Shades Of Self Chapter 25

Disclaimer: Not a chance.

Yay, new chapter! It's been a long time since I wrote. I have to thank Wander Over Yonder for inspiring me and helping me to write again. I discovered it recently and it really helped me through some rough stuff. I'm going to be writing a lot for that fandom now, but my other stories have been sorely neglected and I'm really going to try to update them as well. Naturally Shades Of Self is one I've been missing, so here is chapter 25.

I'm kind of sad we will be getting to the end of the flashback chapters soon. They are lots of fun to write. This one is a little shorter than usual. This is where it needs to stop before the next chapter.

We are finally getting to the chapter. Content warnings are below for the next couple of flashback chapters. We are going to earn that M rating if I haven't already done so.

See you at the bottom!

"As she grew, matured and gained more knowledge and skill, she knew not that it was all to serve the almighty Sun; she knew not that this was what she was made for."

-From Arritessa the Chosen

Warnings

Depression

Emotional/Mental manipulation

Ben being treated like a pet

Animal death

Trauma

Four Years Ago

Ben stood uncomfortably beside his master and watched the strange aliens filing into the reception room. This was his first time attending a gathering like this and he wasn't sure what to expect. Most of the visitors were from the warlord's retinue from what Ben understood. Subordinates from Vilgax's fleet of warships or other planets he controlled. There were guards, servants and officials, but there were also others Ben had never seen before; allies and…potential allies.

The vast, stone room was already quite crowded, uncomfortably so for Ben, who had grown used to being alone or with only Vilgax for company. It made him feel vaguely claustrophobic and on edge. He took an unconscious step closer to the warlord as several of their lenopan visitors moved nearer. A trickle of shame flowed through him when he realized what he had done, but it was less than it had been only a week ago, and it wasn't enough to make him move away again.

The lenopans certainly made for an intimidating group, even if this meeting was ostensibly peaceful. Ben hadn't seen any aliens from their species since the wedding fiasco, what felt like countless years ago, and they radiated power in every movement of their mud-like bodies. At least he was fairly sure there was no one here who would recognize him. This group was from a different faction, one not at peace with the Plumbers. He wasn't sure whether they planned on joining Vilgax's forces, and found himself hoping they weren't.

The atmosphere in general was tense and heavy with expectation, and it made Ben feel tense and frazzled. He wasn't looking forward to when the actual conference started. He wasn't even sure why Vilgax had brought him here.

A fair amount of time had passed since Vilgax's return from wherever he had gone; since Ben had woken up to the warlord's gentle petting and hadn't resisted. Ben had stopped trying to keep track of the days and weeks. He had no calendar, nor anything to write with. It was impossible to figure out how much time had passed, and it only made him feel depressed when he tried. He didn't want to dwell on how long he had been gone, or the fact that he was no longer waiting for a rescue he knew wasn't coming. There was a fair amount to occupy his mind in the present, at least, and he was only rarely alone long enough to agonize about his past.

More small changes to his routine had followed, not all at once, but one or two every week, giving him some time to get used to each change as it came. Some of the changes were pleasant, such as several new aliens for Ben to practice with, or different variations in his diet.

Others were…less so.

One day Ben had followed Vilgax to the training arena as usual, but when the stone doors slid open, he took a step back at what he saw. Instead of the usual variety of robots that Ben had grown used to facing, he saw some kind of alien creature, huge and armored. It supported itself on eight muscled legs, and six curved horns sprouted from its head.

Ben had taken an uncertain step backwards. He shot a glance at Vilgax, but when the alien ordered him to morph, he did so without complaint. He had fought against alien creatures before, after all. The creature was clearly aggressive. It snorted and charged, and Ben plunged into the battle, shaking off the strangeness, and for a while he was completely focused on the fight. The alien creature was very strong, and its tough hide protected it from damage by most of Ben's forms. Even as Diamondhand it felt like punching solid rock.

Even so, the fight was exhilarating. It was always thrilling when he felt truly challenged by a new opponent, and this alien was certainly a challenge. Ben knew he would have had a much harder time before he had been training with the master control feature. The beast was surprisingly fast for its size, and Ben found himself shifting rapidly into swift or small forms to avoid its charges, then into some of his stronger forms for a counterattack. He found that Canonbolt was most effective against it, provided he could get up enough ricochet speed. Finally, he landed a solid hit to the skull that had the creature stunned. It sunk unsteadily to its haunches, unfocused and shaky, though not yet down for the count.

That was when the command came: "Kill it."

He wasn't given the option to refuse, and his body was obeying even before his mind had fully caught up to the realization of what was being demanded. His body shifted without his consent, dove forward and he felt diamond fists striking thick, scaly flesh. He thought he had called out in protest, but he didn't know what he had said. The words were a blur in his memory. He remembered the sound the creature had made much more vividly; the strangled groan it let out as its throat was collapsed. It was over before he could even fully understand what he had done, and then Vilgax was beside him as he changed back.

Ben had been shaking, he knew; that jittery trembling that made his teeth feel like chattering. He couldn't stop looking at the creature's eyes as they slowly clouded over. Ben had been fishing with Grandpa Max before, and he had seen the fish flopping around and going still in the bottom of the boat, but this was different. He felt numb. Vilgax's hand on his head had surprised him. He had almost forgotten the warlord was there.

"Why?" His voice felt wrung out of him. He had to force the word out past the pain in his chest. It wasn't really asked as a question, but Vilgax answered anyway, and his harsh voice was softer than Ben was used to hearing it.

"Because I ordered it," Vilgax said, and Ben heard the finality in the words. There was nothing else to be said. It was, after all, the only reason Vilgax had ever given him.

That had been the end of training for the day, but the creature's eyes had stayed with Ben through the rest of the day and into the night. Vilgax was more attentive than usual. He held Ben tenderly that evening and his petting was soft and gentle. It was more comforting than Ben wanted to admit. Eventually the memory faded in its intensity and he no longer saw it behind his eyelids when he lay in the dark at night trying to sleep. It was not the last creature he trained against, and not the last one he killed. These training sessions were spaced out, with a break after each one as though Vilgax were giving him space to get used to the idea each time. After a few more of times Vilgax began ordering Ben to kill the creatures he faced instead of commanding him.

A few sessions after that, Ben started obeying.

That first fight no longer held much horror for him, followed up as it had been by many other similar ones. It still made him sad to think about, but it was something he couldn't have prevented, and something he couldn't change. He had no choice after all. When Vilgax told him to do something he had to do it. Any protest was transient. He tried not to dwell on the memories too much. Vilgax was always there to comfort him when they became too much for him, and Ben found himself becoming more comfortable in his master's presence, accustomed to Vilgax's coddling and the soft voice he used when he spoke to Ben at night in his room.

Ben had grown used to having Vilgax as his only companion. Now, in expansive reception room, he felt uncomfortable with all the strange aliens. Many were species he was unfamiliar with. There was chatter and noise and movement everywhere he looked. Most of the visitors seemed to be ignoring him, which he was used to, but he could tell he was still a curiosity. Eyes would focus on him then flicker away again to some other part of the room. Vilgax had not introduced him to anyone, and it made Ben very aware of his status. He was not one of the warlord's subordinates or even a servant. He was Vilgax's pet. He was not permitted to speak to anyone, or to interact with them. He merely had to stay close to his master and to listen.

This was harder than it sounded. It wasn't as if Ben was uninterested in what was going on in the galaxy at large, or that he had stopped caring about what happened on the planets Vilgax was invading, but there was nothing he could do to help, and any information he gained only served to make him feel more miserable and useless. When he heard about armies amassing and planets falling to the warlord's forces it was a painful reminder that he could do nothing.

He never even learned the full picture of what was happening, but instead found himself privy to a random collection of reports and half-heard plans for conquest. Vilgax took him to war meetings sometimes, but much of the information would go over Ben's head; a jumbled collection of place names and references to people he didn't recognize. He would sit there feeling confused half of the time and filled with a helpless dread during the rest. Then there were the looks he received from those present. Most of Vilgax's subordinates were used to seeing him by now and they ignored him as if he were nothing more than an ornament on Vilgax's armor. It made Ben want to fade into the background even more than usual. He was used to this treatment, but it still made him feel small.

Then there was Trissara. Trissara was…different. Ben was pretty sure she was Vilgax's second in command, although this had never been confirmed for him. She was certainly high up in the rankings, and reported to Vilgax frequently. Trissara never spoke to Ben during reports or war meetings, but she certainly treated him differently from the others. While most of Vilgax's subordinates tended to ignore him, she never did. He could feel her eyes on him whenever he saw her, and he caught her looking at him frequently during meetings as though she were checking his reaction. It gave him the creeps, and he generally tried to pretend he didn't notice.

All of this made it even harder to pay attention during the meetings and reports and Ben was always relieved when they finished and it was just him and Vilgax again.

Ben glanced up at his master. Vilgax was speaking to each of the visitors as they arrived. His voice was curt and he projected an air of command and control. Most of the aliens nodded respectfully before leaving to mingle with the other visitors. There was no doubt who would be in charge of any potential alliances. Ben forced himself to prick up his ears and listen to the greetings, despite his discomfort. He would not be introduced to any of the visitors, but it would probably be good to learn some names. He should try to pay attention during the conference as well. There was probably a reason he was here after all, even if he didn't know what it was. And it was better than being stuck in his room. At least while he was here there was something to do, and he wouldn't be alone.

The last of the strange aliens seemed to have arrived now and one of Vilgax's lieutenants was ushering them through a set of double doors into a circular conference room. Vilgax glanced down at Ben as though he felt the boy's gaze and one clawed hand ruffled his hair before he turned to enter the conference room as well. Ben ducked his head slightly at the touch before turning and following his master through the double doors.

The morning after the gathering, Ben woke refreshed.

The conference had been long, and seemed to have been successful as far as Vilgax was concerned. The warlord had gained several new allied groups, and some new sources of intelligence from what Ben had understood. It had been mentally exhausting keeping track of the different speakers and trying to understand the politics at play and Ben had fallen asleep easily once he and Vilgax had returned to the warlord's rooms. Now Ben was full of energy and ready for today's training. It was still his favourite part of the day, despite the unpleasant parts that happened sometimes.

As usual, Vilgax was already up and working at his desk. Vilgax did sleep, as Ben had discovered some weeks ago, but he only seemed to need a couple of hours a night. Ben was also pretty sure that these rest times had something to do with the alien's rehabilitation. Vilgax's rest involved him being immersed in some kind of bright green gel in the sunken area of his inner chamber and having a great many wires and tubes attached to him. He most likely received nutrients through the tubes as well, as the alien never seemed to eat. Ben had only seen the process once. As a general rule Vilgax preferred to be alone during his rest and Ben usually stayed in the alien's main room during this time.

Vilgax noticed that Ben was awake, but was obviously in the middle of something, so Ben occupied himself with looking out of the big window while he waited. The pond outside was wreathed in morning mist and several small lizard-like creatures were wading in the shallow mud by the bank. Ben felt a familiar tightness in his chest as he watched. Vilgax had not yet given him permission to go outside. Every time he earned a new reward of some kind Ben wondered if he would be granted this small freedom. Vilgax knew it was something he wanted after all. It gave him something to hope for, even if it hadn't happened yet.

Vilgax's robots brought breakfast. Ben ate quietly, appreciating the food as he always did, but keeping his face neutral. Shortly after he finished, Vilgax closed the viewscreen he was working on. The warlord stood, turning to Ben who was watching him intently.

"How did you sleep, little one?" he asked.

The question was a common one. Ben frequently had trouble sleeping. Despite expecting to be asked, Ben still found himself feeling tongue tied, as he usually was when talking to Vilgax. He felt pinned by the pressure of the alien's red eyes.

"Fine, Master." He forced the words out. Vilgax's expected address feeling heavy on his tongue. At least it was the truth this time. Ben tended to respond the same way regardless of how well he had slept. He was pretty sure Vilgax could tell when he was lying, but the alien had never questioned his answer.

"Good." Vilgax approved. "Are you ready for training?"

Ben nodded. He kept his eyes on his feet, not wanting the warlord to see his anticipation. Vilgax's tentacles rippled in amusement anyway and Ben knew his master saw right through him.

"Then come," the alien ordered and Ben's feet moved automatically as they headed out the door and down the decorated stone corridor.

Ben sometimes wondered why he bothered putting on this act when Vilgax could tell how he felt anyway. He wasn't fooling his master, or even himself. He didn't really know why he did it, just that as long as he pretended it felt like there was a small part of him that hadn't given up yet, that hadn't succumbed to his captor, and he wasn't quite ready to lose that final part of himself, at least not yet. What good it would do, he had no idea, but as he followed Vilgax down the hallways to the training arena, that tiny corner of his heart seemed like the only part that felt like it was still him, and that was enough of a reason.

At least for now.

Thanks for reading!

A bit of a time jump once again. I hope it wasn't confusing for anyone. Vilgax has continued pushing and Ben…has been pushed a little farther.

The lenopans are the sludge puppies naturally. I love those guys. ;)

We have one more present-day chapter, then we will return to the past for the final time in this story. We're all set up for it and it's gonna be a doozy.

"Traveling Companions" will probably be updated next.

See you soon!