Hey there! Bringing you chapter 10 of the story, I hope you like it, and as always, THANKS FOR READING ;)
FEELS LIKE HOME… OR MAYBE NOT
Lea had packed all her things and said goodbye to her family, although they weren't too happy with her, except for her grandma who was sad about her leaving again.
"Aw, Nonna, You're going to make me cry…" Lea said sadly and hugged her grandma, then added "I'll come visit you as soon and as many times as I can, I promise"
"Just take care of yourself" Her grandma said and smiled a little.
A car honking was heard, it was Sarah who was there to pick Lea and take her to the airport.
Lea hugged her grandma one last time then grabbed her bags and headed outside to Sarah's car, her friend got out the car and helped her load the bags in the back giving Lea's parents a quick glare as they stood by their front door watching them, then Lea climbed in the co-pilot seat and Sarah drove off to the airport. They chatted about Lea's plans and about Sarah's upcoming honeymoon, then, once they got to the airport, they shared a hug.
"You have to come visit me in California" Lea said.
"Of course I will! I'm not sure when but we'll arrange something" Sarah nodded and grinned as she pulled back from the hug, and added "Have a safe flight, take care, and stay in touch, okay?"
Lea nodded smiling and replied "I promise" then they looked at each other for a moment like mentally wishing each other the best and, finally, Lea walked away to get her bags checked in and then boarded the plane.
She was on her seat, looking out the window as the plane flew across the country to get to San Jose. She was thinking about all the things that happened in Hershey and how everything had gone so wrong, shattering her dream. She felt like a failure, not only had she failed herself but, she felt like she had failed her grandpa, too; probably the only good thing that had come out from that trip was seeing her grandma and spending time with her again, and reconnecting with Sarah, because everything else had been a mess.
She then began thinking about Shaun, their lack of communication over the past month, and everything she had talked about with Sarah. She thought her friend was right when she said she shouldn't deny herself the possibility of something between her and Shaun happening, but, at the same time, she really didn't want an actual relationship with him or anyone else, she just didn't feel ready for something like that again because, in her mind, she was too much to handle and, in this case, Shaun was probably to good to have to deal with the mess that she was, and because of that, she thought that something between them wouldn't end well, and she didn't even want to think about him not being in her life, not even as a friend, so the possibility of a relationship was there only thanks to Sarah, even though Lea wasn't so sure about it.
Then, Lea thought about what she would say to him, she wanted to surprise him and hoped he would be happy to see her, but there was no way to know for sure. She also thought she could ask to stay at his place until she found another apartment, but, in case he said no, she would have to go somewhere else, so she started making a mental list of the hotels she could go to stay at, but she was hoping he would at least let her stay with him for the night, because she didn't want to be out there at night with her heavy bags looking for a place to sleep in, otherwise, the last resort would be to sleep in the Stripped Tomato that she had left parked in the spot that belonged to Shaun, but since he has no car, Lea had asked him to let her keep the car there and, later on, she would either get it and take it to Hershey or she would somehow get it delivered, but since things there hadn't worked out, there was no need to move the car anymore.
When she arrived to San Jose, she had to fight the urge to pull her phone out to text Shaun, so she just got a taxi and headed to the building where she used to live. She didn't have a key to the front door anymore, but waited for someone to walk out of the building so she could sneak in, but Armen saw her as he was cleaning the floor.
"Hey Armen!" She grinned at him and he looked at her annoyedly.
"What are you doing here? You don't live here anymore" He said.
"I know, but I still have a friend who lives here, so…" She shrugged sassily.
"Shaun's not even back from work yet, I can't just let you walk in here like that"
She rolled her eyes "Oh come on, Armen, it's not like I'm some stranger! I want to surprise Shaun, so I'll wait for him by his door, okay?"
He narrowed his eyes at her not trusting her then sighed and reluctantly agreed "Fine… but if he doesn't show up, I want you out of here"
"Yeah, yeah…" She walked to the elevator and pressed the button, then she headed up to the third floor, walked out to Shaun's apartment and placed her bags down on the floor, right next to his door, letting out an excited little squeal.
She was still sad about what had happened in Hershey and how things hadn't worked as she had expected but she was also truly happy to be back in San Jose; she wasn't excited about having to find a new place and a new job, she was just excited to see Shaun again.
She paced along the hallway, listened to music with her headphones on, sat on the floor next to her bags, distracted herself with her phone and texted Sarah to let her know she had arrived safely, then she got up from the floor and paced some more, all while waiting for Shaun to get back from work.
—What if he does't come? I haven't talked to him in like a month, what if he's on call today?… Crap.— She thought and hoped that wasn't the case.
She waited for about 3 hours until the elevator doors opened, she turned around as soon as she heard the noise from the elevator, and there he was…
She smiled almost automatically as she saw him and let out a sigh of relief, as if some sort of weight had been removed from her shoulders, because she had been waiting to see him all day, from the moment she boarded the plane to get back to San Jose, it was all she had been wanting that day.
As they stood some meters away from each other in the hallway, she couldn't help thinking about running to hug him tight, or maybe she wanted him to walk to her and hug her, but she knew he wouldn't just do that and if she ran to him, she could overwhelm him, and she didn't want that.
Shaun stared at her for a moment, with no apparent expression on his face, which made it hard for her to tell if he was happy or not about seeing her, but instead of overthinking about it, she decided to take it with some humor.
She chuckled looking at him, then teased "Aren't you going to say hello? Where are your manners, Dr. Murphy?"
Shaun blinked a few times as if Lea's words had taken him out of some sort of trance he was in, and replied with a simple "Hello"
Lea grinned at the sound of his voice and he glanced down to her bags, then she followed his gaze.
"Yeah, I'm back, Shaunie" She said and looked back at him, smiling.
He looked back at her too, for a second, then walked to his door, pulling his keys out of his pocket, and Lea moved aside. There was still no sign of excitement or anything on his expression or body language, he just opened his door and she watched him, then he walked into his apartment and she stood by the door.
"May I come in?" She asked arching a brow.
"Yes" He said as he placed his backpack down and pulled off his jacket to hang it neatly in his closet.
Lea grinned and walked in dragging her heavy bags while Shaun stood by his dining table fiddling with his fingers a little, then she closed the door, left her bags near the door and walked towards Shaun.
She looked up at him, smiling softly, like studying his features but he didn't make eye contact with her.
"Can I… hug you?" She asked in a sweet and hopeful soft tone.
Shaun seemed to analyze the question briefly then shrugged slightly, which Lea took as a "yes", so she moved closer and, while still looking up at Shaun, she gently wrapped her arms around his waist, then rested her head against his chest.
"I missed you" She mumbled squeezing him a little in her arms as she pressed the side of her face some more against his chest and sighed, feeling safe and relaxed, and thought —This is what being at home should feel like… Hershey didn't feel like this…— but Shaun apparently wasn't feeling the same way.
"Okay…" He said after a minute and gently pushed Lea away from him.
She frowned a bit, trying not to think too much about his actions, and hoped that he was just feeling a little overloaded from the hug rather than actually rejecting her for some other reason.
He looked around the room and fiddled with his fingers in a nervous manner, Lea watched him.
"Shaun… Is everything okay?"
"Yes," he said, because it was the truth, they were fine, they were alive and well, the building was fine, his career was fine, everything was fine, but what about him? His mind raced a hundred miles per second, thinking of a million reasons why Lea might have returned, there was only one way to know for sure, and it was by asking her, but he didn't want that, he was more concerned about how he was feeling or how he was supposed to be feeling, which was overwhelming.
Lea watched him trying not to overthink about his reaction, or rather his lack of reaction about her return.
"We could order something to eat for dinner and talk?" She suggested.
"Mmh… I'm not hungry, I'm tired…" He lied to her. He just didn't want to talk to her, there was too much in his head that he wasn't understanding.
"All right…" She said as worry grew inside her, but there was one more thing she had to ask him, so she added "So… I just got back and I have no place to stay at… I thought I'd come and visit my only friend in San Jose and ask him if I could crash at his place until I find another apartment… What do you say?" Her brow arched up expectantly, looking at him.
He looked around, not really wanting to make eye contact with her, because even that felt overwhelming for him.
"Okay" He answered after a minute and she smiled softly, just glad he had agreed, then he turned around and walked to his closet, grabbed his night clothes, and walked into the bathroom.
Lea watched him and while he was in the bathroom, she moved closer to the door, and asked "Do you mind if I order something? I'm actually starving"
"It's all right" He replied.
"Are you sure you don't want me to order something for you, too?"
"Yes, I am sure" He said opening the bathroom's door, then walked out to his bed.
"Okay, Mr. Few Words…" Lea muttered, pulled her phone out from her pocket and moved to sit on one of the chairs by the table, opened a delivery app, and placed an order.
In the meantime, he moved his furniture around, pulled out a sleeping bag and a spare pillow and placed them on the floor, about 4 feet away from his own bed.
"You can sleep there" He said, Lea got up from the chair and walked to where he was standing, then looked down at the bed he had made for her.
"Thank you" She smiled at him.
"You're welcome" He said and moved to lay down on his bed, adding "I'm going to sleep now, good night"
He moved under his covers, facing the ceiling and Lea watched him. She wanted to talk to him, she had a lot to tell him, but maybe he really was tired —He's a surgeon, Lea, of course he's tired. Let the man rest, there will be plenty of time to talk tomorrow— She thought, and that eased her mind.
"Good night, Shaunie" She said, then walked back to the table and sat again.
Eventually, even with everything that was going on in his head, he fell asleep. Lea ate her food quietly, watching a movie on her phone, with her headphones on to not bother Shaun, then she went to bed as well, thinking about the next day, what she wanted and had to do, one of those things were to spend time with Shaun, but he had other plans…
In the morning, she woke up as usual, it wasn't too late nor too early, she glanced around and saw Shaun's bed empty and tidied, she sat up and looked around, then stood up and stretched out her body, making some of her bones crack as she moved. She then walked to where the table was and there was a note from Shaun with a spare key to the apartment resting on top of the paper.
The note read "I have gone to work. Shaun"
She chuckled softly and walked to the fridge, then opened it to only find yogurt, 2 apples, water, some milk and juice —Typical of Shaun…— She thought and closed the fridge, because she was craving a more hearty breakfast.
After an hour or so, she was showered and dressed for the day, so she grabbed the key Shaun had left for her and headed out to the garage. She uncovered the Stripped Tomato and smiled, happy to see it again, but then a strong feeling of guilt hit her and felt a knot form in her throat. She looked down at the ground and closed her eyes, trying to keep a few tears from coming out as she remembered everything that happened in Hershey, and how they lost her grandfather's shop.
"I'm so sorry ..." She said into the air as if she were talking to her grandfather, then she felt a tear roll down her cheek and she wiped it away with her hand, lifted her head took a deep breath.
"Always keep your head up, kiddo" She recalled her grandpa saying.
She got in the car and took out her phone to find a nice place where she could have breakfast. She knew pretty much every food establishment nearby, but was curious to see if a new one had opened while she was away, and indeed, there were two, so she drove out of the garage to the nearest one.
At the new place, she sat at a table right next to the window and ordered her breakfast, then pulled out her laptop and began looking for job offers.
When the waiter brought her food, he also had a plate with chocolate chip pancakes on the tray, that belonged to someone else, but the first thing Lea thought about when she saw them was Shaun.
"Uhm, can I… this is going to sound so weird but, can I just take a quick photo of those pancakes?" She asked the waiter, smiling at him.
He looked at her like thinking she was just one more hipster in the area, then he shrugged and showed her the pancakes.
"Go ahead" He said.
She pulled out her phone and took a photo of the pancakes, then grinned and looked back at the waiter.
"Thank you so much, they look really good" She told him and he smiled at her then told her to enjoy her food before walking away to another table, to deliver the pancakes to whoever had ordered them.
Lea looked at the photo she took and chuckled at how good it looked given how random it had been, but the whole place and all the food actually looked like it had been pulled out of some instagram post from some famous influencer.
She didn't care if the picture looked great or not, she just cared about the pancakes and how good they looked. She opened her messages and sent the photo to Shaun, saying:
"We should come together to this new place sometime, looks like they make really good pancakes"
Then she ate her food and continued looking for jobs, as well as applying to several of them.
She couldn't help thinking that she was starting all over again, like years ago, and it somehow terrified her, because she didn't exactly want to work at the kinda job she had before going back to Hershey, but she felt like there wasn't much more out there for her, so it was that or nothing.
The rest of her day ran smoothly, she got back to Shaun's apartment and watched a movie, but she quickly became bored, wishing either Shaun or Sarah were there with her, but she was alone and there was nothing she could do, she didn't want to bother any of them with her neediness on a weekday while they were probably busy working or something.
That night she fell asleep with the tv on and Shaun arrived in the wee hours of the morning, when she was fast asleep, so he turned the tv off. She was so deeply asleep that she didn't even hear him when he arrived nor when he got in the shower.
Once he was laying on his bed, he stared at Lea for a moment, thinking, still unsure about how he really felt about her return, or what he should say. He curled up in his bed and closed his eyes to sleep.
Lea had gone to sleep hoping she could have a nice conversation with Shaun in the morning, but, by the time she woke up, he was already gone again.
She looked at his empty bed and sighed, then thought —I don't know how he does it, seriously… Did he even come home last night?— She sighed and stretched out her body, then a new day started for her.
Before she realized, after checking e-mails, scheduling interviews and applying to other jobs, it was almost lunch time, she got up from the chair she was sitting on and pulled out some money to leave it on the table of the other new place she had found the day before. She grabbed her bag and headed out to her car, thinking maybe Shaun would want to have lunch with her, so she drove to St. Bonaventure.
When she got there, she happily entered the hospital and politely asked around for Dr. Shaun Murphy, until some nurses told her they saw him at the cafeteria with Dr. Brown, so she headed over there to find him.
She didn't know which one of all his colleagues was Dr. Brown because, in their conversations, Shaun would mainly call them by their first names, and she had never seen them in person nor in pictures, but it didn't really matter, because who she was interested in finding was Shaun, not his colleagues.
As she walked down the stairs she saw Shaun and his colleague walking out of the cafeteria, she approached them smiling and jokingly thinking —Is everyone in this hospital good looking or…?— as she saw the pretty doctor who was next to Shaun.
"Hey" She said happily and grinned once she was in front of Shaun. He looked at her with a serious expression on his face, then she continued "I had some time, so I decided to come by and thought maybe we could have lunch together?" She asked and looked at him expectantly.
"N-no, I do not have time" He simply said and walked away, leaving Claire and Lea standing there.
Lea's brow arched up, then looked at Shaun's colleague, like wondering what had just happened before their eyes, but Claire looked just as clueless.
"I - I'm sorry…" Claire said and looked at Lea apologetically, then went after Shaun.
Lea stood in the same spot for a moment as her insecurities creeped in, then she turned around and walked away, out of the hospital.
She got back to her car and thought —Is he avoiding me? What could he possibly be avoiding me for? Is this recent and caused by my return, or he's actually been avoiding me for longer and that's why he wasn't replying to my texts and calls before I came back from Hershey?— she sighed then shook her head, mentally telling herself —Don't be silly, he's a surgeon, he's just busy, he's got lives to safe, that's more important than having lunch with you, Lea…—
"Well, if it's not lunch, then it will be dinner" She muttered into the air and drove off the parking lot to the nearest grocery store, to buy anything she needed to prepare a nice dinner for that night.
She walked around the store with a cart and grabbed several things as she walked down the different aisles, not only grabbing things for what she was going to cook for dinner but to stock up Shaun's fridge and pantry with some other things.
At the fruit aisle, she was grabbing some apples while a random guy, also there, smiled at her, and she politely smiled back, but she had no intentions of flirting at the supermarket that day, so she just focused on her mental shopping list.
Eventually she got back to the apartment, made herself a sandwich for lunch, and checked some more job offers, then she cooked one of her grandma's recipes and even called her to ask about some doubts she had, which Nonna Dilallo was more than happy to sort out.
When the evening arrived, everything was ready, she had cleaned up all the mess she had made in the kitchen and the table was set up nicely with a few fake candles around that she had gotten from the store, for a relaxed vibe, then she stepped back and proudly admired her work for a moment, grinning excitedly; the only thing left for her to do was to wait for Shaun to get back from the hospital, so she sat by the table with her phone and checked random things in it, like auctions to sell the car she had left in Hershey and her family was so upset about.
She waited, and waited, and waited, but Shaun didn't get back home that night and she wasn't sure why, so she texted him asking if he was on his way but he didn't reply.
—Maybe he's in surgery…— She thought, looked at the time on her phone and decided to wait some more, but eventually she got tired and her eyelids became so heavy that it was hard for her to keep her eyes open.
Disappointedly, she turned off the fake candles and put them away, then stored the food she had cooked in containers and placed them inside the fridge, and finally she went to bed, sad, confused, and even a little mad, but she knew she couldn't be mad at him —He's out there saving lives, remember that…— She told herself in her mind and tried hard not to think negatively as she moved inside the sleeping bag, trying to get comfortable, then she fell asleep.
The sound of the fridge opening and closing, a box of cereal shaking and a spoon clanking against a bowl was what woke Lea up that morning. She opened her eyes and saw Shaun's bed empty and tidied as per usual, then she sat up and looked in the direction of the kitchen where the noises came from, Shaun was there, all dressed up and ready for the day, pouring cereal into a bowl.
—Finally…— She thought, got up from her bed and walked to the kitchen, smiling.
"Hey stranger" She said.
"I'm not a stranger, this is my apartment" He replied. Lea chuckled and sat on a chair by the table.
"I know, but it's like you don't even live here, you literally just come home to sleep… if you even do that lately…" She said teasingly as he placed the cereal bowl and a banana in front of her, then walked to the bedroom.
She looked up at him puzzled but surprised by his out of the blue gesture. "Thank you…"
"You're welcome" He said coming back from the bedroom and placed the box with a baseball she had given him when she left San Jose, and added "You can take your baseball now"
She raised a brow looking at him and amusedly thought —Is he kicking me out already?—
"No, Shaun, It was like a joke when I told you that I was just lending it to you, it was a gift, so that you would remember me " She smiled at him.
"N-no" He shook his head, starting to become anxious "I stayed around for a little longer this morning because I wanted to tell you something… I have been avoiding you because I didn't know what to say or how I felt about you coming back, but now I do…" He hesitated for a second and Lea felt her heart break as soon as he said he had indeed been avoiding her for the past few days, then he continued "I don't want the baseball, because I don't want to remember you anymore…"
"Shaun…" She said as her eyes began to get teary.
"No" He interrupted her, and continued "It hurt. Remembering you, hurt… Every night, I would come home, and I would look at that baseball, and I would think of you, and that's all I could do because you weren't here, and it hurt. You went away and it hurt me!" He said, anxiously fiddling with his fingers.
Lea's got up from the chair she was sitting on and tried to get closer in an attempt to make him calm down, but he stepped back.
"Shaun, you know why I went away, I…"
"No" He said interrupting her again, and shook his head, breathing heavier as his eyes, also filled with tears "I was starting to get over it, and now you're back, and I think you will go away again, and I don't want it to hurt again, so you should go back to Hershey, you should have stayed there…"
"I know you don't meat that. I understand you're angry because…"
"I want you to leave! Go back to Hershey or anywhere other than here, I don't care!" He shouted, then grabbed his backpack and left the apartment, leaving Lea standing by the table.
She was buried in a mix of feelings. She was angry, surprised, confused, frustrated, sad, felt pathetic, betrayed somehow, and the feeling of being at home she had felt was suddenly gone.
Her body began to shake, and she basically had to hug herself to calm down as tears came out of her eyes, and she wondered why everyone, apart from her grandma and her friend Sarah, seemed to want her away, was she really that much of a burden?
She had a little cry, still standing in the same spot, just letting all those feelings come out for a moment, then, as she calmed down, she sat on the chair again and began thinking about several things.
She knew her departure hurt Shaun from the moment she told him she was leaving San Jose, it hurt her too, but then, why did he lie to her saying he was okay with it?
"It's not like it would have made a difference if he had told you he wasn't okay with you leaving, you would have left anyway" She told herself and sighed.
She then started thinking about the conversations she had with Sarah about Shaun, her feelings for him and how Sarah asked about giving him a chance.
She definitely had feelings for him, but she thought she was too complicated for him, which Sarah had sort of changed her mind about, but now, with Shaun being like this, there was no doubt in her mind that she was not suitable for him.
She hurt him, more than she had thought, and now he had hurt her too, even if he wasn't aware of it, she didn't want any more of that, she thought that if they were in a relationship, they'd end up hurting each other too much, and then there would be nothing left but resentment, which she absolutely did not want, so any possibility of her giving a relationship with him a chance, was now gone.
He was probably the perfect man for a relationship, or at least he was in her's and Sarah's mind, but it wasn't worth the risk, because she thought it wouldn't work and, in the end, she would not only loose him as a boyfriend but as a friend, too. So, being in a romantic relationship with him, was now definitely off the table, however, she still wanted to be friends with him, but he needed to understand that his words and actions can hurt people, too, and that he wasn't the only one with feelings and a heart that could be broken.
She sighed, trying to get some positivism back into her, then got ready for the day, left the apartment, attended some job interviews she had scheduled for that day, and decided she was going to talk to Shaun later but, once again, he didn't get back home that night; at least she knew for sure that he was still avoiding her, but thought it was rude AF because, even though she had hurt him by leaving San Jose and maybe by not being in a relationship with him, she had been a good friend for him and had been there for him when he most needed a friend, and now that she needed him to be her friend, he was being selfish, which reminded her of her family, who hadn't even bothered to ask if she was okay, even to that day, none of them, apart from her grandma and Sarah, had called or even texted her to ask if she had arrived safely to San Jose, but it wasn't surprising coming from them, though, it hurt a lot coming from Shaun, because she thought he was different.
That night she sat alone and ate some of the very nice Italian dinner she had cooked for both of them to eat the night before, but now she had to eat it on her own, and her frustration at Shaun's attitude grew. She felt alone, not only physically but emotionally, she wanted to call her friend but she knew Sarah had just gone to enjoy her honeymoon and Lea didn't want to bother her. So she was just there with some pasta in front of her and a movie playing in the background, on Shaun's tv…