XCVII

Tuum Est

He'd been joking, hadn't he? Yes, I was definitely joking.

Miroku stares at the rolling green of the grassy hillside, at the grey clouds slowly receding from a blue sky, but he's not really seeing any of it. Saya rubs her cheek against his shoulder, then his neck, his cheek. The dark curtain of her hair obscures his vision, then. The taste of her kiss, the warmth and weight of her body, the scent of the soapberries with which she washes her hair – she fills all his senses, and her delight is pure and real and infectious.

When she's the most Wolfish in her affection, she's the most honest. He doesn't even have to think to know that despite her denials, her teasing and her games, she wants this. Something permanent between them.

He'd been joking, but his objection? explanation? clarification? gets swallowed back down his throat. When she leans back again, the light through the trees seems somehow clearer, or brighter, or… something. The heat of Saya's skin and the gleam of her smile are somehow more enticing than five minutes ago, and the whatever-it-is swooping in his stomach is wreaking havoc on his heartbeat, on his ability to breathe.

She touches his cheek with dangerous fingertips, and he leans his face into her touch. "You're so smart, Miroku, I should have thought of that. After all, you're only human, no one will think less of you. Everyone knows you don't know anything about us, and everyone knows I do whatever I want. I'll court you, and teach you. Haven't I been already? So that you understand when I can't stand to be this way."

Miroku stays where he is, doesn't move away from her hand, but he reaches out one of his own to push her hair aside and uncover her face. "You say that, and you've said that, but you've stayed in this shape ever since."

"I've been careful about Kagome-sama, and you don't mind my scars. I thought you might, at first."

"No, I don't. Only that they hurt you." He pauses; she's being very still, for Saya anyway, and she's still smiling at him. "Do you mean it, Saya? Does it not matter if it's you courting me instead?" He holds up his other hand, wrapped up like always. "I'm still cursed, aren't I?"

Her palm meets his palm, and then she entwines their fingers, holds the back of his hand against the scars on the side of her face. "But so am I. I won't give you sons who might suffer as you do, but a courtship takes as long as it takes. Ours can take as long it takes to kill your enemy." She turns, and looks back up the hill. "When that woman is healed, Kouga-sama is going to take her north again. He'll bring Kagome-sama, and maybe the fighters of our pack. He'll kill whoever it is that's been causing trouble for us. If that's Naraku like you think it is, you'll be free, won't you? Then it won't matter anyway."

Her confidence in her Alpha is complete, but Miroku can only shake his head. "If Kagewaki is Naraku, he won't be that easy to kill. I haven't managed to find him myself, that's why I resorted to gathering shikon shards, but my father's stories, and what he learned from my grandfather are enough. He doesn't wear one face; you can't ever be sure you've killed him, even when you've seen his body and think he's dead. Saya, I know Kouga's strong, and I know he has the shikon no tama, but –"

She takes his face in both hands, covering his lips with her thumbs to stop him talking. "No, no, no. He has Kagome-sama, my idiot darling. What he can't kill, she'll purify, hmm? Or wish away. She doesn't want to, I know, but she'll use that power if she must. For us. For the pack; like she did for Sho. You have to believe in them, Miroku, if you're to be mine. They'll be your Alphas too, you know?"

"I… suppose?" He murmurs against her fingers, and she slides them away from his face again, but stays where she is, her eyes fixed on his. "I haven't had a home for a long time. I hadn't really thought about… what it would mean. Not just to have one, but for it to be with you."

"No home?"

Her absolute shock is funny, but he can see that she wouldn't understand why he thinks so and keeps his chuckle to himself. "That's what mendicant means, hmm? And regardless, doing the work I do, looking for my enemy, I haven't needed a permanent residence. Not since I left my master."

But even the hint of humor is totally lost on her. "No home and no pack? No company to come visit? Not friends, not family, nowhere for them to find you? Never anyone waiting for you to return? Miroku, there shouldn't be a word for that. It shouldn't be. No wonder humans are terrible." She nudges his head aside with her forehead, licks his jaw, then bites his throat. She's gentle, very gentle, and it's only a moment, but there's something so completely possessive about it that Miroku's voice all but dries up in his mouth.

"Saya, it's not – it wasn't that bad, it wasn't like what you're thinking-"

"It is. It was." She's dropped all the teasing tones from her voice, all the subtle shades and hints of innuendo. "Miroku, my heart hurts for you. Now the way you are makes more sense to me, but I don't like it. Do you say so many sweet things to get rid of the taste of your life? Has it been so bitter? Stay with me, be at home with me, and I'll make it fruit and honey."

"Fruit and honey? But life can't just be sweet."

"I'll steal some of Kagome-sama's lemons, then. Sweet, and sour – but no more bitterness, not for you. You'll stay until you go, and when you go, I'll be waiting for you. My pack will be our pack; our den will be a home for you to come back to." She says it very firmly, as if the questions have been asked, and answered. As if all the problems and maybes are might-have-beens, already resolved.

He smiles despite himself. She really means what she said, and he can't deny her any more than he's already done. He doesn't want to, anyway. "If Kouga-sama doesn't mind me being here, I don't mind. You're here; it's pleasant here. And anywhere I live there's bound to be some kind of lord, isn't there? Kouga-sama's no worse than any other. If I court you -"

"If I court you, we'll work out all those problems. Your curse, and how used to us you are… but you've spent the whole winter with us, and half of spring." She smiles faintly at him, tilts her head. "Haven't you seen that our laws are mostly suggestions? Our rules often broken?"

He tries to remember, but he's close to very few of the Wolves. Knowing their Alpha isn't fond of him, knowing he's dangerous and human, only Saya and Ginta have made any overtures. And Kagome, but she's not a Wolf even if she considers herself part of their pack, so it's not the same. "Not… really?"

She shakes her head impatiently, counting on her fingers. "Shiori has two mates; Ginta and Hakkaku share the same one. Our Alpha chose a human miko, and it's not like she's the first mortal to live among us. And not just that, everyone's been counting her courtship as if Kouga-sama asked her the moment they met; you've heard them, haven't you? Saying it's been a year?"

"Yes, I was surprised about that at first. It seems like she belongs with you, like she's always been there." He leans closer, sliding a hand under the long, shining sheet of her hair. The wind helps him, lifting it off her back, but it spatters him with water from the still-wet leaves, too. He glares heavenward and wipes his face with his sleeve. "But it's really just been a year?"

"Yes, that's all. But it wasn't until the day she told you she was the Wolf's woman that he really asked her to court him, we've all heard the story a dozen times by now. But do you see? That wasn't until the night of the first snow, so it's really only been a little more than a season. I know why they're saying it of course, Kouga-sama wanted her from the beginning, and she was no better with him. But..." She smirks, and catches his wandering hand with her hand just as he's managed to cup her breast. "You're supposed to be listening, you bad priest."

"Sorry, sorry –"

"You are not. And I'm not, either." She slides his palm down away from her breast and holds it against the bare skin of her side instead. "But wait. I am explaining. Hmm… where was I? Oh, yes. Rules. Kuroku's grandfather was human, but he didn't understand a courtship and he wouldn't leave his family behind, so her grandmother married him, and then brought their children to the pack when he died. No one thought less of her for having her pups unmated, we understood. And it's not the same, of course, but Eisuke courted three females at once, before Kouga-sama put a stop to it because of the fighting."

"Eisuke? Sounds like my kind of guy." Miroku waggles his eyebrows, but it's hard to pretend when she's still holding his hand against her waist, and she lifts her head back up to nip at his earlobe and laugh at him.

"Probably not. He would have loved you for dinner, but not any other way. And he's dead, Miroku. And I wouldn't share anyway. Stop getting ideas." But she's smirking, not angry, and rolls her eyes at him.

"Ah. A lot of fighting, then. Never mind, never mind."

"He died fighting the harpies, idiot darling. You really think Kouga-sama would've waited for them to kill him?" But she stops, snickering, and nudges him with her shoulder. "You see? You don't know enough about us, you couldn't possibly court me. But I can teach you while I prove how wonderful I am."

He looks at her out of the corner of his eye, considering. "Your whole pack is going to laugh at me, aren't they? Every single one, and Kagome-sama. And your Alpha is going to be the worst of all."

With an easy motion and the stunning, Wolfish speed he's still not used to, Saya swings herself up and over his legs, and sits back on his thighs, straddling his lap. "Oh, yes. Absolutely."

Her new position is a lovely invitation, and Miroku slides one hand up toward the ties of her bandeau, and the other down to the base of her spine. "I suppose I might survive it, if I were well compensated."

She laughs at him, low, husky laughter even deeper than her voice. "Those are your expectations, Miroku? But that's not how it works."

"No?"

"No." She hitches herself closer to his chest and exhales a stream of hot promises against the shell of his ear. "If I court you, then it's my job to win you. To try to make you adore me, make you long for me more than anyone. Make you devoted, so you can't leave; make it so you want to stay forever. The way the game is played is like so: anything you ask for, I'll give you. Anything you desire, anything to please you, to make you happy. Your needs, your wants, your whims. And when I've given enough, made you happy enough, then you come to me, Miroku. You come to me, and make yourself more and more my lover."

A very long spring and a longer summer seems to stretch out in front of him suddenly – and who knows about fall, or winter? So he loves her. So he'll stay with her. There's still an Alpha to deal with, and Naraku after that. And she thinks that he's capable of going to her, spending the night with her – all those nights with her - and not giving in to whatever she wants?

He licks his lips and swallows twice before he can say anything. "I'm the one who has to choose?"

She nods; she smirks.

"I see." There's self-control, and then there's this fresh, new hell he's discovered. Can he turn back and choose a different one? Any other type of fire to burn in? He finds that she's staring at him, the sweetest smile on her lips. It's a lie, of course, but at least she's acting like herself again – and he still has to say something, doesn't he? This is karma. "No wonder you leave it to the females."

She snickers at him, catches both his hands and pulls them back around her waist again. "Yes. But you're so shy and human, and I want you so very much. Isn't it about the same?"

"I'm shy?" He slides his hands up her ribs, over her breasts, around her shoulders and the back of her neck. His fingers sink into her hair, and he draws two handfuls tight to keep it away from her face, and then kisses her, pleased by her moan and the way she relaxes on top of him. "Saya, I think you don't know what that word means."

"Oh yes I do! When it comes to anything serious you can barely get the words out, you think I haven't noticed?" She breathes her words into his ear again. "Strong feelings. That's what you said." She snorts and leans her forehead against his. "Kouga-sama was very polite, waiting for Kagome-sama to say things the human way, but I don't want to be, and I don't know how long you'd make me wait if I was. You love me, Miroku. That's your strong feelings. You love me, but you couldn't say it on your own."

"I –" He swallows hard; he can't deny it, can't disappoint her. He does love her, so how can he say he doesn't? He's loved her since the night he saw absolute trust in her face, the night she asked him to run with her under the moon. But even though it's true, his immediate reaction is still to say something that will divert her, something to restore the teasing rhythm to their conversation.

The words don't want to come, and he can see that she knows that, too.

"I can tell, I already said it. You can't hide it, not from me." She speaks in a lilting singsong, sits up again and plays with the tie at the front of his robe. "It's in your heartbeat. It's in your scent. Do you know what it's been like, when I know you can't tell you're giving yourself away?"

Silently, he shakes his head. She breathes in deeply, slowly; once, twice, and then again. Her pupils dilate; her eyes brighten and darken at the same time. "You smell like maleness and human, skin and sweat. There's old incense still on your robes, and the cedar and sandalwood fragrance of your beads. But most of all, and always when you're near me, there's the scent of desire-and-love, the best perfume there is. At first it was only desire, but for a while now it's been more, and I can't resist it at all."

"Don't?" The word stumbles stupidly out of his mouth instead of other things.

She grins, staring down at him. "I haven't been. But I wonder, if you can't say it, will I ever know if you love me very much, the way I love you?"

Somewhere between his chest and his mouth, his breath gets caught on the way in and tries to escape before he's finished breathing it. The tips of her fingers, and then just her claws, draw idle patterns on his chest that he can feel through his robes as if she were touching his skin.

"Maybe you only love me a little bit?" She lifts an eyebrow. "Maybe you love me barely at all, and -"

He sits up suddenly, wraps his arms around her and presses his cheek against her cheek when she tries to escape. "Very much, Saya. I love you very much. I didn't want to love you, tried not to love you, told myself it was a dangerous mistake. You can't stay here, I told myself. You don't belong here, Miroku, pull yourself together. You'll be leaving as soon as it's spring. But the night you asked me to run with you, it was all over. When I knew you wanted to share more than your body with me; when I saw that vulnerable look in your eye, while you said your brave, careless words. Like you always do – aren't you doing it now? Doing it for me."

The swooping feeling is hot and sickening, but he recognizes it for what it is now. It's all his feelings, all his desires, all his dreams. It's been how much he loves her all along. "You were so beautiful, of course I wanted you. A beautiful woman, a beautiful Wolf. But the more I got to know you, the more I saw you were lovely inside and out, the less chance I had of doing anything but falling for you. You just pulled me in."

"Miroku. Is that more honey for my heart?"

"If you like. I told you they were strong feelings, and you knew exactly what I meant."

"I know. I knew. I still wanted to hear it, though. And isn't it nice this way? Nice for you to hear and be certain about; nice for me, when you prove my point? Shy and human, Miroku. My white smile, my dark eyes, my breath and brightness, you can't deny it."

Her flood of pet names has more meaning now, and he smiles faintly, hearing them, despite how she's making fun of hm. "I can, and will. I am in fact continuing to do so at this very moment."

"No, no, no. I won't let you. Look at you, barely able to get the words out. So pleased with yourself for saying them after I made it easy for you." She wiggles just so, as if to remind him she's sitting across his lap when he needs no such reminder. "And you're so happy to kiss me and touch me now, out of sight out of that woman, but when I kissed you in front of her I thought you were going to spontaneously combust."

His ears are suddenly hot, as if sympathizing with her words. All right, so maybe she has a point, if he's going to start judging things by Wolfish standards. "Public displays of affection aren't something humans engage in, and neither are those words something we easily say. I could get over that… no, I will get over that. I can tell you I love you. I can tell your whole pack, if you want. But in front of that taijiya… I'd rather not give that woman more ammunition, that's all."

Saya frowns, and says the word slowly as if it has very little meaning. "Ammunition?"

"She has a sharp tongue."

"Ahh. But not as sharp as mine."

A smile flickers faintly across his face, then dissolves into a scowl. "No. But while I might be a Buddhist, I'm still human. I have a temper, and she's prodded it enough." He rubs a hand across his eyebrows as he makes the admission. "If she starts in on you again, or our relationship and what she thinks of it-"

She waves off the words like they don't matter at all. "Then you'll defend me. And I know she's been aggravating you, or I wouldn't have been so sharp with her. You're too nice for your own good, you know? You need to make it a hurt a little more when you change her bandages next time, she actually likes you."

He drops back against the ground, ignoring how damp the grass is. He likes looking up at her, at the halo the morning sun makes behind her and the gleam in her eyes. "I'd rather she did, if it's that or hate me, anyway. But I'm not as certain as you are about her feelings, and regardless, I'm stuck here with her. I don't want to be more miserable than I have to be. Especially if Kagome-sama has been kidnapped, then I really can't go anywhere else."

"I'll stay with you, and they'll be back in three days. Then we'll have the spring feast, and celebrate that she's accepted the mating." Half a shrug twists her shoulders "Or that they're mated."

"Or that."

Saya is quiet for a long moment, listening to something he can't hear, and then stretches out on top of him, her head on his chest, so that even through his robes he can feel the heat radiating from her skin. "If it's the second day they're gone that he takes her, I'll win white leather. Should I make clothes for you, our way? It's almost summer, your robes will be hot, especially if you travel with us. The woods in the seventh month are stuffy and smoldering."

"I thought you said you thought I'd be leaving soon?" He tries to wrap his arms around her again, but she slides off his body and bounces up to her feet before he can catch her.

She stares down at him with her arms crossed, and it occurs to him how much it looks like she's holding herself when she does that, or maybe holding herself back. "I thought you said you would go and return?"

The words are a challenge, but he shakes his head and smiles as he sits up. "That depends. First of all, I still don't know where you think I'm going. I don't have family or friends who are missing me, I didn't leave anyone behind out there." He gestures vaguely toward the further south, away from the pack's territory. "And you've been talking around everything like you usually do, lovely Saya. Going in circles until I'm dizzy, is that your plan?" He lifts his head to meet her gaze directly, and catches a flash of uncertainty and the hint of a flush on the half of her face he can see. "Are you going to say it, or not? I won't answer a question you don't ask."

He throws her own words back at her and holds his breath. His heart beats once, twice, three times. On the fourth beat, she opens her mouth, but then she closes it again, and his heart sinks right down to his feet. He'd been so sure –

She tackles him in a blur, knocks him onto his back again and breathes her words against his mouth. "Miroku, let me court you. Let me convince you this is the home you want, that you'll have a wonderful future with me. I can, I know I can. Please?"

"How can I say no when you ask so politely?" He tilts his head enough to catch her lips and kisses her thoroughly. "Yes, Saya, you can court me."

She takes a deep breath; he thinks she's going to howl, and starts to wince, but then she puts both hands over her mouth. "No, I won't. I won't tell anyone until Kouga-sama comes back."

"Are you going to use him as a distraction?"

"Yes!" She laughs at him; he laughs because she's beautiful. Because her proposal and what it means are sinking in, melting into his awareness the way fine matcha turns into tea.

She actually wants him; really wants him. He might not know the how of a courtship, but he knows the importance of it, the hope in it, even if he hasn't understood its full meaning. And he knows she loves him, as much as he can't escape his own feelings. There are other things in the way - important things - but right now they're invisible shadows, because that one thing is the midday sun.

Saya is in no hurry to escape his grasp now, presses herself closer and tighter against him and closes her eyes. "Aren't I being so nice to you? If they come back mated, then everyone will be laughing at our Alpha, not you. If they don't, everyone will be busy laughing at Kameko, and collecting their bets. Little old me isn't news in comparison to that, even courting a human. And I'm not Alpha, I don't need to make a big announcement."

"Then who will you tell? How will you tell them?" He's listened to both stories and gossip about how Kouga is pursuing Kagome, but now that he's thinking about it, he can't see how any of that pertains to them. "I wasn't there for whatever announcement Kouga-sama made -"

"Yes, you were!" Then she stops, and blinks at him. "Ah, but you were still my prisoner then, I almost forgot."

"Your prisoner?"

She dips her head in acknowledgement, but her grin doesn't change. "Our prisoner, then. But you're mine now, Miroku-hoshi, my darling human. You'll be more mine every day, I'll make sure of it. And now you've agreed to let me court you, I'll tell my friends, send word to my family-" She stops then, rubbing her cheek against his chest. "No, never mind, I won't even need to. We'll see them this summer. If you leave, you'll have to return by then, or I'll go out and hunt you, stalk you until I find you. It doesn't matter where you go, you're mine forever. The honey in my heart forever. My idiot love."

"You and your pet names…" Miroku squints one eye at her, thinks he knows what she's going to say, and has to ask regardless. "Can't we change the last one?"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" He nods, but she smirks at him. "No, definitely not. They're not pet names, silly human, they'll be part of my words forever."

"Your… words?"

Her smile is a rapturous thing. "Yes. You see, when a Wolf finds a mate, we have to tell them how we feel. But just to say I love you, how could that be enough? That doesn't tell you why I love you, does it? That doesn't tell you what I was thinking when I fell, or as I sank deeper. So each of us find our own words, full of all the beautiful things we can think of, all the precious truths we learned while learning our mate. The only thing that's always the same, that's part of everyone's words, is to say, you are my home."

A/N: HEE. HEE. HEE. What a pair of noodles. I LOVE THEM. This was SUPPOSED to be Kouga and Kagome starting their trip, but then this scene grew too long and I figured it made more sense to follow up the end of 96 with this than to start bouncing back and forth again! This week's title, "Tuum Est" means "it's up to you". Hehe. BTW, Saya, did you remember you said you wanted Miroku to come hunting? Is there an invisible deer in this scene? Is there even a RABBIT? IS THERE? Oh, apparently it was an invisible boar. Pfffff. (I don't believe her) GOOD LUCK THO SAYA I'M ROOTING FOR YOU!

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