Summary: The Fake AH Crew sits down to plot their final attempt to pull off a successful heist, only to realize that their success hinges on one of their own's ability to not fuck shit up.
Chapter 23
To say the heist room was tense was an understatement. That would be like saying Antarctica is a bit nippy or Los Santos has a miniscule crime problem. All six of the Fake AH Crew were there as usual, plus Dan, Gavin's cohort for the Slow Mo Guys, standing guard at the door. All of them were relaxed and joking to the untrained eye, but they were actors playing a part. Yes they had to maintain their calm, collected, mischievous selves but inside they were stretched thin and they were all looking to Geoff for some kind of miracle. This was their last shot. Their honest to God last hope.
This had to work. Geoff had put six long weeks into this plan, longer than any of the other plans he had come up with. He had pulled aspects from every job they had done in the past months and mashed them together to create what he hoped was the ultimate crime.
Geoff sighed and set both hands down on the table, bracing himself over the map.
"All right…six heists, six varying degrees of success, about sixty thousand varying degrees of failure." He glanced up at the Crew who for once were listening well. "We've learned a lot and now I think it's time for a group heist."
Not that they had another choice.
"What's our total take," Gavin asked. They had seen the money in Matt's office and had a rough estimate from that encounter, but they had gotten the real numbers now.
"Our total take?" Geoff asked. "I don't have the numbers on me right now."
"I checked with the accountant," Ryan said helpfully. "I think we are somewhere in the vicinity of minus five hundred thousand dollars."
Well no wonder Matt was pissed.
"That's not good," Gavin said unnecessarily.
"That's fine because this is going to make up for it," Geoff said confidently. He didn't like the doubtful silence.
"We've all contributed elements to this heist," Geoff continued, "It's our grand heist."
"Iron," Michael said.
Geoff looked up at him in confusion. Michael's face was blank and he cleared his throat nervously. "My favorite element." He was trying so hard to pull the joke off but it wasn't going well. Geoff tried not to throw the map at him and instead threw him a bone.
"That's your favorite element?"
Michael nodded.
"That's good to know," Geoff said flatly. "That'll definitely come in handy in this heist," he said. He went for light and joking but it came out bitter and sarcastic. He was rewarded though as most of the Crew cracked small smiles.
Geoff opened his mouth to continue but Ryan chose that moment to chime in with "It rusts easy. Might be bad."
Everyone looked back at Geoff who sighed and pursed his lips. "God damn," he said exasperatedly. He just wanted to get through the plan. Jokes were fine, but they could wait.
"Is rust an element?" Michael asked before Geoff could attempt to speak again.
"It's oxidized iron," Ryan replied.
Gavin and Jack were looking between the two and Geoff nervously. Geoff waited until he had a moment of silence, his face getting more and more angry.
"You can do this," Jack said quietly to Geoff, encouraging him not to lose his temper. Geoff glared once more and started again.
"I'm gonna run through this once just to make sure we're all on the same page," he said. "The first thing we're gonna do—" Ray started to say something with the iron/rust conversation but Geoff's patience snapped and he shouted over Ray. "—is shut the fuck up!"
"Alright…" Ray said uncertainly.
Gavin began to laugh, as did Michael. Geoff sighed and managed to crack a small smile. The tension in the room eased. Yes they were all idiots, but some things never changed. The Crew would always banter. Geoff would always shout over them to keep them on track, Gavin would always laugh no matter what, Michael would always have some smart remark, Jack would always hang back until he sensed Geoff was breaking, and Ryan would always never know when to quit...or stop being crazy, but that was unrelated to this scenario.
Geoff started again. "Second thing we're going to do is get dressed in heist attire. Now I've been reviewing our reports," he said gesturing to a thick wad of paper to his left. "I've been looking at the past jobs that have been successful. Those were only one- or two-man jobs, but they always had cool uniforms like a boiler suit so we're gonna dress up in red. That's gonna put us in the right mindset to do this."
There was a rustling sound at the door and Geoff broke off as the locked doorknob jiggled, causing them all to jump.
"Woah woah woah, security!" Michael exclaimed, gesturing at Dan to check the door. Dan gripped his gun and peeked behind the shade. The others waited to see who it was. One reason Geoff had posted Dan was because he was not entirely convinced that Matt would let them walk out into this last job. He was especially concerned for Ray who apparently had mouthed off a bit in his absence. Dan wouldn't stop Burnie, but maybe they'd have time to react and get past him.
"I'm watching out. It's all right," Dan said finally.
Geoff shook himself and returned to the plan. "Alright so we're gonna have two teams. The first team is going to get a vehicle and get prepped to pull off—potentially pull off four separate jobs. In a perfect world, it's gonna be four. We're gonna need a sniper rifle and some sticky bombs, I'll explain that in a second."
"Why doesn't he say we're gonna need a Ray and some Ryan," Ryan muttered to Ray who grinned.
"The second team, Team Jack," Geoff pointed at Jack who saluted, "is going to be responsible for getting a cargobob."
"Who's on Team Jack?" Jack asked suspiciously.
"It's gonna be you, Michael aaaaaaand…" Geoff trailed off looking between Gavin and ray, having not considered this part quite yet. "Ray…no Gavin!"
The door knob shook again, distracting them all from Jack's less than pleased reaction. It shook more forcefully this time and Dan crossed to the window to look into the hall.
"They're trying to get in!" Michael said angrily.
"Come on!" Ryan yelled.
"Come on security," Jack said. "Who is it?"
Dan opened the door and peered out but again he saw no one. That bothered Geoff more than he'd admit.
"False alarm," Dan said, resuming his position but no sooner had he said that then they all heard footsteps outside the door.
"Was it Burnie or Matt?" Geoff asked bluntly and the Crew all tensed.
"It's the police," Dan said almost in relief. "They don't know what's going on so it's fine. Nothing suspicious."
Geoff breathed again. Cops were in and out all the time, particularly the ones on the Syndicate's take. He hated them, but they were always going into the wrong offices and rooms and they were nothing to worry about compared to Matt and Burnie.
"Team Jack—" the door knob shook but Geoff grit his teeth and soldiered on. Dan stepped outside the door and there was a tense moment where they waited for him to come back in, covered in blood. After a minute he hadn't returned at all and Geoff could just make him out standing guard outside the door now.
Geoff plowed ahead with the plan. "Team Jack is going to be responsible for getting a cargobob, two random cars—I don't care whatever the fuck they are—and Michael this is where you're going to come in handy. Being from Jersey, you have connections to heavy weaponry."
"Yeah," Michael replied.
"So you're gonna get a tank," Geoff instructed Michael. "You get a cargobob," he said to Jack. "Do you remember where we did the cop block job? You're gonna pick up his tank and put it on the roof by the ladder.
"Then you and you—" Geoff pointed at Gavin and Michael—"are gonna get two big box trucks. Any kind of trucks."
"What's this team called?" Gavin asked.
"Your Tem Jack," Geoff reminded him.
"He already said that!" Michael snapped.
"He swapped out Ray," Jack added.
"Oh Christ alive," Gavin muttered. He hadn't been listening to the Team Jack plan.
"The other portion of the heist is a little too sensitive for you, no offense," Geoff explained to Gavin, not caring whether Gavin was offended or not. "So you're going to get the two big trucks. What you're gonna do is come over here on the north facing exit to this alley and you're gonna block it off, just like we did in the first heist. The other one is gonna go right here next to it ready to pull in. We're gonna create a death funnel. Park it there, babysit those vehicles."
"Death funnel," Ryan said aloud with a grin. That was a name and a concept he could get behind.
"It's our slipknot cover band name," Ray said enthusiastically.
Geoff rolled his eyes and tried not to face palm. "Well maybe with our winnings we can start our Slipknot cover band. We'll be able to buy the equipment. Alright—."
"We get to wear masks!" Ray said excitedly to Ryan, ignoring Geoff.
Ryan's entire face lit up behind the skull mask he was already wearing.
"We have to," Geff said patiently, which made them shut up. Overly patient Geoff was scary Geoff. "Speaking of which we're gonna go by real fast after we dress up and we're gonna get masks."
"Theme?" Michael asked.
"America," Geoff replied instantly. "This is going to be the ultimate American heist. There's gonna be so many fucking explosions—."
"We invented explosions," Gavin interrupted. "The British did."
"Pretty sure that was the Chinese," Ryan said in a patronizing tone. "You know, gunpowder, fireworks.
"Totally us," Gavin insisted.
"Did you have some Chinese make it for you?"Ray asked sarcastically.
"We're getting off track again!" Geoff snapped. He fixed Gavin with a withering look. "And just because you ordered it doesn't mean you invented it."
The others laughed and Geoff continued. "Then we're going to get in the vehicle and we're going to pull up right here." He indicated a high price shop on his map marked with a star. "I did some research and there's some serious money in these four stores," he pointed out the four stars on the map and they fixed the locations in their mind.
"How many stores?" Gavin asked with a sly grin.
Geoff glared up at him suspiciously. He was going to make a stupid joke. Gavin always did that before making a dumb joke. "Four."
"Four stores and seven years ago?" Gavin said with a grin.
There was a moment of silence and then Michael snorted. Ray laughed and even Ryan managed an exasperated chuckle.
"Booooooo," Jack said glaring at Gavin.
Geoff didn't even dignify Gavin with a response. "The thing about these stores—cash registers are fucking cement. We need sticky bombs to blow them open, but you can't bring sticky bombs into a store."
"Metal detectors are a bitch," Ryan complained to some weird looks.
Geoff nodded in agreement. "So I'll be the driver. Ryan, you're gonna be the door man. You're gonna hold the door open. Ray across the street, sniper rifle, kills the clerk, then you go in with the sticky bomb. Blow the cash register, grab the money, and we move on to the next store."
Ryan grinned evilly. "I like it." Ray nodded beside him.
"We do this until we get cops in pursuit," Geoff said. "If we get to all four without cops, great, but I don't think we will. When we attract cops, we beg off and we just take the take that we get.
"Then we're gonna come around here," he traced the route on the map, "and we're going to pull into the alley and let the cops follow us. Once the cops follow us into the alley, Gavin shuts the door with the big truck." Geoff made a large sweeping motion with his hand while he spoke, not noticing Ryan mocking him. Geoff frequently spoke with his hands, something that the others joked him for quite often. "Then, Jack is going to pick up those two random cars that are up there, which Team Jack has already planted sticky bombs all over. He's then going to drop them into the alley where we'll detonate them and decimate the police. We all get into the cargobob except for Michael who is in the tank—"
Geoff broke off and glared at Gavin who had raised his hand five sentences ago. "Yes?"
"When I block the alley, do I then go up on the roof?" Gavin asked.
"Yes please do," Geoff replied.
"Oh also," Ryan piped up, "While we're setting the targets, maybe you should have two separate people do the two different cars."
"Yeah one person each," Jack agreed. "You'll do one, you'll do one," he said, pointing between Gavin and Michael.
"We'll work it out on the roof," Geoff said. "Alright, then the five of us get into the cargobob, Michael, you get into the tank. At this point we will have killed the ground forces but helicopters are gonna be en route. I doubt we're gonna get away without having that, but they are never gonna see this coming."
Geoff suddenly got a mad frenzied gleam in his eye and despite the pressure they faced, the Crew knew they were in for another crazy idea and another crazy job. (As if that weren't obvious already.)
Geoff turned to Jack. "Pick up the tank with the cargobob and we create a flying missile the likes of which Los Santos has never seen."
Out in the hallway, Dan face-palmed so hard that they heard it in the heist room.
There was a beat of silence before Michael asked the burning question. "Do we know if a cargobob can support a tank?"
"Uuuuhhhhh…"Geoff thought about it. Hadn't they tested that once? Screw it, time to go for broke. "Yes."
"Probably," Jack said. Didn't they pick up a tank once…and blow up? Why did that seem familiar to everyone?
"Also I feel like I shouldn't have to say this," Ryan said, confused as to why he too seemed to recall a tank blowing up with all of them inside shortly after it fell on Gavin's head, "but just as general reminder: it's very important that the tank stay on the roof and not on top of Gavin."
"Interesting, interesting," Gavin said. Someone had dropped a tank on him…right?
"So don't drive off the roof," Michael confirmed. Hadn't he done this before?
"Yes that is an excellent point," Geoff agreed.
"Easier to pick up off the roof," Jack added.
"Exactly."
They all frowned for a moment, simultaneously recalling an incident where a tank was dropped on Gavin's head, picked up by Jack in a cargobob, and then blown up with all of them inside. But how could that be possible?
Maybe that happened in one of the Achievement Hunter Let's Plays…
"Anyway, at this point, we are unkillable," Geoff said, returning to the plan. "But you can't make a getaway in a helicopter. It doesn't have the range or the speed. So we're gonna head down right here," Geoff pointed at the far northeastern corner of the city map, "to the airport where we are gonna pick up a Titan."
"Hey, you drew it!" Michael said excitedly, looking at the rough sketch of a Titan Geoff had scrawled on the map. "It looks kinda like a penis."
"It's a dick with wings," Geoff agreed.
"It looks like the meanest dildo ever," Ryan said dryly.
"It goes in but it doesn't come out," Geoff retorted. "Anyway, Michael is gonna be on the ground in the tank providing cover fire after we jump out and hop in. Then we fly—" Geoff glanced at Jack "and I'm gonna rely on your expertise for this—do you guys remember where we tested once to see if you could land a plane on the side of a mountain?"
The other nodded, except Jack who broke out into a suddenly nervous sweat.
"We did that for a reason. That reason is this," Geoff said. "Then we're gonna fly up to Mount Chiliad and we're gonna land the plane on the mountain."
Jack took a deep breath and set his hand down on the table by the map. Geoff instantly looked at Jack and waited for him to speak.
"I hate to be the one to say this," Jack said gently. "Believe me."
Geoff and the others looked at Jack in surprise. He had never sounded so defeated before. That wasn't his style.
"I never landed my plane on the mountain."
Out of the corner of his eye, Ray saw Gavin break out into a slow grin. Then Ray remembered. Oh no…OH NO!
Geoff didn't notice and he frowned at Jack. "Yeah you did." Geoff had seen him. Or someone anyway. Who else could it have been if not Jack?
"No I didn't," Jack said. Geoff and the others watched as he slowly moved his hand and pointed at the person next to him who was smiling cockily.
"Gavin did."
And just like that they all remember Gavin's squawks of excitement and Jack's shouted curses. Jack was right. Gavin had summoned flying skills they didn't know he had and had successfully landed on a mountain multiple times when no one else had.
"Jack did kind of blow up," Ryan said.
"Fuck," added Michael.
Geoff didn't even bother disguising his horror as Jack said "We might need Gavin for this one."
Gavin took the opportunity to hop onto the table and pose mock-seductively in front of Geoff. "The answer's right here Geoff," he said, waving his hand across himself and grinning.
Geoff hung his head and let out a sigh. "If that's the answer, I hate the question."
Geoff winced and Gavin jumped down to take a seat at Geoff's side. Geoff glanced sideways at the younger man and gave him a piercing look. "Do you think you can do it?" Because we don't have time to dick around, he didn't add out loud.
"Absolutely I can do it," Gavin said confidently, but seriously.
"So Gavin lands us on Mount Chiliad," Jack prompted when Geoff didn't say anything. Damn he hated that sentence. "Then what?"
"There's parachutes on board, right?" Ryan asked.
"Parachutes are too visible," Geoff pointed out.
"Just to be clear, fiery explosions are very visible too," Ryan replied.
None of them had confidence in Gavin's abilities, even as he narrated his landing plan. If anything, Gavin's confidence made them more nervous. But he had done it. They didn't have a whole lot of choice.
Geoff sighed again. He had to trust Gavin. Really, would he have kept Gavin around this long if there was no way to trust him? Gavin had done it once. Geoff and the rest had to have faith he'd do it again. If he didn't they were all dead either way.
"We're gonna put our faith in Gavin that he is not going to blow us up," Geoff finally said.
Everyone exchanged looks and they realized what Geoff was getting at. Not only didn't they have choices, but they really only had each other in this final job. Whether or not the plane crashed wouldn't matter in the end. They either crashed and survived to be killed by Burnie, crashed and died, or landed and succeeded and lived.
"Ok," Ryan said.
"So we're gonna land on Mount Chiliad," Geoff said, "we're gonna get out, and we're gonna start our cover band."
"Death Funnel," Ray tacked on at the end.
"Sounds good," Jack said.
"All right…" Geoff said and the tension returned. "Let's go."
The others got to their feet and filed out the door, except for Michael who stayed sat at the table, hand on his mouth, thinking hard. He was reviewing the plan, weighing the pros and cons, and making sure he knew what to expect. Unlike the last time he was left alone, there were no plans for betrayal in his mind.
Ryan walked back into the room.
"Whenever I leave you alone in a room, I almost die in a fiery explosion so…" he jerked his thumb behind him to usher Michael out the door.
"To be fair you always almost die in a fiery explosion anyway," Michael pointed out. "But I see your point."
Michael hopped off his stool and followed Ryan back out of the room. As they hit the streets, Michael wondered how Ryan would react if he pretended to shoot him in the back as a joke.
Nah. He had shit to live for.
Geoff arrived home that night with the weight of his uncertain future heavy on his shoulders. This was their last ditch effort, Burnie and Matt had made that clear. If they failed in anyway, they would be bumped off and that was the end of it. He was halfway to his front door when he stopped and looked at his house. He could hear a chainsaw running so he knew Griffon was in the workshop. A light was on in Millie's room so she was either doing homework or, more likely, sneakily watching Achievement Hunter videos. He wanted to freeze the moment where he looked at his safe comfortable house and his safe comfortable family because God knows if it would be here after this job.
Sighing heavily he went inside, hearing the muffled sound of Michael's voice yelling from upstairs. He couldn't help but smile. His daughter had taste at least. "I'm home!" he shouted. "Stop watching our videos Millie!"
"Hi Dad!" she shouted back, not even attempting to deny anything. Geoff smiled and shook his head. If the worst his daughter did was secretly watch Achievement Hunter, he could count himself as a lucky man.
Chuckling in spite of his black thoughts, he unloaded the weapons on his person and locked them up in the gun safe hidden in the pantry behind a set of shelves. He then tucked his ammo into the separate ammo safe hidden in the hall closet and went in search of Griffon.
Just as he thought, he found her in the workshop, carving something immense with her chainsaw. It looked like a ginormous piece of wood with arms and legs but fuck all if he knew what it was.
Having seen Geoff come in, Griffon killed the chainsaw and waited for the noise to subside before removing her goggles and smiling at Geoff. "It's going be a life size Groot when I am done."
"That's awesome," Geoff replied, smiling back. Griffon wasn't fooled.
"What is it?" she asked, pulling him over to her workbench and sitting down. "Is it the Syndicate? Do we need to go?" They had long prepared for a day when they might have to flee Los Santos, it was what you did when you lived as they did. Griffon herself had done some work both for the Syndicate and for Rooster Teeth in the past and she knew full well what they were dealing with.
"No," Geoff said heavily. "We don't need to go. Matter of fact, I don't think it will come to that. We have one more shot and if we fail this time, none of the six of us are coming back."
Griffon frowned. "You have a daughter upstairs, Geoff. You have to come back."
"I'll try," Geoff said. "But this plan is either crazy enough to work or crazy enough to fail. We all are organizing it together but it hinges on Gavin's ability to land a plane on a mountain."
Griffon's shock was palpable. "Gavin?! But in that test you all did, I thought Jack—!"
Geoff shook his head. "Apparently not. Apparently it was Gavin. Jack had never owned up to it but he did today when I told him he needed to fly. He turned it over to Gavin. That's how serious they are all taking it. No one lied or messed around today. Much. This is it, Griffon, and we all know it."
Griffon frowned and shook her head before looking at Geoff appraisingly. "You always thought those idiots were better than they were. Geoff...answer me honestly: do you think you all can do this."
All their failures were presented like a road map in his mind's eye. He could see every mistake, every sabotage, ever stupid error, every lost cause. They were awful, he knew that, but they had come so close so many times. Michael had succeeded. Ryan would have succeeded if doubt hadn't gotten the better of him and Ray. Ray had the money within reach before he fired to close and Jack's plan had worked, they had just been unlucky. All of the plans except Gavin's had in fact worked, they just had bad luck or made mistakes and Gavin's may have been successful if they hadn't crashed into the gas pump. As focused as they all were now, they knew they didn't have the luxury of mistakes. Perhaps that was enough.
"Yeah I think we can," Geoff said finally. "Or at least I think it's worth a shot."
Griffon didn't question it. He knew his Crew and he wouldn't lie to her. She just nodded.
"Then do what you have to," Griffon said. "But just make sure you come back to me and Millie. You hear me?"
"Yeah," Geoff replied. "I hear ya."
End Chapter
Author's Note: For those of you who may not remember, this heist was first attempted at a Let's Play Live event originally and they failed. Later they did the same plan as a regular Let's Play. This is why I reference them seeming to remember a version of the heist that goes horribly wrong. Just a little easter egg! Also Geoff and Griffon were still married when I originally wrote this so that's why Griffon shows up. I didn't see much need to change it especially since they are still on good terms with each other. No disrespect intended towards Geoff's current wife!