Aether came into the Serenitea Pot eager to see his girls, but he found something else when he entered the mansion. The guys were scattered around the living room sitting on couches and chairs. They looked like they'd been expecting him.
Kaeya and Tartaglia acknowledged him sadly.
"Sit down," said Tartaglia. "We need to talk."
Aether cocked his head.
"Sit down, it's just a talk," said Kaeya.
More than a little confused, Aether went to an unoccupied seat. Lyney, Venti, Itto, Gorou, Bennett, Cyno, Kaveh, Gaming, Kazuha, Wanderer, and Thoma sat around the room, looking pensive. Even Wagner and Zhongli had showed up.
"Um…why are you guys here?"
Thoma took a breath. "We feel like lately you've been spending a lot of time with the girls. It's made us feel left out."
"Oh. Sorry. They are my girlfriends, so…"
"Aether," said Zhongli. "We understand you share a contract with them, but you also share a contract with us. As your friends, we deserve your time as much as them."
"Yeah! I got this whole pre-bachelor's party thing planned out for you but you're never around!" said Itto.
"How am I supposed to hang out with you when you're always around that wicked kitsune?" asked Gorou.
Venti rubbed the back of his head. "Um… I know it's pot calling the kettle black coming from me, but you have a problem. Spending this much time with the girls…it can't be healthy, man."
"The bard's is correct," said Cyno. He rolled out a stand that bore charts with graphs. He pointed to a red bar. "This is how much the average man does it in a week." He flipped to a new slide that showed a yellow bar twenty times the size of the red. "This is how much you do it. You're way above the norm. It's not healthy and it's not sustainable. You need to admit you have a problem and you need to take steps towards fixing it."
They all stared at the socially oblivious Mahamatra. Silence rang in the living room like a church bell. Aether stared at the graph, his cheeks flushing red.
Aether murmured, "Um, Cyno? Where'd you get those numbers?"
"This isn't about me, it's about you."
"Putting that aside," murmured Kaveh. "You hear what we're saying, right? We feel neglected as of late."
The guys nodded morosely, even taciturn Wanderer and stoic Zhongli nodded. Aether raised his hands placatingly.
"Okay," he said. "But I do spend time with you guys. I spent two weeks with Venti, Kazuha, Lyney, Gaming, and Itto rehearsing for that boyband performance."
"And why didn't you invite me?" asked Tartaglia. "I would've helped you. Or am I only good for a weekly spar when you need ascension materials?"
"Come on. You know I don't think about you like that," he said.
"That's how you've made me feel," said Tartaglia a little sulkily.
Seeing his friends so upset made him feel guilty. He realized that Childe was right. Even if he hadn't meant to hurt their feelings, he still did. He had to take accountability.
"I'm sorry. I never wanted to make you guys feel like you're second best. What can I do to make it up to you?"
"Spend a day with us every now and then," suggested Lyney. "Invite us out on adventures."
"We don't want you to stop hanging out with your ladies," explained Kaeya. "Just, remember the old saying: pals before gals."
"Okay. Today's Guy's Night Out. What do you all want to do?"
The men grinned.
Guy's Night Out Article by Charlotte
What was supposed to be a simple night of fun became a disaster that sparked national outrage. Aether and several of his male friends had a night on the town. They journeyed around Teyvat on a rented-out cruise boat with a bunch of guys to party the night away. The party went wild. People all across the world could hear the raucous sounds of beer kegs being devoured, strippers partying, and a boat going hundreds of miles over the speed limit across water and land.
The man largely responsible for the reckless driving, the self-proclaimed Captain Itto, crashed the boat into Yashiori Island. What happened next varies according to witness accounts. However, we do know the result: each man involved in the party woke up with amnesia in a rather compromised position.
Childe woke up in the garbs of a shrine maiden. Wanderer ended up in Tenshukaku, wearing the Raiden Shogun's clothes and proclaiming himself "the all-knowing god." Unlucky Bennett woke up with his head stuck in the bowl of a public outhouse. It took the Commission several hours to free him. Cyno took control of the Arrataki Gang, transforming it overnight into a massive transnational organization with branches in every corner of Teyvat.
Arrataki Itto woke up butt naked in bed with General Kujo Sara. Witness reports have her spooning the Oni while giggling in the lewdest manner imaginable. When asked about this, General Sara said, "It's all lies! I'd never do it with that stupid Oni! Please, don't look at me like that! I swear nothing happened! I didn't bring him into my bed for safekeeping, take off his clothes to inspect for wounds, and fondle his chest! B-baka. … Please tell me you aren't going to quote me on this."
Remarkably, some of the men ended up in regions across Teyvat. Aether woke up in Sumeru surrounded by Sumpter Beasts who had been dressed up to resemble Paimon. Kazuha assumed a new identity as Northland Bank chair member Bobby McPerson in the city of Snechnaya. Kaeya assumed command of his own navy fleet that nobody knows the origin of, not even him. Gorou became the leader of a mountain climbing expedition to Dragonspire. Although the general has no recollection of forming this team, he dutifully finished the expedition before returning home.
In the hours when he blacked out, Gaming somehow became the new leader of the Treasure Hoarders. He stepped down from the position due to a conflict of interest between this new responsibility and his job as a transit guard. Likewise, Lyney somehow became the new Grand Sage of the Academiya. He too stepped down from the role, not at all sure how he even got there.
Most remarkably, Sumeru Architect Kaveh woke up as the new Eighth Fatui Harbinger. When asked how Kaveh made the rank, Pierro explained, "It's not that surprising. Most struggling artists have secret mean streaks deep down. It's a thing." Kaveh retired from the position, receiving a generous retirement bonus for his brief time in the role.
Zhongli served a sentence in the Fortress of Meropide for charges related to; failing to pay for a hat, picking a fight with the Dragon Sovereign, and inadvertently seducing every woman in Fontaine with his sexy ASMR voice. Likewise, Venti went to Mondstadt prison for inadvertently seducing all Mondstadt men and then breaking their hearts when they realized he was a dude. The Mondstadt men and Fontaine women are all now in group therapy.
Following this, the UHA passed an amendment that set aside certain days of the week for Aether to hang out with the dudes for "guy time." This way, the guys won't have the repressed urges to be brainless come out all at once ever again.
For the time being, Itto is banned from ever planning a pre-bachelor's party again and may not step within 100 feet of an aquatic vessel until earning official boat driving certification. On the bright side, Kaveh paid off all his debts with his retirement bonus.
The men of Teyvat who consider themselves Aether's friends have since assembled an organization like the UHA, the UBA, or the United Bros of Aether. They intend to pass their own legislation and governance to prevent the absurdities of "Guy's Night Out" from ever occurring again.
