It is recommended that you read Life During Wartime, a canon side-story to NME, before continuing to this chapter, as the events there are now becoming relevant. So to speak, LDW is being re-absorbed by NME. The Mana, Kensuke and Kaworu PoV segments of the chapter were written by Alex, the author of LDW. Say hi to him ;)
Asuka groaned.
Finally, she opened her eyes. She noticed that outside, the sun hadn't fully risen yet and that she was breathing heavily. Verdammt. The AC must have given up the ghost again. They were lucky the apartment had one of course. Both in Japan and Germany, ACs in private homes were rather rare. In Japan, however, that number had constantly risen ever since Second Impact. Summer now reigned here year round and the economy was getting on its feet again. And Tokyo-3 had always gotten the best of the best during its construction.
I'm sweaty all over. It was nice to wake up and feel Rei's head nuzzled somewhere into her side… she looked at the blue-haired girl tenderly and hoped she wouldn't be woken up by this… it was a constant nice reminder that she was not lonely anymore, that she didn't need to struggle anymore, that she had found a safe harbour. And she loved her and Shinji. But gottverdammt, there are drawbacks to it. All three sleeping together sounded nice on paper, and it often was, but the Japanese perma-summer had a way to ruin this romantic fantasy.
And as for Shinji… silent coughing drew Asuka's attention to him. After their current state of affairs had become permanent, they had laid a second futon next to Asuka's, to give everyone more space. Asuka now caught Shinji on the other one, removing something from his mouth. He noticed her look. "Your hair… it's everywhere!" he whispered.
Asuka smiled as she lay back again. As inconvenient as it may be at times, she had her two partners here, and that was all that mattered. To be, quite literally, surrounded by them. To be able to face all the crap life was throwing at them together…
All that crap… being abandoned… the angel battles… our EVAs are living beings… dolls…
She began to drift off again. Piloting a living being… strange. They knew I could… they chose me to pilot the very unit Mama had her accident in… just like Shinji. The unit his mother… EVA-01 absorbed his mother. And he was called to pilot it. They knew he'd be able to… She wasn't really having coherent thoughts. Being half-asleep again, it was more like meandering dream logic. Yui Ikari… never seen again. The grave is empty. My mother survived, but… only cared for the doll… loved 'Asuka', but meant the doll… loved Asuka… loved… like… like the voices inside EVA-02…
...the voices inside EVA-02…
In a sudden move, Asuka sat up straight. She felt like her heart had to burst. "Mama!" she shouted. "Mama!"
She had to… she had to… she didn't even know herself. Had to do something. Had to scream it out to the world. Had to see EVA-02 right now. The world seemed to spin around her. She crawled over to Shinji and shook him.
"Shinji! Shinji, wake up! Oh mein Gott… you… you won't… you can't…"
Groggily and irritatingly slowly, Shinji sat up. From behind her, Asuka could hear Rei making some confused sounds. "Ah… Asuka..." Shinji stuttered.
"I know who is in our Evangelions!" Asuka exclaimed. "Our mothers!"
Shinji blinked. Then it seemed to sink in. "What?"
Without awaiting further reactions from him and still way too frantic to sit still, Asuka turned around towards Rei. "You're awake, Rei? Rei! The EVAs, they..."
"I heard," Rei simply answered calmly… then crawled over to Asuka and caught her in a hug. Both of them were sweaty and kinda icky, but it didn't matter. Rei was here. Asuka breathed out. The blue-haired girl looked her in the eyes and asked, "Do you really believe that?" There were so many things to say, so much to explain, but if Asuka were to open her mouth now it would all just burst forth uncontrollably. So she just nodded. "Then I'm glad for you. Your mother is still alive."
Alive… That was the ultimate conclusion from it. Mama is alive… An Evangelion now, sure, but not dead. And an Evangelion that had been a part of her life for years now. She never truly left me… Asuka couldn't move, couldn't think of anything else, couldn't do anything. She was just too captivated by that one thought. Not abandoned…
Rei crawled over further to Shinji and hugged him, too. "And yours isn't, either."
Shinji buried his head into Rei's shoulder, gripped her hard as if to draw in some strength or stability, and then let go of her out, breathed out and exclaimed, "But I don't understand!"
Asuka breathed and ran her hands through her hair. "It all makes sense! Your mother was… was absorbed by the EVA, and years later you were called in to pilot it. They knew you would be able to. I was recruited to pilot the very machine where my mother..." She stopped abruptly. "She went insane in there. And then I piloted it. Rei said you need soul to soul synchronization, right? But apparently not everyone can synch with the souls inside the Evangelions. They need us. So why us specifically? The kids of the scientists who designed the Evangelions? The kids of the mothers who… were lost to the Evangelions? And why did they immediately know we could do it?"
"But… but…" Shinji stuttered. "I mean… it makes sense, but that doesn't show…"
"And I heard her!" Asuka exclaimed now. "I heard… I heard Mama! The voice inside EVA-02. Or voices, whatever. But they… they loved me." She began to shiver despite the heat in the room.
Shinji still had trouble taking this all in. "But… if they knew we'd be able to pilot… because of that… then… then… they don't only know about the souls. But also which souls!"
"Of course!" Asuka exclaimed, a further realization coming to her. "Akagi's insistence to save EVA-01 at all costs… if your father, the Commander of NERV, knows who's really inside that unit… who is that unit…"
Now the realization seemed to finally reach Shinji. He began to stare into nothingness. "Mother..." he whispered.
"I think I heard her," Rei spoke up quietly now. She had carefully watched her two partners, but seemed unsure what to do now.
"Huh?" Shinji made.
"Your mother," Rei explained. "While I was inside the angel designated Leliel. While I… talked with it. Someone else spoke. It must have been her."
"So… Mother is alive…" Shinji whispered. Then he caught himself. "But… but that means… we're sending them into battle! Our mothers! We control them and move them and they have no freedom…"
Asuka almost leaped from her position to catch Shinji by his shoulders. "But they're alive! We never… we never lost them!" She hesitated. "Being an Evangelion is bad, admittedly, but… it beats being dead, doesn't it?"
Shinji nodded ponderously, as if he still had to think this over. "Mother..." he whispered again.
Asuka felt overwhelmed – almost giddy. Mama… Mama… Mama… She thought her mother had left her, had turned towards that damn doll and then abandoned her. She had blamed herself for that, she had sworn to herself not to let herself be affected by people again, she had thought she could live just for herself. And now…
She could only guess what Shinji was feeling right now. Maybe she would have felt a bit about sparing such little thought for him, on leaving a partner alone with such an important issue… but she was far too overwhelmed by her own. It took hold of her entire mind. Then again, it was two times the same issue.
"I'm happy for you two," Rei spoke up softly. "You still have your mothers."
That did draw Asuka's attention, and Shinji's as well. The boy laid a hand on Rei's shoulder. "I… I'm sorry you… don't. If I just think about… about still having Mother… I dimly remember she meant everything to me. And now it's like… I have her back. But you… you never had that feeling to begin with, did you? That's… that's…" Unconsciously, Shinji kept clenching and unclenching his other hand.
"No," Rei confirmed. "I never did." It sounded so hollow and lost that Asuka scuttled forwards to her. But after a pause, the blue-haired girl continued, "But it doesn't matter. Even so, I know love."
Shinji rubbed her back, and Asuka took her hand between hers. "You do," Shinji whispered. Asuka smiled. It was always so cute to see those two interacting, and she just knew, saw it right now in fact, that she wouldn't be excluded from this.
I have Rei… I have Shinji… and I have Mama. It was… baffling. The world had done a one-eighty since her arrival in Japan. Not that this would stop her from nagging about all the annoying details about life in this country and about NERV's idiocy, but… I'm not alone. I was never alone. That realization by itself… it was almost like a religious revelation.
"Now..." she whispered. It sounded almost hoarse. "Now we just need to survive the war. All of us. Us three, and the Evangelions… our mothers. It sucks that they're Evangelions now, that NERV is doing those things to them, but… we can get out of this alright!" She sounded ever more excited now. "If we all survive the war… we can have families again! You as well, Rei." She smirked. "I think Mama will like you."
"But… they have no bodies," Shinji protested. "Or, uh, no human ones. They're… they're Evangelions now."
"But NERV can create bodies," Rei pointed out. She spoke very quietly, but immediately had her partners' attention. "And can transfer souls to them. This is my third body already."
Asuka nodded vigorously. "And they drew half your soul out of an Evangelion! It's possible!" She laughed, and it sounded almost hysterically. "It can all be… it can all return to how it was! It can all get better again!"
Shinji blinked. "Seeing Mother again… and… and having Mother around. And you two as well. That would be..." Single tears begin glistering in his eyes.
Asuka leaped forwards and grabbed both him and Rei in an embrace. They all tumbled down onto the futons. She laughed. She acutely felt the heat of the room again, but it didn't matter. "We can have it all!" She laughed again, and then sat up, looking down at her partners. "Whenever we synch with them… we'll be nice. We know they're there. We can… we can let them sense what we feel. And once this war is over, we're getting them back!"
Both Shinji and Rei were still on the ground. Shinji now looked Rei deep in the eyes and said, "Uh… you'll pilot, most likely. Please… please be nice to my mother, yes?"
"Of course," Rei answered. "It is your mother. The mother of someone I love."
Shinji smiled at her. Asuka grinned. "It's just too bad that we don't directly synch with our units during the test today. I really want to. Want to synch with my unit… with Mama."
It was Tuesday again and Kensuke was feeling very mixed about matters. It seemed that Hikari was treating him and Kaworu better, even pleasantly chatting with the two before class. Kensuke was sure this was Touji's work, no matter how much he might deny it. Even if it was slightly forced, Kensuke conceded that he was happy to be able to relax a bit without fear of being pounced on by the girl, especially since it seemed that the class followed Hikari's suit in the matter. I guess being the class rep is not a title as empty as I thought. Or perhaps it was Hikari herself? She always did seem to go the extra mile for the kids in class. It made sense that people respected her.
Kensuke sighed. The truth of the matter was obvious – the longer Mana was gone the harder things became. This was not helped by the information Kaworu had told him after his boyfriend's clandestine meeting with the NERV spy. It felt bizarre to Kensuke, to be involved in something like this now.
A sudden beeping coming from Kaworu's pocket brought Kensuke out of his ruminations. Who is texting him at this hour? Kaworu seemed surprised as well but intrigued. Is it something to do with Mana? Kensuke looked over at his boyfriend, who had put the phone away and was currently chatting with Touji about something. He seemed to be feeling better. Kaworu had told him that the pilots had come to terms with Command over some of the issues they were having. Kensuke was glad for multiple reasons. He was grateful that they apparently were going to be treated with more respect, but a selfish part of him was also grateful that the organization dedicated to defending the city was no longer at war with itself.
Class had officially started, but most students were still chatting and getting ready. It usually took their teacher several minutes to complete his daily fight with the laptop system, so they all had some wiggle room. Kensuke shrugged as he looked at the door. It seemed neither Mana nor the other pilots were going to be coming today.
Their teacher addressed the class as he finished fumbling with the machine in front of him. "Ah, that should do it." He pressed a button on his own laptop and each screen in the class lit up with their biology text. "Now remember," he droned. "If your partner for the assignment has left the city or otherwise can no longer contribute due to complications, please see me after class and we can work out an alternative going forward." He cleared his throat audibly "Now back to where we left off, on the former bonobo apes of the Congo, they were..."
The teacher's lesson was interrupted by the door opening to reveal a very bedraggled Mana. Kensuke instinctively got up, and he wasn't alone. Kaworu had also gotten out of his seat at the arrival. Both were compelled to rush over for comfort and for answers, but that was stopped by a look from Mana pleading to not make a scene.
"Ah, Miss Kirishima, good to have you back. We were worried you were gone for good. Please collect your device and take a seat. I am sure Miss Horaki will be able to fill you in on what you have missed."
Kensuke had to restrain himself as Mana made her way to her desk. She was very much the worse for wear. Her face seemed gaunt – Kensuke guessed from lack of sleep – and she wobbled when she walked. Her appearance earned her a few odd looks, but Kensuke assumed this was due to her wrinkled and misaligned uniform rather than out of some genuine concern.
Are we all so blind? Or have we all gotten so used to ignoring things around us because it's easier than facing them? Kensuke looked to Kaworu for his reaction to the scene. It shocked him to see the carefree and warm expression he was used to gone, replaced by cold anger.
It was impossible for Kensuke to do the work he was assigned that morning for any real length of time. His mind was constantly struggling to force down feelings of concern and desperation. Is she alright? Kensuke thought as he scrolled through his algebra assignment. What did they do to her? And will she trust me enough to tell me? After working up his nerve he tried to contact her through the messaging system, but was only given a short reply that they would talk at lunch.
Kensuke sighed. At least that was something, wasn't it? He looked over again to Kaworu to gauge his reaction but the boy seemed lost in thought. Touji for his part seemed to sense the waves of anxiety coming off of Kensuke and sent him a worried message over the laptop. This made Kensuke feel terrible – not only was he unable to help Mana, he was also forced to lie to his friend about the situation.
When twelve o'clock came around, Kensuke was ready to fly out of his chair, but was stopped by Kaworu's hand on his shoulder. There had been the tentative idea to have lunch with Touji and Hikari, as a way to close the rift between them. Instead, the two quietly excused themselves from the couple and went over to where Mana was sitting in an outwardly calm appearing manner, even if they didn't feel that way at all.
The same seemed to be true for Mana. It appeared that she was trying with some difficulty to hold herself together. Noticing the two she smiled, albeit weakly. "Kensuke, Kaworu there you are. It's good to see you. I'm sorry I..." She turned quiet as she fumbled for words "I have been very sick this past week. I hope you will forgive me." The words seemed painful to say.
"Mana..." Kensuke started, not sure how to continue. It suddenly seemed so silly. They had been doing all this guessing based on a few scars seen in the rain, after all. Some part of Kensuke would have preferred that they were wrong, even if that had to mean Mana had simply avoided them. Kensuke would infinitely prefer Mana was safe and without him to her being in danger and with him. "We know about the chip," he finally managed in a soft tone.
A dozen emotions crossed Mana's face but it eventually settled on quiet concern. The mask of the happy giggling girl melted for a moment "We should talk in private," she said, standing up.
It was a slow march from the classroom to the roof, and not just because of Mana's slow pace. It seemed none of the three was too anxious to hear or speak the truth. The tension in the air was palpable. No one had suggested their destination, but there seemed to be a kind of silent communication between the trio. They seemed to be drawn to where they had made there agreement to try.
As she held onto the railing of the stairwell, Mana felt her stomach tumble. This was it, this was the moment she had been dreading. Some part of her knew that this dream would eventually break, that she would have to wake up and return to her duty. She had no illusions of what was about to happen. After everything she had done and all the lies she had told, Mana knew they would never be able to look at her with anything but hate. But even as it hurt her to think about, Mana did not regret the relationship. For a brief moment in time she had been normal, she had loved and had been loved in return. For two weeks I had roses, and that is far more than someone like me deserves.
The sunlight that glared down on the roof was almost overbearing. But it felt right to be here, to end it where it had begun in earnest. She stood across from the two boys. None of them said a word for a moment until Mana gathered the courage. It would do best to hear what they had figured out first and then fill in the rest. There were some things that Mana wanted to go into as little detail as possible. "So," she said flatly, trying to keep her cool. "What do you guys know?"
And so Kaworu and Kensuke began to explain what they had figured out and what they suspected. Some of it was hearsay and some was it was right on the mark. Kensuke also had a few wild theories to throw in the mix that she had to force herself not to chuckle at. Mana could not help but notice tho that Kaworu seemed to consciously not reveal where some of the information had come from. The message was clear. He doesn't trust me. And how could he? It was clear she had been lying to them, so it was no surprise that they didn't trust her with their sources. When they were done, Kaworu and Kensuke fell silent, their words still hanging in the air between them.
Mana took a deep breath and sighed. The least they deserved was the truth. "You're right about the chip and about the JSSDF. The truth is that I have been lying to you from the beginning." She felt terrible saying it, to admit to her betrayal and her manipulation, but continued. "Ever since I was a child I have been a weapon and a tool for the JSSDF..."
Mana remembered that night when the three of them had been snatched by the JSSDF. It had seemed like salvation at first. They were given food and warm beds and clean clothes. They had teachers and nannies and doctors, and all those teachers, nannies and doctors asked in return was that they do the tests, to give some blood here or there, to do what what they were told. But the gifts and the smiles held a darker purpose. While they were all friendly and warm when the kids cooperated, Mana had learned in great detail the consequences for disobedience. By the time they had come to them about the chip, Mana had known it was far too late to do anything about it. Military people had come to them proudly, saying that it would be a great honor. That the kids would be great heroes fighting for their country. They had gone along at first, but when they learned the extent to which they would go and objected... punishments ensued.
"Originally I was supposed to be a pilot for one of the JSSDF war machines..." Kensuke seemed to want to say something at this, but stayed silent to continue to hear Mana out. "But when my body rejected the chip, I was trained in infiltration..." If you can call molesting me and teaching me to be a sweet stupid perfect little girl training. Mana's stomach lurched at the thought "And that was why I was sent to Tokyo-3, to monitor and control the Third Child, Shinji Ikari."
When Mana saw a look of confusion on the boys' faces, she explained, "Unlike the rest of the pilots at the time I was sent," She motioned to Kaworu. "Shinji Ikari was scooped off the street with no formal training or experience and given control over one of the most powerful weapons on Earth. The JSSDF considered his position to be at best an unstable element and at worst a catastrophic risk." Mana swallowed hard "And that was where I came in. I was instructed to get as close to Shinji as possible and manipulate him for the JSSDF..."
Mana's stomach churned again. It was deeper than that, they had specifically instructed her to seduce the boy. However, she could not admit to that, not on top of everything else. The thought made her nauseous, at herself and her command. After a moment she continued, "Everything I did, even going on that city tour with you, Kaworu, that... that led to so much more. It was all in the name of my mission. I was using you to get to Shinji. It was never real." Saying the words hurt Mana more than she could imagine. But she felt it was necessary, as she did not deserve them or their love. She deserved all the hate and scorn they could give her. Maybe they could be happy with each other if she pushed them away .
Mana looked at the two, they were stunned. Kensuke seemed to be frantically searching for words while Kaworu stood silent in defeat. The air between them felt rotten. The boys were clearly appalled by what they had heard. Mana began to shiver under their gaze. How much of their reaction was based on what she did and how much was for what was done to her she could only guess.
Kaworu was the first to speak. His face was full of concern. "Mana, I..."
"You're wrong!" Mana and Kaworu turned to to face Kensuke, who had made the outburst. He was shaking. "Even if you're right about everything else." Kensuke swallowed hard "Because I love you! And I need to believes some part of you loves me, too. Even if everything else was a lie, when I kissed you... I knew I felt something back."
Mana's voice got caught in her throat. Does this mean...? "Kensuke, Kaworu... don't you understand? I lied to you. I used you. I..." Mana couldn't hold the tears back. "I am not who you think I am! I don't deserve this."
Kensuke looked like he was going to try again but Kaworu stepped forward, trying to project his usual warm smile "None of us are who we want to be... I know that more than most. What was done to you was monstrous but that does not make you a monster." Kaworu shifted a bit at this "And it does not change the way Kensuke or I feel about you."
Kaworu's words seared deep into Mana. Why did they have to make this so difficult? Why did they have to be so good? "I... I can't. As long as I am a weapon, as long as I belong to them, I can't. I can never be..." Mana did know what to say. Be yours? Be free? Be happy? Be alive? In truth it was all true, as long as she was a tool of the JSSDF, Mana could be nothing else.
Kensuke's reaction was an immediate "Then don't! You don't have to be what they want you to be!"
Mana looked at the two of them. "What are you two saying?"
"Come with us, Mana." Kensuke looked at her warmly his eyes wet himself. "We'll get you out of there, if you want. Please let us help you. Even if you want nothing to do with us..."
Kaworu nodded. A deep intensity uncharacteristic of the boy displayed on his features. "You deserve so much more than what was given to you. You deserve to be free."
"But the JSSDF..." Mana sputtered.
At this Kaworu became enraged. "Fuck the JSSDF!" Taking a moment to calm himself after the outburst Kaworu continued, "Mana, I swear that as long as I live I will not let those bastards touch you."
Kensuke felt a little useless compared to the pilot but stepped in anyway. "Me too, I promise I will do everything I can. For whatever that is worth." He smiled weakly. "You're worth it."
Mana was overwhelmed. She tried to think of something big and grand to say. Some way to express her gratitude and her feelings but all she could muster was to stumble into their arms. "Thank you," she cried as they held her. She felt light, like a wound she had had so long she forgot what it was like without it had been healed.
They sat there in the sun for a while, Kaworu and Kensuke planting sweet kisses as they wiped away her tears. When she was ready, Mana looked at the two of her loves and smiled "I do want to be with you. You two... you have given me more than happiness, more than love. You gave me hope."
Eventually, Kaworu sighed and urged the three to their feet. "We never gave you hope, Mana, the best we ever did was show you what you had within you already. However... I am afraid we have more practical concerns now. We have to get you somewhere safe."
Mana looked puzzled, for all her life nowhere had been beyond the JSSDF's reach. "Where?"
Kensuke spoke up. "You can stay at my place. I am not much of a host but..."
Kaworu smiled. "For now I think we should go to my apartment. Even if the JSSDF follow us the place is guarded by Section 2 agents. Even the JSSDF would be cautious before outright moving against NERV."
Kensuke looked concerned, the reality of the situation hitting him. "For now? What about long term? How are we going to protect her?"
Kaworu looked desperate. "Let's just focus on getting Mana far away from those bastards for now." He shook his head. "We can figure out the rest later."
Kensuke still seemed concerned but let the matter drop. Mana on the other hand was in a sort of daze. She had not let herself dare to dream about anything like this in a long, long time. And now that it was happening... It was almost too much to take. "What about school?"
Kaworu smiled. "I think we have much bigger problems to deal with than the possibility of detention. And besides, I am sure the class rep would understand," He looked in Mana's eyes. "If it was someone she loved."
Mana blushed at the words as the three of them quietly made their way out of the back of the school, trying to dodge suspicion. She was tired and she was hungry, her muscles ached and her head spun but as Mana held onto her loves hands as they made their break, she knew she had never felt better.
Misato's face showed no emotion. In a weird way, that was good, though. It showed that she took the news seriously. She treated it like battlefield information, and hence behaved like on the battlefield.
"I can see why you wanted to see me before the synch-test," she told the pilots. She sat at the kitchen table in what had become 'the pilots' apartment', while said pilots were standing around it. They still had way too much energy to sit down. "But Asuka… you realize your conclusions so far are purely speculative?"
"But they fit!" Asuka almost shouted and slammed her hand on the table. "All of them!"
"I'm not saying they don't," Misato told her. It sounded calm… almost dangerously calm. That made Asuka finally stand still. "But so far there is no confirmation of your conclusion."
"There can only be once we synch with our units again!" Asuka pointed out. "Only when we have a battle, or an activation test or a cross-synch test…" She paused. "...you don't think Akagi could arrange this today?"
"If your theory is correct, then Akagi…" Misato breathed out, a marked break from her hard professional mask maintained so far in this conversation. Shinji could sympathize. "…has always been in the know. She would get suspicious of any such requests. And ironically, we destroyed the chances of her doing scientific tests pretty thoroughly. She has to assume she won't get volunteers for it, as is necessary now, so why should she go through the humiliation of trying and failing to get them?" Asuka thumped on the table again, a gesture of pure frustration. "It appears your next chance at synchronization will only be once the next angel comes."
Shinji looked down. He knew what that meant for him. He realized he wouldn't be fighting against an angel anymore. He knew he just couldn't anymore, that all the fight in him had been spent up. Even with the prospect of feeling his mother again, the very thought of facing an angel again, of looking death and despair directly in the face… it just filled him with so much dread. He had slowly come to terms with the sheer guilt he was feeling about this, this guilt of leaving the fighting to Rei, who had already suffered so much in life… he was coming to grips with it now, realizing that nobody would be helped if he shattered due to all the fighting. But now it seemed that fact meant he wouldn't get to feel his mother again.
And Asuka was realizing that as well. "That just won't do! What about Shinji? I mean, Rei can reach out to Ms Ikari as well, but Shinji should get some contact with her!"
"And how do you plan to do that without tipping your hand?" Misato asked. "Asuka… if they have kept this secret all this time, even from their Operations Director…" She shook her head. "We can't reveal that we know. NERV… NERV is a darker and more dangerous place than I had first assumed."
"It can't be helped," Shinji whispered. "I have accepted that."
Asuka's realization had left Shinji confused and disoriented. For ten years now he had basically accepted that everyone had abandoned him, that he had nobody on this world. He did have Asuka and Rei now, of course, but those had been new arrivals in his life. He had been sure that, before that, there was nothing. He did not have a family. For ten years that had been one of the certainties of his life.
So now, he didn't know what to think. The very prospect that his mother could return to him… He realized he resisted this thought. He didn't want hope to come up. Didn't want to set himself up for later disappointment again. And besides, it's not like I can still synch with her anyway. He was glad his mother wasn't dead, but that was all.
Asuka grunted. "You'd think they'd let us do a direct synch to our units on demand if we so wished. I mean, with all we're doing." She scoffed.
"They would," Rei spoke up now. "But they would wonder why. If the Commander suspects anything, things could turn bad."
And if anyone would know about him, it's Rei. The girl seemed confident in her knowledge of him. What sort of man do I have as a father? He had disavowed him as family already, but it was in fact the Commander's blood flowing through his veins… it disgusted him.
"I will follow whatever course you decide on," Misato told the pilots evenly. "But I strongly recommend against any action that would tip our hands."
"Very well…" Asuka conceded. Then she turned to face Shinji. "It seems you'll have to wait. But don't worry. We'll get her out of there. Just like with Rei."
Misato emitted a vague sound that might have been a chuckle. When that drew the pilots' attention, she explained. "It's all so strange. Rei is a clone, this is her third body already… your mothers are Evangelions… and yet you seem to take this all in stride."
Asuka grunted again. "Not like we have a choice."
"You did," Rei argued softly. "You didn't need to accept me."
"Not like we had a choice," Shinji repeated firmly. This was one of the few things where he could and would always stand firmly without any doubt. His mother was probably out of his reach now; he had accepted that with his typical fatalism. But Rei – that was an issue where he still could do something about. So he would.
Misato smiled faintly. "Very well. It seems for now there's nothing we can do based on this new information…"
"We have to tell the others," Asuka interrupted her. When everyone turned to her with a questioning look on their faces, she explained, "If I can pilot because it's my mother's soul inside my unit, and the same is true for Shinji… surely the same is true for Touji and Kaworu then!"
"We don't know the circumstances of their selection as pilots," Misato cautioned her. "And your reasoning is slightly circular. You already wanted to prove that it's your mothers' souls in those units by your ability to pilot, and now want to prove that it's the soul of the pilot's mother in their unit by their ability to pilot."
"Yes, thanks, I had logic classes," Asuka reminded her. Shinji meanwhile had trouble following that argument. "But it would fit into the general pattern, wouldn't it?"
"Touji's mother is dead," Shinji spoke up now. It sounded hollow. He remembered how his friend had told him that, one day. Touji had been very upset back then. Clearly, the death of his mother still was an open wound for him. "Just like our mothers."
"There you have it!" Asuka exclaimed. "They have a right to know! They have a right to even only know about a possibility of it."
"And so you want to tell them now, at the synch-test," Misato concluded.
"Yes?" Asuka replied in a somewhat aggressive 'So what?' tone.
"At the synch-test," Misato repeated drily. "Surrounded by NERV personnel and equipment. Inside NERV headquarters. Which is in turn inside NERV's very own geofront."
Asuka gnashed her teeth. "You could have made that point in a simpler way."
"You're right, Asuka, they do deserve to know," Misato admitted. "So if you want to tell them, I won't stop you, and will simply try to protect you from any fallout. But once again, I'd strongly recommend not giving anything away."
Asuka stomped the ground with her foot. "Verdammte Scheiße..." She breathed out in exasperation. "So we now know this big goddamn thing but can't do anything with it."
"Yes. But at least now you do know your mothers are still alive," Misato reminded her. She got up from her chair and sighed. "We should go. This is one synch-test we should get to in time."
"I'll come along."
Shinji had a fist clenched and was looking down as he said so, and his voice was empty and emotionless. Nonetheless, he had everyone's attention. His heart began beating hard. This was a big moment he had feared – the moment of decision.
"Are you sure?" Misato asked.
The prospect of going out there again, among people, people who would look at him and judge him and expect things of him… that was frightening. He had found a refuge here, in this apartment, a sanctuary where nothing was demanded of him, where people accepted him, where he could rest. The outside would be completely different from that. If he failed there, people would just abandon him again.
I mustn't run away…
"The test is important, isn't it?" Shinji muttered. "We have to show that we'll keep our end of the bargain…"
Asuka snorted. "And that's exactly why Akagi called it so early. A demonstration of power." Then she walked over to Shinji… at exactly the same time as Rei. Both laid arms around him.
And that was probably the best thing in this… new state of affairs. The sheer safety and support, not having to face all the hardship in the world alone anymore. Shinji liked the physical reassurance, liked to feel the girls' bodies against his, but what was more was what it meant. Though, now that he had begun feel safe, his mind also did routinely wander towards other things to do regarding their bodies… in fact rather frequently over the last week…
The three had discussed this issue before, of course. Both Asuka and Rei had told him that he mattered more than Akagi's power plays, that it didn't matter how important the synch-test was, he was more important. And Shinji was coming around to the thought that for those two, he really was. Because the two girls were both, each for herself, amazing and caring and lovable and standing for everything good in the world. Each of them was far more than Shinji had ever deserved.
He had to go out and face those threats. He had to do it for them. "I'll… do it… somehow," he managed to say. "I mean… it isn't as bad as school, is it? We'll just go in there, hang around in the LCL for an hour, and then leave immediately… right?"
Misato looked at him sternly. "That's what we'll do then. But Shinji… you three are aware you can't appear in the Geofront like… that, right? You said yourselves you need to keep your relationship a secret. In fact, you'll probably need to take care not to stand too close and so on."
Shinji nodded. "It will be enough to know… that we'll be here again. And that even during the test they'll be there."
"You're not entirely right, Misato," Rei spoke up. "Nobody would take notice if Shinji and Asuka were close to each other."
Shinji didn't like the sound of that, but stayed quiet. Will I be so pathetic that we'll have to exclude Rei in public? Asuka didn't stay silent, though. "What are you saying, Rei? We can't just exclude you!"
"I don't mind," Rei said. "You two love each other. I like that. I want you to be happy. Even when I can't contribute to it."
"Still sounds a bit unfair…" Asuka muttered.
"You're one of us," Shinji simply stated.
"And I will be even if we don't always do everything together," Rei argued.
Misato first watched the three… and then turned away, looking in the direction of the apartment entrance.
"I… I don't like the thought that you'll be… disadvantaged just because I'm weak," Shinji argued back.
The ends of Rei's lip went up very slightly. "You will be able to make it up to me afterwards. I do not plan on missing out on Shinji hugs."
"Clever girl," Asuka commented with amusement in her voice. She bent around Shinji, her head in front of him, and pecked Rei on the forehead. "I suppose… if need be I can be there for you, Shinji, yeah. But I'd really like to keep us all… you know… on the same level."
With forced optimism and a weak smile, Shinji offered, "Let's see how this will pan out, shall we? Somehow we… well, I will make it through." He took a step forward, out of the arms of his partners.
Asuka kept a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. "We'll be back here before you know it." As she stood behind him, Shinji couldn't see the grin on her face, but he could hear it in her voice. "Of course… since we are going now… there's something I need to take along."
She ran up to the sleeping room and returned a moment later, carrying a bag over her right shoulder. Misato looked puzzled, but didn't ask. Shinji just grinned weakly. It was one of Asuka's crazy but endearing ideas…
Kaworu walked over to Mana with tea, while she sat down on his couch. Beside her and holding her hand was Kensuke, who seemed almost as much of a bundle of nerves as her.
"I am sorry the place is so plain," Kaworu said, waving an arm around the small, barely lived in flat. "Between synch-tests and school I have not had much opportunity to decorate." He sat down on Mana's opposite side and handed her the mug.
The girl seemed to have largely gotten over the initial shock of her escape. However, it was clear that it was being replaced by a seeping sense of dread. Kaworu did not blame her. Some part of him knew how rash this was. He was making an enemy of an entire army and that not just for himself. He knew that this action put far more risk on the heads of those who did not posses a powerful AT field and a fruit of life. It would be people like Kensuke and his father, like Kaji and and the Suzuharas who would take the brunt of any attack. And yet when he saw Mana drink deeply from her cup and lean into the two of them with a smile, he knew it was the right choice.
Kensuke smiled at Kaworu's comment. "Well that and you were at my place every chance you got last week."
That snapped Mana to attention. During her week testing and piloting it had been a comfort to her to imagine what Kaworu and Kensuke were doing. Trying to get at least a dash of normalcy, Mana smiled and perked up. "Besides you two playing heroes, what did I miss last week?"
Kensuke looked over to Kaworu, thinking about the boy's own revelation. An alien and a secret agent. Kensuke almost smiled at the thought. How the hell did I end up here? A quick look by Kaworu told Kensuke what he already felt: That can of worms could come later. For now they should just focus on Mana. Running through the week in his mind, Kensuke tried to pull highlights from his memory. "Well, there was a bit of a thing with Hikari early in the week. Kaworu helped his fellow pilots negotiate with NERV about better treatment," Kensuke blushed as his mind made its way to that Sunday afternoon with Kaworu. "There, ah, was one other thing..."
"Hmm?" Mana intoned as she snuggled into the two of them. "What are you... Oh, I see it!" Mana was almost giddy as she pointed to the white ball of fuzz that was coming out of Kaworu's room. No doubt it wondered who all these odd people were and if they had brought food. "You got a cat!" Mana cooed as she got up and ran over to the little beast, then hesitated. "Can I pick her up?"
Kaworu looked down at the furry monster and then at Mana. "I don't see why not. The little gal loves attention. Just be careful with her front right paw. When I found her, she was limping with it and while now she seems better, she still does not put her full weight on it."
Tentatively, Mana reached down and scooped up the feline. Grinning, she turned to Kaworu. "What's her name?"
The question struck Kaworu. For some reasonm he had never thought to give the thing a name. She certainly seemed content without one. Perhaps it was a lilim urge? To control and to conquer by examination and identification. The Fruit of Knowledge – the endless drive to know more and understand. It inevitably brought confusion, disappointment and sorrow but it also brought drive and progress and passion. "I didn't see a point. It's not like she comes when I call."
Mana frowned at that. "She should have a name. She deserves one." She looked at Kaworu and Kensuke with a questioning face. "Any preferences?"
Kensuke laughed. "You'd be better at that than me. If you left it up to me, I'd name jer after a battleship or something."
Mana thought for a moment, then smiled deeply. "How about 'Hope'? I think we could all use more of that these days."
Kensuke laughed. "Sounds wonderful. Can I see the little girl?" Mana brought the now purring kitten to where Kensuke and Kaworu were sitting.
But before Kaworu could scratch the kitten's ear, he was pulled away by the sound of his cellphone on the counter. Knowing that it could be critically important, Kaworu got up to check who it was. Looking at the number on the screen he saw it was Touji. The Fourth Child was no doubt wondering where Kaworu, Kensuke and Mana had disappeared to.
"Hello, Touji. I..." The gruff boy's voice spoke into his ear. "Yeah, Kensuke, Mana and I are fine, we just..." What was that expression again? "... yeah we played hookie." Touji laughed in his ear and told him Hikari had a scolding for the three waiting for them the next day. He commented that he sure hoped Kaworu would at least come to the synch-test… which made Kaworu sit up in shock. That was today wasn't it? Kaworu cursed his forgetfulness and assured him he would be there, then hung up.
It was unlike him to forget something so important but lately he found it was difficult to focus. The last few days and their events had left him... rattled. It was a very new feeling. He was used to an almost serene, aloof joy that pervaded his life before he had cime to Japan. He glanced over to Mana and Kensuke, who were sitting on the couch, playing with Hope. Was this the cost of bonds of the soul? That he would become of the world and not just in it?
Grabbing his keys and identification from the counter, Kaworu headed toward the door. Kensuke, who had overheard the call stood by, scowling. "I can't believe you're leaving. I thought you said you wouldn't abandon Mana – and now you go?"
Kaworu sighed, furrowing his brow. "Kensuke, we must avoid drawing attention at any cost. And if I don't go to this test this is exactly what will happen. It is a very critical test for the pilots and for Command. If I do not go, it could jeopardize something incredibly important. And don't worry – this place will still be observed and protected by Section 2 while I am gone." He took Kensuke's hands in his. "I need to do this. I promise I will be back as soon as I can."
Kaworu did not hear Mana close in behind them, placing her hands on top of the other two. "Go," Mana nodded to Kaworu. "Do what you have to do. Besides..." A wicked smile formed on her face "I think I have proven to be able to defend myself."
Kensuke smiled and nodded with Mana. The three shared one final silent moment together before Kaworu bid them farewell and headed off toward the Geofront, his head heavy with worry.