Ch 136: Ain't No Girl
This is a parody of the episode: That's No Lady
On an early morning at the McBride house, Clyde comes out to get the mail.
Man: Hey! [Clyde stops and looks around] Hey, you there!
Clyde: Who? Me?
Man: Yes, you! [screams in Clyde's face] Get outta town!
Clyde screams and runs away. The man scratches his head in confusion, then shrugs his shoulders. He turns to another guy who walks by.
Man: Get outta town! And take a vacation to the beautiful Sunny Seashores Resort. [hands the guy a flier. Another guy walks up] Here ya go, sir. [hands him a flier. The guy reads it.]
Cut to Clyde running up to Lincoln's house and opening the door.
Clyde: I gotta get outta town! [Lincoln hands Clyde a glass of lemonade from the tray he was holding] Oh, thanks, Lincoln.
Lincoln: Sure, Clyde, ya... [Clyde screams and looks through the blinds on the window]
Clyde: I gotta get going! He told me to!
Lincoln: Who did?
Clyde: Uhh, well, uhh... hmmm, I'm not sure. But he had a briefcase.
Lincoln: A briefcase? Maybe he was just a businessman.
Clyde: No! He yelled in my face and told me to get out of town! He might be a paid assassin!
Lincoln: An assassin?! [both start to cry] But, Clyde, you can't go! Not like this! Who will go with me to the next gamer's expo?! [shows a picture of the two at one of the exposes]
Clyde: It'll have to be one of your other chums 'cause my mind is set. [sobbing]
Lincoln: Unset it, please unset it! [they bawl and wail. Clyde walks over to the kitchen counter and sets a suitcase on it to start packing]
Clyde: I guess I'll pack up my stuff and get ready to go. [puts two pairs of Lincoln's polos into the suitcase] My clothes.
Lincoln: Umm, Clyde, those are my clothes.
Clyde: [packs up a bunch of peanut butter] My peanut butter!
Lincoln: That's my peanut butter.
Clyde: And my pickles! [stuffs a bunch of pickles into the suitcase and closes it, then falls on top of it sobbing]
Lincoln: I can't believe you're leaving, Clyde. [cries] With all my pickles!
Clyde: [heading for the door with the suitcase] It's the end of me being here.
Lincoln: Wait! Stop! What about all our plans? [pulls out a list] 8:00am - Visit Clyde, 9:00am - Eat Zombie Bran with Clyde, 10:00am- go outside with Clyde, 1:00pm-make plans with Clyde. Who's gonna do all that with me?
Clyde: I'm sorry, there's no stopping the unstoppable. Clyde McBride will live no more, forever... in Royal Woods.
Lincoln: [gets an idea] But... what if you weren't Clyde McBride?
Clyde: What do you mean?
Lincoln: I've got an idea.
Cut to Lincoln putting a visor over Clyde's eyes and a mustache on his face.
Lincoln: There ya go, Clyde. No one will know it's you. [he shows Clyde a reflection of himself in a mirror]
Clyde: Are you kidding me? This will never work. Plus I can't see too well in these shades. [trips over a stool and falls]
Lincoln: You ok, man? [he helps his friend up]
Clyde: Yeah, I'm fine.
Luna: [walks past] Hey guys! Yo, Clyde, cool shades.
Lincoln: Well, Clyde, that disguise didn't work. We're gonna have to try harder.
Clyde: [takes off the visor] Yeah, well, thanks ol' buddy for your help. It was a noble effort but alas, all in vain, it's no use. I must leave. But I'm gonna miss this place the most. [holds out his arms and runs past his white haired friend, who had his arms out to hug him, to hug the couch in the living room] Goodbye couch. Goodbye Cliff. [hugs Cliff, but he claws at him] Ow! [goes to Leni's mannequin which has a red wig on] Goodbye Leni's mannequin.
Lincoln: Hold on, we should at least come up with another disguise. [looks at the wig of the mannequin] Hmmm…[takes the wig off and puts it over Clyde's head] That's it. With the wig on your head, you could be a…
Clyde: Oh, I know, I know! I could be Redhead Romeo. And live happily forever after in Royal Woods.
Lincoln: Clyde, there already is a Redhead Romeo. [points out the window to show him a man with red hair walking down the neighborhood]
Redhead Romeo: Hey!
Clyde: Dang it!
Lincoln: It's ok, Clyde. So you can't be Romeo. But that wig gives me an idea of what you can be.
Leni: [comes into the living room] Oh, there's my teenage boy mannequin. [takes it, then notices Clyde with the wig] Clyde, did you dye your hair?
Lincoln facepalms.
Soon, the two boys were inside of a store. Their friends had called them to come down to Gus' Games n Grub but Lincoln made up an excuse and told them they were going on a Sunday stroll and would have to come later.
Lincoln: You're all set. Come on out, Clyde.
The bespectacled boy walks out from behind a curtain wearing a yellow-greenish dress, black dress shoes, earrings, and black bushy hair with a ponytail and a bow (basically he looks like his genderbent version from "One of those Boys" ). Cut to Lincoln and Clyde walking down the street.
Boy: Hi, Lincoln. And hello, lady. [tips his hat to Clyde]
Lincoln: The disguise is working, Clyde... I mean, Claudia. [both giggle. Luna's girlfriend, Sam, walks up to them]
Sam: Lincoln, you never told me you had a girlfriend.
Clyde: Oh, I'm not his girlfriend. I'm Cly…
Lincoln: [quickly] …Clau-dia. Her name's Claudia. [laughs]
Sam: Bro, your girlfriend is not ugly. [Clyde giggles]
Lincoln: Actually, Sam, she's not my girlfriend, she's just a…
Sam: It's cool, buddy. You don't have to explain your girlfriend to me.
Lincoln: But she's not my girlfriend.
Sam: I don't know why you're standing here talking to me when you could be talking to your girlfriend.
Lincoln: C'mon, Claudia. [grabs Clyde's hand and walks off]
Clyde: Bye.
Sam: Congratulations on the new girlfriend, dude!
Suddenly, Lincoln's phone rang. He got a call from Liam and answered it.
Liam: Hey Linc, if you and Clyde are done with your Sunday stroll, ya gotta come down to Gus'. They're giving away free tokens today!
Lincoln: We'll be there. [hangs up] Looks like we're heading over to Gus' Games n. Grub.
Clyde: Well, as Claudia this will be her first time. [falsetto voice] But it sure sounds like fun.
Lincoln: [chuckles a bit] You're really getting in character now.
Soon, the duo arrive at the arcade/pizzeria where they see Liam playing the "Whack-a-Troll" game.
Lincoln: Hey Liam.
Liam: Lincoln, you made it.
Lincoln: So where are those free tokens?
Liam: Over at the counter. You and your friend can-[sees Clyde in form by Clyde's head and the country boy forms hearts in his eyes which explode from seeing the beauty] Lincoln, who's your friend?
Lincoln: Liam, this is Claudia.
Liam: [his pupils grow back] Claudia. The most beautiful sound I've ever seen. Lincoln, do you mind if Claudia joins me?
Lincoln: Well-
Liam: You don't? Great. [to Clyde] Here, you can have my tokens. [gives Clyde his tokens]
Clyde: Oh, [falsetto voice] thanks Liam.
Then Rusty, Zach, and Stella join their friends.
Rusty: Yo L-dawg, you finally made it. [looks surprised when he sees Clyde, along with Zach, then they smile and form hearts in their eyes which explode, then their pupils grow back] And who are you, my rubenesque beauty?
Liam: That's Claudia, Lincoln's new gal pal.
Zach: Well, she sure is stunning. [Clyde is picking his nose]
Liam: [sternly to Zach and Rusty] Don't you guys have some games to play?
Stella: [realizing something about "Claudia"] Wait…isn't that-
Lincoln: [covers her mouth] Stella, can I talk to you for a moment? [drags her away] I know what you're thinking. Yes, that is Clyde dressed as a girl.
Stella: But why?
Lincoln: Apparently Clyde met someone who was trying to run him out of town so I decided to keep him incognito.
Stella: Are you sure it wasn't a misunderstanding?
Lincoln: I don't think so. Clyde was terrified.
Clyde is seen using the prize grabber machine and Rusty walks up to him.
Rusty: Hi Claudia, I got something for you. [hands him a bottle of perfume] It's Eau de Parfum. They're all the rage in France.
Clyde: Uhh, [falsetto voice] thank you, Rusty.
Then Zach comes over.
Zach: Hey Claudia, I got you a gift. [hands Clyde an alien doll] It's a cute alien plushie.
Rusty: Bro, she's not interested in your lame alien toy.
Zach: Better than your stank perfume.
Rusty: It's your gift that stinks!
Zach: Nuh uh! It's yours!
Rusty: Yours!
Zach: Yours!
Rusty: Yours!
Zach: Yours!
While the two friends argue, Clyde smells something good and drops the perfume and the alien doll, then follows the delicious smell. It turns out Liam was holding a basket full of mozzarella sticks.
Liam: Claudia, care to join me fer a snack?
Clyde: I'd love-[falsetto voice] I'd love to, Liam.
They go over to a table in the pizzeria.
Liam: Here's a nice place to sit. [spreads a table cloth, with a radio, on the table. They sit down. Liam pushes a button and some music plays] Claudia, we may have only known each other for a short time, now, but I feel like a special connection has been made. [Clyde hungrily devours the mozzarella sticks, much to the farm boy's surprise] Holy haystacks!
Clyde: [burps] [falsetto voice] Excuse me Liam, those cheese sticks made me thirsty. [goes to get a drink]
Lincoln: [comes over] She really likes mozzarella sticks, but she's all woman.
Clyde is over at the soda machine getting himself some sofa. Rusty moonwalks over to him. He scoots closer to Clyde and puts his arm around him.
Rusty: Ya know, Claudia, they don't call me the 'Smooth Move Man" for nothing. [Clyde tries to leave, but Rusty stops him] So, are you free this Saturday night?
Clyde: [falsetto voice] No, that's the night Lincoln and I have our movie night.
Rusty: Lincoln?!
Zach: Hey Rusty, I think you've got something in your teeth.
Rusty: What?! The Rust-man never gets something stuck in his teeth.
Zach: Are ya sure?
Rusty: [gasps, covers his mouth] I'll be right back. [runs off to the bathroom to check his teeth]
Zach: Well, now that we're alone, how would you like to be my date Friday night to a…
Clyde: [falsetto voice] Well, I can't. Lincoln and I will be pet sitting my cats that night.
Suddenly, Zach is lassoed by Liam and is dragged away. Liam goes up to Clyde.
Liam: Are ya free Friday night?
Clyde: [irritated, falsetto voice] No. I'm gonna go back to the arcade now. [walks off] [normal voice] Man, what is with those guys? They were never this nice to Clyde. It's weird. [goes back to the prize grabber and uses it, then he picks up Rusty who is somehow inside the machine]
Rusty: Are you sure about Saturday night? [Clyde drops him]
Clyde: Persistent bunch. [goes to play skee ball, but Liam appears and hands him a ball]
Liam: How about Sunday brunch?
Clyde: No thanks, again! [drops the ball and walks away from him. He goes over to a racing game where Zach is sitting next to him in another racing game]
Zach: Please! I made reservations for two at…
Clyde: I said no. [runs away from him. Cut to Clyde at a ball bit, where Rusty is] No. [cut to Clyde at a water squirting game and Liam appears, getting squirted] No way. [cut to him at the "Whack a Troll" game and Zach appears as a troll] No. [cut to the three lovestruck boys crowding the disguised kid] No. [scene cuts to Clyde in the woman's bathroom, where the boys are outside of it] No. [cuts to Clyde in the middle of the arcade] No! [Clyde walks outside] Why are those guys going gaga over me? [gasps as he realizes] It's because I'm a pretty girl now. That's it. I can't wear this disguise any longer.
Lincoln: [comes out] Clyde? What's wrong?
Clyde: Those guys won't leave me alone and it's because of this stupid outfit. I'm taking it off!
Lincoln: But if you reveal your secret identity, you'll have to leave Royal Woods!
Clyde: Well, I'm sorry, Lincoln. I just can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. [goes back inside to the pizzeria. All the kids that are eating look up and greet him excitedly]
Fancy Boy: The lovely Claudia [blows a kiss] has returned to us!
Claudia: [falsetto voice]I have an announcement to make. The entire day that I've been here I've wanted to say... [is struck speechless when he notices the man from the beginning, giving out flyers, has entered Gus' place] Um-um-um-uh... [the guy sits down at a table] I've wanted to say that, uhh, th-that... [nervously twirls his ponytail, presses his hands together, and scratches his head and arm] That I will eat any leftovers you leave on your plate! [smiles and walks away]
Customers: [confused] Huh?
Sunny Seashores Salesman: [to Clyde] Excuse me, young lady?
Clyde: [starts sweating, falsetto voice] I'll be right there, sir.
Lincoln: What's the matter, Clyde?
Clyde: [normal voice] That's the guy with the briefcase. The guy who's trying to run me out of town.
Lincoln: [gasps] The assassin!
Clyde: [walks up to the businessman] [falsetto voice] Y-yes, sir?
Sunny Seashores Salesman: Say, don't I know you from somewhere?
Clyde: [normal voice] No!
Sunny Seashores Salesfish: Hmmm... that's it! Get outta town!
Clyde: He's onto us.
Lincoln: [defending Clyde] I won't let you do it! You'll have to do something horrible to me before I let you throw Clyde out of town!
Rusty, Zach, and Liam: Clyde?!
Stella: [sarcastically] Wow. I had no idea.
Sunny Seashores Salesfish: You forgot your flier. [hands them one of his flyers]
Lincoln: [reading flier] "Get outta town! To beautiful Sunny Seashores Resort." Look, this guy wasn't trying to run you out of town, he just wanted to sell you a luxury vacation at a modest price.
Sunny Seashores Salesman: That's right.
Lincoln: [to the salesman] But that doesn't give you the right to scare my friend.
Sunny Seashores Salesman: You're right. [to Clyde] My apologies kid.
Clyde: Well, I guess I don't need this disguise anymore. [rips off his disguise, leaving him in his underwear. Everyone gasps while Rusty's eyes shrink in horror]
Rusty: Umm, I think I need to take a shower.
Liam: So, let me get this straight, uh, you're not a girl?
Clyde: No.
Liam: Well then, you owe me some mozzarella sticks.
Zach: And if anybody needs me, I'll be at home for, I dunno, a couple days or so.
Lincoln: Hey, buddy, what do you say we go home and get started on this list? [the two freckled friends look at list and gasp at what is on it]
Lincoln and Clyde: [running outside] Yahoo!