Chapter Summary: Beowulf is a little too happy to have found a replacement in Jeanne Alter. She doesn't figure out why until it's too late.

FGO: Tales from the Second Archive
An FGO Fanfic by
Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)
Chapter 7: Boss Jeanne

It was all very strange. From the moment she had been summoned, Jeanne d'Arc was sure she would have to fight. After all, she was both an Alter, and more importantly, a Berserker. And once she had learned that Beowulf was the Berserker Boss, she was both sure she'd have to fight him, and determined to do so. If he was the toughest, it only made sense to pick a fight with him first. She couldn't let anyone make the mistake of thinking she was weak.

The fight had never happened, though. The second Beowulf had spotted her, he'd actually burst into tears of joy, hugged her, and then totally submitted to her before she could react.

It wasn't official yet, though. That was why they were attending the meeting, supposedly. Jeanne wasn't entirely convinced that she wouldn't have to fight someone, though. Really, she was sort of hoping she would have to. Beowulf kept saying he knew she was stronger than him, and there was no need for them to fight. But Jeanne had gotten herself worked up into a frenzy beforehand, so now it was a real letdown that there had been no battle. She wanted to hit someone. But if she randomly punched Beowulf in the head, or forced him to fight her, it wouldn't be satisfying. She wanted someone to agree to fight her, otherwise there was little point.

Naturally, when the pair of them were the first to arrive for the meeting, Jeanne was a little annoyed. "Hey, ossan. You said there was a meeting."

"There is," Beowulf confirmed. "Mash likes it when we're early, and you want her to like you."

"Why do I want that? Is she tough?"

"Not in the way you're thinking, but her liking you will make the transition easier."

Jeanne grunted and let the issue drop as she studied the conference room. There was little more than a large, round table, surrounded by chairs. Each chair was plainly labeled for a single Class. Beowulf had shown Jeanne to the Berserker seat, which was between the Ruler and Caster chairs. He, as Jeanne's second, would remain standing, as only the Bosses (and whoever Mash was) got to sit.

A few minutes later, a harmless-looking girl with a clipboard walked in. She had much the same reaction Beowulf did upon meeting Jeanne, only slightly more reserved: she shook Jeanne's hand with a surprising amount of eagerness. Jeanne started to wonder if maybe Beowulf had been the only other Berserker, if they were this happy to get one. Beowulf introduced the girl as Mash, who was still pumping Jeanne's hand up and down when they were joined by Shirou, who Jeanne had met briefly a few minutes earlier.

Strangely, at no point did anyone question why Jeanne was sitting in what had been, before today, Beowulf's chair. From this, Jeanne assumed that Servants, even Bosses, being replaced was frequent enough where it wasn't a big shock.

Other Servants began to enter in groups, and Beowulf identified each to Jeanne. Some made a point to introduce themselves to her, but others either went directly to their seats without speaking, or simply didn't speak to her. Beowulf did not indicate which Servants were Bosses, but he didn't need to. In every case, it was either obvious why someone was a Boss, or why the Servant accompanying them was a second.

Though he was sitting directly next to her, Caster Gilgamesh never said a word to Jeanne, and was entirely absorbed with putting his signature on nearly every page of a stack of contracts he brought with him. Every so often, he would hand part of the stack to Caster of Midrash, who took them and replaced them with even more pages for him to sign. She, however, did speak to Jeanne, if only to offer a greeting.

The Rider Boss was clearly absent, but it was equally clear why Ushiwakamaru and Medusa had been sent instead: they were quiet, efficient, and caused no problems.

Jack the Ripper was chewing gum, and the total lack of concern for what anyone would think of that, more than anything else, told Jeanne all she needed to know. Carmilla was annoyed by the gum chewing, and yet the fact that she never spoke up about it also told Jeanne all she needed to know there.

It was a little tricky with Scathach and Enkidu, at least until Scathach sat down. They alone seemed like powerful equals, to the point where Jeanne wouldn't have been surprised if they took turns being the Lancer Boss (she later found out this was more or less accurate).

Ishtar was permanently annoyed at her second, Chloe, who ignored everything around her in favor of chewing gum (Caster of Midrash had passed it out earlier). But in Chloe's case, it was less sheer confidence in her own power, and more a total lack of caring in general.

The very palpable aura of menace around Arturia Alter immediately identified her as the Saber Boss. The effect was lessened, if only slightly, by her second, who Beowulf had called "Katsushika-chan": a rather talkative girl, also chewing gum, who nearly everyone liked. Also she had brought her pet octopus for some reason.

Jeanne had suspected that a new Boss would be of some importance, but she was a little startled to learn that it was the sole reason for the meeting. After Mash introduced her, and reminded everyone (except Jeanne, as she was hearing it for the first time) that Beowulf would be immediately retiring, the meeting ended. And when Jeanne turned to demand answers from the man himself, he was no longer standing behind her chair. If not for the ding of the elevator as it started to descend, she would have had no idea what happened to him.

No one else looked surprised by Beowulf's vanishing act. Some seemed sympathetic toward Jeanne. Jack even gave her some gum.

After the meeting, Jeanne was still not free to track down Beowulf. Instead, Shirou made her aware of the surprisingly long list of duties that the Berserker Boss, as his immediate subordinate on the apartment security team, was responsible for. It sounded an awful lot like he was pushing all of his work onto her, but Mash assured Jeanne that even Shirou couldn't get away with never working. Apparently, their Master liked Mash far more than Shirou... which technically only meant that Mash was the one who could get away with never working, although she almost always was working despite that. Shirou still gave off the air of constantly getting away with something, especially when he promised Jeanne that her fellow Berserkers would be overjoyed to get her caught up with how things normally ran. That sounded less than promising, so Jeanne decided to delay hunting down Beowulf. If it came down to it, she was fully prepared to beat the other Berserkers into submission. It should be a good fight, if nothing else.

But, once again, there was, unfortunately, no fight.

When Jeanne stormed her way into the ground floor, ready to bust heads and chew gum (and truthfully, being fresh out of the gum Jack had given her earlier), what she got was thunderous applause from the three assembled Berser-girls. And in the case of the overly large Paul Bunyan, the applause was truly thunderous, or at least a remarkable impression of a thunderstorm.

"Welcome to the team, Boss Jeanne!" Atalanta Alter gushed, her tail wagging happily. "We're so happy to have you! Please accept this welcoming fur!" She tried to present Jeanne with what looked to be a very fresh pelt (if the still dripping blood was any indicator), but was knocked aside by Berserker of El Dorado, who was so excited that whatever she wanted to say dissolved into loud growls. Without warning, the two were suddenly pulling hair and clawing at each other, until Bunyan slammed them both to the floor with a single swat. Judging from the remarkably quick recovery time from the two swatted women, this was a common occurrence.

"Sorry about that," Atalanta apologized. "But we're so excited to have a woman in charge, finally!"

Jeanne started to ask what was wrong with Beowulf, then remembered that she was mad at him, too, and assumed that whatever the reason for their anger at him, he probably deserved it. "Right. So who was in charge when he wasn't around?"

"No one, really. We mostly fought it out every chance we got."

Jeanne blinked. "How do you ever get anything done, then?"

Atalanta gestured to Bunyan, who was calmly picking her nose. "Bunyan's our tie-breaker. She randomly picks one of us to side with, and that person gets to lead for the day."

"How do you know it's random?"

"She doesn't care who leads, so long as she doesn't have to do it."

That seemed true enough, Bunyan had looked more excited about the swatting than anything else that had happened so far.

"Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore, since you're our Boss now!" Atalanta insisted, her tail wagging faster than ever.

Berserker of El Dorado nodded rapidly. Bunyan stopped picking her nose and saluted crisply.

Jeanne was both relieved, and again disappointed, that there had been no fight (involving her, anyway). "Okay. So who wants to get me caught up on how things run around here?" She soon realized that giving them a choice had been a mistake, because Atalanta and Berserker of El Dorado immediately began growling at each other, until Bunyan raised a threatening hand to calm them. "On second thought, Atalanta, you do it."

"Yes, Boss Jeanne!" Atalanta almost barked, her tail practically blurring.

Berserker of El Dorado looked very hurt, and then felt it when Bunyan gave her a "gentle" pat on the head that once again left her sprawled on the floor.

Despite initial appearances, Jeanne found the Berser-girls to be fairly well-organized. Though without knowing for certain who came up with the structure, it was impossible to say if this was because of, or despite, Beowulf's handling. The biggest issue was avoiding fights that would regularly pop up, usually between random Servants, but even more frequently between two or more Berser-girls. These caused deviations from the regular patrol schedules, which only allowed things to get more out of hand without a constant security presence.

Bunyan was easily the most vital Berser-girl, as she covered ground quickly and broke up fights with ease... unless she was already in a fight with someone, in which case it was impossible to stop her until she'd flattened the offender, which rarely took more than an instant. In general, if Bunyan was well-fed and left alone, she was happy. The most frequent occurrence that resulted in her fighting was someone mistaking her trusty ox Babe for a boulder. For his part, Babe behaved exactly like a rock (which increased how often the mistakes happened), only moving at Bunyan's urging. The Berser-girls were the only ones who never made that particular mistake: they all loved Babe, and took turns feeding, washing, and walking him. Jeanne didn't understand the attraction, but so long as Babe caused no problems for her, and had a calming effect on her team, she liked him fine.

Atalanta and Beserker of El Dorado were generally the source of the in-fighting. But if caught in a sour mood, Frankenstein would fight anyone she came across, and Oda Nobunaga would often attack the nearest Servant for reasons ranging from boredom to wondering how musical their screams sounded. And, too, their shared tendency to attack males for almost any reason, or none at all, was especially problematic. It made Jeanne realize that perhaps Beowulf's eagerness to escape his duties had not been due to laziness, but self-preservation. Chacha, who had abandoned the Berser-girls for Team Rider, still openly talked about killing Beowulf if he returned, though this was more because he hadn't bought her enough presents. However, most of the Berser-girls wanted to kill Chacha for her betrayal, so her perspective was hardly valid.

Jeanne had noticed right away that Atalanta was especially eager to impress her. And since Atalanta did most of the cooking for the team, Jeanne had let it be known that she had a bit of a sweet tooth. She had thought that Atalanta would respond by adding a super sweet dessert to the menu.

Clearly, there was a misunderstanding somewhere.

Jeanne woke up to her second day as Boss to find a large sack at the foot of her bed. A note in Atalanta's handwriting indicated that it was "something sweet".

Then the sack began to shift frantically, as if something inside were fighting to get out.

Suspecting this could mean nothing good, Jeanne carefully opened the sack, and found the very much frightened and gagged face of Jeanne d'Arc Alter Santa Lily staring back at her. After a moment of complete confusion, Jeanne slowly removed the gag. Even then, Santa did not exactly looked as if she'd been saved. Probably, and with good reason, she thought Jeanne had ordered her kidnapping.

"A-Are you going to eat me?" Santa whispered fearfully.

"No." Jeanne paused. "But I'm starting to wonder if maybe someone else thought so."

Santa tried to dive back into the bag, but as her hands and feet were bound, this was hard to do.

Jeanne rolled her eyes. "Oh, stop it, shrimp. I said I'm not going to eat you. And I didn't tell anyone to stuff you in a sack, either. I guess I actually need to tell the girls not to do that anymore. Who knew?"

Santa hesitantly stopped trying to hide. "S-So... this was a mistake?" she asked hopefully.

Jeanne doubted very much that Atalanta had meant to kidnap anyone else. "Why don't we call it a misunderstanding? Anyway, let's get you out of these ropes."

Santa was only slightly calmer once freed. Obviously, she didn't want to hang around. But Jeanne pointed out that Atalanta would likely capture her again, since Jeanne hadn't given the order not to, yet. Both of them knew that was an excuse to force Santa to stay with Jeanne, but it was also true.

It helped that Atalanta was lurking immediately outside of Jeanne's room, completely justifying the capture theory.

"I'd love you know why you kidnapped Santa," Jeanne began, "but I'm also wondering if I really want to know why?"

"I want to know why!" Santa insisted, clinging to Jeanne's arm.

"I thought you should see the Servants that need your protection the most, Boss Jeanne," Atalanta explained.

Jeanne frowned. "But it seems like you're the one she needs protection from the most?"

"And now you can see that," Atalanta confirmed.

Predictably, this did not reassure Santa at all.

Jeanne sighed. "Look, I'd appreciate it if you didn't kidnap people, unless I tell you to."

Santa shot her an alarmed look. "No! You should tell her not to kidnap people, ever!"

"I understand, Boss Jeanne," Atalanta said with a nod. "I'll await your orders next time."

"No! No next time!" Santa hissed.

Jeanne patted Santa on the head. "I think being kidnapped makes people hungry, so how about some dinner?"

"Right away, Boss Jeanne!" Atalanta agreed, hurrying off to the kitchen.

Santa pouted at Jeanne. "Are you really going to let me leave?"

Jeanne avoided her eyes. "What? Of course I am, don't be silly. But you are hungry, right?"

"No," Santa said stubbornly.

"Little girls who eat plenty probably have an easier time fighting off kidnappers."

Santa hesitated. "I guess I could eat."

"Smart girl."

To no great surprise, Santa was given so much food at dinner that she was in no shape to go anywhere. Nor was she surprised to find that someone had obtained much of her belongings and stuffed them into Jeanne's room. And while Santa was still very upset over the kidnapping, she found she minded it a lot less, when she was able to brush her teeth with her own toothbrush, and sleep in her own pajamas.

She was not entirely positive that Jeanne had not ordered the kidnapping. Though, if Jeanne had not, then she had quickly gotten on board with the idea of Santa never leaving. Santa wasn't sure which idea bothered her more. Still, it was clear that Jeanne wanted Santa around, even if neither of them ever admitted it.

Santa was allowed to contact Team Lancer and tell them where she was. Suspiciously, they did not seem at all surprised, nor did they mind her extending her visit with the Berser-girls. Enkidu offered to bring the rest of Santa's things if she decided to stay even longer, but also to help her return if she changed her mind. Santa got the definite impression that Enkidu knew more than they were saying. But since Scathach offered to "talk" to any of the Berser-girls that gave Santa trouble, Santa knew they still cared about her. And Santa was not quite as mad at Atalanta anymore, since dinner had been delicious.

In the middle of the night, Santa woke up to find Jeanne carefully studying patrol schedules. She thought about what Atalanta had said about Servants needing protection. Even if it had been an excuse, it was probably true.

"Do you need any help with that?" Santa asked softly.

Jeanne looked at her. "Well... if you're going to stick around, would you mind patrolling with Oda tomorrow morning? She's a little scatter-brained, and tends to forget that she's working, if you don't watch her."

"Sure, I can do that." Santa paused. "Maybe... you could add egg nog to the menu?"

Jeanne grunted. "Shouldn't be too hard."

The following morning, Jeanne was eating breakfast when Atalanta hesitantly approached her.

"Boss Jeanne, I wanted to confirm some of these changes to the menu you requested?"

Having suspected this might come up, Jeanne nodded. "Go ahead."

"First, the addition of egg nog, hot chocolate, and apple cider to our drink list..."

"Yeah."

"The addition of warm milk and cookies as an actual meal?"

"Yeah."

"The addition of fruitcake, gingersnaps, and banana pudding as dessert items?"

"Yeah."

"The addition of candy canes and fudge brownies as snacks?"

"Yeah."

Atalanta frowned. "Boss Jeanne, are you sure you're feeling-"

"You took the kid. If you didn't want her to stick around, maybe you shouldn't have. I don't know why you really did it, but you did it. So don't blame me."

"It's not that. But... isn't this all a bit much?"

"I'll tell you why I'm doing it, if you tell me why you did it."

Atalanta nodded. "I noticed you were a bit uneasy, the first day. I thought if I gave you a clear purpose, a child that needed your protection personally, you would adapt quickly. I think I was right."

"Fair enough. I like having her around. There's nothing else to it."

Atalanta smiled. "If you say so, Boss Jeanne."

Jeanne, Enkidu, and Marie Antoinette stared at Mash as she lowered her clipboard.

"Do you three know why I called you here today?" Mash asked.

"Boredom?" Jeanne guessed.

Mash glared at her. "No. I'm getting reports that Servants under your command aren't sticking to their assigned living spaces."

"Reports from whom?" Enkidu asked.

"Not important. Can you confirm this, or do I actually need to list the examples I've been given?"

Marie Antoinette shrugged. "Chacha may have been spending a little more time in our heated pool lately, but-"

"I'm told she moved into the pool."

"That's an exaggeration. If anything, she lives at the mall, and occasionally sleeps in the pool."

Mash smiled tightly. "Where do they mail her online shopping catalogs?"

Marie deflated slightly. "The pool."

"Case closed."

"It's not as if Chacha can come back to the Berser-girls," Jeanne added. "She doesn't want to, and they really don't want her to. If you expect me to keep these girls in line, keeping Chacha far away from them is the best thing for that."

"Glad you spoke up, Jeanne. You've basically adopted Santa now?"

"Did you hear any complaints from her?"

"No. I heard the banana pudding is getting rave reviews. Because the Berser-girls refuse to share."

"If the Lancers aren't going to eat it-"

"You mean if we don't have to eat it anymore-" Enkidu corrected.

"But all of the Riders are behaving themselves?" Marie interrupted.

Mash glared at her. "Technically. Although according to this postcard I got today, Alexander and several other Servants went on a male bonding trip with Beowulf. But since the trip itself was approved, if not how many Servants would be participating, I can't be too upset about that. Officially. But there have been reports of Archer Ishtar spending more time in your pool, as well."

"She needs to relax. Like Beowulf did. If we can provide that without her needing to take an extended vacation, isn't that better for everyone?"

Mash shook her head slightly. "Let me be clear: it's not that you're allowing these things that is the issue. It's that you didn't get approval for them first. Of course we want Servants to live in harmony. But it's also vital that we know where everyone is, in case of sudden events. So if Santa is staying with the Berser-girls, we need to know that. Same goes for the others. And before you say anything, we'll deal with Beowulf and his pals when they get back. If things continue the way they have been, we'll have to get to get more strict about enforcing the rules."

"More strict than the Berser-girls randomly attacking even when there has been no crime committed?" Enkidu asked.

"Yes," Mash snapped. "That's pretty much the opposite of strict rule enforcement, as far as Master is concerned. Which is why the enforcement would be worse than that."

"It's hard to see how."

"Enforcement would be when you do something wrong, you come out of it feeling worse than if you'd been attacked by a Berser-girl. We now have the means to make that possible. I strongly suggest you don't make it necessary. Master doesn't want to go down that route unless there's no other way."

"This is my full report on the male bonding retreat," Sieg said, carefully placing the stack of papers on the desk.

"This seems very... detailed," Irisviel murmured, picking up the first page.

"You asked me to pay close attention. And I wasn't entirely sure what you were expecting, so I wrote down everything I could remember. Beowulf spent most of the time sparring with Heracles, and left the handling of the actual event to Spartacus... who told us to do whatever we wanted, but immediately tried to fight anyone who even attempted to suggest an activity, screaming that they were oppressors. It was... odd."

"Did you have fun?" Irisviel asked.

Sieg blinked. "Yes. Alexander taught me how to fish. Well, he showed me the general idea of how fishing is supposed to work. I wasn't very good, but he said I could change that with practice."

"Then I suspect it is true. Kings tend to have a good eye for potential. And, in general, I think your potential for learning is quite high, Sieg."

Sieg could never tell if she was being truthful, nice, both at the same time, or neither when she complimented him like that. "Beowulf mentioned possible changes to the security force, but he offered no details."

"Oh, you don't need to worry about that. You never do anything bad, for one thing. And for another, we already know what the changes involve."

Sieg hesitated. "You are referring to yourself and some others when you say 'we', but not me, I take it."

Irisviel smiled. "I suppose it would be safe to tell you. You are a member of Team Caster, and I have not been ordered to keep the details from you. Even so, if someone demanded answers from you, I'd prefer if you could truthfully say you don't know anything."

"I will trust your discretion, then," Sieg decided.

"I appreciate that, Sieg. Now, I know this was more of a working vacation for you, but I could really use your help."

"Is there some spellwork that you-"

"Oh, no. Well, not really. I need you to try this." Irisviel placed a pan on the desk. There was something in it. The something was yellow, smoking, and had ominous purple and green spots in it.

"What is that?" Sieg asked fearfully.

"Banana pudding. Or it's supposed to be. I've never used spells to make food before. Mash asked me to try, since the Berser-girls won't share theirs." She pushed the pan a little closer to him.

Sieg took a slow step back. "You know, Alexander was telling me how much he loved trying exotic foods. Why don't I go get-"

"Absolutely not! I couldn't bear it if the other Classes knew I'm this bad at cooking!"

Sieg hesitated. "Okay. I will try it."

"And no turning into a dragon first, your taste buds won't be... SIEG!" Irisviel cried in dismay as Sieg made a wild dive for the door.

Next Chapter: Extra Friends, with Badges
The Royal Uruk Conglomerate sponsors new additions to the security force.

Endnotes:

I do have male Berserkers, but they are vastly outnumbered. On the other hand, you don't know how happy I was to get my second Jeanne. Who effectively did replace Beowulf as my lead Berserker.

Servant Spotlight!

Name: Jeanne d'Arc (Alter Berserker)
Nicknames: Boss Jeanne
Class: Beatemups (Boss of Team Berser-girl)

Class Skills:
Beowulf's Beloved: A
The long awaited sap... uh, successor, has arrived, and he couldn't be happier about it.

Personal Skills:
Witch Is the Boss: A
People have a habit of submitting to her on sight, so she rarely gets to fight.

Noble Phantasm:
Dragonblaze: EX
A dragon's fire warms its young, and incinerates its foes. For its young, there is no embrace more comforting. For its foes, there is no greater hell.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Unknown, she'd never admit it.
Least Favorite Servant: Beowulf.
Partner in Crime: Santa, if stuffing themselves with sweets counts as crime.
Hobbies: Looking for fights, eating sweets.
Personal Quote: So if Chacha went to the Riders, any chance we can trade Beowulf for Anne and Mary?

Name: Atalanta Alter (Berserker)
Nicknames: Lanty
Class: Beatemups (member of the Berser-girls)

Equipment:
Boar Pelt: It keeps her warm. So would a coat, but that would be far less of a conversation piece.

Class Skills:
On the Hunt: A
Always has super fresh (bleeding) pelts on hand. Best not to ask too many questions about them.

Personal Skills:
Grisly Butcher: B
A self-taught cook. Very strict on nutrition. Likes to force fresh meat on people.

Noble Phantasm:
Guardian of Fluff: EX
If it's fluffy, soft, or mushy, she will protect it with all her strength.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Boss Jeanne!
Least Favorite Servant: Chacha.
Partner in Crime: Berserker of El Dorado, though their rivalry gets in the way a lot.
Hobbies: Fighting, hunting, protecting children.
Personal Quote: Finally, a worthy Boss!