I wanted to hide, I didn't want to meet all these people, Rhysand and Morrigan was enough socializing. Avoiding the servants was hard enough at Tamlin's estate, I liked being alone. Tendrils of shadows flowed around me, whispering to my heart, letting me know I could join them.

Rhysand's hand reached to touch my shoulder again, but it flowed through. He looked at me, then his hand. "Have a seat." His voice sounding distant, as if speaking from another room.

The only seat available was one further away, on the other side of a man with red stones on his hands and shoulders and large membranous wings. His name on his soul, his true name. Cassian, my heart was thumping a little harder in my chest as eyes met, the world air escaping my lungs.

Not just his eyes, all the eyes were watching me, I couldn't, I can't. His mouth was moving, but I could not hear. He was smiling, but in a joking manner. What did I do? Did I dress funny? Was it my face? I was here, but I felt out of body, like watching through another's eyes.

Shadows from the wall flowed to me as the ones from inside poured out. Legs stiffening, hands sweating, it was getting impossibly hot, and it was suffocating. The place around me turned black and I was alone. I clinched my eyes shut as shadows whispered sweet melodies past my ear. The sweet songs soothing, taking me away from here.

Then there was another something or someone else was here.

It was distant, but they walked slowly approaching me within this shadowy realm. They had no heartbeat, but I had never seen anyone else here. This place was still new, not fully explored. I turned to the source as it got closer; mossy eyes met mine. As he emerged, his large membranous wings tucked in tight.

He looked ready for battle, dressed in thick leather armor from neck to his toes, a dagger at his side, the shadows picking up the power it had inside. Blue stones on his shoulders, chest, hands and knees. He held his hands up hunching as if approaching a timid animal.

I was the timid animal, the deer ready to run before he could get closer. He paused.

"It's okay. I won't hurt you." His voice was like a song in the shadows.

I stepped back, and he took a half step forward. "Cali, it's okay. You can trust me; I can take you right to Rhys."

A bead of blood flowed down the side of his face, and I took another step with a gasp, then two. Were my shadows doing that? Was it hurting him.

I stumbled, and it broke that shadow realm. I landed backwards, half in and half out. Eyes coming up to another, Cassian's eyes sunk in, blood, so much blood poured out and around his head. My eyes widened pacing his face.

I closed my eyes again, hot tears falling down my face, and as I looked down to where I was, I shook my head. "I'm sorry." I scrambled back and under, falling thought the table. I thought of Rhysand, feeling for him. That's where I went, and I hugging him from behind, burying my face in his back.

"Cali." I crossed the boundary, I mess up. I let go, his presence growing distance. I knew this was a mistake. i should have protested harder.

I looked up to him and his bloodied features. His broken wings, his eyes wide, lips slightly parted as he reached out to me, the shadows swallowing him up.

"Cali, Take my hand."

I held my head, shaking it. No, not this time.

"Cali!"

I flinched, and I reached up without looking. Waiting for those fingers to take me under the abyss again to the new nightmare. Fingertips flicked over mine until they pinched a finger. I was tugged hard and I stumbled forward, arms wrapping around me. Hand bracing my head to his chest.

It was not like any of the other dreams I had. He was warm, and his scent. I broke, sobs filled the void in melodic echoes as my hands gripped the sides of his clothing. Solid, he was solid. I wasn't dreaming.

"It's okay. You're okay." His voice like a song among mist.

"Typical for me to go and ruin the party." I rubbed my face into his clothes, his scent calming me.

His thumb rubbed back and forth. "You have not ruined anything, I promise."

"And this always happens, panic attacks in paradise. Hyperventilating under candied skies. I swear I'm not crying the suns just bright." He held a little tighter, head resting on mine.

"Did you see the day-mares again." I nodded; he gave them a name. "Remember what I told you, how to chase them away."

I remembered, as I moved that forward, I looked up into his candied eyes. "I'm sorry."

His hands roamed up to cup my face. "Only you can choose what breaks you. We are all friends here, you included. You can't let go until the shadows disappear. I'm not a Shadowsinger, I can become lost."

"I'm sorry, I'm just not a new people kind of person. Or a people person for that matter." More tears as my voice strained. I was going to be the death of him, I shouldn't have called to him, never left the other four walls. I just wanted to see him, something in me wanted to see his eyes, his grin, listen to his voice.

His thumbs rubbed tears away the frozen tears, his hands warming my frozen cheeks. "It's okay, Cali. Take a deep breath, your shaking like a leaf." I breathed in deep, but I hiccupped the whole way. "Good girl, again."

I repeated, each breather easier than the last. Thumbs rubbing soothing circles. It was like he knew how to calm me, how to bring me back. The shadows around me were falling, but he kept his gaze fixed on my eyes.

As the real world came into view, I knew I could never have this. Not wholly, this soft touch, his sweet gaze. I would always and forever be the bargain of pity and revenge from under the mountain. Always the one to have to reach out first. Useful until proven otherwise.

While it did not seem that bad if it was next to him, that was also no life to live. Just like being trapped in the four walls of Tamlin's home. There was no home for me, and I would always be looking. I was different, and there was not a damned thing I could do about it.

His hands dropped to my shoulder. "Their gone, now where would you like to sit?"

The dinner, all I did was tilt my head. By You, I thought, I was most comfortable with him. We could be back under the mountain, and I could be given the choice of anyone, and I would choose him. I would choose him over and over. I hated myself for wanting him, he must be married or at least seeing someone, no one this handsome and kind is single.

"How about right by me? Hm?" I nodded; my lips pressed into a subtle smile. "I will take it as a yes." A chair shifted and he tapped my shoulder. I was still holding him for dear life, as I released, he turned holding hand out.

Empty chair right by the head of rectangular table. I checked the walls first, then then the ceiling where a diamond chandelier hung. I assumed safe, and my eyes drifted down to Cassian's bright forest eyes. He had moved over, hands resting on the sides of the table.

His eyes flicked behind me as a grin grew on his face. "I'm starving, where's dinner? I was promised a Dinner Rhys." His eyes drifted to mine. "And who is this woman you brought to the table?" He sang out his boyish grin touched his eyes, and I felt a little more relaxed. His eyes raised to Rhys.

"Hi… Cassian." My voice was close to a whisper.

He blinked as he gazed at me, and I swallowed hard. That's when I noticed the red stone on his chest, and some under the table. All thrumming with power.

His black hair was half pulled back, and a sword down his back as he dawned full fighting leather attire from his neck down. Broad shoulders, and if he was this tall to me and merely sitting, he had to be a mountain when he stood.

"He has already told you about me. Don't worry, Cali. We don't bite, not unless you want us too." He could bite, as long as I could bite back.

My eyes feel to the woman with white eyes and short black hair. There was something off about her, she felt out of place. "Amren, but that's not a true name, it's just stronger than Amadias." She was sitting the furthest way, Mor next to her.

I moved to the man with blue Siphons. His wings tucked neatly behind; I saw him in my shadows. Blue stones on his shoulders, gloved hands, and chest like Cassian. "Azriel." His lips pressed, shadows danced around him, he was like me in that since. His eyes were of sorrow and an apology. They all looked at Rhysand, but Azriel's eyes stayed one me as I sat down.

"This is Calamity, she gave the lead." His face was on me, but I could not look away from the odd thing I saw in Azriel.

"Cali is fine."

"You Spoke of true names, what do you mean Amadias?" I looked to Amren.

"I can see into souls, at least, I think that is what I am looking at. The Name of the person is always there on a thread as it weaves in and out of this glowing iridescent light. Sometimes," my eyes looked to Azriel. "Like how you get called Az for short, it also appears on the same line." My eyes could not leave him, my head tilted. "And that's new, there is blurred letters on another line."

'Daughter of mother.' I peered around, knowing my shield was in place. 'Breathe life.'

I kept searching, but there was no mouth moving, no hint of anyone using their power.

'Build me, put me together. Build me, let my power leak and flow.' This time, Amren looked before she gritted her teeth.

"Ugh, those damned legs have not shut up. They keep screaming to be put back together."

"You herd it too?" I suddenly did not feel so alone at this table.

"See, I'm not crazy. Interesting gift to say the least, never in my days have I come across that one. Girl, just who exactly are you?"

"I don't even know anymore." Food and drinks appeared on the table. Everyone with wine but me.

She picked up her glass of thick red liquid. "The one who tricked Amaranth. The great Calamity curse breaker. I heard you used parts of another language in your deal."

I explained how, and she looked too Rhysand. No doubt having an internal conversation. She looked at me. "You write in this language too?" I nodded. She glanced at Rhysand. "That's a lost ancient tongue."

"I'm not following." More glances this time from everyone. "Stop glancing like that, just spit it out."

"Some of us find it odd you know so many things. Between all of us, writing in a language I have not seen since before the forming of courts. Not just that, you do it well, shorthanded and coded like you have done it your whole life. I saw the book; gave up after four weeks of not understanding any of it."

"That was the goal, my personal thoughts should stay mine." I glared at Rhysand, that's why he picked me up when I called. "Were you that desperate to know what was written? Could have asked me." The pain in my chest surfaced. I placed my tattooed hand on the table, embers burning.

"You also asked for four new walls to look at. It was a win, win situation."

My power whipped around inside me, I felt so used. Choking it down, for I had to stay calm. This was why I had to pull back, but why did it hurt so bad. Why was I holding this tight? There was fire in my checks, ready to let words fly, maybe make him hate me, send me away so I could justify not trying to get closer. Then I wanted to be useful so I could stay.

He gave me a challenging look, and I returned it. Our minds collided, shadows against his black mist. He pulled back to his usual feline smile and casual way. "True, let's keep things calm, shall we? This is my favorite home." His home, not mine, I had no home. He told me to come home, I should have pulled harder and departed from the lie.

Cassian cleared his throat. "I heard you had a new blade constructed, one that folds." I looked to my left, but only at hands.

"I did." I nodded once, slowly. I had my daggers given to me by Rhysand before I left that mountain, I kept them in the shadows since then.

"How is that durable?"

"I can write it for you later."

Cassian pulled a small pocket-sized book out and slid it to me. "You could write it down in here."

I frowned. "I must have made quite a bad impression for you to want the information and run. How about a bargain?"

He smirked as he fully turned. "What do you want? Just ask, I'm sure Rhys will pick up the bill if I can't"

"Oh, you could. How about a night under the stars?" I smirked.

His wings shifted a little an eyebrow raised. "You sure you could handle that?"

I sized him up, he was too easy. "Are you familiar with base one."

"That's quite light to what you insinuated."

I grinned from ear to ear. "Have you ever been to fifth base?"

"Never heard such a thing."

"Oh, you poor sheltered Illyrian Warrior." I took a bite of food, chewing slowly as I watched the gears in his mind turn. "The longer you think about it the more i see you could not handle it. Suppose you won't get what you want after all.

"Then what else would you like?" Rhysand asked.

"To be left alone, in the shadows, a whisper in the winds. Where I belong, where it's quite and no people."

His lips pressed; he was losing. He knew it, the further this went, the harder I bit back. If I kept going, I could make him hate me. I felt bad, I did not like acting like this, but when those flames came, I felt so much hate, and it was making this easier for me. Making it easier to lash out.

Summoning my knife from the shadows, it stabbed right though Cassian's book as I turned to him, his wings shifted, widening themselves a little. "The most important element in this knife is the spring load mechanism and its trigger. It acts as a hold both ways. Size can vary for whatever the use is for, but they are usually pocket size. A little more then the width of your hand. Use this as a reference, give it back when you're done. They are call switchblades."

I relaxed back, picking up the fork, it bent a little and my lips tugged to the side. Not from the grip, from the flames under my skin melting it. I pushed it back into place. Ice, come on. Tendrils came and it created steam, I set it down like it never happened.

"You can go deep into the shadows, where did that ability come from?" My eyes moved to Azriel, he did not care I ruined a fork and fixed it.

"I'm not sure."

"What else can you do?" Cassian asked.

"I can show you." Hands calmed; I took the spoon in my hand. I tapped it on the table, listening to the vibration. In my other, golden light came out and in it, a new spoon formed. I tapped it on the table, proving it was real. I set the two down together to my left and he picked them up.

He turned them over, clacked them together. "I can't tell them apart."

"I can only do small things, that is the newest discovery. Happened after I bent a fork, and I wished I have a new one without them knowing I was still… struggling to get used to touching things. Embarrassing enough to not walk straight. Once I had this." I let the shadows flow. "It became so much easier, because they are soft, so." I used the shadows to life my fork. "I can encase it, protect it."

Cassian went to take a sip, and I made a small barrier. The drink hit it, spilling a little in his lap and I giggled. "What the fuck." He recoiled as the table erupted in chuckles.

"Shield's or barriers, but small ones."

He looked at me. "You could have said it, now I have wine on my lap."

"You wished to know; never said I could not show you. These are the few things I can control."

"Do not forget the hail and rainstorm." Rhys added.

My lips pulled back. "Those are things I cannot control. Fire in my veins, and ice that coats me and everything around me. I do not know what you all did to me, but I hate this gift most days." I turned to Rhysand, the fire in my veins pleading to be released. "The answer is no. You never completed one of our bargains. It's about two and a half months overdue."

I took Cassian's glass of wine and walked off, closing my eyes as I took steps towards that place I would rather be. A tug on that bond, the bargain we had for us to spend two weeks together forced me to stay.

"Sit, two weeks of my choosing."

My body moved on its own, sitting. This was the bargain, the time I had to spend. My chest pounded, bones aching. I had to get out of here before I couldn't contain it. My teeth gritted as the tendrils prickled at my skin. I drank the wine down, but it tasted like water. Then all the glasses but one became water.

It was either wine to dull this or let it all out. Wine was now out of the picture. My options were limited to those around me. I summoned that second knife, thinking if this was really what it had to come to. I lay my burning hand flat, but then I thought I could go for the knee.

"What are you doing?"

My hand was burring the table, smoke rising. "It hurts." I stabbed it though my hand, pinning it to the table.

"By the gods Cali, what the fuck is wrong with you." Cassian's hand came up to take it.

I held the handle as I sighed a bit of relief though the pain. "Don't touch it." I wiggled my fingers, racking the wound a little deeper, then I sang. "You should have known, the price of evil." I glanced at Rhysand.

"You think I'm evil for keeping you hear. I've seen worse." Yes, hate me. Make me believe there is no chance in hell.

"And it hurts to know that you belong here. No one to call, everybody to fear, your tragic fate is looking so clear. Yeah, It's your fucking nightmare. Ha-ha-ha-ha." My laugh evil a ring in the open room.

"This is not the time to sing, you stabbed yourself, and I would like to know why."

My head tilted to the side. "I found it quite calming, and you know why. Keeping me here will make you no better than Tamlin." I know it will sting that ego, because they hated each other.

I slowly pulled my hand through, ripping from my wrist to between my ring and middle fingers. Molten blood had burned partially though the table. The knife was red, it had dulled and melted slightly from the last time I cut myself. Now the damage was worse.

"Release the hold, because you or anyone else will not like what comes next." I felt it leave and I stood speaking calmly. "I will be leaving now; seems I sustained an injury I need to address." The molten lava blood dropped onto the carpet. Sizzling as smoke rose, burned cotton wafting to my nose.

"Where will you go?" He asked as I walked away.

"Anywhere that's not around people."

Shadows crept up from my feet, I felt light like the breeze, and as thin as air as they shifted all around me. Even the air smelled different, but familiar.

When I looked, I was in my room at the court of nightmares. I dropped to the ground, the instability rippling was not as bad, but it hurt, nonetheless. I cried as ice froze my insides, screamed as fire burned my face and arms, and it felt like I was choking on water.