Hey there! This was one of those times where what I wrote got too long but I didn't want to delete anything so I had to split it, haha!

I recently made a poll on Twitter, asking if I should make a playlist with the songs that have inspired several chapters of this fic, and well, the majority voted yes, so I made the playlist and, I realized fanfiction does something to the link and the web version doesn't let you copy it or the browser tells you it can load it, so you can find the playlist pinned to my Twitter ( Zos4Life) or search it on Spotify as In Her Eyes 1.

Songs number 10, 11, 12 and 13 are the ones that inspired this chapter. You can copy and paste it or you can go to Twitter and click on the link that will be in the tweet I'll pin to my profile so you can find it easily. I will also be constantly adding songs to the playlist as I write more chapters.

Thank you all for all the support! I hope you like this chapter and enjoy the playlist!

LET IT GO

It wasn't a matter of whether she really loved him or not. She did love him, but she felt unsuitable for him. He deserved to be loved, but by someone who understood his quirks better than her.

For her, it was one thing to navigate around his idiosyncrasies as a friend and roomie, but as a girlfriend, she didn't think she had what it was needed. The very cliché thing of "It's not you, it's me".

She went home and basically cried herself to sleep, asking herself, when did admitting your love for someone turn into such a heavy, hard and painful thing to do?

Lea didn't know how was she going to be able to look at Shaun again after the night before. She thought she probably had lost him as a friend, forever, and that hurt more than anything, but she still had to go to work, and not only risk facing him but Glassman, too.

The old man once told her "When he gets rejected, I'm glad it's coming from someone who cares about him" so maybe he'd understand her point of view and not judge her harshly? However, his words weren't of much help. Lea didn't really feel like she was rejecting Shaun because she cared about him; she did care about him, but thought her reasons behind rejecting him were selfish, yet something she couldn't change. In her mind, she was too selfish, needy and messy for someone like him…

At work, she just hid behind her computer and tried really hard to distract her mind with the tasks she had been assigned for the day, until Shaun texted her.

"I need you to meet me at my apartment. It's time sensitive."

—What?— She thought —At least he wants still to talk to me…— She hesitated in her seat for a moment, wondering what he could want to talk about and what she would say.

"I really need you to come, STAT" He texted again and she frowned, completely puzzled.

—What could he possibly want me there for?… You hurt him, what do you think he wants? To talk or… He wouldn't hurt himself, would he?… Crap—

She grabbed her purse and excused herself out of the clinic, then quickly headed to her car.

She knew Shaun had a tendency to fixate over things, and when they didn't go as planned, he would, in his own way, lose it. She didn't know if he would go as far as to harm himself over her rejecting having a romantic relationship with him, but she didn't know for sure, so just in case, she rushed over to their old apartment and, once again, she used her old key to enter the apartment as quick as she could, only to find him standing by the kitchen with a slight smile on his face.

"Are you okay? Y-you look okay…" She said eyeing him from head to toe with a concerned look. "God, for a minute I thought you…" She shook her head, closed her eyes and sighed.

"You thought I what?" Shaun asked, looking at her.

"Nothing… Why did you ask me to come with such urgency?"

"Because I have to get back to work before my lunch break is over"

—Seriously?…— "I was working, too, Shaun… Look, I know last night was rough but…" He cut her off by opening the pantry and she glanced at it, then back at him, puzzled.

"All the cans are disorganized, they're not in alphabetical order anymore"

—Oh dear…— She thought.

The last time (that she could remember) he had organized the food like that, was back when Dr. Han moved him to the Pathology department and didn't allow him to talk to patients, so basically, out of anxiety, he reorganized the whole pantry.

"There's more" He said and walked to the bathroom.

—Of course there's more…— She followed him and he pointed to the toilet paper.

"The toilet paper is in the wrong direction. The way you like it… " He added. "You got angry when we were roommates because I sometimes I couldn't accept your way of doing things, but I can learn to accept things I'm not comfortable with. This doesn't bother me anymore."

—Right…— She took a deep breath and looked up at him.

"Shaun…" She paused for a minute, looking fro the right words, then added "You're trying to prove to me that you're flexible and attentive to my needs by pulling me away from work with no notice, and making me drive all the way across town just so you could show me this? How does that even make sense?"

"Mmh… That's a good point. I should have waited until evening when you're done with work. We can discuss this later, I have to get back to the hospital now." He said and walked out of the bathroom.

Lea sighed and followed him again. "I'll drive you to the hospital… I have to get there myself, anyway."

"Thank you" He replied and both headed out to Lea's car, then she drove in silence, until she parked at the hospital.

"Do you remember when I told you we shouldn't live together because it could be taken as a signal that you and I would end up together as boyfriend and girlfriend at some point?"

"Yes" Shaun replied almost instantly.

"I also told you that's not going to happen"

"Yes. And I told you feelings can change and you can't predict the future. I was right. You said you didn't want your feelings to change and they did"

—And I kinda hate it when you're right…— "My…" She sighed "My feelings never changed…" She admitted and swallowed hard, staring at the steering wheel in front of her. Shaun looked at her but she didn't feel capable of facing him, then added "To be honest, with you and myself… I've always loved you… But I still think we shouldn't be together. Trust me, we're better off like this…whatever this is." She finally looked at him but Shaun looked away, apparently thinking about what she just said.

"I have to go now" He said after a minute, opened the door and got out of the car.

Lea watched him then closed her eyes and sighed in frustration. She then got out of the car, too, and headed back to work, hoping Shaun would get to his senses, understand the situation and hopefully, MAYBE, they could still be friends; that last part seemed hard to achieve, though, and she had no idea the whole thing had turned into a fixation for him nor where it would end up, just because apparently she wasn't clear enough with her words.

That evening, when Lea was done with work, she headed out of the hospital to get to her car but Shaun was standing by it, waiting for her. She looked at him and took a deep breath before continuing walking towards the Striped Tomato.

"We should go on a date. A real date" He said.

"Shaun…" She said shaking her head slightly but he interrupted her.

"You said you think we shouldn't be together as boyfriend and girlfriend. I can make you change your mind. I already showed you I can be attentive to your needs, I waited until you finished work for us to talk. I showed you I can accept the way you do things, too…"

She cut him off "Stop… When I told you I have needs, I didn't mean the way I hang the toilet paper or how I don't have any kind of order in my pantry. Those are not my needs, Shaun, it's just the way I am. I don't give a crap whether they're done one way or another, but you do! Back then when I got mad and lashed out on you, it was because your constant reminders of what I was doing wrong reminded me of my time with Ben, and because I don't like being told what to do. I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at everything, but I took it out on you and I apologized, because it was wrong… And having you wait until I finish work, to talk, is also not on the list of my needs eith…"

"The what is?" He interrupted her again, then both got startled as the sky began to rumble with thunder, and it started raining. Both looked up at the sky then back at each other, and he added "How can I know what your needs are if you don't tell me? You need to give me a chance. I'm good at solving problems, I can figure this out, too, but you need to let me try…"

"No, Shaun, I don't. I'm not a problem you need to solve. You're not listening to me! This is a good example of one of reasons why we shouldn't be together…" She started raising her voice and so did he to talk over her, not only so they could hear each other as it rained, but because both were becoming frustrated and exasperated.

"I love you, and you said you love me, too, you've always loved me, but you don't want to be my girlfriend…"

—What do I have to do or say for you to understand that you're better off…— Lea thought as he continued talking.

"…that makes no sense, but I can fix it!"

—Please, don't make me say it…—

"You just need to let me try and I promise I'll fix…"

"You can't fix being autistic, Shaun!" She shouted, startling him again and cutting him off in the driest, most direct way possible. "You are who you are, and you're perfectly fine that way, so am I, but the two of us as a couple, will never work, okay?"

He stared at the space between them for moment, in shock, his body shaking and his eyes getting teary, as rain poured over him and Lea, then he just turned around and walked away, defeated.

Lea, who unconsciously had been holding her breath since her outburst, finally let the air out of her lungs, her breathing became heavy and her eyes also filled with tears as she watched him go, knowing she just shattered his heart.

—I'm sorry…—

She just didn't feel ready or suited for the kind of commitment being in a relationship with him required. Maybe their love had come at bad timing, maybe it was never meant to be, maybe she was being too picky, or maybe she just didn't want to be with anyone. Maybe she didn't feel worthy of a love like the one Shaun had to offer, maybe he indeed deserved better… The only thing for certain was that loving each other was something else, it was somehow different and beautiful but also hard for assorted reasons.

A few days passed and she had not heard from Shaun at all, she had not seen him around at work and thought he was probably avoiding her, which was understandable. She didn't want to look at herself either, after what had happened, because she had done what she had avoided for over a year, hurt him again, but she thought there had been no other way to make him understand but to be very direct and honest with him.

At work, Glassman and her would avoid looking at each other; she couldn't bear looking him in the eye because she felt too ashamed, so they kept things strictly professional, talking only when it was really necessary, but Lea avoided it as much as possible. Every time she was sent to tell him something, she would ask someone else from IT to do it, and would only do it herself when no one else was available.

Shaun wasn't only avoiding her, per se, he had actually been avoiding work and anyone else for days, sunk in depression at home, then, when he reluctantly got back to work, nothing seemed to matter to him, he was being pessimistic and a jerk to his co-workers and even their patient. The events of the previous days were slowly leading him to a meltdown, but nobody really saw it coming.

Drunk and full of too many emotions that he couldn't even begin to comprehend or process, Shaun went to Lea's place and stood in the parking area, contemplating her car. The guy from apartment 4 arrived, became aware of the doctor's presence, parked his car and stared at Shaun for a moment, then sent a message on the group chat that all the neighbors were in.

"Anyone knows who the guy at the parking lot is? He's standing by the red car from apt. 7…" Sent the guy, then got out of his car and headed to his own apartment.

Just out of the shower and drying her hair, Lea reached for her phone as it vibrated on the bedside table, she sat on the bed and read the messages from the concerned neighbors.

"I saw him when he arrived, he's been there for a like a good 15 mins" One neighbor mentioned.

"I don't know who he is, should we call the police?" Said another.

"I think I've seen him before, one time. Maybe the girl from 7 knows him. What's her name?" Asked yet another neighbor.

"Not sure…" Said the guy from apartment 4

"Hey's it's me, Lea, from apt. 7. I'll go check. Thank you all for the heads up" She replied, pushed her phone into the pocket of her pajama pants, pulled on a light robe and grabbed her can of pepper spray, just in case, then headed out to the parking lot where her car was parked. And there was Shaun, still standing in the cold, next to her car, just staring at it.

"Shaun?… What are you doing here?" She asked as she approached him, the realized he was holding a baseball bat.

"I'm ending this relationship on MY terms" He said slurring some words.

Lea frowned in confusion and shivered as she felt a chill run down her spine while staring at the bat. —What's he gonna do with that?… Is he drunk?—

"I want to smash your car up" He added and Lea swallowed, worrying.

"That's… not a good idea, Shaun… You're drunk and you…"

"No" He interrupted and pointed at her with the bat which made Lea's heart race and her body shuddered again, then he added. "You… I want to hurt you the way you hurt me"

—Maybe we should call the police…— Her inner self said in Lea's mind.

"Look, Shaun, I'm sorry, okay? But this is wrong"

He shook his head, turned around and lifted the bat over his shoulder to hit the car. Lea's eyes widened and she held her breath as he finally swung the bat but changed his mind, so instead of hitting the car, he hit the floor, making Lea jump backward slightly as she breathed again, heavily. Meanwhile, a nosy neighbor, who had been watching everything from her window, was already calling the police.

Also breathing heavy, Shaun dropped the bat on the floor and looked at her.

"I can't!… I can't… But I'm still controlling what I do with my feelings" He said, repeating what someone had told him that day at the hospital during an incident.

—What does that mean?—

"Shaun, I…"

"I'm talking… You've said enough…" He said, still slurring words. "All this time, you acted like you cared about me, but you don't even respect me…"

—That's not true, please don't do this…— She thought, staring at him, and he continued lashing out.

"You're flaky…" He sniffled. "And you can't keep a boyfriend… And you can't keep a job…" He said, panting and moving closer to her, but Lea instinctively stepped back some, and both their eyes began to tear up as he added "And no one likes you…" His rage and pain took over.

—Please stop…— She thought as a tear ran down her cheek. Her heart felt like it was going to come out of her chest, her stomach felt like it was being scrunched and twisted, and her lungs held air in again.

"And you're going to end up alone, and you deserve it! Because you're a superficial, selfish and prejudice person!" He yelled at her finishing his speech then walked away leaving her in the parking lot.

—Breathe…— She told herself in and started breathing again, but with some difficulty as her emotions were fighting their way out, but she just stood there in shock with her body shaking, not only from the cold weather but from the fear and pain she was feeling.

—I should have known… I should have seen this coming— She thought, and it was sort of true.

She had seen Shaun through meltdowns before and had somehow been there to witness the stages he goes through until something triggers him to finally snap.

He always gets fixated when he wants something so he gets it one way or another. His perseverance was something to envy and admire sometimes, but sometimes it wasn't, because when things don't go his way, he gets anxious, obsessive, and well, apparently somewhat violent too.

—He can't easily let go of things and has issues dealing with rejection…—

It happened when the old chief of surgery, Dr. Han, moved him to Pathology; Shaun snapped and Han fired him, then he went to a bar and got beaten by a drunk.

—And now this... —

But the last time someone (in this case it had been Glassman) tried to get him to get counseling, he refused, got anxious and snapped, too, yelling to his mentor and hitting him, then ran away with her on a road trip she persuaded him to make.

—I told him he didn't have to go to therapy if he didn't want to... —

And there was also that time she didn't know about yet. Before the day they admitted their love for each other, he was in jail for a few hours because he lost his cool when a patient's son wouldn't give him permission to do an autopsy on his mother, then the guy got a restraining order against Shaun, but nobody apart from Dr. Park and Dr. Glassman, knew.

—

A couple minutes after Shaun left, the police arrived. The red and blue lights pulled Lea out of her thoughts and a cop got out of the car, approaching her.

—Crap…— Lea thought and quickly wiped her tears away.

"Ma'am? Are you okay?" Asked the tall policeman.

"Y-yes, I'm fine" She looked at him with a small fake smile and nodded.

"Are you sure? We got a call from a concerned citizen saying there was an altercation between a young man and a lady. We also got told the man had a baseball bat and threatened to hit the other person or some car… Do you live here? Is this your car?"

"Y-yes, in apartment 7, and yes, that's my car… It - it was a misunderstanding…" Lea answered trembling and kinda hugged herself as her body became more aware of the cold weather.

The police man signaled his partner and she brought a spare jacket, then they wrapped it around Lea.

"Thank you, but I'm fine, I swear…" Lea added "He just… It's okay…" She shook her head not really knowing what to say.

"Ma'am, someone coming to your place and threatening to hit you or your property with a bat or anything else, is not okay. There's no excuse… I assume you know who the man is?" Lea nodded. "Would you like to press any charges against him or a restraining order or something?"

"No" Lea replied right away and shook her head again. "Look, I know it was wrong, and I'm sorry we altered the order or whatever, but I'm fine. He's gone now, and I don't think he'll come back. I appreciate my neighbors' concern, because I probably would have called the police too if I had seen whatever they saw, but thankfully nothing got out of hand. He wouldn't do it, he wouldn't harm anyone"

—He wouldn't… right?—

"All right… Will you get back to your apartment now? Do you need anything?"

"I will" Lea nodded "Thanks for coming, but I'm pretty sure there's actual emergencies out there that you need to get to. I don't need help"

The cops nodded "We'll be around the area, passing through here every now and then, in case he decides to come back, okay?"

Lea nodded and pulled off the jacket they had borrowed her, then she handed it back to them.

"You can keep it" Said the policewoman.

"No, someone out there might actually need it"

The policewoman nodded with a soft smile and took the jacket. "Take care, all right?"

"I will, thank you so much" Lea said then headed back to her apartment, watched by the cops.

Got inside her apartment, closed the door, then also closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and not long after, the policeman picked the baseball bat Shaun had left on the floor, then they left and Lea sank on her sofa to cry.

The whole situation had hit her on another level, because it had been too personal. The things Shaun said were things she always knew or thought of herself. They were things her own parents thought of her. Things her ex had told her years ago, maybe not in those exact words but similar. However, even if she had slowly been working on said things, she never expected Shaun, of all people, to be the one pushing her back into the hole she had been climbing out of.

She knew she had hurt him, but never thought he would lash out on her like that just because she said no to entering a romantic relationship with him. His anger and disappointment were understandable because he was heartbroken, but his attitude scared her, and more than anything, it worried her and made her question the situation. What did it mean for them? Could they still be friends after what happened?

—Who would want to remain friends with the person who broke their heart, Lea?…— She scolded herself. —And who am I kidding? Things will never be the same again…—

"I'm ending this relationship on my terms" Was that it? Was that really the end of their friendship? If so, should she quit her job at the hospital and disappear from his life to make it easier for him to get over the whole thing? He most likely wouldn't want anything to do with her anymore but, did she want anything to do with him? What was she supposed to do, just go to work and go on with her life as if nothing had happened?

—Maybe it's time for us both to let go…—

Work was a 5-6 day a week mandatory thing for her, but she didn't have neither the mood or the energy to deal with her boss at the IT department nor with Glassman, and specially not to maybe bump into Shaun somewhere at the hospital. They both needed time to process everything and heal, and she wasn't going to just quit her job, at least not yet; truth was, she didn't know yet and still had to figure it out, but needed to get away, at least for a bit. So on impulse, she texted her friend, packed a few things in a duffle bag, bough a plane ticket online and the next morning she took a taxi to the hospital.

She walked straight to Glassman's office and walked in pretty much unannounced, holding her bag, wearing very casual clothes and sunglasses, because her eyes were puffy from crying the night before. The doctor looked at her expectantly and puzzled.

"I'm supposed to have Saturday and Sunday off this week, but I came to tell you that I'm also taking today"

Glassman raised a brow "And when did you became your own boss?"

Lea sighed "I figured you'd understand given last night's events"

"It's not my problem if you decide to be irresponsible and go drinking on a weekday and then you can't handle work next day because you got wasted. Get to work, Lea."

Frowning slightly, Lea stared at him for a moment "You don't know, do you?"

"Know what?" The doctor asked exasperated.

Lea scoffed "He hasn't told you…" She shook her head arching her brows up, a bit surprised, then added "I didn't go drinking last night… You should ask Shaun what happened, you may wanna chat about it with him. My neighbors called the police…"

The doctor frowned confused and Lea looked at her wrist watch and muttered "I'm gonna miss my flight…" then turned around and left the Glassman's office.

—The police?— Thought Glassman, and the next thing he did was to text Shaun "Meet me in my office when you have some free time, we need to talk."