Hello, my dear readers.
It has been a long time. And when I think about how many other fics sit unfinished, ones like mine with a dedicated following (just being factual here) compared to the average story, I am ill at ease letting it remain so without a word from me.
An Odd Awakening was my first fan fiction, my first long-form narrative of any kind. I began writing it when I was in my early 20s, and I am simply not the person today that I was back then.
For a bit of context, I started AOA because I was very sick. Enough so that I was uncertain I would actually live past the next couple years. AOA helped me cope, became this thing that separated me from my disease. It allowed me to exert control over my life when otherwise I felt powerless. Genderbending the characters, including Michael (who is rather loosely based on me), was simply one part of exercising that control. To take those characters and truly make them my own; it was liberating. It gave me strength.
But then AOA became something I could never have predicted. My silly, self-medicating indulgence developed into one of Awakening's more recognizable self-insert stories. People discussed it with respect. Other authors described it as an influence, including one whose fic now has many more followers than my own. It was humbling.
It was also a source of great pressure.
AOA was largely for me, to help me through a period of my life where I was terrified and struggling. Now, it was for everyone else. My writing couldn't be sloppy anymore. It couldn't be this story I wrote while largely ignoring much of the schooling I received during my BFA in creative writing. Many of you can probably spot the tonal shift, the distinct surge in the quality of the prose about halfway through, one that by the latest chapters was almost unrecognizable when compared to the earliest. This is not because I became a better writer (though I believe I am one now regardless). It is because I felt the pressure to actually write with the skill I possess after so many people began reading the story. If you look at Strings Attached and Vital Signs, you will likely note that they are far more tonally consistent and, frankly, better written. Especially Vital Signs. Those stories began with the base of readers I already had from this fic in mind.
Perhaps this comes across as arrogant or narcissistic, but I am not going to be falsely modest. I am a good writer, and An Odd Awakening is an amalgamation of two vastly different mindsets.
As such, when I look at this story now, I can't bring myself to continue it. I'm disappointed by writing I don't view as indicative of my abilities. I will always be thankful to AOA for so many reasons. It got me through a dark time in my life, introduced me to an amazing community where I made friends and realized that the things I wrote bought people joy. But I don't need it to save me like I once did, nor am I wholly satisfied with it as a literary work.
Certain things, like Freya's character arc, Michael's redemption, their relationship, I am absolutely proud of. Freya alone is the best thing about this story, and she's one of my favorite characters I've ever written in any of my stories, despite beginning as merely a genderbent Frederick. But in general, AOA isn't how I'd write the story today.
And so, though it pains me, I must discontinue it. I've grown past it, evolved, entered a phase of my life where AOA as it stands now doesn't fit.
But. There's always a 'but,' yes?
I spent years of my life on this story. I spent years of my life plotting it, thinking about it, obsessing over what would happen. Those plans are still in my head. They're still bouncing around up there looking for an outlet. Despite my mixed feelings regarding its quality, AOA did truly have a direction. Mike's memory loss, the timeline, the mechanism behind the genderbend, the random Old Testament references-it was all intentional from the beginning. Kids, this shit was headed all the way to Jugdral eventually. Come on, you think Fury being Mike's pegasus was just an homage?
Suffice to say, the outline of AOA exists.
It just cannot be built on this foundation.
Will I ever finish that story? AOA 2.0, if you will. I can't promise that. It would be irresponsible to both all of you and myself to make that promise. But I want to. I really want to.
So while this fic is over, the journey might not be. If I do the rewrite, you'll find out here. Another chapter telling you that Frike sails the seas once more. However, it feels wrong to keep that information to myself, to leave people hanging on the status of this version of the story.
I'm so fucking thankful to all of you. It might have been stressful sometimes, but AOA is the reason I believe in myself as a writer. It's the reason I feel confident sharing my work with others. It's the reason I never gave up my passion for storytelling.
Genuinely, sincerely, I love you all. You will never know how much it meant to me to watch this story become something hundreds of people followed. I owe each of you a great debt.
You better believe I hold my own little pouch of pebbles when I think about my readers.
With all the love I can muster,
Syntaxis (Michelle)