There was a reason why Shinji had become so good at cooking: It was a mistake to let Misato do the task. His guardian was of the sort to set the kitchen aflame when making soup. However, even she was capable of learning, and could be entrusted with minor tasks. Making a simple breakfast was within her capabilities.
...how did I end up here?
When they had both nearly finished, Misato spoke up. "So, Shinji..." Shinji heart contracted. He knew that kind of voice. "What is it between you and Asuka?"
Of course that question had to come. Shinji in particular had not been very secretive about their relationship the previous day.
Needless to say, he could only answer in a stammering manner. "Well… well… uh..." He managed to catch himself, and spoke quieter now. "It's just… after Rei… we thought she was dead, Misato. Both of us did. We needed… well..." He shrugged.
"Closeness?" Misato asked. She sounded surprisingly serious. "Comfort?" Shinji just nodded. "I can… understand that. But I hope you haven't done anything… well, not done anything I would have done." Shinji just tilted his head. "You know… well, how undressed have you gotten?" She winked.
Immediately, Shinji's head became red like a tomato. "We… we didn't!" he exclaimed. "I mean, we changed into pajamas, but that's all. There was nothing..." He stopped, too embarrassed to go on.
Misato's lips trembled in amusement "Yeah, no way you could lie to me. I believe you." She got more serious. "Still, I wished Ibuki hadn't been so lenient. She said she just trusted you, and I can see why, but still, to let two teenagers sleep in the same room?"
Huh. Apparently, Ibuki hadn't told Misato about Shinji's argument. It stood to reason that she hadn't told her about what had happened on the balcony either, then. Shinji was very glad and grateful about that. That was something he really didn't want to explain to Misato – and who knew where she'd drag him if it became known how he… In any case, that was the past now. Not only was Ayanami in fact alive, he also had Asuka.
Then Shinji's mind returned to Misato's question. Oh damn. "No-nothing happened!"
"For now," Misato pointed out. "What about the future? What do you two… plan?"
Shinji looked down on the table. "Well… we aren't really sure ourselves. I mean, Ayanami is back now. We just… we have to care for her first before we can do something with our… with our… uh… relationship." And he was red again.
"Hm," Misato replied ambiguously. "You two are also… close to Rei, aren't you?" Shinji could merely nod. Misato sighed and muttered, "Fine mess you're in."
Even while still looking down, Shinji smiled and shook his head. "It isn't so bad. It's good, actually, very good. I mean… Ayanami is alive."
From the corner of his eye, Shinji could see Misato smiling. "You're a good boy, Shinji. Just… be careful, you know. Gods know I won't be able to keep you from doing what I tease you about, but… be careful."
Shinji looked up and into Misato's face. "Careful?"
Misato sighed. "Don't rush too quickly into situations that might turn out to be uncomfortable for you. And by all gods, use protection!"
Prot… Heat shot into Shinji's face again. He nodded dumbly. This conversation is just terrible! He hoped it would end soon.
Again, Misato looked amused. She picked up something lying on the table next to her and gave it to him: A letter. "In fact, you seem to be quite in demand with the ladies lately," she told him with a wink. "It's from that Mana Kirishima."
Kirishima? Unsurely, Shinji took the letter. He had no idea why Kirishima would write him. It really didn't help with Misato's teasing, that was clear. He silently went to his room in order to read the letter.
Dear Ikari,
if you do not want to read this letter, then I can understand it. But I implore you to at least give me this chance to explain myself and most importantly to apologize to you. My clumsy attempt at kissing you was most certainly wrong, though I really meant no harm. Please understand that I do admire you for what you are doing for the city, and that I thought you could use some light-hearted distraction. People often say that I am too impulsive and do not pay enough heed to proper etiquette. Therefore, I underestimated how shocking and improper this must have been to you. I do like you, but I did not mean anything major or serious with that kiss. I was just trying to share some fun with you.
I would very much like to stay friends – ideally, to simply forget about what has happened, though I admit that is a selfish wish, seeing as it was me who has made the mistake. I promise you something like that will never come up again. But I honestly would find it a pity if now we could not even talk to each other anymore. Therefore, I ask of you to give me a second chance to behave well. I will this time, I promise!
I hope to hear an answer from you in school, or via letter.
Yours truly,
Mana Kirishima
Even after he had finished reading, Shinji kept on staring at the letter. It seemed so absurd to him. Kirishima had formulated it so seriously, as if her attempt at kissing had been the most terrible thing in the world. And yes, it had kinda scared Shinji at the time. But now, after the angel, after Ayanami's self-sacrifice, after having thought her dead and then seeing her again… it felt so trivial to Shinji. So irrelevant. So silly.
He still was confused why Kirishima had even tried to kiss him, but if she just wanted to forget about it all, then that was alright with him. It really didn't matter greatly anymore. He had other, more important things to worry about. Like Ayanami's well-being.
It was time to go over to her and Asuka's apartment.
"Are you out of your mind?"
Rei stood in front of Asuka, unmoving, expressionless. Also, unclothed. Asuka thought the two had gone through this topic already.
"I told you to wear clothes outside of your room and the bathroom! I even gave you a night gown!"
There was something creepy about the situation. It was Rei's body uncovered in front of Asuka, something which she admired, but it didn't seem to belong to Rei. The situation was more desperate than anywhere close to arousing.
"I do not remember that," Rei answered.
"You… Scheiße..." Asuka cursed. "What do you even remember?"
"I do not remember why I am in this apartment," Rei went on.
"We trained here together!" Asuka shouted at her in desperation. "For an entire week we did silly dancing routines! And then managed to beat an angel together."
"I do not remember that," Rei told her.
She doesn't… That was bad. Very bad. Trying to cover up her growing fears, Asuka shouted, "Well, then once again: If you move outside your room or the bathroom, wear clothes!"
Rei just nodded and returned to her room.
It's happening again.
The previous day, Asuka had been concerned but joyful about Rei's fate. But now, she wondered if it even was the Rei she had known in that body. The blue-haired girl seemed to have forgotten everything. The rules the two had agreed on. The reason she was even here in this apartment. Their shared training week. And… the bond the two had created.
It seemed yet again EVA had taken a person she loved and spat out a caricature in their place. It seemed like history repeating all over again. Again somebody she loved was abandoning her. Again, they didn't even really recognize her anymore.
Nonono, this can't be happening again! Ritsuko said it would be temporary! And I… this time I can do something about it!
But deep down, Asuka realized that this was a conviction born out of desperation.
When Rei came back to the kitchen she was clothed. In her school uniform instead of any of the clothes she and Asuka had bought together, but at least she was clothed. Asuka had prepared tea for her in the meanwhile, from the bags Shinji had originally bought for the blue-haired girl.
Rei didn't seem to recognize it, though. She just stood in the entrance between kitchen and living room and looked at… at Asuka, actually, as the redhead realized belatedly. Her gaze seemed to be mildly curious. But apart from that she was as expressionless and motionless as she had always been since returning from the Geofront.
Asuka nodded towards the mug of tea at the end of the table. "Sit down. The warm tea will do you good, I'm sure."
Rei did so without further comment. She sipped from the mug… and stopped. Her face seemed to clear up just a bit as she looked straight ahead.
"This is..." she began.
"Yes?" Asuka asked eagerly, overjoyed to see any reaction at all in Rei.
"...familiar," Rei ended. Yes! "But I do not know why."
"That'll come in time," Asuka told her with more confidence than she was actually feeling. For now, she simply enjoyed her own mug. It was not quite the same as that one night where the two had sat there in soothing silence together, but Asuka hoped it would be a start.
She'll come back. She has to. It can't happen the same way as with… as with…
The downward spiral in her thoughts was halted when the door bell rung. Hastily, Asuka stood up and opened for Shinji.
"Gott sei Dank..." she muttered and hugged him.
Shinji hugged her back, but he did seem surprised. "Uh… Asuka..."
She loosened the embrace to look at him. "Yeah?"
"Well… I mean… Ayanami is here, right?" Shinji explained his position. "So, would it be appropriate…"
"Oh, right," Asuka agreed and ended the hug. She didn't have any problems with public displays of affection, but that wasn't the point. The only reason the two were exchanging public displays of affection now was because both had thought Rei was dead. But she wasn't. And they had both admitted to loving her. So it did make sense to have the whole mess sorted out first, before continuing that relationship.
Though as that had happened at the apartment door, and Rei hadn't followed Asuka, at least she hadn't seen the hug. Though Asuka wondered if the blue-haired girl would even care one way or the other right now.
Rei looked up when Shinji entered the kitchen. In fact she was staring intensely at him, her gaze following him as he took a seat at the table. He smiled awkwardly as he did so, which made her stop in mid-motion and widen her eyes, as if in surprise.
"Are you feeling better, Ayanami?" Shinji asked.
"Better?" Rei replied
Shinji looked at Asuka, but she couldn't give him any guidance here. He turned back to Rei. "Well, you know… are you remembering stuff again?"
"Not everything," Rei answered bluntly.
"Ah well, it's only the first day since your release," Shinji tried to downplay that concern. "Surely, things will get better."
Rei didn't respond, didn't even react to that.
Trying to combat the ensuing silence, Asuka clung to something that seemed to have worked at least somewhat. "Do you like the tea, Rei?"
The blue-haired girl just nodded, and that was that.
The silence that now followed lasted well after both her and Asuka had finished their mugs of tea. The German girl didn't quite know what to do now. Nothing seemed to really have an effect on Rei, and yet, they couldn't well leave her alone.
"Ah… you have a TV here now, don't you?" Shinji finally asked
"And thank God for that," Asuka muttered.
"Then let's go over and watch TV," Shinji recommended.
Asuka nodded and got in motion. When both her and Shinji where moving to the living room, Rei simply followed them. Asuka thought watching TV was a good idea. They could all be together without the need for conversation. Even if everyone remained silent, they could still just sit or lie there and watch.
Shinji sat down on a pillow. Asuka took one as well. She went straight to Shinji's place… but then, upon consideration, placed her pillow a bit away from his. Rei sat down next to Shinji on the other side.
They watched a nature documentary. They watched a courtroom show. They watched a police procedural. And during all this, attempts to communicate with Rei just… failed. She did seem to understand, on an intellectual level, what happened on TV, but it didn't seem to interest her. Or maybe she couldn't connect to it, just like she currently seemed unable to connect to anything around her. It was frustrating.
And in a way, so was Shinji's presence. He was right next to Asuka. But she held back from leaning her head against his shoulder or taking his hand or laying an arm around his waist. She would have liked to, to feel a bit of reassurance, to get a bit of rest, but… Rei had to come first. And it would just be unfair to her if they excluded her now. The whole mess of who felt what for whom in their trio would have to be sorted out, but they would only be able to do so once Rei felt better again. Once she was herself again.
That was even more frustrating. But Asuka cared for Rei. She could even admit that herself now, had even admitted that to Shinji. She… she wanted to see her smile again.
In the afternoon, remembering the one time they went to the cinema, Asuka suggested something science fiction. Unfortunately, the only such item to appear on TV at that time was a rather low budget series. Whether it was due to that or Rei's condition, it had no effect on the blue-haired girl. Asuka's worries grew.
In the evening, Shinji decided to start cooking. Asuka followed him into the kitchen. Rei stayed in the living room, since nobody had told her otherwise.
"Ayanami will get better," Shinji commented quietly, and added in a whisper, "She has to."
Asuka nodded. "She did have a sort of reaction to the tea. Maybe it was the smell or the taste… or because it was associated with an emotional moment… not that I would've thought it was emotional for her..."
Shinji looked at her. "Emotional moment?"
"Well… uh..." Asuka stuttered. Then she rubbed her palm over her face. Of course Shinji didn't actually know about that episode.
...then again, there is no reason to hide anything from him is there? She knew, by experience, she could trust Rei with that, and she knew Shinji was just as trustworthy as her. So she explained the incident to Shinji.
"Oh," he voiced. "That..." Then he smiled. "Ayanami can be nice like that. In a quiet, unobstrusive way."
"Yeah," Asuka agreed, though she wondered if Rei currently would even still be capable of that. "It's just… it amazed me how she indeed never has brought it up again. Just like I said."
"And yet you now told me," Shinji observed.
Asuka looked down and kicked her leg back and forth. "Well, I… kinda trust you. Don't misplace that trust!"
"I won't," Shinji promised her softly. "But… but if that helped Ayanami, then maybe we can try something else? Some other tastes or smell that would trigger emotions with her? Memories of hers?"
"That was the idea, yeah," Asuka agreed.
"Then… then I think I know what I'll be making," Shinji stated. "If you're okay with rice porridge."
"Oh!" Asuka realized what Shinji meant. "Yeah, of course I am. That's a good idea." She looked around and then gave him a peck on the cheek. He reacted most satisfactorily with a slight blush and a smile, while getting out the ingredients. Asuka returned to the living room to keep a watch on Rei. The blue-haired girl seemed to not have a moved a single millimetre since she had left.
Okayu was a simple dish, easily prepared, so the two could soon return to the kitchen, to a prepared table. They and Shinji sat down and began eating… or rather, Asuka and Shinji intensely watched as Rei was eating. It was purely mechanical at first – taking a spoonful, carrying the spoon to her mouth, eating from it, returning the spoon, taking the next spoonful, all in the same rhythm. But then she stopped shortly, only to speed up the rhythm. It seemed like the taste agreed with her.
Hesitantly, still not entirely trusting this positive turn of events, Asuka and Shinji smiled at each other. But then Rei stopped again. Her entire body went rigid. The two other pilots looked at her with concern. For the first time in days an emotion crossed over her face. In fact, it was probably the strongest emotion they had ever seen on it.
And it was anger. Hate, maybe.
Rei took her plate and threw it away with force. It crashed against the kitchen counter and shattered. And now Rei was entirely calm and expressionless again, and simply looked straight ahead, as if nothing had happened. Both Asuka and Shinji were aghast. Shinji simply balled his hands to fists and looked down onto the table. Asuka grabbed the edge of the table hard and looked back and forth between the two.
It's happening again!
Again that person who had returned from the EVA was nothing like they had been before. Again, there would be nothing of her former self inside her anymore. Again…
She slammed a fist onto the table. Shinji looked up, but only briefly. I can do something. I can do something. I can DO something. She stood up fiercely, walked over to Rei and laid her hands on her shoulders, so that the blue-haired girl had to face her.
"Rei. Are you okay, Rei?" she asked.
"I don't know what you mean," Rei replied.
Asuka's grip on her shoulder became a little bit tighter. "Is there… like… is there anything we can do to help you?"
"I don't know," Rei answered again.
Asuka was not willing to accept that. So she folded one arm around Rei's shoulder, and with the other laid her head against her chest. That had worked once, already and besides… why not hug Rei? She certainly seemed to need it, and Asuka herself could use some comfort as well. Even if Rei still didn't react. Asuka looked over to Shinji, and nodded him over. He looked surprised that she would do so, but finally, hesitantly stood up and approached the two. Then he gathered both in his arms.
We can do something. This is temporary.
Rei still didn't react.
Walking to school was a lot more subdued than it had been before the Okinawa week. Than before everything had gone down. Even then, Ayanami had been mostly quiet, but it had been a different sort of quiet. She had listened, she even had spoken now and then, and whenever she had, Asuka and Shinji had listened, not wanting to waste such a precious moment. But now, it seemed Ayanami wasn't even really there. She walked side by side with Asuka and Shinji, but that was mere physical presence. She didn't even look at them, and all her answers to questions were purely mechanical. Eventually, there were no more questions.
Shinji felt an acute sense of loss about this. Walking to and from school had always been highlights of the day ever since Ayanami and Asuka had gotten her new apartment. He liked Touji and Kensuke, but the times when it was just the three of them, who could talk with each other without worry and without anyone listening in, had been priceless. And now Shinji had to wonder if those times would ever come back.
To their surprise, when the three had nearly reached the school, they found Touji standing on the pavement, looking down and moving with a certain nervousness. Usually the boy was running late for school rather than being up so early. Even more unusual was his appearance: He was sporting a bandage around the head, a further one down his left cheek, and a cast around his neck.
Nobody said anything. Shinji really didn't know what to say. It was clear what had caused those injuries. Touji only noticed the trio once they had nearly passed, and then suddenly sprung into action. "Oh! Shinji! Ayanami, Soryu! Hell… ouch!" He fumbled at his neck cast. It looked uncomfortable.
Asuka and Shinji stopped. Ayanami didn't. "Hello, Touji," Shinji greeted back.
"Yeah, hello..." Touji answered absent-mindedly and then called, "Hey, Ayanami! Please stop! I need to tell you something." Ayanami did so, but didn't turn around. Quickly, Touji moved two steps towards her, but then flinched, as if something hurt. "Ayanami?" The blue-haired girl turned around and Touji bowed deeply. "Thank you. I've… I've been informed of what happened. Thank you for saving my life."
"I don't remember that," Rei answered.
Abruptly, Touji straightened up again… only to hold his head. Shinji rushed to his side, but then didn't do or say anything. "You… ah..." Touji began. "You don't remember?"
Rei shook her head. Shinji took over explaining, "She's suffering from serious amnesia. Dr Akagi said it will be temporary."
Touji took another look at her. "Oh. And that… that due to saving my life..."
"Yes indeed!" Now Asuka caught up to the others again. "This all… it wouldn't have been necessary if you had just kept control over your damn unit!"
"But I tried to!" Touji pleaded. "I… I 'synched', and I did feel something… but then there was something else in my thoughts, something foreign, and I blacked out. And then I was only now and then dimly aware of what was happening around me."
"You blacked out," Asuka echoed accusingly. "That's just it. You slipped, you lost control, and Rei had to pay the price."
Shinji was shocked at Asuka's accusations. Surely the redhead knew that this was nonsense, that Touji as well was simply another victim of the angel. Meanwhile, Rei simply stood by and watched without showing any reaction whatsoever.
"I didn't even know what to do!" Touji shouted back, but it didn't sound as convinced as before. "I had no chance!"
"Yes, you indeed didn't" Asuka shot back. "You never should have been made a pilot!"
"You think I wanted to be?" Touji shouted now. He was breathing heavily now. "But those NERV agents… they said they could help my sister. NERV has all sorts of advanced medical tech, right? And at the public hospital..." He shook his head. "They couldn't help her. They just couldn't help her there anymore."
His sister… and it had been Shinji's EVA which had injured his sister in the first place.
"So your sister is okay, and Rei..." Asuka began anew.
Shinji felt terrible about that. So he spoke up in a pleading voice, "Asuka… please…." He laid his hand on Touji's shoulder. "So you'll pilot now?"
Touji sighed and shook his head. "I have to. I'll just have to. I've seen what it does to you, man. I never really paid attention… I'm so sorry. I should have. I should have!"
Asuka just scoffed but stayed silent. And Shinji… Shinji suddenly felt a depth of sympathy like he hadn't ever before. Touji was now going through just the same as him; would continue to go through the same pain and suffering. And yet, just like he, he had no other choice. But what words of support could Shinji give him? It would in fact be just as terrible as Touji thought it would be. And besides, Shinji was arguably the reason Touji now had to pilot in the first place.
"We… we… we'll go through this together," Shinji tried. "All four of us."
Touji laughed bitterly. "Yeah, indeed only four. And the rest – none of them have any clue. I know that because I used to be such an ignorant idiot myself, and yet I saw what piloting did to you. I saw you suffering through a fight and then just ignored it. Serves me right to be a pilot now, I guess..."
"Look, stooge," Asuka spoke up now. Rough, but calm. "It can be painful, yes, but we're doing good work. The world needs us. We..."
"Oh, I know," Touji interrupted her. "They told me. Doesn't make it any better. I'll still… I mean, just look at us. One amnesiac, another one's head in bandages… I…" He became quieter. "I don't want to have to suffer constantly."
This was greeted with silence. Asuka looked critical, dismissive, maybe even full of contempt, Shinji didn't know what he could do to reassure his friend, and Rei showed no reaction at all. It was her who finally broke the silence.
"We should move on," she simply stated quietly. "Or we'll be late"
"Yeah," Touji agreed. It sounded bitter. "After all, I know they'll even make pilots do extra cleaning duties. But… thank you again, Ayanami. I may have whined your ears off here, but what I wanted to do was to thank you. I owe you something." He turned his head around. "To you as well, Shinji."
Touji's bandages caught lots of looks in the school, and raised many questions – or rather, the same question over and over. He thus had little chance but to tell the truth, that yes, he was the newest EVA pilot. The news spread like wildfire through the school. Even when the teacher entered the class, there still was a lot of excited whispering.
This deflected attention from Ayanami's strange behaviour. Or maybe it wasn't at all strange to the rest of the class. To them, Ayanami had to seem the same as always. The blue-haired girl sat down at her place as soon as she had entered the room, and began staring out of the window. That was what she was always doing. The greater change was in Shinji and Asuka, who were eying her with concern.
Kensuke and Horaki were in the crowd that formed around Touji, like most in the class. Shinji noticed Kirishima kept some distance. The girl seemed considerably more subdued than before. Is she still feeling guilty because of that library incident? That had been five days ago already… granted, five very eventful days for Shinji, so maybe his view was skewed. She didn't even properly look at him when she sat down at her desk, next to his. And before Shinji had mentally gathered a possible reply to her letter, the teacher had already entered the class.
During class, Mana was leaning far forward, as if extra eager to pay attention. Or maybe she just wanted to intensely look anywhere else other than in Shinji's direction. And while he also tried to ignore her, that was made difficult by her shifting around considerably on her seat, as if she were sitting uncomfortably. And indeed, at one point Shinji caught her wincing.
When the midday break began and everyone stood up from their places, there was no way anymore for the two to ignore each other. So in the general rush, when everyone was too busy with themselves, Shinji spoke up quietly, "Uh… Kirishima?" She turned to him. There was a certain anxiety on her face. "I got your letter. It's okay. We can forget about that incident, if you want."
"Really?" Kirishima replied. "Oh, thank you!" She sounded very relieved indeed, which Shinji found odd. Has she fretted over this so long? With some delay, she added, "I'd hug you, but I guess that would be counter-productive." Shinji smiled lopsidedly. Quite so.
"The incident? What incident?"
Both Kirishima and Shinji whirled around, to see Asuka standing behind them, arms akimbo.
"Well… uh… welll..." Shinji stuttered, but he saw no way that he could explain that all to her now. He looked over to Kirishima, but the girl was no great help either. She simply looked down and stayed quiet. "Ah, you see… it's… it's just… well, it's something… Kirishima and I…. uh..."
He stopped his half-hearted attempts to get an explanation out. Some seconds of silence followed. Finally, Asuka remarked, "I see," and stormed off.
And Shinji felt terrible again.
He glumly took the lunch boxes from his backpack. He brought one over to Ayanami, who barely reacted, and then returned to sit down at his table again. What do I do with Asuka's box now? With a sigh he was about to open his own when somebody next to him remarked, "Won't you bring that to Soryu?"
Shinji looked up to Kensuke standing next to the table. He sighed. "Gods know where she is now."
Kensuke shrugged. "Somewhere in the corridors. Good place to talk to her in private."
Shinji looked at him suspiciously. What business of Kensuke's was this? Gumpily, he turned his head away from his friend… to see how Ayanami was now staring at the open class door through which Asuka had rushed. There still was no expression on her face, but…
I really shouldn't lie to Asuka. They had after all talked about that, how nobody had ever been honest with them, just false smiles and no concern. They had to be different to each other than that. Shinji took the two remaining lunch boxes and went outside.
It took some time until he had found her. She was sitting on a windowsill at the end of a corridor, her heard turned around so that she could look outside. When she spotted him, she jumped up from that position.
"Shouldn't you be with Mana now?" she asked acidly.
Shinji looked down. Finally he mumbled, "I brought you your lunchbox." He held out of the two boxes.
Asuka furrowed her brows. Then she abruptly took the box, and laid it out on the windowsill. Nobody said a word.
"Uh..." Shinji finally spoke up. "About… about Kirishima and me..." He saw Asuka tensing, but she gave no audible reaction. "I supppose… I suppose you do deserve to know what happened." Asuka turned around and crossed her arms. Shinji looked up again, to face her. "That incident I referred to… well, when I showed her the city we also went to the library and well… well… she… she tried to kiss me there."
Asuka's face turned into an expression of horror. She even took a step back. Then all emotions seemed to become replaced by horror. "I knew it. I knew it!"
"She didn't get anywhere!" Shinji hastened to specify. "I… I ran away."
"That… that whore still kissed you!" Asuka fumed. "And I thought I could trust you!"
"That… it happened before we… before we got together," Shinji pleaded. "And even then it didn't feel right. That's why I ran."
" 'Didn't feel right'," Asuka echoed sarcastically with a scoff.
"It… it wasn't with you," Shinji explained. And, since he had decided that now was the time for honesty, "...or with Ayanami."
"Okay. So you ran away," Asuka allowed, ignoring the last part of Shinji's explanation completely. "But you shouldn't have been out with the Flittchen at all. I told you, didn't I? You should have looked after Rei!"
Shinji looked down again. "Yes. You were right."
"Yes. Yes, I was," Asuka confirmed. She gathered up the lunchbox again and left.
As she passed Shinji, he pleaded: "What will you do now? Will you leave me? You as well?"
Asuka stopped. "Don't pressure me. I need to think about that." Then she continued to walk.
Shinji felt just defeated. I screwed up. How do I fix that?
Asuka and Rei still came over to Misato's apartment for dinner, but the atmosphere during it was tense. Misato obviously noticed, but didn't comment. Hardly a word was spoken. Shinji looked hurt, and Asuka couldn't blame him for that, but neither could she simply forgive him. It was complicated.
She knew she was being unfair. Shinji had run away after all… or had he? That exactly was the problem, the loss of trust. Asuka had thought that she had finally found someone whom she could trust completely, someone who was just like her, someone who understood. And that was why it hurt so much to imagine him being together with Mana. Asuka just didn't want to set herself up for even more hurt.
The status of their relationship, such as it was, had been complicated due to Rei's presence anyway, not that either of them would have it any other way. But if they were really to be… together, then Asuka had to make absolutely sure that Shinji wouldn't hurt her or just leave her as so many other people in her life had. She had thought she could be sure of that, but that certainty had been shattered. Even if Shinji had acted right in the end, that certainty was simply gone. And while Asuka missed it as much as Shinji obviously did, she couldn't show that. She had to guard herself against further disappointments.
Thus, dinner ended as it had started, in awkward silence. Afterwards, Asuka and Rei silently trotted back to their apartment. Asuka didn't even try to start a conversation anymore. She just didn't have the energy for a likely futile attempt. She was unsure about Shinji now and Rei was still behaving like a stranger. It gnawed at her.
That was why she retreated to her room basically as soon as she and Rei had come home. There really was nothing left to do but to sleep. Maybe she would have a solution to the whole mess once she had slept over it.
Asuka dimly remembered fields of sunflowers and corridors in an old South German building going up and down in her field of vision and a feeling of dread when she was awoken in the middle of the night. There were noises coming from outside her room. Something shattered, something fell onto the ground, something got dragged over the ground. What in God's name…
When she stepped outside her room she saw light coming from the kitchen. She made her way to there…
...and saw a veritable battlefield. The kitchen table had been dragged through half the room, the chairs around had been thrown to the ground, and all around that lay the shattered remnants of dishes and glass cups. And amidst all that chaos stood Rei in her night gown, now completely calm and emotionless.
"Rei!" Asuka exclaimed. "Did… did you do that?" Rei nodded. "But… why?"
"Who am I?" Rei asked suddenly. Asuka just blinked. "Why am I still here? What am I?"
"Rei..." Asuka whispered, unsure what to do or what to say.
"I remember, but it doesn't fit together," Rei went on. Her voice was still soft, but the pain in it could not be mistaken. "I remember you. Loud, brash, inefficient. Caring, warm, holding me. I remember me, but..."
"But?" Asuka prompted her. Inside her, her heart jumped. She's beginning to remember.
"I don't know which of them is me," Rei answered. "The Rei Ayanami in the depths of the geofront. The Rei Ayanami inside the EVA. The Rei Ayanami piloting the EVA. The Rei Ayanami waking up at the hospital. I am..." All hints of emotion left her voice, so that she spoke a simple matter of fact. "Torn."
Moving carefully so as to not step into shards, Asuka took some steps forwards. "I don't know what you mean!"
Rei made a gesture to the ground around her. "Like shards. It does not fit together."
It still didn't make sense to Asuka. But Rei seemed so lost, so vulnerable. She wanted to help her. She feared she would be too clumsy, as always, that she would screw it up, but she couldn't just leave Rei like this. "Come. You need rest. We can clean this up tomorrow."
Carefully, she guided Rei out of the area of broken shards and into the living room, holding on to her waist. The girl tensed when she was led towards her room.
"Asuka..." she whispered softly.
"Yes?" the redhead answered.
"I do not wish to be alone," Rei stated.
Oh. Well, that was kinda understandable. Rei seemed downright frightened. Apparently, coming back from amnesia was a terrifying experience. Asuka stopped. Then she turned around and nudged Rei into the opposite direction. Towards her own room.
Once there, Rei immediately crawled into Asuka's futon. The redhead hesitated. The last time she could have chosen to share a futon with Rei, she had chickened out. And truth be told, she still didn't feel quite ready, but… but Rei didn't want to be alone. She was in the futon now, looking at Asuka. She needed Asuka's support.
With a lopsided smirk, Asuka entered the futon as well, behind Rei, and then closed her arms around her.
"Thank you," Rei whispered. "You are warm. I still remember that."
Well, at the very latest Asuka was warm right now. She felt heat rising into her face. But she found holding Rei was just as pleasant as holding Shinji. Her mind steadfastly refused to think about what that meant, but right now she could just enjoy Rei's presence.
However, Rei still found no rest. She soon started to shiver, and then began thrashing around with her arms for a minute.
"Rei!" Asuka exclaimed. "Rei!" But there was nothing she could do but hold her tightly.
"It still does not fit together," Rei complained after her movements had died down again. "There are more images in my head, but they still don't fit together. I cannot have been in the EVA and in a body at the same time."
"In a body?" Asuka asked, confused. She had no idea what Rei meant.
Rei seemed to ignore this. "And Commander Ikari. I have no idea if I admired him or hated him. He… he rescued me. He put me in the EVA. He didn't let me reach oblivion."
"Oblivion?" Asuka echoed, now very much worried again.
"I remember Shinji Ikari," Rei continued. "Yes. I remember him."
All the problems with Shinji this day were wiped from Asuka's mind. If it was something that could help Rei… "What do you remember?"
"He promised," Rei answered. She whispered, but it sounded determined. "He promised to protect me. He did."
"He saved you from the caldera of Mt Asama," Asuka told her. "And he promised to further protect you."
"I remember that," Rei whispered. "I remember him. Why is there no confusion there?"
Asuka's body went rigid for a moment, her grip on Rei slightly harder. That special connection between the two again… If it could help Rei, Asuka was all for that, but she still felt slightly excluded. It was those two who had first formed a connection, who had become each other's reasons for piloting, who could freely cross-synch, who had shared the first dual synch experience because their minds were in harmony. It was nearly enough to make Asuka feel like an unnecessary addition.
...still, if it could help Rei…
"Wait a moment," Asuka told the blue-haired girl. She crawled most of the way out of her futon and grabbed her jeans, which she had carelessly thrown on the ground. From its pocket, she got her NERV mobile phone. Hastily, she chose one of the contacts on its list.
It took a while before an answer came. After all, Shinji was presumably sleeping.
"Urgh… Asuka?" he spoke up. "What's the matter?"
"Rei," Asuka simply answered. "She's starting to remember and it's messing her up. She remembers you, though. All of it." Asuka tried to sound as neutral as possible, to keep all jealousy from her voice. "Maybe you can help?"
"Ah… help?" Shinji asked, apparently still not fully awake.
"Come over!" Asuka told him.
"Now?" Shinji asked. "But… I don't think Misato would..." He stopped his stuttering. "How bad is it?"
Asuka looked over to Rei, who had started shivering again. "Very. Please come."
"...give me a minute to sneak out of here," Shinji told her.
It took more than five minutes until the door bell rang. By that time, Asuka was already impatiently waiting in the apartment entrance. Before Shinji could say anything, she dragged him in, told him to be careful, and guided him through the mess that was the kitchen. Then she led him into her room.
Both took great effort not to fully look at each other.
Inside Asuka's room, Shinji hurried over to the futon and knelt besides it. "Are you okay, Ayanami?"
"I remember you asking before," Rei told him and sat upright. "I also remember I did this."
And with that, she grabbed him into a hug. This time, Shinji didn't need to be told to hold her. He closed his arms around her and laid her head against his shoulder. He closed his eyes and let both of them come to a rest.
Seeing the two so at peace… Asuka still felt a pang of exclusion, but it was also adorable. Both of them were.
"This time," Rei whispered, "stay."
Shinji looked unsurely to Asuka. "Well, if your clothes fit me, mine will most likely fit you. I can lend you some stuff for the night."
Shinji nodded and gently disentangled himself from Rei. As Asuka handed clothes to him, part of her wondered what she was doing. Her heart was pounding heavily. Would he spend the night here? With both of them? Asuka went along with this because Rei needed help and support, but what did she think about this?
Shinji changed into his borrowed clothes with his back towards the girl. It still allowed Asuka to ogle him. He did have a cute butt. She sideglanced towards Rei and threw her head around when she noticed the blue-haired girl was also looking straight at said posterior.
After Shinji had changed and turned around, there was some awkward hesitation. Do we really all get into that futon? It was, admittedly, broad enough, but… Well, why not? Asuka liked Shinji. Asuka liked Rei. And Rei, right now, needed all the support she could get. Asuka stepped over Rei and got into the futon behind her. Then she waved Shinji over.
Still looking awkwardly, Shinji slowly got into the futon… until he was basically dragged in by Rei and Asuka. Get in here. In a way, this was a chance for Asuka. To lie here with both him and Rei. Despite her earlier uncertainty, now she didn't want to miss that chance.
Shinji's arms stretched out to cover Rei, to cover Asuka. He closed them behind the redhead, just as her arms now also extended around him. And between them, in their midst, Rei, who had her arms tightly closed around Shinji and her head nestled against his neck. Likewise, Asuka's head leaned against the backside of Rei's neck.
To feel Shinji's arms around her while her head rested against Rei… to be so close to two people she cared for, had feelings for… and who both seemed to return those feelings… Asuka felt loved. Accepted. Needed, too. And that this happened with two people, to her of all people… Asuka breathed in, feeling content and peaceful.
Shinji stroked her back, while nuzzling his head against Rei's hair. There was a sound coming from him that sounded almost like a squee, while Rei just sighed contentedly. Asuka smiled instinctively. Rei and Shinji were feeling good, here, together with her. And Rei in particular didn't shiver anymore, seemed happy now. As for herself, Asuka just basked in the warmth of her two bed companions.
There was nothing going further than hugs. No kisses, certainly nothing even bordering on the sexual. Which was just fine with Asuka. It wasn't like she didn't want to try that eventually… but not… just not now. So there was no risk here, no challenge. She trusted Rei and she noticed that on this instinctive level she also still trusted Shinji. This was just an expression of physical closeness, of feeling the others. Just as Asuka and Shinji had done when they had thought Rei was dead. To have three people do it was maybe a bit odd, but right now, Asuka didn't care about that.
Rei mumbled something.
"What is it, Ayanami?" Shinji asked.
"I still… I'm still remembering," Rei told him. "Things are coming back to me."
"And that's bad?" Shinji asked.
"It hurts when I… when I remember… me," Rei answered. "But I want to remember."
Asuka stroked Rei's hair. Soon, the blue-haired girl breathed more evenly again. Asuka didn't know if she had drifted off to sleep. But after she herself had done so, she didn't dream anymore of old town building corridors in South Germany.
The first thing Shinji noted when waking up was blue. He was looking right at Ayanami's head. Strains of red were interwoven with it, as Asuka's wild hair spread out every which way on the futon. This time, Shinji didn't react with fear. To see Ayanami sleeping so peacefully, after whatever had happened to her last night, made any trouble he might catch for this worthwhile. And to have been held by both her and Asuka... at that point, Shinji hadn't cared about anything else in the world anymore. There had been just content comfort, a feeling that had been mirrored on Ayanami's face. They all had been peaceful and content, and that in itself had been an incredible feeling. All three of them had found… home. A sort of emotional home.
Shinji raised his upper body to look at the two girls. He felt a pang in his heart. He just needed to look at them and he wanted to protect them, help them, hold them… kiss them? And that went for both of them. To see them lying together here like that, literally within arm's reach… It made him happy, but it also made him confused as to what he actually wanted. He had gotten together with Asuka, but only because both had thought Ayanami was dead. So did he want Asuka? Or did he want Ayanami?
They were both so adorable lying there. And attractive. Shinji was very aware of their shapes.
The most confusing thing was how he had feelings both despite how different they were. Asuka was all urge to go forwards and to hell with the odds. There was a liveliness about her that just dragged him with it. And yet, at the same time, the two could connect because they both had gone through such similar things. That was a connection that wasn't there with Ayanami, but in a way it didn't need to. With Ayanami, he felt like she understood regardless. She had listened even when nobody else had, and she always seemed to want to support him. Her presence was soothing and graceful.
And he kinda wanted both of that. Which was kinda screwed up.
He sighed and lay down again. Then he snuggled up to Ayanami again, while one hand reached out to Asuka, distantly caressing her face with one finger. He heard Ayanami give a content grunt at the height of his chest and smiled. He would have to sort this all out… eventually. For now, it seemed he could in fact enjoy the presence of both girls, and he would. He continued just looking at them, and smiled.
School. We should go to school. But it was so peaceful and comfortable and warm right now, and they could still comfortably make it. Five to ten minutes more in bed surely wouldn't be a problem…
Ayanami's eyes opened. She looked slightly confused, until she saw Shinji. Her gaze got clearer, and the corner of her lips curled ever so slightly upwards. It was adorable.
"Feeling better?" Shinji whispered, so as to not wake up Asuka.
Rei nodded. "I still don't know… who I am. But it seems less important now."
Shinji was still trying to figure out what that meant, when the door bell rang. Instinctively, he jumped up abruptly. I shouldn't be here! Guilt began flowing through him.
Asuka made some half-awake, half-asleep noises. Shinji sprinted to his trousers to put them on again. Ayanami got up from the futon.
"Hrrrrm..." Asuka complained, without opening her eyes. "Cold!"
Shinji was barely in his trousers when he was already shaking her shoulders. "Come on, Asuka! Someone is ringing the door bell."
"But I want Rei back here," she protested half-asleep.
Shinji shook harder and repeated, almost shouted: "Someone is at the door!"
Finally, Asuka opened her eyes. "Hm? Oh, yeah."
She and Ayanami now got hastily dressed as well. Shinji was too afraid of what could come to shoot any peeks towards them. The door bell rang again.
By the time all three kids came hastily running to the apartment entrance, there also was a banging at the door. With one nervous breathing out, Asuka opened the door.
"Asuka, Rei, finally!" Misato shouted. Then she spotted Shinji. "Shinji, what are you doing here?" She took a step forward and grabbed him by the collar. Immediately, two arms grabbed hers in turn. Ayanami was silent, though part of Shinji's mind still could register that she was acting against a NERV superior, but Asuka definitely was not.
"Calm down, will you, Misato?" she exclaimed. "I called him over. Now let go of him!"
Misato looked in surprise at both her and Rei. Then she grudgingly did so. She folded her arms and tapped her foot. "I await an explanation. Now!"
"Rei… during the night, she started to remember," Asuka explained. "It kinda screwed her up. She wasn't doing well at all, Misato. I didn't know what to do. But she did remember Shinji. So I called him over. And to hell with what you think of 'decency' or 'properness', Rei needed help!"
"And do you plan to do this every time Rei feels bad?" Misato demanded to know.
"If need be," Asuka told her defiantly. "But I doubt it will get so bad that frequently. Rei… trashed the kitchen." That did get the Captain to shoot another surprised looked at the blue-haired girl. "I doubt this will happen that often."
Shinji's heart went faster. Often, Asuka merely lashed out at people, fueled by a life of hurt expectations and abandonment. But if she could focus her inner flame, she was a passionate force to be reckoned with. And Ayanami… he had seen her face when she had caught Misato's arm. All quiet determination. For his sake? With those girls around, he felt… safe.
"So, what did you three do?" Misato inquired further.
"What, you think we stayed up all night sinning?" Asuka countered. Though she obviously wasn't quite as jaded as she presented herself here; a blush spread on her face. "Rei needed our help. So we laid her between ourselves and went to sleep. That's all we did."
Misato's palm went to her face. "But the three of you did sleep on the same futon."
"And it did help!" Asuka claimed. "Rei wasn't shivering anymore, or trashing around, or complaining how her memories don't fit to each other. And goddamnit, I won't have her well-being sacrificed in the name of your phony moral outrage!"
"I'm your and Shinji's guardian," Misato told her quietly, almost softly. "That comes with certain responsibilities. I trust you only wanted to help Rei, that this was your intention, but with you all three lying together… I can't trust it'll stay at that!"
Heat shot into Shinji's face, and Asuka was blushing again as well, though she didn't let that stop her. "Really? And what do you think is the worst that could happen?"
"You know that!" Misato argued.
"I do," Asuka answered. "And I don't see why..."
She was interrupted by a signal coming from four different devices: The angel alarm.
"We'll talk about that later," Misato, now entirely the Captain announced immediately. "You're all dressed? Good. Come. I'll drive you all to NERV. And no funny business on the back seats; Shinji will be with me in the front!"
The four ran down to the parking lot. Another angel attack? So soon? So far, all angels had appeared with at least two weeks between them. This one came barely five days after the last one. I don't want to fight yet again! Five days ago, Shinji's EVA had nearly mauled Touji. Who knew what this angel would bring? Shinji felt an incredible anxiety. But there was nothing to be done: He had to fight.
The Renault Alpine got into motion. And shortly before it reached the nearest entrance to the Geofront, Shinji could see the angel floating in the air: A revolving white and black striped ball.