Chapter 133: Abuela's Kisses
A parody of the episode-Grandma's Kisses
It's morning time in Great Lakes City. At the Casagrande's apartment, Carl is awoken to a sweet amora.
Carl: I know that smell.
The scent forms a hand and drags the boy out of his room.
Carl: Abuela's making her homemade churro cookies. That means she'll make me eat the cookie eating hat, followed by story time.
Sure enough, in the kitchen his grandma was making her churro cookies. Ronnie Anne and C.J were already seated. Carl comes in.
Rosa: Carl, you're just in time for my churro cookies. Have a seat and have some cookies. [gives him a plate of cookies]
Carl: Abuelo, I don't know anyone else who lets their grandkids have cookies for breakfast.
Ronnie Anne: Yeah, this is pretty cool of you.
CJ: You make the best cookies ever!
Carl: [grabs a cookie and dips it in a glass of milk] Oh yeah... [eats it. His eyes turn into cookies] Abuela's cookies…
Rosa: Don't forget your cookie eating hat, Carl. [puts a red hat with springs attached to yellow smiley faces on top of Carl's head]
Ronnie Anne and CJ snicker a little at Carl.
Carl: What?
Ronnie Anne: Oh nothing.
Rosa: Now, who wants to lick the spoon? [Carl raises his hand]
Carl: Me, me, me!
Cut to Rosa telling Carl a story while he licks the spoon.
Rosa: ...and that's how your abuelo got rid of all those gatos while we drove all the way home.
Carl: Tell me another story about when I was a bambino. [spanish cuckoo clock strikes eight thirty. Carl gasps] Eight thirty? It's almost time for school!
Rosa: Hop in my car, I'll drop you kids off. [cut to abuela driving up to Cesar Chavez Academy]
Ronnie Anne: Thanks, abuela! [hops out of the car]
Carl: Yeah, thanks abuela! [hops out of the car]
Rosa: Carl, you forgot your kissy-kissy!
Carl turns around and heads back to Abuela. Other students are watching from the window.
Carl: I sure did. [Rosa gives him a kiss, leaving a pink print on his forehead of her lips] Bye, abuela, thanks for the ride.
Ronnie Anne: Getting a little greedy with the kisses, aren't you?
Carl: What are you talking about?
Ronnie Anne: Come on, don't you think abuela has been treating you like a baby lately? The cooking eating hat, the spoon licking, and now kisses on the forehead?
Carl: It's not like that. I just got good charms.
Ronnie Anne: Yeah, sure. I'm just saying you should act more grown up.
Carl: Oh, what's gonna happen?
Carl and Ronnie Anne walk to the entrance and a boy opens the door for them.
Carl: Thank you. [walks inside while whistling to some laughing from everyone] Isn't this great? Everybody's in a good mood today.
Boy student: I have to burst your bubble, kid, but they're laughing at you, not with you.
Carl: Did I do something funny?
Boy student: Your forehead. [points to the kiss]
Carl: My forehead is funny?
Becky: Hey, hey, Grandma's boy? Kissy-kissy-kissy!
Everyone laughs.
Carl: No, you're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your abuela.
Becky: No, especially if you're a big baby who wears diapers! [everyone laughs] And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and, um... [soon, everyone stops laughing] ...wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... blanky around, and…
Students: All right already!
Boy student: Cheer up, kid. I know someone who still likes you.
Carl: Really? You do?
Boy student: Yeah, your grandma!
Everyone laughs.
Ronnie Anne: [angry] Hey, knock it off!
Carl tries getting the kiss off with his hand and a mop but nothing seems to work. Everyone is still laughing at him.
All: [laughing at Carl]
Carl: [yelling] Stop it! [everyone stops] I have been publicly humiliated for the last time! [runs out of the school crying]
Ronnie Anne: Carl, wait! [glares at the students] Are you proud of yourselves?!
Becky: What? It's not our fault he's such a big baby! [everyone except Ronnie Anne laughs]
Soon, Carl is at the bodega with Bobby.
Bobby: I'm sorry that happened to you, Carl.
Carl: Me, too.
Bobby: You're like the most adult-like kid I know.
Carl: Thanks, Bobby.
Bobby: You know how abuelas are, they love babies. You just can't act like a baby around her.
Carl: You're right, Bobby.
Bobby: Have I ever not been right? [cut to a picture of Carl on a giant red firecracker, a picture of Carl with a giant funnel in his mouth while Bobby holds a giant pumpkin, and a picture of Carl and Bobby in black speedos while a wolf whistle is heard in the background] You're growing up, Carl, and it's time you started acting like a grown up.
Carl: Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.
Bobby: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. [Carl obediently puffs out his chest] Now say, "tax exemption!"
Carl: "Tax exemption!"
Bobby: Now, you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz. [jazz music plays] ...Okay, Carl, you're ready!
Cut to the cousins walking up to their apartment door.
Bobby: This is it. What are you gonna tell Abuela?
Carl: I'm a grown up!
Bobby: No ifs, ands, or buts about it!
Carl: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!
Bobby: Then we find Sergio and tie him up.
Carl: Wait, we didn't say that.
Bobby: Oh yeah, right.
Carl: All we need now is the icing on the maturity cake. [takes out a suitcase] I've been saving these babies for months…[opens it to reveal sideburns. Both of them take a pair and put them on]
Carl and Bobby: Sideburns!
Then Ronnie Anne comes back home from school.
Ronnie Anne: Carl, there you are! Are you ok? And what's with those sideburns?
Carl: I've decided to take your advice and be more grown up so people will see I'm not a baby.
Ronnie Anne: Really? Well I'm glad to hear that.
They entered the apartment and Rosa had just got done cleaning the living room.
Rosa: Oh, hello ninos. How was school today?
Carl: Uh, not so good for me. I got made fun of because I was acting like a baby.
Rosa: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I know, a kissy-kissy from your abuela will make you feel better . [as she is about to kiss him, Carl puts on a helmet to block it]
Carl: [removes his "Kisses Not Allowed" helmet off his head] Sorry, abuela, but the kissing has to stop. It's the reason why kids teased me.
Bobby: Tell her like it is, Carl, no more baby stuff.
Carl: He is right, abuela. Kisses are for babies, which I am no longer. I have grown up. It is nature's way.
Rosa: Oh, you are absolutely right.
Carl: I am? I mean, of course I am.
Rosa: You will definitely not be treated like a baby around here ever again.
Carl: I am glad you see it my way, abuela. [puts on a hat]
Rosa: Well, I'm glad that's settled. [holds out a tray of cookies] But what am I going to do with all these fresh baked cookies?
Carl: [chuckles] Sorry, abuela, we adults don't partake in the consumption of sweets, right, Bob.. [notices Bobby isn't there] ...by? [Ronnie Anne was also gone]
Cut to Bobby and Ronnie Anne sitting at the kitchen table.
Bobby: Keep 'em coming, Granny! [scarfs down the cookies with Ronnie Anne as Carl watches this]
Carl: [peeks into the kitchen and mutters] So much for no more baby stuff.
Rosa: And don't forget the cookie-eating hat! [puts on Carl's hat from earlier on Bobby's head]
Carl: Hey, that's my cookie-eating hat! I mean it was when I was a baby. [growls in frustration and enters the kitchen]
Rosa: Well, look who's here. It's my big old adult grandson.
Carl: Abuela, I need to have a mature conversation with Mr. Santiago. [runs up to Bobby, who still eats his snack] [whispering loudly] Bobby! What are you doing?! Cookies?! Warm milk?! A bib?! [points to it, which reads "I heart Abuela"] Is that a kissy mark on your forehead?! We are supposed to be adults! [bangs on the table]
Abuela: Oh, oh, no roughhousing with a full tummy. [tickles Bobby] Who's the baby?
Bobby: I'm the baby, I'm the baby, I'm the baby! [Carl clears his throat] Being grown up is boring. I love being a baby. Besides, I don't listen to jazz that much.
Ronnie Anne: I'm actually with Bobby here.
Carl: [chuckles] Poor Bobby, poor Ronnie Anne. I almost feel sorry for you guys. [takes out a pipe and blows bubbles from it] Trapped in the awkward phase of diaper days... never to know the rich rewards of being a grownup.
Then Carlotta and CJ enter the kitchen.
Carlota: I smell cookies.
CJ: Not just any cookies. Abuela's cookies!
Rosa comes back with more cookies.
Abuela: Have a seat, kids. I just made a fresh batch of cookies.
Bobby: All right! [Bobby, CJ, Ronnie Anne and Carlota dig in] Rewards, huh?
Carl: Well, yeah, there's, eh... [sees the others eating cookies with their mouths open] well, let's see, we... [a cookie rolls over to his side] We went over the jazz... [Bobby grabs the cookie and eats it]
Bobby: Oh, Grandma, I'm full.
CJ: Me too.
Carlota: Can't eat another bite.
Ronnie Anne: [burps]
CJ: Hey Carl, why are you wearing sideburns?
Rosa: Apparently Carl is all grown up now.
Carlota: Carl, grown up? That's a laugh!
Carl: It's true. [he checks his wristwatch] And it appears to be my lunch hour. Grownups have to eat too. I guess I could have one cookie.
Rosa: Oh, you don't want that baby food. How about some steamed broccoli instead? [gives him a bowl of broccoli]
Carl: Oh yeah, uh... great. [takes a small bite of one since he doesn't really like broccoli] Nutritious.
Rosa: Storytime! [the other kids runs to abuela]
Bobby: Oh, boy!
Bobby, Ronnie Anne, CJ, and Carlota: Storytime, storytime, storytime!
Carl: Storytime?
Bobby is sitting on Abuela's lap, ready to hear a story.
Rosa: You kids will enjoy this. It's a wonderful story about a magical Mexican fairy. [Carl walks in] Oh, Carl, you wouldn't be interested in this baby book. [drops a giant book on the floor] Here's the technical manual on routine active maintenance.
Carl: Oh, uh... great. Yeah. [opens the book] Fascinating. No pictures, just the way I like it.
While Bobby is eating a cookie, he bites his finger leaving a big red bruise.
Bobby: [acting like a 2-year old] D'oh! My wittle finger! [cries]
Rosa: Hold still, hold still. [kisses his finger] All better?
Bobby: [talking normally] Sorta...[holds up his other finger] this finger hurts a little bit too.
Carl is angry at what he sees then covers himself with the book he was reading.
Rosa: You know, you've all been such great grandchildren and I thought I'd give each of you a present.
Carl then uncovers himself and sees his siblings and cousins with a present.
Bobby, Ronnie Anne, Carlota, and CJ: Presents!
They open up their box, then Bobby's box cover lands on Carl's head to find a sweater. Turns out all four of them got a sweater.
Carlota: Alright! A sweater!
Carl: [removes the box cover from his head] Huh?
Rosa: With love in every stitch.
Carl: No... [imagines himself in the sweater. The sweater tears in half] Don't I get a present, Abuela?
Rosa: Oh, I almost forgot. [hands him some office supplies] Here's some office supplies. I didn't wrap them. I knew you wouldn't mind.
Then Carl's watch beeps and it says "work time".
Carl: Uh oh, it's work time, time for me to start my money making business.
Rosa: Oh, that's great. Bye bye, Carl.
The other kids have their sweaters on.
Rosa: I'll bet you ninos fancy a nap. [Bobby yawns] You still here, Carl?
Carl: Uh, I don't need to leave yet. I can be late for work.
Rosa: [puts a blanket over CJ as he lays on the couch] No, no, no, that wouldn't be the adult thing to do.
Carl: Alright, I guess I'll be going. I've, uh, got a lot of adult-type business to take care of, so, uh, I'll see ya later.
Rosa: Okay, thanks for stopping by, Carl.
Carl: Yep, that is it. Here I go.
Rosa: Come again if you get the chance.
Carl: [opens the door] Out into the cold, grown-up world alone without a sweater.
Rosa: Adios.
Carl: I don't know when I'll be back.
Rosa: I know how busy you are.
Carl: So, uh... that's it. [the kids are sleeping]
Rosa: Shh, they're asleep.
Carl: [slowly closes the door] Soooo loooong...[closes it but then slams it open, causing the other kids to wake up. He has sad eyes and gets irritated. His sideburns fall off of his head and then the young Mexican boy starts throwing a big tantrum] I don't wanna grow up! [holds up a giant churro cookie and snaps it in half in front of his face] I want cookies! [holds up a giant baby bottle with milk inside] And milky! [wears a sweater] I want a sweater with love in the stitches! [runs around wearing a diaper with a blue pin on it as he's putting baby powder in it] I wanna wear didies! [rides in a wagon] I wanna ride in my wagon! [holds his giant teddy bear] I wanna cuddle-wuddle with Mr. Abrazo Bear! [rides his old rocking donkey with a sombrero on and a lollipop] I wanna rocky-rock on my donkey! [holds up his bruised finger] And I want a kissy-kissy on my boo-boo! [crying and falling to the floor, slamming his fists on the floor. Rosa is shocked and sad for him. Ronnie Anne looks a bit guilty.
Ronnie Anne: Abuela, this is kinda my fault.
Rosa: What do you mean, Ronnie Anne?
Ronnie Anne: Earlier today, I told him you were treating him like a baby. But now he needs you more than ever. Go to him, abuela.
Now Carl has tears streaming out of his eyes. His abuela thinks for a second. Carl continues crying hysterically as he ratchets like a lawn sprinkler, oih-oihing and almost spinning around and sprays tears everywhere. He spins even faster and floods the whole house.
Carlota: Wow. And I thought mom cried a lot.
Rosa: Take it easy, Carl. [picks up the still-crying kid] Carl. Carl! [Carl continues sobbing until his grandma stops him by holding his lips] You don't have to be a baby to get ol' Abuela's love.
Carl: [sniffles as he starts to feel a bit better] I don't?
Rosa: Of course not. [pulls the plug under the tear flood to drain it] No matter how grown-up you get, you'll always be my little baby Carlino. [she tickles Carl, then kisses his forehead] And remember, you can kiss your abuela and still be an adult. That goes the same for you ninos too. [Bobby, Ronnie Anne, Carlota and CJ smile, the. abuela hands Carl his sideburns and a chocolate chip cookie] Here you go.
Carl puts on his sideburns and eats the cookie.
Carl: Thanks, abuela. [bites the cookie] Uh, abuela, could you not mention this to the guys over at school?
Rosa: No problem. [hugs abuela]
Outside, the kids from school are laughing. However, Ronnie Anne notices them and is already outside.
Ronnie Anne: Hey!
The other kids gasp when they see her.
Ronnie Anne: Leave my cousin alone or I'll tell the principal you've been picking on him. Maybe you'd like a week of detention. [The kids look worried]
Becky: Alright, fine.
They leave. The Mexican girl smiles at her cousin who is taking a nap as Abuela puts a blanket over him.
Ronnie Anne: Granny's boy.