Absently, Kushina brushes Kakashi's bangs from his eyes. When he's still like this in a bleach-white hospital bed he looks little. Even younger than his age. She swallows, thinking of the last time she came to see Kakashi in the hospital. It was after Rin's death.
He'd looked about the same as he did then. Exhausted. Bruised. One kick away from shattering.
A soft knock resounds from the door of his room. Kushina and Gai both look up just in time to see Tsunade poke her head in. Kushina gets to her feet and starts towards the door. She pauses at the foot of the bed to look at Gai.
"I'll be back in a minute, okay?" she says to the teenager.
He gives a tight nod before he returns his attention to Kakashi. He cradles one of Kakashi's hands like it's a bird with a broken wing. She feels more than a little bad for this teenager. He calls Kakashi his rival but she's pretty sure it's a euphemism for "crush" or perhaps "unrequited love". It must hurt his soul to see Kakashi like this.
It used to hurt hers when Minato ended up in the hospital.
Once out in the hallway with Tsunade, Kushina all but closes the door to Kakashi's room. Just in case. If he wakes up they're going to want to know immediately. There's a nonzero chance Kakashi will leap into action and pull some of his fresh stitches or hurt himself in a new, awful way.
She leans partially against the wall in front of the door. "Is he going to be okay?" Kushina asks the blonde kunoichi in front of her.
She nods. "With some rest."
Kushina can't help but pull a face. Rest. Yeah right. Kakashi will do that when he's dead.
"Are you planning to keep him here then?" she presses. "He won't if he's not forced to, you know."
Tsunade exhales and rolls her eyes towards the ceiling. "I do," she replies. "I can't."
She frowns. "What?" she sputters. "C'mon there's got to be something—"
"—There isn't," breaks in Kushina with a sharp look. "He's an adult by law and can insist on being discharged even if it's a bad idea."
Kushina brings her thumb to her mouth and bites the tip of her nail for a moment. When she pulls it back, she turns a searching look on the older kunoichi and admits, "I'm worried about him."
Tsunade's eyes flicker to the door. "You're not the only one."
She leans closer and confides in the other kunoichi, "Gai thinks being in the ANBU is breaking Kakashi."
"I don't disagree with him," the blonde says. Her shoulders fall slightly and she looks away. "His place in it is not up to me, however."
Kushina frowns. She believes Tsunade. At the same time, is taken with a feeling of incredulity. Tsunade is a student of the Sandaime. A renowned medic-nin. Her opinion has to have some weight on things. Especially in regards to other shinobi.
"Surely you've talked to the Sandaime?" she presses.
Tsunade shifts a bit. "Honestly I avoid him as much as I can," she confesses and Kushina gapes. "The only reason I'm still in Konoha right now is you."
She blinks a few times. Kushina knows she was pretty messed up after the Attack. The fact she is alive rests solely on the shoulders of Tsunade's hard work and genius. Every day, thanks to her, Kushina grows stronger. They have every reason to believe she will someday soon be almost as powerful as she once was.
None of that helps her to parse out why the older kunoichi is avoiding her teacher. "I don't understand," she replies, plaintive.
Tsunade's features turn reflective. "Namikaze was a Godsend in some ways," she begins. Voice gentling, tells Kushina, "I mourn for him. For you, your son. Even Jiraiya. From the little I knew him it was clear he was a caring man. He'd have done great things for Konoha no doubt." She sighs; it is a long and weary sound. "But he's gone now and Sensei is older than he's ever been. He is not happy to be wearing the hat again."
Kushina thinks she gets it now.
"He wants you to become Hokage?" she asks to be sure.
"Not immediately," answers Tsunade. "Soon, though, yes."
"You don't want it," Kushina states after a careful study of Tsunade's blank face and her fingers creating ripples in the sleeves of her green haori.
She grimaces. "No but I'm not sure there's going to be much of a choice in the matter," she admits. Tsunade's eyes slide back towards the cracked door of Kakashi's hospital room. "Because the next best candidate is…"
Kushina takes a step back in her astonishment. No. The older kunoichi can't be implying—
"Are you serious right now?" she hisses as horror and fury flood through her. Balling her hands into fists, she looks through the part between the door and its frame and sees one of Kakashi's pale, bandaged hands. It lays limp at his side; not so much as twitching at the rising and falling sounds of her and Tsunade's conversation. "He isn't even fifteen!" she snarls.
The blonde looks down at Kushina with impassive brown eyes. Kushina strengthens the curl of her lips to make her sneer more pronounced and lets Tsunade know how wholly unimpressed she is with what she's suggesting. Kakashi might be an adult by law but he's young.
So, so young.
He isn't even yet the age Minato was when he became a teacher to Kakashi. Minato had been a mature kid. More responsible than many of their peers. No one even thought twice when handing him a student at sixteen. Yet even he had struggled with being a teacher to Kakashi. It had been a lot of pressure. Sometimes it was too much and he needed Kushina to hold him after a long day.
She doesn't want to see what knowing a whole village's worth of people are relying on him will do to Kakashi.
Tsunade purses her pink lips and tells Kushina, "Why are you surprised? Eyes were on his father before that mission and even more have been following Kakashi since he graduated from the Academy at five. Kakashi is terribly young but extremely capable." The blonde's expression wavers and Kushina sees what she thinks (hopes) is a flash of concern. "The only problem is…"
"He wants to die," says Kushina without hesitancy. It's the truth. Kakashi is running himself into the ground with hopes it'll lead to an early demise.
Tsunade closes her eyes. "He does," she agrees.
Kushina lowers her gaze to her fists. "Shouldn't that be even more reason to dismiss him from the ANBU?" she asks.
Surely if the Sandaime wants to put the hat on Kakashi's head next he wants the kid to stay safe(r)? He won't if he's suicidal and taking some of the most dangerous missions that can be thrown at a shinobi. There's a damn good chance at the rate Kakashi is going he will be dead before he's twenty.
"Maybe," replies Tsunade. She presses a fist to her lips for a moment. When she pulls it away, she explains, "I can understand why Hiruzen-Sensei doesn't." Tsunade meets her gaze. There's a pained pull at the corners as she considers Kushina. At last, she murmurs, "It's a harsh truth but we are tools of our village first and Kakashi is a vital one. You won't like this, Kushina, but Kakashi is doing so much good right now.
"We aren't at full strength and if he's willing to do the work… Sensei can't ignore that. Maybe in time once we've recovered he can retire Kakashi from his role but until then? Konoha, its thousands of villagers, well-being tops that of one boy who's pledged himself to protect our home. Even if the said boy has the potential to be our next Hokage."
She feels like she's been punched. The worst part is Tsunade isn't wrong. Kakashi is absolutely one of the best shinobi in their village. The ANBU might not be good for him but it's good for their village. "I don't like it, you're right," she replies.
Tsunade pats her shoulder. "You're doing a good thing," she assures her. "He needs someone looking out for him." The other kunoichi grimaces. "Maybe he'll live up to Hiruzen-Sensei's dreams for him."
"Not if he doesn't let me in, he won't," she bites, angry. At who, Kushina isn't sure. Perhaps everyone a little bit. Even Minato. Why did he have to sacrifice himself as he did? Why couldn't it have been her instead?
She wouldn't have minded. Not truly. Kushina knows what her value is and it's at least a score less than Minato's was. If it had been her who died all those months ago…
She suspects many people, many things, would be better off than they are now. She ducks her head and fights hard against the tears building behind her eyes. Like Kakashi. Kushina is interrupted from her pity party by Tsunade.
"Hey," she murmurs, kind. Brown eyes warm, she says, "If there's anyone who can reach that kid in there, it's you, okay?" Tsunade smirks. "We're not friends, but I like to think I know you after eight months of overseeing your treatment. You're a stubborn bitch who doesn't give up. Kakashi isn't going to stand a chance if you're honestly committed to helping him."
Kushina swipes a hand over her eyes. She didn't know she needed a pep talk but she's happy Tsunade gave her one. She doesn't feel so hopeless anymore.
"Ah, Lady Tsunade? Kushina?" calls Gai as he opens the door to Kakashi's room fully. "Kakashi is awake."
Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!