Tossing, turning

Struggled through the night with someone new

And I could go on and on, on and on

Lantern, burning

Flickered in the night, only you

The smell of fresh coffee filled Erin's apartment as the early morning light filtered through the windows, casting a soft glow over the kitchen. Jay stood by the counter, his sleeves rolled up, flipping pancakes with a casual ease. It was becoming a routine—him showing up with breakfast ingredients and making sure she ate before they headed off to work.

Erin leaned against the doorway, her arms crossed, watching him with a mixture of amusement and something softer, harder to define. She couldn't help but notice the way his hair fell slightly into his eyes, or the concentration on his face as he carefully poured more batter into the pan. It was moments like these that made it difficult to forget what they had, even when she tried.

"You're really committed to this, huh?" Erin said, a smile tugging at her lips as she moved into the kitchen.

Jay glanced over his shoulder, flashing her that familiar boyish grin. "What can I say? I make a mean pancake."

Erin shook her head, sliding into one of the chairs at the kitchen table. "You know, you don't have to keep doing this."

Jay's eyes softened as he turned back to her, flipping the last pancake onto a plate. "I want to," he said simply, walking over to set the plate down in front of her. "Besides, everyone needs a good breakfast. You've got a big day ahead."

Erin raised an eyebrow, sensing the slight edge in his tone. "What do you mean, big day?"

Jay hesitated for a second, his hands stilling as he poured two cups of coffee. He handed her one before sitting across from her, his eyes searching hers. "You've got that date tonight, right? With Dave."

Erin's breath caught in her throat for a moment. She hadn't mentioned the date to him directly these days, but she should have known he'd pick up on it. They'd been spending so much time together lately, and she could feel the weight of the unspoken words between them, always hovering just beneath the surface.

"Yeah," Erin said softly, lowering her gaze to her coffee. She took a sip, using it as a moment to gather her thoughts. "I have that date."

Jay's jaw tightened slightly, but he didn't say anything right away. He just nodded, his eyes still on her, waiting. Erin felt her chest tighten—this wasn't easy for either of them.

"I've been… trying not to overthink it," she continued, her voice quieter now, almost as if she was talking more to herself than to Jay. "But it's harder than I thought it would be, you know? Going on a date with someone…else."

Jay's gaze softened, and he leaned forward slightly, his elbows resting on the table. "Yeah, I get that," he said, his voice calm but laced with a deeper meaning. "It's not easy, especially when..."

He trailed off, and Erin knew exactly where his mind was going. The 'especially when' was them—what they had, and what had never really gone away, no matter how much time had passed. The room felt heavier, the silence thick between them.

Erin sighed, her fingers tracing the edge of her coffee mug. "I'm trying, Jay," she admitted, her voice tinged with frustration. "But—"

She paused, glancing up at Jay, the weight of what she was feeling clear in her eyes.

"I don't know..it already doesn't feel right," she finished, her voice barely a whisper.

Jay's expression softened, but there was a flicker of something deeper in his eyes—hope, maybe, or something close to it. He didn't smile, but the way he looked at her said everything he wasn't ready to say aloud.

"I'm not saying that to give you false hope," Erin continued, her frustration now directed inward. "It's just… I don't know if I can go through it,again.He could be nice and I..I don't really think you deserve this..me going on a date with someone else while you're..being perfect."

Jay's lips parted as if to say something, but he paused, his gaze steady on hers. He shook his head slightly, leaning in, his voice soft but firm. "Erin, don't do that. Don't put this on yourself like it's your fault. You deserve to figure things out, no matter how messy it feels."

Erin stared at him, feeling the weight of his words settle over her. She knew he meant it—he always meant it. Jay never held her choices against her, never let bitterness creep into his voice, even when it hurt. And that, somehow, made it all the more difficult to face him.

"I just don't want to hurt anyone," she whispered, her voice breaking slightly. She could feel the emotions welling up, the conflict she had been trying to push down rising to the surface. "I don't want to hurt you."

Jay exhaled slowly, as if he'd been holding his breath. "Erin, you don't have to apologize for that," he said quietly. "You don't owe me an explanation.We have this month to understand all."

"But I do," Erin insisted, her voice trembling slightly. "I do because you're still here. You show up every day—coffee, breakfast, flowers—like you're waiting for something. Like you're waiting for me."

Jay didn't deny it. Instead, he leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his hair. "I am waiting for you," he admitted, his voice steady but filled with emotion. "I'm waiting because I still believe in us, Erin. I haven't stopped."

Erin's heart clenched at his words. Part of her wanted to push him away, to make it easier on both of them, but the other part—the part that had never really let go of him—couldn't. Not when he looked at her like that, like she was the only thing that mattered.

His words hung in the air between them, a promise that echoed through the quiet of the room.

Erin looked down at their hands, his touch warm and familiar, grounding her in a way that no one else ever could. The idea of going on a date with someone else—someone who wasn't Jay—suddenly felt like an impossible task.

"I just don't want to hurt anyone," she repeated, her voice soft and emotional.

Jay's eyes softened slightly, as he kept his tone gentle. "It's one date, and even if it kills me to think about you going out with someone else,I am here. If you feel embarrassed or slightly uncomfortable, just text and i'll call you to fake an emergency."

"You..you would do that?"

Jay's smile was both tender and rueful. "Absolutely. I'd do anything to make it easier for you. Just let me know if you need an out."

Erin's lips curved into a small, grateful smile. "Thank you. That means a lot. It's just… I'm not sure how to manage these feelings."

Jay's gaze was steady, filled with a mix of understanding and determination. "You don't have to have it all figured out right now. You're allowed to take your time, to feel conflicted. We have this month,right?"

Erin nodded, feeling a sense of relief wash over her. The weight of the decision seemed a little lighter, knowing she didn't have to navigate it alone.

As they finished their breakfast, the conversation shifted to lighter topics, but the earlier discussion lingered in the air. Erin appreciated the break from the intensity, the space to collect her thoughts before facing the day.

When they left work, Jay walked her to her car, a comforting presence beside her. The sun was setting down, and the city buzzed with its usual late afternoon activity. Erin felt a pang of anxiety at the thought of the evening ahead, but Jay's support made it a little more manageable.

"Good luck tonight," Jay said as he opened the car door for her. His voice was warm and encouraging, but there was an underlying sadness in his eyes that spoke volumes.

"Thanks," Erin replied, meeting his gaze. "And… thank you, Jay. For everything."

He nodded, a soft smile on his lips. "Anytime. Just remember, I'm here if he ends up being a prick." Jay said, happy to see her respond with a small laugh, the dimples he loved so much finally lightning Erin's nervous face.

As she drove away, she glanced in the rearview mirror and saw Jay standing on the sidewalk, watching her leave. The sight filled her with a mix of emotions—sadness, hope, and a renewed determination to face the evening with an open heart, even if it meant confronting the complicated feelings she still had for Jay.

Erin stood in front of her full-length mirror, adjusting the strap of her dress. The deep navy blue fabric clung to her figure, accentuating her curves in a way that felt both elegant and understated. It was a dress she'd picked out with the intention of making a fresh start, but now it felt more like a costume for a role she wasn't sure she was ready to play.

She took a deep breath, trying to ignore the nagging voice in her head that kept reminding her of Jay—his green-blue eyes, the way his smile could light up a room, and the freckles that danced across his face when he laughed. She felt a pang of guilt as she thought about how much he was still a part of her, even though she was trying so hard to move on.

When the doorbell rang, Erin's heart skipped a beat. She tried to steady her nerves as she made her way to the door, reminding herself that she needed to at least give this date a fair chance.

Dave was standing on the other side, dressed in a sharp charcoal suit that complemented his tall, athletic build. His brown hair was neatly styled, and his hazel eyes—though kind—didn't quite have the intensity of Jay's. He smiled as she opened the door, and for a moment, Erin felt a pang of regret. Dave was a good guy, and he was trying hard to make a good impression, but he didn't evoke the same flutter of excitement in her that Jay did.

"Wow, you look stunning," Dave said, offering her a bouquet of dark red roses.

Not daisies.

"Thank you," Erin replied, accepting the flowers with a polite smile. She could feel the weight of her emotions pressing down on her, making it hard to fully embrace the moment. She took a deep breath and forced herself to focus on the present.

As they walked to the car, Dave's attempts at conversation were warm and engaging. He spoke about his recent work projects and asked about her day. Erin tried to be present, but her mind kept wandering back to Jay—how he used to ask about her day in a way that made her feel truly seen.

The restaurant Dave had chosen was charming, with soft lighting and an elegant atmosphere.

It wasn't her scene,definitely.

They were seated at a corner table, and as Dave continued to chat, Erin found herself nodding and smiling, but her thoughts were elsewhere. She couldn't help but compare every small detail—the way Dave's laughter didn't quite reach his eyes,how their corner didn't crinkle or how his face wasn't constellated by light freckles.

As their meal arrived, Dave seemed genuinely interested in making Erin feel comfortable. He complimented her dress, praised her choices, and even tried to make light-hearted jokes. Erin appreciated the effort, but each time she caught a glimpse of his face, she was reminded of the one she truly missed.

The conversation shifted to their plans for the future, and Erin found herself caught in a web of uncertainty. Dave spoke about his aspirations, his desire to find someone to share his life with, and Erin felt a twinge of guilt. She knew she wasn't fully present for him, that her heart was divided, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was not being fair to either of them.

When dessert arrived, Dave suggested they take a walk by the river, a gesture that Erin found sweet and thoughtful. They strolled along the path, and Dave's hand brushed against hers, a gesture that should have felt romantic but instead felt like a reminder of what was missing.

Erin found herself constantly thinking about Jay—his laughter, his touch, and the way he always seemed to understand her without needing to say much. Dave was good, kind, and attentive, but there was a disconnect that she couldn't ignore.

As they walked, Dave shared stories about his childhood, his favorite memories, the love he held for his younger sister and his nieces. Erin listened, but her mind kept returning to the image of Jay's smile and the way his eyes would crinkle at the corners when he was genuinely happy or when he would tell her about something reckless he and Will did when they were little.

By the time they reached the end of their walk, Erin's anxiety was palpable. She had tried to give Dave her full attention, but the truth was, every moment spent with him felt like a reminder of what she had lost. The comparison was unfair to him, but it was impossible to avoid.

The thoughts kept racing through her mind..

Would he want to kiss her goodnight?

She didn't think she could handle that.

It had been a good night,he was nice, kind, seemed like the type of guy every woman would be looking for.

But not her.

Not when she did have Jay.

It was in front of her apartment that her anxiety was more and more persistent,her hand feeling sweaty despite the cold night of Chicago.

"You know,Will Halstead tried to dismiss me from asking you out the first time," He explained as they arrived to her front door. "Told me you have a lot to deal with."

Erin brows furrowed, taking in the information.Will knew the place her and Jay relationship was in,so he tried to make things a bit less awkward,especially cause Dave worked at Med, and with their work,they happened to be there quite a few times."Dave,I…"

"Look, Erin, I didn't listen to him," Dave interjected, his arm resting on his hip. "But after tonight… I think he was right. You're here, but you're not really… here."

Erin nodded, feeling a flush of embarrassment at being so transparent. "I'm so sorry, Dave. I—"

"I hope that guy knows how lucky he is," Dave said, his voice softening. "That you still think of him."

Erin felt a lump in her throat, her heart aching at his words. "Thank you, Dave. I didn't want to hurt you,that was the last thing i wanted to. I really appreciate your understanding."

Dave gave her a sympathetic smile. "I just hope you figure things out, Erin. You deserve to be happy, whatever that looks like."

Erin watched as Dave turned and walked away, feeling a mixture of relief and sadness. The evening had been a reminder of how much she still carried with her from her past with Jay. As she closed the door behind her, she felt the weight of the night's revelations settle over her.

She went to sleep with a heavy heart that night and with a pair of green bluish eyes on her mind.

As she shifted to one side of the bed to another, her phone rang loudly on her nightstand,enlightening a groan from Erin.

Her phone buzzed again, pulling Erin further from sleep. Squinting at the screen, she saw Jay's name flash across it. A part of her had hoped he wouldn't call, but deep down, she knew he would. Jay had a way of sensing when something was off, even when she hadn't said a word.

She let the phone buzz a few more times before finally answering.

"Hey," Erin's voice was soft, tired.

"Hey," Jay replied, his tone gentle, but she could hear the underlying concern. "Am i bothering you?If you're still with him I can-"

"No," Erin interrupted quickly, her heart racing at the thought. "I'm home. Alone."

Jay was silent for a moment, and Erin could almost feel his body relaxing from his end of the line.

"How did it go?" he asked carefully, his voice betraying the vulnerability he rarely showed.

Erin hesitated, rubbing her forehead as she sat up in bed. "It was fine. Dave's a great guy, really. But I guess he also sensed something was off with me."

Jay was quiet for a beat, the silence on the other end of the line heavy with unspoken questions. Erin knew he wanted to ask more, but he was giving her space. He always did. She closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the pillows.

"I think… I think we both knew it wasn't right," she admitted softly, her voice barely above a whisper. "He could tell I wasn't fully present. And I wasn't. Because…" She trailed off, the words stuck in her throat.

She continued after a pause, hope that Jay would have said something so she didn't reveal that,but at the end she said it anyway."I… I was so nervous, Jay. I was scared the whole time that he might try to kiss me," she continued, her voice trembling. She let out a soft, humorless laugh.

She couldn't imagine no one other Jay doing that, kissing her senseless and making her feel like the only girl the whole world.

"Did he?" He asked tentatively,even if deep down he could feel what the answer was gonna be.And maybe it shouldn't have, but egoistically it made him happy,the fact that she couldn't do it with someone else.

Was it selfish?Jay didn't know,but what he knows is that they both have unfinished feelings for each other and that clearly didn't go away.

"No," Erin whispered, her voice thick with emotion, "I couldn't. I just… I couldn't do it."

The tension in the silence that followed was palpable. Erin could almost hear Jay's breath catch on the other end of the line. He didn't push her, didn't ask for more details. He just listened, his quiet presence a comfort she had grown to rely on, even when things were complicated.

"I don't know," she continued, her voice shaky. "At this point..I don't know if I want to,to move on."

"I'm here Erin," He states seriously,cause he needed her to trust him about that. "And i'm not going anywhere."

There was something raw and real in his tone, something that tugged at the walls she had built around her heart. It was like he knew exactly what she was feeling without her needing to say it, and in that moment, it scared her—how well he still understood her, how much he still cared.

"The one month thing..I don't think I need it anymore." Erin whispered almost breathily, she really hoped Jay heard her.

"W-what?I..I thought..we gave us this time..you don't want-" He started rambling, a weight suddenly dropping into his chest.

"I don't want one month.I want to start over,again.With you." She began, and she could feel Jay's frenetically moving through the telephone.She took that as a sign for her to keep going.

"I..i'm not over you.I'm not over us and I don't want to be.We have a whole lot time ahead,we have to fix things..but I want to do it together,I can't stand being just friends and I definitely can't stand trying to date someone else." Erin breathed deep for the first time since the beginning of her monologue, her heart racing, "I'm sorry if I acted like I didn't care anymore, i was just trying to protect my heart and..right now..I just want you.Us.Really.I..miss you.So much." Erin was not out of breath basically, opening up to him in a way she probably never did with anyone else in her whole messed up life.She waited a few seconds,understanding how her words might have been a bit overwhelming for Jay.

"Mh,Jay?" She muttered as his response didn't arrive,"Are you..still there"

"Y-yeah.Can you give me five seconds?" He asked simply, and if they were video chatting he could have seen the furrow that formed Erin's eyebrows and her quite confused expression.

"okay..but-"

The call went off and Erin thought she definitely erased all the chances she had with him.She paced back and forth between her bedroom and the living room, unsure if she should call him again or actually going to send a whole search team for the strange way he had acted on the phone.

Erin's thoughts were interrupted by the banging of the door of her apartment.Erin jumped in shock,what the hell was this night?

She was in her baggy sweatshirt and a pair of old shorts, her makeup a bit smudged since still she didn't care to remove it and she was pretty sure that whoever was at the door might could have a scare seeing her state.

As she unlocked the door, her eyes immediately recognised Jay's figure. His boots, his dark was jeans and most of all his hands, half stuffed in his pockets.

"Jay?"

"I just wanted to see you in person."

"How?How..did you arrive in 5 minutes?"

"I live pretty much near, there aren't many people driving with this cold."He chuckled, his eyes full of something Erin knew very well.

Happiness,relief,love.

Jay's eyes held hers as they stood in the doorway, the weight of everything unspoken between them crackling in the air. Erin felt her pulse quicken, her breath catching as the reality of his presence settled over her. They had spent months dancing around each other, teetering on the edge of something they both knew was still there, but seeing him now, standing in front of her, made everything feel so much more real.

"Jay…" she whispered, taking a small step back to let him in, unsure of what to say or do next. Her emotions were a tangled mess, but the one thing she knew for certain was that she wanted him here.

Jay didn't waste another second. He stepped inside, shutting the door softly behind him before turning to face her. His eyes swept over her—messy hair, oversized sweatshirt, and all—and the smallest smile tugged at his lips. It was the kind of look that told her he saw everything, every flaw and every vulnerability, and accepted her completely.

"You really didn't have to rush over here," Erin said, though her voice betrayed her, trembling with the weight of the moment. "We could've talked tomorrow, or—"

"No," Jay interrupted gently, shaking his head. He took a step toward her, his hands reaching out to rest on her arms, grounding her in place. "I couldn't wait. Not after what you just said."

Jay's hands tightened slightly on her arms, his eyes softening as he took in her words. For a moment, he just looked at her, as if committing this moment to memory. "Erin," he started, his voice thick with emotion. "I want the same.You.Us.And I really am done running."

Jay didn't wait another second. He closed the small gap between them, pulling her into his arms in one swift motion. Erin melted into him, her head resting against his chest, the familiar scent of him wrapping around her like a safety net. His heartbeat pounded steadily beneath her ear, grounding her in the moment.

"I love you, Erin," he whispered into her hair, his voice low but filled with conviction. "I've never stopped loving you. Not for a second."

Erin's eyes filled with tears, but this time, they weren't tears of sadness. They were tears of relief, of finally letting herself feel what she had been holding back for so long. "I love you too," she whispered, her voice barely audible against his chest.

Their eyes met, and in that moment, it felt like the weight of the past few months melted away. It didn't matter how complicated things had been, or how hard they had tried to deny what they felt. All that mattered was that they were together, standing in her apartment, with a second chance right in front of them.

When she opened her eyes again, Jay was watching her with that same intensity, that same unwavering focus. Slowly, he leaned down, his lips brushing softly against hers, a tentative, almost cautious kiss—as if he was giving her the chance to pull away if she wanted.

But Erin didn't pull away.

She leaned into the kiss, her hand finding its way to his chest, gripping the fabric of his shirt as if it was the only thing keeping her grounded. The kiss deepened, becoming something more—something filled with all the emotions they had been holding back for so long. It was a kiss filled with longing, with hope, and with the promise of something new.

When they finally pulled apart, both of them were breathing heavily, their foreheads resting together as they tried to steady themselves.

"I missed you," Jay whispered, his voice rough with emotion.

"I missed you too," Erin replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "More than you know."

As they stayed like this, tangled in their embrace, exchanging kisses that spoke louder than words, they finally felt whole again . The night had been full of difficult realizations, but there was a sliver of light cutting through the darkness now—a sense that they had found their way back to each other.It wasn't gonna be easy,but love isn't and this time,they are ready to fight,to get it right.Together,ready to let the other one in.

And for the first time in a long time, that thought didn't terrify the both of them.

It gave them hope.

In losing grip

On sinking ships

You showed up just in time