Chapter 93: Seemingly Unchanged

There were many tears shed during the final sharing of tongues with Bluestar. There were friends like the many queens who came to love and respect Bluestar's gentleness. There were friends like Lionheart and Whitestorm who had shared private council with her and learned of her true self outside her duties. Then there was Fireheart, the unspoken child of Bluestar. Many mentors and apprentices share something similar to a familial bond, being there as the other learns of the world, celebrating their accomplishments and consoling them on their failures. What those two had was deeper, so much so that Fireheart's grief swayed Graystripe to return to Thunderclan. Fireheart was a mess of grief, disheveled and totally unwilling to leave Bluestar's body. Myself, I was in a bit more complicated of a state.

I am someone who has near perfect control of their emotions and body. This does not mean I do not feel. Bluestar… She was something special to me. She was like a glowing peak to a skilled mountain climber. She was not my friend, mentor, or master. She was like my rival, someone who I'd always strive to surpass while harboring no animosity to her. Our bond was unique. She pushed me to become more, learn, adapt, change. Even if I hated every second she led me by the nose, I had the utmost respect for her. To see her gone… I felt robbed, robbed of the opportunity to finally surpass her, the chance to awe her as she did me, to hear her finally say she saw me as Thunderclan. I was upset, angry even, but I reined it in. The clan was unstable. Ashfur still needed to be his anchor after the loss of his mother. Fireheart needed me to be his rock so he is not swept away. The clan needs a steady to not collapse after what all happened, and I am the steady. I will suffer in silence for those that are mine.

Fireheart eventually succumbed to his exhaustion, allowing us to bury Bluestar's body. It was a silent affair. There was a cruel feeling of finality as the elders disappeared out the camp entrance with Bluestar's corpse. I do not understand these feelings I held. I wanted to run out there, somehow demand Bluestar to rise, to come back, to deny what I knew so well. I pushed it down, feeling a distinct chill run through my veins. It would not do for me to become illogical at this time.

I felt Ravenfeather's pelt press into mine. He sat with me as we watched the elders depart. On the morrow Fireheart would make his journey to the Moonstone to receive his nine lives. I felt disconnected, as if this couldn't possibly be reality. Soon enough I'd hear Bluestar call for a morning meeting. It was about time Bramblekit, Snowkit, and Tawnykit became apprentices. She'd call us all out. Bramblekit would go to Fireheart since those two are so very alike. Snowkit to Brackenfur, obviously. Bluestar herself would take on Tawnykit given how opinionated she is… Ravenfeather snapped me out of my fantasy, giving me a concerned push to see if I even was still conscious.

"You can afford to grieve you know." Ravenfeather mewed with concern. "You loved her, didn't you?"

"As an opponent, I certainly did. She was my rival, someone I wanted to surpass, to impress. I did not love her as Fireheart, Whitestorm, and the rest of the clan did. The others remember her for her wisdom, her leadership. Me, I remember how tantalizingly close she was to me. She was one of the few cats that not only understood me, but also knew how to use me, manipulate me. To a regular cat, that would be cause for hatred or anger. Me, I respected her. I enjoyed the challenge, every day seeking her approval as she led me on. I saw her as my equal, but she made me prove it time and again. This time, I don't think I can beat her." I answered, feeling my voice hitch at that last sentence. My vision started to blur, on the edge of tears, but I suppressed it forcefully. It would not do for me to cry. Silence hung in the air with only Ravenfeather's body to keep me company. It may have been summer, but I felt cold, a deep aching kind that bit at my bones and tempted relief from it all, if I were just to give in, lose myself and become who I once was. Of course, I denied the temptation, but it was a sweet siren's song that I knew would remain close by, always there for the moment I gave in.

Slowly, I broke the silence. "Who do you think could manage a sunrise patrol tomorrow?"

Ravenfeather looked at me, clearly knowing I was suppressing my grief. "You shouldn't worry about that. You just lost someone important to you. I may not fully understand the bond you shared, but I can still be here for you. I can shoulder the weight while you take your time to mourn her passing."

I almost choked up, conceding to Ravenfeather's recommendation, but I refused. "No. I do not have time to mourn. Yes, Bluestar's death has deeply affected me, but right now, the clan needs me. We're all still reeling from both her death and Brindleface's. Fireheart is going to assume leadership, but he'll need me to smooth things as he settles in. Bluestar meant more to him than she did for me. He's going to look to me to be the same as I always was. Ashfur needs me to be the voice of reason since he is still raging at the loss of his mother. Whitestorm and Lionheart just lost a dear friend who they must have thought would outlive them. All their worlds have been turned upside down. They'll be looking for the one thing that has not changed to help rebuild themselves, something familiar and trustworthy. I will set the foundation for their recovery, even if it pains me."

Ravenfeather took a moment to process my words before giving me a resolute look. "Then I want you to make me a promise. When this is all over, I want you to let it out. We'll go somewhere nice and isolated, and you can scream it out or whatever you feel you need to do. I know you Smudgefoot, so I know your mind is set. Same as to how you are their rock, I will be yours. If it ever is too much, let me know. I may not be leadership material, but I can cover for you if you need a day's break or just some time to yourself."

I sat for a while longer, staring at the camp entrance before Ravenfeather managed to drag me off to our nest. It was the end of an era. Without Bluestar's steady support to guide us, I held a certain amount of trepidation for what was to come.