CHAPTER 5- This One Moment

I'm sorry its been ages since an update. Thank you 'spyslikeus' for such a touching review, you pushed me forward- so just know, it meant a lot.

I know this one is short but I'm at an impasse and I just needed to get the ball rolling again. Suggestions for where I should go in this fic would be greatly valued if anything comes to mind. I have an ending point in mind which the next chapter will be more focused toward, but I don't have an exact map to get there.

This is my first fanfic so thanks everyone who has read and reviewed- it's so encouraging- Red

For a moment, I floated effortlessly. I was deep in peaceful darkness, such a difference to the sharp places I'd normally go when I closed my eyes each night. Many of those times, I'd be holding a gun in my hands. Then, like someone changing the channel, I was somewhere else. I saw Frank and felt relived. Somehow, we were in my apartment, I wore his big shirt and it trailed passed my thighs. He walked in the front door, dumped a bag down and kicked off his boots. When he saw me, he smiled brightly and came to close the distance between us.

"How was work?" I asked. Frank groaned and snatched my lips into a hard kiss, his fingers slid straight up the fabric of his shirt that barely covered me.

"Unbearably boring as always but I know I get to come home to you Karen and that's all I need" He said, his dark eyes focussing on me. I run my fingers over his short hair, he had let his stubble grow out again.

"I know the feeling" I kissed him, showing him how much I missed him. Then the air cracked with a shot. I fell away from Frank and my body hit the ground. I couldn't move as Frank crashed to the floor, touching my head, shouting, crying out my name. I felt the blood pouring from my head, I was dead, yet I was somehow still able to be in this horrible scene, watching as Frank writhed in pain over me.

My eyes popped open, sweat glazed my skin. What the hell was that? The nightmare had felt so strange, like nothing I'd ever experience. I was killed, so abruptly pulled from a tiny glimpse of a tender life that could only ever exist in a dream. It took me a moment to gather myself before I realised where I was. The metal of the water tower still surrounded me and I lay on my back in Frank's bed. Frank. My hand still was twisted into his. A final touch of many to end a night that I'd never forget. I turned, first relived to see his face. Then, I saw his expression crunched into an agonising look. He was still asleep, sweat glazed his exposed chest and his fists were balled up, making his knuckles turn white. He was squeezing the one hand of mine he was still holding, and it began to hurt.

It took me a moment to realise what could be happening. Had I experienced Frank's nightmare? It would make sense, as much sense as it could with the little knowledge I had of my new ability. Had I lived through the scene in Frank's own head? Was he still in my apartment, holding my body? The thought startled me so much I forcefully shook him. I couldn't leave him in that place, holding my lifeless shell as he had his done with his family. A few forceful jerks of his shoulders made him open his eyes. He sat up, wildly, trying to catch his breath. Before he had time to rush off, to pull away from me, I went to him. I had forgotten the blanket around me and it fell to my waist as I wrapped my arms around his torso. I pressed my cheek to his shoulder blades, holding him as tightly as I could. My bare chest squashed against his back, holding him close. His body still heaved with ragged breathing as I let him get his bearings.

He ran his fingers over my arms, loosening them. I felt a gut blow, anticipating that he'd walk away from me now. He'd put those walls back up and close himself off. That's what I had expected, but instead, he turned and met my gaze. His eyes were red, his mind still racked with images from the nightmare. "I'm here Frank. It wasn't real- I'm here" I soothed. He pressed his forehead to mine, our noses touching.

"I lost you" He whispered. I hurt from his words, but I needed him to know it was ok now. I ran my hands over his face and my lips very gently touched his. He matched my tenderness, bringing his hands up to my back so our bodies could share the warmth of each other's. Frank held me like there wouldn't be another chance.

"It never stops Karen. It never stops" He repeated. I stroked his hair and held his towering frame to my body.

The water tower slowly disappeared as we drove away, and it became nothing more than a glint of copper between trees. Everything had changed there. Something changed between Frank and I, something I'd find it difficult to explain to myself, let alone anyone else. We'd seen inside each other's thoughts, shared clips of our most sacred memories and faced each other in the morning with that knowledge. I'd never felt this, this all-consuming connection I shared with him and it was scary. Really scary. I knew how he felt, I practically ripped his heart open and prodded around a bit and he'd just laid there and allowed me to do so. I knew I'd loved him but before last night there was a separation- Him. Me.

Now I felt the lines between us as two people were blurred. When did Karen end and Frank begin now? Would I feel even more guilty when he decided to kill someone else? Could I take that? I know I'd been bordering the line for a long time. I'd protected Frank and for that alone, it had put me in a grey area, but he had protected me with everything he had left. It was difficult to leave that affection unreciprocated. I wasn't proud of compromising my values for him, but I'd do it again without thinking. Hell, I'm doing right now.

We drove back to the city, where we would get more answers. Those answers would lead to Frank storming the medical centre and most likely carrying out his purge on anyone he deemed guilty. That was the thing tearing me in two- how much of myself do I lose because I can't stop my deep affection? I looked over at him.

His hair was buzzed around the sides, slightly longer on the top- as it always is. His head was streaked with white slashed scars where hair couldn't grow again. Last night, I'd studied each scar.

He'd laid on the bed, his muscled arms slung lazily behind his head, his body freely given to me- with no restraint. I stared so damn long, drinking him in and knowing this memory would be behind my lids every night I have left to come.

Frank had followed my gaze- bemused at my fascination. When my fingertips grazed his scars, he had deliberately thought back to how he'd gotten each one to let me see what injury had left it on his skin. I touched one after another, eager to see more chapters of his life. Frank just lay there, a smile playing on his lips as I trailed my way through the evidence of violence on his body. He was nowhere near ashamed of them, or self-conscious. He had no need to be, he was amazingly built and although I knew each one represented pain, I couldn't seem to imagine Frank any other way.

This wouldn't have been Maria's Frank, I was sure of that. The Frank that had been hers was not this one in front of me. This man was fully aware of the brutal nature of the world and he somehow found the strength to live in it regardless- for that I admired him. He endured the worsts pains a person could and yet he drew breath- that alone was a miracle.

When I finally got to Frank's head, I ran my fingers over the side of his skull. I felt the dent there and then to follow, saw the graphic experience of him being shot in the head the day at the carousel. He'd kissed my tears away, asking me not to cry for him again. On the outside he was the most intimidating a man could ever get. That all fell away that night alone together in the darkness, after all the feather gentle touches, after the rushes of attentive pleasure, after the terrifyingly venerable way he whispered my name- as if he needed reassurance I was still in heaven with him after struggling such a long time in hell.

How could I see him as I did before? I couldn't. If I knew one thing- it was that I could never go back. As Frank drove the car, I tucked my legs under me and padded my hands under my face to cushion it, while I openly glared at him. He wouldn't look at me, he was so stubborn, but I saw his lips twitch- threatening to give me a smile. Soon, we'd reach the city and things would become murky again. That's why this single moment was so important; Frank driving, me soaking in the rare glow of him being happy. My eyes began to feel heavy, but I refused to close them; I refused to forfeit a second of Frank Castle looking….. happy. I wished this moment could last forever- I wasn't ready to return to the world.

Minutes passed before he met my gaze and the look he gave me was one of utter adoration. He was still there with me- basking in the same afterglow as me. He leaned over and as he brushed hair behind my ear. With the skin contact, I thought of the words I wanted him to know in the way, only we could share.

I love you Frank.

He pulled his touch away and I wondered if my words had been sent through in time before he withdrew but he finally reached and took my hand. There was no fear from my declaration in his face, only a smile teasing his lips.

I love you too.

It was not strange to have him in my head. I'd accepted, that a part of my mind would always be for him- a corner of it that he could admit he loves me without having to feel the guilt of saying out-loud.