Picking up where Ghosts left off for Elizabeth as I continue to examine her thoughts during this pivotal stretch. This fic centers around the back half of Episode 10.9 and is shorter than usual but needs to be, I think. Be sure to read the author's note at the end.

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The surprise of the governor's impending visit had Elizabeth in a state. She'd tried her best to rally Rosemary and get things moving in the right direction, but the stress of the day was certainly getting to her - especially when coupled with the wedding that once again wasn't getting planned and the confusion of the last few days about how best to open up more with Lucas. She stood in the mercantile, looking for a last minute item for the governor's arrival when she overheard Florence and Molly talking about a standoff in Rock Creek involving a Mountie who had been taken hostage.

Elizabeth felt her heart skip a beat. She immediately remembered the telegram Nathan had received that morning, and she was already making up her mind to go to the jail when Florence asked her if she'd seen him. The bustle of the town completely disappeared as she made her way as fast as she could to the RNWMP office, only to find the abandoned telegram which confirmed her worst fear. Nathan had gone there. She tried to squelch the panic as she went to the livery. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe he was back. Maybe it was someone else. But no. Newton was gone too. Her chest felt like it was collapsing in on her. She was going to lose him. Just like Jack. She tried to steady herself on the stall, but couldn't find the air. Then Henry was there, looking concerned and trying to calm her, but nothing could. She couldn't break again - and she told Henry that she couldn't. Suddenly her frantic thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a voice saying Nathan's name, and she ran to the street. The relief that flooded her senses when she saw Nathan dismounting Newton and hugging Allie was all-consuming, and when he glanced her way, she forced herself to hold her reaction to a small smile - because running to him and throwing her arms around him was out of the question.

The crisis over, Elizabeth felt the tears threatening and escaped to the library, where she worked to find her breath again. It was like a massive old wound had been ripped open. Her grief. Her confusion over her feelings for Nathan. Her fear of losing someone who means so much to her. The tears she had been holding back for the last two days finally broke through. She felt the moisture rolling down her face and fought the urge to fold herself up into a ball. What was happening to her?

The sound of shouting in the street announcing the governor's arrival pierced her thoughts and emotions. She had to get herself together. Rosemary was counting on her. So with a deep breath and a swipe of her eyes, she went to face her friends and neighbors.

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Elizabeth left the meeting in Lee's office with polite goodbyes to everyone, though she avoided making eye contact with Nathan. Lucas offered to accompany her home, but she made an excuse about being exhausted from the stress of the day. It wasn't untrue - she was exhausted - but it wasn't lost on her that spending an evening with her husband-to-be should calm her nerves rather than add to them. But truth be told, she had a lot of thinking to do and she knew Lucas would press her for answers about her mood if he was around her too long. She wouldn't be able to put on a mask that everything was okay tonight, but she didn't want to lie to him either. Yes. Better to just avoid him.

But home didn't provide an opportunity to clear her head. Jack was particularly clingy after being away from her all day, and he didn't leave her side. He told her all about playing at the playground with Allie and Mountie Nathan, going to see the tadpoles with Robert, and listening to the choir sing outside. Before they knew it, bedtime was upon them, and she allowed him to stay in her room for the evening.

It wasn't something she did often, but she wondered, as she snuggled under the blanket with Jack and his eyes grew heavy, what Lucas would think about this. She realized yet another thing they hadn't discussed - what the day to day would look like after the wedding. It's not that she doubted his love for Jack - but Lucas did have a tendency to want everything just so. She wondered if the way Jack could upend plans at a moment's notice would eventually become frustrating for Lucas. She wondered if Lucas's penchant for perfection would become frustrating for her.

Her mind was spinning. The town. Nathan. Lucas. Jack. She held tightly to the one anchor in her life that made sense and closed her eyes, willing away the thoughts for the evening. For the second time that day, she felt the tears escape and roll down her cheeks. It was still true. Crying didn't change anything, but what else was there to do?

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Elizabeth had risen early and opted to take Sergeant for a ride. Rosemary had given her a look of concern when she'd asked her to watch Jack until after breakfast, but Elizabeth had assured her that all was well - she just needed to take advantage of the opportunity to ensure the horse got some exercise. She had planned to think more on the ride but ended up focusing instead on the feel of the horse beneath her and the raindrops on her skin. It wasn't until she was back in the livery offering her horse a post-ride snack that she was forced to face reality again. And reality came in the form of Henry Gowen and some unsolicited advice.

"Are you certain?" he asked her, those piercing eyes that had brought grown men to their knees in a past life searing into her soul.

"I'm fine Henry. You're mistaken."

Elizabeth said it with a confidence that took even her by surprise given the emotional turmoil of the past 24 hours. She kept her arms crossed tightly against her chest as she walked away from Henry and right out of the livery.

She may have cried last night, but a different emotion welled up in her now. She was furious. How dare he? She knew what he was insinuating - that she felt more for Nathan than she should if she was about to marry someone else. But he was wrong. He had to be wrong. She was just so focused on Jack lately. That's all. It couldn't be that she loved Nathan - that she had somehow in spite of every effort to keep her heart safe, fallen for him anyway.

No. She had chosen Lucas. He was the one who couldn't do anything to hurt her.

Elizabeth set her jaw as she approached her row house. She could fix this. She was just unsettled because she had talked with Nathan and visited Jack's grave. It had gotten her all mixed up and thinking she couldn't keep things separate anymore. But separate was good. Separate was safe. Especially now that the town was in jeopardy. She could work on things with Lucas after the wedding. They'd have a whole future together to figure things out - one where she wouldn't be constantly in danger of being left alone.

She just needed to put a bandage on the reopened hole in her heart. And she would be fine.

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Our girl is struggling y'all. Let me know where you think she was at this point at the end of 10.9. The defensive and reactionary anger makes sense to me - but what do you think?

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