Notes: Just got Gray (yay!) from the Reines event. I was locked out the last time it came around, but not this time.

FGO: Tales from the Second Archive
An FGO Fanfic by
Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)
Chapter 13: Cat Friends, with Clubs

As had been stated many times before, Mash did not sleep. The reasons were complex, but boiled down to extreme PTSD and the sugar-caffeine concoction constantly pumping through her veins.

This meant that Mash could not be woken up. Which was good, since apparently her new roommate Clytie also did not sleep. And neither did Clytie's two friends, Katsushika and Da Vinci, who either moved in without saying so, or simply never left.

They were truly starving artists, in that every time Mash saw them, they were either painting or eating. And they did both in massive amounts.

Mash did not eat much, thankfully, but if she had been in the habit, then she would have lost considerable weight due to the new arrangement.

Clytie was very much organized (in the sense that she alone could find exactly what she needed in her messes at any point) when it came to anything art-related, but completely scatterbrained when it came to much else. Mash figured out very quickly that if she wanted to live in a clean space, she would either need to move to another room, or clone herself and have the clone do all of the housework on a nonstop loop. Clytie had to be reminded to clean, and generally created a bigger mess even when she attempted to clean. So it was best left to anyone else... but Mash didn't want to be solely responsible for cleaning, either.

The solution to this occurred without Mash actually having to do anything.

On Clytie's third day in the apartment, Mash was lured into the kitchen by breakfast smells and sounds, where she found two fox-girls. Mash's immediate concern was not hygiene: one of the fox-girls was dressed as a maid, and both looked very clean. The maid was cooking what looked and smelled like a delicious breakfast, and the other was carefully fanning the food with her multiple tails so that the residents would be drawn by the smell, as Mash had. The pair made a great team.

Until they noticed Mash and started competing for her attention, which nearly resulted in hair-tearing and blood spray. Mash managed to calm them down by discovering, quite by accident, that both responded extremely well to head pats and ear scratches... but only if convinced the other fox-girl hadn't gotten more of the affection.

Mash's arms were starting to get tired, and her breakfast lukewarm, when Clytie appeared, with Katsushika and Da Vinci. None of them seemed surprised at all by the scene that awaited them, which did not make Mash happy.

"Does anyone want to let me know about any of this?" Mash asked.

"Oh, them?" Da Vinci asked. "Aren't they adorable? They're your new housepets!"

The only thing more surprising than the absurdity of that statement, in Mash's mind, was that neither fox-girl objected to it.

"You mean they're sla-"

"Servants," Da Vinci interrupted. "They're free to stop at any time. But they won't. Because, for some reason I do not understand, they actually like you. You are obviously uncomfortable with the idea of having a pair of live-in maids." A beautiful smile bloomed on Da Vinci's face. "This pleases me greatly."

Mash was not sure how to react, and so requested, "Please explain."

"They were summoned recently, and they looked lonely, so I thought I'd bring them here."

Mash frowned. "Who gave you the authority to randomly assign new Servants to places they don't belong?"

Da Vinci smiled again. It was a beautiful smile, which could only be expected. But all the same, it was not a pleasant smile. It was a smile full of deepest loathing and unrelenting revenge. And Mash knew perfectly well why. But in case she'd forgotten, it was neatly explained to her.

"You did," Da Vinci answered. "When you bought my shop right out from under me, my drop rate in the summoning pool increased, as I had so much free time then. So when I was summoned, Clytie recognized my warm and bubbly personality, and invited me to the new Club Council. And the first club we jointly established was the Well-Come-On-In Wagon. Meaning, not only do I personally greet new Servants, I recommend where they should go. So you see, I didn't randomly assign them. I purposefully, and with malice aforethought, brought them here. So they do belong here. With you. Since they're yours now."

Mash stared, feeling very much like a cornered animal. "I see."

"No, I don't think you do. You haven't heard the best part." Da Vinci turned to the fox-girls. "Go on, ladies. Introduce yourselves to Mash."

The fox-girls, without looking at each other, said in unison, "We can't. Mash hasn't named us yet."

Mash was rapidly passing being annoyed and settling firmly on being alarmed. "What?! You have names, you must!"

"We will when you give them to us," the fox-girls responded.

Mash grabbed Da Vinci and shook her. "What have you done to them?!"

"Nothing," Da Vinci replied. "You would need to talk to Flo. Actually, no, I'll just tell you. They've been chipped. They are pets, you see."

"And that erased their memories?"

"No. They both agreed to sign away their names. And no, they can't get them back. Signing a name away to BB definitely does not work that way."

"You got BB involved in this?!"

"Yes. I was quite determined to have my revenge, you see." Da Vinci smiled again, causing Mash to shudder. "Well. You enjoy them, now. If you can." Da Vinci did not chuckle fiendishly and rub her hands together with glee, but it was a very close thing.

"You are exceedingly petty."

"So long as I get to be smug, I don't really care what you think." It was tremendously difficult to continue looking smug with an entire omelette stuffed into her mouth, but Da Vinci managed it beautifully, and after some swift chewing and swallowing, turned to her companions. "Ladies? Shall we get back to work?"

"Wait!" Mash shouted. "We're supposed to go over clubs! Clytie, you promised!"

"Hmm, she's right," Clytie sighed. "You two had better get started without me, this might take some time."

Da Vinci seemed slightly annoyed, but didn't argue as she and Katsushika left the kitchen.

Mash was determined that the arrangement would not satisfy Da Vinci's desire for revenge. So she turned to the fox-girls and said, "I don't know you well enough to give you good names yet. But once I do, then I will."

"That isn't important to us," the maid disagreed. "So long as the names come from you, that's all we care about. Please, name us now."

Mash was liking this less and less, but the fox-girls seemed to eager to be named right away. She looked at the maid, and said slowly, "Then... I'll call you Maki."

Maki beamed. "Thank you, Master!"

Mash was not sure she wanted to be addressed that way, but also did not want to admit that she'd only come up with Maki because of "maid" and "kitty", so she didn't comment. Instead, she turned to the other fox-girl, and murmured, "And you... for some reason, I want to call you... Tama?"

"Tama-chan," Tama corrected at once, firmly.

"Sure, Tama-chan. Whatever you like."

Tama ignored the dubious tone and began clearing away the breakfast dishes, handing them off to Maki for washing. Again, Mash thought their teamwork was seamless, so long as they weren't competing for attention.

"Anyway, thank you very much for making breakfast," Mash added.

The fox-girls glanced at each other, and then Maki said, "We also tidied up the apartment a bit."

Mash hadn't noticed because of the food, but the apartment was actually spotless. Most notably, the walls were not covered in splattered paint, as they had been before. None of the artists had seemed to mind, but then they'd been too busy stuffing their faces with food, so maybe they hadn't noticed yet. Clytie hadn't said anything, at least.

"We used magic to transfer the paint to their own rooms," Maki explained.

Mash sighed in defeat. "So Da Vinci and Katsushika have moved in, I take it."

Clytie shrugged. "Seems that way."

"Then it's only fair that you two get rooms. Though, you might have to share a room temporarily."

The fox-girls did not seem to like that at all and started to protest.

"I'm sorry, but if people don't give notice that they're abruptly moving in, this is what happens!" Mash shouted over them.

Clytie poked Mash in the arm to get her attention. "I don't think they're mad about sharing a room. I think they're mad because they aren't sharing your room."

Mash laughed. "What? No, why would-?"

"We're your pets," Maki insisted. "We should live in your room."

Mash gaped at her. "But-!"

"Who will snuggle with you to keep you warm if we don't?" Tama argued.

"I have blankets," Mash insisted.

Tama seemed greatly offended by this. "Blankets?! They aren't as nice to snuggle with as we are!"

"That... may be true, but I don't want to."

"Why not?" Maki asked.

"Because I strongly suspect that BB or Da Vinci has tricked you into slavery, and I'd like to make sure that isn't the reason for your devotion to me."

"And if it isn't, then we can share your room?"

Mash frowned. "If it isn't... I will think about it. But I still have blankets."

"For now," Tama said, sharing a glance with Maki, who nodded sharply.

Mash correctly suspected that her blankets would be shredded beyond recognition the second she left the apartment. But there were other matters to attend to. With that in mind, Mash turned to Clytie. "So. Clubs. Talk."

"Yes, yes. You already know about Hassans Unlimited, so-" Clytie began.

"Actually," Mash interrupted, "I want to know everything about them that you do. And plenty that you don't."

"The Riders are all gone," Jack murmured. "But that leaves their pool up for grabs!"

"For the time being," Kiara corrected from her new beach chair. "But until they return, it would be a shame for the pool to go unused."

They stared at the pool. Which was not being used at all.

They glanced at the various Hassans, who were huddled together and not getting wet.

"They don't want to swim," Jack said, pouting a bit.

"Perhaps we should have taken over a closet instead. They seem to appreciate dark, confined spaces."

"Mmm... the Casters have a big closet!" Jack cried excitedly.

Kiara blinked. "If you are referring to Gilgamesh's treasury-"

"It's got loads of stuff in it that nobody ever looks at! It's a big closet!" Jack insisted.

"And you want to take over this big closet?" Kiara asked.

"No. But doing nothing is boring!"

"Very true. And we would surely die at least a few times in the attempt." Kiara mulled this over for a moment. "Motion approved."

"Yay!" Jack ran over to the Hassans. "Field trip, guys! We're going to take over the Caster closet!"

Wordlessly, the Hassans brandished their various murderous tools. Except for Hassan of Serenity, who sort of... brandished herself. Made easier, in fact, by the swimsuit she'd stolen. It had previously had the double-H logo of Heavenly Hosting on it, but had been altered so that it now read HU.

"I don't understand why you and Shirou are so worried about them," Clytie sighed. "They're a little moody, but Jack has been perfectly friendly and Kiara keeps them on track. They were actually the first ones to ask for approval to form, and are the model I based the approval process on."

"That is not as comforting as you seem to think," Mash replied. "Has anyone died under mysterious or obvious circumstances since they formed?"

"Hmm. Now that you mention it-"

"Why was that not at the top of the list of things you thought you should tell me about?!" Mash demanded.

"Kiara mentioned a process by which someone could die and then immediately be reborn under her influence. It sounded harmless enough."

"You and I clearly have vastly different definitions of harm."

"No, it sounded harmless because it is harmless."

"Look, I'm sure she told you that-"

"I experienced it. It didn't hurt at all."

Mash stared at Clytie. "Wait, you let her kill you?!"

"I could hardly approve the process as part of their routine activities if I couldn't guarantee that it was safe. It is."

"And if it hadn't been?!" Mash shrieked.

"Then it would be obvious that she'd killed me, and she would be judged accordingly. I was very clear on the rules beforehand, and she agreed."

"Of course, because you're still alive and under her influence!"

"It's not that bad. Aside from the occasional urge to worship her. But that goes away, after a while. Mostly."

"I'm suddenly feeling a lot better about you establishing a Club Council."

"Exactly! That proves I'm able to make my own decisions."

"Unless she's already killed them, too. Or she told you to form a council? Or implied it was a good idea?"

"No to all of the above. Can we move on now?"

Mash really didn't want to, and didn't consider the matter settled. But as they'd only discussed one club so far, she recognized the need to get this over and done with. "Fine. Tell me about the Argoknots."

"Now, they are an excellent club! They manage to stick to their own goals while also committing to regular activities that benefit other clubs. Almost every club has requested signage from them, free of charge."

"What do the Argoknots get in return?" Mash asked.

"Experience in their crafts, shared goodwill among the clubs, and perhaps first dibs on preferred meeting times. Though as I understand it, almost no others clubs want to meet anywhere near Giant Mark II, so I'm not sure why they thought that spot would be contested."

Asclepius rarely slept, but lately he'd been researching so much that his body simply had to sleep eventually. And yet, somehow, it never failed: as soon as he gave in and decided to sleep...

The bedroom door burst open. "Lepi! Come see what I made for you!"

The doctor yawned and gave the intruder a bleary stare. "Auntie Pollux, I am trying to sleep. Can't this wait-?"

"No! I have to make sure it fits you perfectly!" Pollux immediately shoved a brightly colored object over his head and neck.

Asclepius could not be sure what it was, exactly. His sleep deprived brain could not decide between a poncho or a very misshapen necktie. Finally, he gave up and decided to ask. "What is it, Auntie?"

Pollux seemed offended, amazingly. "It's a winter coat!"

Asclepius checked again. It was certainly possible, but still unlikely, in his opinion. "I see. I will be sure to make use of it. Later. After I have slept for a few days."

"You don't sound very excited."

"Auntie, I need sleep. Please allow me to rest."

"If you need sleep this much, you can't be taking proper care of yourself."

Asclepius was not so sleepy that he couldn't hear alarm bells ringing in his head. "Auntie, whatever you're about to suggest-"

"You'll have to move in with me, so I can take care of you!"

He thought about arguing, then paused to consider. If he refused, she would continue to disturb his sleep. But if he gave in, then she might actually leave him alone. Until he woke up, anyway.

"Fine. But I want my own bed, I'm not sharing with you and Uncle."

"Oh, and speaking of Giant Mark II-" Clytie started to add.

"If you're about to tell me she's in a club-" Mash interrupted.

"Well, not exactly. The BIG Sisters are more an extension of the security team, but in the interest of keeping the members happy, they're trying to branch out into club-like activities. Like gossip parties and hot teas."

Mash blinked. "Uh... don't you mean tea parties and hot gossip?"

"I said what I meant."

"Yeah. Great. Who are these members, exactly?"

"Bunyan, Gorgon, Kiara, and Bel Maanna."

"That last one sounds a bit-"

"The simplest yet least accurate way to put it: she's Space Ishtar's Noble Phantasm."

Mash frowned. "Wait, so every member of this club is giant-sized, or at least has that potential on demand?"

"Yes." Clytie did not seemed to understand the concern on Mash's face.

"And you don't think that's an issue?"

"No. Giant Mark II is the leader, and she assures me that one of them will always be on hand to instantly crush any uprisings or violent incidents if necessary."

It was obvious that Clytie didn't get that Mash was more concerned about one or several of the giants being in a bad mood being the cause of said incidents, and Mash didn't feel like trying to explain it at the moment. "I see. Go on."

"The SANTAs Workshop is more of a temporary holiday-themed session that runs from November to January. For the rest of the year, it's replaced by Sensitive Skins, which incidentally, sells some fantastic lotions and-"

"This is mostly for Santas and Alters, I take it?" Mash sighed, shaking her head.

"Yes, how did you know?"

"Call it a lucky guess. Who else?"

"Then we have the Budget Buddies."

Mash gaped. "Um, what?"

"Servants focused on promoting healthy spending habits and offering free financial advice."

It took a second, but it finally kicked in for Mash. "Oh, hang on, you mean the welf-"

"I mean the Budget Buddies," Clytie said firmly, "as only last week there was a report of violence when someone called Rider Ishtar 'cheap' and she, for only a moment, displayed signs of having a Berserker's Madness Enhancement. So we are trying to avoid any future such incidents."

"Ah. That seems like a great idea."

"I think so, too. Oh, and you might be interested in this next one, Mash: the Furry Friends. They're not all that active, outside of shopping trips, but their stated goal is ethical treatment "for all furrykind", so they would very passionate about making sure that your fox-girls haven't been taken advantage of. They don't really have an established schedule, but if you call Caster of Midrash, she'll set everything up for you."

"Well, thanks for that, anyway," Mash sighed. "But, seriously: you have no problem whatsoever with the idea that BB and Da Vinci might have turned them into slaves?"

"I think it far more likely that BB talked them into an arrangement that is not technically slavery, and thus, is perfectly allowed," Clytie responded. "Anyway, I can't really talk. Technically, I'm a cult member now."

Mash hesitated. "You aren't... having any self-harming thoughts, are you? I know I'm complaining a lot, but if anything bad were to happen to you-"

Clytie smiled. "Thank you for the concern, Mash, but no such thoughts. You know, if you're really curious, we can go to their next meeting and-"

"Pass," Mash said at once. "I've got enough on my plate with possible slavery, I'll deal with the active cult later, thanks."

"It's all nice and legal, Mash," Caster of Midrash confirmed an hour later. "BB even submitted a copy of the contract your foxies signed. Doesn't look like they were tricked at all. Looks more like they really wanted to be your pets. As such, I have to say, I'm a little annoyed that you're trying to ignore their wishes."

"I'm only trying to make sure they weren't harmed or mistreated," Mash insisted. "Believe me, they're way more welcome at my place than the current freeloaders I have there. But only if they truly want that."

"Well, like I said, I can't find anything shady here." Caster of Midrash glanced over the contract again. "And really, if I were you, I'd be more concerned about those freeloaders. It was the Well-Come-On-In Wagon that witnessed the contract signing, suggested the foxies be placed with you, and if my hunch is right, they can do the same with any newly summoned Servant. And since Master approved of that function, I doubt even you can get it changed. So maybe instead of trying to get rid of them, you should either be playing nice so they include you, or at least eavesdropping so you have some idea of what they're up to. Short of actually joining them, I don't think there's any other way you could prevent this sort of thing from happening to you again."

Mash blinked very slowly, then sighed. "I really hate paint fumes..."

Mash returned home to find a delicious lunch waiting for her. And her blankets all thoroughly shredded. She decided to ignore the latter, and focus on the former.

"I can't find any proof that you two were in any way harmed or tricked," Mash told Tama and Maki over lunch, "but I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right with the Well-Come-On-In Wagon, if only because Da Vinci admitted to using it to punish me. So, even though I really don't want to, I'm going to join them. I think you two should, as well. But I won't force you."

"We will join," Tama decided without looking at Maki, who nodded. "Jaguar Man stopped by while you were out, so we will also be joining the Furry Friends, to be certain the rights of our fellow furries are not being ignored."

"Sounds like a good idea." Mash paused. "Now, about the room arrangements. I know what I said before, and I can't prove that you two were manipulated, exactly."

"So we can share your room, if we want," Maki added.

"And we do want," Tama confirmed.

Mash sighed. "Look, I'm not really into snuggling. That's less to do with you, and more to do with me. The thought of having someone draped over me really bothers me. All I'm asking is that you respect that."

"We do want you to be comfortable," Tama admitted reluctantly. "But we really do think you're missing out by denying yourself the luxurious sensation of-"

"I won't deny that you look comfortable in that outfit, but I'm not the lounging type, and-"

"I have a perfect idea!" Maki cried. She looked at Tama, and some silent communication passed between them.

"Master, there is a way we can all get what we want!" Tama said eagerly.

Mash frowned. "Why do I think I'm not going to like this idea?"

"And you want to join our club," Da Vinci said slowly the next day. "Dressed like that?"

Mash glared at her. "Look, I can't think of a better way to make Servants feel welcome, than to show them that it's acceptable for even me to dress like this!"

For reference, Mash was wearing Tama's robe and Maki's furry feet, in the form of some very fluffy slippers, whose claws clicked the floor when she walked. Really, the only thing missing to complete the effect was a pair of fox ears.

Da Vinci shook her head, then looked to Katsushika and Clytie. "Well, ladies? If you approve, then so will I."

"I think it's a great idea!" Clytie said happily.

Katsushika merely stared at Mash for a long moment, then said, "Only if I can paint you. This image must be preserved."

Mash shook her head. "Fine, whatever."

"I guess you're in, then," Da Vinci agreed. "But, one question, first. Are you aware that your robe has tails, and that they are wagging happily? Like, a lot?"

Mash glared at her, trying to ignore the tails, which suddenly stilled. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Oh, only immensely," Da Vinci replied with a wide smile. "Welcome aboard, Mash... and her foxies."

Shirou was aware of both the rumors surrounding the "disappearance" of Team Rider, as well as the hard facts. Voyager had been personally observing them, and as one of the available Servants specifically suited for both space travel and observation, he was the perfect choice. So Shirou knew well in advance that at the next meeting, Team Rider would be revealing some personnel changes.

At least, he thought Voyager knew the extent of changes and had reported them in full. But either Voyager was wrong, or, more likely, Mark II had told him to only report "relevant" details on a need-to-know basis.

So when no Riders showed up to the meeting, Shirou was worried.

When Space Ishtar calmly walked into the meeting fashionably late and entirely alone, Shirou was concerned.

When Space Ishtar announced that Team Rider no longer existed, as it had been absorbed into Heavenly Hosting, which was now headed by her, and that all messages for any involved Servants would go solely through her, Shirou was well beyond panic.

The whole room stopped as Altaria Alter stood up.

Space Ishtar looked interested, but not alarmed.

Altaria Alter slowly walked around the table, until she was standing next to Space Ishtar. "So," she said in a dangerous tone, "if I am understanding you correctly, you will be replacing both Ishtars at these meetings for the foreseeable future?"

"Yes," Space Ishtar said simply, rising to her feet, in case there was a need for it.

Altaria Alter stared at her for a long moment, and then requested, "Please, allow me to embrace you, my sister in darkness."

Space Ishtar blinked slowly. "Okay?"

Altaria Alter hugged her warmly. "You are now my favorite Ishtar. I welcome you."

"Ah. Thanks?"

"Also, please pass on a message from me, to the other Ishtars."

"Sure."

"Message is as follows: Hahahahahaha. End of message."

Space Ishtar stared. "I see. I'll make sure they get that."

"You have my thanks." Altaria Alter returned to her seat, and motioned for the meeting to continue.

Continued in Chapter 14: Big Al's Bouncing Service

Alexander gets the itch to conquer, but is instead talked down into opening a bouncers for hire service. Unfortunately, they are far too good at wrecking Servants, which only feeds the urge to conquer, and you probably already know how this will end...

Endnotes:

I know, it's been so long, these latest chapters will seem like character dumps. And they are.

Really glad that I chose to summon Waver, he's more than earned his spot lately. Which was in doubt because I rolled Castoria immediately afterward, so wasn't sure which one would be hogging all my resources.

Annnd I took too long, now I have Waver, Gray, AND Reines... which is what gave me the idea for the next chapter, so not a terrible thing, really. But I also have a third Tama as well, not sure what to do with her yet... and on the subject of too many Tamas:

Servant Spotlight!
Tama-chan and Maki
Nicknames: Mash's Foxies
Class: None (Sole Members of Team Mash)

Equipment:
(Tama) Exquisite Robe of Slumber: An ultra-comfy robe intended for luxurious lounging.
(Maki) Stainless Steel Paws: Excellent for cooking, cleaning, and mauling if the need arises.

Class Skills:
Roses By Another Name: A
As a side effect of having sold their True Names, they are not actually identified by any known Class. This negates any type advantages or disadvantages they should have. Maki functions most similarly to a Berserker, while Tama supports her in a Caster-like role.

Personal Skills:
Next to Godliness: B
They are always spotless, and like to keep their environment the same way. Even if it means using Noble Phantasms to destroy dust and clutter.

Command Sealed: C
Technically, they have to do what Mash says, but they have ways of convincing her to come around to their way of thinking.

Noble Phantasms:

Berserked: EX
Maki has been known to become extremely irritable if she does not get enough attention from Mash, or if Tama teases her too much... best to stay away during such times.

Altered Ego: EX
Tama has the power to change a Servant's Class, from the standard ones to a decidedly nonstandard one. Her favorites are Bug and Mouse, for opponents. She can also apply this to herself and Maki, resulting in a nifty transformation skill.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Mash.
Least Favorite Servant: Anyone who Mash dislikes... so, increasingly, Da Vinci.
Partner in Crime: Each other. And if they need money, Caster of Midrash.
Hobbies: Cooking, cleaning, cuddling with Mash against her will.
Personal Quote: Selling your True Name isn't so bad, if you still remember what it is you want to do without it.