The view never got old. Lisa knew she'd been sitting here now for over an hour, but she wasn't ready to get up and face the music. She'd been sitting here doing a lot of thinking. Scratch that-she should have been doing a lot of thinking, but all she could really say for the last hour was that her mind had been wandering; she couldn't focus. It was so surreal. A baby. Of course, she was trying not to get too excited or hopeful because this wasn't supposed to happen; things could definitely still go wrong. On the other hand, she was terrified of telling Jack because again, this wasn't supposed to happen. Jack had made it clear he didn't want this, and now, here she was, a mix of emotions and with a life-changing predicament in her hands.
Sitting here on her back patio looking out over her gorgeous estate and land, it somehow brought her back to another time she'd sat here, looking out over Fairfield just after her dad had died. Back then, she'd certainly had a lot of sorrow, losing her dad, the last of her parents to pass away. However, losing her dad hadn't been the only thing plaguing her then. Her marriage to Dan had been falling apart, and she had spent many, many hours out here on her back patio thinking though things, thinking about her future, thinking about what life going forward would look like for her. Back then, her thoughts centered around a marriage ending, the belief that children were not in her future. Fast forward to today, she was happily married, surprisingly pregnant, and yet she was still a total mess.
Now, as she sat here today, years later, she had similar thoughts in her mind, at least what the future would look like. It could certainly now include the pitter patter of little feet but she couldn't think that far ahead, at least yet. It could also include more heartache because this pregnancy could certainly end badly. Things with Jack could certainly end badly as well. She wasn't ready for either scenario-losing the blessing of a baby or losing the man who had surprised her in many ways and was the love of her life.
Oh Jack. In all this time sitting on her back patio, she still hadn't come up with a way to tell him. Marion had been certain Jack would be okay with things, but what if he wasn't? Marion hadn't been there during the conversation she and Jack had had when he'd tried to break things off with her while they were dating. He'd been clear-he had raised a family-Marion. He'd even helped raise Lou and Amy, so he definitely didn't want to do that again. He was much older. They both knew that. Aside from the fact he'd told her he didn't want to start over with a family, the reality that Jack's age could be a factor and he would miss out on so much was another factor. Of course, life was unpredictable. She'd lost her mom early, just as Marion had, just as Jack had. Nothing was guaranteed.
Lisa sighed and leaned her head back against her chair. She was completely exhausted and felt awful. She knew she needed to eat better now with the information she had, but she was struggling to keep things down or find anything that sounded decent to eat. Right now, she just wanted to close her eyes and get a little peace and quiet. Her head was pounding, and soon, sleep overtook her.
"Lise," she felt a strong hand on the shoulder, gently shaking her, and as that registered, Lisa heard her name and opened her eyes to see Jack there checking on her. She started to sit up more, as she'd slouched down in her chair during her nap, and as she did, Jack pulled at a patio chair and sat down, his knees touching hers. He looked worried and waited for her to fully awaken, deep concern on his face and his hand on her knee.
"Jack," she said with a slightly groggy sound to her voice as she sat up fully and brushed her hair from her face. She had no idea the time and glanced at her watch before she locked eyes on Jack.
"6:30 now Lise," Jack told her. "Got worried when you didn't come home for dinner at 6:00 like usual, and then you didn't answer your phone. Marion thought you were over here working, but I saw your car up here at the house."
"Ahh, yes," she said with a slow nod. "Gosh, I guess I fell asleep."
"Lisa, what is going on? I'm worried about you, and you're now spending more and more time here. You're avoiding me, rushing over here to Fairfield each day, barely coming home, and when you do, you won't eat and instead rush off to bed. I'm not leaving here until we hash this out, and I get some answers."
Lisa felt tears building in her eyes and nodded, looking down at her lap. When she looked back up at Jack, she gestured toward her training arenas.
"Can we take a walk, please?"
She saw Jack about to argue with her suggestion, even going so far as to open his mouth in protest, but she reached over and squeezed his hand. "I know we need to talk. I'd just like to walk and talk." At that, he let out his breath and nodded, pushing up from his patio chair with his hands on the armrests. He stepped back slightly so Lisa could stand from her cushioned chair, her favorite chair out here on the patio. She saw Jack watch as she directed their way, finally stepping up to join her as they stepped away from the house and walked toward the closest training ring. She wanted to reach for Jack's hand, but knowing the conversation that had to happen with Jack just showing up here, well, she instead crossed her arms, taking the defensive stance even without really thinking about it.
Lisa paid attention to her breathing as they walked, eyeing Jack there, walking quietly next to her. He'd put his hands in his pockets, and she gestured toward the fence where it seemed like a good idea to stand and talk. Why it felt better to get up and move around, away from the house, she didn't know, but they were here, and the time to fess up was now.
"Okay, Lise," Jack said as they reached the fence, and he put his foot on the bottom rung of it, looking first at her and then out over the beautiful terrain. "What's going on?"
At that, Lisa who was leaning her shoulder up against the fence, facing Jack burst into tears, not that she wanted to cry, but the tears just came. Sure, now it made sense why she had been so emotional lately, but here she was crying again for the second time today.
"I'm so sorry. So sorry, Jack. I never planned this, never thought it would ever happen. I know you will hate me. I never expected this. I understand if you don't want to stay with me. I can't even believe this is happening. I'm so sorry, Jack. I know this is a betrayal of all we discussed. I never meant to do this to you-"
Lisa!" Jack cut in, and maybe he'd been trying to since she started crying hysterically and rambling. "Lisa!" She continued to sob, tears covering her face. Jack finally clutched onto her wrists and got her attention, placing a handkerchief in one of her hands. She looked up at him, realizing she hadn't made eye contact with him through all of this. She couldn't. She felt the handkerchief and started to wipe at her face after Jack released her wrist. He was studying her, and she just put her face into the handkerchief and kept crying. "Lisa, what is happening? Are you leaving me? Are you so unhappy that you've been coming home here more and more because you don't want to be married? Is there even someone else-a betrayal you said?"
"What? No!" Lisa's eyes widened, and she paused her sobs at that, hearing Jack's question. She shook her head, locked eyes with him, and she looked to him with a very confused face. "Jack, I'm pregnant! I know you don't want a family with me. We talked about this. You made it very clear, and I'm so sorry because I really didn't lie to you. Doctors did tell me I'd never have a baby, and yet, here I am. I-"
"Wait, what?" Jack's eyes widened, and when she made eye contact with him, Jack's eyes were searching hers for an answer. "You're pregnant? You're not unhappy with us and leaving me?"
"What?" Lisa now asked, her voice squeaking as she wiped at her eyes. Her mouth dropped open, and she looked horrified at Jack's question. "Leaving you? I love you. I'm terrified you won't want me-"
"Why wouldn't I want you? I married you because I love you and want to spend the rest of my sorry, old life with you. Wait-you said you're pregnant?"
Both were completely confused, hearing bits and pieces of each other's fears and admissions. Jack now, with head titled, looked at Lisa, and she wiped at her face again as she nodded.
"You said you didn't want me if I wanted a family-"
"When did I say that? "
"While we were dating-you wanted to break off things if I wanted a family-"
"Yeah, but you told me that wasn't a possibility, that you couldn't have kids-"
"I didn't lie to you," she started crying again as she shook her head. "That's what I was told, what had been, and now," she looked up at him.
"Wait," Jack held up his hand and shook his head. "You're telling me that you're pregnant., right now, right here-"
"Well, yeah, that's what I'm saying."
"I got you pregnant-"
"I mean, we were both willing participants, but I never thought it would happen, but yes, we made a baby, Jack. I understand if this is too much, if you don't want me anymore Jack.,"
"Hold on," Jack put his hand up again. "You're telling me you're pregnant."
"You've asked that a few times. Yes, Jack, I'm pregnant, by you, not some immaculate conception, although," she rolled her eyes, "it feels like that with what the doctors told me after my other miscarriages. I saw the doctor today, and I'm so sorry even about that. I should have told you, but I even thought I was in menopause and then when I suspected I was pregnant, I was prepared to hear I was having another miscarriage just like I did when I had two previous ones-"
"Lisa," he interrupted and put his hand on her shoulder, looking at her. "Let me catch up." She nodded while he took a deep breath. She could see his face was flushed, and he took another long, deep breath, "You're not unhappy with us?" She shook her head. "You're not talking about betrayal that you found someone else?" She shook her head again. "You've been sick, tired-all of that because you're pregnant?" Lisa nodded a final time and then plunged her hand into her pocket and handed Jack the sonogram, the small picture almost crumbled from her clutching it all afternoon.
"Right there, today," she said, and Jack looked down at the sonogram in his hand, his eyes widening as he looked at her, seeing their baby there in his or her first picture.
"You were thinking you were having a miscarriage?"
She shrugged and made a face, "I thought I was six weeks or so, and I'd had my miscarriages at seven and nine weeks."
"This has 11 in the corner," he pointed at it and glanced at her. "Does that mean-"
"11 weeks," she interrupted him, nodding. "I'm 11 weeks, the fishing cabin, Jack. I had no idea. I've felt so awful for so long and did keep some of that from you while I was in France. I was sleeping all the time and just thought it was jet lag and that cold I had. You've seen how sick I've been since I've been home-"
"Food poisoning?" Jack eyed her. "Did you know then?"
"What? No!" Lisa exclaimed, shaking her head. "Honey, I promise I just started to put it together this week with Marion, and no, you cannot be upset with her. She is the one who put the idea even in my head. We had been discussing ahh female issues, and that's honestly how it started. She and I were comparing some notes, and I promise you I even told her it wasn't possible, but," she pointed to the picture, "I am. The doctor heard the heartbeat, a sound I never thought I would hear, and the entire time, I was so mad at myself for not telling you. We are a team, and for good or bad, I should have told you, and I'm so sorry, but that doesn't even get to the idea that you don't want this, you don't want more kids, a family with me, and I understand if it's too much."
"So, you are pregnant," Jack eyed her.
"Yes."
"You're not leaving me, having second thoughts about being married to me?" Jack now was teared up as he let out a slow breath. Lisa knew with all of his repeated questions, he was struggling to grasp her news.
"I love you," Lisa gripped his hand. "I have been so worried you will want nothing to do with me."
"You think I would divorce my wife because she's pregnant?"
"Well, not normally, but we agreed on this. This was not something you want."
"Can't things change?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "Lise, life is all about change. Nothing is guaranteed. You're here, telling me that you're pregnant with our baby?"
"Umm, yes," she said, now sniffling as she wiped at her face again.
"Lise, I could never be upset with you about something like that, heck something I did to you-"
"I didn't want you to think I'd trapped you or lied to you-"
Jack took her hands in his and squeezed them, "I know you better than that. I hope you realize that. You're one of the most genuine people I've ever met, comparing you to my grandmother, and you know I loved her dearly. You are my world. I wouldn't have married again if I wasn't certain it was something incredibly special. You are it, and now, you're saying this love we have has brought about a baby?"
"Perhaps," she nodded. "I mean, I'm still not out of the woods. I could still lose the baby, and I cannot even being to think of this going well. It never has before. I can't carry a baby, but I'm further along than I ever have been. A heartbeat is a good sign, and," she nodded to the picture he had in his hand, in their joined hands, the picture now very crumpled, but neither cared, "and everything from today looked perfect. Jack, I'm so sorry. You should have been there today."
Jack nodded, "You're right. I should have been. Wow, a baby. I can't say that this is something I hoped for, Lise, but it's quite incredible. I'm thinking of what a disappointment I will be, being so old, if I'm even around. Lise, I'm never going to be the husband and father you need. I've told you that. I may not even be around-"
"Stop right there," she squeezed his hand and met his gaze. "We are not going to talk like that. You are everything I need, and if we actually do have this baby, it appears we are in this together. I love you too much. You seem to love me too," she said with the first smile she'd had since they started talking. "I really can't do this without you. I don't want to do any of this without you. Today made me see that. I need you, Jack, and if we actually have this baby, he or she will need you too. Age doesn't matter," she shook her head. "I'm sorry to spring this on you at your age because I know you've raised Marion. You've raised the girls too, and this isn't fair-"
"Fair? Lise, life isn't fair. Look at the people we have both lost. Nothing is fair. It wan't fair you had to go through the heartache of two miscarriages and then a divorce. Lise, I'm worried about you. You are my world, and what wouldn't be fair is for something to happen to you. I've lost a wife, and I don't intend to lose another. What are the risks for you? That's what we need to discuss."
"Ahh," she shook her head, "I'm fine, really, aside from the fact I can't change what my body will do. If I'm going to lose this baby, I can't change that, and I do know that. Hard to accept, but I do know it. I'm old," she frowned with a slight chuckle. Jack chuckled too, nodding. "I mean, really, I am, according to pregnancy. Advanced maternal age, so that has to be watched, but the doctor said things were impressively good."
Jack just shook his head as he looked out over the stable and then looked back at Lisa who waited for him as he digested things. "A baby?"
She nodded with a small shrug, "Better than the two of us thinking we are losing the other one, ehh? I'm sorry I've been so distant and out of sorts."
"Come here," he pulled her toward him and just held her. She clutched tightly to him, and he kissed the top of her head. "We're going to do whatever we need to do to hopefully keep you and this baby healthy. I can't believe it, Lise."
"Probably shouldn't have come to the fishing cabin, eeeh?" Lisa pulled back slightly to look up at Jack. He frowned down at her and brushed hair from her face.
"Now, why would you say that? That trip might end up being the biggest blessing to both of us. I may have given you the one thing you never thought you'd have."
She bit her lip and nodded, glancing down as she cleared her throat, "I just worry I am giving you the one thing you very clearly told me you didn't want in a marriage to me."
He frowned, nodding slightly, "I'm not against a family with you, but it wasn't something I was exactly expecting to pursue. I just wanted you to have your dreams, and if it was a big family with someone, I wasn't that guy. Seems to me that we're in this together. I mean, we are married, and I take that whole 'until death do us part' seriously. We're in this, and while it wasn't planned, I can still be very happy about it, as long as you're healthy. I don't want to disappoint you and have you lose another baby."
"And you can't do anything about that," she squeezed his hand. "I can't either. We can be there for each other and take this one day at a time. Who knows?" Lisa shrugged. "We might come out of this with a baby."
"A beautiful one," he said quietly, a small smile on his face as he nodded at her. "You could be a mom, and any baby that is half you is going to be a beautiful one. Oh my, Lise. This is crazy."
"I know," she said, a laugh escaping as she covered her mouth. "I really thought you would yell and scream and want nothing to do with me."
"And I came over here worried I'd lost you, that you wouldn't leave Fairfield."
"You know what? I really want to go home," she said, squeezing his hand again and then adding with a nod, "to Heartland."
"It's going to take me some time to get over this stunned expression I have," Jack sighed. "I really can't believe this, Lise"
"I can't get my hopes up, and I hope you understand that. This could very quickly go wrong, Jack, and I need to prepare for that. You need to as well."
"I know," he nodded, clutching her hand. "I'm here for you. I promise."
"I promise no more keeping you in the dark. I really am sorry."
"I'm sorry you doubted me," Jack nodded. "We're a team, Lise, no matter what life throws at us. Come here," and again, he pulled her tightly toward him, both clutching each other tightly. Just before they stepped apart, Jack leaned in and kissed her tenderly, his hands shifting, moving them around to Lisa's stomach, splaying them across her stomach, and looking at her with a small smile and nod as he did. "This is going to be something, Lise. Can't believe it. Who would have thought your lives would turn out this way?"
She put her hands on his and looked up at him, "One day at a time. We cannot get too focused on what could be. Let's just see if you and I really can have this miracle baby."