Chapter Eight: Nothing to Fear

On Monday, Angela woke up feeling awful, almost hung over, though she had had nothing to drink. The travel, the chores, and the shopping had worn her down physically, but the mental strain was much worse. It was more than learning to navigate an unfamiliar town, meeting new people all along the way. She thought she had been ready to step into a new identity. Every interaction was a test. Was it really healthy to immerse herself in Jess, even at home with her family? What was going to happen to the real Angela? She was already worried about the kids growing up with artificial versions of their parents, and after last night's conversation with her mother, she worried that they wouldn't even truly know themselves.

Tony had seemed to be doing fine in the new setting. Better than fine, he was confident and in command. In the motel, he had been sad, anxious, and reluctant to play the role of her partner. Once they got into the house, he was cheerful and handsy. He controlled their supply of cash without even asking her opinion. He even decided who would drive which car, though his verdict did make the most sense, and her mother had immediately defied him.

She had had a moment of weakness when Bobby promised Jess that they would be happy. His strength was so alluring, but when she told him that she was glad she had chosen him, he began to cry. He said something about how she could have done better if she had broken up with him and gone away to college. She could barely make out his words through his sobs, and she wished they were back in the motel where they had talked more freely. It was too much to even think about being back in Fairfield with her best friend. How could she miss Tony this much when he was sleeping beside her every night?

Although he was technically within reach of Angela, Tony felt similarly lonely and wretched. He had kept to his side of the mattress and delayed starting the day, hoping sleep would reclaim him. He had made a fool of himself the night before. Angela listened and attempted to comfort him, but he felt horrible about bringing such chaos into her life. Actually, it was worse than that. She no longer had her life at all. And poor Jonathan. He couldn't even see Michael, now that Tony had usurped his role. Mona, in typical fashion, had been showing her resentment, and he couldn't blame her. At least she shared some culpability for her involvement with Nick.

For Sam, this was round two of leaving everything she had ever known. It was also another step down the path of erasing her mother. They had to find a way to hold onto the past without compromising the future. He opened his eyes.

"How are you doing?" Angela asked. She had been watching him struggle to wake, or to avoid it.

"Not great, Jess," he responded.

"It's me," she said, moving closer.

"It's you?" he asked, meeting her halfway.

"Yeah, it's me. Not her," she said, putting her hand on the center of his chest.

"Oh, thank God. It's me, too," he said, holding her hand tight enough against him for her to feel his heartbeat. It was an incredible relief for Tony to know that he was talking to Angela.

"I missed you," she confessed, hoping he understood.

"I'm here. I've been here the whole time," he said, releasing her. She pulled back slightly, fingertips dancing across his t-shirt.

"It doesn't feel like it," she told him softly. Then she grasped his bicep and spoke with more zeal. "I want to make something clear. When I said I chose the right man, I meant it. Me. I meant it. About you," she said.

Tony took a moment to think past the fuzziness of last night's breakdown. Angela was trying to tell him something important. That she didn't regret choosing him. Maybe even that she didn't regret coming into hiding with him. He had some truth of his own to impart.

"I have something to tell you, too. Yesterday, on the couch, that was me," he said.

Angela wasn't getting it. He could tell by her confused expression.

"In the laundry room, that was him and her. But on the couch, it was me and you," he said.

"Oh." Tony had said he wanted to make her happy. She had known that on some level, but the way he said it was different than her understanding. More. Deeper. Beyond. And was he trying to tell her that he had kissed her, as well?

He sat up, and she mirrored him. Was the conversation over? She looked into his eyes for a clue. And then he leaned forward and kissed her tentatively. It wasn't one of the confident Bobby-and-Jess kisses he had been performing. This was a Tony-and-Angela kiss. She reciprocated with intent, basking in the sensation. Before long, she was wrapping her arms around him and pulling him on top of her. He kissed her in a more leisurely manner, and she supposed they had all the time in the world. They slid their tongues against each other, and she nibbled at his bottom lip. For a second their teeth clashed lightly, before they regained their coordination. It was as deep and passionate a kiss as she had ever had, and she realized a little late that she had her legs wrapped around him.

"Sorry," she said, pulling back. "I got carried away."

"We can, you know," Tony reminded her.

"Not yet," she said. He rolled off her, not bothering to hide the bulge in his pants, which she must have already felt. He had to admit that she was right. If not for Bobby and Jess, Tony and Angela wouldn't be thinking seriously about making love.

x

Later that morning, the whole family piled into the Volvo and went to the library. Each person got a library card and checked out a few books. They were pleased to find movies, music, and games in the collection, as well, though the few VCRs were checked out. Mona borrowed several cassettes, including Oingo Boingo's Nothing to Fear, to Tony and Angela's dismay. She had to admit to one flaw of the Mustang: no tape player.

There was a display of taxidermized local wildlife in the lobby, and Jonathan was fascinated. Another young boy approached him. "Do you think it looks like the cartoon?" he asked.

"Not really," Jonathan responded. "Road Runner is blue and purple. These just look like regular birds with long legs and a long tail."

"Well, they both have those funny feathers on their heads." The kid stuck his hand out like a businessman. "Nice to meet you. I'm Seth. I'm eight-and-a-half."

Jonathan gave Seth a firm handshake. "I'm Chris. I'll be nine next week. We just moved here."

Tony and Angela observed from the checkout desk. Mona and Sam had already gone outside to watch boys skateboard in the nearly empty parking lot. "He's making a friend!" Angela said, grabbing Tony's arm excitedly.

"That's my boy!" He picked up the stack of borrowed items and thanked the librarian. "Chris," he called. "We're ready to go."

"Those are my parents," Jonathan explained.

"Do you want to come over and see my lizards?" Seth asked.

"Seth!" a middle-aged blonde woman called out as she hurried to them. "What have I told you about inviting people over?"

"You have to meet their parents first," Seth parroted. "Chris' parents are right here," he said, pointing to Tony and Angela.

"Hello, I'm Jess Moretti, and this is my husband, Bobby. We just moved into the neighborhood. I see our boys have already met."

"Sheila Woodman. I'd be happy to have you and Chris over later this week."

The two mothers exchanged information and agreed to have the kids get together on Friday. Then the family proceeded to the mall with their paltry twenty dollars apiece to spend on presents. Angela stayed in Jess mode and bought her mom a necklace, Jen a U2 poster, Chris a set of brainteaser puzzles, and Bobby a pair of swim trunks.

Like Angela, Tony had shopped as Bobby, though neither of them would have been able to articulate the effect of the mental switch. He bought Cassie a scarf, Chris a soccer ball and mini goal, Jen a set of nail polishes, and Jess a silver rope chain bracelet. He couldn't wait until he had earned a few paychecks and was able to treat his family to better things. A little money had been set aside for Chris' ninth birthday. They'd be able to shop the post-holiday sales for him, but he'd probably be happier with pizza and an hour at the arcade.

Mona agreed to supervise the kids through the unfamiliar mall, though Angela took Sam aside to say she was really in charge. Other than calling both parents Mom and Dad, neither child saw Jess and Bobby as any different from Angela and Tony. They knew the couple's relationship had changed superficially, but they understood it as necessary to their collective wellbeing.

Sam bought Angela a miniature perfume, Tony a page-a-day cartoon calendar, and Jonathan a pair of snake socks that made it look like his legs were being swallowed whole. Jonathan bought Tony a Cleveland Browns hat and Angela a World's Best Mom mug, in keeping with their bid to hide in plain sight. He picked a quarter from his change and handed over the rest to Sam. While Jonathan bought a trinket from the bank of candy and toy dispensers, with Mona in tow, Sam went back to the previous shop and purchased a beautiful glass tray that had been discounted to twelve dollars due to a scratch on the underside. She had agreed to forego a lame sibling gift so they could afford something nice for their new caregiver.

When Mona and the kids arrived at the fountain by the movie theatre at noon, Tony and Angela were already there, standing hand-in-hand. The family needed to go home for lunch. Not even the most frugal takeout option was in the budget. "Would you rather have one hamburger or the Christmas tree?" Tony asked Sam. She had to concede that it was the right decision.

After eating homemade sandwiches, the kids went to their rooms to read for a while. Mona took the Mustang back out to do her own shopping. Tony wrapped gifts, then went for a run, while Angela flipped through their junk mail, then cleaned the kitchen. She was cognizant that Tony was under no obligation to do the bulk of the household chores, despite having a comparative advantage over every other member of the family. Bobby was about to become the breadwinner, and Jess would be the primary parent, despite having a fulltime job herself. She could already tell her mother was itching for freedom. Cassie didn't have Mona's red hair, but she still had the fiery personality.

Tony was missing his workouts. He had done dozens, sometimes hundreds, of pushups every day in the motel and led the kids in calisthenics a few times a week. Now that they were settled, he was free to learn the neighborhood. His overwhelming impression was that Mesa was boring. Even Fairfield had been more exciting than this. He cut the run short after two miles or so, pledging to find some heavy things to lift at home. The children would do, in a pinch.

When the front door opened, Jess was already on duty. She automatically filled a glass of water and offered it to her husband. This was a normal, everyday occurrence, she decided. Bobby jogged. She openly scrutinized his physique for clues as to what other habits he had, as though she hadn't been living with the man. He had been sweating out in the cold but continued to perspire from the sudden temperature change. "See something you like?" he asked, finishing the glass of water in one gulp and setting it behind her on the counter.

"You look hot, Bobby," she said. He was standing almost too close to view, but she didn't let it stop her.

"Oh yeah? How about now?" he asked, stripping off his shirt and resting it around his shoulders. After that morning's makeout session, he knew he was playing a dangerous game.

"Still hot," she said. "I think you need to shower," she said in a low voice, running her hands down his abs.

"Definitely," he replied. He could deal with the consequences later.

"Why don't I help you?" she offered, grabbing the shirt in both hands and using it to pull him closer. He held the edge of the counter and kissed her greedily, earning a deep moan. When she licked the salty skin of his neck, he felt himself respond physically. Ready to take things upstairs, he opened his eyes.

Sam was standing ten feet away with her jaw hanging open.