TK tugged on the collar of his new shirt, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Not because of the material, but because of what he was about to do. It was hard enough biting his tongue and letting his dad buy him so many things. It made sense to get him clothes, so TK would be able to fit in better and they wouldn't have to worry about laundry as often, but it was still more than he'd ever had at one time. Probably more than he'd had in the last eight years combined.
If TK looked at the shopping trip objectively, it wasn't terrible. Owen didn't push for anything crazy, like name brand labels and designer suits. Everything he got was practical and he got to pick out the colors and styles he liked. But it was still too much. TK had to stop looking at the price tags soon into the trip, since they made him break out into a cold sweat. He had no idea how much someone in his dad's position made and he didn't dare look it up, just in case he was caught and made himself look like a gold digger.
"This is gonna go great," Owen said from the driver's seat of the car. They were parked outside of Judd's house, but neither of them had made moves to go in yet. Owen probably sensed TK's reluctance, but he hadn't pushed yet. He appreciated his dad's patience.
"I think Judd hates me," TK mumbled, staring down at his lap. He didn't expect everyone to roll out the red carpet for him now that he was back, but Judd was actively avoiding him. If TK was being honest, he probably missed Judd most of all over the years. They'd been so close and while adults screamed danger to him instinctively, Judd still lived in that protective big brother place in his mind. Now he was so big and different that TK didn't know what to think.
"He doesn't hate you," Owen insisted. "Like I said before, he just needs time to process. Judd likes to think things through completely before he says anything or makes a decision. He's a very careful guy."
"So he's thinking of the best way to tell me he hates me and he wants me gone," TK muttered, before wincing at the look of sadness on Owen's face. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about your son that way."
"My son? You mean your brother? You are both my sons."
"But Judd's been with you the whole time, so he outranks me."
"Outranks? There are no ranks."
"There are. There is always a hierarchy in life and I know I'm below Judd." TK didn't know why Owen was denying this. There was nothing wrong with loving the people who'd earned your love more. Just because TK shared DNA with them didn't mean he automatically was their real family. "If you had to choose between the two of us, you'd choose Judd."
"Why on earth would I ever have to choose between the two of you?"
"If Judd decides he doesn't want me around. I wouldn't blame you for it." TK would be absolutely devastated, but he'd understand. He was still a stranger and it would be a betrayal to choose him over Judd.
"Judd would never ask me to choose. And I never would," Owen said firmly.
"Okay," TK mumbled, not wanting to push his luck any further. But if that scenario did happen, he wanted Owen to know that he knew what to expect. He didn't have to feel guilty for following his heart.
They got out of the car, with TK trailing behind a few steps. He wanted to prolong this walk as much as he could, before the awkwardness began again. Meeting new people wasn't TK's favorite and while everyone had been fine so far, there was no guarantee that would continue. His luck was usually much worse than that.
Owen knocked on the door, rocking back on his heels and flashing him a thumbs up as they waited for someone to answer. Maybe the power would go out and they'd have to cancel. Or a pipe would burst. TK was hoping for any random incident to occur to get him out of this situation quicker. It would be better than getting confirmation that his brother really did hate him.
"Owen! Good to see you again," a woman greeted as she opened the door. Judd's wife, Grace, unless there were other people joining them as well. TK really hoped that wasn't the case. They hugged politely, before both turning to face him. Could he run? His dad was probably in a lot better shape than him, but he had youth and desperation on his side.
"This is TK. TK, this is Grace, Judd's wife," Owen introduced. TK discreetly wiped his sweaty palm off on his pant leg before extending his hand.
"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Strand," TK said, trying to keep his voice steady. He'd heard nothing but praises about Grace, so her word probably held a lot of weight. If she said he was bad news, he was out.
"It is a long overdue pleasure to meet you, TK," Grace replied warmly, shaking his hand. Hers was soft, not at all like his mom's was. She'd been so thin and they were always so cold. "And it's actually Ryder, but you can call me Grace."
"Judd took Grace's last name when they got married," Owen explained.
"Oh." That was interesting. Was it because Judd was progressive or because he wanted to make it harder to be found?
"Come on in," Grace said, stepping back and waving them inside. "Don't want y'all out in the elements for too long."
"Where's…" Owen trailed off, looking around for his son.
"He's in the bathroom. He should be out in a second," Grace replied easily. So Judd probably wasn't off raging somewhere because of their intrusion. Owen hadn't said that this was Judd's idea, but he hoped it hadn't been forced on him. That wouldn't help the tension between them.
"It smells wonderful in here," Owen complimented, rubbing his hands together. "With the way I've been eating these days, I'm going to have to spend some extra time in the gym."
"I grew up eating these home cooked meals and I survived. I think you'll be fine," Grace chuckled, turning in his direction. "Judd grilled steaks and I made some sides, like potatoes, macaroni, and salad. Is that okay? I could whip up something else if you'd like?"
"What?" TK asked in confusion. They'd gone to all that trouble and thought he'd have the audacity to ask for something else? TK didn't have any allergies he was aware of, but he'd eat a peanut butter and shellfish sandwich if that's what they put in front of him.
"It would be no trouble at all."
"No, that- that all sounds amazing. I'll eat whatever you serve me," TK insisted.
"That sounds like my Judd. He's not the type to be picky."
"That's because everything you make is amazing," Judd said, finally stepping into the room. He came over to stand next to his wife, still hovering awkwardly, like every other time TK had seen him. Maybe that's just how he was now. "Hey Dad."
"Judd," Owen replied. Judd made reluctant eye contact with TK and flashed him a hesitant smile.
"TK."
"Hi," TK mumbled, trying not to fidget. Why did Judd have to be so tall?
"The food's all ready, so why don't y'all get settled at the table while I bring everything over?" Judd suggested, turning to head to the kitchen. Grace snagged him by the elbow before he could get away, then nudged him toward the dining area.
"You go sit. I've got it," Grace insisted.
"But-" Judd got cut off by a pointed look from Grace. That alone would've earned his mom a backhand from Enzo. But the man usually turned his anger toward him, since his mom typically didn't do anything to earn his ire. His mom and Enzo were a team, while TK was all alone. "Alright." Judd led them over to the dinner table that was already set. TK sat down next to Owen, while Judd sat on the other side. Grace would be in front of TK, thankfully. Even though he'd just met her, she did seem really nice.
"Here we are," Grace said, expertly carrying all the dishes over. TK's mouth watered at the sight of it all. Lunch at the mall had been a light meal, since Owen didn't want to spoil their appetites. Now that TK saw what he was going to get to eat, he was suddenly starving. "Help yourselves."
"This looks amazing," Owen said, stabbing one of the steaks and putting it onto his plate. TK tried not to think of all the knives that were on the table right now. He kept his hands folded in his lap, waiting for everyone else to get first dibs on what was available. Whatever was left would be more than good enough for him.
"Are you not hungry, sweetheart?" Grace asked. TK stared at his plate, wondering if Judd wasn't eating yet either. "TK?"
"Me?" TK asked, shooting Grace a quizzical look. Had she really called him sweetheart?
"Yes," Grace chuckled, smiling over at him. She had such a believable smile. "Are you going to eat?"
"I was waiting for everyone else."
"You don't have to wait," Judd said, standing up suddenly. TK flinched back and closed his eyes, waiting for the first strike. This was it, he'd failed the test.
"TK?" Owen said softly. Maybe they liked having eye contact during their punishments. TK carefully peeked an eye open, but instead of anger, he found three sets of eyes staring sadly at him. Judd was still half-standing with the platter of steak in his hand.
"Oh," TK mumbled, feeling his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Judd wasn't going to hurt him, he was trying to serve him. He wanted the floor to open up and swallow him. "I'm sorry."
"Let me help you with that," Owen said evenly, taking TK's plate and filling it up. "I'll give you some of everything and you can eat what you like." Owen set the overloaded plate in front of him, but now he wasn't so hungry. His stomach was churning with anxiety and shame. Owen had been gracious enough to skirt around the details of TK's past so far, but if he kept acting like this, the questions would come soon enough. And then they'd know and they'd either look at him with pity or disgust. Or think he deserved it all.
"I'm sorry," TK said quietly again. He didn't think he'd ever stop finding things to apologize for. For a few minutes, the only sounds in the room were chewing and clinking silverware. TK focused all of his attention on swallowing his food and not letting it make a reappearance. This was probably the best meal he'd eaten in years, but he wasn't in the mental space to appreciate it. He just wanted this interaction to be over so they could leave and he could beat himself up in peace.
"So Grace, how is work?" Owen asked, trying to sound normal.
"Good. Stressful, obviously, but good," Grace replied. "I've been on the day shift more often, which is nice."
"Grace is a 911 dispatcher," Owen explained. "She sends us on our calls sometimes." TK nodded to show he was listening, but he didn't say anything. Outright ignoring someone was a big no-no.
"It's definitely not easy sending the people I love into danger, but I knew what I was signing up for when I married a firefighter," Grace sighed.
"You're telling me. I have to literally send my son into fiery buildings every day." Did that mean Owen wouldn't care what he'd been through? If he accepted sending one of his sons into deadly situations, would what happened to TK even matter?
"Some line of work we chose."
"I was actually planning on becoming a lawyer, once upon a time. Not sure I've ever told you guys that before."
"Like Mom?" Judd asked quietly. If it was possible, TK hunched even further into his seat. He didn't want to talk about his mom. He didn't even want to think about his mom. But she wasn't just his mom, was she? If Judd flat out asked him about her, did he have any right to refuse to answer?
"Yeah." The awkward silence was back, but that was probably safer. If they weren't talking, they could eat faster, then leave faster. TK could imagine loving spending time here, having an escape to his cool older brother's house with his amazing wife, complaining casually about their strict dad. But TK wasn't a typical kid and that kind of relationship was only a dream.
"So, do you all have any plans for the next few days?" Grace asked. TK really wished they'd stop trying.
"I've got a few house viewings set up. My place is too small now and my lease was just about up anyway. TK won't have to be on the couch for too much longer." TK wanted to insist that he could be put anywhere, but the idea of his own space was nice too. Especially if his door had a lock that only he could open.
"We have a guest room that you are more than welcome to use," Grace offered. TK nodded again in acknowledgment, even though he'd never take her up on that. It was bad enough that he was having to take so much from his dad, but Grace and Judd didn't owe him anything, especially not shelter. They didn't owe him this meal either, but refusing it while it was in front of him would be too rude.
As soon as the meal was over, Judd sprung up from his seat and started collecting the dishes. TK wanted to do the same, but he wouldn't fight Judd for the chance to escape. It looked like he wanted it just as much as TK. Owen handed TK's plate over, so Judd wouldn't have to reach toward him again. Once again, he was making everyone uncomfortable. TK should've stayed behind that dumpster.
Even though Owen said Judd struggled for a while, he seemed fine in that brief moment in the fire station before they figured out who he was. He was fine enough to become a firefighter, move states, get his own place, and get married. But now that TK was back, it was like all the progress Judd made was gone. And it was all his fault. Maybe that's why his mom could never find happiness. TK ruined everything.
TK made it through the rest of the night without making a fool of himself again, but that's because he stayed silent. Judd kept himself in the kitchen, washing dishes, then finding other things to do. He might've even started laying down contact paper in one of the cabinets, but TK wasn't sure.
Grace and Owen tried to keep the conversation flowing, but it was awkward and stilted. They tried to keep the topics neutral, but there were only so many things you could say about the weather. And nobody seemed to want to address the elephant in the room. The family wrecking elephant.
Judd finally came out of the kitchen when it was time for them to leave. He hovered behind Grace, nodding along as she talked about how nice it was to meet him and telling him that he was welcome over anytime. TK quietly thanked her for her hospitality, before Owen thankfully took him away. The ride back to the apartment was silent, after Owen's half-hearted attempts to insist the night had gone well. Neither of them believed it. TK's prediction before the dinner hadn't been too far off. Even if Judd didn't say the words out loud, he obviously didn't want TK around.
When they got back to the apartment, TK immediately went to the couch and started yawning. He wanted to get as much sleep as he could, just in case it was his last night there. If Judd did make the decision to get rid of him, he wouldn't argue and he'd be ready. His bag was already by his side and emptied of anything Owen had gotten him so far. TK's goal when coming to Texas had been to get everything he could from his family before they booted him, but now he felt too guilty to take anything. He never thought of all the chaos he would cause by being around.
Owen left him alone after a few minutes, closing himself into his bedroom. TK had the fleeting thought of taking off now, but he stopped himself. Him leaving had to be their choice. Throwing their hospitality back in their face like that would make them mad and if they ever saw each other again, it wouldn't be good. But if they told him to leave, he would just be complying with what they wanted.
Hours later, TK was still tossing and turning. He willed his body to fall asleep, but his brain wouldn't stop spinning. It was coming up with different scenarios of what could happen the next day and none of them were good. And he was trying to come up with plans for when he was on his own again. Getting out of Texas was a given, but staying south was probably a good idea, due to the weather. He'd rather be uncomfortably hot a few months out of the year than risk being cold up north. And maybe one day he'd be lucky enough to find some place to call his own.
He was just starting to doze a little when he heard a sound coming from outside the front door. His body was immediately on high alert and he grabbed his knife. Should he call out for Owen? Should he try to fight whoever was out there? If they came in, he owed it to his dad to try to protect him, didn't he? More people cared about Owen than him. And counted on him. Losing TK wouldn't matter.
TK crept to the door, wanting to get a peek of who he was about to deal with. If it was a neighbor coming home, he was going to feel stupid, but so relieved. He carefully leaned toward the peephole and looked through, gasping when he caught sight of who was there. It was Judd, pacing outside of Owen's apartment. Was he trying to get rid of him now, in the middle of the night? TK accidently bumped the door handle and Judd's head snapped toward him at the sound. He knew Judd couldn't see him, but TK could see Judd. He could see his red-rimmed eyes and tear-streaked face. What was going on?
"TK? Is that you?" Judd asked, just loud enough for him to hear through the door. TK clenched his jaw and held his breath, not wanting to make a sound. It didn't seem like he needed to though. "It's okay. You don't have to open the door. I just- I needed to say this to you, but I didn't know how. You deserve to hear it though."
TK was waiting to hear that Judd hated him. That the moment he came back into their lives, he made it worse. That when TK left, Judd had never been happier. That Owen and Judd were a family and TK had no place in it.
"I'm sorry," Judd choked out, covering his mouth with a trembling hand. TK couldn't tear his eyes away, even though he wanted to run back to the couch and pretend like this was all a dream. "I- it was all my fault."
What did he mean? That Judd knew what was happening the whole time and did nothing? Didn't care? TK mirrored Judd, covering his own mouth with his hand. He needed to keep the sobs in.
"It was my job to pick you up from school. I loved that time with you Ty- TK. I don't know if you remember. Sometimes we would go to the corner store and I'd buy you a candy bar or something," Judd said, letting a flash of a sad smile flit across his face. "Then we'd do our homework together at the kitchen table. And share a pan of pizza rolls. We'd always make sure we were done before Wheel of Fortune came on."
Memories of those moments started playing like a montage in TK's mind. He did remember, if he tried really hard. If he blocked out the years of his mom telling him that it wasn't real. That no one else ever wanted him.
"One day, I got invited to a party. It wasn't even important, but I wanted to go. I knew I couldn't, because I had to pick you up and- and I got frustrated. I wanted to have fun with my friends," Judd sniffled, shaking his head. "Mom was home and she asked me what was wrong and I told her about the party. She told me to go, that she could pick you up that day. I was so happy that I was going to be able to have fun and be cool with my older friends. I left without even saying goodbye. That was the last time I saw her."
TK's lungs clenched as Judd broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably. He was bent over at the waist, holding onto his middle as if he was afraid he was going to split open. Judd sank down to the floor, crumpling to rest against the door. TK could only see the top of his head now, so he slid down to sit as well. It took a few minutes before Judd was able to calm down enough to speak again.
"Dad called me later to ask me where you and I were. I told him that Mom picked you up. I could tell something was wrong so I went home and he was on the phone with a bunch of people, trying to find her. He called dispatch, hospitals, any friends she had, but no one knew anything. We didn't know what happened. It was like you vanished," Judd recounted in a haunted tone. "I stayed out all night searching for you. I went down every street between your school and home, looking for any sign of where you'd gone. But there was nothing. There was never anything."
TK had tears streaming down his face. Judd had really done all that? His mom had told him so often that Judd considered him a burden and she was the only one who loved him. That everyone was happy she'd taken him away. But it was all lies.
"We never found out what happened. We didn't know if you were alive or dead. If you'd been kidnapped. It was a mystery," Judd said between gasping breaths. "Dad forced himself to believe that you were still alive, since he didn't have proof otherwise. Not knowing almost killed him, but it was the guilt that almost killed me."
TK was rocking back and forth on the floor, silently crying.
"It was all my fault. If I'd picked you up that day, you would've been with us. I've hated myself ever since that day and I deserved all that pain. I still do," Judd choked out. "That's why I've kept my distance. Because I'm so guilty and I haven't earned the right to be in your life."
TK wanted to scream. He wanted to scream that it wasn't Judd's fault and all he wanted was for them to be a family, but it was him who was damaged and unworthy, not Judd.
"I don't expect you to ever forgive me. I know I never will. But I had to tell you this. I had to tell you how sorry I am. TK, I'm so, so sorry," Judd cried. TK felt like he was about to hyperventilate. His whole body felt shaky and his limbs were going numb as he cried his heart out. He couldn't even tell if he was making any noise at this point, since he had no control over anything anymore. The idea that his family had been in so much pain because of him was too much to handle. And that the pain was because they actually wanted him around.
TK finally forced himself to his feet, needing to see Judd face to face. If he could do something to help his brother, he had to do it. TK might not have much, but all Judd needed were words from him. That would have to be enough for now.
TK pulled open the door, but the hallway was empty. Judd was gone. He looked around, hoping to find a glimpse of him turning a corner, but there was nothing. TK had waited too long and let Judd leave without knowing how he felt. He slumped back to the couch, wrapping a blanket around his shoulders as the tears came back again. He stayed that way until the sun came up.
Owen came out of his bedroom sometime that morning, but TK wasn't sure when. He was still in a daze from everything and exhausted from getting no sleep. Owen wandered into the living room when he saw TK was awake, but paused in concern when he saw the look on his face.
"Are you alright?" Owen asked. They cared about him, didn't they? After a night of dealing with Enzo, his mom wouldn't even glance in his direction, unless it was to scream at him. But TK didn't even have to say anything and his dad still knew. They were putting in the effort. Maybe TK could try too.
"Can I ask you for a favor?"
An hour later, TK was knocking on Judd's door. He was nervous, but determined. Owen was standing by his side and gave him a nod of encouragement. After a few seconds, a confused Judd opened the door. He looked terrible, which wasn't a surprise. TK looked just as bad. But maybe after this, they would both start to heal.
"What's going on?" Judd asked, staring at him nervously. TK opened the pizza box in his hands, revealing a pepperoni with extra cheese. Judd's eyes immediately went watery and he let out a shaky breath. TK knew he'd made the right decision.
"You can have the slice with the bubble."