Chapter 52
Sans stood outside of Frisk's tent, not knowing what to do. It was an hour after curfew, but he knew she would still be awake. Neither of them was much for sleep these days.
Sighing, Sans stepped right in to find Frisk sitting knees to her chest at the head of her cot. He caught her smiling at something unheard to him. The moment she noticed he was there, the smile slipped off her face.
At least she is still capable of smiling.
"Can I help you?" Frisk asked, her voice soft. She sounded neither angry nor scared, but almost uncertain, as if the truth of his role in the loss of her mother put their relationship on undefinable terms.
What Sans had wanted to say was lost when he realized he was too much a coward to speak.
Frisk looked at the foot of her bed and whispered, "Are you sure?" Her brows furrowed as she listened to an explanation he could not hear. With a sigh, Frisk removed the locket and reached out to Sans.
"I want this back in an hour," Frisk said, her tone taking an almost threatening edge.
"Of course," Sans replied as he accepted the locket. "Time me, if you want."
Raising a brow, Frisk smirked and asked, "Is that a challenge?"
Grateful to see some playfulness coming from her, Sans answered, "It's a dare."
"Then you better get started." Frisk stretched her arms above her head and placed her hands behind her neck as she stretched out her legs and reclined on the cot. "The timer started ten seconds ago."
Instead of wasting time having a dumb argument – even if it would be enough for Sans to know things between them would ultimately be okay – Sans teleported away from the camp. Once he was alone by a secluded park bench in Waterfall, Sans sat down, sighed, and put on the locket. Without looking where Chara appeared, Sans waved for the human to sit beside him.
"I take it the kid told you about the role I played in the loss of the queen," Sans said when he saw in his peripheral Chara sit beside him.
"I was there the whole time you told her," Chara corrected.
"Hmm, shoulda guessed. Kid doesn't take it easy and relax anymore unless you're right there beside her. When you're spending time with someone else, she always seems on edge, like someone's going to fight and kill her at any minute. When you're with her, she can smile. It's like you're her rock on shaky ground."
"Truly a testament to how dangerous everyone else is in comparison to me," Chara replied.
Choosing to not waste his hour, Sans got straight to the point. "Why did you want to speak with me?"
"With Frisk leaving the camp for the castle tomorrow morning, I do not know if I will get the opportunity to speak with you again."
"Yeah," Sans agreed, "I need to honor my word about not messing around with missions I haven't been assigned on. My place is here, helping Papyrus with the dishes."
Chara snorted. "Cut the crap. We both know you ain't parking your ass there."
The comment was so unlike anything the prim and proper prince would say, Sans started laughing as if it was the funniest thing he heard since he led the Reds to Toriel's doorstep. With that thought, Sans realized it truly had been that long since he laughed like this. Finally able to look Chara in the face, Sans saw that the human seemed to be at peace watching the river flow past.
"I wanted to tell you that I cannot hold what happened against you," Chara said, sounding somber.
"How come, when you know I actively chose to not help something I caused?"
Chara shook his head. "Let's just say after decades of holding my worst sins against myself, I have learned that refusing to let things go benefits nothing. I had a century to learn to move on from the mistakes I made in life, and instead I let myself grow bitter in them. I let in destroy my soul and everything around me. When Frisk came into our lives nine years ago, I had convinced myself Toriel wore the locket less frequently because in Frisk she finally had the child I never was and could replace me and my faults. It is not until recently I considered the possibility that I was the one who pushed Toriel away, forcing her to hide me and the truth of her past from Frisk until her last breath."
Unsure what to make of this confession, Sans stared out towards the water. Refusing to let things go was nothing new to him. Just as Chara had his own burdens to bear, Sans had his.
"I am not as good as forgiving as Frisk is, so I am not going to pretend to try," Chara continued, and Sans appreciated the honesty. "However, I can at least admit I will not cling to this as a reason to hate you."
"Don'tcha hate me already?"
"Well, when I first met you, I really did not like you."
"And?"
"Oh, that's it."
Sans laughed, and Chara grinned. This was Sans's favorite thing about Chara, how the two could have serious conversations without getting too deep into anything. Neither liked talking about the past, and both were content to keep it that way.
"I watched Toriel fight," Chara then said, his grin falling. "From the breaking down of the Ruins door to her getting stabbed with that knife coated in deathlust, I saw it all. And I could do nothing to stop it."
Seeing the way Chara clenched his fists, Sans asked, "Are you sure you don't blame me a little bit, gramps?"
"Oh, I blame you plenty. It is the not holding it against you I am trying to do here."
"Y'know, that's fair."
The two sat in silence after that. They watched the river run past as the echo flower kept repeating "that's fair." Sans wasn't sure if he should try to make the most of his hour, or if this would be enough.
"How do you plan to butt into Frisk's confrontation with Asgore?" Chara asked about ten minutes later.
"I won't, not unless I get sick of the day resetting," Sans answered.
"Whoa, are you actually going to wash the dishes after all?"
"I didn't say that."
"Tch." Chara shook his head. "You truly are something."
"Thanks."
"That was not a compliment."
"Only if I decide it isn't."
Hesitating a moment, Chara said, "I want to thank you, for what you did for me back then. Taking me to the abandoned house to throw a temper tantrum. I feel as if that has been a turning point for me."
Now Sans was curious. "How so?"
"You helped me to see that I am not the sum of my worst mistakes," Chara explained. "I spent so long, even in life, defining myself by my sins, there was no room for anything else. All that came to mind when I thought about myself were the same damn things I was told on the surface. How something is wrong with me, how I am a demon, how I would never amount to much. Every mistake I made, from saying the wrong thing all the way to setting the royal garden on fire, added to those hateful words, proving right the humans who drove me up here in the first place."
"And here I always assumed humans who fall down here got lost on their hike."
Chara didn't respond. Sans looked to find the human staring at his hands on his lap. His fingers were no longer clenched into fists, and he turned his palms facing upwards.
The peace that remained on Chara's face added to the illusion that Chara finally was letting go of the weight of his past.
"If you could go back and change it all, would you?" Sans asked.
"Yes," was Chara's immediate answer. "If I could back knowing what I now know, I would change it all. I would trade the lies of the humans for the love of the monsters. I would be the son Toriel and Dad deserved and the brother I should have been to Asriel. No lives would be taken by my hand. The happiness and hope of the Underground would never be extinguished, not while I had anything to do about it. Asriel would have never been killed because of me. He might still be alive today, ruling the Underground, while I will be dead and gone. . . ."
A small, sad smile on his face, Chara finished with, "The only hard part would be knowing all you and Frisk had done for me, unknowingly guiding me to change my ways, and I would create a world in which we never meet so I could thank you."
"Unfortunately, nobody gets a redo in life," Sans said, talking to himself more than to Chara.
"While that is true," Chara agreed, "I wish I had learned sooner that as long you are still alive, it is never too late to change."
Sans thought little of the comment until Chara added, "Do not make the mistake I made believing it was too late when there was still time."
Not sure whether to admire or disdain Chara's straightforwardness, Sans questioned, "What are you saying, gramps?"
"Exactly that, do not believe that is too late to change while you are still alive. Take it from a dead man. I should know better than anyone else."
It was a nice thought, but Sans decided it didn't apply to him. As great as it was for Chara to finally come to some peace about himself, that was not Sans's story. After all, even the worst person couldn't change no matter how much they wanted.
Scrunching her nose, Frisk could not understand how Chara willingly ventured through the sewers when he was alive. As much as she believed what Chara said about boys having a natural desire to explore and go on adventures, she wasn't sure how he could tolerate someplace so grimy and smelly. Not unless Chara's sense of adventure was much stronger than his feelings of disgust.
"Are we there yet?" Suzy groaned, as she did every hour on the hour.
"No," Chara sternly said, but Frisk repeated it a little kindlier.
Early that morning, Frisk led her assigned team to an abandoned manhole – Or is it called a "monsterhole" in the Underground? – and started guiding them through the sewers. Little did anyone know that Chara was the one truly leading the way. Either true to his word Chara remembered the system like he knew the back of his hand, or he had no idea where he was going but confidently guided her anyway. Either way, the team knew they were being led by the spirit of Prince Chara. Ever since Frisk told the lie that she was the reincarnation of the human prince of the monsters, and backed these claims up with stories of his past that Chara allowed her to share, even the monsters who appeared to like her least now showed some level of respect.
"I gotta use the bathroom," complained Mon, the only one of Frisk's friends who had been assigned on this mission.
"You should have gone before you left," retorted Ember, a monster made up of literal flames.
"I didn't have to go then."
"Well, you can go anywhere you like now: we're already in the sewers!" exclaimed Jasper, a monster covered in so many vines Frisk had no idea what could possibly be beneath them all.
"Eww, gross!"
"Then quit complaining!"
"I'm so glad The Snake didn't assign anyone else on this mission or else I would be slowly losing it," Chara muttered.
With the headcount consisting of Mon, Suzy, Ember, Jasper, and Frisk herself, Frisk knew this was considered a small group. Yet taking into account the purpose was to sneak into the castle undetected so Frisk could fight King Asgore, it made sense for the group to be so small. The selected monsters were chosen for a purpose, too – Mon could use her camouflage magic to look ahead to warn the group of any on-comers, Jasper was a former member of the royal guard and knew the shift rotations so well he could say exactly what minutes were the best for traveling through the castle undetected, Ember could use her magic to bend light and create illusions of a bigger army in the case of an emergency, and Suzy would be Frisk's "bodyguard" guaranteeing that Frisk made it to King Asgore safely enough to survive a fight with him.
Eventually, after enduring many complaints and arguments, the group decided to rest for the night. Frisk repeated Chara's statement that they were halfway there to the castle, and she didn't know who was the most relieved to hear the news. Her own relief started to melt away when Mon and Ember both complained about sleeping on the dirty ground.
"If I didn't know you need me with you," Chara told Frisk as more bickering broke out amongst everyone, "I would beg you to take off the locket."
For the first time, Frisk wished her situation was similar to Chara's just so she could hope to have the option to just disappear. It wasn't that the arguing bothered her too much, but it was that she understood why everyone was on edge. If everything went according to plan, she would be confronting King Asgore before sundown tomorrow.
Once sleeping bags were reluctantly placed on the ground and Ember started a fire, everyone gathered around to eat their food rations. The food was tasteless in Frisk's mouth, and despite knowing she needed to eat, she wasn't hungry. She nibbled throughout her dinner, trying with little success to eat her provision.
Despite the others arguing that she needed rest the most, Frisk insisted on keeping the first watch. It wasn't that she was going to be able to sleep anyway. She couldn't remember the last time she had a full night's rest. Most nights had been spent listening to Chara recount memories from his childhood. It was all Chara had to offer her to distract from her situation, and Frisk was grateful Chara had put aside his dislike for speaking of his past just so she could have some fleeting moments of joy.
Yet now, on the way to the end of her journey, where she was expected to fight King Asgore to the death, there was no joy to be found. Even if she did fall asleep, it would be restless. Knowing how this was all affecting Chara did nothing to help.
After everyone had settled in, Frisk tried to read to pass the time. Nothing her eyes landed on processed. It took five times to read the same page without remembering what it was she read that convinced her to give up. With a groan, Frisk put the book away. She wanted to talk to Chara, but she didn't want to risk one of the others waking up to hear her talk to herself.
"Can't relax either?"
Frisk flinched. She didn't realize that Suzy was still awake. Eyes landing on the purple monster, who propped her head up while lying on her side, Frisk stated, "I think I'm too wound up to ever relax again."
For a moment, nobody said anything else. Even Chara remained seated without speaking. The silence was so loud, it was almost deafening.
Then Frisk, unable to take it anymore, blurted out, "How come you have helped me so much? I know it's not because you like me or anything, so why?"
Suzy, fortunately, did not need an explanation. Shrugging one shoulder, she replied, "I don't like being told what to do. In a way, assisting you was a form of rebellion."
She only kept quiet about Chara out of spite, Frisk thought. So much was guessed already. Even with all the positive interactions between them, Frisk knew that Suzy was not a true ally.
"I have a question," Suzy began, dragging Frisk out of her thoughts. "If it came down to it, do you really think you could kill the king?"
"Never." The word was out before Frisk could even think about it. No matter how vicious and relentless King Asgore was going to be during their fight, Frisk knew she could never kill him. It wouldn't be out of mercy for the king, but for Chara. She knew it was bad enough already for Chara to have to witness the two of them fighting – forcing Chara to watch her kill his dad was a kind of cruel Frisk could never act upon.
Suzy seemed to consider Frisk's response. "Even if it costs you your life?"
"There are things worse than death. If I kill King Asgore, it will certainly destroy any hope of the Underground once again being united. Those who hate humans will be justified in their hate, and those who don't will be tempted to change their minds. If there is to be any hope for the future, there must be an end to all this violence."
"You would risk becoming a martyr for the sake of potential peace? There's no promise your sacrifice would even be worth it. For all you know, you might only succeed in King Asgore breaking the barrier and wiping out the human race."
"It is a major risk," Frisk agreed, "but I won't risk the alternative. If I kill the monster king, I will become a villain, destroying hope. If I choose to die to spare the king instead, I am a hero."
Pursing her lips, Frisk admitted, "I don't think I'm important enough for my death to mean much of anything to anyone. Sure, those who call me friend would be sad, but what else? Would crowds gather to cry out against the injustice of my death? Chara's betrayal and subsequent death may have killed the hope of some about the future between humans and monsters, but others were strengthened in their beliefs. I mean, the whole Blue movement exists because of him!
"As for me . . . I'm not that special. For so long, I only traveled through the Underground because Mom told me to leave. It's kind of pathetic really, to strive towards a goal that isn't one's own. My motivation was achieving Mom's final wish. Then I didn't know what I wanted at all. Now, I want to help everyone, but even now I feel lost. I know you hate being told what to do. In a way, I wish I was more like you. I feel like everything I do is because someone told me to do it, and even when nobody is telling me anything, I still want to be told what it is I need to do next. Even if I die at King Asgore's hands, I'm no hero. All I ever have been is a puppet on strings. That's why it scares me to wonder what will happen if I die. Killing King Asgore will result in a future with no peace, yet I can't imagine how my dying instead will result in a change that will lead to peace."
Frisk closed her eyes and sighed, feeling lighter. If felt good to say all that. Chara was always quick to listen, but this was different. Maybe it was because Chara was always by her side and sometimes knew her better than she knew herself, whereas being this open to Suzy was a vulnerable Frisk hadn't felt in so long. For all Frisk knew, Suzy would say something dismissive or just ignore Frisk altogether, and something about that risk felt good to Frisk.
It felt even better when Suzy stated, "You got to cut your strings if you want to be your own person."
Not having a response, Frisk asked, "When we make it to the king . . . and it looks like one of us isn't going to make it, what are you going to do?"
Suzy thought about it for so long, Frisk thought she fell asleep. Then Suzy answered, "I don't know."