The roar of the crowd used to be all I needed to be alive. The adrenaline, the thrill of winning—it all belonged to me. In everyone's eyes, I was THE guy at Casper High. I mean, star quarterback? Mr. Invincible? Treated like royalty by everyone? That was my reality at one point, but as I stand alone in this locker room… I don't feel that anymore. I don't feel any of the things I used to. I just feel… drained.
The silence was louder than anything I've ever heard in my life.
I used to love getting all the attention, being in the spotlight—that's just how powerful I once felt. I was every girl's dream and every nerd's worst nightmare. What no one knew, though, is that behind the rough exterior, there is a side of me no one has ever seen. A side of me that has been buried so deep in my mind, I almost didn't think was still there. Almost. Interestingly enough, it started to rear its head after the whole Disasteroid incident, when the world was almost destroyed. And the one person to save the world was the one person I had tortured for years. That's when things started changing. I began to look at him differently, and then look at myself. And then, the question hit me like a brick wall.
Why?
Why did I terrorize him for years? Why was I so obsessed with making him feel insignificant at all times? The question constantly hung over me like a dark cloud. It felt like it was a shadow that would follow me wherever I went and would never let me go. Growing up, I always had three main issues—fights between myself and my dad, feeling like I had to be the best, and probably the most toxic issue of all, never showing any weakness because I would be considered "less of a man" for doing so. Even as a little kid, I was told that I had to be tough in order to survive, to showcase dominance at every turn. All it did was just show me that I was doing nothing but suppressing how I actually felt—broken. Then… then there's him. One sweet, innocent, and shy kid that single–handedly saved the world. An amazing and honest kid that should be protected at all times. A loyal and courageous kid who endured all the hell I put him through.
The one and only, Daniel Isaiah Fenton.
Daniel's different now. He's more secure in who he is, more confident of himself. He has more self–love. I always admired the subtle change, secretly. It wasn't until I saw one of his anxiety attacks during an exam where I realized something about him. He's dealing with his past as well. Ever since that moment, all of those feelings from the past resurfaced. Feelings that I never even remembered I had. Emotions that I tried to erase. It all traced back to the fact that everything I was doing… every ounce of fear I invoked upon those who I once viewed as beneath me… and every second of trauma I inflicted upon Daniel… was just a mask. Seeking validation was just a cover. My anger? Just a way for me to hide how hurt I really was. As I now stand here and look closely at myself, I'm unsure of who I am. The bully? The star athlete that loves all the attention? That scared little boy who wanted to be understood and loved, but was only met with toxicity and thus, had to form a rough exterior and bury my emotions? My mask had cracked, fully cracked, and was beyond repair. Or maybe, I was becoming someone different. Someone better than who I was. Right now, I have to face my past. And this time…
This time, there's no running away from it. No running at all.
