Chapter 4- The Water Tower

So, I was writing this scene and it became a chapter. It took me a while to get it right. I was trying to find a balance in how much detail I should go into. I just really wanted to show the weight of this chapter for Frank and Karen- in a delicate way. Anyway, I'm really happy with it and feedback is valued as always- Red.

The ride back seemed longer than it was. We'd driven a fair distance to the cabin and I longed for my bed. I was exhausted and unsure of everything. Today I'd dug into people's minds, seen images I had no right to see and heard things that were deeply personal. Like Foggy and his thoughts of Matt- how he could seldom go a minute without being reminded of his best friend. It had also sparked the sadness in me again from Matt's absence.

My body felt different and my mind felt drained. To make things worse, Frank took me to that god forsaken cabin and history had repeated itself. I begged Frank not to kill someone and yet again, he didn't batter an eye before he did. What kind of person would I be if I hadn't tried to stop him? I was scared to find out. No matter how I felt about him I couldn't let his actions become normal for me.

We pulled up and I looked around at the sight. Trees surrounded the place and in the centre of the clearing, stood a copper coloured water tower. It was clearly old and a little rusted.

"It's been abandoned for years, it's where I hang my hat lately" Frank said.

"You live here?"

"Sometimes" He shrugged. He was looking at me with those dark eyes but I refused to meet them. I wanted to tell him that no one knew about me, that he was being irrational but I couldn't find the energy to protest.

"Fine" I got out of the car, my feat crunched under the autumn leaves, I hadn't realised the foliage was blending into warm orange tones until just now. The main cylinder of the tower was held up by large metal pillars that took a tripod position under it. We climbed up a ladder that led directly to a hatch into the top. Frank opened the it and helped me in. The midday sun was dipping into the windows that covered the entirety of the walls. It was a wide, open, circular area and the many windows combined with the height made a breath-taking view. I instantly knew why Frank liked it here, he could see for a mile in every direction. He was always on watch, something he must have been taught in the military. In the centre of the vast space was a simple metal bed and on the ceiling hung a black net, in which mounds of weapons were laid out evenly. There was a steel cabinet to one side and on top of it was a collection of food, bottles of water and candles.

It was so simple and empty that it jolted me; He still had no desire for anything, not even creature comforts- not even damn electricity any more apparently. "I have a place in the city but this is…. mine" He said. I looked up at the guns.

"I can see that" I said, sinking onto his bed. It was more comfortable than I expected, maybe because of the tiredness. I didn't ask, I just pulled back the thick quilt and slipped under them. I would sleep now and later I would deal with all the problems.

For a minute, I didn't remember where I was in the blackness of the water tower cylinder. Then I turned over and found Frank's outline in the moonlight. He was facing vast wide windows, sat on the floor, holding something in his hands. It didn't take him long to notice me.

"How do you feel?" He asked, tucking the photo into the pocket of his jeans.

"Better" I said, looking away. I heard him exhale heavily.

"You have to stop expecting something from me that's never going to happen" He said. I sat up straight, pulling the blanket up with me. It was so cold up here.

"Excuse me? I never asked to be in that cabin again"

Frank stood, and began his pacing again. Each step drove me mad. "You asked to be part of this world and this is what happens. Things aren't made better by people who aren't willing to do anything Karen" He said. I felt the heat rise in my cheeks.

"Right, but it's made better with people having no trial, no chance to change…."

"People do not change" He said simply, glaring at me. I was so angry at him.

I stepped out of the bed, my feet were freezing on the cold metal floor but I didn't care. I walked right up to him and stuck my finger out to jab him in the chest.

"You do not get to turn away from me…. I've done a shit load for you Frank Castle so you can't dismiss me like a child" I yelled. I was tall but he still towered over me with his broad frame. There was time he intimated me but that was no longer the case.

"It's a child who would believe the world is fair" He stated. I was taken back, as if he'd punched me in the gut like he had the man in the cabin.

"I know more than most that the world isn't fair. You aren't the only one who's lost family- you selfish bastard. You are not the only one who had ever felt grief or loss…. I hurt Frank but you take it out on people….and you enjoy it"

"I do what I have to"

"You do what you WANT to. The truth is you hide behind 'justice' to have an excuse for that darkness inside of you to run wild and free because if you are really truly honest- you like the power that pulling that trigger gives you" I said. His eyes deemed to darken. I'd seen that look before but never directed at me.

"I'm done with this. With you" He said, beginning to turn away. Another wave of rage coursed through me and I held his bare arm to stop him. He looked down at the contact between us and back up at my face. Then he pulled his arm away.

"You killed innocent people- they were orders I know but still you punish yourself and I'm sure they had you do a lot of other nasty shit but here you are- you changed but what if someone came along and decided to finish you off- not knowing the people you have saved- not knowing the good in you?" I didn't know if it would make a difference but I'd been holding this inside me for so long and I needed him to hear me.

"I'd deserve it"

"No Frank, you don't. Yes, I've seen the ugly parts of you but for as much bad…. there is just as much good"

He dismissed my words, almost rolling his eyes. "Karen, you don't know what bad is- like you said, I enjoy killing people"

"Then what does that make me?" I said, running my hands through my locks in frustration.

"Karen, you aren't anything like me. Your mistakes are my choices" He said, his eyes capturing me and the meaning behind his words. He put his hand on my face. I was suddenly overcome with emotion, it hadn't been what I meant. I wanted to scream at him 'What does it make me when the man I love, loves to murder people?' I looked up at Frank, he was still, too still and too quiet.

Then I heard something in my own my mind that wasn't my own thoughts.

How can I hear her? She can share her thoughts and not just read them. How could she love me? I don't deserve to be loved. Not after what I've done- not ever again.

I'd heard his thoughts and he'd knew mine. There was understanding between us in that. That wasn't how I wanted to phrase it but it had somehow become pushed through me, to him. He pulled away and rubbed his face.

"What did you mean, what have you done?" I asked. I shouldn't have pried but it so easily happened as his thoughts- more than anyone else's- were so easy to see when he touched me but I didn't know why. This power I had was beyond my understanding. He was still silent.

"I'm sorry, I can't control this…. thing in me" I said. He looked at me, no anger- just confliction.

"Karen…I killed them" He said, his voice broken, his face twisted in anguish. I stepped closer to him. I wanted desperately to touch him, to hold him, to make him whole just once but I knew I'd never be enough. I didn't want to pry further, I wanted him to tell me willingly.

"I killed my family" He whispered into the dim light. My resolve had crumbled as my ability to stay away from him did. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and held him as tightly I was able while he sobbed against the curve of my neck.

Why couldn't I stop? I did love it…I loved killing and I was the best at it. I chose it over my family and now they are dead because of that choice. I killed them. I killed them Karen.

My name in thoughts surprised me, he was willingly sharing this with me. He was allowing me to see his unfiltered pain as I wrapped myself around him. We sunk to the floor and sat in a heap, his head nestled into my shoulders and all the while I saw images in my mind.

…His beautiful children playing together in a sandpit, laughing and joking…

…His daughter in a pristine white dress as the sun streamed down on her, making her look like an angel….

…The painting of a soldier his son had crafted on the wall…

…Holding his wife's hand as their children ran ahead to the park…

…The times he'd come home to find children that didn't know him. His children…

…Holding their mangled bodies in his arms and praying for release from the crippling pain.

The tears from me rained down, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I sobbed and Frank held me tighter, as if we were now linked in the torment of the images he had experienced. Some tears had been of pure joy at the way Frank saw his children and some came from a dark place in his mind full of self-loathing. I pulled back and he wiped them away from my face.

"I didn't want you to see…." He whispered. His eyes were red. I shook my head.

"I'm never going to leave you Frank" I said, somehow knowing that's what he needed from me.

"You said differently in the hospital…."

"Screw what I said, I'm not going anywhere" I said, smiling and he smiled with me. It seemed we needed that after what we shared. My stomach twisted and I looked down. "Frank, I wish I had the power to make you happy again" I murmured. He pulled my face up to look at him.

You do make me happy, that's why it's so hard to be around you. I feel guilty that I can feel that when they are gone.

I took a minute to hold the weight of his words.

"Frank?"

"Yes?"

"Your children…. I can see so much of you in them. They are…. so beautiful and strong" I'd worried I'd hurt him by mentioning them but he had a small smile on his lips and he gave me a look of surprise.

"Thank you, Karen" For a moment, the way he looked into my eyes made me forget the past few days, made forget there was a world outside this water tower. I don't know how long we sat there but when his eyes lowered to my lips I knew I wanted him to lean forward and kiss me.

"Frank?" I repeated. He smiled.

"Yes Karen?" He whispered, almost onto my lips.

"I know I can never make it better for you…. but you know I would if I could, don't you?" I asked. He moved forward a little.

"I do"

"and…. you know that you…. you aren't alone? I mean, you know how I feel" I said, red creeping up my cheeks. I knew he wasn't the one to share what he was feeling (not that I'd given him much choice recently) but I needed him to know this. It was important that he knew there was someone left to care about him. I felt his breath on my lips, and he stayed there like he was teasing me with his proximity. My heart was hammering inside my chest.

"I can't say how I feel about you Karen..." He said. "But I want…. to show you" He moved to kiss me and my entire body flamed alight in response. In his mind, I saw myself. I saw my messy curls flowing passed my shoulders, my crimson lips inviting him in. I saw my big blue eyes sparkling back at him and how they were filled with tears for his pain. I saw how the moonlight hit my face and through his eyes, the light followed me wherever I moved. As we kissed on, the less he thought and the less I heard. I could just experience my own feelings for him. He ran his fingers though my hair, pulling me to him. His tongue laced over my lips and chills travelled down my spine. I groaned against his mouth and he smoothed one hand down the side of my body until it settled on my hip.

I knew very little in this moment except for knowing I needed him. This was different to anything I'd held in any of my memories; It was more intense, rawer- an untamed mass of emotions and desire. Somewhere along the line, I'd let myself become desperate for his touch, greedy for it. Frank growled, nibbling my lip gently.

I want you so badly. You're beautiful. God, I want you.

His thoughts pulled me in further, like we were connected through no way anyone else could be. He trailed down my neck and kissed me so attentively he made my body hurt in anticipation. The hand that had been behaving at my hip, decided to wonder a little and it sent a jolt of excitement through me. I felt his fingertips trace up over my stomach, passed my ribs and settle just under where I wanted them to settle. I pulled him closer to me, feeling the sculpted muscles beneath his shirt. Jesus, he was beautiful and my filthy mind sped away with thoughts I knew I should shut down…. but I wouldn't- I couldn't- damn I didn't want to. I ran my hands down the space of his stomach, tracing the feel of his body, taking my time to memorise the curves and impressions of his form. I wanted to tell him through all the scars and the pain that had formed them, and for the pain there were no scars to mark- in this moment- he was perfect.

He broke free, tearing away from me and standing with his back faced away from me. He was panting as I was from what we'd shared and I felt a gut of rejection and confusion. I could see his shoulders rise and fall in the light of the moon. He said nothing as I sat on the cold floor. I stood, stepping closer a little. "Frank?" I whispered. He put one hand on the window as if to support himself. "Frank, I'm sorry" I said. I took a breath and then I turned to walk away, I couldn't go anywhere right then but I could pull the covers over my head until morning.

"How can you see me that way?" I heard him say. I took the words in and swirled them around my head until I understood.

"You heard me?"

"I heard everything that you thought from the second I kissed you" He said. I turned back around but he was still facing away with his back to me. I quickly scanned over everything I'd thought about and cringed at the intimate things I must have allowed him to hear. I didn't know what to say, he knew now- how in detail- I felt about him. I stood what seemed like forever until I could gather myself. I stepped forward until I was close enough to place one hand on his back. His t-shirt prevented any skin to skin- therefore no runaway thoughts being passed on either side.

"Don't Karen" His words were pleading and fragile and with his deep gravelled voice it seemed to really get to me.

"I saw…. you …. seeing me. It wasn't how I see myself and it probably never will be but the fact that you see that in me- Frank- that means something. It means something to me Frank because not one person in my life has ever seen me like that"

"I can't do this Karen. I'm in the dark…. all the time and I accept that…. it's where I meant to be. But I won't have you coming in after me. Not you"

"Frank…."

"NO. Don't you get it? I am a poison to anyone who gets too close. Everyone who I've given a fuck about has died- in horrible ways and you Karen are the last one. You are the last one and after everything, after losing so much, losing you- that would finish me" He balled his fists up, his voice was thick with anger.

"That's why I killed the guy in the cabin- because he knew what you could do and that's why I will have more of their blood on me before this is over. That way…. they can't take away the last thing I have" He was still angry but I felt his shoulders slump a little, as if speaking the words had given him some relief. The last thing he had …... me. Yes, he did have me.

I slipped my arms around his waist and touched my forehead to his back.

"Stop" He begged.

"Listen to me Frank. Listen" I pleaded. I needed him to hear my words and really know what they meant. "There's nothing you have done, nothing you can do to make me leave you but I won't come into that darkness to find you either" I said. He was quiet, I didn't know if he was listening.

"Turn around" I demanded. He waited a second and then did as I wanted. When he met my eyes, there was still that desire there, the need to be close to him.

"I won't come into the darkness but you can come to me"

He sighed, bowing his head. "Karen…"

"No" I put both of my hands on his cheeks and made him face me. "Please Frank" I begged, tears broke free from my eyes and without hesitance, he smoothed them away with his thumb. I pulled him closer and he let me. Very slowly, I leant up to gently press my lips to his. I pulled back and stared into his dark eyes.

"Please" I leaned to kiss his cheek, and then his other, then his funny shaped nose that I'd grown to like, then the space where his ear met his neck, then the tender area of his throat. I felt his hands grab my arms. It felt forceful but when I met his eyes there was just desire in them. I had to swallow before I could speak again. It came out a whisper but it was enough.

"Please find me Frank"

His lips met mine, his hands combing through my hair. Frank swooped me up in his arms and stepped over to his bed where he lowered me down. For a long while his lips explored mine, then his hands began to do the same to my body.

He pushed my top up passed my stomach and over my head, reminding me that I hadn't even put a bra on in the hospital. Before I could react to it, Frank bent his head to press gentle kisses over my chest. They were soft and loving, as if trying to put me at ease. Then he stood up straight to lift his own top over his head. The mound of muscles that amounted to Frank Castle was at the very least- a piece of art. When his lips found my own and his bare chest pressed against mine, my heart really began to pound. It affected him also, as I heard his breathing increase at our contact. I held onto his back with both hands and prayed he didn't pull away- not now.

He relieved me of the remaining clothes, I unbuckled his belt and he did he the rest. For a second he looked at me, taking me in and I knew I was blushing fiercely in the moonlight. When he met my eyes again, he was smiling. It was a lighter smile than I'd ever seen him wear and I echoed that feeling. Then he pulled the covers over us, noticing me shake a little from the coolness in the air. As he kissed me I knew it was important not to rush, to let him lead this- to know that he wanted this as much as I did. He ran his fingers over me, becoming attuned to my body's responses as he explored. I felt each muscle, each scar, each dent in his bones that hadn't healed right. When he trailed his fingers between my legs they automatically moved a little apart, to which he edged his hips closer. The same words began to repeat in my mind.

I'm here. Always.

Hours passed into the night. Hours since in mind, body and soul we'd seemed to meld into one person. It was then, after we shared all that two people could, in the darkness of our surroundings, Frank freely gave me one clear thought….

I love you.