Melina M. Zouni I do understand the confusion. Although you must keep in mind that Kaoru -despite her maturity due to the context of the time she lives in- is still a child. Her love for Kenshin is more innocent and philial, especially before the fire events. It's after this experience and her reunion with Kenshin that her feelings start to change. Same as in the manga, where she wants and loves Kenshin in a child-possessive way until their goodbye when he hugs her. That action -which was a confesion from Kenshin to her- was very intimate and shook her to her core. It's when she starts questioning not only her feelings for Kenshin but what she wants from him "What would her answer to his confession be?". Her arc, afterall, is her road to womanhood.
In my story, it is something similar; it starts as friendship, then grows into a philial love and yes, she wants to be with him as she cherishes him the most, but she is not in love with him yet. Although she develops an attachment and a certain feeling of possession over Kenshin, she is not clear about what it is to fall in love, much less love someone. When she says "I though you rejected me" she refers to him refusing to take her with him, but again, not as lovers. When Hiko confronts her that's when she starts considering her feelings as something more than a philial love. Her love for Kenshin has always been sincere and honest, without wishing for something more intimate. This is why it is difficult for her to come up with an answer because until then, the examples of what love between lovers should be had seemed different to her.
There's also another aspect to consider, which is translation; in Spanish we have te quiero y te amo, and their usses differ on the intention and the type of love; but in English you only have I love you... So many of their love expressions were te quiero (I care for you - ¿me hubieras querido si hubiese sido una geisha?) and not te amo (I love you as a lover).
Hope that explains it better.
Btw, don't hate me again for starting with my mistimed and unruly narratives, you should be used to them by now XD
"Timeless"
- KAORU -
She's burning.
Kaoru is on fire.
Plunged in the middle of a nightmare... She screams!
It is fire that consumes her. It chokes her and doesn't let her breathe. Amid a storm of flames that promises a shower of ash, Kaoru tries to catch up with Kenshin. Moving between the smoke and the heat... One last message that she tries to get across.
"Live, Kenshin!"
The flames grow, and the wood creaks like a loud roar. The air encourages the fire, and she tries in vain to breathe; there is too much smoke!... Although she tries, she knows that she is losing consciousness.
"Live!" She screams in the middle of the mist.
After that, there is only darkness.
…
Kaoru's eyes snap open, waking up to the darkness of her room. There are footsteps outside in the hallways, and it's Sato who calls out to her vehemently.
"Kaoru sama, you must attend immediately."
The priestess requires a couple of seconds to compose herself. Her head is spinning, and there is a constant ringing in her ears. She rubs her face with both hands as she sits on the futon.
"Kaoru-sama!"
"I'll be ready, Sato. Is Hikari with you?" She asks, because the help of the eternal chokkai is necessary to put on the clothes.
Given the hustle and bustle, the miko deduces that she'll have to attend to some external matters. In recent weeks more and more have requested her presence, especially after the Kiheitai's foray into the revolution and their latest victories on the battlefield.
However, there is no response from the other side of the fusuma. Only silence receives her.
"Sato?" She calls him.
Silence again.
Kaoru throws the cover off the futon and gets up in a hurry, determined to find out what's going on. She crosses the room in just eight steps and draws back the fusuma.
"I thought you wouldn't come, Your Excellency."
It is Saito who receives her. For once, he's not wearing the mask of his smile; on the contrary, his expression is sincere, and what he expresses is a mixture of genuine concern and annoyance. His figure stands out in the heat of the torches; it is still night, after all.
Kaoru, dressed in her maiden clothes and with her company of chokkais, is not intimidated by the presence of the Shinsengumi, nor by what the new members investigate behind Captain Hajime's back. She throws her shoulders back and walks proudly.
"Gomenasai (Excuse me), I came as soon as possible, given the circumstances."
Saito follows her with his gaze, internally feeling admiration for the young maiden's integrity. She barely wrinkles her face when she arrives in front of the tragedy, stopping a few steps away from the corpses.
"How long ago?" she asks, unable to stop staring at the bodies in front of her.
"Less than half an hour," the captain answers looking behind his back.
Six of the shogun's men, and four ronins (samurai without an owner) were all dead and arranged in a row. All have sword wounds on their bodies however, none of these are fatal.
"I trust you know why we called the shrine," Saito tells her, taking a position to her right, arms folded. "Until now, only a priestess was known with the power to immobilize to such a degree and, on top of that, make them drown themselves."
There are murmurs among the chokkai who accompany her, she would like to have something to say to defend the clergy, but she cannot. Even with Momiji dead, it is well known that she had instructed the chokkai under her charge; more than one might have taken up the mantle of their late teacher, especially after the fire tragedy a year ago. But Kaoru knows that there is no one with such exceptional power.
Nobody except one.
"However, there is no pattern," Kaoru points out, trying to divert the point of accusation to the shrine. The men who lie here were enemies among themselves.
Saito smirks.
"We can then assume a third side, one with resentments towards both fronts."
"The Kihetai?" She unintentionally offers; her young mind is still incapable of developing better answers.
"I wish it would be like that. It would be so much easier." Responds the man funnily, then he becomes serious again. "But I don't believe you are so blind as not to see what is in front of your eyes. Even with their victory after the end of Mito's rebellion, there's no way they'd get here that fast. And this has been happening for two months now, after your return, should I point out."
"What you're saying is a serious accusation," Hikari answers from behind them, unable to remain silent in the face of such a threat, the rest of her classmates looking just as upset as her. "Why would her excellency do such a thing?"
The captain gives her a long look before answering. But it is not Hikari that he is addressing, but Kaoru, the same maiden who, years ago, witnessed his union with Tokio and how much the latter loves her. And Tokio is not a woman to waste her affections on someone who doesn't deserve them. And neither was he.
"You were his acolyte once. You should know." He says. Then he looks back at the lifeless men. "And if you do not… you could ask them."
"That's blasphemy!" The protests of the chokkai roar.
Kaoru cringes internally because what he's suggesting her to do goes against her gift. Not because she couldn't do it, the visions sometimes worked in reverse, it was true... sepia images in the minds of those she was divining. But this is different.
"Kaoru miko sama's power is not necromancy!" The young apprentices protest.
Okita arrives then, his polite smile gracing his face.
"Oh, I thought speaking with ghosts was a gift of the Shinto priests." He says, standing right on the opposite side of the priestess. "Weren't they supposed to train you in said arts?"
"You make a good point, Okita," Saito nods. "Or maybe we should wait a little longer?" He suggests.
Kaoru frowns, 'Praying for damned souls, how far is this man planning to go?' she wonders. Conscious at last that all this had been a trap.
Hikari doesn't want to give up either. "That's different, you can't ask..."
"Enough." The blue-eyed psychic interrupts her.
"Kaoru-sama?" Her chokkai looks at her, confused.
The prietess looks at the corpses for a second before fixing her gaze on the captain of the third division. She remembered what the man had warned her about the afternoon he had gone to escort her back to Kyoto.
"I am a man who follows his principles. Even if I still haven't fully paid my debt to you because of Tokio, that doesn't mean I'll turn a blind eye to what you do in my city. Aku Zoku Zan (The bad guy must die). "
"Are you sure it was only half an hour?" she asks without taking her eyes off him.
The man responds to the gesture, analyzing her in turn.
"Plus the time we've been chatting." He answers.
The young priestess nods once, then turns to where the fallen have already been covered with white sheets.
"You don't have to, Kaoru-sama." Hikari insists, her classmates supporting her with similar comments.
But the maiden does not allow herself to listen to her prayers; she understands very well what will happen if she refuses. She moves towards the bodies and stops at the closest one, a young man who would have been less than twenty years old.
"Gome," she apologizes.
Her right hand approaches the young man's face, touching his face with trembling fingers after having removed the cloth from him. The maiden's blue eyes light up for two seconds, like two silver-blue gems.
"Jineh"
In the midst of the chaos of images that follow one another in such a brief moment -a film of precious and secret pictures of the former leader of the Inari sanctuary- it's the feeling of anguish that stands out from all the other emotions.
"Kill them all!"
It is the thread of two lives that lived parallel to the other; fragments of mirrors that held equally cut memories, of joys and encounters, of sorrows and sadness; of broken promises.
"Momiji…"
The pain of both.
"Kill them all, Jineh Udo!"
"Ah!"
Kaoru falls face down to the ground, getting as far away from that corpse as she can.
"Kaoru-sama!"
The chokkai rush to her aid, surrounding her as Hikari holds her in her arms; the priestess is trembling, and the anguish that dominates her is evident.
Saito then approaches while the clergy look at him suspiciously.
"Well?" He asks.
Kaoru holds his gaze for barely a second before looking away and shaking her head, biting her lip until blood was drawn.
"That's what I thought." Declares the man.
That night, the former Guji of the Fushimi Inari Shrine, Jineh Udo, is proclaimed a public enemy of the shogunate.
Hikari re-wets the compress with cold water. She squeezes it just enough, managing to keep it wet to put it back on the priestess's forehead. This one is pale and weak after days submerged in the divination rite. The candles that burned from day one are still burning against all logic, reluctant to allow darkness to dominate the room.
"Don't get lost, Kaoru," she begs. "Do not get lost."
Her heart squeezes; there is still guilt within herself. If only she had been more firm... she tells herself, perhaps the maiden who is now a prisoner of the whims of the gods would not have had to face such a monster.
At the moment, she can only keep watch over her.
The doors of the fusuma open hastily and somewhat abruptly. The sun has already planted in the sky. Kaoru re-enters the chambers that have been hers since she entered the sanctuary. Hikari runs in after her.
"You can not go!" She demands her.
Kaoru doesn't stop to face her; she dedicates herself to searching among the drawers for objects that she will need for her trip, as well as a couple of clothes.
"It's a suicide mission, and you know it," Hikari continues. "They expect you to do their dirty errands because they're too cowardly to do it themselves."
"Yes, they want to do it," the maid finally refutes, "we are the ones who can't afford them."
The previous Guji, despite his recent crimes, was practically family. Kaoru cannot allow an alien group that sees him as nothing more than a criminal, a man who has lost his way, to hunt him like an animal. The young maiden wants to believe that, even after sinning, anyone has the right to find forgiveness as long as they are willing to change.
Hikari looks at her, annoyed.
"Why not? They are the ones who paint us as criminals; why not leave them now one that is a criminal?"
Kaoru turns to her then, interrupting her meal. Hikari is planted in the middle of the dining room. The rest of the Maekkai, including their apprentices, watch the scene attentively. It is evident from their expressions that they think the same as the eternal chokkai.
"I'm beginning to think you find joy in the deeds done by the old Guji," Kaoru points out, not wanting to fully believe her own accusation.
The minor is not intimidated, on the contrary, she remains as haughty as she was at the beginning.
"Why shouldn't I? " She claims, crossing her arms.
Kaoru risks a look at the rest of those present, who don't even hide their interest in listening to the conversation; they remain still and await her response.
"You can't be serious," she mutters under her breath, feeling cornered.
"Except that I am." Roars the girl. She kneels in front of Kaoru and hits the mat with both hands. "They plotted the whole thing about the attack on the shrine and killed several of us, Kago included."
A thorn pierces the maiden's heart, and she looks askance at the chokkai.
"You can't make everything about Kago and the fire."
She still remembers them, of course. For a year she blamed herself for their deaths. And even after Yumi's departure, she was unable to forgive herself… Except until Kenshin….
"I'm not making anything about them; they are the ones that make everything about us."
Hikari is once again standing at the entrance to the Guji's room, where the new high priest - a fair-skinned, chocolate-eyed young man named Matsumoto - was arranging with the seer the group of Maekkais and Chokkais who would go with her to the quest of the renegade guji.
"And they were the ones who caused their deaths. " Finish off the minor.
Matsumoto frowned at the chokkai's words.
"He is killing left and right." The high priest refutes with a severe gesture.
Kaoru can barely think of something to say, not really knowing who she should defend.
"And they both deserve it," Hikari strongly rebuts. "Both sides are as guilty as Guji Udo. It's no secret that it was a political move on both sides."
"You forget ours." Sato answers, there is bitterness in his voice "We were the ones who made the deal."
"We had our reasons." The young woman growls.
Kaoru sighs; she can't let this go on; time is against her after all. She's competing against the Shinsengumi and whoever tries to stand up to the ex-Guji.
"Even so, I have to go," she tells her.
Hikari looks at her in anguish.
"Why?"
While Kaoru smiles sadly at her.
"You said it well; he is one of us."
And she advances, leaving the young woman behind.
She is ready now; the group that will accompany her is going through the last details, all gathered under the Tori.
"I can not let you go."
Hikari, tireless, has not stopped trying to convince her.
"I'm not asking for permission."
"Kaoru!" The girl sobs. "If something happens to you, the sanctuary will fall."
"It will not. Sato, Sasaki, and you will be in command. Not to mention the new clergy."
"None of them have any intention of protecting the sanctuary and what it represents. You know it as well as me. The only one who represents something here is you. You can not go away."
The miko's anguish and despair are so strong, that she could almost feel them with her hands. The maiden understands the reason for so much concern. After years of trying to survive the rebellion of the changing world, one more attack could be deadly.
And yet, despite the pain evident on her friend's face... the blue-eyed priestess knows that she cannot refuse to walk the path that has been laid out for her.
"Watch me," she tells her just before leaving.
…
Since when has she been blaming herself?
She asks herself while tossing and turning between dreams.
...
"Kaoru…"
Oh right. She remembers. It had been like that ever since that fateful day. When for the second time, she had seen hier mother die.
She is a child now, one who has found herself lost in a dream world. One who has had to live the same day twice without being able to stop it.
"Kaoru…"
His father is standing at the entrance to the room. His brother steps behind him. And she, she is curled up in a ball, sitting at the end of the room with her back against the wall and her face hidden in her arms, the same ones that hug her legs.
"Blaming you is as useless as waiting for the sun and the moon to come together."
There is no response from her.
Even if she wanted to, she has no words to answer anything. The silence extends into a conversation that goes only from one side while the sun shines on the other side of the window, mocking the tragedy.
"What you saw and what happened was not at your disposal."
Little Kaoru's hands squeeze the fabric of her kimono tightly after hearing him say that; her body shrinks even more in on herself.
"You can't blame yourself."
She is crying now, of that there is no doubt. For one more time, and for those that are still missing... The man sighs. He is equally tired, and devastated as she is from having lost the woman he loved the most.
"Did I kill her?" The girl finally speaks, with a trembling voice and without leaving the hiding place of her own embrace.
Both men start to hear her, attentive to her and what she might say, wanting to comfort her.
"Did I kill mom?"
And both men reach her in time. The first one - the eldest - picks her up and carries her, hugs her while letting her take refuge in his chest.
"No. Little…Kaoru…"
The second - the youngest - caresses her back tenderly with one hand while the other holds her by the kimono sleeve. The girl cries.
"I killed her twice," she sobs.
"Kaoru. - His brother cries. -You, the only thing you did was give her peace."
The little girl, after crying for another moment, finally looks at both men. Then she stares at her father.
"Don't you hate me?"
The man smiles at her, there is pity in his eyes, but the love he feels for her is clear in them.
"I could never… my little one."
…
On her way deep into the forest, where Jineh Udo, the renegade priest is rumored to be hiding, Kaoru regrets the memory that has come to mind.
"It's my fault." She tells herself, advancing between her group and away from it. "I started looking away from my path." She confess.
"Kenshin!" How many times has she called his name?
Unable to deny those memories, that time shared with his rouruni, and all the laughter that surrounded those days. The mornings of training and prayers, the afternoon teas and their eventual ceremonies, the games at sunset, and the nights they enjoyed in each other's company.
"I could have prevented everything." She says.
If she hadn't looked in another direction... she is convinced, with his silhouetted figure walking among the leaves and the road parallel to hers... She closes her eyes trying to get away from that temptation.
"It was not your fault."
And when she opens them again, Kenshin is standing in front of her.
"It wasn't your fault," he assures her.
Kaoru feels the brush of his hand on her own, and looks down to where both hands are holding each other.
"You know it as well as I do, Kaoru dono." Kenshin continues, sitting next to her, leaning on that well. "They wouldn't blame you."
He had been so sure that night… All smiles and clear eyes, calling her without keigo (formal language), just 'Kaoru'…
...That when he came back to look for her to say goodbye it made no sense.
"I think…" He had begun, his face contrite, suffering with the words, standing in front of her, sword still in hand.
That image overlapped with the memory in front of the well.
"You are hope, Kaoru."
To put an end to the horrible image of his contempt.
"…it's better that we don't see each other."
And the pain in her chest after being struck straight through the heart by a man who makes it rain blood, and who has yellow eyes like molten gold.
Hikari is about to fall asleep after dozing for the previous hour, when suddenly the candlelight dims and then lights up, the silence interrupted.
"Kenshin!"
The chokkai jumps up like lightning when she hears that scream.
"Kaoru-sama!"
In the middle of the room destined to receive the visions, the body of the blue-eyed priestess writhes as if someone were attacking her in her dreams.
"Kenshin!" she yells, still with her eyes closed and fighting with her hands and legs.
"Kaoru-sama, please!" Hikari tries to hold her but the maiden's desperation overcomes her, almost forcing her to let go when she receives a blow from her. "Sato! Sasaki! Hurry, help!" Hikari shouts to her classmates; the sound of footsteps running through the halls gets louder and louder.
"Kenshin!"
The fusuma doors open, and Sasaki and Sato enter, leaving another small company outside the room. They both rush to assist Hikari.
"What happened?" her partner asks, helping her contain the miko's movements.
Hikari shakes her head, relieved to have help.
"I don't know, suddenly she started screaming."
"She's still gripped by the vision," Sasaki observes, holding the priestess by the legs.
The flames fan, stretch to the sky, grow like beacons, and then dwindle. Hiko is sitting opposite her, his face denoting severity, but his eyes have a glint of concern.
"In more ways than one you're still a child," he tells her. "But Kenshin doesn't see you as a child."
Kaoru sees Kenshin smiling at her affectionately and something else, a new sparkle in his eyes. She sees Kenshin holding her hand when he helps her through a difficult path; Kenshin leading her through the crowd that filled the streets, his hand at the height of her lower back, barely brushing it. Kenshin fixing the strap of her sandal. Kenshin caressing her face. Kenshin tying a blue ribbon in her hair.
Hiko's image returns.
"If you don't plan to receive his attention, don't give him false hope."
Kaoru sees Kenshin hugging her. She sees him brushing her neck with his lips...
"How do I feel about Kenshin?"
Kenshin standing in front of her, after arriving in Kyoto, looking at her with a smile and a different glow in his violet orbs.
"Let's not become strangers," he tells her.
And she nods, just before leaving in the company of Hikari and Sato towards the sanctuary, to prepare for the welcome of the people.
Kenshin after having finished with a gang of Shinsengumi.
"I think… it's better if we don't see each other."
"Aahh!"
Kaoru lets go of the chokkai's grip; Sato barely manages to hold Sasaki; Hikari hits the scroll table. Some boards fall on the tatami.
Amid her fever, the maiden supports herself by her arms, her eyes open from time to time, but it is an absent look; she is still prey to sleep.
"Hold her! -Sato shouts when he recovers, approaching the young woman who is still delirious again.
"No…!" She resists, pulling away from him with her arms.
Hikari and Sasaki join in to keep her above ground.
"Kaoru-sama!"
The miko falls on her side and her face down after the struggle, but she does not stop fighting.
She knew, since the beginning, she knew what she couldn't aspire to.
"Are you sure you want to go to the sanctuary?" Her brother had questioned her on the way to Kyoto, just the day of her departure. "Why can't you stay with us? I can teach you to use the sword." He tempted her.
The girl shook her head, amused.
"I want to choose for myself," she had answered; she was eight years old.
"And this is the only way?" He had complained and mocked, just finished uploading their belongings to the wagon.
Kaoru stuck out her tongue at him.
"I want to understand my gift," she finally answered. "I want to learn how to use it to help people. Also, last night I had a very beautiful dream.
"Oh?" This piqued the boy's interest. "And what was it about?"
Koishijirou helps Kaoru into the vehicle, and it advances along with the rest of the caravan; it is a cool morning after a rainy night, but it is summer, and the cold is welcomed. The youngest sits next to her brother.
"I was dancing crowned with flowers," she tells him. "And there were others with me. We celebrated, and we all laughed. Even you were there."
"Oh really?"
The girl nods.
He had actually been a distant bystander, smiling at her with a baby in his arms but Kaoru felt that certain futures had to remain secret. In that dream, they had all been gathered in a Sakura forest; no face was familiar and yet they were all dear to her. Especially the boy who had crowned her with a crown of jasmines.
"Kaoru dono" they had called her. And she had smiled, satisfied.
"Hmm…" his brother pondered. "I guess as long as you're happy, it won't matter which path you choose." He smiled at her.
And she smiled back at him as she nodded.
"Un" (yes).
She had dreamed that such a dream was real. She had even glimpsed those images, each time more clearly... And after her reunion with the red-haired boy, Kaoru had been sure that that dream could be a reality.
However…
"Why?" She had questioned him then, her voice cracking. "I thought you said we shouldn't be strangers."
"This is different," he cut her off.
And she knew, of course, she knew what he meant. What was rumored on the streets of Kyoto about her relationship with the demon that made blood rain.
After all, she had heard it herself.
"Did you hear about the Kiheitai's victory at the end of Mito's rebellion?"
She had gone out on an errand to the Kiyosato house and accepted Tomoe's invitation to visit a tea house near Ninomaru castle. It had been so long since she had seen the young bride that she had gladly accepted this walk. That day the streets had been busy as well as the restaurants, all whispering the facts of southern Japan.
"How could I have not?" the other woman had answered. "After such an event has affected the economy."
"Honto, honto (really)," added another, "my husband says it won't be long before events take place here in Kyoto as well."
"Sonna!" (it can't be)
None would acknowledge Kaoru's presence when she was in a private room; shielded only by a curtain, the girls could hear clearly that discussion. But for a moment, Kaoru wished she had been deaf.
"But what is truly disconcerting is who they attribute the victory to," contributed a man from another table.
The rest of the group agreed.
"They say he is a demon, although he hides his face behind the protection of his armor."
"I heard that he is the same one who guarded Kaoru miko sama during her coronation."
There was a loud exclamation after that.
"I heard it too!" another declared. "They say the sanctuary is his place of origin and that Inari is on the side of the rebellion."
"Be careful with what you say! They could kill you for it."
Kaoru hadn't realized that she had dug her nails into her palms until Tomoe had taken them with her own.
"They don't know what they're saying," Tomoe had told her then. When she had asked her out, she had sincerely intended to lift her spirits. She would never have wanted to expose her to such slander. "You must not listen to silly rumors."
And the maiden had accepted those words then, choosing to ignore those talks. She could almost believe her friend's words of comfort. Except Kaoru knew it hadn't been rumors.
She knew the identity of the Kyoto demon.
"She has a fever again," Hikari reports, desperate because they haven't managed to calm down her partner's attack.
"No…" Kaoru sobs, still sleepy. "No!"
"Kaoru sama, you must resist" Sato tells her in vain, the miko barely opens her eyes, her gaze remains empty.
They have tried to keep her still, to prevent her from hurting herself, but despite being the three of them, they cannot fully control her outburst.
Kenshin is still standing in front of her.
"Different how?" Kaoru inquires again. She's back to the scene of weeks ago. "What did I do wrong?"
Kenshin sees fit to look contrite.
"You have not done anything wrong, and that is precisely the problem." He says; his eyes, although sad, are still yellow. "It was me who has been fooling himself."
He had started to walk then, and she had been sure for a moment that he was advancing towards her, but he passed her without looking back.
"If I want to reach you…" he had told her as he passed. "First, I must open the path to a new age."
Kaoru was crying; her lower lip had several cuts she had done herself; her hands looked the same.
"No… Kenshin…"
Hikari felt her heart contract.
"Sato, we can't let her continue; she will only hurt herself more."
The brunette considers his options while still holding her hands. In the end he makes a hasty decision.
"Okay, help me tie her up." He asks them.
Her companions do as he asks. Sato sits on top of Kaoru to prevent her from moving. Sasaki ties her hands with Hikari's help.
"Hold her face," the Maekkai commands.
Sasaki follows the instruction.
"Open her eyes."
Hikari is the one who holds both eyelids of her maiden who continues in her desire to free herself. When she succeeds Sato casts the spell, his hands holding the red-beaded rosary.
"Kai!" he shouts
"ah!"
And then the seer priestess's body is slumped limply.
The three young teens wait a moment longer before exhaling in relief.
They then release the miko and then place her on the tatami.
In her dreams, it is Yumi who receives her, with the memory prior to her departure.
That afternoon had been loaded with a strong aroma of snow and pine; the sunlight shone dimly on the white ground, reflecting colored lights into the sky. Both girls were sitting in Yumi's rooms, the same ones that had previously been Momiji's and that would now be Kaoru's. The shoji doors had been open, and the tea service was arranged between them.
"All we wanted was to free you," the young woman had told her then.
"To free me?" Kaoru had looked at her without understanding.
Snow fell from the branches of the pine trees onto the cushioned ground with a thud.
"This life, like any other, is a great honor to live, but..."
The walls of the sanctuary contained stacks of memories from past lives. Echoes of what had been and what would never be again. Images in which the young woman is lost for an instant.
"There is also pain. Especially when one has not been the one to choose this path. And even so, new paths always appear in front of us."
Kago, Hikari, Fuu, Koga, Sato, Chiaki, Kaede, the Guji, Momiji, Yumi had represented her life in the sanctuary, remembering each of the moments lived in their company, the lessons learned. Akira, Shinji, and even Tomoe and her brother Enishi had been glimpses of the lives she could touch in her mission as a miko; Kaoru remembered how beautiful Tomoe had looked at her wedding, Shinji's character growing over the years and becoming a leader, and…
Kenshin.
Standing in a path parallel to hers. smiling at her.
"Both Kaede, Momiji, and myself wanted you to have the life that was taken from us." Yumi confessed. She didn't look at her then; during that conversation the chestnut had preferred to look towards a distant point in the landscape in front of both of them.
"What was your wish?" The minor had then questioned. Wondering if those three women had really been so unhappy.
"We wanted you to choose for yourself."
The words come out before Kaoru is even able to register them.
"This was always the path I wanted!" And she's genuinely surprised at her rudeness after saying them, flushed cheeks. "Sorry!"
Yumi, for her part, finally looks at her, blinking equally confused, and then... she bursts out laughing.
If possible, Kaoru blushes more.
"Yes, of course," Yumi says when she's managed to stop laughing. She laughs at the similarity of that conversation three years ago now. "You won't have any regrets, right?" She says smiling, alluding to the nine-year-old Kaoru who had fervently defended her desire to become a priestess.
Kaoru might have regretted her words. In a way she did it internally, but she couldn't let such a thought grow. Yumi understood just by giving her a look.
"Maybe you'll even survive all of us," she told her.
More snow fell to the ground from the branches of the trees.
"Do you really have to go?" Kaoru had questioned Yumi then, heartbroken.
She didn't want to be without her company. She felt like she was being left alone.
Yumi had shaken her head then, her smile not reaching her eyes.
"Your authority and your legitimacy will not be recognized unless someone pays the price for our foolishness" she reminded her.
After the investigations made after the fire and the assassination of the politicians involved, it was better if there was no one left who knew Momiji's plan to the letter.
"I only ask that one day, when you really understand the damage we have done... -she looked at her, and then she dared to caress her face; Kaoru was crying… -that you may forgive us."
She had been left alone again on that road as she watched who had been her teacher and her protector leave far from the sanctuary; abandoning her previous life and advancing in exile towards an unknown world.
In the end, she had told her the same thing Momiji once told her, she reminded herself.
"One day Kaoru dono, you will passionately wish to walk another path."
Which in turn, had been the same as what Kaede had told her.
"When that happens, because you can be sure that it will happen..."
Kenshin was suddenly standing in a path parallel to hers; smiling at her, this time holding out his hand to her.
"Whatever your decision…" The three had told her.
And the echo of their voices had reverberated as she saw the image of her friend standing in front of her, inviting her to walk beside him, considering whether she should take that hand or not.
"Have faith that it will be the right one."
…
"How do I feel about Kenshin?"
…
Hikari finishes tucking Kaoru in. The candles finally seem about to burn out and this can only mean that the vision is finally about to end. Although she does not have many illusions because she knows that, given the circumstances, things can always get worse.
Outside the room, in the corridor, Sato and Sasaki sit waiting for their partner to come out. The eternal chokkai has had to endure too much vigilance already and both teens have decided that this one must be revealed.
"She's calm now. But how long will it last?" Says Hikari, after leaving the room and sitting with her back to the fusuma in Kaoru's room, next to Sasaki.
"Has she ever had a vision like this?" Asks the chestnut girl.
Her companions shake their heads.
"Not even when…?"
They deny again.
Not even with visions of her coronation had she been in such a long trance. Of course, then, Kenshin had been with her...
"Three days. She has been dreaming for three days." Declares Sato with disbelief and regret.
"It's not a dream. -Hikari refutes. -It's a nightmare."
Sasaki understands both; she feels the same way after all.
"I still can't believe he's dead, but even more so, that he was the one responsible for all this; all those deaths. Why?"
Mutism.
It is Sato who finally answers.
"I guess we'll never know."
"We may not. But Kaoru dono does." Hikari reminds him.
After all, it had been Inari's miko who had faced that monster, they both remember. And after her return, she had locked herself in her room, denying visits from anyone. Then, after a week of confinement, the vision had come.
"What do you think he told her?" Sasaki questions.
Hikari shrugs her shoulders, not knowing what to say. She wonders the same.
"Whatever it was... -says Sato-, it was without a doubt what triggered this vision."
The three look at Kaoru's room. At the moment, it seems that the worst is over, even if no one really believes it.
"What will happen if she never wakes up?" Hikari questions with grief.
Sato puts his arm around her shoulders.
"Let's hope we don't have to deal with that."
Her memories have become hazy. Suddenly she is back on her mission to find the ex-Guji, that kind man who had opened the doors of the sanctuary to her tender nine years. The same one who had been murdering for the past two months.
"Guji-sama!" She had called him then. After having looked in the tables and searched for the thread of his life, she had found the place where he was.
But either because the name by which she called him was no longer appropriate, or because the man had really lost all sense of sanity, he had not come as expected...
It had been a massacre.
One that she had barely managed to prevent if only by the power of her visions. But she had not been able to save them all.
Especially when the Shinsengumi gang arrived on the scene.
No matter how hard she tried to stop them, the men charged into a contest they were destined to lose.
With low spirits and her company defeated, Kaoru had headed towards the next spot where the man now calling himself Kurogasa would be hiding.
She was aware that she was doing what Hikari had asked her not to do, she knew for sure what she was exposing herself to, but she had to trust what she had seen on the tables. Because of the affection she had for the man who had been her protector, she had to believe that there was a way to save him.
"I know you are here!" She screamed again.
She came from a samurai family, it was true, but a family that believed that a sword could be used to give life as well as to take it away. She believed in the words of her brother's ideology, and she believed in humanity itself. She couldn't let herself be beaten, not now.
"I know why you are doing all this!" She declared, she still had fresh in her mind the images that belonged to Momiji's enchantment, the same enchantment that she had to undo. "I've come…!"
And then her words had been interrupted.
"What have I come for?" She asked herself.
To stop him? Certainly, but not like a criminal. And if she managed to break Momiji's spell, how would that help protect him from Captain Saito and his Mibu motto?
But still…
Kaoru made up her mind right then and there. She would put her life on the line if necessary.
"I've come to help you!" she declared, her voice roaring above the wind. "There is no reason to continue on this path! This is not what you want! Momiji…!"
"What do you know about Momiji?"
She had felt a chill just then, having been interrupted by the words of the man, who was now standing behind her.
Kaoru turned to him and looked at him at last.
"Guji sama…" She sobbed.
The image the man gave declared despair and defeat. His clothes were different, equally worn, and stained; his hair, which had always been well groomed, was long and gray. And his face… his face was a poem of sadness.
"What do you know about my heart?" the man sobbed, his voice a broken thread.
The miko felt worth dominate her. She was then able to feel the anguish of who had been her teacher and the misfortune that surrounded him. Her desire to protect him grew more intense.
"I know, this was not really what she wanted for you… for both of you…"
The wind blew hard, taking the leaves it ripped from the trees, even ripping flowers, until it simulated a rain of colors.
Even then it was depressing.
"And even so…" He said. "Here we are…"
Jineh left the trees, towards the clearing where the maiden was, mentally registering the changes in her. She had grown a bit, but her face still had that innocence that only children have. He advanced towards her, marveling that she remained standing, firm without flinching.
"Aren't you afraid that I'll kill you?" He asked her, with his classic friendly smile, which now looked broken by sadness.
Kaoru smiled at him with the same fondness. Shaking her head in response to his question.
"Your mission with me was something else…" she told him.
Jineh stops then, almost abruptly. Something has reacted inside his conscience.
"Oh, yeah." He says as if he's just remembered something obvious. "I had to free the little priestess apprentice. But you're not an apprentice anymore, are you?" He asks, still friendly, so much so that the miko still calmly answers with a nod. "No." He repeats, and his voice becomes upset. "You let her sacrifice go in vain when you became one."
Faced with the incredulous look of the miko, Jineh draws his sword and points it at her. She steps away, the game has changed and Kaoru knows she has little time to run if she wants to live.
"Guji sama, no, it wasn't like that. -She stutters- I didn't…"
"You didn't even know." He nods smiling, his steps now are slow, and he laughs when he sees how she is going backward although with greater haste. "You were always the prey. The caged bird condemned to sing forever for others. So glad to be the amusement of her jailers."
She is shocked.
"Guji-sama...!"
"Tell me something… -he interrupts her, his smile is that of a madman. -Do you still cry?"
"...!"
…
When she was serving her confinement in Inari's private sanctuary -the one that had no servants and only had the miko's room-, a gang of samurai faithful to the shogun was arranged to protect her. That, although tradition, had been somewhat exaggerated under the pretext of the altercation at the sanctuary and even more so due to the assassination of politicians at the hands of a hitokiri (assassin).
The Aizu and Kiyosato clans had been chosen, with the latter in command and led at the time by Shinji.
Those had been a difficult six months, but even more so the first days after the siege. Secluded in her confinement, Kaoru spent most of the days crying, and that did not go unnoticed by who was her main samurai.
"I don't understand why you spend so much time shedding tears." Shinji had told her after a month enduring that, remaining at a distance.
Kaoru remained seated in front of the altar in a prayer position, but it was clear that she was doing everything but praying.
"Even you can show fragility." She had answered him then.
The nightmares still plagued her; there was evidence on her face of lack of sleep. Shinji tried not to be rude, more out of true consideration for the young woman than propriety.
"Perhaps," he had agreed, sitting at a respectful distance from her. "But you cry as if you lived it again."
"Is there anything wrong with that?" She refuted.
Shinji had smirked, suddenly that camaraderie from when they were kids had returned.
"The way things are, I'll spend the rest of the months watching your tears fall and wondering why you can't stop."
That comment had been the right one to achieve the task of distracting her, of making her feel something other than sadness.
Anger was much better, he had told himself.
"Akira-san was right. You are insensitive." She accused him with flushed cheeks.
"That's why he wanted me to marry you." He refuted getting the cheeks of the newly formed miko to blush.
Two emotions in a row in one day; that could almost be called a miracle, he thought to himself.
"He was just trying to save me." She justified. "Like everyone else."
Shinji studied her closely, analyzing her. For him everything was as clear as water, that it was unfortunate that the others around the young woman were so blind.
"Everyone else who doesn't understand that you don't want to be saved." He completed for her.
Kaoru didn't deny it.
"You've made your own decisions." He said, then stood up and walked over to her, sitting by her side. "However, it is not a lie that you have saved us all with your ascension." He recognized. "So I am forced to make you one last deal."
Kaoru had understood what he was about to offer her, or at least had an idea, given the images that had filled her thoughts every time she dreamed. And, for the past month, she had debated what she would decide.
The time had finally come. Shinji looked her square in the eye.
"Will you accept it?" he asked.
The maiden held her companion's gaze. Her hands clenched the fabric of her kimono.
She had internally wondered if she would regret it... But even this thought was vain; not even she -with all the power of her gift- could see the future clearly. She could only hope that even if she ruined the hope she had, her actions wouldn't hurt her most important person.
She had known what she was putting at stake, how much and what she was putting at risk.
So he must have known that she would have no way of choosing one path without losing the other.
...
She closed her eyes to try to contain her fears.
"You looked beautiful."
And when she opened them again, she was standing in her room in the sanctuary, the one that had been Yumi's, and Momiji's before the latter. The room that had a private garden with live vegetation and a pond, albeit small, of goldfish.
The same garden that connected with the access to the room of the goddess and the access to the mountain. And there was her friend, looking at her as always, with that sparkle in his violet eyes.
"Kenshin!" She jumped when she recognized him, without even questioning the fact that he was there in front of her, in a totally private area.
It had been a grueling day after all; a day she hadn't been able to be with him after spending four days sharing the road to Kioto. The day the entire town had received her back, with dances and festivities; with ceremonies and praise.
"Did you enjoy the dance?" she asked smiling. But she stopped after crossing the engawa; there was an alien expression on her companion's face. "...Kenshin?"
The boy's gaze was almost completely hidden behind the locks of his hair, and his expression was one of anguish. No. It was the image of someone who has been betrayed.
Kaoru trembled.
"Is it true?" he asked, his voice soft and weak.
The young woman opened and closed her mouth, uncertain what to answer, then tried again.
"Kenshin…"
"Don't make me say it." He cut her off. His voice was a clear wail. "Please… Just say yes or no."
He knew.
At that moment Kaoru understood.
He knew!
And even if she had doubted it, seeing his expression had confirmed it.
"Kenshin…"
Tears ran to his eyes... only getting him to reject her when he felt that like a blow.
"When you talked about being a lie," he said, his voice cracking, "did you mean this?"
"No!"
Her heart broke.
…
Kaoru tripped over a rock after turning sharply to avoid falling down the slope. That would have been a lethal fall.
This rescue mission had turned into what she had wanted to avoid: a hunt, and worse! One in which she had become the prey.
After the fall, the zori had broken, the red hakama had torn, and she had injured both, her knees and her hands. The white ribbons that held her hair back had loosened, and now the black strands billowed in the air in all directions.
"Get up," she told herself. "Get up!"
Enduring the pain, she struggled to her feet. She was tired, her body ached, and she was breathing hard. She didn't know how long she had been running, but she knew she couldn't stop. Even more so if the rest of her companions went looking for her as soon as they recovered. She couldn't risk them!
She began to trudge finding her way back to the clearing, and then…
"Aah!"
Jineh was holding her arm tightly, hurting her, and turning her toward him.
"I found you!" He exclaimed laughing in ecstasy. "I found the bird!"
"No Please!" She begged in vain.
Jine laughed wildly, and threw Kaoru roughly to the ground, where she fell on her hands and knees.
"If she doesn't want to get out of the cage, the only way to save her is to kill her!"
Kaoru's eyes widened in horror… She couldn't move! Jineh's sword rose as he continued to laugh.
Kaoru closed her eyes, and her lips formed a single name.
"Kenshin!"
The sword plunged in and out as quickly as it went in.
Blood spattered the scene then, but it hadn't been her who'd been hurt, or the one who'd cried out in pain.
The maiden dared to open her eyes and look at the scene before her.
This time, her eyes had widened at the impossibility of what they saw, filled with disbelief.
"I can't allow that," Kenshin declared, his katana smeared with blood, the same blood that flowed from Jineh's right shoulder.
"Kenshin…" she whispered his name incredulously, feeling how little by little she was recovering the sensation in her body. The spell had been broken.
Jineh, now hunched over on the ground, looked up at him at last, and his smile returned to his face with much more energy.
"And here he is," he declared, "the kitty who made the mistake of falling in love with his prey." He scoffed before bursting out laughing.
Kenshin, however, ignores him. She turns to her friend -without losing detail of Jineh- and takes her in his arms.
"Let's go Kaoru dono." He tells her, his eyes are still golden...
"Kenshin…" she whispers, unable to reject him... To allow him to pick her up and take her away from there to where he can take care of her. Unable to remember the words of that fateful night months ago.
Where he had practically begged her to lie to him.
…
"Tell me you didn't accept an omiai."
...
On the fourth day, Kaoru finally wakes up.
Her fever has subsided, and her mind has been released from the prison of memories. Ironically, despite having been bedridden for three days and three nights, the miko feels great rejuvenated even. Full of life.
It is strange, but it is said proper, almost adequate. The catharsis she needed to decide what to do, which way to go.
She sits down on the futon and, though she shouldn't be surprised to find Hikari and Sasaki asleep at the foot of the mattress, she is.
Feeling warmth spread across her chest, Kaoru gets up, careful not to wake them up, and heads outside to the garden. She advances carefully and goes to the corridor that connects with the well. When she reaches it, just like years ago, she fills the bucket and drenches her body, emptying the water over her head.
The water feels cold and fresh. And she allows herself a moment to let herself be enveloped by the sensations caused by the water running through her body.
It revitalizes her.
The sun rises on the horizon. It will be a warm day.
"Kaoru-sama!"
She soon finds herself surrounded by the members of the sanctuary, new and old alike.
"Kaoru!"
Hikari has finally caught up with her, with Sasaki running after her. Kaoru smiles at them.
"I'm sorry I worried you -she tells them -But I'm fine now."
The eternal chokkai throws herself into her friend's arms while she cries inconsolably. Glad to have her back, safe and sound, overwhelmed by everything she's suffered in the past few days.
"I'm sorry," Kaoru tells her as she hugs her. "I'm sorry, Hikari. You were right; you were always right."
Hours later -after a well-deserved bath and a full meal- Hikari remains by Kaoru's side in the pond garden; the younger one embroiders a kimono for her friend and companion while the latter looks towards the pond.
"Hikari, how long until my birthday?" she asks suddenly.
"Six days exactly," Hikari answers with a smile, the ecstasy of having her friend back still dominating her.
"I need to send a letter," Kaoru says.
Hikari looks at her confused, and slightly worried.
"A letter?"
Kaoru nods.
"Two actually," she says seriously. "Both to the Kihetai."
She won't hesitate again, she swears to herself. After all, there are no wrong decisions.
She will walk the path she has chosen with no regrets.
For her, and for Kenshin.
A/N: There will be three chapters in total of Atemporal, this being the first, each portraying a specific character; although the last one, being very long, will be divided in two.