Floyd was a little ashamed of how much his mood improved when Branch returned. He didn't know where his brother went, but he didn't need to know. All that mattered was that he was okay, he was here, and he didn't hate Floyd.
Branch still didn't know who he was, and Floyd was too scared to tell him yet. Maybe someday he would, but not yet. Not until he was a little less broken. Not until he could be the big brother that his baby bro deserved.
He didn't want to leave the bunker, but Poppy and Branch didn't let him stay. They both encouraged him to get some fresh air, even if he just sat on the grass outside.
Every morning, before it got too warm outside, Branch would drag him outside to take in the morning air. Sometimes Branch would write in his notebook and not say a word. Sometimes he would make some weapons and such for his bunker. Sometimes he read Floyd's new book.
He had tried reading the book himself, but he couldn't get past the first chapter without bawling and panicking. He couldn't stand the thought of Clay feeling half as lonely as the troll in this book did.
He did better when Branch read to him. Floyd would nuzzle up against his brother, snuggling in his new blanket. He felt loved and not so alone like this.
It also helped that Branch seemed to like the book just as much as Floyd did.
"This is the dumbest book I've ever read." Branch scowled after reading the last chapter. "The troll hates his family and wants to get away from them, the end? And this is for kids?!"
Floyd made an odd sound that was a cross between a laugh and a sob. "I-I don't think he hates his family. He just…he…" Floyd blinked back some stray tears and reminded himself that they were talking about a fictional character, not Clay. "He wanted something else? Something his family couldn't give him?" He didn't really know. He still didn't understand the book, which meant that he didn't understand Clay.
"Maybe they could have if he talked to them about what they wanted." Branch scowled. Floyd shrank back. He knew that Branch was getting worked up. He wasn't exactly mad, but he was sensitive about siblings leaving or abandoning each other. Branch gave him a slightly apologetic look. "Is that how you felt when you left your brothers?"
Floyd shook his head. "My…I think my brother did."
Branch's eyes narrowed. "The brother that rejected you?"
Floyd grimaced. "He didn't…that's not what he did." Floyd had overreacted. He knew he had. Clay hadn't rejected him, he just…he had a new family. A better one. Why should he have to settle for something less just because Floyd was being sensitive?
Branch didn't look convinced. "Then what did he do?"
"He said he'd never leave his family." Floyd said. "But he left us. He left me." But Floyd had left Branch. He had no right to feel hurt that Clay and the others had left. He was such a hypocrite and a crybaby. He thought that Branch would call him out for it. That his baby brother would remind him that he had left too.
Branch blinked slowly, and then he did it again before his eyes narrowed dangerously. "So he told you to your face that you're not his family?" Branch looked ready to throw something, and Floyd was equally ashamed and relieved. He wasn't trying to turn Branch against their brothers, but it also felt really good to know that his first thought had been Branch's as well. They were still probably misinterpreting things, but at least Floyd wasn't the only one.
"He didn't know who I was." Floyd reminded him.
"That doesn't matter." Branch got to his feet and started pacing around angrily. His fingers were fidgeting like he didn't know what to do with them. Branch's fingers ran across the bracelet on his wrist. He froze and slowly started to relax. He took a deep breath and turned to face Floyd.
"Do you want a hug?" Branch asked. He sounded both desperate and cautious. Floyd tilted his head at him. "I-I'm not much of a hugger. I had to turn off my hug-time bracelet so it doesn't beep at me and keep reminding me that I'm not like the others. But sometimes…sometimes I just need that touch. That reminder that I'm not alone."
Floyd whimpered at the thought that Branch ever felt like that. None of them had ever desperately needed touch when they were kids, but being locked up for so long, unable to get any touch whatsoever, made him realize how much it hurt and just how much he needed gentle touches. He tried not to demand too much from Branch, but right now his brother needed it, and how could Floyd deny him?
Floyd stood up and hugged Branch. He tried his best to not cling to him like he was a lifeline. He just wanted a normal hug. One that spoke of understanding rather than one that promised protection. Maybe Floyd's hug was a little too tight, but he felt like he was doing better.
It wasn't a long hug. When Branch made the smallest indication that he was ready to step away Floyd reluctantly let him go. His brother touched his wrist. "Maybe we can get you a hug-time bracelet of your own. Even if it only goes off just once a day, it could help to remind you that you deserve a hug."
"Branch!" Both of them jolted when Poppy seemed to show up out of nowhere. She came over every day, but it was always at a different time. Neither of them appreciated the spontaneity too much. "That's a great idea!"
Floyd gave her a small smile. Poppy was a lot, but he felt comfortable around her. Maybe even more than he did around Branch, who he was always second-guessing himself around.
"I can make you one." Poppy said excitedly. She took Floyd's hand, examining his wrist. "What's your favorite color?"
Floyd didn't really have a favorite color. It wasn't something he thought about too much. He looked at Poppy's hand against his own. Some of his hair fell in his face. His Gray hair. He hadn't realized how much he had loved the color of his hair until it was gone.
"...Pink?" Floyd said uncertainly. "Like, dark pink but not red." Poppy looked at his hair and gave him a small smile.
"I'll get some options." Poppy said. "You're going to love it." Floyd knew he was. Poppy was making him a gift that had been Branch's idea. No matter what it looked like it would mean everything to him.
"Maybe we can try to have a crafting day." Branch said somewhat reluctantly, though Floyd didn't think he was suggesting something he didn't really want to do. He did want to do this, he was just a little nervous about it. He was trying to step out of his comfort zone, and Floyd was proud of him. He didn't know if he'd be able to do that. Not unless he was forced to.
"I think you need to create." Branch said to Floyd. "It's fine if you don't want to sing, or talk, but take it from me, it's not good to bottle everything up. You need to get what's in your head out somehow."
"Oh, I actually had an idea for that." Poppy said. "There's a dream circle in town today. It's a really relaxed thing, where all kinds of trolls just get together and make some fun music. There's not really any pressure about it. It's not about making beautiful music, it's about making beautiful connections."
Floyd smiled. That actually sounded nice. He'd participated in a handful of very small drum circles. It had been a relaxing experience. "I'd like that." He hadn't thought much about his music, but it would be nice to get it back.
Floyd looked at Branch, looking for his approval. If Branch would prefer to have a crafting day then Floyd would be more than happy to stay inside and do something that was just the three of them. His brother didn't look disappointed or frustrated. He just smiled.
"That sounds like a plan." Branch said. There was a weird look in his eyes though. He looked a little cautious.
"What's wrong?" Floyd asked. Branch and Poppy both looked a little shocked at the question.
"Nothing's wrong, exactly." Branch said slowly. "But drum circles are something new for pop trolls. The funk trolls introduced it to all the tribes. Everybody's invited to this kind of thing, and that…that includes rock trolls."
Floyd couldn't help his very small flinch. He shuffled closer to Branch who put a protective arm around his shoulder. Floyd leaned into the touch. It felt like just the kind of thing that his older brothers all did.
Poppy looked sad. "Guys, not all rock trolls are the same." She didn't sound like she was scolding them, but she wasn't disappointed in them. She was just upset about the situation.
Floyd knew that, and he hated himself for his flinch. He had always known that trolls shouldn't be judged by their tribe or clan. He knew that having a bad experience with rock trolls didn't mean that he would be hurt by them again. But knowing it in his head didn't make his feelings go away.
"I-I think I can do it." Floyd said. " He leaned close to Branch. "Just…just don't leave me alone."
Branch sighed and gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "You're way more forgiving than I am." Floyd didn't really understand that sentence. If there were rock trolls there it wasn't as though they would have been the ones who had locked him up.
"We'll both be right there." Poppy said, and Floyd trusted them. The three of them took a few minutes to get ready. Branch wanted to make sure he had everything he might need, so he went back into the bunker to grab things. Floyd slipped back inside to put his book away and grab his headband and gloves. After a few minutes of mental debate he wrapped his blanket around his shoulders and decided to bring it as well.
He wasn't leaving the book because he didn't want to think about Clay, but he didn't want to lose it, and he wanted his comfort items. The book meant a lot to him, but it also made him sad. He was going to be anxious enough in town. He didn't need to cry because of a book. Not today.
Eventually the three of them made their way towards town. Floyd walked close to Branch, but he forced himself to not cling to his brother. Neither of them needed that right now.
They heard the drum circle before they saw it. Floyd's ears twitched as he heard the beats and rhythms of drums and percussion. It was repetitive and soothing. Floyd could feel his soul resonating, reaching out and trying to connect. He felt a bit nervous about it. He stepped closer to Branch, who took his hand. This was fine. He was just fine. He was safe. It didn't hurt. There was nothing wrong.
Floyd reached his free hand up to his chest and just pressed it there. He could feel his heartbeat, and he tapped his fingers to match the rhythm. He closed his eyes and just let himself feel the tapping and listen to the beating of the drums, which was so much different than what he usually thought he heard when he was hyper-aware of his soul.
Floyd kept his eyes closed, even as they arrived at the drum circle. A few people said hi to Poppy, seeming to ignore him and Branch, but for the most part everybody played on. Floyd relaxed a little bit as they sat down. Something was put on Floyd's lap. He opened his eyes to see a hand drum. He reluctantly took his hand from Branch's and ran it over the surface. He couldn't remember the last time he'd held an instrument.
He tapped the drum, smiling slightly to himself when he heard the satisfying thud. He hit it again, a little harder this time. He gave a very small laugh. This was nice. This was good. And this time he wasn't just trying to convince himself.
Floyd played the drum, hitting out the rhythms he could feel in his soul. He could hear the beats and clangs around him but he didn't think too much about whether his music matched the others. He didn't even consider that it wouldn't. He'd been part of drum circles before and they were always able to find harmony with each other..
When trolls got together and they were united their music reflected that, even across genres. Their hearts beat as one. It just happened naturally. Floyd was so lost in playing, feeling, and listening that he didn't realize that while his own music and soul were the same, it didn't quite match the beat that he could hear everybody else playing to. But just because he didn't realize he was off didn't mean that the others didn't.
"Dude, knock it off." An unfamiliar voice with a familiar accent said. Floyd's heart stuttered a bit, but he didn't have the chance to play the drum to reflect that because his instrument was snatched away from him. Floyd looked up, opening his mouth to protest, but his words died in his throat when he saw a rock troll glaring at him with that look that toed the line between indifference and fury.
"Hey!" Branch growled and got to his feet. He put himself between Floyd and the rock troll. He snatched back the drum and handed it back to Floyd, who wrapped his arms around it and held it tightly. Branch gave him a strained smile. "Don't worry about them. You weren't doing anything wrong."
"Seriously?" The rock troll sounded even more annoyed and angry, and Floyd was dreading when they just picked an emotion and stuck to it, because he knew it would be anger. "We're supposed to be playing together, and he's just over here doing his own thing and throwing everybody off."
Floyd blinked. He'd been off? But…but he'd played what he felt, and he felt a musical connection in the drum circle. He shouldn't be off. But when he glanced around at the other trolls in the circle he saw that the rock troll wasn't the only one who was looking at him with mild frustration and distress. Particularly the techno trolls and classical trolls looked upset. Considering techno trolls were all about a solid beat and good rhythm, and classical trolls were very strict about their groups being together, Floyd wasn't surprised that they were frustrated that he was off beat.
Floyd whimpered and shrank back. "I didn't…I didn't mean…" But nobody was listening to him. The rock troll was starting to raise their voice, and Branch was getting defensive right back.
"It's just like you pop trolls." The rock troll said. "You think the rules of harmony don't apply to you. That you can just do whatever you want, and everybody else has to suck it up and deal with it."
"That's rich coming from a rock troll." Branch said. "Remind me, who were the ones who tried to force everybody else to be just like them, whether they wanted to be or not?"
"If you try opening a history book you'll see it was the pop trolls." The rock trolls said. There were some mutterings of agreement, and a few words of disagreement. Floyd stiffened. They were fighting, and it was all his fault.
This wasn't right. He was the one who understood everybody. He was supposed to be the one who kept peace between them all, and yet he was the reason why they were all fighting.
Floyd let go of the drum in his hands, setting it down gently like he was afraid he was going to break it. He wouldn't be surprised if he did. He seemed to ruin everything he touched. He got to his feet and started to stagger back. He shouldn't have come here. This was a mistake.
Branch snatched his hand, keeping him from retreating. "You don't have to go anywhere." Branch growled. "You have just as much of a right to be here as anyone else."
Poppy took his other hand, taking it off his chest. Floyd could still feel his heartbeat in his head. "Branch is right. So what if your music is a little off? It's just a drum circle. It doesn't have to be perfect."
Floyd flinched as the beating of his soul seemed to get louder. It was ringing in his ears and he could almost hear the echo of voices in his head. Floyd tried to pull back but Poppy and Branch had a firm grip on him. Suddenly Floyd felt like he was nine years old again, literally being dragged to a practice that he didn't really feel like going to.
"N-no." Floyd whimpered. "Please, I don't want to." He didn't know what he was saying he didn't want to do, he just knew that he didn't want it.
"Hey, hey, it's okay." Branch said. "You know what, why don't we get out of here? I've got an idea."
Getting away sounded like a great idea. Floyd nodded desperately.
"Okay." Branch said. He looked at Poppy. "Do you think-"
"I'll stay here and do some damage control." Poppy said. "Take care of him." Branch nodded. He squeezed Floyd's hand and pulled him away. He didn't really pay attention to how long they walked or where they were going. He was just glad to be getting away from the others, because now he couldn't hurt them, and they couldn't hurt him.
Eventually they stopped in an empty clearing. Branch sat down, and Floyd sat next to him.
"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself." Branch said. "The others were just overreacting and making assumptions."
"I ruined everything." Floyd muttered.
"You didn't." Branch said. "I promise you didn't."
Floyd rubbed a hand against his chest. He still heard the pounding in his ears. If he didn't have Branch right in front of him, talking to him and touching him, he would be getting lost in his own memories, however skewed they were.
"I think I'm broken." Floyd said. He thought it was only fair that he warn Branch of how much of a disaster he was.
"You're not." Branch growled. Floyd was really good at knowing when people were lying, and though it wasn't quite a lie he knew that Branch wasn't being entirely honest either.
"But I can't connect." Floyd said. "I can't play in harmony." He thought he had, and just look at what happened.
"I don't know if that's true." Branch said. He shifted so he and Floyd were facing each other. Branch put a hand on top of Floyd's, resting it on his chest. He then took Floyd's other hand and put it on Branch's chest.
"Just feel my heart." Branch said. "Feel your own. Don't overthink it. Just feel."
Floyd looked at his brother in shock. He…he knew this. John Dory had done this exercise with them when they'd first started. They would all just sit in a circle, their hands on the chest of those next to them. They just took in each other's heartbeats and felt it as their souls slowly synchronized. Eventually their hearts would all beat in unison, and if they sang together when their souls were like that they sang better than ever.
Floyd had always loved doing that. Just sitting with his brothers. No fighting. No corrections. Just being in each other's presence. Finding harmony even though not a note was sung.
"Good. Just like that." Branch said as Floyd's erratic heartbeat started to calm down and match up with Branch's. It really was comforting and soothing. The longer they sat there the more their heartbeats seemed to merge together until Floyd couldn't tell which one was whose. Their hearts beat as one, and it was…
'C'mon, Bros, we have to give the people what they want.'
It felt…
'We've got something special here. Don't you want to see how good it can get?'
He couldn't…
'Get it together'
This wasn't right.
'We have to keep going.'
Make it stop.
'We have to be better.'
Please.
'We have to be perfect.'
"No!" Floyd pushed Branch away. He scrambled back and wrapped his arms protectively around his chest, as though that would stop the feeling of pure connection and understanding from flowing through it. He and Branch had been in sync. It was supposed to be one of the purest connections between trolls. It was supposed to feel good.
So why did Floyd feel like he was falling to pieces? Why did he feel like something terrible was about to happen? The feeling itself had been wonderful, but it was also terrifying and far too much. It had been good and right, and it still felt so wrong.
What was the matter with him?
"...Bud?" Branch's voice was quiet and cautious. "Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry." Floyd whined. "I'm sorry. P-please, don't make me. Don't make me."
"I'm not making you do anything." Branch said sternly. "Did that…did that hurt you?" He sounded horrified, and Floyd felt a rush of guilt. He shook his head. He was scared, and overwhelmed, and extremely frustrated, but he wasn't technically in pain. He was fine. He was just panicking for no reason.
Branch frowned. He scooted closer to Floyd. He started to reach a hand out, but then he stopped himself. "Just because something's not physically painful doesn't mean it didn't hurt, so I'm going to ask you again. Did that hurt you?"
Floyd hesitated. He didn't want to lie, but he didn't want Branch to think he had done something wrong. It wasn't his fault that Floyd was too sensitive. He swallowed thickly and nodded. Branch took a deep breath.
"Okay." Branch said. "Can you explain what about it hurt?"
Floyd didn't know how to put it into words because he didn't really get it himself, but he couldn't refuse his baby bro just because it was hard. He had to at least try to give an answer.
"I-it felt like before." Floyd said. "It felt so good, but it was so bad." The more the brothers connected, the more they fell apart. They opened themselves up too much, making themselves more vulnerable, and that made it far too easy to get hurt. He couldn't feel the connection without remembering everything that came after it. Everything they went through for their mock harmony.
Branch grimaced sympathetically. "You mean with the rock string?" Floyd flinched at the reminder. The rock string. He could still feel its sound resonating in his soul. He hadn't been thinking about it today, but that wasn't entirely true because the rock string and his bros had started to become one and the same in his head.
Either way he was being forced to feel a spiritual and intense connection to something that he was already connected to.
Floyd hated that it bothered him, because it shouldn't. His soul was fine. He liked rock music, and he adored his brothers. It shouldn't hurt to have a connection to something he loved, so why did it?
"I told you I'm broken." Floyd tightened his grip around himself. He couldn't even look at Branch now. "I-I don't know what's wrong with me. I wanted this. I wanted to understand, and feel, and connect, so why does it hurt when I get it?" He was crying again. "It shouldn't hurt. It doesn't hurt anybody else. Why does it hurt me?" Had he just always been broken?
Branch sighed. "I don't know." Now Branch's arms were wrapped around himself. He was tapping his fingers in a nearly aggressive manner. "I'm sorry. I wish I knew."
Floyd sniffled and slowly released the intense grip that he had around himself. "Being with trolls is hard."
Branch snorted. "I get it. Trust me, I do. Sometimes you just want to get away and get a break." Branch shook his head. "As much as I want to go back to my bunker, lock the doors, and not come out for a few weeks, I really don't think that's what either of us need right now."
"So we have to be around other trolls." Floyd pouted. He didn't want to socialize. He wanted to be around people, but he didn't want to be a part of a crowd.
Branch hummed thoughtfully. "Maybe not. I mean, the world is a lot bigger than just trolls. There are other creatures, and other places. Maybe…maybe a vacation is what we need. That way we can get out and be around others, but there isn't the pressure there to make a strong connection."
Floyd wiped his eyes. "That sounds nice."
"It does, doesn't it." Branch gave him a small smile. "I'll talk to Poppy. We'll figure something out." Floyd nodded. He felt a little bad for making them go to all this effort for his sake, but he wasn't asking it of them. It was all their idea. They wanted to help them, and Floyd wanted to be helped. And he knew how much it could hurt to offer help and have that help be thrown right back in your face. He didn't want to do that to Branch or Poppy. He didn't want to do that to anybody.
He just wanted to be okay, but he knew he couldn't get there by himself. Twenty years of being alone had taught him that much. He didn't know if he could get there with his brothers either, but he wanted to take that chance. As long as Branch wanted him around, he didn't want to let him go.
