skenshingumi I LOVE YOU!
Also...
I NEED A BETA!
Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is not mine...
"The dream that we promised ourselves."
April, 1864.
Kaoru had arrived early at the meeting point, too anxious about the possibility that her friend wouldn't show up.
For several minutes she reflected on this concept: friend.
The miko's apprentice had had many friends in her short life, but after she had entered the sanctuary, she was relegated to live behind an invisible line away from the rest. Kenshin had been the first to cross that line. She couldn't say if it had been that way or if she herself had erased those limits. Everything between them had happened so naturally that it seemed absurd to think it could have been different.
The only other person with whom the limits had blurred had been Akira; although then the dark-eyed boy had another interest, the girl had not been able to help but notice the honesty in his feelings. Shinji had come later, but that progress had been interrupted by the redhead's presence as if fate was trying to say something to her in those encounters.
"Kaoru dono!"
That voice interrupted her thoughts.
"Kenshin!"
The young woman's heart raced. Rising to her feet almost instantly, she turned to welcome her partner with open arms, who wrapped her in his arms and lifted her off the ground, spinning with her once.
They laughed exuding joy, unable to do anything else during those first moments.
"I'm so glad you're here," she blurted out, still clinging to him, her arms around his neck.
That same happiness was reflected in his friend's eyes. An instant in which their souls connected through their looks.
"I am too. So?" Kenshin asked, loosening his hold but reluctant to break it completely. "How is this going to work?"
Kaoru was about to burst out laughing, but she contained herself biting her lower lip. Although it was evident in the mischievous look in her eyes that she had a secret. Kenshin looked at her, slightly confused, but unable to erase his smile.
...
That had been a couple of hours ago. Kaoru had explained that she had received a "gift" from the Guji, in addition to the rest of her Chokkai companions -or at least that's what the three priestesses of the Inari sanctuary had told her-, which consisted of taking an "extra" period of reflection before disconnecting from the material world to move on to the spiritual one.
Of course, Kenshin didn't know if that was allowed or not; he had only understood from his teacher that perhaps they would allow him to stay inside the sanctuary during Kaoru's retirement period. But the more his friend explained, the less it seemed like a retreat and more like a vacation.
"And can I go with you?" He questioned not very convinced of how he fit into that arrangement.
Kaoru grinned from ear to ear.
"Of course!" She nodded. "You will be our personal escort."
"Oro?" -He murmured.
That "job" consisted more of being a kind of "guide" or "teacher" in charge of the group. Someone like a chaperone, who would prevent students from going astray. Although that made sense, the young man did not understand why he was being sent and not someone better trained, but of course, he did not question it.
This was a gift he was not going to return.
...
"I can still arrange your marriage if you wish."
Even with the constant pleas of his friend's brother, Kamiya Koishijiro.
As soon as they had reached the sanctuary, the man had made himself noticed. And after the group had dinner, and it was time to take a bath, the Kamiya cornered the samurai.
"You must take advantage of the moment, Himura kun." The man insisted.
The aforementioned was asking to drown himself in the water if with that he managed to save himself from that embarrassment in front of all the chokkais present, who did not stop laughing.
"Although I appreciate the offer, I'm afraid I'll have to decline." He answered with an awkward smile.
In the end, Koishijiro had relented, making a few complaints here and there but equally respecting the boy's decision.
"It's a shame," Koshijiro said as they headed toward the rooms, "I'm sure if my sister had known you since before she received her gift, she would have thought twice before agreeing to join the sanctuary."
Kenshin didn't know what to answer. He stared at him stunned for a moment, his heart hanging by a thread.
The older man sighed, gave him a sad smile, and retired to his room. The minor stayed for a moment struggling in the hallway. Suddenly he wasn't sure what he was doing here.
He sighed anyway and decided to go find a room to stay in.
"Himura kun!" Kago spoke to him, walking behind him. "Where are you going?"
Kenshin found himself somewhat confused.
"Ah, to the dormitories…?" He inquired unsurely.
Kago raised an eyebrow.
"Why would you go there?" He asked more in a sarcastic tone than as an actual question. "Kaoru dono is waiting for you in her bedroom," he informed, like the most natural thing in the world.
"Oro?" Kenshin murmured. He was even more confused.
Kago shook his head while smiling.
"Seriously, Himura kun, you're really funny" he laughed, and then he left him alone.
"Ororo?"
'Could it be that easy?' The samurai questioned himself. For as long as he could remember, after their last meeting - even if nothing was said in words - he had had the feeling that both had reached an agreement and that it was best to distance themselves. Had he been wrong? He questioned himself, arms crossed and eyes closed.
Then he gave up.
If Kaoru expected him, maybe he should just go to her and not question anything, he sentenced, beginning to walk from memory toward his friend's room. It was evident that the others did not see it as improper, although they were not so indifferent either. But still, he had earned that place, he told himself, finally reaching the doors of the miko's apprentice's room.
The tips of his fingers grew cold and a tingle ran down his spine.
Why did he suddenly feel so nervous?
The door was flung open then.
"Aaah!" / "You're finally here!" they both blurted out.
While Kaoru looked serene, Kenshin felt that his heart threatened to beat out of his chest. Its bam, bam echoed in his ears and he hardly understood what she was saying. At the moment he was only aware that she had pulled him into her room, closed the fusuma, and took his hand again in the direction of the private room; where she released him to close the second door.
Only then, with the image of his friend's room, did Kenshin finally get rid of his surprise and nervousness.
The young man looked in awe at the intimate space that he had unknowingly missed during the months of absence. Still noticing each, and every one of the few belongings that he had carried with him then, still occupying their own place scattered throughout the space.
"It's still the same," he whispered, she was able to hear him.
"Nani? (what?) Oh, you're talking about the room". She concluded.
"Well, that's fair, right? After all, you never left, at least not really." She said.
A slight blush colored her cheeks and he thought at that moment that he had never seen a more beautiful girl than his friend in his whole life. "Besides, this will be, without a doubt, the last night that both of us will spend in this room. It seemed appropriate to me." She finished with her hands behind her back in a clear gesture of shyness.
He moved forward until he was facing her.
"I truly love you, Kaoru dono" he confessed entranced and moved.
The black-haired girl smiled understandingly.
"I love you too, but that's no reason to get depressed. We are both following the path we chose," she reminded him.
That tasted bittersweet for both of them.
"We are." He agreed, somewhat surprised that she could still read him so well. "How did you know? Did you see it?"
She shook her head.
"Hmm. It was just a feeling." She said letting go of him in the direction of the wide chest of drawers in the back, to remove the futons.
"Now let's prepare the beds."
Kenshin smiled wistfully.
"You even took out the screen," he pointed out when he saw it at her feet.
"Oh. Yes." She answered evasively, but the blush was evident in her ears. "We are a little older now."
The boy's heart beat again with joy. He felt loved.
They worked in silence; fortunately, both were already in their sleeping yukatas and Kenshin only had to place his clothes on the furniture next to the window, for this time his sword rested next to it. The screen was placed again in the middle of both futons; like a giant and impenetrable wall that made the line that separated them even more evident. With heavy hearts, they both said goodnight over the screen before leaning back and crawling into their respective futons.
It was a somewhat eerie peace. Kaoru's head was spinning with so many thoughts that she couldn't help but speak again.
"Tomorrow we will go to the center of Kyoto, to the daimyo's house, as a reminder of who we were." She said and waited a moment.
"I've never set foot in an aristocrat's house, I'm a bit curious to see what it's like," her companion blurted out, she smiled in relief and continued talking.
"Then we will go to one of the main farms, the intention will be to remember our promise of service and humility. Ah, you don't mind the extra work, do you?"
"I lived with you for almost three months and I survive, didn't I?"
"Well yes, hey!" She complained, understanding his joke, Kenshin chuckled. "I'm not that bossy."
"Not always." He blurted out, still laughing.
Even in the dark, the young man was able to imagine the pout that had undoubtedly been planted in his friend's mouth. "And? what comes next?"
"The Onsen retreat," she replied.
The shrine's Onsen was a little over halfway up the mountain.
"Is it the one near the lake?"
"The same one."
That was where the real retreat would take place. Kenshin knew that while he could be assigned the role of a chaperone of the group, there was no place for him in such a secluded place intended exclusively for the use of the clergy. Most likely, he would be dismissed before he even headed for the venue.
His silence gave Kaoru a certain anxiety.
"We'll sleep apart starting tomorrow," she said, cutting off his thoughts.
"I understand," he answered with a feeling of oppression in his chest.
"Maybe it would be different on the farm," she tried to be enthusiastic, "but maybe it would be a room for the whole group," she mused.
There was a silence before Kenshin answered.
"I understand."
She felt the same tightness in her chest that he felt then.
"Maybe it could be different in the Onsen" she tried to cheer up again, already unsure of who she was giving that encouragement.
"Hmm"
"Although, the truth is that I don't know, since I've never been there."
"Kaoru dono," he interrupted.
She felt her heart hang by a thread.
"Yes, Kenshin?"
There was silence then, and for a moment Kaoru was convinced that she had made him angry. But when Kenshin finally spoke, she understood that he had simply needed that moment to give himself courage and say those words.
"We could remove the screen," he suggested. "Same as last time. If you think it's right."
Kaoru felt her heart grow wings. She smiled to herself.
"I can't consider it wrong now, after having allowed it that time."
"Good." He said.
And after that, the redhead got up, took the screen with both hands, and took it to the back of the room, next to the dresser while Kaoru looked at him stunned, sitting on her futon, her heart going boom, boom in her chest.
Kenshin returned as soon as he finished, holding his nerves as best he could. He climbed back into his futon, lying on his side, looked at her partner, and invited her with a plea in his eyes and outstretched arm to do the same.
She took his hand and leaned back, facing him.
"Better," Kenshin said, smiling even with his eyes and still holding his partner's hand.
Kaoru's blue eyes looked up at him with emotion.
"I missed you." She confessed.
"And I missed you, Kaoru dono."
They spent most of the night talking about everything and nothing. At some point they fall asleep under the lull of their conversation.
…
Parallel to these events, that same afternoon, a meeting of the clergy council had been held, together with the administration of the shogun government in charge of events in the city of Kyoto.
"It's been a long time since there was a prodigy like Kaoru dono, so the imperial court has decided to be part of the ceremony." Informed the Jokai (highest rank in Shintoism) of Kyoto, an older man with a cold face. "Normally, we don't allow strangers, but seeing the situation, we can't refuse. It's an opportunity for the shrines to regain their greatness."
The delegate, a representative of the current government, agreed.
"All the places have been confirmed. We will receive support from the neighboring sanctuaries for the preparation of the festival that will be held in honor of the seer of Inari."
"Though, let's not forget that we don't know yet if Inari will actually be the one to claim her." Said the Guji, who still felt reluctant to cut ties with the current government, an example of this was his consent to allow them to intervene in the preparation of the Kuchiyose.
"Your fellow chokkais will go first; starting with the boys, we will leave the apprentices right after," the Jokai explained.
"Regarding retirement-"
"Everything has been arranged." Momiji cut him off with authority. The Guji looked at her puzzled, though he was quick to disguise his reaction. "There will be no interruptions, nor will there be any change of plans, so your excellency can rest easy."
Udo felt uncomfortable; he couldn't refute her in front of the council for the sake of both of them; they couldn't be seen as a fragmented front.
"Very well." He nodded. He would solve the rest in the sanctuary. "I trust that the mikos of our sanctuary, together with the Maekkai, will keep our aspirants to the priesthood focused."
The others agreed.
...
The next day, the young chokkais were taken in carts to the daimyo's house.
Upon arrival, they were greeted by the former general's wife and the mansion's servants. Most of the young chokkais looked at that elegant house with astonishment as it was the first time they entered a place like this, including Kenshin.
They were given their rooms. The women in one, the men in another, just as the apprentice miko had suspected; and then, they were invited to stroll through the gardens. For them, the first thing that they will have to let go of was luxury.
They were given the freedom to use their time as they pleased, most agreeing to stay together. The house, however, received an unexpected visitor just then. Kaoru, being close to the newcomer, went out to greet him as soon as she saw him, separating from the group.
"Akira!" she exclaimed.
The boy greeted her with the same joy, although with less emotion. Kaoru was happy to see him since after their wedding, she had not heard from him again and wanted to know how things were going for him and his beautiful wife.
Akira was kind enough to blush at the questions about their recent nuptials, explaining that although they were currently residing in Edo, they were both looking to return to Kyoto in consideration of the position that had been offered to him at the shogun's court. This made Kaoru anxious.
All while Kenshin watched from a distance, unable to figure out what they were saying and refusing to try to find out for fear of offending her. But he could not calm the anxiety of his heart.
"It's hell, isn't it?"
Kenshin turned to see the newcomer.
Shinji was standing a few steps behind him, leaning against one of the trees in the main garden. "The way her face lights up," he concluded.
Kenshin was startled.
"No-"
"Don't try to excuse yourself," Shinji cut him off.
Kenshin frowned, thinking his words over before he blurted them out.
"Kaoru dono is like that." He assured. "Far from being still a childish attitude, I think it is simply genuine innocence and sincerity. She does not judge and accepts anyone regardless of their past.
Shinji looked at him for a moment, studying him.
"She exudes love, it's something natural for her, that's what you mean."
Kenshin was about to nod when Shinji continued, walking towards him. He stopped when he was a step away. "And then, there are the people who are close to her, and therefore, much more important in her heart."
"I do not understand what-"
"It's shocking to know that you're not the only one, right?" The young lord cut him off again, finally looking him in the eye
Kenshin was unable to answer for an instant, too surprised by the strength of that response.
"It's not," he started, but Shinji cut him off again.
"It is normal when you want someone for yourself." He said, turning around again. "Don't worry, the look she gives you... She does not give it to anyone else."
The samurai didn't know exactly what to feel then.
"Kenshin!"
The redhead looked away from Shinji to see Kaoru. She was waving to him in the distance, gesturing for him to come to her. He half smiled, returning the greeting but deciding to go in the opposite direction after a moment's thought. He had a couple of things to think about.
Kaoru was surprised by that, thinking that perhaps he had not understood her.
"It was a real surprise to find Himura kun in the group." Akira caught her attention again. "Tell me, has he decided to change his profession?"
"Oh no. No no no no. Nothing of that." She denied, smiling nervously. " He's just accompanying me."
Akira blinked in confusion.
"I didn't know that was possible."
Kaoru's cheeks flushed red.
"It was a gift from Guji sama."
"Oh, I see." Akira agreed.
In her reverie, Kaoru was unable to notice the calculating look her partner had.
It was not a secret to him, after all -and thanks to Shinji-, that the mikos of the Fushimi Inari shrine were desperately looking for a different path for their protégé. And even if he didn't know the reason behind such fears -because they were fears, as if a tragedy was about to happen to the apprentice- he could sympathize with them.
So he didn't question anything else, and the meeting went on without problems.
…
In the afternoon they had a great banquet, almost similar to a party; they even received outside guests. The young chokkais were even rewarded with a bottle of sake that they shared among themselves, barely enough for two glasses a head.
There was laughter and games and the occasional bet; two geishas were even invited to entertain the guests. The young men were intoxicated with life and luxury that they had been deprived of for years.
At some point, Kenshin would swear he had heard Kaoru ask "Would you have liked me if I had been a geisha?" Although the moment and the question had been lost in the echo of laughter and the voices of the others present, Kenshin had answered anyway. "I would have paid to be your Danna(lover)."
Whether she had heard him or not he didn't know, he had refused to look at her then, too embarrassed by his bold confession.
Hours later, late at night, Kenshin had fled to the second courtyard -the one where the guest rooms were located, in a semi-private garden-, he had decided to escape from the older men who, after several bottles of sake, had deemed it prudent to intoxicate the minors.
The alcohol even -in a struggle- had soaked his clothes and his hair. Kenshin undid his ponytail, untangling it as the kamisama told him to.
A pair of hands stopped his own suddenly.
"Let me help you."
His heart skipped a beat, and the rest of his body surrendered to the will of his friend and mate. Looking at the sky for a moment, he closed his eyes, letting himself be carried away by the sensations of the young girl's attention.
Kaoru, still standing on the engawa, took advantage of the difference in height to comb her partner's hair. One by one, she undid the knots with kindness and gentle hands. Not for the first time, Kenshin marveled at the love he was able to feel radiating from a simple task, always from her.
"It's done," Kaoru said while accommodating his red hair a bit once she was done.
Kenshin almost regretted the end of that touch. He turned to face her and smirked at her.
"Arigatou (thank you) Kaoru dono"
Kaoru smiled contentedly at him, her cheeks flushed from the alcohol. Her blue eyes sparkled like precious stones in the dim light of the moon.
Why did that meeting feel so intimate?
"Oyasumi (good night)." She said.
"Oyasumi," he answered, smiling with all his being.
She left first, and he was unable to stop himself from following her with his gaze.
"Aren't you hurting yourself?" Akira asked from behind him, he had observed the encounter.
Kenshin turned to him as soon as he heard him, the bubble broke after that simple but complicated question.
Akira looked at him with pity; finally understanding the depth of the connection between the two teenagers and the improbability that Kaoru herself could have chosen someone other than the young man who was in front of him at that moment.
"By staying this way, so close to her, you notice even more the distance that separates you. You torture yourself."
The redhead reflected on this.
"She's my friend." He assured, after thinking about it for a moment, even if he was aware of the improbability of his wish before agreeing to go with her, no one could deny their friendship. "My first and best friend. I do not want to lose her."
"That's why you don't ask for more than his friendship," Akira said thinking of Kaoru.
"What more could I ask for?" The redhead questioned without realizing that Akira was referring to Karoru, and the older man could saw the desperation in him. "Even if I did, I've chosen a difficult path for myself, one I don't wish to drag her down." He confessed.
Akira knew of course. In the world they lived in, social rank was something that could not be ignored if one wished to ensure a life of providence. A samurai and a priestess, however romantic the story might sound, would never make a good couple. One was a servant of men. The other served the gods.
"I can understand the feeling. It was the same for me." The older man confessed, remembering his own desire to become someone who was able to provide for Tomoe.
He advanced towards Kenshin, lowering from the engawa. He placed his hand on the boy's shoulder in support. "It is an honorable love, the one that you have. I will pray that their paths always converge to each other's."
The young man's eyes widened in surprise for an instant. Then he bowed in respect.
"Thank you so much."
…
"Quick guys!"
Two days later, they were led by the youngest of the chokkais, Hikari, towards the farm where they would spend the following days. Their stay in the aristocracy was over, and now they were heading to a peripheral area of Kyoto, in the agricultural zone.
"Hikari chan is very excited" Yutaro pointed out.
"It's normal. The farm we're going to belongs to her family" Kago informed.
"I didn't know."
An indescribable emotion danced in Kenshin's chest, however, returning to the cultivated fields had shaken old memories; he couldn't tell if they were good or bad, he simply had a feeling of nostalgia and deja vu as they walked along the dirt road.
Just then, Kaoru took his hand, undoing with this gesture any feelings of anxiety and nervousness. Kenshin understood then, that she was just as stunned as he was.
He smiled.
"We are in this together." He convinced himself.
...
Up to that moment, the time on the farm had been the one they had enjoyed the most. Without so much etiquette, or formal language, or rules, the group had been able to run free across the countryside and mingle with the rest of the inhabitants as if they were simple commoners.
Hikari had introduced them to her family, which was as warm as the girl herself, and had given them a tour on the first day, dedicating the second to familiarizing them with the area and the best places to walk and have fun.
By the third day, the youngsters had to take over the chores on the farm. That had been well received, and everyone was satisfied with that peaceful coexistence.
It was at times like these that Kenshin doubted the coming revolution. In areas like this, it was easy to forget that there were others in famine. And he must not forget. He was just at the beginning of his journey...
"Aah," Hikari sighed; they were all in one of the cultivation fields. "I had missed this."
"You aren't having regrets, are you?" Kago pointed out.
"Of course not, I'm just being nostalgic", she refuted forcefully.
In a short time, both had become involved in an arduous discussion, while the others shook their heads with a smile.
Kenshin turned to Kaoru then; his friend was dusting off some turnips.
"Would you have liked to visit your family?" He questioned.
The girl shook her head.
"Although I miss them, it wouldn't have been possible. Edo is not accessible right now." She pointed.
Kenshin had to bite his tongue, he had forgotten that the city was under undeclared siege. No one came in or out.
"And besides... both my father and my brother would be waiting for me with a wedding prepared" she concluded with some irritation "willing to marry me to the first person who came across me."
Kenshin chuckled internally.
"I wouldn't have bothered going with you if that had been the case." He confessed.
Kaoru blinked, totally frozen.
"What!?"
Too late she had realized what he had suggested since he had already gotten up, basket in hand.
"Come on, we'd better bring the vegetables they ordered us for dinner," he said, walking in the direction of Hikari's parents' house.
"Wait Kenshin!" She called him, ready to follow him and then retracing her steps to pick up her own basket; then, she went back after him "Kenshin! What did you mean?"
He didn't tell her, of course.
…
After everyone returned after noon, Hikari's parents informed them of the celebration that would take place the following night, suggesting that they should attend it as part of their farewell to material life.
"To the festival?" Fuu questioned feeling somewhat unsure.
"It will be in your honor after all. And it's the last day before you have to go to the Onsen." Hikari's mother tried to convince them.
Her husband agreed.
"It will be an excellent way to say goodbye to common life and to enter a life in spiritual communion. What better way to experience it all one last time than with a festival?"
"But our clothes," Kaoru pointed out, suddenly realizing how inadequate they were. They barely had a change of clothes.
Chiaki, one of the newer chokkais, hit the table with both hands.
"They gave us money, remember? We haven't used anything yet, maybe it was for this."
"Knowing Yumi sama, I'm sure it was like that," Kago reflected with a smile, remembering his mentor with pride.
The others began to nod.
"But, Kenshin..." Kaoru looked at him.
The samurai grinned from ear to ear.
"Don't worry, I got my pay too," he said, taking the two large bags of money out of his gi.
"It's too much!" They all exclaimed, noting that it was much more than what they had been given.
Kenshin rubbed the back of his neck in an act of clear embarrassment.
"As they owed me several pays, it accumulated as savings," he explained.
The others understood, after all, that had been the excuse for him and Kaoru to share a bedroom at the beginning. His job as a bodyguard. And the Guji had agreed from the beginning to pay for said service.
Kenshin spared his friend a look. He still remembered his last talk with her brother.
"You should buy it. My sister will love it." He had said, the night he had found him wandering in the Kyoto night market. He could only hope that will be the case; the present was hidden in his room.
"Kaoru dono, isn't that great?" Hikari exclaimed.
"Uh, yes, yes it is." She agreed.
Her partner, along with Fuu, hugged her, pulling her away from the group.
"Cheer up, you can go out with Himura kun" they both reminded her.
The blue-eyed apprentice's ears were painted red.
They took advantage of that afternoon to go shopping at night. The girls with the girls and the boys with the boys; although in reality, the groups were not far from each other. Each looking for a good yukata to wear for the next night. Kenshin directed glances from time to time in the direction of the girls.
Kago was the first to notice.
"What's up Himura kun?" He teased him. "Depressed because it won't be just you and Kaoru dono?"
"Oro!" Jumped the samurai caught in the act. "No, of course not, it would be improper," he strongly refuted, embarrassed.
Yuta joined them as soon as he noticed it, but his partner Sato who was smiling with the same mischief as they decided to walk away with the rest of the group.
"Well, it's not like anyone is going to find out, you know?" Yuta assured him, surrounding him by the shoulders. "They gave us complete freedom."
Kenshin frowned.
"I would prefer you not to doubt my honor," he complained.
Both chokkais looked at him in surprise, then gave each other a meaningful look before returning to the redhead with wide smiles.
"Well, what do you think we're going to do, huh?" They both questioned at the same time, surrounding the samurai by his shoulders, one on each side.
At the comment, if possible, Kenshin cringed even more.
"Himura-kun is such a rascal," they both sang in chorus, laughing the next moment.
Kenshin's face was even redder than his own hair.
…
The next day was gone in the blink of an eye, and soon it was night.
…
The boys, of course, were ready before the girls. They had been talking for a while in the engawa of the main entrance when Hikari's exclamation took them by surprise.
"Wow! You all look amazing!"
The four of them turned in the direction of their companions.
"For once you look decent," Hikari chimed in.
Kago snorted, crossing his arms.
"Look who's talking, just now I found out that you were a girl," he refuted mockingly.
"Mou, Kago kun!" Hikari growled, chasing him through the main courtyard while the others laughed.
Kenshin's gaze, for his part, remained riveted on the image of Kaoru. From the moment she had gone out into the corridor, he had not taken his gaze off her. The apprentice, for her part, looked at him out of the corner of her eye, being aware of both her own appearance and that of her partner. His emerald green yukata matched her pale pink one. Kenshin noticed that the Sakuras looked as good on her as did the Jasmines.
They smiled at each other, fitting together as if it were a dance rehearsed since ancient times. With that comfort that they had always had.
"Let's go!" Koga yelled from outside, pulling them out of the bubble they had entered.
The group advanced in the direction of Murayama Park, where the Lights Festival would take place, for this occasion in honor of the future priests and priestesses to join their respective shrines as an official part of the clergy. Fortunately, Hikari's parents' house was close to the area; they barely made half an hour's walk.
The group stopped at the edge of the park where the congregation of people was already noticeable.
"It is not necessary that we continue together, we can go wherever we want, and when the time comes, we will return here, okay?" Fuu suggested, aware of everyone's different tastes.
The others agreed. Kenshin and Kaoru were the ones to stay behind.
"Okay, shall we go?" she invited.
"Kaoru dono," Kenshin stopped her. "If you allow me, I have a present for you."
The young girl looked at him with interest, and her heart raced. Kenshin reached into the sleeve of his yukata until he pulled out a sapphire blue cloth ribbon, which he extended to his companion.
"Kenshin, it's beautiful" she exclaimed excitedly when she saw it, running her fingers through the fine and soft fabric.
It had been years since she had worn any hair ornament...
"Can I?" He asked, pointing to his companion's loose hair. She agreed gladly.
She turned around to allow him to pick up her hair and style it as she had done with him days before. Kenshin marveled at that moment of intimacy with her, took the black strands in his hands, and did his best to tie it into a high ponytail with the help of the ribbon.
"I'm not sure I did the bow right," he said once he finished.
Karou took a small hand mirror out of her kinchaku (Japanese bag) and looked at her reflection. The image she saw left her speechless for a moment to the point of feeling like she could cry right there. It was like remembering a time before the sanctuary.
"It's perfect," she assured moved, she turned to see him. "Kenshin, it's perfect."
And Kenshin thought the same.
"It's normal to feel it when you want someone for yourself." Shinji's words echoed in his mind, and he was finally able to understand them, to embrace them and recognize them.
He wanted Kaoru for himself.
"Let's go. "He offered, extending his hand, and trying to control the feelings that reverberated in his chest.
"Hai." She agreed with a smile.
However his feelings, Kenshin preferred to see her free, even if it was away from him. He wanted to see her happy and full; satisfied and happy to have achieved her goal. He would be glad to be there when it happened.
Because that was how much he loved her.
…
It is difficult to define what happened then. At what moment and under what gesture the emotions began to change? The ambient tone...
"An innocent touch of the hand."
Perhaps that was what the whole experience was about.
"The courage that takes one and motivates the other."
To savor a different life with their fingertips...
"Two hands that finally intertwine..."
And then decide the path they would take.
"The fear that that happiness would not be eternal."
But as the night wore on, the emotions became so intense that they both felt like they were drowning.
"The premise of a forthcoming separation."
It was an event that should be completely filled with happiness, and yet the taste was bittersweet and at times even bitter.
…
The night was still young when Kenshin and Kaoru decided to take a break from their walk through the halls of the shrine.
Sitting on the edge delimited by a low stone wall, they looked without real interest at the scene in front of them, without quite knowing how to define what they were feeling then.
The cloud that was over them had already invaded their thoughts.
"I think," Kaoru began, still somewhat unsure. "I think I finally understand what Yumi sama meant... About all this."
Lots of people were walking past them, some children running around playing catch.
"Do you regret it?" Kenshin questioned, still serene, almost numb.
"I'd be lying if I said no." She confessed, her look had become even more distant and even sad. "I suppose it is normal to wish for another life at some point in our existence. It's just that I didn't think I would want it so soon."
'Run away with me' He wanted to say, but he didn't. "Sometimes, I feel the same envy." He confessed with the same expression as hers. "My family were farmers before they died of cholera."
Kaoru's heart clenched in sorrow.
"I'm sorry."
Kenshin brushed it off.
"It was a long time ago. If I'm honest, I remember my sisters more than my blood family." He admitted. And then, he turned to look at her. When she felt his gaze, she reciprocated the gesture. "On the other hand, to think of a life in which I am not allowed to meet you… is now much more unthinkable."
Agony.
Kaoru's eyes glazed over, something in her chest felt like it was breaking into thousands of pieces.
"Me too," she confessed in a whisper, almost a wail.
Seeing her expression, he was instantly worried. He jumped down from the fence and stood in front of her.
"What's wrong?"
Kaoru shook her head, implying that she was fine, even if she looked anything but. She wiped away the hint of tears, refusing to let them fall.
"You know?" She finally spoke. "I think that, in truth, I never asked myself what I wanted. What I wanted for myself."
Her hands on her lap fiddled with the fabric of the yukata.
Kenshin looked at her in surprise; it was the first time she had made a confession about having a desire other than her goal of becoming a priestess.
"I received my gift being so small that the mere idea of becoming a priestess was enough to feel satisfied." She continued with a sad smile. "I still feel that same fascination now."
Then...
What had fractured in her chest began to break in earnest.
Kenshin's eyes widened at the break in her emotions.
"Demo… (But)"
Her voice broke. The trembling of her lips responded to the immense sadness that her soul felt.
"Demo…!"
'Take me with you' said her heart.
And even if he didn't hear that heartbeat, he still understood... Because he suffered just as much.
"I'm happy to have met you…" he said. He looked down at her lap, gently taking both of his companion's hands, caressing the skin with his own thumbs in a silent gesture to try to comfort her and himself. "Even if… Even if this is all I'm entitled to," he concluded, tightening his grip.
Tears finally ran free down the apprentice's cheeks.
It was too much.
"Me too. Demo Kenshin…" She struggled for words.
There were so many emotions, so intense, that she did not know how to explain herself.
When she finally managed to control herself enough, she looked at him again with a hint of a smile on her lips.
"In another life, I would have liked to be your family."
"Kaoru dono…"
It was as if he were struck by lightning at that moment. Kenshin looked at her stunned. He felt like he was drowning.
'I have the same wish' he thought, once again unable to say it out loud, unable to cross that line.
But…
what if…?
"What if for tonight…" He began, suddenly feeling the words much heavier than before; he steeled himself once more. "What if for tonight we play that such a desire is possible?" He brought her hands to his own chest, pressing gently and desperately at the same time. "Would you accept me?
The tears fell again.
"Always…" she whispered.
Kaoru jumped off the fence, letting herself fall into Kenshin's arms, who received her euphorically.
The lights from the nearby streetlights created an orange shadow effect, simulating a false sunset. In the midst of the noise of the music and the crowd, in a sea of lights and shadows, two souls remained embracing each other, meeting again. They were discovering each other for the first time; an unbreakable bond was forged at that moment, one that united both hearts.
"Where will you take me then?" She questioned, still clinging tightly to her partner.
"To the sea." He answered instantly, his voice full of emotion.
"Will it be as beautiful as it feels in your stories?" she inquired, hands clenching the fabric of his yukata, her feet slightly off the ground.
He breathed her in.
"Even more because you'll be there to see it," he assured, squeezing her closer to him.
She raised her face, eyes still closed.
"Where will we live?"
"We can build a house near the sea…" He suggested, finally opening his eyes, without a fixed point. "Or we can be wanders first and travel the world until we find where to settle to share our days."
Kaoru could see it, she could breathe that dream, caress it and feel it vibrate at the tips of her fingers. They would play on the shore, laughing as they try to catch each other.
She opened her eyes and was greeted by the sight of the deep blue sky, the night dotted with stars.
"Everything you say sounds so sweet."
"It could be true," he hastened to remind her, his hands slipping from her grasp. Hoping!
Always hoping...
Her feet were slowly touching the ground.
"In my heart, it always will be." She promised, her gaze finally meeting with her partner. She caressed his face with her hands. "Arigatou, Kenshin."
Unable to say anything else, overwhelmed by his feelings and the noise of his heart breaking at knowing he was rejected... Kenshin hugged her again, hiding his face between the curve of Kaoru's neck and shoulder.
'I will live only for you. I will help you make all your dreams come true.'
He swore within himself.
'Even if I can't have you.'
They were the first to return to the farm. They spent the night in the corridor of the private garden of the room in which they slept. Sitting side by side on the engawa, leaning on each other and holding hands, they found sleep under the heat of that spring night.
…
Hajime Saito read the report that Okita had given him.
"Kiheitai, the clan of Chosu."
Finally, after almost a month of chasing them, they seemed to have found a starting point, something that showed that there was an underground movement.
"This confirms that the plan for the revolution is still in progress," Okita pointed out. "The question is where are they now?" He pointed to Mibu's wolf. "The group that was in Chosu were less than farmers."
"No doubt intended to confuse us."
"Not to mention the problem of instigators within our own group," added the third of them, Heisuke, entering the small office in one of the shogun's castle gardens.
"What do we know about it?" Saito pressed.
Okita shook his head.
"Nothing yet, they are still missing from the village under the sanctuary, on the other side of the mountain."
Exactly one week ago, the ronin from the village next to the Inari shrine had dispersed without warning, and with no evidence of which direction they had gone.
"This is not good, it's propaganda to turn people against us," Saito concluded.
"We must find them, and we must do it soon," Heisuke said, "And I may have an idea of where to start looking."
His companions agreed.
…
On the last day at the farm, Kenshin had gotten up before the rest. He had headed for the river that fed the crop fields near the beginning of its course. He carried a fishing rod and arranged to be alone for the whole morning.
He was, after all, heartbroken.
He had let go of several fish after them taking the bait when Kago found him -hours later- the samurai's eyer, however, remained lost in the river waters. Being the oldest and, therefore, the most intuitive of all, Kago had been able to notice the change in the attitude of his companions.
"You look more upset than when you just arrived at the sanctuary." He blurted out, sitting next to Kenshin.
He carried his own fishing rod and settled in for the activity. The redhead didn't even spare him a look, totally lost in himself.
"I have too many things on my mind," Kenshin said.
Kago nodded, letting the calm of the place wash over them.
Suddenly the silence broke.
"Do you know Himura kun? -He began. -Sometimes, Heaven puts us to the test so that we discover if the path we choose is really the one we want. And if it is the one we want, to discover if we are ready or not to follow it."
The sunlight bounced off the surface of the water and marked reflections on the figures of both boys, giving the impression that they were also inside the river.
"Are you giving me advice? Am I that obvious?" The samurai snorted, though without real annoyance.
"It takes one to know another."
That unnerved him.
"What do you mean?"
Kago smiled up into his partner's astonished face, so defiant that it seemed to question why he was surprised.
"Hikari has been my love since we were children, and we lived next to each other on her parent's farm." -He confessed to Kenshin's greatest astonishment. "But I come from a family of priests, I was expected to choose this path. For a long time, I was convinced that Hikari was just a test to test my strength and my desire to join the priesthood."
Kenshin could sympathize with this, he too, had wondered if it was all just a test to tempt his honor and his desire to fight.
"Of course, I didn't expect her to follow me, and although I still thought it was a bigger test, I didn't expect her to confess to me. And much less…" He sighed, with a contrite smile. "To discover that my heart desires a life with her, no matter the conditions, as long as I can live by her side."
From afar, it could be thought that both boys were related and that the older one was scolding the younger one, Kenshin being the last one if his disbelief was any evidence of it.
"Then I was a fool…" Kago continued laughter at his words. "Now I am grateful that his love for me was strong enough to follow me here."
Kenshin's heart sank.
He couldn't even entertain that idea.
"I admire you." He finally said. "I can't follow her. And I can't ask her to come with me either." He confessed with some embarrassment.
He would never come between Kaoru and the dreams she had. She would be unable to tear away that possibility, to ask her to drop everything and follow him. Much less even, when his own fight was still not fully defined.
Kago looked at him for a moment, sizing him up.
"Either way…" He said after being satisfied with his analysis. "You can promise yourself to someone and honor that promise every day of your life, even if that promise is reduced to sporadic visits."
-Even if that person isn't promised to you.- It was what he was really telling him.
The samurai smiled ruefully.
"It doesn't sound very encouraging."
"Why not?" Kago challenged. "If you're going to fight in the war, wouldn't you feel more at ease knowing her free and safe? Always in the same place waiting and at the same time or not, for your return."
-I'll be here for eternity.- Kaoru had told him in her first letter.
"Sometimes, we have to make do with what little we have. No. Not just settle, but seek to be happy and make the best of it."
Could they both do it? He questioned himself. Could they be united in the distance? Would it be enough for them?
"On the other hand, if you both wish it…" Kago began, stopping to take out the fish that had bitten. "You can deny your respective destinations and run away together."
"I couldn't do that to the both of us," Kenshin replied instantly.
Above all, their relationship was based on friendship, unwavering faith in each other, and mutual support to fulfill their dreams, whatever they were. Not to cut their wings.
"Then smile my friend," Kago told him, smiling. "And cheer for her. Her dream is about to come true."
"It is." He thought. His heart squeezed in his chest.
He didn't want to let go of her yet…!
…
Kenshin was surprised that they allowed him to accompany them to the Onsen the next day. Once there, he was even more surprised when he they told him that he would also go in like the rest, and that he could stay with the group.
That area of hot springs was closed exclusively to them.
"Don't give me that look." Kago scolded him when he noticed how uncomfortable and anxious the redhead looked. "We are not breaking decorum or questioning anyone's honor. Today, we are children of the night." He stated.
After all, it was already late when they had arrived at the place.
"We'll all sleep in the same room," Fuu informed after entering the main enclosure where they would remain.
There were only two servants present, who would be in a different hut, right at the entrance of the Onsen. The main house where the young chokkai would stay, though austere, had a noble air. The hot spring area was entirely surrounded by the main building structure, successfully concealing access from anyone outside.
"We'll also need to change our clothes," Fuu continued, noticing with some sorrow and understanding the instantaneous reaction of surprise and reluctance to what they should have already begun to renounce.
For the third time, Kenshin felt uncomfortable. Although he was grateful to be able to accompany Kaoru even here, he felt that he was intruding into something sacred that had nothing to do with him. He forced himself to turn off these thoughts; it would be useless to be depressed then. And despite having a broken heart, he was able to smile honestly, to enjoy even that last day in the company of his friend as her equal.
In the afternoon after a last elegant dinner, the teens bathed in the waters of the onsen dressed in their yukatas. By then, the group had become much closer and more united; the jokes were more natural, and the laughter more frequent.
Kago and Hikari kept taking the scene with their constant arguments, making the others laugh with their witticisms. Kenshin saw that dynamic differently after his conversation with the Chokkai. Understanding that "annoying" his partner with those comments was the only way he could approach the apprentice as he liked without ever crossing the line, which marked the distance he should respect.
The samurai could see it now. The blush on the minor's cheeks, the small gestures accompanied by a caress... Without a doubt Kago was reciprocated. Kenshin wondered if he and Kaoru were the same, if they were even already stealing time from time and sharing secrets when they thought no one was looking…
'Could I live such a life? To be satisfied with admiring her from a distance?' He had inadvertently taken his partner's hand, and in response, she had leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder.
"Is this what it would be like if we wandered around the world?" Kaoru asked. The laughter and voices of their companions covered their own voices.
"Less crowded, I hope, but yes." Kenshin teased.
Kaoru laughed with him.
"Then, I'm happy," she confessed, looking into his eyes. "I'm happy that we at least got to experience it once."
Even if it hurt, he thought, he could be happy just with that memory. Both had the motivation to improve the world; although the ways they had chosen were different, they recognized in each other the same appreciation for life. They could understand that the same love they had for the other was the one that would give them the courage to let each other go.
And they were grateful that their lives were enriched by their encounter. Both had grown together in those shared months and even more during the time apart.
"This is enough." They both thought.
...
They woke up hugging each other the next morning.
They hadn't been the first to wake. Chiaki, Fuu, and Yutaro were already standing up and making noise in the kitchen, which was in the next room, but since the house was an area of open spaces, the noise couldn't be hidden.
Kaoru woke up with a feeling of fullness, even if hours later she would have to part with Kenshin, in that instant she felt a sense of being home. Something had changed during the night although she still couldn't define what.
She opened her eyes almost at the same time as her partner, both of them taking a couple of seconds to get used to the light and then looking for each other's gaze. Kenshin was the first to smile. Feeling a bliss that was only evident when she was involved.
The miko's apprentice returned the smile. She was going to tell him something, leaning toward him, but when she moved she noticed something between her legs.
A slightly uncomfortable feeling, and of a sticky consistency, as if she were wet. Her expression changed instantly as her mind informed her of the possibilities.
"What's wrong?" Asked Kenshin, evidently concerned at the expression of anguish on his companion.
Kaoru hastily flung up the cover of the futon, sitting up to discover what was between her legs. Kenshin got up with her and observed with the same fascination and bewilderment the red stain that stained his companion's yukata.
The young girl got up quickly and left the house towards the onsen. Kenshin was up two seconds later behind her.
"Kaoru dono!" He shouted.
But Fuu stopped him by pulling his arm.
"I'll take care of it, Himura kun," she assured him, giving him the silent order to stay out of it.
He agreed silently, but it was clear how stunned he was. What did that mean? And why just now? He didn't know what to do or if he should do something.
"Himura kun" Chiaki spoke to him, attracting his attention instantly. "Help us with breakfast," she asked.
The samurai appreciated the distraction. Dedicating one last look to where his companion had left, he went to the kitchen space.
…
Kaoru, for her part, had just arrived at the bathroom, had taken off her yukata and used it to clean the remnants of blood between her legs.
"Why now? Why now?" she murmured over and over again, embarrassed and between tears.
Fuu entered a moment later, carrying small towels in one hand and a bowl of hot water in the other; leaving the latter on the floor, she approached her partner and took her by the shoulders.
"Kaoru dono, calm down." She ordered her with a firm voice.
The black haired girl barely stopped her actions; she was totally distressed.
Fuu asked her to take a deep breath along with her, and Kaoru imitated her until she managed to calm down, wiping away her tears an instant later. Her friend fixed her gaze on hers and smiled at her with tenderness and understanding. "It is normal. You're almost twelve; it's normal."
The tears came out again.
"It is normal." Kaoru repeated.
"Breathe." Fuu ordered again. "Now let me clean you up."
Kaoru left herself in Fuu's hands; the older girl cared for her as a mother would for a daughter, a sister for her little sister. She took her back to the hot springs, instructing her on the advantage of the heat in those days to avoid pain.
"Maybe it's a sign from the gods." Fuu said once Kaoru had relaxed and was sunk in the onsen with the water up to her shoulders. "Your spring has arrived," she concluded.
The little girl didn't say anything then, although the word -spring- echoed in her mind.
"I'll get you some change," Fuu said before walking out and leaving her alone.
The word had been planted in his mind and was already taking root in her subconscious. Over and over again until the words came out of her mouth.
"My spring…" she whispered. And her next thought inevitably led her to a person. "Kenshin."
Even if it was her own selfish wish, the gift of blood had come to her while being with him; after all the moments shared between them could anyone truly deny her the connection she was feeling in those moments? Between her awakening and their meeting? What did that awakening mean? Was it the way the gods reminded her that, as a man and a woman, they were not to share such closeness, such intimacy?
And if so, why now? If, in any case, after the Kuchiyose, less than two days away, it was clear that their paths would separate. If even they recognized it to the point of leaving, saying goodbye to the other from the first day of retirement, why send a warning now?
Like lava from a volcano, an internal whirlpool surged into her center and rose faster and faster. The emotion of her frustration rose to the surface in the form of angry tears.
She was furious!
Desperate, confused, disappointed, broken, disillusioned and… Angry!
She cried with her mouth open, letting out everything that burned in her chest; feeling unable to stop, she sobbed all those illusions built in silence, hand in hand with his companion. Dreams danced through her mind, images of that beautiful world they had just started to built and to which they had said goodbye on the night of the festival.
This was a death.
A mourning that she would carry with her after surrendering to the gods. She recognized the hope of wanting to believe that another path was opening up for her. And the desperation of asking to be offered another path, and at the same time demanding such an offer.
She was fine before him; she had no doubts. Why now? She was screaming. Why now? She questioned.
"I don't regret meeting him," she said between sobs. "But why now?"
Why now when she felt like she couldn't turn back?
"Kaoru dono!"
Fuu ran in when she saw the crying girl, just when Kaoru had dropped herself. She got into the pool, still wearing her yukata, and lifted her partner up.
"I'm sorry, Kaoru dono." She murmured as she hugged her companion tightly and cried with her. "I'm sorry."
…
That day, the blue-eyed miko apprentice remained secluded in a private room.
For hours she cried as she felt the remnants of her broken heart crumble like dust.
…
The next day, Kenshin decided to leave.
'You're only hurting yourself.' Akira had told him, and the redhead had found those words becoming more accurate over the last few days.
"You're leaving today." It wasn't a question, even if Kaoru had said it like one.
The young man had smiled sadly.
"I think it's for the best," he said.
It had broken his heart to see the evidence of tears on his friend's face. Standing in the engawa, her black hair loose and her feet bare. Beautiful as he always found her, even if this time there was no smile gracing her face.
How was it possible to feel your heart break so many times!?
Kenshin clenched the gesture, an action intended to hold back what he felt. Smile on the verge of crying.
"I promise to be during the ceremony."
Kaoru barely nodded.
"Ja na."
The sun had just begun to rise; the light fog -a remnant of winter- began to dissipate under the heat provided. Kenshin was covered in shadows, a contrast to the light behind him.
He turned and started walking.
-Go-
There was an internal voice that had begun to make itself heard in Kaoru's consciousness. An impulse of the soul that tried to move the body.
-Move on-
Emotions rising from their center the same as the day before. Tears welling up in her eyes.
The letter still hidden in her hand.
-You're going to lose him.-
That was all it take to move her.
"Kenshin!" She shouted.
With all her strength.
"Kenshin!"
And she ran after him until she caught up with him.
"Kenshin!"
The samurai had stopped at the first call, turned at the second, and rushed to meet her at the third.
They collided in a hug.
"I can't. I can't let you go" she sobbed, clinging to him as if her life depended on it."I can't let you go, Kenshin, I can't… I don't want to!"
He cried with her.
"I can't either."
Why was it, that even if they were drowning in sadness, they felt like they could finally breathe after that confession?
Suddenly encouraged by being reciprocated, Kaoru gently broke the hug and for the first time since the previous morning, she gave him a sincere smile.
"Kenshin" she spoke to him "I'll be selfish now."
She showed him the parchment then, the paper he held in her hands, and handed it over. Closing his hands with her own, she looked at him with a message hidden in her sapphire eyes.
"Kaoru dono…" he felt so confused and happy, and insecure.
"This is the only way," she hurriedly assured him. Behind them, the others had begun to get up inside the house. "Trust me."
"Always." He answered her.
She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek.
Then she turned and walked away.
She had been right, Kenshin reminded himself. If they had fled that morning, he would have sullied his mate's honor, a stigma he was not willing to make her suffer.
"But at least we would be together," he thought. "No," he reproached himself. If they had left that morning, they would now have even more regrets.
At that time it was a consideration of her towards his feelings. She gave him the option of refusing by giving him a way out, even if he wanted anything but to leave. And perhaps his mistake had been just that. He had arrived too late when the sanctuary was already being engulfed in flames.
On time, but late.
Kenshin raised his face, trying to remember that last meeting before the tragedy. Before his hands were stained with blood like right at that moment, in which a dozen men were dead at his feet.
That kiss had been sweet, he reminded himself.
Her words even more so...
It had been a plan to escape with their honor intact.
…
Kenshin…
After the Kuchiyose, each new priestess is sent to the atrium of the kami who has chosen her. There, she will wait for his visit. But during the night, the priestess is in solitude.
Kenshin, I told you that since I was a child, I have wanted to enter the sanctuary, but it is also true that before this I had another wish. And now, I want something different from what was offered to me as a child.
If your heart beats the same as mine, Kenshin... Come get me on Kuchiyose night. Meet me in the atrium, and I'll run with you.
Kaoru.
…
"She could have chosen differently." He repeated. A lament that even now served him to carry out the role he had adopted in the fight for a new era. A feeling of having suffered an injustice that he clung to tooth and nail.
He cleaned his katana before resheathing it. He took out from his sleeve the poster that he was to leave on the body of the leader of that clan, letting it fall on his face.
If he wanted to create a free world for Kaoru, he told himself, he must first destroy the old one.
The hitokiri slipped away into the night until he was lost in the shadows.
Once again, he had made blood rain.
A/N: A review will motivate me to continue to translate this without losing my mind in the process...