Chapter Summary: The Royal Uruk Conglomerate sponsors new additions to the security force.

FGO: Tales from the Second Archive
An FGO Fanfic by
Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)
Chapter 8: Extra Friends, with Badges

Mash had been the one constant at every meeting. She never stopped working, and that was no exaggeration. Her absence at this meeting, then, was a both surprise and a source of some concern.

Shirou was fully capable of leading a meeting without Mash, but even he seemed off-balance somewhat. He kept throwing anxious glances at Mash's empty chair, a clear sign that he missed her.

Ishtar decided to voice what they were all thinking, in her usual impatient goddess way. "Where's Mash?" she demanded.

Shirou visibly flinched. "She's... on vacation."

Ishtar blinked. "Is that actually true?"

"It's what I was told."

"And you were told by?"

"Master."

Ishtar backed down at once. Mash was normally the only Servant who spoke directly with their Master. If Shirou was now in that role, Mash was definitely out of action.

"Did Master indicate how long Mash would be away?" Enkidu asked.

Shirou hesitated a bit too long. "Not exactly."

"What aren't you telling us?" Ushiwakamaru asked.

"I'm sorry, but I was told to say nothing more than what I've already told you. I'm sure Mash would appreciate your interest in her well-being. I know I do. But part of the reason she stepped away was because she was confident in our ability to function in her absence. I'd like to prove Mash right. And in that spirit, I think we should get to the primary reason for this meeting. As you've been warned more than once, Master wishes to improve some aspects of our security. Initially, Mash and I had hoped that you, the Bosses, would be able to meet those expectations without any further interference from us. But that hasn't happened, so now things will become a bit more... drastic."

"Drastic as in taking Mash away?" Ishtar suggested.

Shirou stared at her in genuine shock. "What? No, of course not. Mash was very much aware of the changes. She was the only one who Master told, in fact. Her vacation was requested only recently, well after the changes were finalized. As far as I know, the two aren't in any way connected."

"But it sounds like even you don't know exactly what the changes are."

"I didn't know the details," Shirou admitted. "What I did know was that Master intended to expand the security force. The Berser-girls have become more reliable under Jeanne's leadership, but we're still having some incidents of deliberate rule-breaking, even among them. These new enforcers will put a stop to that. Master has assured me that they can accomplish this with minimal disruption to our normal routine."

"But you don't actually know who they are," Ishtar insisted.

"They have to be Servants that he summoned, and as his only Ruler, I have knowledge of them all."

"And that doesn't strike you as odd? If you know us all, and these enforcers have to be stronger than us Bosses, then shouldn't simple process of elimination tell you exactly who they are?"

Shirou opened his mouth to respond, and then froze. His eyes bulged with sheer terror as his gaze slid to the window, where outside, he could easily see the still form of Giant Mecha Eli-chan Mark II, positioned right where she had been for months: looming over the apartment complex, but from a reasonably safe distance. In theory.

"What?" Ishtar snapped, starting to get nervous from his delayed reaction. "What is it?"

"Master," Shirou whispered, his voice hollow. "Surely, you would never-"

The soft chime of the elevator door drew their combined attention, just in time for the opposite wall to explode inward, showering them with debris.

"What a big mess," the girl who emerged from the elevator sighed. "Was that absolutely necessary, Mark II?"

From the new, gaping hole in the wall, a silver, gleaming form floated into the room, her flight powered by jets in her feet. "I am told that first impressions are of extreme importance, Commander."

"Hell yeah! That was so awesome!" agreed the female Servant riding on Mark II's back, hopping to the floor.

"Who are these people?!" Ishtar shouted irritably.

Shirou stared at the trio with growing dread. "They're the new additions to the security force, apparently. I was not told that this-"

"I don't think I'm required to explain everything to you, Shirou," one of the girls said, her eyes dancing with glee.

Shirou winced. "Hello, Sitonai. Master didn't tell me that you were coming."

"I asked him not to. I wanted to be a big surprise. Just. For. You. Onii-chan!"

Shirou shuddered, visibly disturbed. "Consider me very surprised, then."

"I do. And as much as I'd like to spend all my time catching up with you, I have a job to do." Sitonai turned her cool gaze on the assembled Servants. "I am Sitonai, Commander of the Royal Uruk Security Force, and effective immediately, my squad will be in charge of your apartment security. Jeanne and the Berser-girls will now report directly to me. Oh, and Shirou will do the same."

"Hold it!" Shirou snapped. "Master told me that the new additions would be working with me. Not that they would be in command of the whole security force."

Sitonai slowly turned to face him. "Are you contradicting me, Shirou?" she asked softly.

Shirou froze. "Uh... no?"

"Good. Because that wouldn't be smart." She snapped her fingers, and an enormous polar bear appeared at her side. "And then I could only count on this Shirou to make me happy." She seized the bear's muzzle and nuzzled it, placing several loud kisses on his head.

"You named your bear after me?" Shirou asked.

"Of course not. Your name is Shirou Kotomine. His name is Shirou Haza Fuzzybutt. Completely different."

"It... what?!" Shirou sputtered. "That can't possibly-!"

"And why not? I think it's a lovely, lovely name!" Sitonai stroked the bear's head tenderly.

Shirou glared at her. "You won't get away with this!"

"I already have, with Master's blessing." Sitonai gestured to her two companions. "I'm sure you remember Mark II and Mysterious Heroine XX? They are my trusted Enforcers. Giant Mark II has been upgraded with a state of the art, deluxe observation package. If there is any wrongdoing to be found, she will see it, and instantly transmit the intel to Mark II, allowing for ultra-rapid response time. As for XX, she's only working for us part-time, but she's already shown such promise that she's been entrusted with our signature Type EE ordinance."

Shirou gasped, then turn to glare at Ishtar. "Type EE better not mean what I think it does!"

"Why are you looking at me?" she cried. "I don't know what Goldie is involved in when he's not fighting me! Anyway, didn't you hear her? She said Royal Uruk! That means all the Gils are in on it!" And she turned to glare at Caster Gilgamesh, who returned her gaze calmly.

"Is that true, Gilgamesh?" Shirou asked.

"Master required vast amounts of funding to realize this project," Gilgamesh replied. "It was only natural that he approach us for aid."

"We don't care about the money!" Ishtar shrieked. "We want to know if Type EE means what we think it does!"

Gilgamesh smirked. "If you never offer a reason to experience it personally, then you have nothing to fear. Or are you planning to defy Master's rules, you troublesome goddess?"

Mark II immediately trained her numerous weapons all on Ishtar, who froze and glared at her defiantly.

"I'm sure Ishtar is wise enough not to do that," Sitonai said, gesturing for Mark II to relax.

"So this is what Mash meant by enforcement?" Enkidu murmured.

Sitonai nodded. "It is, indeed. But if you have more questions, you can ask her when she returns."

Ishtar glared at her. "So Mash is coming back? She didn't have some sort of... accident?"

Sitonai laughed. "Is that what you've been thinking this whole time? No, Mash really is on vacation. I can even show you proof, if you want." She produced a document and offered it for inspection.

As far as evidence went, it was hard to argue with. In theory. But the content itself was the issue. If the document could be believed, Mash not only gave Sitonai permission to freeze her for a period of no less than a week, but to also have Gorgon personally guard her body during that time (a revelation that bothered Medusa greatly). In any case, Mash's signature was at the bottom, and they had all seen it enough times to know that it was authentic.

"It doesn't make any sense. Why would Mash do this?" Shirou asked.

"Because she needed a vacation, but she can't sleep and is practically allergic to the idea of relaxing," Sitonai explained. "This was the only way to get her to stop doing anything for more than a minute. I wasn't happy about it, either, but if this helps her at all, I'll gladly do it any time."

"No, I meant why would she not tell me about this?" Shirou clarified.

"She probably knew you'd never agree to it," Sitonai answered. "Anyway, it was her choice to make. Again, you can ask her all about it when she returns. But even when she does, she will tell you exactly what I'm telling you: I'm in charge of security now."

Several Servants, Shirou included, looked like they were going to argue. And both Mark II and XX looked ready, even eager, to respond with force. But then, something important happened.

Altaria Alter stood up.

Everyone else froze.

Altaria Alter stared at Sitonai, who readied her fingers to snap.

Shirou Haza Fuzzybutt began to growl softly, sensing a clear threat to his mistress.

XX moved forward a few inches, more than ready to attack the most powerful Saber.

Altaria Alter slowly placed her hand on Excalibur Morgan's hilt, which began to glow and hum in anticipation of use.

Sitonai snapped her fingers.

Given the situation, everyone expected an absolute monster of a Servant to appear. And indeed, Sitonai fully intended to summon a certain Berserker to her side, having made a contract with him earlier.

The Servant that did appear brought the impending fight to a screeching halt, though perhaps not in the expected way.

"Hello, everyone!" Irisviel said cheerfully.

Sitonai stared, and then slowly looked at her fingers, trying to figure out what she'd done wrong. Then her chin was gently seized and turned to Irisviel, who beamed and planted a kiss in the center of Sitonai's forehead.

"Hello, my Illya," Irisviel cooed.

Sitonai blushed. "Wha... where's Berserker?!"

"Oh, busy moving some heavy things where I left him. I thought I would be a more appropriate choice for this occasion."

"What? Why?! We're about to fight!"

Irisviel smiled. "I really doubt that."

At some point, Altaria Alter had quietly sat back down, and XX, thoroughly disappointed, had retreated to her original spot at Mark II's side.

And all of the unruly Servants seemed equally unwilling to fight, at least in Irisviel's presence.

"But!" Sitonai protested. "But!"

"Yes?" Irisviel asked pleasantly.

Sitonai scowled. "I guess if no one's going to challenge my authority, there is no need for a fight anymore." She paused, waiting for, and possibly hoping for, anyone to speak against her.

Irisviel turned to the group. "Everyone, I know this is a really big change. But I would ask you all to give my Illya a chance. I am sure you will find her to be a capable protector. Also, I've been authorized to tell you that for every month where we have a record low of problematic incidents, the Royal Uruk Conglomerate will sponsor a free pizza party for all Servants, with cake and ice cream."

There was a murmur of general approval at this, even if some were still wary of Sitonai.

Irisviel turned to Sitonai. "There, you see? It all worked out."

"Yes, it did," Sitonai admitted reluctantly. "But I could have handled it without your help!"

"I'm sure you would have. But you didn't need to. And I wanted to help you." Without looking, Irisviel reached out and grabbed Shirou, who had been trying to sneak past her unnoticed. "And this way, we have more free time to spend with each other, as a family."

"No, I'm very busy," Shirou claimed.

"As the one you now report to, I know for a fact that isn't true," Sitonai reminded him with a smirk.

As promised, a little over a week later, Mash returned to work, and was received with much enthusiasm from the Servants. She was forbidden to walk, at least at first, so Heracles carried her everywhere on Sitonai's orders. Mash would have preferred a wheelchair, but Heracles was effective at keeping her from being overwhelmed by eager well-wishers.

The increased security measures were met with only one significant instance of resistance: Chloe was caught attempting to sneak into the Rider spa after hours without permission. Normally, the punishment for this would have been quite strict, if left up to Ishtar. If Chloe were older, for example, Mary and Anne would have been allowed to beat her severely. Sitonai's suggestion was far more humane, but also more humiliating: Chloe was spanked by Irisviel in front of all the other Archers, and made to perform forty hours of community service by cleaning the Rider spa with a toothbrush (not her own, thankfully). Mash felt the community service alone would have been enough, but Sitonai insisted that Chloe would repeatedly test boundaries if she wasn't punished adequately.

Consequently, the general feeling among the Servants was not so much that Sitonai would be unusually strict with rule-breakers, but that she would take perverse pleasure in their extreme humiliation. Either way, Giant Mark II reported far fewer incidents that first month, so the pizza party was a go. Chloe and a few other Servants did not attend, but this was thought to be part of her punishment, as well.

"Please pass the cream and sugar, Shirou," Irisviel requested.

Visibly uncomfortable, Shirou passed the cream and sugar to Chloe, who passed them to Irisviel.

"Thank you. How was everyone's day? Chloe, is your cute little tushie doing okay?"

Chloe bit back her first reply, her face burning. "It's doing fine, thanks. Can we talk about anything else, please?!"

Irisviel patted Chloe's hand. "I'm sorry I was little rough on you, sweetie. But it had to look convincing."

"But that's the thing, it didn't need to! Sitonai was perfectly happy to force people into obeying her!"

"Yes, but I wanted to avoid that," Irisviel explained calmly. "I wanted the transition to be as seamless as possible. The only casualty was your-

"Please stop bringing that up!"

"Why?" Sitonai asked, grinning at Chloe. "I think it's adorable. Your tushie, too."

Chloe glared at her. "You owe me big time for this, and I won't let you forget it."

"No problem. I can get you a year's supply of ointment, if you-"

"Stop talking unless you want me to leap across this table and strangle you!"

"Oh, I don't think you actually meant that, Chloe," Sitonai purred, batting her eyelashes. "Such bad behavior at our family tea party would surely deserve another spanking, this one very much authentic. And you're not a bad girl, are you?"

"Hey, I put my butt on the line for you people! I'm allowed to be mad about it! Especially when you keep bringing it up!"

"What if Shirou applies the ointment for you?" Sitonai suggested happily. "Would that make you feel better?"

Shirou immediately dropped the butterknife he was holding. "W-What?!" he gasped. He was even more disturbed to see that Chloe did not looked equally repulsed by the idea. "C-Chloe, you're not actually considering this, are you?!"

"It hurts real bad, onii-chan," Chloe murmured, winking at him. "Rub it and make it better?"

"I hate you all," Shirou grumbled.

"Did you say something, Shirou?" Irisviel asked.

"No," he sighed.

"You've been looking so down lately. Do you miss your girlfriend that much?"

"For the last time," Shirou growled, "Mash is not my girlfriend!"

"You knew exactly who she meant, though," Sitonai happily pointed out. "We all did."

Shirou turned bright red. "Mash is my co-worker, and a valued friend. I care for her very much, but-"

"Speak up, I'm not sure she caught that last part," Chloe cut in.

Shirou froze, then turned slowly, and gaped in horror at the sight of Heracles looming over the tea party, with Mash perched high on his shoulder, looking thoroughly red herself.

"I thought it would be nice to invite Mash," Irisviel explained. "Since, girlfriend or not, we all know you've very fond of her, Shirou. And no one is saying she can't be your girlfriend one day."

"I'm saying it, if it means I have to endure more moments like this," Mash chimed in.

"Does that mean you won't be joining our tea party?"

"It would be rude, to show up in person only to say that." Mash nodded to Heracles, who carefully lowered her into the empty chair next to Sitonai. "I take it there are no hard feelings about the spanking, Chloe?"

"Only if you ask her tushie," Sitonai murmured into her teacup.

Chloe threw a cookie at Sitonai.

Irisviel shook her head. "Now, girls. Behave yourselves. Mash isn't family yet, which makes her our guest. That isn't how we behave in front of company."

"So we can have food fights in front of Mash if Shirou marries her?" Chloe asked gleefully.

In that moment, there was a large distraction, in the form of a hooded man appearing behind the final empty seat next to Shirou. He seemed quite lost, or at least not expecting to find himself at a tea party.

Shirou was thankful, and asked, "Can we help you?"

The man slowly drew back his hood, possibly expecting that he might have to consume food. "I'm new. Master said I should probably be here. He wasn't clear on why."

"You definitely belong here," Chloe said quickly. "See, look! Your cloak matches up!"

The man looked. Shirou and Chloe were both wearing red. Just as he was. "I... see."

"That also means you sit on our side. Go ahead!"

"Ah." The man slowly took his seat. "I don't think I've ever been to a tea party. I'm not sure what to do."

Shirou smiled at him. "Would you be more comfortable if I suggested that perhaps you were sent here to put me out of my misery?"

The man stared at him. "Actually? Yes."

Shirou burst into happy tears. "Blessings on you, good sir!"

Shaking his head, EMIYA picked up a cookie, and wondered why such a thing felt more complicated than murder.

"Shirou, this is wholly unnecessary," Mash said for the third time.

"That's part of what makes it so much fun for me," Shirou admitted as he carried her into the apartment.

Over Mash's protests, and in light of her temporarily diminished state, Mash had been assigned a living space among the Extras. It had no bed, but what it did have was an enormously comfortable armchair, with firmness settings and massage options. And Shirou insisted on carrying her to it.

Mash had noticed that Shirou was behaving strangely around her now. He seemed very happy that she was back, but that in itself was the strange part. He refused to argue with her, even when she purposely provoked him. They had never actively disliked each other, but now Mash felt that Shirou liked her a little too much. And all that girlfriend talk from his "family" had only made her more uneasy. Oh, Shirou had protested, to her relief, but never quite as strongly as Mash would have preferred. Almost as if he were afraid of either hurting her feelings, or convincing her that he really didn't want her for a girlfriend, when he actually did.

And if she were being honest, the main issue was not that Mash found Shirou unappealing in any way. It was that they were co-workers, and altering their relationship in that way would only complicate things to an unacceptable degree. She didn't even want to imagine the amount of paperwork it would generate. But if she told Shirou that, it would only encourage him to do his best to change her mind. Plus, she had already collected evidence that his feelings for her were distracting him as it was. That would only get worse if he were expected to think about her most of the time.

The obvious solution was to make herself unavailable, and the most obvious method, lying and saying she had a boyfriend, looked as if it would be more trouble than Mash actually wanted to invest in. Also, she would not put it past Shirou to try to win her heart with a courageous display of foolish manly pride, like beating up her pretend boyfriend. So Mash needed a fake significant other that Shirou would never try to attack under any circumstances.

Sitonai was the first person that came to mind, but that felt a bit too incestuous, or perhaps just heartbreaking for Shirou. Chloe would be even worse, as she would enjoy the act too much, and would be perfectly happy to fight Shirou.

So, once Mash was situated in her chair, she said the following: "By the way, I'm dating Gorgon now. It's going well, I think." Her choice was simple: Gorgon had done an excellent job of guarding Mash's frozen body during her time off, was intimidating enough where most Servants avoided her on principle alone, and held the title of Unnatural Disaster on the Royal Uruk Security Force, which essentially meant that if she was attacked in any way, neither she nor her employer could be held responsible for any resulting devastation.

Shirou did not faint. What he did do was put out a shaky hand to steady himself on a nearby wall... but since the wall was on the opposite side, he missed it entirely and fell onto the floor, and made no immediate move to rise.

Mash sighed and started going through the pile of mail that had accumulated. The first piece was a note from Master, reminding her that the First Annual Holiday Three-Legged Race would be held in a few days, sponsored by some organization called Heavenly Hosting. Mash wasn't familiar with the name, and so didn't give it much thought, so long as someone else was footing the bill.

The following morning, there was an unannounced meeting in the apartment parking lot.

Jean d'Arc Alter Santa Lily seemed to be the only Servant attending, at first. She was accompanied by Babe the Blue Ox, and was feeding him cold pizza.

Jack the Ripper joined them a few minutes later, looking half-asleep. "Will this take long?"

"No, Jack," Santa replied. "Sorry you had to get up so early, but this is really important."

Jack whistled sharply, and was instantly surrounded by the shadowy forms of various Hassans. If they were expecting grisly orders, they were somewhat puzzled by Jack's command of: "Do whatever she says," followed by a point aimed at Santa.

Santa indicated a red wagon she had brought with her, which was filled with fliers for the three-legged race, and several jars of a curious fluid. "I need all these fliers posted around the apartment complex within an hour, before everyone wakes up." She picked up a jar. "You can use this to paste them on the walls. It's ox saliva, so it should work great."

The Hassans all looked at Jack, who was starting to nod off. Perhaps they took that as approval. An instant later, they were gone, along with the fliers and the jars.

Santa took out a tiny notepad and flipped to a page entitled "Nice" in bold letters. She added the names of each Hassan to the list, just under "Heavenly Hosting". As an afterthought, she doodled some sweaters for gift ideas. Wearing all that black year-round couldn't possibly be comfortable, she thought.

Santa did not notice Medusa lurking behind a parked car, watching her every move. And even if she had, she probably only would have invited Medusa to share some fruitcake with her.

Mark II turned away from the security feed that her giant partner had uploaded to their private server. "Commander, is using children to further an evil plot allowed?"

Sitonai paused and turned to stare at Mark II, who was patiently awaiting an answer. "Depends. Are the children being harmed, and are they at all related to me?"

"No to both."

"Who is doing the plotting?"

"Technically, a single divine entity."

"How evil is this plot?"

"It involves mass misdirection, minor theft, and the revival of a divine beast that could potentially destroy the entire complex, for starters."

"How likely is that last part, though?"

"Not very, as it would leave the plotters homeless."

Sitonai shrugged. "Then we'll deal with it later, once it gets truly interesting."

Next Chapter: Running with Yourself
Heavenly Hosting sponsors a three-legged race, with a catch: both participants on each team must share a legal name.

Endnotes:

I was hoping to get the other Mecha Eli this year, but no Halloween event this time. I have to assume Space Ishtar is a decent trade off. I have to assume, because I wouldn't know. Oh well, I get a new welfare Santa instead.

Servant Spotlight! - Royal Uruk Security Force Edition

Name: Mecha Eli-chan Mark II
Nicknames: Mark II, Partner, Deathbot
Class: Giant (Enforcer of the Royal Uruk Security Force)

Equipment:
Self: Don't let her hear you say that, though.
Type EE Ordinance: Her weapons are especially effective against Servants.
Giant Mark II: A giant version of herself that she keeps near the apartment, for... reasons.

Class Skills:
Threat to Servantkind: A++
There is no Servant she isn't a threat to.

Personal Skills:
Threat to Humanity: A++
There is no human she isn't a threat to.

Noble Phantasm:
Pointy Obliteration: EX
Rumor has it that if she points at someone, Giant Mark II will instantly target them for a missile barrage.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Troublemakers who give her every reason to correct them.
Least Favorite Servant: Well-behaved ones who give her no reason to correct them.
Partner in Crime: Giant Mark II, the even more lethal version of herself.
Hobbies: Observing, patrolling, enforcing, firing missiles, obliterating.
Personal Quote: Order will be maintained at all costs. To you.

Name: Sitonai
Nicknames: Illya, Ice Illy
Class: ? (Commander of the Royal Uruk Security Force)

Equipment:
Shirou Haza Fuzzybutt: Her faithful and appropriately named polar bear companion.

Class Skills:
Cold Snap: A++
By snapping her fingers, she can instantly teleport an allied Servant to her side.

Personal Skills:
Brother Complex: A
When it comes to Shirous, they all belong to her. So she can torment them however she wishes.

Noble Phantasm:
Frozen Goddess: EX
She has the clear advantage on any winter combat field... but only so she can quickly get back inside and warm up.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Shirou Kotomine, she loves tormenting him.
Least Favorite Servant: Shirou Kotomine, when he runs away from her.
Partner in Crime: Anyone who likes teasing Shirou.
Hobbies: Commanding, pranking, riding on overly large protectors.
Personal Quote: Technically, both Shirous have fuzzy butts, and I have pictures to prove it!