Notes: Sometimes I think we'd all be better off if voting were no more complicated than choosing a syrup at the IHOP. And yet, as the list of foods I can safely enjoy gets smaller the older I get, I am convinced even that would get too complicated before long.

FGO: Tales from the Second Archive
An FGO Fanfic by
Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)
Chapter 15: Making the Apartment Complex Again!

The morning began with a text. Mash was very accustomed to these. Both Master and Shirou contacted her primarily through her phone, so she was never without it, unless submerged in a substance that would make using it unwise. And even then, she would entrust it momentarily to someone responsible enough to alert her of any urgent messages.

The text was from Shirou, contained no details whatsoever, and simply read, "HELP".

As a rule, Shirou had near-perfect text etiquette, particularly when contacting Mash. He did not forget punctuation. The only possible explanation was that he had been interrupted, and sent the message because its urgent nature demanded that it be seen, even imperfect as it was.

It was not difficult to discover what the trouble was. Upon leaving her apartment, Mash immediately saw a poster that someone had put up on the wall opposite her door, so that she would have to see it upon exiting. The poster read, "BY PRESIDENTIAL ORDER, PANCAKES ARE THE PERFECT BREAKFAST."
The apartment did not recognize any President that Mash was aware of. And she would be aware of one, since, in point of fact, she and Shirou were the highest authorities in the apartment, or should have been, in that they had regular direct contact with Master. It was possible, however, that Shirou had the sole knowledge and had been prevented from sharing it with her. Possibly by this unknown President. Which turned out to be exactly right. And the obvious preference for pancakes narrowed down the list quite a bit.

However, Paul Bunyan was not the culprit, as Mash found her in the cafeteria, very much enjoying the results of the Presidential Order, which were being strictly enforced. No one was really upset about this, because despite any dietary restrictions or personal preferences, the Berser-girls, as a group, did regularly have pancake breakfasts (largely to keep Bunyan calm), and since they were all calm, so was everyone else. No one else present had any ideas about the mysterious President, other than they were likely a big Bunyan fan. But since all the Berser-girls were in the cafeteria at the time, they didn't seem like good suspects. Jeanne mentioned that Shirou had said something about making changes to the Conference Room. With nothing else to go on, Mash went there next.

But the Conference Room no longer existed. Instead, the space was now occupied by the Boval Office. Seated at the only desk in this office, beneath an enormous picture of Babe the Blue Ox, was another Paul Bunyan. Yet, she was clearly different from the one Mash had seen minutes earlier in only three ways.

She was smaller, she was wearing glasses, and she was not eating pancakes at the time... although even the look on her face suggested that she would very much like to be, and would the second she was done with her current business.

"Who are you?" Mash asked, though she already knew the answer.

"President Pauline Bunyan, at your service, constituent!" Pauline replied with a grin. "If you'd like a handshake, it will only cost you a dollar, but framed photos are two dollars."

Mash blinked. "You didn't happen to kidnap Shirou, did you?"

Pauline blinked. "Who?"

"Shirou! My, um, associate. He would have been wearing red, his skin is dark brown, and his hair-"

"Oh, maybe you mean the assassin I caught earlier."

Mash stared at Pauline. "Shirou is not an Assassin."

"Darn right, he isn't! Nobody assassinates President Pauline Bunyan!" She thumped her desk with a fist, leaving a visible dent.

"Maybe I could see this would-be assassin, just to be safe?" Mash asked.

"That doesn't sound very safe for you to me, but I can't ignore a constituent's request." Pauline tapped the intercom on her desk. "Mousie buddies, please bring in the would-be assassin."

"What are-?" Mash began to ask, but then she got her answer.

Two mice in suits dragged in Shirou. He was tied up, gagged, and looked very afraid. The mice, despite being mice, were roughly between five and six feet tall, deceptively strong, and clearly served as Pauline's Secret Service. They dropped Shirou roughly on the floor, and then began eyeing Mash as if she, too, would require rough handling.

"How did the interrogation go?" Pauline asked.

"He won't crack, Big Boss," the first mouse said. "He still denies trying to kill you. Perhaps if we had more time to work on him...?"

"He's not an assassin!" Mash cried angrily, pulling Shirou to his feet. "If anything, you three are the ones with questionable identities! And you won't get away with bullying Shirou!"

"You seem quite confident of that," the second mouse replied, cracking her knuckles ominously. "Some might even call it a killer's confidence..."

Mash glared at her. "Oh, this is ending right now! BB, I need you!"

In a small explosion of black smoke, BB appeared, looking bored. "You called, Mash?"

"Yes! These three think they can-!"

"Oh, I see you've met the President."

Mash stopped. "YOU know her?"

"Of course. I voted for her." BB showed Mash a handsomely framed picture of herself shaking Pauline's hand, three dollars clearly well spent.

"Incidentally, Mash, you really shouldn't summon me to the Boval Office like that. If they didn't know me here already, they might incorrectly assume I was an assassin. Which I'm guessing is what happened to Shirou. Ladies, I can assure you, this man is on the level."

"He was heavily armed," the first mouse disagreed. "And he didn't have a guest pass."

"I'm aware, but he was uninformed. If you could overlook this one incident, I'm sure I could locate some cheese puffs-"

"Cheese?! Where?!" the mice demanded hungrily.

BB wordlessly produced a small jar of cheese puffs, and wisely moved aside as the mice pounced on it, tore it open, and devoured the contents in three seconds flat. While they were distracted, BB freed Shirou from his restraints.

"You got my text," Shirou sighed, leaning into Mash's embrace.

"Forget that, what happened?" Mash asked.

"I heard unfamiliar voices in the Conference Room, and I tried to investigate. These two mice jumped me before I could see anything." He glanced around the office. "Is the original Bunyan okay? I'm not sure how any of this impacts her, exactly."

"She's fine," BB assured him. "The President would never harm her."

"How can you be so sure?" Shirou asked, more curious than accusing.

"Many reasons, but the main one is that it would be counterproductive."

"If you're worried about her, I can bring her here for you," Pauline offered, and with that, she pressed her intercom again.

The original Bunyan appeared, mid-bite, still eating her breakfast. If she was at all bothered by the interruption, she showed it by stuffing the rest of her pancakes into her mouth and chewing rapidly.

"She's not hurt," Shirou admitted.

"Have you ever seen her hurt?" BB countered.

"No. Had to check, though. More importantly, how is she here? I thought Sitonai was the only Servant that could summon others."

"She wouldn't be much of a President if her orders could be ignored."

"How is the maple syrup today, Axewoman of Homeland Offense?" Pauline asked.

"Super yummy, Madame President!" Bunyan replied with a crisp salute.

"Excellent. I'll have some once I'm done here."

"So they're in cahoots," Mash guessed.

BB nodded. "If you mean is Bunyan in Pauline's Cabinet, then yes."

"And you couldn't have told us this earlier, because?"

BB smiled. "The look on your faces when you realized you were stuck in a situation entirely beyond your control. Bunyans have their perfect breakfast food, and I have mine."

Mash rolled her eyes. "I see. Thank you, BB. You can go now."

Surprisingly, BB did not leave, but instead turned to Pauline. "Do you need me for anything, Madame President?"

"No, but thank you for your timely assistance, Minister of Misinformation."

BB bowed slightly. "I live to serve. And see others suffer."

Mash gaped at her. "You-!"

BB sighed happily. "That's it. That's the look I crave. Ah, I feel stuffed now. Toodles." She vanished in another explosion of black smoke.

Mash groaned. "I suppose if BB's on board, the President must be official."

Shirou blinked. "I assume you actually mean 'there's officially nothing we can do about it with BB on her side,' yes?"

"Yes, that, too," Mash growled, not wanting to be reminded.

Pauline pouted. "That's not the sort of face I like to see on my constituents." She tapped her intercom. "Cookmaster General! We are in need of an emergency brunch!"

Emiya instantly appeared, wheeling a tray loaded down with pancakes. "I'm sure I've asked you several times not to do that," he complained.

"Then why are you cooperating with her?" Mash asked, though she did not exactly refuse the stack of pancakes that Emiya handed her.

"I don't have a choice. That intercom is rigged. When she summons Servants, it automatically forces them into her Cabinet, if there's a role for them to fill. I suspect BB gave it to her. That you don't know that means it hasn't happened to you, yet."

Pauline eyed Mash critically. "It's not a Cabinet role, but I don't have a press secretary yet..."

Mash thought for a moment. "Would that actually involve you keeping me in the know?"

"But of course! I can't have an uninformed press secretary!"

"Then sign me up."

"Wonderful! Mousie buddies, please add her to your clearance list."

"At once, Big Boss," said the second mouse. The first mouse, however, glared at Mash and asked, "Why do I smell cat on you?"

"They're foxes, not cats," Mash replied. "But they do live with me, so if that's a problem, don't ever go into my apartment."

"We really should background check these people before they're appointed," the first mouse muttered to the second mouse.

"No need, I'll do it for you from now on," Mash added quickly. "It'll be my job to know such things, right?"

The mice did not look satisfied, but then, Mash suspected they never did, unless they'd eaten cheese only seconds before.

Though it took only minutes to return to her apartment, Mash found that a large box addressed to her, from the Boval Office, had beaten her there. It contained, among other things: detailed profiles on every Cabinet member, a list of things she was expected to keep the rest of the complex updated on, a list of things she was NEVER to keep the complex updated on, and a blank profile she was meant to fill out and submit to the Boval Office within the day. With little choice if she wanted to be kept in the know, Mash started filling out the profile right away.

By lunchtime, she was still only halfway done. The profile was extremely in-depth. It even asked her three sizes. That made some sense, as she would need to dress the part, and assumed some clothing might be provided. However, it also asked for what her three sizes actually were. As if her having lied the first time was a given. Mash had not, so this was mildly insulting. But she decided she would rather fill out an insulting profile on her own time, instead of having the mice grill her for several hours on the job. And they could still do that, anyway.

Mash was so focused on the profile that she did not even realize lunch was being made, until Tama removed the profile, and Maki replaced it with a sandwich.

"You really shouldn't skip meals," Maki said sternly.

"I know, I know. But I need to get this done today," Mash sighed. Despite saying that, however, she tore into the sandwich at once.

"Then maybe you should have mentioned that we also have sections to fill out?" Tama suggested as she scanned the profile. "We could have been working on these already."

Mash swallowed hard. "Wait, what?!"

"You didn't notice?"

"No! Why would you even-?"

"I'm not sure what sort of press secretary you expect to be, if you miss glaring details like that," Sassy sighed as she walked in, dropping her completed portion of the profile on the table.

"Hey, when did you-?"

"My job is to keep an eye on you, and things happening around you. I miss nothing." Sassy smirked. "I can fill out everything else for you, but know that my answers will all be brutally honest."

"That's as close as she gets to nice," Tama assured Mash. "I'd take her up on it, if you're feeling overwhelmed at all."

Mash frowned. "Are you going to let her fill out your sections? Why would there even be sections for you guys?"

"Two reasons," Sassy interrupted before Tama could reply. "First, we are your pets, and so we might need to be mentioned in your official press releases, in an attempt to make you seem more human. Second, we are your unofficial security team. Though I expect your Boval Office will now consider us quite official."

"That does make sense," Mash admitted. "I didn't think about any of that."

"I did," Sassy added, sounding as condescending as she possibly could.

"Well, I'd much rather have you three than the mice. And if you being here keeps them away, even better. I've got enough uninvited guests as it is."

"And on the subject of uninvited guests," Sassy said, glancing at the window, "Tama, a barrier, if you wouldn't mind."

With a wave of her hand, Tama erected a visible magical barrier outside of the window. An instant later, a gigantic blade slammed into the barrier, which held up nicely.

"What is that?!" Mash cried.

"If I had to guess, Bunyan's axe," Sassy replied, adjusting her glasses. "And, being a master of modern weaponry? I'm not guessing at all. It is Bunyan's axe, no question about it."

"But Bunyan wouldn't attack us! At least, we gave her no reason to..."

"She is a Berser-girl. Perhaps she needs no reason. But she should learn what can happen, if she goes around throwing weapons." Sassy narrowed her eyes. "By right of Territory Creation, it's in our territory, so it belongs to us now."

"You are NOT keeping a giant axe in here-" Mash began.

"Of course not. I am keeping a regular-sized axe here." Sassy opened the window, reached through the barrier, and touched the blade. The axe shrank down to normal size at once, and Sassy pulled it inside and shut the window.

Moments later, a giant eyeball blocked the window. "Oh, I knew it! You guys are all still alive! Great!"

"Bunyan!" Mash shouted. "Why did you attack us?!"

"I wasn't attacking you, I was testing you. And I had to. Orders and all that."

"Pauline ordered you to do this?"

"No, the Mousie Buddies did. They said the press secretary needs qualified security in place, so yours needed to be tested. But it looks like I can tell them you guys are fine, so that's good! Oh, but, can I have my axe back now?"

"Your axe?" Sassy asked. "I don't see any axe belonging to you." She took a few practice swings with the axe. "I see my brand new axe. See how it's a perfect size for me? No way it could possibly be the giant axe you threw at us."

Bunyan blinked. "Hmm. Well, okay. Maybe I lost it somewhere..." The eyeball moved away.

"You aren't really going to keep her axe?" Mash asked Sassy. "What if the magic wears off, and it reverts to the original size?"

Sassy stared at her coldly. "Are you implying that my magic would... wear off?"

Tama winced. "Master, that accusation would be deeply insulting for any of us."

Mash was startled. "But it wasn't an accusation!"

"The very implication feels like one. Which is the point."

"Okay, I'm sorry, Sassy. What if... some other Servant's magic interacts badly with yours, and the axe somehow reverts to its original size as a result?"

Sassy sighed. "If you are so worried, I can store the axe in a pocket dimension."

"And you would go to all that trouble, instead of simply returning it to Bunyan, because...?"

"I'd rather not have it thrown at us again, in case someone proposes another test. We would not be much of a security team, if measures taken against us were not immediately nullified to prevent future attempts of the same type."

Mash was saved the trouble of finding a response to that when she received a text on her phone. "Huh. It would seem that the Secret Service agrees with you, Sassy. You three are hereby appointed Agents 3 through 5. They haven't specified which number goes to who, though."

Sassy shrugged. "I suspect it doesn't matter much to them."

Mash immediately appreciated being the press secretary, as it meant she was the only person that got even five minutes advance notice that Pauline was now the elected Boss of Team Alter Ego (or as Pauline insisted on calling it, the Commander in Chief). Though, Mash had to assume BB also knew beforehand, if for no other reason than BB, as the acting Extra Boss, was no longer responsible for the Alter Egos, which significantly reduced her workload.

Thankfully, Pauline insisted on there being no changes to the Boss meetings despite her importance. But Mash later discovered this was because Pauline had already arranged for transport: instead of using the elevator to reach the Conference Room, like everyone else, she simply had Bunyan lift her and her Secret Service Agents there by hand. As a sign of appreciation, Shirou arranged to have the Boval Office permanently added to the Conference Room, and renamed it the President Pauline Bunyan Super Conference Room. He was given a free framed handshake photo for his efforts.

BB turned out to be very involved in Pauline's Cabinet. Not only did she personally setup Pauline's website, BB also added a computer to each floor of the apartment, so Servants could visit the website and leave comments on the message board for Pauline to respond to. There was also a posted schedule of public appearances that Pauline would make, though Mash had access to an unedited schedule, along with reasoning for certain events. Jack the Ripper was invited to all appearances, more as a way to keep the Assassins under close watch and satisfied than anything else.

Da Vinci went to bed with a beautiful smile on her face. All of her smiles were beautiful, of course, but this one was especially so.

It was a smile that signified that a scheme which she had poured much effort into was finally being realized, and no one could stop it.

And in the end, it would mean more trouble for Mash, which was always a plus.

There was just one problem that Da Vinci had failed to take into account: being a threat to the press secretary, made her an enemy of the state. So if Mash did decide to counter one of Da Vinci's schemes, under the right circumstances, Mash could do so with much of the weight of the Boval Office behind her. But Mash wasn't prepared to go that far, yet. Still, she was not going to let a chance to ruin one of Da Vinci's schemes pass by.

Sitonai was rudely awakened at an ungodly hour by someone nibbling on her neck. As she was not currently in an intimate relationship with anyone, and her polar bear would not let a random person into her bedroom, this limited the likely suspects to only one. "Chloe, unless you want those teeth knocked out, come back when I'm fully awake and actually ASK if you can have some mana, you leech."

Chloe stopped nibbling. "That's not what I'm doing, this time. I was trying to wake you up so I can ask you something, and it's time sensitive, so I couldn't wait."

Sitonai glared at her. "This better be good."

"Mash texted me a few minutes ago and asked for a favor. But I'm not sure it's legal, and I don't want to have to deal with you in case it's not."

Sitonai blinked. "Show me the text."

Chloe handed over her phone.

Sitonai held the phone very close to her face, still only half awake. "It seems like she's asking you to kidnap the next Servant to be summoned in a few hours."

"Yes, and given their age, I thought this might be a little dicey."

"So long as you're not planning anything worse than kidnapping, and you intend to let her go within a day, I have no objections." Sitonai handed the phone back. "That is, provided you leave me alone now so I can go back to sleep."

"What if we cuddle and you go back to sleep, and then when we wake up in the morning, I can borrow some mana-"

Sitonai threw a pillow at Chloe. "Whatever! Just shut up NOW so I can sleep! And if you steal my blanket, I will kill you!"

"Love you, too, sis," Chloe murmured, pecking Sitonai's cheek and getting a kick to the arm in response.

Next Chapter: Deaux Vinci
Da Vinci Ruler arrives. And is kidnapped before her senior can formally adopt her. Which may actually be a good thing.

Endnotes:

Finally found the time (and Leylines) to finish Olympus. Kinda wish there had been a free Greek Servant as a prize, but I say that as someone who doesn't have Achilles or Chiron, and I wouldn't say no to an NP upgrade for the ones I do have.

Servant Spotlight! Presidential Edition

Name: President Pauline Bunyan
Nicknames: OBunyan, Pancake Prez
Party: American Altered Egoists (Apartment President, Team Alter Ego Commander in Chief)

Equipment:
Big Red Button: A
A button on an intercom. When pushed, it summons a Servant, who is drafted into Pauline's Cabinet, if there is an appropriate role for them to fill.

Ox Force One: B
Babe the Blue Ox is now, mysteriously, Babe the Blue Rocketship. Despite being entirely inappropriate for everyday travel, Pauline rides in nothing else. Equipped with a full service emergency pancake serving station.

Skills:
Presidential Order: A
When Pauline makes decrees, they tend to get obeyed.

Security Clearance: A+
Empowers Daikokuten to act as Secret Service instead of maids. This limits them to only two bodies, but gives them a Bunyan-like boost in power, making them very formidable. Additionally, their Class is changed to Classified, removing all known disadvantages.

Noble Phantasm:
Bunyanomics: EX
It's not clear what she's immune to, or what's effective against her. And in the interest of national security? It's going to stay that way.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Paul Bunyan.
Least Favorite Servant: Assassins.
Partner in Crime: Daikokuten.
Hobbies: Addressing constituents, handshaking, posing for pictures.
Personal Quote: Hello, constituents! President Pauline Bunyan, at your service! Who would like a handshake?

Name: Daikokuten
Nicknames: Mousie Buddies, Agents 1 and 2, Koku and Kuko
Class: Classified (Secret Service Agents)

Skills:
Ways of Making You Talk: A
They are interrogation experts. One of them takes notes, and the other takes liberties, painfully. Then they switch so no one gets tired. Except their victims.

Banner Bond: B
It seems their extreme devotion to Pauline Bunyan is because they shared a summoning banner where she was the featured 5 Star Servant. It also didn't hurt that she chose them to be her Secret Service, rather than seeking out anyone more qualified.

Noble Phantasm:
For Boss and Country: A
They are not concerned with laws, only with their Boss's safety. A safe Boss means a safe country. Anything that ensures that, is legal.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Pauline Bunyan.
Least Favorite Servant: Assassins.
Partner in Crime: Each other.
Hobbies: Protecting, brutalizing, escorting.
Personal Quote: If you even look at Big Boss funny, it'll be the last thing you ever do...

Call Signs:
President: Big Boss
Axewoman of Homeland Defense: Axe Boss
Minister of Misinformation: Intel Boss
Cookmaster General: Food Boss
Ox Force One: Ox Boss
Press Secretary: Press Boss