Warning: There is a lot of angst in this chapter...

Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki.

Chapter 5: "Confessions"

Winter of 1863

When Kaoru awoke the next morning, all her eyes could see were Kenshin's streaks of red hair. The string that held her hair had loosened, and the red threads cascaded down in front of his chest, just where he lay, parallel to her. The boy was fast asleep; his chest rose and fell in a measured rhythm. He looked exhausted.

During the time they had been sharing a room, Kaoru had never dared to look at the other side of the screen, not even the few times she had managed to wake up moments before her partner had dared to cross that line. This had nothing to do with the rules of property; she couldn't put it into words exactly, but she felt a cloak of magic descending on them that would disappear if she tried to risk a look.

It had been her selfish wish to get that bed arrangement. The one time she had used her gift card to her advantage, she had stood before the Guji (head priest) and pleaded her case: she needed to have her own "guard". Of course, she hadn't said any of this to Kenshin -she didn't see the need for it-. Even if she had given a speech full of reasons that made absolute sense back then, the girl knew that she was not fooling anyone and that Guji himself had smiled with amusement and not exactly with admiration for her eloquence.

If she was being honest, she recognized that she had taken liberties with the boy's fate who now rested next to her, on the edge of her futon. But then, he himself had looked so lost, and she -for the first time- had known how to understand the vibration of his ki.

"Accept me," he said.

So she had welcomed him with open arms.

Kaoru breathed heavily, her emotions running high. Her hand stretched out until it reached his partner's chest, without actually touching him, instead her fingers were entertained by playing with the red strands of his hair.

She was eleven years old, the day before she had received a baby in her hands; a year and several months ago, she had been uprooted from her home and delivered to the sanctuary. Since she was a child, she had received visions. She was aware of the reality of the world around her and of the evil that lived in every corner of it. ...The one that lived in every human soul and -sometimes- that those closest to heaven also kept dark secrets.

She was the daughter of a daimyo. She knew that during the last decade, the age of brides-to-be had risen to above fifteen. She also understood - despite her tender age - what the relationship of a man with a woman implied. And that the attraction was not entirely inherent to age; especially for the aristocracy, whose commitments continued to consider as complete women those who received the gift of blood -regardless of the age at which it reached them-.

Kaoru hadn't received hers yet... That was the only thing that had prevented her kuchiyose (coronation ceremony) from not having gone ahead -because her gift practically advanced her in her training-. But even if she delayed until after the age of fourteen, Kaoru could only spend three years as an apprentice, after which time—blood or not—the girl would be crowned Kamisama's chosen bride.

And then…

She wouldn't be allowed to sleep with Kenshin anymore.

Kaoru closed her eyes regretfully, her hand returned to her own chest in a clear gesture of anguish. She wasn't immature enough to proclaim that she was in love with her friend, because she knew she wasn't. But neither was she so childish as not to recognize the bond that now tied her to Kenshin.

She raised her face then, following the boy's figure with her eyes until she stopped at his face. Her eyes fixed on the exposed cheek - the left - where in her vision there had been a scar and where she ended up making a new one.

She dared to caress his cheek; with his index finger she traced the scar in the shape of a cross as she felt her heart clench.

She had changed that fate...

Kenshin's eyelids trembled at the contact, but the boy didn't wake up. He ended up letting out a sigh and then moved a little closer to his partner. Her heart gave a start, holding her breath for a second in anticipation and fear, but the redhead's hand barely stayed a touch away from her waist -her right arm then served as a pillow-.

The doors of the room opened at that moment in a whisper, the miko apprentice looked up above her head, noticing that Kenshin's sword rested parallel to her pillow.

"Yumi-sama…!" She exclaimed when she saw her.

The miko looked at her with a serious -and somewhat uncertain- expression, still holding the doors of the shoji with her arms outstretched. The brunette looked at her long and hard, ignoring the samurai, and after a moment, she turned around and began to move towards the second doors, which led to the corridor.

Kaoru didn't take long to understand that she had to get up.

Careful not to wake Kenshin and -checking that the bow on her iromuji was tight enough- she went after the older one.

Yumi was waiting for her in the corridor, but instead of continuing towards the main enclosures, she turned towards the private patio of the minor's quarters, the one that connected in turn with the purification enclosure and whose other ends were bordered by walls of stone.

The blood froze in the veins of the black-haired girl when she understood what would come next. The punishment block-which was nothing more than a thick log of wood-had already been cleaned and arranged.

They stood in the engawa, Kaoru knowing that the Guji would already be on his way with the fan of bamboo branches. Her hands rested one on top of the other, squeezing the iromuji's white skirt; her lower lip had begun to tremble, and the girl was making an effort not to bite it.

Yumi looked straight ahead, although without focusing her gaze, she just saw... She had a lot of things she wanted to say to her partner but she couldn't give voice to any of them. What use would it be? It wouldn't change her fate.

And, at the same time, she couldn't afford to be cruel enough to remain silent either. So in the end, putting her feelings aside, she decided to speak to her as her superior and not as the sister she had tried to be since she had been put in charge.

"Guji sama and I assumed that you would not want to extend the punishment to your companion and the poor chokkais who followed your orders during the events of last night."

Kaoru's heart leaped in alarm.

"Why should they be punished?"

The miko looked at her from the corner of her eye.

"You ask why when you should know the answer."

The girl looked down, obviously hurt.

"They didn't know…" she tried to justify.

Yumi raised a delicate eyebrow.

"Oh? So we must punish the little samurai who gave orders in your voice." It wasn't a question.

"Kenshin is not guilty!" She blurted out, losing all her self-control.

The white canvas was painted in her mind.

"It was just me!" She confessed, the tears accumulating in the sockets of her eyes, turning her gaze crystal clear "It was me!"

She saw the red ribbon staining the snow of a scarlet river.

"I was the one who selfishly clung to his presence!"

"Then walk forward and accept your fate," the Guji's voice roared from behind her.

Kaoru looked at him startled, tears running freely down her cheeks.

The Guji was a man in his forties, kind and soft-hearted, who was rarely seen exercising punishment -despite the fact that the duty of his position forced him to-, since, before his official entrance to the sanctuary, he had always treated Kaoru almost like a relative as if she were his own niece; so it was disturbing for her to see him with that cold expression.

Unintentionally, the apprentice took a step back. The priest noted her anguish.

"Kaoru dono, you entered this shrine with the firm belief that your destiny was to serve Kamisama," he told her, the words a cold reminder of an old dream, "with a determination that is unusual in one of such tender age. You knew from your gift that you were destined for greatness, for leadership. This is part of that path you have chosen, I'm afraid. Even if we can show mercy, the punishment cannot be ignored. Afterall you altered not just his fate but those connected to it as well."

The girl looked at him for a moment, analyzing the fluctuation of his ki and then that of Yumi.

And then, she understood.

Both of them, using the excuse of the blessing of their gift, were protecting her. Her punishment should be greater. Her companions in the sanctuary would be forgiven for a fault that was theirs. Because even if it had been caused by herself, they had the responsibility of checking that the rite did not suffer sacrilege. Like the one she had committed last night.

And Kenshin was a samurai...

If he were, out of honor, to accept his guilt... "No." She squeezed her eyes shut, pushing away the terrible image that had conjured up in her mind. "No," she repeated to herself, forcing herself to silence the storm of emotions that raged in her chest.

"Hai," she finally answered in a whisper, but calm, convinced that she had to accept that favor.

Kaoru undid the bow of her obi, folding it carefully, handed it over to Yumi -who arranged it on the floor and did the same with the rest of the clothes-, undressed leaving the haneri on the inner yukata -Yumi tied the girl's hair in a high ponytail. Then Kaoru crossed the patio and knelt down in front of the punishment bench; her hands were sweaty, the air felt heavy, and her heart was pounding.

Kaoru uncovered her back.

"Leave the tapes," ordered the Guji.

A small concession, she understood, and did as she was told.

She leaned back on the wooden surface with her arms outstretched, holding onto the edge with both hands, her face tilted to the side, heading towards her room, where Kenshin was still sleeping...

"Don't look at me," she begged while her heart asked to be saved. "Kenshin…"

The heat had left her body, fear dominated her being... Kaoru closed her eyes against the murmur of whispers and the stirring of the air under the fan of bamboo straws.

She tried to brace herself for the pain, forcing herself not to scream…

But when the first lash tore at her skin, the sensation hit her like lashes of fire, contrasting with the cold that had numbed her body. Making the pain of the inflicted wound the only thing her senses could feel.

"Aah!"

…

During the time that Kenshin had been in the sanctuary, his sleep had been void of nightmares which, had allowed him to rest as he had not done in years. Like when he lived in a hut in the center of a village, that now no longer existed; with a family whose faces had been forgotten. However, last night his mind had finally drawn a vivid dream of images of landscapes he had never seen in all his life. A path of cherry blossom trees that dropped sakura blossoms to create a pink blanket on the ground... And the scene of a river full of fireflies in the middle of a hot summer night.

There was a young woman by the river. He had walked towards her, an unknown emotion in his chest. The girl had turned to see him with a smile as soon as she had felt him approaching. But her countenance had saddened the instant after.

He had embraced that young woman, his heart clenched and the desire to never let go.

Unfortunately, that meeting had been left halfway, someone called his name while the heat left him.

"Kenshin"

The young man's body stirred - still in dreams - the sound of short moans reached him from afar.

"Kenshin"

Cold. He felt very cold. There was the echo of a familiar ki vibrating in anguish, and that very anguish had begun to choke him.

"Kenshin. Kenshin."

Sleep began to rush out of him, an alarm in the back of his mind screaming vehemently….

"Kenshin!"

"Ah!" He woke up suddenly, sitting up with a start "Kaoru dono!" he yelled as soon as he straightened up. His eyes adjusting to the morning light and recognizing the place where he was.

Only. He was alone. His breathing quickened, that ki -his friend's ki- screamed at him in anguish and pain... He got up instantly, finally recognizing the cries that were heard in the air. "Kaoru dono!"

He ran out of the room, sword in hand, leaving the shogi doors open; following the pulse of his friend's life force.

He saw the image before he understood it... he saw the arc of the fan descend on the apprentice's skin and the wounds on her flesh. His feet reacted on their own.

"Kaoru dono!"

"Dame!"(no) The order was heard.

As soon as he reached the engawa, his whole body was paralyzed. Beside him, Yumi was upright with the rattle with bells extended in the direction of the samurai, who understood the small mental charm that the miko had exerted on him.

"Stop resisting," she ordered.

Kenshin growled under the control of the spell -a paralyzing technique that consisted of subduing the individual's ki-, trying with all of his strengh to free himself. Yumi had to acknowledge the strength of the young samurai, who seemed more like being held by invisible strings than truly standing still.

"No." She ordered again, with more force, struggling to maintain control of her new enemy. "If you feel some respect for what Kaoru represents, you will not offend her honor by interfering."

It was little, but for an instant, the redhead's will faltered, Yumi realized. She already had an idea of where she should press.

Kenshin glared at her with fierce eyes, and the miko was surprised to see the color transformation that the boy's orbs projected. From purple to deep blue, almost black, gray for less than a second, and then…

Golden.

His enraged eyes had a golden glow.

The samurai was the spitting image of an Oni (demon)…

Yumi could hear the claims that the redhead's eyes projected.

'What crime could someone like Kaoru commit? How can she be deserving of such outrage? How dare they hurt her?'

And underneath that interrogation, a living mantra of blood and revenge.

"I will kill you!... I will kill you!"

This was what Yumi had seen on the tables... The omen of a tragedy.

"Kenshin!" The apprentice's cry reached them between gasps, from the center of the patio.

Everything from his posture to the energy he projected changed at Kaoru's call.

"Onegai..." (Please) She sobbed, the Guji had stopped for a moment and she had taken the opportunity to speak to him, trying to compose herself "It will end... Soon" She promised in a whisper.

Distress.

Yumi noticed the anguish in the samurai's expression. Admiring how, without the need for more words, they were able to understand each other through their looks. But above all, the respect that transpired between them, mainly from him.

Reluctantly, Kenshin released the tension his body had been under, momentarily surrendering to Yumi's enchantment.

At least until the bamboo fan fell back onto the apprentice's back.

Hisbody's reaction had been immediate. His jaw clenched causing his teeth to gnash, his grip on the sword had also grown stronger. He physically suffered from stopping himself from running to his friend's aid.

"Why?" he managed to say, more grunt than words.

Yumi, noticing that he wouldn't try to stop the punishment -not anymore at least- undid the spell, the bells jingled in murmurs.

"Last night, you committed a sin," she explained.

Kenshin shifted between guilty and offended.

"You told me to stay with her," he growled, raising his voice an octave and abandoning the honorifics he always used for anyone.

"That's not the reason, Kenshin kun," Yumi assured him, who suffered just like him from her apprentice's whipping, he realized. "Let her be the one to tell you," she requested.

The samurai couldn't take his eyes off Kaoru, he forced himself not to look away.

After completing twelve lashes, the punishment finally ended.

Kenshin instantly ran towards her.

"Kaoru dono…"

He didn't know how to help her, momentarily paralyzed by the scene before his eyes, disgusted by the damage to the skin of the young woman he admired. How could he carry her? Should he take her back to the room or to one of the other miko that specialized in healing? Should they even remain in the sanctuary?...

Kaoru was breathing hard, tears mixing with the sweat on her skin. Her hair, still tied up, fell down the right side of her body. She had small bite marks on her hands, which were still clinging to the edge of the wood. Kenshin understood that she had tried to hold back her crying by biting onto them.

"Kaoru -he called her with a trembling voice- I'm going to carry you on my back... Do you think you can help me carry you?

The aforementioned looked at him from her position, hiccupping at times, small sighs in the midst of her tears; she looked exhausted, and he knew she was.

Finally, the young woman nodded her head.

She held on to him with trembling hands, clinging to the fabric of his haori, Kenshin took care of the rest. Carefully and hastily, the samurai carried her back to her room. Hikari and Fuu were already waiting inside with the medicine chest. The two apprentices looked contrite, and the marks on their faces showed that they had been crying.

Still uncertain and annoyed, Kenshin allowed the two girls to attend to his partner, but refused to leave her side.

The two young women worked in silence, cleaning the wounds-long crisscrossing red scratches, some still bleeding-they applied sage to the burning skin meticulously as the young woman cringed from the sting. The samurai felt the pain as if it were his own, and that only served to ignate his anger even more. Kaoru was his first friend. His first after her sisters; his first close to his age after the loss of her village to cholera. The first one that didn't look at him with judgments in her mind, or with pity.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice the passing of time. Hikari and Fuu had finished their attentions to their companion.

"She fell asleep." Hikari pointed out, she was the youngest of the group, barely a year younger than Kaoru.

Kenshin directed his gaze towards the black-haired girl. True to Hikari's words, Kaoru was fast asleep, which was understandable considering what she had suffered moments before. She hadn't even had breakfast...

Hikari was the first to guess what the boy might be thinking.

"Himura-kun… for breakfast…"

But the young woman fell silent before the fierce gaze of her companion, who still felt unable to lessen his anger. Fuu intervened to the minor's relief.

"What Hikari means is that we will be the link. So you can stay with her as long as possible."

They would move under his orders; they would make themselves available even beyond their duties.

"I understand…" he finally said.

"We'll be one call away -Fuu continued- in case you need to leave, to take your place."

Kenshin nodded, because he couldn't do anything else. And after a moment's hesitation, the two apprentices left.

Kenshin sighed. Finally leaving the katana aside.

It was going to be a busy morning.

…

Around noon, after a tasteless breakfast -and when he had already reviewed most of the girl's books-, she finally woke up.

The apprentice felt tired, her eyes blinking several times before managing to stay open. Kenshin was sitting next to her, hands inside his gi.

"Hey," he greeted her as soon as he noticed her awake.

"You look upset," she said in a whisper, almost imperceptible, her voice hoarse.

"I am." He replied, the edge of his emotion shining in his almost yellow orbs.

"Don't be, please…" she begged.

He frowned, torn between anguish, confusion, and anger.

"How can you ask me that?" her eyes seemed to say.

Kaoru took a deep breath, emotionally exhausted.

"Kenshin… I made an ill mistake, several, actually… -she confessed, then her throat went dry -Mizu? (water)" She asked.

The redhead stood up almost instantly.

"Wait…" He asked, taking the bottle of water and serving in a porcelain glass. He turned to his partner and, for a moment, he stopped unsure - "Can you?" He requested.

The girl understood the plea, gathered her strength and managed to pull herself up enough to sit on the futon, wincing as the skin on her back stretched.

"I'm fine…" She assured, given the immediate reaction of his partner.

She drank the water with his help, until she had finished it all. Kenshin was putting the dishes on the tray, when he felt the tug on his clothes, Kaoru looked at him, her eyes shining with emotion. "Would it bother you…?"

And Kenshin, who at that point was unable to deny her anything, took her in his arms again, very carefully. He sat with his back against the wall, Kaoru between his legs - sitting sideways - with her face resting on his chest. The boy let her finish getting comfortable and then covered her with the haori that until then had rested forgotten on the floor.

After that moment, Kenshin cleared his throat to get her attention.

"Now tell me. What is this nonsense that you deserved this?"

Kaoru closed her eyes regretfully.

"Honestly I don't know where to start… Kenshin, last night, where did you bring me?" she asked, turning her face so she could look him in the eye. "Tell me…"

The boy looked at her with sincere confusion. He ended up struggling with words.

"I don't understand, what?, why does-?, Kaoru dono…"

"I know that Yumi sama informed you about the rite…" She pointed out, he shifted uncomfortably. "Kenshin, last night, where did you bring me and where should you have taken me?"

He would be lying if he said that he did not understand, that he did not know what she was trying to infer, since Yumi sama had told him so. The anteroom of the girl's room was also a kind of spiritual enclosure, with tables and talismans hung high on the walls. On the contrary, taking her to his room represented a gesture of intimacy.

"Why does it matter?" He said instead, averting his gaze.

Kaoru felt like laughing, but she felt tired, not brave enough to point out the real problem bluntly, without context, without a commendable justification for her feelings and her liberties towards him. So she went for the most obvious option, the easiest and the simplest.

"I am eleven now, and you are fourteen." She pointed, looking away from him. "The gap that separates us has been getting shorter."

Kenshin inhaled and exhaled hard, something like a forced sigh, the only sign that he had been aware of the implications of his relationship with her, even if he had never acknowledged them out loud. Almost as if he felt trapped, in danger of having his feelings found out.

"It may not be much," she continued, "but you are half a year of turning fifteen, a man by the standards of our culture. I am sure that you can understand the danger that everyone sees in your closeness to me."

"I would never force you." He interrupted forcefully, although without raising his voice.

Kaoru nodded, the hint of a smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

"I asked you to stay, and although I can excuse myself for the pain I felt, it was my duty to be aware."

"It would be asking too much of you," he interrupted again, his annoyance evident in each of his words, "you were suffering," he remarked with anguish.

"Perhaps…" she conceded, not allowing his emotions to deter her. "But this is the path I chose for myself. I could have turned it down." She confessed.

He fell silent, surprised by the fact that she was opening up to him.

"My father is a kind man, and my brother is a living copy of him. Not once since I saw Mom die weeks before she left did either of them mention anything about the shrine. It took me a year to understand that they were giving me a way out. They wouldn't say anything. -Her eyes closed again for that brief moment while remembering the echo of a life that feel alien to her now-. Even after coming here, two years ago, when I met you."

Kenshin remembered that meeting. The same had haunted him night after night, becoming the balm of his constant nightmares. Bringing in their place the smiling faces of her adoptive sisters… giving him a glimpse of the nearly forgotten faces of her parents.

"I've always had people around me," she said, smiling, "people who watch over me even at the risk of losing their honor."

Kenshin was shocked.

"Where is the honor in hurting you like this?" He claimed.

"Kenshin." Kaoru squeezed the fabric of his gi, crinkling it between her fingers, a small plea that managed to calm him down. "We all have a duty. -She told him seriously as soon as his anger subsided-. Even if that duty costs us our lives, we must carry it out. Hikari, Fuu, Koga… they all knew that they had to stay until they were sure that the rite was carried out as it should. Yet they chose to listen to your words and left."

"Then it's only my fault." He interrupted.

Kaoru shook her head.

"No Kenshin. They chose." She marked the last words. "For you… but mainly for me. They deserved a punishment just like me. And you too."

The redhead bit his lower lip inwardly, searching without stopping for reasons to contradict her.

"Then why were you the only...?" -He questioned in a muffled voice, finally the anger was giving way to the boy's true feelings.

Guilt.

She straightened up enough to face him, her hands clenching the fabric of the gi around his shoulders.

"Don't you see it Kenshin?" She questioned feeling desperate. "Both Guji sama and Yumi sama were kind to me. You don't want to know the true punishment that should have been given to each of us. Kenshin!" She sobbed. Her eyes closed and her forehead fell on his partner's chest. "You are a samurai…!"

There was a ritual for when a samurai had been unable to protect his lord, either because he suffered great damage and nearly died, or because his lack of duty had been conspicuous.

"Senppuku"

And even if Kenshin understood it, it wasn't enough for him. Not when he had seen her suffer that punishment.

"Even so…"

"Would you have abandoned me?" She finally interrupted him with determination in her blue eyes, which fixed on his. Before that gesture and the emotion that danced in the orbs of his partner, Kenshin gave in. "You have a kind heart, Shinta." She pointed smiling, returning to hide in his chest. "And I abused that kindness."

There was a little silence.

Kenshin didn't believe that confession, and even if it turned out to be true, he found himself confessing that he wouldn't care. She could take anything she wanted from him, and he would be happy to oblige.

"No one in this sanctuary looks at me beyond my destiny…" Kaoru lamented. "Yes, they take care of me, they respect me, sometimes they even joke with me, but even those moments feel forced. There is no real connection, we just share the same space. I'm sure you've noticed."

He had. It was the same kindness with which he had always been treated when he was with Hiko.

"Maybe that's why I became obsessed with you." She confessed. "You irritated me..."

Kenshin chuckled.

"The feeling is mutual," he assured.

Kaoru bit her bottom lip, still afraid to say out loud what was in her heart. He didn't press her. He just breathed her in, drank in her image, and enjoyed her closeness.

"It was me who asked for this arrangement of beds." She blurted out after a long moment of hesitation. "I know I shouldn't have. It was the first lie I told you..."

He had suspected it after the first days they shared a room.

"If it was allowed, why do you blame yourself?"

She sighed.

"When I asked to let you stay with me, I claimed that you would be my bodyguard, my own samurai. Even if there was no oath involved, I was willing to pretend there was."

He weighed her words, delving into everything he knew about a samurai's code of honor and his relationship with his lord.

"Then I should sleep in the corridor." He said, half serious, half joking. "Or in a separate room."

She smiled.

"Oh, but being blessed by Kamisama, I needed my guardian not to have the impediment of a fusuma. -She explained-. If the killer was already inside the room, it would be wasting valuable minutes."

Kenshin huffed, rolling his eyes, then looked at her in disbelief.

"You have a dagger inside your obi, all the time."

"Exactly, the girl blessed by Kamisama shouldn't have to resort to violence.

He laughed again.

"So, I've been working without pay." He accused.

Her brows knitted together thoughtfully, he had a hard time realizing that she was serious.

"Guji sama said that he would take care of that. I guess you will have to see it with him."

"I guess I'll have to." He agreed. Then he looked at her again with a serious gesture. He had noticed how after that slip the air had become tense again. Aware that this couldn't be what really had her friend so overwhelmed. The look he gave her seemed to ask "Is that all?" , and the miko's apprentice hesitated again, he noticed it this time. "If you don't want to talk-"

"No." She interrupted. "No." She repeated. "I want to do it. It's just that it's hard… I don't want you to hate me."

"I never could." He answered instantly.

And she knew that he believed those words. There was no doubt in his eyes, his ki throbbed alive, as if it were an oath of life. Maybe it was, anyway, Kaoru didn't want to have to break that impossible truth. After all, he might hate her, but what depended on her whether this was true or not, weighed less than what depended on him.

So she did not refute his words and, on the contrary -returning to lean on the boy's chest-, she began with the story.

"Even so, I know that this was not where you intended to go."

Listening to that was like a pang in the chest. The boy was aware that he was delaying his departure, although he had not fully abandoned it, and those doubts made him feel slightly guilty. He was being hypocritical, much more concerned with justifying his stay than with acknowledging the reasons for his imminent departure.

"If I have to be honest, I have been questioning myself for a long time if that was really the path I had chosen." He finally said. "Shishou was against me leaving. He also let me go... I still can't find the answer Kaoru dono, but something tells me that being close to you, I will be able to find it."

Kaoru considered that. Her heart doing a twist in her chest. She was happy to be reciprocated, and at the same time, worried about not meeting the standards of that admiration, about ending up disappointing him.

"Could you explain to me now why yesterday was so serious?" Kenshin asked, pulling her out of her reflections. "I understand the implications, but you're only scratching the surface."

"I know." She contritely admitted.

"You don't have to tell me, I can wait."

"Kenshin…" She sighed. She didn't want to be unfair to him. "It's a long story..."

Kenshin then felt the change in his partner's ki. Erratic. There is an echo of fear reflected in the vibration of it. Moved by a feeling until then unknown, the redhead caresses his companion's face, making her look at him. He gives her a smile.

"I have time," he tells her.

Finally, Kaoru starts to speak.

"There are three different ways in which I can achieve a vision."Her eyes have been losing their focus, her mind lost in memories. "The first and most common is through dreams."

"I was six when I dreamed of my mother's funeral. I remember waking up crying and not stopping until the sun hit my face. My brother, Koishijiro, stayed awake with me. Two weeks later my mother became seriously ill. She died of fever, and the funeral ended up being exactly the same as in my dreams.

"Dreams are the simplest form of vision. I see them, but I don't live them. There is no real feeling in these. Many times they are scenes from a story unknown to me; many of these glimpses are out of context, even when they reveal images of people close to me.

"I do not control them, of course, and I can receive them at any time. The scrolls you have seen on my desk are to write what I saw as soon as I wake up, otherwise I may forget them…"

"Your vision of Shinta -interrupts Kenshin, mentioning himself as a third person, long since he began to assert himself of that identity -does it fall into this category?"

She considers it.

"The truth is that I'm not sure," she confesses. "You could say that I was having a dream while awake, a very lucid one. But the Guji insists that seeing ghosts is a different gift."

He shifts uncomfortably.

"Do you think you saw them?"

"I'd like to think so. They were very warm." The girl smiles, then reconsiders and frowns. "And they actually spoke to me, I saw what they wanted me to see."

"I see…" he answered softly. His heart is mired in the same sea of doubts and fears as hers.

Still, Kaoru forces herself to continue.

"After my first dreams, there were little glimpses of uncertain futures. For months, I was able to glimpse those holes through contact. I can't say exactly what triggered it, but once I started training, it was easy to control them, to some extent.

"You've seen me make little omens at baptism ceremonies. That's because when a newborn comes into the world, its connection to the spirit world is much stronger than its connection to ours. Which allows me to touch the thread of its life without having to prepare myself, but even then there may be risks...

"A year ago, Yumi sama and I went to the house of the representative of the daimyo of this region, I had just given the good omen, so I was still semi submerged in that world. Actually, it had been an accident, but my impertinence was wanting to dominate that event.

"When I touch someone, Kenshin; when I am standing on that dividing line, it may seem like a matter of a second, but I live those visions… I don't just see them, I am there, I am part of the event. And if I don't have something tethering me here, I can easily get lost. That is why the rites, the prayers and the songs. They are safeguards that protect me when I cherish those visions.

"On that occasion I was lucky enough to have the ceremony, which allowed me to return. But what I saw... The house was under attack, samurai leaving corpses in their wake. I saw the bodies and the blood. I heard someone say "We should have left Kioto when we could", and I decided to gamble with that piece of information. I snapped back to reality and warned the boss about this, 'You'll be happier if you get out of here…' I said. I was stupid. Every time I remember that I feel ashamed. The damage I could have done...

"Fortunately for me, the representative had already received the offer to move to Edo, and no one saw it as a different omen from the one already given, but rather as a complement. That was the first time Yumi sama scolded me."

Unconsciously, her hand rested on her left cheek, the memory of that slap alive in her consciousness.

"I swore an oath then," she confesses. "And yesterday, Kenshin, I broke that oath."

"You called a vision", he realized, "without preparing."

"It wasn't just that," she denied. "You've seen the enchantments and wards on the walls, it's practically a trap if I don't carry a preparation first. I was aware of that yesterday, I knew the risk, but… -She remembers Tomoe's face, the vibration of her ki that called her like a song.- I chose… -she ends up saying, because she can't think of another word to define what she did- I chose -she repeats forcefully- to ignore that alarm in my head and forced my way into that world."

"Is that why you suffered?" he questions.

He had woken up to the strong vibration in the air. 'Death' sang the echo. Disoriented at the absence of Kaoru in the room, he had risen in alarm as if about to enter a battle. He had been about to unsheath the katana, when he had seen her friend writhe in pain and anguish being held by the hands of that girl, that he could only think of separating her.

Now he recognized the abruptness with which he had acted, perhaps he should apologize to the then guest, but at that time and even now, he knew that he would act in the same way again. His priority had been Kaoru, his loyalty lay with her, even if Guji himself had been in the other girl's place, he wouldn't have stopped to think whether or not he should intervene.

Just like that morning, if Yumi hadn't stopped him, he would have reacted before thinking if he was alright or not. He involuntarily shuddered. The anger he had felt then was unlike any other past experience with that emotion. He was certain, that he would have been able to take his first life then.

And he wasn't sure he was going to regret it.

"In part," she admitted, understanding the emotion in her companion's eyes. She prepared himself to confess what was next. "However, Kenshin, I think the pain came more from trying to get out."

"What do you mean?" He looked at her in puzzlement.

"I tried to enter at the beginning. Force my entry -she explains-. But once I got in, it was like stepping into a whirlpool." She closed her eyes, her body shuddering at the memory. "I sank into it. As if…as if I was barely trying to stick my head out from a dive and found myself under a waterfall. I was terrified…!"

"I saw the images… I saw them as memories… The pain in my chest…! Kenshin… It was worse than when my mother passed away; I had lost someone important, the glimpse of a future that promised to be good, and I had so many regrets and none of them were mine!

"Kaoru…"

"It wasn't me -she confesses- and I can't say it was her either -Tomoe- I don't know, because I didn't see outside of myself, I wasn't just there, I was her… And my heart was divided."

Her face then turned to his. Kenshin was startled by the emotions reflected on Kaoru's face, bathed in tears.

"And when you... when you touched me..." -Her voice breaks, and she feels a knot in her chest that doesn't allow her to speak.

"Kaoru…" He tries to stop her, to dissuade her, but she refuses.

"I don't know what I did," she confesses. "I don't even know if it was me who did it... But, the life that I was invading then, was linked to yours and I... I made a new link"

It's as if a bucket of cold water had been dropped on him, the heat leaving his body almost at once.

Death.

The room had smelled of death.

"I'm sorry Kenshin! -She sobs again. -I saw your future… And I can't tell you, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't… -Her voice has been giving way, her figure equally. The grip on his clothes has been loosening as well, but her face is still hidden in his chest. She is begging him to forgive her.

Kenshin really doesn't know what to say. The implications of that confession, of her crying and the pain she had felt…

'I know this was not where you meant to go.' She had said.

"What would have happened, if I had left you inside the safeguards?" He hears himself ask.

"…I'm not sure," she manages to say after calming down a bit. "Probably the link wouldn't have been cut. I would have only seen her."

"What do you mean you made a union?" He hadn't meant to sound upset, but his body and mind didn't seem to want to coordinate.

Kaoru bit her lip.

"I can not tell you."

His jaw clenched, his ki vibrating in anger.

"So you saw what will become of me, and even when you knew you shouldn't keep seeing, you asked me to stay, prolonging that invasion with that, and you can't tell me?

She cringed at each claim.

"I'm sorry…" she sobbed.

Kenshin was torn between anger and disappointment. The sadness of not being able to receive her full trust for not having the right to it given the status of both, the outrage of knowing being observed without his consent, and the anguish of not being able to really be upset with her. Of feeling like he wanted to help her but couldn't. But to think that the answer he had been looking for was at her fingertips... And she knew it...

Anger will be then, he decided.

"Am I going to die? Or am I going to kill?" He asked with a deep, cold, cruel voice... "Or both?"

Kaoru remained silent, slowly letting go of his clothes completely, and shrinking into herself.

That broke his heart.

"Good," he said, feeling disappointed. "Do not tell me anything."

And he left the room without looking back.

…

It was late in the evening when his sake tasting was interrupted by his baka deshi. Hiko looked at him with the bottle halfway to his mouth, deciding whether or not it would be worth interrupting the evening; the fire had been burning for a while after all. But when Kenshin stood with eyes that danced between violet and gold, the man understood that he could not reject him.

"You're late. -He said. -Months late."

He had been aware of the boy's actions in the sanctuary, of the fascination with which he had given himself over to the young miko apprentice, and of how he had tried to obviate the despair that even now he felt within himself.

His baka deshi still wished to enter the war.

"I wasn't ready then." The boy said, with violet eyes.

Hiko raises an eyebrow, his face showing a gesture between mockery and sincere curiosity.

"And are you now?" He questions.

The gold is reflected for an instant in the eyes of his student.

"That's what I want to find out."

Silence.

Hiko considers his apprentice's words. With that statement, his baka deshi is asking for his master to welcome him back. And although he had been waiting for the moment of that meeting -sure that the boy would return- he first needs to determine where his student stands, when he thinks he finds what he is looking for in his gaze, he finally answers.

"Go and get some water. -He orders.- It's going to be a long winter."

Kenshin takes the bucket and walks away in the direction of the river.

Hiko decides to pay a visit to the shrine the next day.

A/N: I don't think I will be able to translate more chapters in a couple of days...