Preamble:

We the friends of Aether, in order to form a more perfect union, and…you know what, I'm going to drop the pretense: we're doing this because Tubby threatened to ban us from the Teapot forever if we didn't. This is the Constitution of the United Bros of Aether. Deal with it.

Article 1 Legislative Branch

We have a Senate and a House, just like the UHA. Same basic rules. In fact, let's copy it word for word.

"The power to make laws resides in the legislative branch, which shall be composed of two bodies. First, the House shall be composed of delegates from each nation, as determined by the nation's population. The House members shall serve two-year terms before stepping down. Second, the Senate shall be composed of elected officials from each nation. Every nation shall elect its own two Senators from the harem. Senators will serve six-year terms and then step down for the next representatives.

"Legislation shall only pass with a majority approval from both the House and the Senate, as well as the approval of the executive branch. The executive reserves the right to veto the legislation, however, the legislative branch may override the veto with a two-thirds majority vote from both houses. The legislative branch may impeach and remove the executive from office with a two-thirds majority vote in both houses."

Itto: Ha, ha, ha. Writing these things is so easy!

Tubby: …

Article 2 Judicial Power

Let's copy this part too!

"Judicial power shall reside with judicial nominees nominated by the President for one ten-year term. Each justice shall receive a predetermined compensation for their services. Each justice shall recuse themselves should the case present a conflict of interests. Ultimate judicial authority resides with Chief Justice Neuvillette, who has the power of judicial review. To qualify as a justice, the individual in question must: have access to the Serenitea Pot and be a nonmember of the UHA."

Okay so, Neuvillette said he can't be our ultimate judge because if he's a member of this organization that presents a "conflict of interests," whatever that means. Also, Tubby told us we have to nominate judges who aren't already working for the UHA so that means we can't use Prince Duel Saint of Cats, which I think is just stupid! What, so because our gang formed second, we get second choice? That's a load of…

[Tubby's Footnotes: Itto proceeded to ramble for pages. I have appended his rant for the sake of our sanity. Moreover, I recommended the UBA get someone else to draft the document. They chose Bennett. What follows is his addition to the Constitution.]

Oh, so it's my turn? Okay, so um… we should choose a president. I'd choose one of my dads, but that probably wouldn't be fair. So, I think we…

[Tubby's Footnotes: At this point, Bennett spilled an inkwell over the document which necessitated rewriting the previous sections and selecting another scribe. The men chose Razor. He ate the Constitution. Once again, they had to rewrite and select another scribe. In a rare moment of thoughtfulness, the guys forced Alhaitham to do it, much to his annoyance.]

I, Alhaitham, nominate Wolfey of the Imaginarium Theater to be our first President. He's not from any one nation, so he's less likely to favor one nation over the other. If we're good with that, then let's let him nominate our judges.

[The nomination was unanimously approved.]

President Wolfey nominates the following individuals to hear low-level cases related to domestic affairs: Oz, Grandpa Almond, Aether's Saurian Companion, Mini Durin, and Berrypuffier. They shall form the domestic court.

Meanwhile, national disputes shall be heard by a jury composed of two justices representing each nation. For the first session of the UHA, these justices shall be:

For Mondstadt: Sir Pouncealot and Dustball and Wagner and Manly Jack;

For Liyue: Ash the Cat and Dahei the Dog and Dadao the Pelican and Lingyuan;

For Inazuma: Bake-Danuki Gyoubu Koban and Yashiro Commission Shuumatsuban dog Inu Shoushou and Crimson Cyclone and Kujou Kamaji;

For Sumeru: Sumpter Beast "Windwheel Aster" and Rahman and Blitzara and Arapandu;

For Fontaine: Scylla and "Trendy Zaytun Peach" and Consigliere and Bran;

For Natlan: Saurian Ayo and Greedy Alpaca and Strange Yumkasaurus and Scaredy-Cat Alpaca

For Snezhnaya: Zakhar and Mikhail and Afansi and Mikhail.

[Tubby's Footnotes: At this point, there was some debate about whether Wolfey had stacked the bench with nonhuman members to prejudice the bench toward nonhuman UBA members. 20 justices are nonhuman while only 8 were human. Zhongli noted, "I find it a bit concerning that all of Liyue's judges are…well, animals." Thus, the men decided to pass an amendment to this bill decreeing that each nation and the domestic court must have always at least two human nominees. President Wolfey is now considering human nominees for Inazuma, Sumeru, Fontaine, Natlan, and the domestic court.]

Each case shall have an equal number of Justices representing each nation. The Justices chosen for any case will vary according to availability. Additionally, a member of the domestic court will vote in the event of a tie. The President may nominate judicial appointees, which must be approved by a majority of the Senate. If the Senate fails to hold a hearing for the nominee within three to four working weeks, then the nomination passes without the need for a vote.

Article 3: Executive Power

All laws passed by the legislative bodies must be approved by the executive power, the President. The President shall have sole power to admit or deny any other men into the brotherhood, grant executive pardons, as well as the authority to enforce legislation through commanding the armed forces. In the event the President is indisposed, executive power shall instead rest with the vice president.

Only nonmembers of the brotherhood may run for the executive branch. The executive must be a person who is born in Teyvat, has acquired an age of an equivalent of at least ten human years, and has access to the Serenitea Pot. They will have four-year terms, limited to two terms total. Additionally, the president shall select a vice-president, who shall in turn pick the line of succession.

The president may not: accept bribes, pardon him or herself, collude with enemies of the UHA, or tamper with election results.

[Tubby's Footnotes: At this point, Kaveh accused Alhaitham of plagiarizing the UHA Constitution by copying it verbatim just to be lazy. This led to a contentious argument between the roommates, which resulted in Alhaitham offering to step down as the UBA Constitution Scribe. He did so before anyone could debate the decision. Clearly, he intended to get out of this job one way or another. Needing a scribe, the men once again deliberated over who should take over. They nominated Xingqiu. After one minute, they realized his handwriting was a crime against nature and selected Thoma instead. What follows are his contributions]

Article 4: Hanging Out with Aether

So, I think it'd be most fair if we drew lots to decide the order of this. How about we let President Wolfey oversee it? And let's adopt some of the rules the girls had: order changes after one cycle, everyone gets their turn, no time dilation shenanigans, new bros get put in last, and all that stuff.

Cool, so if we're all on the same page, I'd like to ask Tubby about something. She mentioned once that Yae Miko hosted orgies in the Teapot. Does that mean my lady is—?

[Tubby's footnote: At this point, I politely suggested Thoma resign from his role as scribe before he angers the Yokai. He got the message. This time, the men chose Ajaw. He lasted exactly five seconds. All I will say is that Ajaw learned where he stands in the pecking order.

[They nominated Chongyun but politics are a naturally negative environment. His excess of Yang energy reacted poorly to his situation and rendered him unconscious in about two seconds. The men then nominated Freminet.]

… oh, um…maybe we…should um…stop looking at me?

[Tubby's footnote: He asked if he could resign. The guys selected General Gorou to finish the constitution.]

Article 5 Aether's Kids

We should help Aether raise his future kids. It's my honor to assist her Excellency as she journeys through motherhood.

Wait, does that mean I'd have to babysit Yae Miko's kids? Oh Gods, help me!

[Tubby's footnote: Gorou had a slight panic attack and hid under a chair whimpering. Given his inability to continue, the men selected Wanderer as the new scribe.]

Seriously? You guys want me to do this? You realize I hate all of you, right? I'm not looking after Raiden Ei's kids. I don't care what any piece of paper says I have to do. It's not happening.

[Tubby's footnote: At this point, I realized we'd be here a while. Wanderer was replaced by Mika who lasted a second longer than Freminet. Next, they elected Kaeya as the scribe.]

As we were saying, we'll help Aether out with his kids when he has them. It's the least we can do as his friends. A commission of UBA members, two from each nation, shall decide who babysits who. This way, Gorou doesn't have to interact with that Kitsune.

Also, Wolfey is godfather to all kids produced by the UHA. He shall be called Uncle Wolfey. Furthermore, Klee is a big sister to all the kids, and they shall refer to her as big sis Klee, the mighty and wonderful.

[Tubby's footnote: Tartaglia objected, demanding that his brother Teucer should receive similar consideration. After some back and forth, Kaeya added the following clause]

Additionally, Teucer is also a big brother to all the kids.

[Tubby's footnote: Baizhu requested a similar clause be made for Qiqi.]

Also, Qiqi is the big sister to all the kids. The UBA will acknowledge people as brothers and sisters whenever and if ever necessary.

Article 6 Lobbying

It's illegal. Truth be told, I wanted to write this part into the Constitution so I could screw over Diluc. We wouldn't want Mr. Wine Tycoon to put our brotherhood into his pockets, now, would we?

[Tubby's footnote: Kaeya then proceeded to flip off Diluc, jump off the stage, and leave while singing "Another one bites the dust." I took this as a sign that he got what he wanted into the Constitution and had resigned as a scribe. The men debated for a while over who should be their next scribe. Many suggested Kaveh, but Alhaithem objected saying that Kaveh would write articles that led to the group's bankruptcy. Venti wouldn't support Zhongli as the scribe and Zhongli wouldn't support Venti, so those two were off the table. Venti suggested choosing Xiao, which the others eventually agreed to.]

Article 7 Aether

I'm only going to add this one article. All members of this brotherhood share equal responsibility for Aether's wellbeing. This includes his mental and physical health, his safety, his financial well-being, and so on. Our ultimate goal is to work towards Aether's happiness. And to make sure "Guy's Night Out" never happens again.

[Tubby's footnote: At this point, Xiao teleported away. Once again, the men deliberated on the next scribe. Baizhu volunteered but Kaveh objected. He explained, "Any man who would charge three million Mora for everlasting incense is a crook and a quack!" Kamisato Ayato declined his nomination, feeling he had a conflict of interest due to his ties to UHA member Kamisato Ayaka. Itto put on a mustache and glasses and volunteered under the name Otti. He was sent to timeout. The guys eventually settled on Gaming.]

Article 8 Wingman

Everyone has to be a good wingman for Aether, and no favoring one gal over another when wingmanning. Also, let's not mess up another bro's time with our bro Aether.

Article 9 Hangouts

Each bro gets 24 hours with Aether according to their hangout as we decided by in the lot drawings. No messing with another bro's time with Aether, okay? Oh, and if Aether can't hang then, the hangout gets postponed for another day. Everybody gets their turn.

Article 10 Ethics

Let's make it so that judges can't accept bribes or any other gifts. I think that makes sense, yeah?

Article 11 Freedom of Speech and Assembly

Anybody can say or write anything. Protests are okay if they're peaceful or whatever.

Article 12 Tubby's Place

Let's say that while we're in the Realm Within, we can't break anything. It's Aether's home and we shouldn't cause a ruckus.

[Tubby's Notes: Itto objected to this Article saying that Piñatas are supposed to be broken so if they have a Piñata Party, they'd be kind of screwed. Plus, how would he have a Onikabuto Beetle Battle if he had to stay quiet 24/7? Gaming added the following clause]

We can break Piñatas and make noise. But we will listen to requests for silence.

Article 13 Political Parties

Diluc suggested we should ban political parties, but I don't think that makes sense. Banning parties is so anti-fun. I mean, we should have the right to party it up when it's someone's birthday, and…wait, that's not what a political party is? Oh. Sorry then, I think someone else should write this section, cause I don't know what political party means.

[Tubby's footnote: Tartaglia ran a campaign to become the next scribe, but did not receive the majority vote due to the fact he was a Fatui and more importantly, the fact he was rich. Kaveh explained, "I don't think a rich person could represent the common man like me," to which Alhatham said, "You mean the destitute man." This led to another heated debate between the two that lasted a while. Long story short, they chose Albedo. At this point, a whole day had passed, and I hadn't slept once.]

Very well. I concur with Diluc's opinion. Political parties are hereby banned to avoid partisan infighting. Furthermore, let's ban the kind of campaigning we saw when choosing me to be the scribe. It wouldn't be fair if someone with a lot of Mora bought their way into office. So, no campaigning for the position of presidency, judiciary, or legislative.

[Tubby's footnote: Diluc proved less supportive of this latter proposal. Fortunately, he was outvoted and we didn't have to replace a scribe once again.]

Article 14 Intimidation

Soldiers may not be housed in the Teapot to intimidate other UBA members.

Article 15 Aether's Birthday

On the Traveler's birthday, the order determined by lots shall be briefly suspended. Everyone shall celebrate the occasion in the Serenitea Pot with Aether. The UBA shall form a joint commission with the UHA to plan out the details of his birthday, so our plans do not conflict. The committee shall be composed of two members per nation, one UHA and one UBA.

Article 16 Birthday Plans

If Aether opts to spend a UBA member's birthday with them, then the individual who would have had their turn on said day will receive their hangout on the next available day.

Article 17 Judges

I believe it would be prudent to insist the canine and feline justices recuse themselves from cases involving our more animal-like brothers. Also, I think Wolfey should select some Snezhnaya judges who aren't with the Fatui so we can avoid justices overly skewed towards Tartaglia and Lyney. Draconic judges like Scylla will recuse themselves in cases involving Neuvillette. In the same vein, I will request Sir Pouncealot recuse himself from any cases involving me.

Article 18 Holidays

Windblume, Lantern Rite, Irodori Festival, Interdarshan Championship, and the Furina Film Festival are all federal holidays. Hangouts shall resume post-festival.

Article 19 Sex Talks

I assume we're all under no delusion that Aether has sexual relations with all the UHA women. So, let's agree that we shall never allude to their activities in front of Klee, Teucer, Yaoyao, Qiqi, Diona, and any other children.

Article 20 Financial Support

Those capable of paying shall offer Aether financial support as needed. Also, there will be a cap on how much each member may contribute at any single time to prevent Kaveh from going bankrupt. These are all donations with no political gain expected in return. Should the funds be given on the basis of any condition, the UBA member behind the donation is permanently banned from the UBA

[Tubby's footnote: Finally, a whole day after we began the constitution was ratified. Not going to lie, I shed tears of joy. Of course, in less than an hour, it became apparent we needed further amendments.]

Bill of Rights:

Amendment 1 Freedom of Speech and Assembly

We're putting this in twice because it bears repeating: Anybody can say or write anything. Protests are okay if they're peaceful or whatever. Tartaglia, please don't threaten violence against anyone who slights the Fatui or says Teucer isn't the best brother in the world.

Amendment 2 The Itto Amendment

Here's a list of all the things Itto must never do: Pick fights with General Sara or Yelan in the Teapot, plan guy's nights out, captain a boat until he earns his boating certification, make trouble, offer Kaveh financial advice, be told about NFTS or Crypto, interact with Dori, cause a nuisance, butt in on Aether's dates, touch alcohol, give anyone else alcohol, dance on the rooftops of the Realm Within, go fish blasting with Klee unsupervised, put up flyers around the Teapot without prior approval from Tubby, and …

[Tubby's footnote: This particular amendment goes on for a thousand more pages. I shall have Alhaitham draft an abridged version at a later date.]

The UBA has the power to make laws that are necessary and proper to carry out the powers already granted to it, especially when it comes to managing Itto's nonsense.

If Itto breaks any of these laws, Tubby is allowed to command the UHA to shave his hair. Kujo Sara will carry out this punishment.

Amendment 3 The Tartaglia Amendment

Tartaglia may not fight anyone inside the Serenitea Pot. If he breaks this law, then Tubby is allowed to command the UHA to castrate him with a blunt knife.

Childe: Um…that seems a little harsh. Is that really necessary?
Tubby: Entirely.

Amendment 4 The Zhongli Amendment

Zhongli may not keep asking everyone for Mora. Additionally, Zhongli will not accidentally seduce the women of Fontaine with his sexy ASMR voice. If Zhongli says a word about Osmanthus Wine again, he gets his mouth taped shut.

Amendment 5 The Venti Amendment

Venti may not use the Teapot as a place to stash all his alcohol. Additionally, Venti will not accidentally seduce the men of Mondstadt and then break their hearts when they learn he's a dude. Finally, he will not attempt to dress as a woman and seduce men into becoming his "sugar daddy." If he breaks any of these rules, Tubby will turn the Serenitea Pot into a cat bar.

Venti: People who support the arts are not sugar daddies; they're simply patrons.

Tubby: You're not fooling anyone, Bardboy.

Amendment 6 The Razor Amendment

Razor may not sniff another person's butt. At least, not without consent. Same for Gorou.

[Tubby's footnotes: Gorou objected to this, saying he never sniffed anyone's butt in his life. Though, it was hard to gauge his veracity given his wagging tail.]

Amendment 7 The Kaveh Amendment

Nobody tells Kaveh about NFTs or Crypto (if those ever become a thing in Teyvat). Please for the love of Celestia, he's already destitute, don't hurt the poor man even further.

Amendment 8 The Kujo Sara Amendment

So, Kujo Sara is now a member of this organization. From this day on, ladies can be nominated to this organization if they aren't a part of the UHA, are not members of the UHA judiciary system, have the body of an adult, and have no romantic interest in Aether.

Amendment 9 Nonviolence Amendment

No nation shall conquer another nation to bring both nations under one rule, thus solidifying the nation's control of the UBA. Yes, we made this nation because we can't trust a certain battle-loving maniac.

Amendment 10 Equality

Men and women can both equally qualify to become justices on the UBA.

Amendment 11 The Sara/Itto Amendment

Itto and Sara cannot share the same room during Congressional sessions as their raw will-they-won't-they friction is so overpowering it makes the rest of us feel like third wheels and frustrated onlookers just wishing they'd bang and get it over with.

[Tubby's footnote: Amendment 11 caused a heated debate amongst the parties it legislated.

[Kujo Sara objected to this Amendment, saying, "I don't like that stupid Oni, damn it!"

[Itto replied, "Yeah well, I don't like you either!"

[She replied, "Shut up, you stupid Oni!"

[He replied, "Eat poop, you chicken!"

[This led to a furious back-and-forth argument between the two that became so tedious everyone else left to let them vent. We came back the next day and found them sharing a bed. Both insist they have no idea how they ended up like this, but the rest of us just rolled our eyes.]

Amendment 12 The Alhaitham Amendment

We keep Kaveh and Alhaitham separated during legislative sessions. Their bickering takes up too much time.

Amendment 13 The Wanderer Amendment

To Wanderer: if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

[Tubby's footnote: Since this amendment's ratification, Wanderer hasn't spoken one word to anyone. It's a little concerning honestly.]

Amendment 14 The Chongyun Amendment

Nobody feeds Chongyun spicy foods. Additionally, no beans for Itto.

Amendment 15 The Ayato Amendment

Please don't feed anyone your culinary experiments, especially when the UBA is in session.

Amendment 16 The Cyno Amendment

Cyno can make a maximum of three jokes per day in the Serenitea Pot. Any more than three and Tubby is authorized to command the UHA to confiscate his Genius Invocation Deck.

Amendment 17 The Baizhu Amendment

Baizhu may not try to haggle Kaveh out of three million Mora with some everlasting incense or other products. For a doctor, you're awfully greedy. If all doctors were like you, nobody would be able to afford treatment for the most basic of illnesses. Good thing the real world is nothing like that.

Wait a second…

Amendment 18 The Lyney Amendment

Lyney must wear pants in the Serenitea Pot. The thigh-high things make you seem effeminate which is just confusing when we have female members in the UBA.

Amendment 19 The Bennett Amendment

We've got to do something about Bennett's bad luck, man. Our meetings keep running into accidents that stifle our progress. Albedo and the scholars will set aside funds to find some cure.

Amendment 20 The Kaeya/Diluc Amendment

These two can't share a room at the same time due to an inability to cease bickering.

Amendment 21 The Mika/Freminet/Xiao Amendment

Mika, Freminet, and Xiao can write down their opinions in place of public speaking.

Amendment 22 The Xingqiu Amendment

Xingqiu doesn't write legislation or anything else related to our operations. He shall be assigned an assistant to facilitate his legislative duties.

Amendment 23 The Neuvillette Amendment

Neuvillette is a UBA member but has no voting power until his term as UHA judge ends. Conflict of interest makes it impossible for him to be objective.

[Tubby's footnote: He couldn't help doing legislative favors for Furina. Adorable, but still unprofessional.]

Amendment 24 The Heizou Amendment

Heizou's first loyalty is to the UBA. If the UHA attempts to recruit him to spy on the UBA or reveal our secrets, he must decline.

Amendment 25 Cooperation

The UBA and UHA will collaborate to prevent conflict. Above all, we must ensure our groups never go to war.

Amendment 26 The Gorou Amendment

As of today, General Gorou has a restraining order against Senator Yae Miko. Should she break that order, President Wolfey can authorize the UBA to formally remand her as necessary. Also, if she traumatizes him or any other UBA members any further, she's paying for their therapy bills.

Amendment 27 The Sethos Amendment

I don't know who started this, but can we please stop these baseless rumors? No, Sethos is not the secret love child of Claude von Regan from Fire Emblem Three Houses. And no, Wriothsley you can't adopt him because he's not Joe Zieja's secret son!

Amendment 28 The Wriothsley Amendment

Credit Coupons are not an acceptable form of currency outside of the Fortress. Please use Mora.

Amendment 29 The Tighnari Amendment

Please don't use your elemental skill in front of Gloria. It's inconsiderate and rude. Yes, she's blind, you don't need to remind her, you butthead.

Amendment 30 The Thoma Amendment

Please ask permission before giving head pats to Tubby and Wolfey.

Amendment 31 The Gaming Amendment

… you know what? We don't have any problems with you. You're a good boy. We all like you a lot. Keep up the good work.