Chapter Summary: An unfortunate Lancer struggles with abruptly being outranked.

FGO: Tales from the Second Archive
An FGO Fanfic by
Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)
Chapter 5: Boil the Lance-r

One of the benefits of being an Alter, was that people tended not to question if you did something strange.

So when Arturia Alter began keeping a pet in her room, nobody said a word. At first.

But after a week, her two roommates felt they had to say something. They were taking their lives into their own hands, only being three-stars, but things had gotten too awkward.

Arturia Alter's shower time had doubled, and she had begun using Excalibur Morgan to block the bathroom door, so as to prevent disturbances. She was also consuming more food than she normally did. And since almost every Arturia ate twice as much as the average Servant, it essentially meant ketchup and mustard sandwiches for anyone who came later.

Most disturbing of all, high-pitched, off-key singing could now be heard floating from Arturia Alter's room in the middle of the night. It was not so much bad as it was supremely embarrassing.

The next time that Arturia Alter returned from combat, she found her roommates waiting for her the second she crossed the threshold.

"Arturia-dono," Caesar said uncomfortably. "There is a matter that we feel we need to address with you."

"And it is no one's fault," Guilles quickly chimed in.

Arturia Alter stared at them. "I knew this day would come. I suppose I have been unfair to you."

"No, no, of course not!" Caesar protested. "But, ah... these recent changes-"

"I should not have tried to hide it. You, my trusted allies who have followed me into battle countless times, deserve the truth. I am with child."

The two men stared blankly at her.

"Well," Caesar said at last, "if you require more shower time, or a... changed diet, we can certainly accommodate you."

Arturia Alter nodded. "I appreciate that."

"But do you really have to keep singing Christmas carols in the middle of the night?" Guilles said abruptly.

"Ah. That." Arturia Alter hesitated, then sighed. "I should explain-"

"What's wrong with my singing?!" demanded a voice.

Caesar and Guilles turned to see the pet emerging from Arturia Alter's room and glaring at them.

"...oh," Caesar said.

"Oh my," Guilles said appreciatively, instantly rethinking his objection.

"Perhaps I should have notified you that a small friend would be staying with me temporarily," Arturia Alter offered.

"Was it really necessary to call me small?" the pet complained.

"No, I suppose that would have been obvious." Arturia Alter paused, realizing that sounded even worse. "Ah. I apologize, Santa."

"Is there some reason she isn't living with the other Lancers anymore?" Caesar asked. "I thought they got along famously."

"We did, until Master gacha'd a new Lancer!" Santa (rather, Jeanne d'Arc Alter Santa Lily, precisely) wailed, bursting into tears.

Guilles moved to comfort her, but, not liking the look in his eyes (which had never bulged out quite so far before), Arturia Alter quickly crossed the room and hugged Santa.

"And they... kicked you out, Santa?" Caesar asked.

"W-Well, no," Santa sniffled. "I ran away before they could. But I knew it was coming! That new Lancer's spear is super-long, and her Attack is even higher than En-chan's! There's no way they'd keep me on the team!"

"But, if they didn't actually say that you're off the team, then how do you-" Caesar began.

"You all know it's true! Only the top three in any Class can stay on the main team! And I'm number four now!"

Abruptly, there were several loud knocks at the door. Guilles regretfully (as it required him to move away from Santa, which he was having a lot of trouble doing) answered the door, only to be nearly flattened as the current members of Team Lancer rushed into the apartment. In particular, a dragon-like tail swatted Guilles out of the doorway and sent him sprawling onto the floor.

"Santa-chan!" Elisabeth Bathory wailed, flinging herself onto the startled Santa. "Come back to us, please! We miss you so much!"

"Elly-chan?" Santa asked in surprise as Elisabeth cried all over her.

"You had us all worried, when you left without warning like that," Enkidu added. "Please, don't ever do that again."

"I'm so sorry, En-chan!" Santa cried.

"I fear this entire situation is all my fault."

Santa stiffened as Scathach knelt in front of her.

"You feel that I threatened your place in the team, and you didn't wish to be around me," Scathach murmured. "I apologize for any misunderstandings that my presence has caused, but the last thing I wanted was to cause a valued comrade to flee."

"But you're so much stronger-" Santa began.

Scathach shook her head. "You were away, so you did not hear. Master wishes to keep a healer in rotation. So your role has not changed at all, Santa. You are still on the team."

"Really? But I don't understand! If I'm still on the team, then who-?"

"Well, if you must know," Elisabeth interrupted, "I told Puppy that I wanted some time off to focus on my main career. My fans were getting restless, it's been ages since I put on a proper concert! So you see, Santa-chan, you don't need to feel threatened at all! You're still in the Top 3!"

Santa smiled hesitantly, then frowned and turned to Arturia Alter. "Um... I..."

"Your comrades need you," Arturia Alter said simply. "You must go."

"R-Right! But I'll be sure to visit when-"

Just then, another Lancer burst in. "Scathach-sensei! I have great news!"

Scathach stood up as Cu Chulainn ran to her. "What is it?"

"The gacha has been most kind! Master rolled a new four-star Lancer!"

Santa immediately froze. "I-It doesn't mean anything," she muttered. "I-I'm a healer, and a valued member of the-"

"Excuse me. I am searching for my new teammates, and was told I could find them here."

Everyone looked to the door and stared at the new Servant there.

"Team Rider is upstairs," Enkidu pointed out.

"I appreciate the information, but I am the new Lancer. Do not be deceived by my steed."

For the new Servant was indeed on horseback. Also an Alter. And an Arturia.

"NOOOOOOO!" Santa wailed, fleeing to Arturia Alter (Saber)'s room.

"Santa-chan, come back!" Elisabeth cried, running after her.

Scathach sighed and looked at Enkidu as the two Arturia Alters introduced themselves to each other. "Any ideas?"

Enkidu shook their head. "Don't look at me, I'm amazed she bought the healer thing, but this? Forget about it."

Next Chapter: Extra Friends with Benefits
Mysterious Heroine XX isn't happy about being stuck with the other Extras, until she learns about their side hustle.

Endnotes:

I forget exactly what my filter settings are, I think it's based on level. But Santa actually does come right before Arturia Alter every time, despite them both being at Lvl 80. Which often leads to me forgetting I have that second Arturia Alter.

Servant Spotlight!

Name: Arturia Pendragon Alter (Saber)
Nicknames: None (no one is brave enough...)
Class: Slashers (Boss of Team Saber)

Equipment:
Excalibur Morgan: She never goes anywhere without it, and tends to use it for inappropriate situations. Consequently, she is banned from playing golf, pool, and baseball ever again.

Class Skills:
Big Boss: A++
If she's not the strongest Servant, no one would ever say so.

Personal Skills:
End Boss: A++
Despite no confirmation, everyone is certain that she was the inspiration of the Boss concept.

Noble Phantasm:
Boss Music: EX
She doesn't actually have any, and yet, anytime she enters a room, everyone is clearly hearing some, and responds accordingly.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Jeanne d'Arc Alter Santa Lily, though no one is sure why.
Least Favorite Servant: Unknown, but chances are they've been Prismed by now.
Partner in Crime: Arturia Alter (Lancer), it's always good to have a pal with wheels. Um, hooves?
Hobbies: Doing everything like a Boss.
Personal Quote: I volunteered for the security team, but Shirou said I was over-qualified...

Name: Jeanne d'Arc Alter Santa Lily
Nicknames: Santa
Class: Spear-Its (official mascot of Team Lancer)

Equipment:
Travel Mug: You never know when you might come across instant hot chocolate mix.
Travel Gift Wrap Kit: You never know when you might come across an unwrapped gift.

Class Skills:
Every Day is Christmas: B
No joke, she's trying to have it legalized.

Personal Skills:
Infectious Cheer: B
When she's in a good mood, so is everyone around her.

Noble Phantasm:
Similarity Magnet: EX
She has an uncanny ability to get along well with Servants of the same type. So far, this includes children, Lancers, even other Alters.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Weak Lancers.
Least Favorite Servant: New, really strong Lancers.
Partner in Crime: Elisabeth Bathory, they keep team morale high with the threat of duets.
Hobbies: Singing carols, spreading cheer of all kinds, wrapping and delivering gifts.
Personal Quote: Happy Holidays!