Chapter Summary: Killing is easy. Satisfying Jack the Ripper so they do not gut their sleeping roommates is slightly more complicated.

FGO: Tales from the Second Archive
An FGO Fanfic by
Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)
Chapter 3: Assassin's Feed

"No! Senpai, please! We can't! The others will hear!"

"I didn't know you were a noisy one, Mash. Now I want to hear your cute moans even more."

"Oh, why does it feel so good?! Ah, no, not there!"

"Mash, you're positively drip-"

BAM.

"WE'RE HOME!"

Osakabehime gave an undignified squeak, but managed to shove the doujinshi she'd been reading under the couch with all the speed that her Assassin-boosted reflexes boasted. A good thing, too, as an instant later, a small body landed on her back, and not in the steamy, romantic way she dreamed of.

"Okaa-san, I missed you!" Jack the Ripper chirped in her ear.

Osakabehime sighed. "Jackie, how many times do I have to tell you? I don't mind the hugs, but if you expect me to put up with them, you know what you have to call me."

Jack pouted. "Sorry, onee-sama."

Osakabehime smiled, blushing slightly as she rubbed Jack's head. "Don't worry about it. Hey, there's some leftovers, if you're hungry."

"Hamburgers?!" Jack squealed.

"Uh, close. Meat lover's pizza."

Jack looked far less excited.

Osakabehime shook her head. "Look, I'll put some ketchup on it for you, and I'll even make it look like a pizza boy got brained during the delivery. But if you want raw meat, add it yourself."

"Okaaay," Jack groaned, making it sound as if Osakabehime weren't being helpful at all.

Osakabehime was about to retreat to her bedroom and finish reading, until she realized that Jack had not come home alone. "Oh. Hey, Milly. What's up?"

The woman turned to face Osakabehime with deliberate slowness. "You know that my name is Carmilla."

Osakabehime shrugged. "That's nice for you."

Carmilla sighed. "Must you spoil the child that way?"

"Uh, considering it prevents me from getting gutted by said child in my sleep? Yeah, I think I do. And don't act like it's only me. I bet you two just got back from ripping pretty young mobs to pieces."

Carmilla did not respond, which was answer enough.

"Yeah, I thought so. I used to think it was weird that Jackie wanted to hang around you so much, but now I get it. You both have the same taste in victims. You prefer draining them, and Jackie-"

"Was there a point to this observation?" Carmilla interrupted.

"I'll stop spoiling the kid when you do. Oh, and speaking of that..." Osakabehime suddenly exploded into a column of fluttering bats, which streamed into her bedroom (one bat was a bit slower, as it was carrying what Carmilla mistook for a rolled-up magazine).

This left Carmilla the only one present when Jack returned from the kitchen, holding two storage containers.

"Okaa-san, which of these is okay to put in the microwave? I can never remember."

This was clearly a question best suited for Osakabehime, as the resident expert on reheating food. Silently cursing the youkai, Carmilla bent down to help Jack.

"There's no point complaining to me," Osakabehime said. "We're the top three Assassins that Master has, and if he wants us to do a late night event run, then guess what we're doing tonight?"

"I wasn't complaining," Carmilla pointed out, "about that. What I said was that it's your turn to wake up Jack."

Osakabehime grunted. "Pretty sure it's not."

"The still healing hole in my lung from the last time I had to do it says differently. I can show it to you, if you like."

"Dammit." Osakabehime sighed. "Okay, fine, I knew it was my turn all along. But I really hate doing this."

Carmilla glared at her. "Oh, well in that case. If you stab yourself in the lung right now with a butterknife, and twist it slowly for three seconds, then I'll be happy to wake Jack up for you."

"Uh... quit making so much sense, it's impossible to argue with you when you're like this!" Osakabehime snapped as she stomped over to Jack's room. Hesitantly, she knocked on the closed door, and shrieked as a dagger was driven through the door, a few inches above her knuckle.

The door whipped open, and Hassan of the Hundred Personas glared out, and spoke a single word in a voice like gravel. "What."

Osakabehime snatched the knife out of the door and held it up. "Lose something?"

The knife was snatched out of Osakabehime's hand. "I didn't lose anything. I knew exactly where it was the whole time."

"Look, we need Jack for an event. Master's orders. I know you Hassan chicks like to treat Jack as your personal snuggle bunny since we haven't got that ancient creep you all worship, but this comes first. So untangle yourselves already, I'm not going to be late because someone else couldn't get with the program."

"You will have to wait until-"

Osakabehime peered over the Hassan's shoulder at the clearly occupied bed. "Jackie! Event time! We need you!"

An instant later, the blankets were thrown back, revealing a startled Hassan of the Serenity and Jack, who wiggled out of her embrace and bounded happily out of room. Even Osakabehime was not unmoved, as she knew that when your skin itself was poison, snuggle partners were hard to come by. And the devastated look on the poison girl's face at the loss of physical contact wasn't helping any.

"We'll, um, be back soon," Osakabehime muttered uncomfortably.

"See that you are," Hassan of the Hundred Personas growled, slamming the door in her face.

By the time Osakabehime returned to the common area, Jack and Carmilla were properly equipped and ready to leave. And if Jack was suffering any ill effects from being snuggled up to a poison girl? Well, in all honesty, it was probably only bad in the long run for anything or anyone that touched Jack any time soon, and Carmilla was being fairly obvious about not doing that.

"You really like shacking up with those two, Jackie?" Osakabehime asked.

"Sure!" Jack chirped. "I love Persona kaa-san and Serenity kaa-san!"

"Uh, okay then. Let's go gut some stuff."

Next Chapter: Ride or Spa Chicks

If a determined goddess can't hatch a plot for world domination in the comfort of a heated pool... perhaps that's why she was given the heated pool in the first place.

Endnotes:

Wasted a bunch of Saint Quartz on a failed attempt to get the First Hassan. Got mad. Then decided Jack was so awesome that the Hassan girls were probably better off. Find myself doing a lot of that type of convincing with this game...

It's my personal belief that Osakabehime's NP isn't offensive in nature because that would increase how many missions she's sent on. Still, I was very happy to get her, most of my Assassins at the time were so weak that I was depending on someone's Cleopatra to do everything (plus I loved watching her breakdance)... and then they took her away. Sadface.

Servant Spotlight!

Name: Jack the Ripper
Nicknames: Jackie
Class: Stabbities (Boss of Team Assassin)

Equipment:
Lotsa Knives: As expected.

Class Skills:
Eternally Armed: A
The famed Assassin ability to pull knives, from anywhere and everywhere, at any given moment, regardless of whether the Servant was even armed to begin with. Handy at meal times.

Personal Skills:
Snuggle Time!: B
An expert snuggle partner. If you know how to handle them properly. And don't mind the occasional stab.

Noble Phantasm:
Stand-In Old Man: EX
Jack's status as the Assassin Boss, and the lack of a more powerful Hassan, causes the present Hassans to recognize Jack as their spiritual leader. The assumption is that if a more powerful Assassin was summoned, this honor would go to them. But it hasn't happened yet.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Any females who like to snuggle.
Least Favorite Servant: Anyone mean to women or kids.
Partner in Crime: Any Hassans.
Hobbies: Stabbing, snacking, gutting, napping, slashing, playing.
Personal Quote: Let's play, okaa-san!

Name: Osakabehime
Nicknames: NEET-hime
Class: Stabbities (co-sub-commander of Team Assassin with Carmilla)

Equipment:
Giant Bag o' Cheese Puffs: Obviously an extremely lethal weapon. To her waistline.
Mysterious Books: Expertly hidden in her bedroom, so their nature is unknown.

Class Skills:
Buzz Off: A-
Given her Class and commander status, the assumption is that bugging her too much would result in lethal consequences. But she's far more likely to whine until left alone. Still, very few know that for certain, so the intimidating rep remains.

Personal Skills:
Stump Life: D
She would really rather not leave her room. Unless she's low on cheese puffs. Her favorite movie was Shrek, until she realized it wasn't a documentary on a fascinating ogre who gets bothered by everyone.

Noble Phantasm:
Master Said: EX
She figured out that the easiest way to get out of most things is to lie and claim she has permission to skip from Master. Mash is the only one able to confirm or deny these claims, and if she had to do so every single time that Osakabehime tried to get out of something... it's easier to go along with the lies. In return, however, you can be sure that when Osakabehime is unhappy about a mission she's on, it's because Mash made her go.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Jack, since they don't mind her laziness.
Least Favorite Servant: Carmilla, who feels the exact opposite about her laziness.
Partner in Crime: Officially, Carmilla. Unofficially, Jack.
Hobbies: Snacking, reading, writing, avoiding missions when possible.
Personal Quote: Go away, I'm sleeping. Totally sleep-talking to you right now. Send someone else.