... ... ... DISJOINTED ... ... ...
Nine months since they got married, and neither a day nor a night apart for even longer than that, but now came the moment she had to let him go. Left out of touch, in suspense and to fate due to Antonio's another undercover job outside the Unit, like one when she'd just been affixed with the team, but this time waiting for his return obviously appeared absolutely different. With the worry quiescent, yet, enduring his absence was the utterly difficult thing, both in the office and at home to dishearten her no matter how she tried to maintain cool appearance. While Erin and Kim's, God damn, including Platt, attempts to engage her with something after work showed she as usual hated when people felt sympathy for her, it would seriously annoy, but she was too damped for that kind of emotions either. Thus, she dumbly declined any invitations in the bud as herself arrived at a suitable and reasonable distraction.
Instead of going to their apartment, so empty, where every dull second without him a torment and an ache to suffocate her, she visited her, hell, still sounded impossibly strange, stepdaughter and a little furry friend they presented for Eva's last birthday, or took the girl somewhere else to hang out together. Yep, caring for others always soothed her soul, averting attention from the voidness inside, enforced by the loss of her parents in her youth. That's why all those years her altruistic behavior unconsciously was rather the necessity and a healing pill, however, that not making her aspiration somewhat insincere, as she indeed searched for no reward. Nevertheless, helping out did bring pacification. But along with that, her consideration and goodwill slowly drained her physical and moral energy, hardly revolving and also restricted 'cause of playing self-sufficient human being against woman's nature. That was the self-sacrificing pattern until, by a fluke of providence, she got her own piece of pie called True Happiness, embodied in the very Antonio Dawson, to cherish and be engrossed by. Then, unsurprisingly, her intention to wholesomely contribute to the world didn't blow over but simply gained the right source - out of fullness already.
And yet, currently deprived of her favorite man, that's her husband and her soulmate, she was reconciled to the sad luckily forgotten basics, which in the cruelest days at the edge of adulthood had formed her stamina, kept her "fit" through over decade and now, after she finally attained love and serenity, happened to lightly and transiently, let hope so, test her sanity anew. Therefore, off duty to mend herself she predictably opted for tending upon those who at least didn't mind solicitousness like she. And Antonio's daughter to check on anyways as accepted as family, a remarkable young person, his blood and resemblance, was the best option and a great genuine pleasure. Few times she even took such more of an audaciously selfish step spending the night at Eva's place, because sleeping alone in their marriage bed, as well as staying in the walls of their home, holding so much but finding no him, was unbearable.
Crap. To have someone to penetrate every aspect of her living, her every cell, nestle permanently and cozily there while invigorating and gratifying her, to set the deepest bond, affection and attachment - she had never imagined but shamelessly got used to the state, blessed and blissful. So, what to do when she faced the reality so clearly, the same perceived with every fiber of her essence once he's gone? No, that absorbing devotion didn't scare her. She saw no wrong in that, no extremes, no any unhealthiness. Pure natural fondness as it is. But she badly needed him back as she didn't know how to function in her old "I'm-fully-independent" style.
Got tamed. Completely. And wanted no otherwise.
Briefly reporting while handing the papers, she noticed Voight's imperturbable look slid aside, and whatever emerged behind her, it brought barely visible benevolence to sergeant's expression. On automatic that made her turn around to behold nobody but her husband in flesh, whose approaching by stealth failed, as she instantly dashed forward almost jumping on him to wrap around with all her might. Glued and melting into him, she heard no cheers from witnesses or Voight mercifully granting them ten minutes to greet each other, but felt they moved when Antonio carried her to a spare room for privacy.
Only there she somehow pulled away an inch merely to eye him. How much she missed that! Requiring no indecency, in truth plainly holding him and ogling. The latter even more essential. To catch every glimpse of emotions, every shift of the mood, every shade of a thought, study, memorize and keep admiring. Whether it's a habit they developed first months of their modest flirting, or there's something special in the backstage origin of the connection of their souls. And if, at any point of their relations, she had to choose: watch him every day and converse like colleagues but never allowed to touch and be intimate with, or go totally blind for real but feel his endearment with her whole body, she'd rather prefer the former scenario...
So, as long as no sacrifice was urged, sat on the table, with her legs entwined round his waist as he stood in front of her, core firm to core, her hands fondled all of his what's higher, with a delightful smile her gaze followed each feature she adored in him and demanded him to speak, because hearing his voice was also a relish. Although, their lips craved to reach the same tight connection, yet, she warned him, she wouldn't want to stop then, thus, they had to bear up and postpone a little. Meanwhile, with rare trifling wording between, they just could revel in comfort snuggling and nuzzling - for the lack of any joint during two weeks separated that was quite a bunch to appease. A prudent in all senses act, since soon, whether the time given expired or not, Erin insistently called for them. Fine.
Reluctantly standing up and unfastening herself from her man, however, unvaryingly entrusting her hand into his to clasp and eventually able to breathe free as before his detachment, she walked them to the door, right there to abruptly pressed back into him and his mouth to possessively but gently covering and invading hers. No prior reference, no apology after for disobeying her directive. But she wasn't going to complain. Though, the appetitive kiss had its unexpected consequence as the tears ran down her cheeks. Those were of relief, unlike heavy, silent and helpless escaped from her some of those recent excruciatingly lonely nights with none but a pillow to embrace.
"I won't do that again. I won't leave you," that wasn't an impulsive message to coax her but a resolute well-weighed decision for his own peace of mind.
"No. Antonio, you love your job..."
"I love you more," so easily and securely he cut short her lame protest. "And I'm replaceable at any police task, but as a husband - no."
The last fact she wouldn't ever think to controvert, so, she couldn't help but beam, believing or not if he'd manage to stick to his pledge. He shared her vital need and affection, that's for sure and all that mattered so far.
