Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx. Vexx.
He's all I can think about as I head back to the ship. My mind won't let go of him. "Ryona, I messed up." I find myself in the med bay. I don't even remember walking here. I don't remember if I left with Damon or if he's still at the bar. I'm so ashamed. I collapse into a chair in front of Ryona's desk. She looks me over and heads to the cabinet where she keeps the IV supplies. Ugh. I don't want an IV, but, I'll regret it in the morning if I don't.
"What did you do," she exhales.
"It's late. I'm keeping you up, it's nothing, I just drank too much. Got caught up in my feelings," I shrug, avoiding eye contact. It's not at all a lie.
"I've been there," she chuckles, "and you're not keeping me up, I've been up," she nods toward one of the beds enshrouded by a curtain. Vexx.
I sit in the chair next to his bed. He's fast asleep, but something about him seems different, more vulnerable. He looks so peaceful, I feel like I'm looking at a memory from my past. Ryona delicately squeezes my arm, pricking my vein so expertly I barely feel it. "He's okay. Damon was right, there is something going on with him." She tries to dumb it down for me, but these are terms I wouldn't recgonize sober, functioning at my highest level. The Tilaari's understanding of medicine, the mind, and the body, is so far beyond anything I could ever hope to understand. Where is that one brain cell when I need it? I try my best to listen to the words as she's saying them, I think she can tell I'm struggling. "Basically," she starts over, "his mind has been tampered with, and I am doing what I can to reverse the damage."
"Do you think he's…" I pause, my pain etches across my face. I feel so pitiful.
Ryona's eyes sparkle with empathy. "He talked about you a lot today. He's been asking for you nonstop."
I grimace when I recall him screaming "I JUST WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN," the night we dragged him in. I haven't been in to see him as often as my heart would like, not able to bear what he has to say. I'm unsure what to believe. His words cut deep, whether declarations of indifference or apologies. "Do you think he's just lying about this too?" He's been pretty quiet in his cell. From the moment we captured him that night on Teranium, I've believed it all to be a ruse, just another messed up game he's playing with me.
"Some Tilaari are able to tell if people are lying or rather their intentions, emotions, and moods," Ryona starts explaining to me. "Some see auras reflect a person's true spirit, others can smell changes in scent linked to moods, and a select few have the ability to hear other's brainwaves as a frequency, akin to mind reading. I can do all three, but, thankfully, the frequencies aren't very loud for me. I knew of someone who was driven to madness by the constant barrage of thoughts. She could only hear the brainwaves, but it was so loud and overwhelming that she went insane and ended her own life."
"That's awful," I reply, eyes at the floor. "So… Vexx, he has a good aura? What does he uh, smell like?" I let out a nervous laugh.
"He smells like cinnamon when he's around you," she smiles, "and his aura was almost inperceptible until I started working on him today. He's not trying to deceive us, I promise you. He's been through a lot." I sigh, a new flavor of pain taking hold of me. I can't imagine what he's been through that would make him act the way he has been. I go to run my hand through his hair, but stop myself before I wake him up. I don't want him to see me like this.
I'm starting to sober up, that fuzzy drunk feeling soon replaced with overwhelming guilt. Vexx was here, having his mind poked and prodded, no doubt being questioned and having to admit to uncomfortable things, whereas I was off with Damon, trying to forget about Vexx entirely. My father's cruel legacy as king weighs on me, and if I weren't his daughter, I would probably say, he deserved to die for all he let happen. I'm not even sure that I don't feel that way as his daughter. But no one likes the K'Merii, either, and Jes Zovack is just as bad as my father was, in new and horrifying ways. I'm not sure how the man I once knew got caught up in all of that, but from what I know of Zovack now, it might not have even been his choice. I shudder. I wonder how long its been since Vexx got to do something that he actually wanted to do. When was the last time his life was only his? When did his desire, his will, his ambition start belonging to someone else?
Exhaustion claims me, I can barely keep my eyes open at this point, but my mind resists sleep. It eventually wanders to that place I've visited many times before in my daydreams. We're in the woods, in a cottage. We live a simple life, together. I don't let myself imagine much past that, all the precious little details. I get so invested in my own fantasies with him, it pains me deeply to think they will never happen now. I fall asleep pretending I'm in his arms, just like most nights, really.
I wake to Ryona's gentle touch. "Raina, you've been sleeping for hours. Vexx is asking for you."
My eyes flutter open. "Is he okay?"
Ryona smiles, "He's making progress. His aura is stronger, more defined." My expression betrays my confusion. I feel ignorant, but I don't really understand auras. Ever the mind reader, Ryona answers the question I didn't ask. "He's regained control of himself for the time being. When the darkness in him takes over, his aura is extinguished entirely."
Vexx's sleepy voice interrupts from behind the curtain. "How's it goin', Princess?" His voice sounded so familiar, like the old Vexx. My Vexx. I half-expected to wake up in a dream where we were still at the palace together. A floodgate of emotions and questions opens, but I hesitate. Do I tell him I love him and always have, do I say I'm sorry for my outburst the other day, do I tell him about last night? Ugh, last night. I really don't want to ever speak of that again. The difference a day makes. Just one single day forward, had the mission been tonight, instead of last night… It doesn't matter, that's not how it happened. He deserves to know, doesn't he? Would I want to know if he had done the same? No, I don't think I would, not unless it was also with Damon, which would be kinda funny, really, and also kinda sexy.
"Morning, sunshine," I play it safe. "Do you want something to eat? I can make you something, some coffee, or just grab some fruit?" I am really hoping that he chooses something simple. My hungover brain can't handle culinary complexities right now, but I need to get out of here. I know I look a mess, I feel a mess. I am the biggest mess on this whole ship. I need a shower, a hit of caffeine, some headache medicine, and a prayer. O Lord, heal this bike.
"Coffee would be great, if you don't mind." I'd make a five-course meal if he asked, I'm just really glad he didn't.
I freshen up in the communal bathroom as quick as I can. No time for a shower, but I wipe off my smudged eye liner and what's left of my sparkly lipgloss. Thank the stars I didn't put on lipstick last night. As I enter the kitchen, Damon blocks my path, eyes burning with a mixture of amusement and irritation. I need to apologize for last night. Before I can say anything, he turns toward me. "If you ever need a distraction from him again," Damon leans in, his words a seductive growl, "go fuck yourself." he finishes sternly. My eyes roll as a smile creeps onto my lips, expecting playful banter, but Damon's cold stare freezes me right where I stand. Oh. Last night's mistake just became a collosal blunder, and, I didn't even get laid.
Self-loathing washes over me. I feel like I'm drowning. I can't do anything right. Every choice I make is the wrong one, it feels like. Damon seems like the type who likes getting used, but no one deserves to be treated that way. I just wanted someone else to extinguish the fire inside of me that burns just for Vexx. I wish it hadn't been Damon.
"I'm sorry…" I say it so low, I don't know if he even heard me.
"Save it," he cuts my apology short. There's a certain longing in his eyes that I don't miss as he turns toward the hall, a faint flicker of vulnerability. Fuck.
I've been so judgmental towards Damon. Initially, I pegged him as just another pretty fuckboy. He's a guy who likes to unwind and have fun, and it's not my place to worry about how. Besides, he's so much more than that. He's my best friend, I just didn't realize it until now. In the midst of all of the chaos, he's the one who's been making me laugh the most. He makes me feel alive again. Even when we are in danger, or things don't go our way, I find myself being happy just to be near him, that he's the one I'm doing all of these things with. He's fun to be around. It's not exactly the same feeling, but, it was close to what I had with Vexx at the palace. Damon once told me that when he worked for Zovack, he'd been asked to map out the palace to find routes in for the attack. He passed on it, and the Andromeda 6's very favorite redhead took the job instead. If he hadn't, would it be Damon who fills my heart right now? What if Vexx were the second in command instead? Would he have fallen for me under normal circumstances? Fate plays twisted games.
Shaking off thoughts of Damon, I return to Vexx with his meager breakfast: an orange and coffee. I find unease in my heart where there should be joy and hope. It couldn't just be the hangover, could it? I'm not even that hungover. I am a bit of a lightweight, but even so, I really didn't have that much. I can't blame this one on the alcohol. In that moment last night, I truly did want Damon, with the kind of animalistic passion that's usually only reserved for Vexx, in my mind, in my room, alone. I might have to take Damon's advice later.
I put on my most pleasant smile and head in to see Vexx. He's sitting up in bed now, but he looks so tired still. "I know that smile." His voice is gravelly. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, now," I crack under the weight of truth, "I'm just not sure what to make of all of this, I guess." I do believe Ryona when she tells me I can trust him, and I know she said the progess she is making with him will keep him mostly lucid, but my doubts linger. His eyes catch mine, then dart away. I can tell he wants to say something, but after a long moment, he just sighs and has a sip of coffee. He grabs his hair with both hands, pulling up on his face and stretching out his eyebrow scar. I forgot how he got that. Didn't he trip once when we were running from the guards?
"You're never gonna let me live that down, even now," he chuckles, catching me looking at it.
"What happened?" I ask, my lips forming into a curl at the thought.
"Oh no, I'm not falling for that. If you don't remember, then I'm leaving it that way." Vexx and I spend the rest of morning talking. It's a bit uncomfortable at times, like we both are afraid to open up to the other, or say the wrong thing, but sometimes, it feels like the old us again. He's barely touched his orange. He doesn't know what I went through to bring that to him, clearly.