Harry Potter, having just defeated Voldemort, felt like he had the biggest dick in the entire wizarding world.
This was not true, as Hagrid was truly packing, but nonetheless it felt great. He could do anything, party, snort coke, make the UK government even worse just for a laugh, but instead he decided he just wanted time to spend with his two chums, Ron Weasely and Hermione Granger, who were currently sitting across from him in a nice classy restaurant.
"Harry, why are we in America" asked Hermione.
"Because the last time we ate at home our food came alive and killed itself by subjecting itself to hours of James Corden. And it wasn't even magic. Besides, the vibe here is quite great, don't you agree?" responded Harry.
"Yer well right mate I could bloody bust one and shag a bird" said Ron, rather proudly.
"Well I didn't ask you virgin" said Harry.
"Oi! I'll tell ya I've explored the inner workings of a girl through her vag. I explored it like I was James Bond on a mission."
"Ron, you weren't supposed to say that!" said Hermione.
"No worries love, I was referring to Ginny" Ron said earnestly.
Hermione then said nothing.
"Shut it you two, this is a nice restaurant and I want to enjoy the atmosphere" said Harry.
"But I didn't even say anything" replied Hermione.
"Then keep doing that. Now what do you want?" asked Harry.
"Well I-"
But before Hermione could finish Harry spoke of his current fury.
"You fool! You just spoke! How could you" said Harry.
"You asked me for my order" Hermione protested.
"You could have ignored me" Harry said with facts and logic.
"E's got ya there luv" said Ron.
Just then a fork was thrown and landed into Ron's eye.
"I SAID NO TALKING" yelled Harry.
"Harry, you've gone mad" insisted Hermione.
Just then, a snooty French man with a slight aura of bloodlust appeared.
"Bonsieur, what will we be having zis evening" asked the waiter
"Ah think ah'd like a hospital" said Ron.
"One hospital" replied the waiter.
"No, what we all want is your most expensive meal" said Harry.
"Ah, ze corpse banquet eet ees" said the waiter.
Just then several fleshly served dead bodies were put on the table.
"My God, Neville's on there!" said Hermione.
"Oh wow, they really went all out" replied Harry.
"Me cock's gone" said Ron.
"Harry, this is insane! We must leave" protested Hermione.
"Nonsense, this is a delicate meal and we will eat as such" insisted Harry.
"You can't really be suggesting... cannibalism?"
"Ah'm slipping further. Tell Ginny ah loved er. Also that ah wish we used protection" said Ron.
"See, Ron's made his decision!"
"This is too much, I MUST be leaving" said Hermione.
And so she did.
"Well this is great" said Harry.
"Ah, my mistake. Ze most expensive meal is actually ze Harry Potter" said the waiter.
Just then Harry was yanked by several chefs.
"Wait where are you taking me? Do you know who I am?! Have you not seen Guns Akimbo" protested Harry.
But it was too late, Harry was soon thrown into a stove, which was set to the highest temperature. Flesh burned and every second felt like a raging hellfire of indescribable pain.
Luckily he handled it like a pro.
"I'LL CUT YOUR DICKS OFF AND FEED THEM INTO YOUR MASSIVE HOLES YOU CANCEROUS WANKERS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
And then he died.
After that, a miracle happened. His corpse was somehow enough to serve an entire restaurant full of people, so that is exactly what happened.
Everyone died and Hermione soon shared the same fate after spending a milisecond on JK Rowling's Twitter account.
Please note that this was all an elaborate hoax to trick all of you into accepting the death of beloved characters so that the upcoming Harry Potter HBO show would seem more appealing in retrospect.
If you are unhappy with this deception, feel free to make more erotic Potter porn so that your wildest fantasies come true. Or bomb David Zaslav's house. Both good options (my lawyer advised me to state that it is not a good idea to bomb homes or write child porn. Don't lie I know you were going to make Harry fuck Snape. Shame on you)
THE END
