Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 10

EPISODE 2

Air Date: September 29, 2024

"Met Her Last Night"

#TYH1004

SCENE 1

Frederick Douglass Academy VIII

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

One morning, Kenny is talking to a friend when Wade walks up to him.

KENNY: But she eats too much, that's not good. Hey Wade, what's up?

Wade and Kenny bump fists. Wade then puts his arm around Kenny.

WADE: Kenneth, my man, I'm doing A-OK. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the gods are singing. You know why they're singing?

KENNY: Because you feel comfortable enough to call me by my government?

WADE: You're a child.

KENNY: I am, so are you, and what's with the singing?

WADE: I'm #1 on the honor roll this semester. For the first time since I've been here, I'm at the top of the heap. The head of the table. Everybody in the sixth grade has to acknowledge me and be afraid of me.

KENNY: They could acknowledge you. But you'll have to acknowledge someone else.

WADE: What? Who?

Kenny points to the bulletin board. Wade runs over and sees that he is actually ranked #2 on the sixth grade honor roll behind Kaitlyn Sanchez.

WADE (CONT.): Kaitlyn Sanchez? Who the hell is that?

KENNY: She transferred here this year. You've never seen her or heard of her?

WADE: Kenny, I've been in the trenches. I've been trying to get that top spot, I don't know this Kaitlyn.

KENNY: Well, she's basically another version of you. Except she's a girl, she's Latina, and she looks way better in our uniform than you.

WADE: Hey, I rock this ensemble like I was born in it. And I'm sorry, but I'm not accepting some Kaitlyn Sanchez taking my spot.

KENNY: I get that, but I'm not the one you should be complaining to. Tell her that.

Kenny points to Kaitlyn, who is busy talking with her friends.

WADE: I will.

Wade walks up to Kaitlyn and her friends.

WADE (CONT.): Excuse me, are you Kaitlyn Sanchez?

KAITLYN: Wow, my full name. Who are you?

WADE: Your worst nightmare. And the guy you stole the top spot from on the honor roll.

KAITLYN: Oh, that. Yeah, you know how it is. Some people are just smarter than others.

Kaitlyn and her friends walk away and start laughing.

KENNY: Damn. She took you out with one shot.

WADE: This isn't over. I'm not going to accept being number two, I put a lot of effort into turning things around.

KENNY: You only failed one class. You're acting like your report card was full of C's and D's.

WADE: Kenny, you're my friend, but what did I just say?

KENNY: You're not going to accept being number two, and you put a lot of effort into turning things around.

WADE: Exactly. Thank you for making sure we're simpatico.

SCENE 2

Bang Bang Chicken

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

("Espresso" by Sabrina Carpenter plays over the restaurant's loudspeakers)

Sparky and Halley are talking when Buster walks up to them.

BUSTER: Hey guys. What's going on?

SPARKY: Oh, Halley was telling me how she almost broke her finger today.

HALLEY: Yeah, it hurts, but Sparky kissed it so it could be slightly better.

BUSTER: Aw, you got an owie? Sparky kissed your widdle boo boo to make you feel better.

HALLEY: Are you being sarcastic or that's just you talking? I can never figure it out.

SPARKY: He does it in a way where's he not even aware.

BUSTER: Aware of what? You guys hungry? Kids eat free after 4:00.

HALLEY: Sometimes, I wish we still went to the same school.

SPARKY: You know what? You guys order for the table, I'm going to the bathroom.

Sparky leaves the booth and heads for the bathroom.

BUSTER: You know, you and Sparky are the best. I'm happy you're still boyfriend and girlfriend.

HALLEY: Thank you. It really hasn't been that hard dating in junior high.

BUSTER: Some guys tried to get your number?

HALLEY: Hell no. I'm like a ghost in that school. And I like it that way, I never wanted the attention.

BUSTER: You and me both, sister. That's why I'm always with the guys. They're like this shield that protects me from the world of...everyone else.

HALLEY: I need that. A posse. But I haven't had one since Jaylynn's little group.

BUSTER: You guys could get back together.

HALLEY: We could. But does anybody really want that? Do you want that?

BUSTER: Oh yeah, Jaylynn and Gilcania hate each other. Forget it, horrible idea.

Sparky comes back to the group.

SPARKY: Alright, I'm back. What are we having?

BUSTER: We haven't ordered anything. We were waiting for you.

SPARKY: That wasn't the agreement. I said you guys order for the table.

BUSTER: That was a trick and you know it.

SPARKY: What trick?

HALLEY: Hey, guys, why don't we calm down and get this food?

SPARKY: Alright. But I don't know about you, Buster. First, you fall for Halley and now this? I don't know.

Beat.

BUSTER: What did you just say?

SPARKY: No, the other day, Halley told me that you used to have a crush on her. You didn't think I would find out, but the jig is up.

Sparky shakes his fist and makes a weird groaning noise simultaneously, then chuckles.

BUSTER: How could you tell him that? That was supposed to be a secret!

HALLEY: It was? I didn't know, I was just telling a story.

BUSTER: Oh yeah, what stories? That we kissed on the couch? The movies, the trips to get pizza? None of that happened, by the way, Sparky, I'm just pointing out any lies your girlfriend might have told.

HALLEY: What lies? I didn't tell him anything!

SPARKY: Buster, it's okay, it's just a joke.

BUSTER: No, it's not a joke! I betrayed you and I've been living with the shame for years. I'm sorry, Sparky, but I lost my appetite.

Buster shakes his head and leaves the booth.

SPARKY: What did you say to him when I was in the bathroom?

HALLEY: Nothing, we were just talking about bullshit.

SPARKY: This is crazy. I know you and Buster didn't do anything, why would he think he betrayed me?

HALLEY: Maybe you know that, but he doesn't know that you know that. Just talk to him later and straighten it out.

SPARKY: You're right. It's all just a big misunderstanding. It'll be okay.

Buster returns to the booth.

SPARKY (CONT.): Hey, you're back. Listen, Buster-

BUSTER: I just forgot my keys, bye.

Buster runs out of the restaurant with his keys.

SPARKY: Did he leave tracks?

SCENE 3

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Wade has several papers lined out in front of him and his eyes dart back and forth as he looks at all of them.

WADE: Okay, history, science, math, English. All the basic school groups.

Wade cackles and slaps his knee.

WADE (CONT.): Damn, that was a knee slapper and nobody was around to hear it.

RK walks in.

WADE (CONT.): Hey RK. You're just in time. You want to hear a knee slapper?

RK: Trust me, I've heard enough of your famous knee slappers to feed a small country. I just wanted to know if you had time to hang out tonight.

WADE: No, sorry, buddy. I really have to stay in and work on some stuff.

RK: Wow. You top the honor roll and you're still pushing your limits. That's the Mamba Mentality.

WADE: I actually didn't top the honor roll. I fell short.

RK: Really? But you've been working hard for months to get that spot. Who beat you?

WADE: Some girl named Kaitlyn Sanchez. Her average is two points higher than mine.

RK: I never thought I'd see the day. Maybe you're getting old and crinky.

WADE: I'm two years younger than you guys!

RK: Relax, man, just some good-natured teasing. So, what are you going to do about this Kaitlyn prick?

WADE: Well, I'm going to beat her this time around and get that spot. I just have to work harder this semester. More extra credit assignments, more face time with teachers, tutoring. Anything I can do to give myself an edge.

RK: Okay. And then what happens when she does all that stuff, and more? You're going to run yourself into the ground.

WADE: So, what do you suggest?

RK: In order to beat Kaitlyn, you have to know Kaitlyn. You're competing against her, so you have to find out her weaknesses and exploit them.

WADE: Hmmm, an interesting idea. Do some reconnaissance, scout Kaitlyn, and then I'll have the upper hand.

RK: Exactly. Don't let her out of your sight while you're chasing her. But don't...don't stalk her, 'cause, you know you have a girlfriend and-

WADE: Yeah.

RK: They could throw you in jail for that shit. And they would throw you in jail for that shit.

WADE: I know.

RK: Yeah, we all need to protect ourselves these days.

SCENE 4

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Buster is watching TV that night when he gets a call. He checks his phone and sees it's Sparky.

BUSTER: Son of a bitch, it's Sparky.

LPC meows inquisitively.

BUSTER (CONT.): It's not him, it's Halley. She spilled the beans about that crush I had on her, and now, Sparky's devastated. But it's okay. I just won't answer texts or calls, and chill here for a while.

BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): And you don't expect him to come here? To the condo you live in every single day?

BUSTER: I thought we agreed you would be nicer to me.

BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): That was temporary. And Sparky's your best friend, he'll never stop hunting you. He's probably on his way here right now, he could hear the TV through the door.

BUSTER: Shit, you're right! I gotta hide!

SCENE 5

The Newman Condominium

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Sparky walks up to Buster's door.

SPARKY: Buster, you in there? We need to talk.

Sparky tries to open the door, but it's locked.

SCENE 6

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Establishing shot of the living room with the lights off.

SCENE 7

The Newman Condominium

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

The lights are also off in the bedroom. Cut to Buster in the closet with LPC, looking around for Sparky.

BUSTER: I sure hope he didn't try breaking in.

LPC meows.

BUSTER (CONT.): Are you crazy?! He could be anywhere right now!

SCENE 8

The Newman Condominium

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Sparky sighs and ends up leaving.

SCENE 9

The Newman Condominium

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

Cut back to Buster and LPC in the closet.

BUSTER: Alright, give it 22 minutes, and I'll check to see if we're safe.

SCENE 10

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The next day, Buster is dressed like a 1970s detective, with a black wig, sunglasses, and a mustache. He constantly clutches his pants and nods at unsuspecting students. Jaylynn walks up to him.

JAYLYNN: Hey Buster, what's up?

BUSTER: Excuse me? Ma'am, I don't know who this Buster is, but I'm gonna need to see some I.D.

JAYLYNN: Why the hell are you playing dress-up? It's not Halloween yet.

BUSTER: Ma'am, your hat and weird-looking hair make you a suspicious character. I'm going to need to tase you in the next five seconds.

JAYLYNN: You're the worst cop ever. How are you going to tell me what you're about to do instead of just doing it?

Buster pulls down his sunglasses.

BUSTER: Jaylynn, it's me. I'm not really going to tase you. Do I sound convincing?

JAYLYNN: Not at all. What's with the disguise?

BUSTER: I'm hiding from Sparky. If he can't recognize me, he won't talk to me about Halley.

JAYLYNN: Halley? What's going on with her?

BUSTER: What's not going on with her? She told lies is what she did.

JAYLYNN: On you? I'll beat her ass, what did she lie about?

BUSTER: She told Sparky that I was in love with her and wanted to do nasty things to her that should never be repeated in front of strangers.

JAYLYNN: Honey, you're dreaming. Take five seconds to breathe and choose your words carefully.

BUSTER: Jaylynn, this is serious. Sparky knows I used to have a crush on Halley. Who knows what she told him? What he's thinking about, how he's plotting against me? Every night he goes to sleep, he has to have nightmares about me being with his girlfriend.

JAYLYNN: Come on, you know Sparky's not like that. He would never think you and Halley messed around.

BUSTER: Of course, he would, he's always had a little jealousy inside him. Remember how he acted at prom? He's going to be on a rampage if he finds me.

JAYLYNN: I really don't think you have-

BUSTER: Shhh, he's coming. Pretend you have no idea who I am.

Sparky walks up to Buster and Jaylynn as Buster readjusts his sunglasses and goes back to gripping his pants.

SPARKY: Hey Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: Good morning.

SPARKY: Buster, if you're going to wear a costume to avoid me, make sure the glue on your mustache holds.

BUSTER: Damn. RK better honor that money back guarantee.

SPARKY: Look, man, I'm not mad about you and Halley. That was a long time ago, nobody cares.

JAYLYNN: It's true. I don't even remember what I was doing that week.

SPARKY: I think you were helping RK and Wade learn how to share or something.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah. Those were some wild times.

SPARKY: Anyway, there's nothing to worry about. It was just a crush.

BUSTER: You really think that me and Halley did nothing?

SPARKY: Yes. Because you're my best friend and you would never hurt me like that.

Beat.

BUSTER: You're a bald-faced liar.

JAYLYNN: Here we go.

SPARKY: What?

BUSTER: I see what's going on here. You're trying to make me put my guard down so I'll think everything's cool. Then when I least expect it, you'll pounce.

SPARKY: I'll pounce?

BUSTER: Indeed. Who knows what you have planned, even you? Well, you better get ready, jack, because it's going to take a miracle to put me in the ground.

Buster storms off.

SPARKY: I'm confused. Do I say things and they just sound like other things to people?

JAYLYNN: Don't mind him, he's just paranoid. What did Halley tell you anyway?

SPARKY: She said years ago, when I was busy with school and she started hanging out with Buster more, he started having feelings for her. But he didn't want them and it was killing him inside because he didn't want me to find out.

JAYLYNN: Is Halley the town crier now? First, she says I had a crush on you, then she says Buster had a crush on her. What's next, she's going to tell you RK had a crush on Anja?

SPARKY: RK had a crush on Anja?!

JAYLYNN: Yeah, it was really obvious, but I never called him on it. I knew, though.

SPARKY: You know what? Maybe Buster just needs some time to cool off. Eventually, he'll realize he's not in trouble and things will go back to normal.

JAYLYNN: Or he'll spend the next couple weeks planning to take you out before you can take him out.

Beat.

SPARKY: You're going to talk to Halley, aren't you?

JAYLYNN: I feel like I have to.

SCENE 11

Frederick Douglass Academy VIII

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

At lunch, Wade goes over to Kaitlyn's table and sits down.

WADE: Kaitlyn Sanchez, we meet again.

KAITLYN: You love saying my whole name, why? Are you with the FBI or something?

WADE: Yeah, I work undercover with them on the weekends.

MARIA: If you work undercover with them, then-

WADE: I see the failed attempt at a joke, I'll do better next time.

MARIA: Cool. So, why are you bothering Kaitlyn so much? You have a crush on her?

WADE: Absolutely not, I have a girlfriend. I just wanted to know if Kaitlyn was free so we could study together.

ANGEL: So, a study date?

WADE: Guys, what did I just say eight seconds ago?

KAITLYN: You want to study with me?

WADE: Yes. See, Kaitlyn, you're an intellectual just like me. And that work you did on the honor roll was impressive. I just want to get to know you a little bit more.

KAITLYN: What's your girlfriend's name?

WADE: Adriana, and I have more than enough pictures to prove it. So, are you in or out?

KAITLYN: I guess. How about tonight at eight?

WADE: That would be great. I'll see you at my place.

KAITLYN: Why can't we study at the library?

WADE: Why would we study at the library?

KAITLYN: Because I don't know where you live, and even if I did, I'm not going over to the house of some boy I barely know?

WADE: Wow. You really are a high-level thinker. Library, it is, 8:00 sharp. Bring your textbooks and rulers, I'm very thorough.

Wade leaves the table.

ANGEL: What the f*** is wrong with him?

MARIA: I know. "I'm very thorough." We can come with you if you want.

KAITLYN: No, that's okay. I think he's still upset because my average is higher than his.

ANGEL: Well, if he worked harder last semester, he wouldn't have this problem.

MARIA: I know, right?

Cut to Wade and Kenny at the table.

KENNY: Wade, if you're a genius, how can you be this stupid?

WADE: I'm not following, Ken.

KENNY: Really? And this whole thing with Kaitlyn, you're sure it's a good idea? She probably thinks you're trying to get with her.

WADE: That's preposterous, I already told her about Adriana. She has no reason to question my motives. I just need to get close enough to her, learn what her shortcomings are, and utilize them to my advantage.

Beat.

WADE (CONT.): I know where the line is, RK warned me already!

SCENE 12

Seattle Public Library - Bottrell

Interior Reading Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, Wade and Kaitlyn are working on an assignment. Kaitlyn looks over at Wade as he writes.

KAITLYN: Why do you hold the pen like that?

WADE: Like what?

KAITLYN: Like that. Doesn't that hurt?

WADE: Look, I've already been made fun of for my crooked grip, so I don't need to hear it from you.

KAITLYN: No, I'm not trying to shit on you. I think it looks cool. I wish I could do that.

WADE: I highly doubt there's anything you can't do. You're Kaitlyn Sanchez.

KAITLYN: Seriously, do you know me from somewhere? It's weird you keep saying my name like that.

WADE: No, but it's like this. Iron sharpens iron. If I want to be the best, I need to fight the best. And you're the best.

KAITLYN: Because my grades are better than yours? Seems kinda dumb.

WADE: How is that dumb? Academic achievement is one of the greatest things in the world.

KAITLYN: Maybe to you, but it doesn't matter if I'm the smartest kid in school. What about when I'm depressed, or I'm lonely because my sister lives in Boston? My grades aren't going to help me then.

WADE: Well...you're laying it on pretty thick.

KAITLYN: Good. Because you're smart enough without the honor roll. All of us are.

WADE: Really?

KAITLYN: Of course. I grew up with this one boy who was terrible at school. Every time he took a test, his face changed colors and he started sweating like he was in Vegas.

WADE: I know a friend who has that same problem. So, what about this boy?

KAITLYN: His grades sucked, but he was great when it came to planning things. He knew all the details, he could memorize schedules, he had a hundred more ideas for every one that didn't work out. He just couldn't do that in school.

WADE: So, his intelligence was tailored to something besides education.

KAITLYN: Exactly. I get straight A's, but I'm still going to be me if I didn't.

WADE: I'm sorry, Kaitlyn, but you have the one thing that a lot of smart kids don't have.

KAITLYN: What?

WADE: Humility.

KAITLYN: Oh, so that's another way I'm better than you.

Beat.

KAITLYN (CONT.): Ha, look at your face! I like you, Wade, you're a funny guy.

WADE: Thanks. You're, um...pretty decent, too.

KAITLYN: That's terrible. Next time we study, you're giving me a better compliment or we're fighting.

WADE: Next time?

KAITLYN: Yeah. This is way more fun than studying on my own.

WADE: Okay. Next time then.

Wade and Kaitlyn shake hands.

KAITLYN: What kind of lotion do you use?

WADE: Nivea.

KAITLYN: I need that.

WADE: You can have it, Walgreens is everywhere.

SCENE 13

The Vidal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Halley is typing on her laptop when Jaylynn comes in.

HALLEY: Shit, you almost gave me a heart attack. You don't knock or ring the bell?

JAYLYNN: No. You know me, I can't just walk in?

HALLEY: No, I'm not one of the guys. You could be a serial killer, it's getting crazy out there.

JAYLYNN: Hmmm. Well, maybe lock the door next time and I'll get the hint.

HALLEY: Don't tell me what to do. So, what do you need?

JAYLYNN: It's not about what I need. It's about what you need...to do.

HALLEY: Jaylynn, I don't have time for this shit. Stop speaking in riddles and just get to it.

JAYLYNN: Why did you tell Sparky that Buster had a crush on you?

HALLEY: Because I'm insecure and I'm always looking to make people interested in me, so I tell stories.

JAYLYNN: Really?

HALLEY: No. I mean, I have insecurities, but I know how to keep things a secret. I just didn't think this was a secret.

JAYLYNN: Well, apparently, it was, because Buster's freaking out. He's worried Sparky's gonna kill him.

HALLEY: Because he had a crush on me for two weeks. That's why.

JAYLYNN: Look, Buster's hard to explain sometimes. Maybe not RK-level, but he's not always right.

HALLEY: Wow. I didn't want Sparky and Buster to stop being friends.

JAYLYNN: It's okay, it's not your fault. You just have to let Buster know that nothing's going to happen to him. Then everything will go back to normal, and I won't have to come to this place at night.

HALLEY: Yeah, 'cause I don't like...this, it's not my style.

JAYLYNN: I get it. But seriously, talk to Buster and calm him down. If Sparky can't do it, maybe you can.

HALLEY: I hear you. I'll talk to him tomorrow.

JAYLYNN: Good.

Jaylynn proceeds to sit down on the couch, which confuses Halley.

JAYLYNN (CONT.): So, while I'm here, you want to treat me to some Uber Eats?

HALLEY: Get out.

JAYLYNN: Damn, not even Anja's this cranky.

SCENE 14

The Saltalamacchia Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Wade closes his door and heads towards his car.

WADE: Getting to school early. Makes me feel like I have powers or something, I can't explain it.

SCENE 15

("I Like It" by DeBarge plays in the background)

Wade drives around in Seattle on his way to school while wearing sunglasses. The scene takes on a monochromatic tone as Wade lip-syncs the lyrics to "I Like It." At one point, the Seattle streets transform into a rainbow that Wade is driving on and the Sun becomes bigger, with a goofy smile on its face. Wade is unfazed by his background changing, and as he stops the car, an unknown girl gets inside. Wade puts his arm around her, but her face still isn't visible. The song continues as they make it to school, and the scene regains its color.

WADE: Well, here we are, baby.

KAITLYN: Thanks for taking me to school with you.

WADE: Of course, I...wait, Kaitlyn?!

KAITLYN: Yeah. What's the matter, sweetie?

Wade looks at the camera and starts screaming.

SCENE 16

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

Wade wakes up instantly and starts flopping around the bed like a fish. He then falls off the bed, looks around, and sighs.

WADE: Okay. It was a dream. It was all just a dream.

KAITLYN (O.S.): I hope you were dreaming about me.

Wade looks up and sees Kaitlyn dressed like Adriana.

WADE: Why are you wearing my girlfriend's clothes?!

KAITLYN: I'm your girlfriend, dummy. You want a kiss goodnight?

Kaitlyn leans in to kiss Wade.

SCENE 17

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

Wade wakes up screaming as the instrumental to "Let It Roll" plays in the background.

SCENE 18

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Wade walks into RK's house the next morning.

WADE: RK, are you around?

KG walks out of the kitchen.

KG: He's upstairs, he'll be down soon. Hey, look at you rocking the burgundy.

WADE: It's more of a maroon, I'd say.

KG: Eh, nobody cares. So, how is it at that brainiac school? You guys learning about criminology and how to do taxes?

WADE: What in God's name has RK told you?

KG: That you guys are being bred to take over this country one day.

WADE: Of course. KG, I have something I'm dealing with.

KG: Everybody's body changes, puberty is natural, get over it and put on some deodorant already.

WADE: I'm too young for that!

KG: Oh yeah. I'm saving it for RK when he starts to go through it. He might leave you behind when he does.

WADE: Thank you so much. Now, about my problem-

KG's phone rings.

KG: Hey, it's Denise. Text me your problem later, I might have a story about that.

KG picks up the phone.

KG (CONT.): Your boy is here. Of course, I was thinking about you when I picked up those donuts, you know I was.

KG goes upstairs as RK goes downstairs.

RK: Why are they always talking about donuts? Wade, what are you doing here?

WADE: I had some time before school. I wanted to talk to you about Kaitlyn.

RK: Yes, leave no stone unturned. What did you find out? Are you going to take her down now that you know her weak spots?

WADE: Honestly...I'm kinda not in the business of taking her down anymore.

RK: What? I was all excited for this amazing plan and you just punch me right in the family jewels. I never thought you would be a tease.

WADE: Look, as much as I would love to crush Kaitlyn academically, it wouldn't be satisfying. It would be like giving binoculars to a blind man. Kaitlyn doesn't care about being the best. She just wants to chill, and by extension, I'm going to follow her lead and chill as well.

Beat.

RK: You're crushing on her, aren't you?

WADE: What? No!

RK: Of course, I see that twinkle in your eyes. You realized Kaitlyn isn't you in a bad wig, but she has this interesting stuff to offer and she's fun to talk to, so you're thinking about her every minute now.

WADE: That's preposterous and asinine, you're out of your gourd.

RK: Think fast, what's a great name for a baby girl?

WADE: Kaitlyn.

Wade covers his mouth.

WADE (CONT.): I never said that.

RK: Of course, you did. And if I didn't know any better, you probably started scouting Kaitlyn so you could get closer to her.

WADE: It was never about that!

RK: Wade, trust me. Guys don't pay that much attention to girls unless they're into them. Why do you think I used to pick on Ashley?

WADE: That was a very weird time in your life.

RK: It was. But it taught me a valuable lesson about myself. It was very important.

Beat.

WADE: Well?

RK: Well, what?

WADE: You're not going to tell me the valuable lesson? Maybe I could apply it to myself?

RK: No. I learned that lesson for myself and no one else. God, you're such a narcissist.

RK shakes his head and heads towards the kitchen. Wade rolls his eyes and follows him.

SCENE 19

The Jennings Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

RK gets out a box of Cap'n Crunch, some milk, and a bowl as Wade sits at the table.

WADE: Okay. I have feelings for Kaitlyn. But I love Adriana. I don't want to cheat.

RK: Of course, you don't. Because you don't know if Kaitlyn likes you and even if she did, you wouldn't cross that line.

WADE: Exactly. So, I guess we're done here.

RK: Are we?

WADE: I believe so.

RK: Look, Wade, we both know that you would never hurt Adriana. But Kaitlyn's not going anywhere. You have to find a way to get rid of your feelings.

WADE: How? Act like Kaitlyn's a figment of my imagination? Issue a statement where I publicly retract my attraction for her? Or, this is something, maybe I build a machine that removes any and all romantic feelings one has for another?!

RK: I was thinking you just find things about Kaitlyn you hate, but that machine could work. Go for it.

WADE: RK, it was a joke. I'm not going to do that.

RK: Cool. But I want you to remember that when Adriana's crying because she saw sparks between you and Kaitlyn, and you have to admit you have feelings, and you have to reassure Adriana that nothing was going to happen.

WADE: Okay, I'll look into constructing a test model. But that will take days.

RK: Well, if you want to destroy your chemistry with Kaitlyn, you might need to...get scientific.

RK slaps his knee and cackles.

WADE: That's not a knee slapper.

RK: It is.

WADE: It's not. Don't reject my concept and then appropriate it for yourself, you colonizer.

SCENE 20

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Buster walks into school dressed like The Cat in the Hat, which leads to several kids staring at him and laughing.

BUSTER: Yeah, that's right. They don't even know who I am. Idiots.

Buster walks up to RK and Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: I don't have words anymore.

BUSTER: How did you know it was me?!

JAYLYNN: Because I'm not smoking crack. And where the hell did you even get that costume?

BUSTER: At the costume store. If you pay extra, they give you a custom ensemble, and I think it was worth it.

RK: Buster, this has gone too far. It's bad enough you didn't do my outfit justice, but you're avoiding everybody for no reason.

BUSTER: It's not for no reason. Imagine having feelings for someone you can't have, and how sick you would feel if the last person you'd tell found out about it.

RK: You stalking me or something? You were at my house this morning, too?

BUSTER: What?

RK: Exactly, don't think I don't see your subliminals.

Sparky walks up to the guys. He blankly stares at Buster.

SPARKY: Why? Seriously, why?

JAYLYNN: Sparky, I really don't know.

RK: Don't look at me. He didn't want me to get him a costume.

BUSTER: I put a lot of effort into this, guys. Alright, Sparky, you win. You win! I can't spend the rest of my life avoiding you, so...this is it.

Buster gets on his knees.

BUSTER (CONT.): Kick me as hard as you can in the head. Just don't aim for the ears, my annual checkup is tomorrow.

SPARKY: Buster, I don't want to fight you. I don't want to yell at you, I don't want to ignore you, I want to do literally the exact opposite of everything you want me to do.

BUSTER: Go on.

SPARKY: You had a crush on Halley. Why does it matter? Halley's the greatest girl in the world, who wouldn't have feelings for her?

RK: It's true.

JAYLYNN: Halley's like a can of Pringles, you have to eat the whole thing.

SPARKY: You guys had crushes on her, too?

RK: Of course.

JAYLYNN: When I first saw Halley, I was like, "Whoa, mama!"

Buster smiles as he looks back at RK and Jaylynn, who immediately look at him and shake their heads. Sparky stares at them angrily and they switch to goofy smiles.

SPARKY: The point is, if you're worried about how I feel, don't. It's not like you guys dated behind my back or kissed.

BUSTER: It's true. And if we did kiss, we wouldn't even use tongue.

SPARKY: Alright, stay with me now. Fact of the matter is that it's ancient history and you don't have a crush on her anymore, so it's all good.

Beat.

BUSTER: No. It's not.

Sparky, RK, and Jaylynn groan.

RK: Come on, man!

JAYLYNN: He poured his heart out to you, bro!

SPARKY: Buster, after everything I just said, why do you still not believe me?

BUSTER: It's not about you, it's about me. It was a fine speech, like John Cena says. And I believe you. But I don't believe myself.

JAYLYNN: I get why Halley doesn't like it when you speak in circles.

SPARKY: What are you talking about?

BUSTER: I had a crush on your girlfriend, and I kept it from you. My own best friend. I couldn't even deal with the shame, so I hid it from you. And if I couldn't tell you, maybe I liked Halley way more than I thought I did.

Buster takes off his hat and leaves it on the floor, then exits. Sparky, RK, and Jaylynn look on with concern.

JAYLYNN: Sparky, what do we do? Next time, he's probably going to dress like a giant peanut.

SPARKY: I don't know, it's-

Sparky's ringtone goes off and he pulls his phone out of his pocket.

SPARKY (CONT.): Hang on.

Sparky picks up.

SPARKY (CONT.): Yeah?

HALLEY (V.O.): Yeah, Sparky, is Buster okay? He's not answering my calls or texts, and when I went over to his condo this morning, everything was locked.

SPARKY: No, he's not okay. It's really bothering him that he had a crush on you.

HALLEY (V.O.): There has to be some way that we can help him.

SPARKY: There might. Are you free to go to Bang Bang Chicken tonight?

HALLEY (V.O.): Yeah, why?

SPARKY: I think I have a plan. I'll, um...just talk about it without witnesses.

Sparky leaves the area so RK and Jaylynn don't hear his plan.

JAYLYNN: Why did he do that?

RK: Obviously, he doesn't want us knowing things we're not supposed to know. So, on a scale of one to ten, how good do you think I would look with this hat?

Jaylynn gives RK an annoyed look.

SCENE 21

Dunkin Donuts

Seattle, Washington

Wade goes up to the cashier.

WADE: Yeah, could I have a sausage, egg, and cheese on a croissant?

CASHIER: Sure. That will be $6.09.

As Wade goes into his pocket, he notices someone walk up to him. It's Kaitlyn.

KAITLYN: Hey Wade.

WADE: Oh. Hey Katie, what's going on here?

KAITLYN: I'm Katie now? I don't know if that's going to stick.

WADE: Probably not. But you know me, I'm just here at Dunkin Donuts getting a late breakfast.

KAITLYN: It's three in the afternoon.

WADE: A late lunch.

KAITLYN: Didn't you eat lunch already?

WADE: What brings you by, Kaitlyn?

KAITLYN: I just wanted to tell you I'm looking forward to studying with you again.

WADE: Really? Does anybody look forward to studying?

KAITLYN: You do.

WADE: I do. But I'm not constructed like most people. My molecular structure is very complex and enigmatic.

KAITLYN: Okay, you're just putting words together.

WADE: You're just putting words together.

Kaitlyn starts laughing.

KAITLYN: You're a troll, Wade. I'll see you tonight.

Kaitlyn leaves the restaurant.

WADE: Yes, you'll see me tonight, you beautiful...

Wade slaps himself.

WADE (CONT.): No. You won't see me tonight. I'm finishing that anti-romance machine and I'm putting an end to this now.

Kaitlyn walks back in.

KAITLYN: You know why I'm not as smart as you think I am? I forgot that I came in here to order something, isn't that crazy?

WADE: The craziest.

Wade snickers as he moves closer to the exit, and makes eye contact with one of the employees.

WADE (CONT.): Finish the frigging food, she's coming for me!

SCENE 22

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Basement

Seattle, Washington

Wade whistles "You Won't See Me Tonight" by Nas featuring Aaliyah as he puts the finishing touches on his anti-romance project. It ends up being a small container of a bluish-greenish liquid.

WADE: Perfection.

SCENE 23

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Wade walks upstairs as RK sits on the couch.

WADE: Alright, RK, feast your eyes. This is what I like to call Liquid Hypnosis.

RK: Sounds like the name of really expensive water. How does it work?

WADE: This elixir can remove any and all attractions one feels for another. I just drink it and I'll no longer have feelings for Kaitlyn.

RK: Would it be possible to get the feelings back?

WADE: It would, but you have to reverse the effects. By itself, the elixir is potent enough that you won't have to worry about redeveloping any feelings once they're gone.

RK: Wait a minute, what if you drink it and you end up losing your feelings for the wrong person? You'll end up not liking Adriana anymore.

WADE: I already worked that out with the test model. It's designed to remove the attraction of the undesirable person when you say their name. Liquid Hypnosis.

RK: That's amazing. It's too bad you couldn't come up with that when you liked Jaylynn.

WADE: I feel like I had less free time back then.

RK: Me too. I think we all did, why is that?

WADE: I dunno. Now, time to fall out of love with Kaitlyn Sanchez. I repeat, it is time to fall out of love with Kaitlyn Sanchez.

Wade drinks the elixir and burps loudly.

WADE (CONT.): That was refreshing.

RK: So, how do you feel?

WADE: I don't know, the effects are supposed to be immediate. I still feel the same.

RK: Maybe it just needs some time to set in. Give it ten minutes.

SCENE 24

The Saltalamacchia Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

An establishing shot of Wade's house at night with a caption reading "Ten Minutes Later."

SCENE 25

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Wade walks downstairs as RK continues to watch TV.

WADE: Yeah, I just wasted a whole f***ing week. I'm still thinking about Kaitlyn.

RK: It's still not too late to find things you hate about her. Maybe she's really gross on the side, like, she eats her own blood when she gets nosebleeds or she talks way too much about rashes.

WADE: No. I can't think of anything I hate. She's great. Maybe that's what I hate, that I can't hate her.

RK: I guess it's time for you to break up with Adriana and start dating Kaitlyn.

WADE: What?! No!

RK: Oh. I kinda thought you were contemplating it. Might be awkward for a while, but if married couples can do it, why can't you?

WADE: RK, I can't like another girl. I just can't.

RK: But you do. And that's okay, it makes you human.

WADE: Yeah. Human excrement.

RK: You know I've had crushes on other girls, right?

WADE: No. You never told me. Although, I had a feeling you were into Anja-

RK: I never had a crush on her and I'm tired of everyone saying that! The point is, I've seen all types of girls I like. Pretty girls, smart girls, classy girls, girls with accents. I have classes with girls that would make your heart pop out of your chest. But none of them are for me. Only Anna.

WADE: So, how do you handle it?

RK: I just know that even if I like other girls, it doesn't mean I want to be with them. They'll never understand me like Anna does and we have a great thing going, so why wreck it?

WADE: I have to see her every day. And to tell you the truth, I think she might like me, too.

RK: Then you know what to do. Shut it down before you get in too deep. Eventually, Kaitlyn will just be another girl you go to school with.

WADE: You're right. It's time to own my feelings and not let them destroy me. RK, you just did for me what a whole week of science couldn't.

RK: So, does that...does that mean I beat science? I'm better than science?

WADE: No, that doesn't mean-

RK: That's what it means, exactly what it means. I'm better than science! I'm getting that made at the T-shirt shop. I can get you one, too. You're a small, right?

Beat.

RK (CONT.): Ah, we can work that out later.

SCENE 26

Bang Bang Chicken

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

("Fast Car" by Luke Combs plays over the restaurant's loudspeakers)

Buster sits down at Bang Bang Chicken that night and looks at the menu.

BUSTER: Okay, Bottomless Boneless Special. Do your worst to me.

Sparky and Halley walk up to Buster.

SPARKY: You did this.

BUSTER: I did what?

SPARKY: Buster, Halley's breaking up with me. Because of what you did all those years ago.

BUSTER: Are you crazy, Halley? You can't break up over that!

HALLEY: Yes, I can. Maybe there's a reason I told Sparky after all this time. Maybe I wanted him to get so mad, he would give me an out so I could finally be free. But he's too damn cool about everything, so I had to do it myself.

BUSTER: Guys, I came here for dinner. I don't wanna hear this.

SPARKY: You will hear it. I acted like everything was okay, but in reality, I'm pissed. I know the way you two feel about each other. I've been seeing it for years. I just didn't want to admit it.

BUSTER: Is this...are you guys doing a magic trick?

HALLEY: Buster, you can have me whenever you want me. Sparky's out of the picture, we can get married, buy a nice house on the cheap, and have five kids! Of course, I want the oldest one to be a girl, but we can work out the rest together.

BUSTER: Halley, I don't want you! And you guys are on crystal meth for breaking up! It was just some stupid crush that nobody remembered until now!

SPARKY: So, it was just a stupid crush, huh? Didn't mean anything?

BUSTER: No, it didn't. Guys like girls all the time, I heard it's a chemical imbalance!

SPARKY: So, it wouldn't matter if I knew, because why would I care about some old, stupid, meaningless crush, right?

BUSTER: Exactly! Wait a minute.

Beat.

BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): They played you, dumbass.

BUSTER: I know they did!

HALLEY: Who is he talking to?

SPARKY: Don't worry about it.

BUSTER: Alright, I get it now. I shouldn't feel bad for liking Halley and I shouldn't feel bad for not telling you.

SPARKY: Now, you got it.

HALLEY: Buster, are you sure that you're okay?

BUSTER: Yeah. I guess I was just embarrassed that I couldn't tell Sparky about it. I tell him everything.

SPARKY: I mean, we don't have to tell each other everything. 85% is fine.

BUSTER: I can live with that.

HALLEY: So, can we eat now like we were supposed to weeks ago?

BUSTER: I don't see why not.

Sparky and Halley sit down.

HALLEY: So, you really dressed like The Cat in the Hat?

BUSTER: No. I dressed like Dr. Seuss. That was his costume.

SPARKY: Buster, Dr. Seuss wrote The Cat in the Hat. He never dressed like that.

BUSTER: Stop playing around, he did.

SPARKY: But why would he-

HALLEY: Don't play a game that you can't win, babe.

SPARKY: Okay.

SCENE 27

Frederick Douglass Academy VIII

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Wade and Kenny stand by their lockers.

WADE: I'm not ready for this.

KENNY: You better be. We rehearsed this five times, I'm not looking like an idiot today.

WADE: Kenny, no offense, but I don't think telling Kaitlyn that the FBI hired me to snitch on her is going to make her less mad.

KENNY: Well, just don't say anything stupid. Remember the tone if you can't remember the words.

WADE: Sure.

Wade goes over to Kaitlyn as she puts away her books.

WADE (CONT.): Hey Kaitlyn. You look tan today.

KAITLYN: I'm Cuban.

WADE: Yeah, this is going to be worse than I thought.

KAITLYN: I guess you finally had the guts to talk to me after ghosting me. What was that about?

WADE: I think you can guess.

KAITLYN: No, I really can't. That's why I'm asking you.

WADE: I have a big crush on you, Kaitlyn!

Beat. Multiple kids look at Wade with confusion.

WADE (CONT.): My acting class. We're doing monologues after school.

KAITLYN: You have a crush on me?

WADE: Yes. You never picked up on that?

KAITLYN: No. I don't think any boy has ever said they liked me.

WADE: Well, I do. But I love my girlfriend and if I ever acted on how I felt, it would break my heart.

KAITLYN: You mean, hers?

WADE: Yes, I meant hers! Alright, my motor skills are disintegrating.

KAITLYN: Wade, calm down, take a breath. I'm glad you told me.

WADE: Why?

KAITLYN: Because you were honest. You didn't want to do anything to hurt your girlfriend, and you didn't want to make things awkward with me. So, there it is.

WADE: Yeah. There it is.

Beat.

KAITLYN: So, I'll see you later then.

WADE: Probably, yeah?

KAITLYN: Okay. Later.

Kaitlyn smiles as she goes back to what she was doing earlier. Wade scratches his head as he walks away.

KENNY: Looks like it went well.

WADE: I don't know. I was expecting more.

KENNY: Like what?

WADE: I don't know, something more than that. She acted like she dropped her pencil and I gave it back to her.

KENNY: What do you expect? You like her, but she's not Adriana and she never will be. She doesn't like you and she didn't even know you liked her until now. You guys have nothing else to talk about.

Beat.

WADE: Yeah. There is nothing else. Sometimes, things just happen and that's it.

KENNY: Exactly.

Beat. Wade starts to have a devious smile on his face.

KENNY (CONT.): Bruh, why do you look like that?

WADE: Kenny, now that I told Kaitlyn the truth, I feel better. I'm unburdened. Which means I'm starting to remember why I cared about that girl in the first place.

KENNY: Because she was #1 on the honor roll and you weren't?

WADE: Correct. I've got work to do. Lots of work to do, indeed.

Wade snickers as he rubs his chin and walks away.

KENNY: He better get that spot next semester.

Cut to black.

("Craving You" by Thomas Rhett featuring Maren Morris plays over the end credits)

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