Chapter 18: An inconvenient truth
Two days after Ichigo had snarled that it would be better if he were dead, Uryu had mustered up the courage to go back to school. Not because he wanted to, as he was certain Keigo and his followers would rejoice in the simple fact that he was there, so they could continue their bullying, but because he didn't have any other option to get drinking water at this point.
Also, after staying outside in the cold December air for two whole days, he needed to find some extra blankets, or he was going to freeze. His best option was to find old bedding in the infirmary storage room, but he'd even settle for rags. Anything would be better than sleeping under a single, thin blanket.
His few days at the Kurosaki residence had been heavenly compared to his meager life under the bridge. He had only a little pocket change left and as he didn't know how long he would have to go by on that, Uryu had to resort to having a single meal a day now. And even then, those few dry crackers he had for dinner didn't seem to make much of a difference anymore. He could only dream of home-cooked meals by a sweet little sister, a supportive family, or a warm bed. It made the harsh reality that was his everyday life all the more unbearable now that he'd experienced the warmth of family life.
At school, Uryu found out Ichigo was absent as well. As were Orihime and Sado. That couldn't be a coincidence. The only thing he could think off was that Ichigo's meltdown had been so severe that all of his friends needed to help him in some way. That too, was something completely unreachable for him.
He wanted to try and keep a low profile at school, to avoid any confrontations with his bullies, but knew they were bound to make another move one day or another. After what they did to him last time, he was certain they were not simply going to let him be.
Uryu was always early in class and tried to leave as fast as possible. During lunch break, he searched the storage room for usable items to keep himself warm during the night. Despite the healthy meals he'd enjoyed at Ichigo's house, his body was back in starvation mode in no time, as he had absolutely nothing but a few scraps of food every evening. Desperate as he was, he roamed the streets after school, still looking for a place where he hadn't applied yet, but he was simply turned down on sight. His gaudy appearance didn't inspire confidence in potential employers, and he was consistently met with rejection.
The constant hunger and the stress of living on the streets left the former-Quincy exhausted around the clock. His anemia had become a lot worse, as his body was literally withering away and it made him feel light-headed and dizzy all of the time. He knew there was no one he could count on, but the last shred of Quincy pride that still burned inside his severely broken heart made him stand up when everything looked bleak and compelled him to struggle to survive, even when all the odds were against him…
The only positive thing that happened was that he was now getting frequent visits from the pretty ginger cat that had found his hideout, that day when Orihime and Ichigo had done the same. He felt sorry for the creature as it looked hungry, but he had nothing to feed it. He couldn't help himself and he had called the cat 'Ichi', as the color of its fur reminded him of the Substitute.
A few days had passed and Uryu was sitting in class. The sound of the chime announced lunch break and he swiftly stood up to go down to the storage room. He'd found extra cardboard and a few rags these last few days, but he wanted to look some more.
His eyes crossed Keigo's, who gave him an evil smirk as he whispered to a few other classmates. The others laughed, and Uryu gave all of them his iciest glare to keep them at a distance. But suddenly someone coming from behind him pushed Uryu hard against a girl's desk. He hit the thing forcefully on a startled yelp, hurting his hip, while the girl taking out her lunch spat:
"Don't touch my desk, Ishida! You'll infect my food!"
It stung that almost all of his peers acted like he was contagious. It made him feel so utterly alone, and although he tried his best to shake comments like these off, it got a little harder every time.
Uryu quickly muttered an apology to the angry, huffing girl, while more laughter echoed from Keigo and his group. The Quincy swiftly straitened himself, gathered his bravado and sneered: "Hilarious, Asano. Good to see you have found so many minions."
Keigo stepped closer. "Yeah, it's always so much fun pushing you around, fruitcake."
Even though Uryu was losing his temper, the brawl in the restroom still fresh in his mind, he knew he needed to calm down and ignore them. He wanted nothing more than to punch Keigo straight in the face, but he understood that the other boy would retaliate with his group of cronies.
However, he wasn't about to do Keigo's bidding either. He had to try and stand up to them, to show them he wasn't afraid, or everything would get even worse. "I bet. Can't handle me without your little friends, can you, Asano?"
Keigo laughed and gave Uryu a push. "Wow, you still dare to defy me, gay freak?"
"Stop it," Uryu retorted, suddenly very conscious that they were in class, and everyone was watching them. "You'll get us into trouble again."
Keigo scoffed. "Yeah, thought so, boner garage. You'll play nice, won't you?" The other boys laughed at him again, and Uryu hadn't missed the implications.
Uryu clenched his fists as anger swirled inside him. Those assholes had taken pictures of him, and he was sure Keigo would be very indiscreet with them. The only thing he didn't know was what that idiot was up to.
And so, Uryu resisted the urge to kick Keigo back and kept quiet. He tried to exit the classroom with his head held high, simply murdering them with a lethal glare as the boys jeered and hurled insults towards him.
Out of sight from his classmates, he sighed heavily. He could cover himself with a veneer of bravado at school, but he was just a desperate boy, and the weight of rejection and isolation pressed down on him heavily.
Descending the stairs toward the storage room, he sighed once more as his demanding stomach roared loudly and gripped the rail tightly, bracing for the wave of dizziness that washed over him. Everything appeared so bleak, but giving up on his struggle would mean he wasn't going to survive this. Thus, Uryu tried to swallow his misery and focused his mind on the task at hand: searching for makeshift blankets to keep him warm at night.
Saturday came, and as evening fell, Uryu walked through the shopping district of Karakura town. He sighed heavily; his motivation had hit rock bottom. There was no one, absolutely no one who wanted to hire him, as he had feared from the moment his glasses had been broken, adding to his shabby appearance. Being rejected constantly had taken a toll on his heavily damaged self-esteem and confidence.
He rubbed his ice-cold hands together and attempted to blow warmth into them through his gloves before adjusting his scarf snugly around his neck. His face must have turned red from the cold air, as the evening had grown frigid, much to Uryu's chagrin. Thankful that he had found a few pieces of cloth he could use during the night, he could only hope to survive the first frost.
The Quincy thought of the only place in town, except for the area around the capsule hotel that he avoided like the plague, where he hadn't applied yet: the Loteria fast-food restaurant. The reason he hadn't was that the place was very popular with students, and given that he had already become the laughingstock at school, he wanted to avoid running into the wrong people there.
But hunger was a cruel master… And so, after Uryu had watched the colorful, flickering neon sign for as long as he needed to gather his courage, he stepped inside through the sliding doors.
The waft of fried food immediately assaulted his nostrils, making his stomach growl in anticipation. Fortunately, the background noise from chatting customers masked the sound. Trying not to drool at the enticing aroma surrounding him, Uryu approached the counter.
"What can I get ya, son," an elderly employee asked.
"I would like to apply for a job here," Uryu declared with all the confidence he could muster. "Could I speak to the manager, please?"
"You're speaking to him, kid, but— "
First impressions were vital, so Uryu needed to sell himself. Quickly.
"I'm a hard worker, sir, and I can handle any task you need — cleaning dishes, scrubbing floors, serving customers, anything."
The man looked him up and down, raising an eyebrow in suspicion. "I'm sorry, kid, but just look at you," he said, gesturing towards the Quincy's scruffy appearance.
Uryu was already getting nervous, quickly running a hand through his hair and covering his wrinkled clothes beneath his winter jacket. "I-I know I'm still young, sir, but I'm very good with my hands, and I really need a job. Please, give me a chance."
The man sighed. "I'm sorry, son, but I don't hire beggars."
"B-but…" Feeling his chest clench on being rejected yet again, Uryu felt his heart sink in desperation. He bowed to the manager and closed his eyes as he pleaded, "Please, sir, give me a chance. I won't let you down. I'm starving and I would even work for leftovers."
He heard the man sigh again. "Sorry, son, but you're holding up the queue. So if you're not buying, you're gonna have to leave."
Uryu clenched his fists and opened his eyes again to find a few annoyed girls whispering behind him. Thankfully, they were not from his school. "C-can I at least sit here for a little while to warm myself up? It's so cold outside."
The man gaped at him for a moment, his gaze unyielding to Uryu's obvious distress, before exasperatedly answering, "Yeah, yeah, alright, but get out of the way."
Defeated, Uryu sat down at a table in a secluded corner, draping his jacket, scarf and gloves over the chair. His hands were completely red from being outside all day long in the cold air, so he rubbed them together to get them warm.
He felt eyes on him and let his tired gaze glide over the chatting customers, until he spotted a few boys he'd seen around at his school. One of them held his smartphone in the air, and the others were laughing and pointing at the screen. Uryu sighed and pulled the hood of his hoodie over his head. He wasn't certain whether they were laughing at him, but he couldn't help but wonder if Keigo had sent his photos to the entire school. Were his former friends included?
The girls that had been in line after him came to sit at a nearby table, and Uryu pulled his hood a little further over his head, shielding his features. The waft of their food was so strong, his stomach roared and clenched hard. Uryu quickly wrapped his arms around himself to try and relax his deprived belly, while he stifled a groan.
When the girls noticed him watching them, or rather, their food, they stuck up their noses and huffed. Embarrassed at being caught eyeing their dinner, the Quincy looked away. The last decent food he'd had was the onigiri offered by Isshin almost a week ago. He was so hungry that he would eat just about anything.
He let his face sink into his hands, trying to ease his troubled mind. Everything, even the most trivial and mundane things, had become stressful for him, and he knew it wouldn't take much longer before he would be forced to resort to more drastic measures like shoplifting or rummaging through garbage. The thought alone pained him, and he was afraid to lose his last shred of Quincy pride if it came to that, but he knew that help wasn't coming...
Even now, he couldn't help but wonder how Ichigo was doing, even if he really shouldn't. He had tried to reach out to him so many times and the only thing he gained was more hurt and misery. Why had it come down to all of this? After all those years he'd scarified so much for Karakura town. After everything he had sacrificed to shield Ichigo from the cruel truth, he had become nothing more than an inconvenience, a burden Ichigo wanted to be rid of. That feeling still stung so much and Uryu felt his eyes fill with tears at the thought. He quickly bit his lip to muffle a sob as he wiped the moisture out of his eyes.
Looking up again, he found the girls gaping at him, and he quickly looked away, feeling ashamed for getting emotional in a fast-food restaurant. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the girls whispering to each other, and he quickly shielded his face with his fringe again. Ridiculing him had become a daily habit at school, so he tried to steel himself against the girls' judgment.
He used to be composed and calm, with control over himself and his emotions. But that was before he'd been held captive by Szayelaporro, an imprisonment that turned his whole world upside down. Nothing was easy or normal anymore, he had to struggle for every little thing, and it constantly left him feeling like a suffocating fish on dry land.
A year ago, if someone had told him that he would get emotional over feeling hungry or cold, over losing the roof over his head, or that he would fall apart without any support from anybody, he would never have believed it. Before he had met Ichigo and his friends, he had been doing just fine. Yes, his life had been lonely at times, and the relationship with his father has always been bad, but he had been able to cope on his own. But now, after his body and mind had been broken and every day brought him nothing but uncertainty, Uryu knew that he could not overcome this situation on his own. Even if it pained him to admit that to himself, the last remains of his Quincy pride not letting up. But at the same time, he felt like he had already tried everything and his shattered heart held only a slight flicker of hope that there was still a way out out of this nightmare.
On a deep sigh, Uryu pushed up his glasses and tried to calm down once more. Falling apart in this place wasn't something he desired, as the way to his hideout would be long and even more exhausting.
"Hey, boy," a voice suddenly said.
Uryu looked up and found one of the girls standing in front of his table. "Y-yes?"
"We want you to clean up our trays," she said decisively, hands on her hips.
That struck the Quincy as an odd request, and he raised an eyebrow. "I don't work here, miss. I don't see a reason why—"
"You don't understand," the girl interrupted, backed by chuckles from her friends. "You really need to clean up our trays."
Uryu eyed their table for a moment. "Why?"
"Because," she rolled her eyes, "maybe there's something left for you."
Realization hit him, and Uryu's eyes widened as he looked up in amazement, his silky fringe no longer shielding his eyes but framing his face. "Y-you left something, f-for me?"
"Just a little bit," the girl said with a hint of compassion in her voice, while her gaze had softened too. "We thought you were in more need than any of us, so we all gave up an item."
Uryu looked over to the other girls, who gave him a small smile. "B-but… I…"
"We couldn't help but overhear your conversation with the manager of this place, but we hadn't realized how desperate you looked at that point," the girl continued. Uryu just looked at her in astonishment. "We'll leave you to it then," she winked.
"T-thank you," Uryu stammered as the group of friends trotted away.
He quickly went to sit down at their table to see what they were talking about and felt his stomach rumble again at the sight of a leftover portion of French fries, two large pieces of crunchy chicken, and a cupcake. Uryu felt his emotions surge through him again and searched for the girls with watery eyes. They gave him an empathetic smile again before exiting the restaurant.
Thankful there still were nice people in this world, the Quincy quickly set to eating, afraid to be kicked out if he took too long. He then went to use the restroom, washing his hands properly afterwards, as anything was better than having to go outside in the blistering cold.
That following Monday, Sado came back to school, which wasn't all that surprising to Uryu, since he had to at some point. Orihime was still absent, so he could conclude Ichigo wasn't doing that well. But neither was he.
These last few nights, the temperature had dropped beneath freezing point, and Uryu had only his blanket, and the rags he had found at school and sewn together like patchwork, to try and keep warm. He didn't have enough wood to build a fire every evening, and he couldn't risk to build a fire inside the niche. He was exhausted as the reaction of his body was to shiver all night long to try and fight the cold, which sped up his metabolism. This left him even more famished, as he needed extra sustenance while he was already in starvation mode.
During classes, Uryu caught Sado staring at him a few times, like he was contemplating talking to him, but Sado kept his distance nonetheless. Uryu hadn't expected anything less, and just continued with his daily routine to try and be invisible and to avoid Keigo and his gang.
A few days passed and Uryu had PE classes. The teacher barked that the boys needed to run a few laps around the premises, while the girls could use the indoor facilities. Uryu didn't feel up to this at all. He'd had another bad night and felt like his legs could barely support his weight, while his anemia made him feel dizzy. On top of that, his injured foot was not completely healed yet. After a week, the stitches started dissolving by themselves, but it still stung to walk.
"Move it, you lazy bums," the stern and grumpy teacher yelled. The boys took off and started their first lap around the school ground. "You too, Ishida! Get those legs moving!" Uryu heard the man shout in his direction.
"Y-yes, sir," he replied and forced his legs into action, but his deprived body was protesting heavily and he inwardly cursed, noticing he was a lot slower than his peers.
Uryu tried the best he could, but he wasn't up to something like this anymore. He had grown weak and that knowledge was very hard to take for a once proud Quincy. Uryu struggled on his feet, trying to catch up to the other boys, while the teacher kept shouting commands at all of them.
Suddenly, Uryu staggered when he felt the effort make him lightheaded and he had to stop running.
"Ishidaaaa! Don't be such a sissy and get moving!" the teacher yelled from somewhere.
Panting hard, the Quincy looked behind him to see the agitated teacher bark commands at him. Not wanting to get detention or any other punishment again, he decided to get out of the man's sight by rounding the corner of the lap.
Panting hard, Uryu bent over to put his hands on his knees as he tried to regain his breath, his body trembling from the strain.
All at once, he heard honing laughter coming from behind him, but before he had the chance to look over his shoulder, a vast kick to the back of his knees made him fall over on all-fours on a groan. Uryu realized the other boys had already outrun him by a complete lap.
"Faggot!" One of them sneered as they ran past him, laughing mockingly.
Breathing hard, Uryu tried to regroup his thoughts. He had to do something before it was him against all of Keigo's gang again. He needed to get back on his feet, to will his pathetically weak body into action before it got all messy again. But when Uryu tried to push himself up again, a vicious kick to his belly made him cry out and he crashed down onto the ground, face first.
"Boner garage," mocked an all too familiar voice, before a few kicks were delivered to Uryu's hips. After that, Keigo and two of his minions ran past him, laughing.
"C-cowards!" Uryu yelled, but that was only met with more laughter.
With trembling hands, he tried to push himself of the cold ground once more, but his arms felt like jelly and he could only manage to turn sideways.
What had become of him, a once proud Quincy? It was infuriating and it stung, but no matter how much Uryu wanted to retaliate, and kick at least of few of them in the balls, he simply lacked the energy to fight back right now.
Trembling, the Quincy tried to push himself up yet another time, but it was too much. He couldn't do this, he was so tired. On a groan, he just stilled completely and tried to focus on regaining his breath, laying on his side.
Suddenly, a large palm extended into his line of sight, and his eyes glided upwards to confirm the identity of the person kneeling besides him.
"You need a hand," Sado asked in his distinctive, low tone.
Uryu eyed him warily, unsure of his intentions. The last few times Sado and he had exchanged words had ended with him getting yelled at. The tall teen had even hit him during one of these encounters. And it had hurt him profoundly to be told that he made Sado feel uncomfortable. It didn't make any sense that he'd offer his help now.
Sado didn't seem surprised by his reluctance, but gave him a small smile. "Come on. Let's get you back on your feet."
Without hesitation, the tall teen grasped Uryu, helping him to stand. However, Uryu felt even more unsteady on his trembling legs. His vision blurred, and he swayed, emitting a groan. The Quincy felt his legs give away, and braced himself for another fall, but to his surprise, Sado's strong arms caught him.
"Let's take you to the nurse," Sado said as he hauled Uryu's arm over his shoulder for support. His other arm wrapped around Uryu's back, and they began to move slowly toward the school building.
"W-why are you helping me?" Uryu asked, mistrustful, but Sado didn't answer.
When they neared the PE teacher, Sado spoke: "Sir, I'm taking Ishida to the infirmary."
The man grumbled back an agitated reply, but Uryu was only half listening. His footsteps heavy and sluggish, and he couldn't manage to catch his breath. Sado remained quiet, leaving Uryu feeling confused.
"S-Sado-kun..." he mumbled, but his world was spinning hard, and he realized he was going to faint. His legs gave way, but the tall teen kept him from falling, and as Uryu's tired eyes closed, the last thing he saw was the worried look on Sado's face.
The dim light made Ichigo's sleeping features look ever so soft. When he was sound asleep like this, with all his shields down, he looked so innocent. Not what most would expect from a hero like Ichigo. Uryu smiled faintly as he just gazed upon his sleeping face and glided his fingers shyly through the Substitute's orange hair.
Although Ichigo was made to make him suffer in this awful prison, the Quincy knew that he wasn't at fault. It was all Szayelaporro's doing, who seemed to love playing barbaric games with the both of them. Uryu took what little comfort he could in this dump, and at the moment, however contradictory it might seem, he felt at peace with his arms wrapped around the boy he loved, watching him sleep.
Suddenly, the screen in their cell lit up, and before Uryu had the chance to even think, the sultry voice of Szayelaporro pierced the silence.
"Black… velvet."
Oh god!
Uryu made a high, distressed sound and watched how Ichigo's eyes flew open and he jolted upright, seemingly awake but completely under the mind-control.
No. No. No! It was going to happen again. Ichigo would be forced to hurt him, and he would be powerless to stop him.
Terrified, Uryu dragged himself into a corner. His heart started pounding at the mere notion of what that Espada was going to put him through this time.
"Today, we'll play a little psychological game," Szayelaporro instructed.
"Yes, master."
"Come closer, so I can whisper my commands, lest it'd spoil the surprise." Ichigo did as he was told. "This is how I want you to proceed."
Uryu's heartbeat drummed in his ears, and he panted from stress and fear. He tried to follow their hushed conversation, but he was already completely freaked out and couldn't understand their dialogue.
Then, Ichigo turned around and locked eyes with him, and Uryu took a shuddering breath at the sight of those ice-cold eyes. As Ichigo marched towards him, he felt frightened like a trapped animal, knowing the hunter was coming in for the kill.
Ichigo went for Uryu's wrists, hoping to pin him down. However, Uryu let out a startled yelp and attempted to force his body into action. He couldn't just cower in the corner; he was a Quincy, dammit. When he tried to push Ichigo away by kicking him, the Substitute responded with a toothy smile, erupting into mocking laughter, clearly amused.
Uryu wanted to yell at him to get away, but his compromised vocal cords wouldn't allow it. Instead, he made gurgling sounds, which only fueled Ichigo's laughter. When Uryu kicked him directly in the groin, the Shinigami retaliated. He delivered a hard slap across Uryu's face and then landed a punch in his raw abdominal wounds. Uryu arched up, letting out a stuttered cry.
Ichigo immediately grabbed his wrists and pinned him down. Uryu bit through the intense pain and tried to struggle, fully aware of what was about to happen if he didn't act. Ichigo straddled him, a dark smile on his face, holding him down until Uryu ran out of breath, and his body stilled. Frustrated at his helplessness and gripped with fear, he gazed up into Ichigo's vacant eyes.
"Now, fuck him," Szayelaporro ordered. "You know what to do."
"Yes, master."
'No. No. Please, don't,' Uryu pleaded in silence, trying to get through to Ichigo with his eyes, even though he knew it was futile. Ichigo was completely under Szayelaporro's spell and would act out his master's commands.
The Quincy make a broken feral sound when Ichigo didn't waste any time and immediately started forcibly pulling down Uryu's slacks and boxer-briefs. He tested the hold of the Substitute's grip, now restraining his wrists with only one hand, but all he received was another blow to his face.
He was so pathetic. He couldn't do anything. The lack of food, the brutal removal of his prostate where he was continuously brought back to consciousness for added torture and despair, the constant fear of Ichigo turning on him, as well as the lingering effects of Szayelaporro's poison, had left his body weak and his mind haunted.
But then, Ichigo surprised Uryu. Instead of just trying to ram himself inside of him as fast as possible like the previous times, he now took the time to prepare him. Letting his warm fingers caress Uryu's abdomen and thighs, even softly stroking his flaccid member a few times, while his other fingers tried to ease into him.
Uryu didn't comprehend what was going on. Ichigo wasn't being violent at the time being, and it filled his mind with confusion and doubt. He was certain it had to be some trick of the Espada with his horrendous black velvet command. He didn't want to be intimate like this, not even with the boy he was in love with, but he was unable to fight him, especially in his pitiable state. Ichigo was much too strong.
Warily, Uryu's eyes sought the Substitute's when he didn't stop his careful administrations. Suddenly, a jolt of pain made the Quincy grunt. The smell of blood filled his nostrils and he knew Ichigo had made his insides bleed again. Even though he'd been careful this time, his wounds were still too fresh for these kind of activities. Uryu groaned at the pain that followed when Ichigo leisurely started working three fingers in and out of him. He started panting out of fear of what was to follow, but right then, he felt Ichigo stroke him again to distract him. Even though the Quincy couldn't get aroused due to the removal of his prostate and because of the circumstances of the situation, a crimson blush spread over his face as he looked away.
What was Ichigo doing?
When the gentle caresses stopped, Uryu's gaze shifted back to Ichigo, who was positioning himself behind him. The Substitute's vacant eyes were unwavering when he slowly entered him. Uryu's anxiety, however, made his heart pound, and the pain in his insides caused distressed sounds to escape his lips. Taking a sharp inhale while clenching his fists, Uryu was surprised once more when Ichigo held still, giving him time to adjust. Their gazes locked, and Ichigo stared at him intently. Uryu could only look up at him cautiously, trying to endure the pain.
After a moment of silence, Ichigo grabbed Uryu beneath his armpits and hauled him upright, switching their positions without breaking intimate contact. Uryu made a startled gasp as he suddenly found himself on top. This had never happened before either. Then, Ichigo sat up as well, so they were now both in a sitting position, all the while keeping his hips still. Uryu gasped when he was suddenly enveloped by Ichigo's arms, as the latter hugged him fiercely to his chest.
Uryu's heartbeat drummed in his ears as his body trembled against the Substitute's warm torso. He was so close to Ichigo right now, held by him, but he was very much afraid. He wanted nothing more than for this to be real, for the boy he loved to wrap his arms around him and seal their love, but he knew something like that was never going to happen. He didn't know what Szayelaporro had ordered Ichigo to do this time, but it had to be all part of his ploy.
Ichigo moaned softly as he started moving his hips slowly. Uryu gasped, startled, and grabbed the Substitute's Kosode top for support while averting his gaze. Then, Ichigo released one arm from Uryu's body, grasped the Quincy's chin, and brought his face toward him, gently. Uryu looked at him warily, unknowing what to think anymore.
Ichigo closed the gap between their mouths in a firm kiss, eliciting a shocked sound from Uryu.
"I love you," whispered the Substitute, still rocking rhythmically and caressing him tenderly. Uryu's cheeks got a deep, crimson blush, and he tried to look away again. It stung. He had longed to hear those words in so many dreams, knowing fully well that a handsome and popular guy like Ichigo would never be interested in someone like him.
Uryu had cursed his cruel fate the day he realized that the interest he felt for Ichigo wasn't mere admiration or rivalry; it ran much deeper. He had fallen for a Shinigami, of all people. How his father would mock him. In an attempt to distance himself from these feelings, he had tried to focus on other things, protecting Karakura town with even more vigilance, studying even harder than before, but nothing had helped. He was in love with a Shinigami, and there was nothing he could do about it.
"I love you," Ichigo repeated, gripping Uryu's chin to turn his face back towards him. Stunned, Uryu looked at him intently. Ichigo hadn't hurt him this time, but… it couldn't be real, could it? Uryu's heartbeat picked up as he stared at the boy he loved, doubt and longing filling his mind. He wanted Ichigo to speak those words to him so desperately. On a wavering breath, Uryu cautiously reached out and touched Ichigo's cheek with his fingertips, caressing ever so gently.
Suddenly, Ichigo made a dark chuckle, before he quickly and roughly reversed their positions again. He violently hurled Uryu backward onto the floor, before he started pounding into him, brutally. Uryu let out a distressed cry as shock and pain shot through his body and mind.
"I hate you! You scrawny abomination! I hate you!" Ichigo yelled into his face, forcefully hitting the wounds where his prostate would have been, causing Uryu to arch up in agony and cry hoarsely. It hurt so much. Ichigo had clearly been ordered to inflict as much pain as possible.
After a round wild and agonizing thrusts, in which Uryu could do nothing but try to breathe, Ichigo flipped their positions again. He pulled Uryu upright against his chest and held him in his arms, gently embracing him.
Uryu went rigid against Ichigo's chest. Fear and stress clouding his mind and making his body tremble.
"I love you so much," the Substitute whispered feverishly against Uryu's skin before placing soft kisses onto his neck and shoulders, starting his soft rhythm again and rocking gently. Uryu had no choice but to wrap his arms around Ichigo's neck for support.
Damn that Szayelaporro. Using Ichigo like this. What a complete fool he had been to fall for such a low trick, pleasing both the master and his puppet. But Uryu had been so enraptured that he had momentarily forgotten about the black velvet command.
Ichigo caressed him with the tenderness of a lover, but it hurt him so much. How he longed for the Substitute to hold him like this for real, to hear him murmur those words, but his chances of survival in this wretched prison dwindled each day, and Uryu realized that such moments of bliss would likely never be granted to someone like him.
"I've always loved you," Ichigo whispered and pressed heated kisses to his neck and jawline. Uryu felt his heart clench at that blatant lie, and hurt spiraled through his body. He took a quivering breath when his wary gaze found Ichigo's. The other boy was watching him intently, his fingers gently massaging the bruises he had made on Uryu's hips mere moments ago.
Then, Ichigo's face twisted into an ominous grin, and Uryu screamed in silence as he was violently thrown back to the ground. The Substitute wasted no time and pushed his knees up before slamming into him forcefully, all the while gripping his hips with brute strength to bruise.
"You ugly, gay freak! I'm gonna kill you after I fuck you bloody and raw!"
Uryu made highly distressed sounds and stuttered screams as searing hot pain coming from his insides spread through his whole body and made him gulp for air. Ichigo aimed for his tender wounds time and time again, moaning and grunting as he thrusted relentlessly, making the Quincy's intestines bleed. The pain and the terror completely overwhelmed Uryu and left him feeling helpless and vulnerable in the hands of the boy he loved.
'Please, stop. Please.' Uryu chanted in his mind, fists clenching and back arching from the agony that devoured his body.
After a dreadful moment of the most excruciating pain, Ichigo hauled Uryu into a sitting position again, enveloping him in his arms and caressing his body with gentle touches.
Uryu couldn't take it anymore. When Ichigo whispered 'I love you' again, he felt his heart break from misery. Tears started running down his cheeks, and sorrowful sobs escaped his lips. His fingers clutched Ichigo's Shihakusho while his shoulders slouched in bitter defeat.
It was so hard. The alternation between hearing Ichigo murmur the words he desperately longed for and the atrocious pain he put him through was crushing him. Why did it have to be like this? What could Szayelaporro gain by hurting him this way? Was it all for revenge after all, or did he just enjoy these sick games? Regardless of that freak's reasons, it was more than Uryu could bear.
With tears still spilling from his eyes, the Quincy looked at Ichigo and tried to plead to him with soft, but desperate gurgles.
'Ichigo, please… I can't take it anymore… Please, stop.'
But then, the Substitute's face morphed into an evil leer again and Uryu could do nothing but brace himself. With closed eyes he crashed against the floor again and arched up as Ichigo rammed himself inside his torn and bleeding passageway, screaming in silence, while Ichigo's sounds and thrusts grew in urgency.
"You're gonna die here! You're gonna die, you gay abomination! And then I'm gonna fuck Orihime! You scrawny piece of ass!"
Uryu's eyes flew open and he screamed.
Screamed his lungs out from the terror of that awful nightmare, jolting up. He felt dizzy and disoriented and needed to catch his breath. Suddenly, someone was touching him, reaching for him, but Uryu was completely horrified and lashed out.
"D-don't touch me! Leave me alone!" He swung his arms around and hit something. His heart was thundering away, his lungs working overtime as he heaved from sheer panic, and his blurry eyes could only make out vague shapes in the dwindling light. Where was he? Where were his glasses?
"-ida."
"Nooo!" he yelled, as he tried to hit the figure in front of him again, still not comprehending what was going on. When he felt his wrists being grabbed, Uryu lost it and screamed again, arching up. Fighting with everything he had left to get free. Tears were already filling his eyes from both frustration and fear.
Then, he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder.
"Ishida? Ishida, are you alright?"
Uryu recognized that voice, a voice that didn't belong in that awful memory. Which meant he had to be awake. Trembling and panting from sheer panic, he blinked a few times as his eyes tried to focus without his glasses. A tall figure with dark hair and a toned skin sat beside him. "S-Sado-kun?"
"Yes, it's me, Ishida. Are you alright?" Seeing how he was slowly regaining his senses, the large teen released his wrists and placed Uryu's glasses into his trembling hands.
"Y-yes, it was just a n-nightmare," he lied.
No, he couldn't be further from alright right now, but none of that mattered. Sado was not going to listen to him anyway. He was probably here to give him another lecture or to talk about Ichigo's breakdown.
The Quincy tried to regain some of his composure, quickly wiping at his eyes, before sliding the specs over the bridge of his nose with a whispered 'thank you'. He took in his surroundings for a moment and found he was lying in a bed in the infirmary, still dressed in his PE uniform. The curtains surrounding the bed were open, but Sato-san, the friendly nurse, wasn't in sight. Through the windows, Uryu could tell it was already afternoon, as the daylight was fading. Sado, who'd changed back into his school uniform, was sitting beside him on a chair, worry etched on his face, which only made Uryu's mind fill with doubt.
"I didn't change you out of your sport outfit because I thought they were less restricting. I hope that's alright."
The Quincy nodded. A twinge of relief pierced the after-effects of his nightmare, as he was grateful Sado hadn't looked at his bruised and battered body. He did not know the other's intentions and would rather not expose himself that way.
"I-is Sato-san, the nurse, around?" Uryu asked hesitantly, unknowing what to say for a moment. Sado and he were no longer friends, after all, and he still didn't understand what had pushed his tall classmate to bring him to the infirmary today.
"No," Sado answered in his distinct, low voice. "The nurse isn't in today. He left a note on the door that he was absent due to an emergency, but as you clearly needed to rest, I—"
"Why did you help me, Sado-kun?" Uryu interrupted him, the desire to know was too great. "After everything that happened these last few months, it makes no sense at all."
Sado stared at him for a moment, weighing his words, probably. "I just wanted to lend you a hand."
"Why?"
The tall teen fell silent for a moment, before squeezing Uryu's shoulder again with the words: "Because you needed help." Sado had always been a man of few words.
"Y-yes, but…" Uryu averted his gaze, his chest constricting hard at the conflicting feelings he felt. What was he going to say? What were Sado's intentions? He didn't understand Sado's sudden motivation to help him, after everything that had been said and left unsaid between them. On a sigh, Uryu let his face sink into his hands for a moment. "W-why haven't you returned to class after you got me into this bed? Why stay here with me? The last few times we spoke didn't end w-well. You told me to find other f-friends, to stay away from I-Ichigo. I d-don't-"
"Ishida," Sado intervened. "I know we've been hard on you these last months, and for that I'm sorry, but... If there is anything you want to share with me now, I'm listening."
"B-but… why?" the startled Quincy stammered.
"Because I think that's what you need."
Uryu took a quivering breath as he stared at Sado's calm face, completely stunned. What was happening all of a sudden? Why would Sado listen to him now? Wasn't he feeling uncomfortable around him anymore? His fingers clutched the sheets still covering his lower body as his tired mind was swamped by awful memories, making him shiver.
He wanted to reach out, needed to be heard desperately, but… he was uncertain of what to do or to say. Sado had turned his back on him before, had judged him harshly without knowing the truth, and Uryu was afraid to place himself in a vulnerable position, for he had already suffered enough.
But he also knew his odds of survival were growing slimmer with each passing day. He feared that he might either die a painful death from starvation or succumb to the freezing cold. Maybe this would be the only chance he would get. He could not afford to let this opportunity slip through his fingers…
"S-so much… has happened, Sado-kun," Uryu whispered. "I-I don't even know where to b-begin…"
The Quincy fell silent, attempting to regroup his thoughts about what to share with the other teen. The way they had treated him for months, and all the hardships he'd had to face alone, had taken an enormous toll on his confidence and self-esteem, and he found himself struggling for words…
After fighting all the emotions that twirled inside of him for a moment, Uryu decided to start with his most pressing issue: his current situation of living under a bridge. This was a problem for which Sado might be able to offer immediate assistance, provided he was willing to help. Although Isshin and Kon had probably been willing to help him with that too, he hadn't wanted to take the risk of Isshin bawling out his ex-father, and all the consequences that would follow. That, and the fact that Ichigo was very eager to kick him out of his house…
Uryu understood that if this initial revelation didn't go well, there might be no need to broach even more difficult subjects.
However, before Uryu could get any words out, he felt a large hand on his shoulder again, giving him a reassuring squeeze. This was more support than Sado had shown him for months, and as hope was slowly filling the hole in his broken heart, he could only look at the tall teen with a trembling lower lip and watery eyes.
Would someone finally listen to him?
Then, Sado took a long sigh. "It's okay, Ishida. I already know."
Uryu's eyes grew wide, uncertain of what Sado was referring to, and this time he could get his mouth into action. "W-what do you mean?"
Sado's face kept completely calm as he admitted: "Ichigo has told me. What that Espada made him do."
"W-what?" Uryu croaked as his eyes widened in shock. "H-he told y-you?"
"Yes."
"O-oh my g-god," Uryu stammered, struggling to believe he actually heard that right. "O-oh no…"
The Quincy felt his heart hammer in his chest, anxiety coursing through his body, and he looked away. His hands clutched the sheets even harder, so hard his knuckles turned white. How much did Sado known? Did he know about the Vasto Lorde's assault? When had Ichigo told him? Uryu felt his throat close up, rendering him silent.
'Dear god…'
Uryu had wanted to tell Sado about his miserable life, about his father kicking him out of his home, hoping to finally get some much-needed help, but… Not this. This was much too hard. This was the last thing he had wanted to tell anybody, no matter how painful it was to be unable to get something that devastating off his chest. It was humiliating and it made him feel vulnerable and exposed.
Uryu tried to keep it together, but couldn't stifle a desperate sound when all kinds of emotions started surging through him. He wouldn't be able to face Sado's judgement. But it was already too late. Sado knew. He had not wanted to use this information as a leverage to gain sympathy, especially not because he'd been treated by crap by Ichigo and his friends solely for the fact that he tried to reach out to him. But it seemed Ichigo had thought of the sacrifices Uryu had made on his behalf differently….
"Ichigo is not doing well right now," Sado broke the silence. Uryu took another quivering breath and locked eyes with the tall teen. "He needed to share that heavy burden with someone. It was killing him."
Uryu's lip trembled as he absorbed that information. After the last time he had witnessed Ichigo break down in front of him, he had already guessed the other boy had experienced a meltdown. However, he had tried not to dwell on how Ichigo was doing, as those haunting words—'I wish you would just die'—kept echoing in his head.
"B-but why," mumbled the Quincy, still finding it difficult to believe they were having this conversation. "A-Abarai already knew e-everything. He d-didn't have to tell y-you…"
"Why not?" the tall teen questioned while raising an eyebrow. "Ichigo needed to get that off his chest to start healing."
Uryu made a choked sob, still trying not to fall apart. Didn't Sado understand how difficult this was for him? He clutched the sheets between his fingers again. For months now, he had to cope with that unbearable secret all by himself. He had not been able to tell a single soul how it was eating him up inside. To be tortured like that by Ichigo, simply because he had been foolish enough to fall in love with him…
"D-do the girls k-know as well?" Uryu stammered.
"No," came the immediate answer. "Ichigo has told only me."
"R-right…" That at least, gave Uryu a bit of relief, shifting his gaze towards his clenched hands on a sigh. Orihime and Rukia didn't know. Only his ex-father, Renji and Sado. He could only guess how much Ichigo had told Sado, though. "B-but… why do you w-want to talk about this?"
Sado sighed deeply and fell silent for a moment. "As I said, Ichigo is not doing well. The thought that he did something that awful is crushing him. I know that you won't like nor understand his reasons, but I need to ask you to leave him be when he manages to come back to school."
Ah, yes, that again. Like Uryu didn't already know he had to stay a mile away from Ichigo.
Another unsettling feeling settled around Uryu's heart as he stated: "I f-forgave him. S-so many times, b-but…"
"Yes, Ichigo told me, but that won't heal him. For a hero like him to sustain a trauma like that is beyond our comprehension. Ichigo has suffered a lot and is still suffering."
Uryu stifled a whimper, anxious of where this was going, but at the same time, there was one inconvenient truth he wanted to share. "I-I am suffering too, a-and I don't have a-anyone to support me."
Sado looked surprised, and Uryu was now convinced that the other teen wouldn't understand the sorrowful role he had played in this horrifying story.
"You must be exaggerating again, Ishida. Your father's a doctor; surely he will listen to you. And you have other friends you can trust, right?"
Uryu remained silent at that. He had told Sado the truth, yet he didn't believe him. No, he didn't have any other friends. There was no one he could talk to about something this hard. The insult 'drama-queen' rang through his mind and made him take a quivering breath because the conversation was draining him. The hope that he could reach out to Sado was dying inside his heart and left only sorrow in its wake. He was no longer inclined in revealing the harsh truth about his messed-up life. Sado was going to continue to give him a lecture, not offer his help, and Uryu was done with making himself vulnerable when it was clearly pointless.
"W-what do you want me to do then? You told me you'd hear me out, but…"
Sado sighed and ran a hand through his hair, probably weighing his words again. "Look, Ishida, I understand that this whole 'stay away from Ichigo' thing isn't easy on you, and it's blunt of me to say this, but your wounds have been healed by Inoue a few months ago. Ichigo's guilt is crushing him, and it will take a long time for him to heal, especially when you keep reminding him of what he's done. Ichigo never wanted for any of those things to happen…"
Sado had finally revealed the real reason why he sought him out, and Uryu felt his broken heart take another beating. It was exactly as he had suspected. Sado wanted to talk about Ichigo and couldn't even imagine how miserable his life had become after their imprisonment.
"N-neither d-did I…" Uryu stammered, his eyes anywhere but on Sado, feeling himself get emotional. "I d-didn't want for any of that to h-happen either. I am s-suffering each a-and every day, and e-every night I am h-haunted in my dreams."
Sado gave him a questioning look, before continuing: "But I thought that was what you wanted. You wanted to… well, be with Ichigo… like that."
The Quincy couldn't take any more, and he felt his broken heart fracture even further. His pupils dilated from shock, his lower lip trembled, and with a stilted breath, he turned his horrified face toward a person he had once called a friend.
"Y-you think I… I wanted that?" Hurt and anger were swirling inside of him, fighting for dominance. This whole time Uryu had assumed that Sado was giving him the cold shoulder because he didn't understand what was going on and wanted to stay loyal to his best friend, but now, Ichigo had told him. He knew. And it hadn't changed a thing. All of his former friends were on Ichigo's side and he was still treated like crap. Nobody cared about trash like him…
"Well, yes," Sado flatly replied. "You wanted to sleep with him, didn't you?"
Uryu clenched his fists so hard his nails cut into his skin. How little they all thought of him…
"H-how dare you…" He had had his fill of all this. He was as much a victim, if not more, than Ichigo was, but none of the few people who knew the truth about what had happened to him seemed to understand how much he had suffered. Ichigo needed to heal, so he had to keep his distance. His own wounds were healed—was that to be the end of it? "How dare you!" Uryu shouted, wounded and furious, his anger pushing him to crash his fist into Sado's face.
Sado was clearly taken completely by surprise and gaped at him, cradling his cheek. "B-but—"
"I've had enough of all of your fucked-up judgment! How dare you tell me that I wanted that! Have all of you gone completely insane?" Uryu's heart was pounding from sheer anger, causing a strain on his weakened body and making him feel dizzy, but he wouldn't back down. Not anymore. Sado had had it coming for a long time, and he brought this upon himself. "Would you have treated Orihime the same way you are treating me? Would you have told her she wanted to get raped by Ichigo? Do my feelings for him negate the fact that I never gave my consent to any of that? Or is it solely because you can't stomach I'm in love with your best friend?"
The tall teen was stunned by Uryu's sudden outburst and seemed to be struggling for words. "I-Ishida, I—"
"Shut up!" Uryu howled. White, hot fury fueled his legs, and he jumped out of bed, glaring daggers at Sado. "You don't care about me! Everyone is only concerned with Ichigo, the fallen hero, while I'm always being accused of being a drama-queen! The way I am suffering after that horrendous ordeal is of no importance, because that was what I wanted, right?" Then, a wave of vertigo came over him, making the Quincy stumble on a soft groan. Strong hands gripped him by the shoulders to steady him.
"Calm down, Ishida. You're not well." Sado said, but Uryu wouldn't have any of it. He was done with him, with all of them, and stubbornly slapped the other's hands away before taking a step back, trembling from anger.
"Stop telling me what to do! Or how to feel!" Uryu hollered. "You're all just a bunch of assholes! I should never have befriended any of you! I should never have fallen for that cold-hearted jerk of an Ichigo!" Rage and profound hurt attacked his body and mind, and Uryu started panting from the strain.
"Ishida, I didn't mean to—" Sado reached for him again, but Uryu slapped his hands aside once more.
"You didn't mean to what? To insult me? To hurt me? I don't want to listen to you anymore!" Uryu felt himself boiling over, unable to hold back any of it. "Everything is my fault anyway! I went through hell in that prison, but I wanted every minute of it, didn't I? Because that makes it easier for Ichigo, right? For all of you?"
"Listen—" Sado began, but the Quincy cut him off.
"No, you will listen to me now, as I'll give you what you asked for! I wanted Ichigo to cut out my prostate while I was fully conscious! I wanted to be forcefully taken like that! I wanted Ichigo to crack my ribs and pierce my lung so I could choke on my own blood! I wanted him to make my insides tear and bleed! I wanted Ichigo to turn into that monster and fuck me so hard I almost died!"
Sado looked at him in utter shock, eyes wide and lower lip trembling, but completely silent. Uryu was breathing hard and only realized then that tears were streaming down his face. As he made a broken sob, standing on trembling legs, he felt himself crumble; his severely broken heart could no longer take this. Nor could his devastated psyche.
Heavy silence hung in the air, while Sado just gaped at him. Uryu tried to catch his breath and attempted to wipe away the hot tears that kept spilling from his eyes, but to no avail. He was exhausted and his blood pressure was plummeting, but even on the edge of a breakdown, there was one thing he still needed to know. Something that had been bothering him for weeks.
Uryu's voice quivered as he feverishly wiped his eyes, still having Sado's full attention. "A-answer this one q-question," he stammered. "I-if I had been captured by that Espada b-by myself, w-without Ichigo, would you have c-come for me?"
Sado seemed completely taken aback by that question and swallowed before averting his gaze. "I… I don't know… b-because—"
"That's what I figured," Uryu muttered, feeling the hurt inside his severely broken heart become unbearable. Fresh tears streamed down his cheeks as he locked eyes with Sado one final time and spat: "You should have left me to die there! That would have been more merciful than having to live this fucked-up life!"
Sado took a wavering breath, while Uryu shot him down with an ice-cold, yet tear-filled, glare. "I-Ishida, let me explain—"
"Fuck you!" Uryu roared, turned on his heals and dashed towards the door.
"Ishida, wait!" Sado yelled.
But the Quincy could no longer stand it and made for the door of the storage room only a little further in that same hallway. He quickly locked the door behind him and, in his haste, tripped over a bucket that had been standing there. With a startled yelp, Uryu crashed onto the floor in a frenzy of hurt and tears. His frame trembled as painful sobs escaped his lips. Body and mind completely spent, he couldn't get up anymore.
They wouldn't have come for him. He was certain of that now. They had only come for Ichigo. He didn't matter. He was just a burden. He was merely a gay freak. There was no way out for trash like him…
Between the tears and agony, he heard Sado talk to him through the door, but, distressed as he was, he was unable to understand a word he said. If Sado came to apologize for his unbelievable behavior, it was too late.
None of it mattered anymore. Uryu knew that without help, he would probably not survive the winter. But he'd rather die than ask any of his cruel, stuck-up, so called friends for help. Ichigo wanted him dead anyway. And there was no way he would go back to his father and face his insane judgement either.
His blood pressure dropped even further as his pain stricken mind filled with dark thoughts and it didn't take long before Uryu lost consciousness.