so. it's been a while. don't mind me posting this thing I wrote like 10 years ago without editing it at all (i'll be real, for a 14 yr old this is pretty good)
Anti-Cosmo was dreaming very pleasant nightmares about spiders and snakes. Nobody was shaking his shoulder, and nobody was calling his name. He was in a very deep sleep that absolutely nothing could ever hope to wake him from, not ever. Anti-Wanda was definitely not trying to rouse him from this wonderful sleep, because he absolutely could not be woken.
"Cozzie! Wake up! Wake up! Up! Up! Up!"
Anti-Cosmo gave up and squinted his eyes open. Anti-Wanda's face hovered mere inches from his own. "Hmmwhaa?" He groaned, rubbing his forehead. "What is it?"
"I, er, uh," Anti-Wanda's eyes didn't meet his own, and she rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly.
"Love, please, it's late. Would you just tell me what you've done this time so I can fix it and get back to sleeping?" He didn't really mean for it to sound that snappy, but it did nonetheless, and she shrank back a bit. Anti-Cosmo sighed, sat up a bit and took her hands. "Apologies. Let me try again: What's wrong, dear?"
Anti-Wanda squirmed a bit, but squeaked out: "The kitchen."
"Alright, I'll sort it out. Are you going to stay here, or would you rather come with me?"
She took the hand he offered her. "I'll come."
Too lazy to anti-poof!, they floated down the staircase and through a few miscellaneous hallways before arriving in the kitchen. Or, well, what was left of it. A pot on what was probably once their stove had bubbled over, and a huge orange ... something was picking through their fridge.
Anti-Cosmo turned to his wife. "What, in the name of world domination, is that?" The something was large, gooey, and vaguely reminded him of a giant booger.
"I's tryin' a new recipe, an' I don't think I done it right, so's I tried to fix it with my wand, but it just ain't working." Anti-Wanda admitted, looking incredibly guilty and incredibly sweet all at once. Anti-Cosmo was disgusted by his own sentimentality that he couldn't even be the least bit angry at her.
He shook his head a bit. "How many times have I said for you to stop using magic in your cooking?"
She shrugged.
"Well, I'm saying it again. And another thing-" Neither of them ever got to find out what that thing was, because at that moment, the orange something noticed the two anti-fairies hovering in the doorway and decided that they looked like a very tasy thing to snack on. It let out a feral growl and charged with surprising speed.
Anti-Cosmo twirled his wand and shot a beam at the creature, but it just bounced off the thing's goobery exterior. "Bugger," he had time to mutter before the something launched itself right for his face.
Anti-Wanda shrieked and lept back as the monster completely swallowed up her husband. "Hey!" She yelled. "Let my Anti-Cozzie go, you big lump!"
From inside the glob, Anti-Cosmo made a noise that sounded somewhat like encouragement.
The creature turned to face her, and Anti-Wanda decided that maybe it wasn't a good idea to be screaming at crazy magic food-beast things. "Um," she said, a bit more uncertainly. "Please? It really ain't nice t' be eatin' people up without permission, y'know, an'-an' it's dis-diser'spectful, an' I ain't gonna let you do it!" She said, stomping her foot. "So you let Anti-Cosmo go right now, or else!"
There was a few tense seconds in which everybody in the kitchen just froze. Then the orange something made a low, keening noise and opened its ... mouth ... thing ... and spat an irriated Anti-Cosmo out onto the kitchen floor. "Uck," he grumbled, looking distastefully at his goo-covered hands. "Monster slime."
"Cozzie!" Anti-Wanda hugged him happily, ignoring the fact that he was almost totally covered in slime. The monster made another quiet whine. "Uh, what's we gonna do about that thing?"
Anti-Cosmo wrinkled his nose at his wand, which was even more boogered-up than the rest of him, and waved it once, definitively. "This," he said, as the monster in front of them began to shrink, smaller and smaller, until it was small enough to fit inside Anti-Wanda's palm.
With an excited squeal of "Ooooh!", Anti-Wanda picked the orange thing up and studied it. It was squishy and bounced back when she poked it. It was actually sort of cute when it wasn't trying to eat them. "Can I keep him?"
"I think it's a girl, actually, dear. But yes, sure, whatever you wish. May I go back to bed now?" Anti-Cosmo asked with a yawn.
"You's ain't mad?" Anti-Wanda asked, scratching her new pet behind what she hoped was its ears.
Anti-Cosmo rubbed his eyes. "No, not particularly. I'm just exhausted. In any event, the kitchen already needed renovating, so you've probably done us a favour by letting that thing tear it all apart."
Looking around the wreckage, Anti-Wanda supposed he had a point. "Oh." At least nothing was on fire.
One anti-poof! later, they were back upstairs. Two anti-poof!s later and they were clean of any leftover monster guck. Just as Anti-Wanda had turned the light off and pulled the comforter over herself , Anti-Cosmo spoke. "What were you doing cooking at three in the morning, anyway? If you're that hungry, you could just anti-poof! up a plate of sandwiches or something, you know."
Anti-Wanda shrugged. "I'unno. Couldn't sleep."
"Next time you get insomnia and feel the urge to express your ... culinary prowress, wake me up before it gets out of hand, would you? I really don't enjoy being slobbered upon by your cooking, despite what you may believe."
There was a quiet hmph! and a louder declaration of "Party pooper!" from Anti-Wanda's side of the bed.
Impulsively, Anti-Cosmo stuck his freezing cold feet against her legs. She shrieked and wriggled away.
"Care to repeat that?" He asked quietly, trying to sound menacing.
There was silence for a few seconds.
"Party pooper," Anti-Wanda whispered.
i think if i write anything new, it'll get posted as separate one shots. i started this when i was twelve - this fic is a museum piece to me now, and i want to let it rest peacefully as a testament to my angsty teenagerdom. this doesn't mean i'll never write anything for the pairing ever again, just means it won't be posted to this fic.
thanks everyone 3