Determined to Fall

Cora confided in them about the Drowned Gods and how they started calling her from the moment that she arrived in the Moors. It was faint at first, but the longer the group stayed, the stronger the pull became. When the group had to travel to the port town to speak with the faction representative, the Gods call became impossible to resist. They were travelling to the ocean anyways, and while they weren't her Gods, they were still Drowned Gods that would welcome her to their ranks. Even if she wouldn't be a mermaid, she could have lived the rest of her life in the water, as she needed. If it wasn't for Jack's bargain with Gideon, the Gods' vassal on land, Cora would have stayed.

It was a Wicked world for a reason. The Gods, and the leaders of any faction, always take what they can. They won't give back without some form of bargain or payment. The Gods like to trade in deals and favours, since the ocean doesn't need much in the way of material goods. In this case, they traded her life for a temporary alliance and the promise to return the balance between the vampire and mad scientist. Cora still didn't know how to feel about that.

Was she worth it? It meant that Jack could never leave the Moors again. She wouldn't be able to leave the windmill and the castle town owned by the vampire lord without breaking the agreement. She understood that the bargain was one person's freedom for another, and that Jack would have wanted to stay there anyways, but she couldn't quite understand why her freedom was worth bargaining for in the first place. Surely Jack could have worked out a bargain that ensured her more favours or wealth or opportunities in the future. What was the point in saving her at all?

What did that accomplish when the Drowned Gods still whispered in her ear and haunted her dreams with nightmares of the wrong ocean stealing her away. She might look strong to them, but she didn't know how long she could last against the will of the Gods. How long would saying "no" work? She should be dead twice already. Once on Earth and once again in the Moors. How many chances did she have left? Should she just cut her losses? Could she even live at the school without going crazy? This school allowed for freedom to either find a way home or learn to live with the experiences. The sister school, Whitehorn, helped Door travelers to forget.

Cora loved the Trenches, but if she couldn't go back, she thought it might be best for her to let herself forget. Her parents would sign the transfer if she asked.

Frisk stayed silent, leaning into Cora as she talked about the consequences that the quest had left her with. For some reason, sitting in a pile of dirty clothes on the floor felt better than considering moving up to the bed. The sentiments she shared were easy for them to understand. Hadn't they thought similar things at one point? After coming back, only to regret their choice, they couldn't deny the stray thoughts asking why. They couldn't help but wonder if Asgore's life was worth their freedom either. If the freedom of an entire race was worth their own. They didn't think so. How could one random child measure up to a king? To thousands of people? Who had the right to place value on one soul against others? There wasn't a correct answer.

As she spoke, Frisk watched her soul grow dimmer. The orange was still there, but her soul was dull, like dried dollar store paint. Her scales were barely there at all under skin. She was supposed to be a brave soul, but she was on the verge of giving up.

It wasn't something they had considered before, but a dull soul looked strange and terrible to them. All the souls in this school were so lively and bright that Cora's dull one stood out in a bad way now.

Frisk did the only thing they could. Maybe it was hypocritical, but they tried to restore some of that hope to renew her brave spirit. "You're not alone. You have friends to help you beat those gods back. Kade and Christopher and Sumi are all willing to help, I'm sure. And Kade's a brave soul too. If you asked, he'd probably be willing to be brave for you until you could do it yourself."

Cora snorted, "He's too busy pining after a statue to look at me. We could be good friends, I think, but I'm not willing to push those boundaries. Something tells me he's not ready for anyone to get that close to him, even if it's not romantic."

"You've got me though. I can't do much, but I can listen or distract you if you need it. I do understand how you're feeling. As much as I don't want to." Frisk offered.

"Maybe." Cora said, without much inflection. "I think I'm all talked out for now, though. Could you tell me about how you found your Door? For real this time?"

"Um…" Frisk looked at the floor and eased off of Cora just a bit. They were still touching shoulders, but there was no weight behind it anymore.

Cora leaned into them for support instead. "Turnabout is fair play, right?" She asked tonelessly.

"I… spoke about it twice, but it seems to get harder, not easier." Frisk said, swallowing the painful lump in their throat. They weren't sure how long their voice would last.

"My parents… they tried to make me normal. Said I could be their perfect little girl. I didn't have to define my femininity with dresses and makeup and stuff if I didn't want to. I could like reading and climbing and running around and still be a good girl. But I'm not a girl and they… my mom… she didn't get that. They were going to send me away to a camp to make me think and act like I was a girl, so I ran away. They love me and they did it help. But that help was wrong."

Frisk too a few breaths to try to settle their nerves. "I saved up my allowance for weeks. I bought basic camping supplies for a week outside, and looked up which buses were cheap and would get me to a place I could hide away for a while. On the day…"

They coughed to clear their throat. The lump in their throat was making it harder to breathe, not just talk. Still, they persevered. "I lied. I said I made friends. I pretended my bullies were meeting me at some store for shopping or something and left. Gave me a few hours head start. It was early. I snuck all my gear out in a large backpack while they were busy with breakfast.

"My plan worked. I made it to the national park and started climbing the mountain. I slept under bushes and trees, stayed near water, and found an empty clearing to stay the rest of the week. There was a cave for shelter and a spring to drink from. In the cave, there was a hole.

"I…" Frisk coughed again, "It…"

It felt like there were razors scratching their throat. Talking hurt and their voice sounded croaky now. The pain in their throat was the only thing keeping their mind tethered to their body right now. They had to focus and finish the story. It was only fair. "I… looked down… dark. No bottom. I… Slept on it. I pretended… It was curiosity right? Couldn't… go back… anyways…ad…venture…"

Their voice gave up. Their lips were numb, and they couldn't form words anymore. At the same time, their eyes were burning, and their heart was pounding while they felt like their mind was floating a few inches above their body. They started to lose feeling in their fingertips and wondered if maybe this is what a heart attack felt like.

Why was this happening now? They managed to speak about it before, but this time they couldn't finish the tale. Did it have something to do with their barrier leaking? Were they so unaccustomed to feelings that everything overwhelmed them now?

They wiped a few tears away from their eyes and stared at Cora with helpless intention. She seemed to understand what they couldn't voice.

"You jumped. You could let them kill you slowly, or just do it yourself and spare the pain." Cora finished. There was no inflection in her words, but she leaned into them a little more.

When words fail to convey meaning, actions matter more. Frisk leaned back into Cora to accept her support.

The two sat together, leaning on each other for a few minutes. In that time, words weren't needed. Both of them were tired. They were both content to just exist together to try to pretend that they didn't feel alone in their experiences.

Cora broke the silence eventually. "Hey. Do you sometimes still wish you could die?"

Frisk shrugged. They looked to Cora meaningfully and raised their eyebrows to return the question.

"Right now, when I can't see a way forward? Kinda." Cora admitted.

The two sat in silence for a while longer. They weren't sure how much time had passed when Sumi finally returned to the room.

"You're still here? And you're out of bed! Great! Guess I didn't need to bring this for you after all." Sumi said, placing a plate of cake next to the pancakes on Cora's desk. "You can get your own food tomorrow then. Thanks for the help shorty. It's bedtime for little monsters though, so time for you to go!"

Frisk rose slowly and made their way to the door. They gave Cora a small wave just before Sumi shut the door behind them. They hoped that Cora would be okay. Perhaps she'd feel better after sleeping. They knew it was a lie, especially with the nightmares sent by the Drowned Gods, but they could at least pretend to believe it for a night.

Lying and pretending was a well-honed skill in their arsenal. So good that they could fool themselves sometimes. Sleep that night didn't come easy to them.

The next day, their bad mood got worse when Eleanor told them at dinner that a new student would be rooming with them. Apparently, she had showed up on her own, following instincts learned from her Door to this school.

For what it was worth, Antsy seemed okay. Her Door was a Nexus, and Eleanor said it was Nonsense too. Nonsense and Neutral. Her soul was a bright, sunny yellow. Antsy was quiet and seemed almost relieved when she saw them. She looked to be about sixteen, which didn't bother Frisk at all. Only two years older than them. Susie was older than that too, so it didn't feel weird.

Antsy seemed to be a bit more at ease around them, and a bit less guarded. Perhaps she was used to spending time with younger siblings? That was something that they could ask as an ice-breaker later, back in their room. Until then, Frisk did their best to seem happy and stable. It took a lot of effort, but they managed to get a few words out while showing Antsy around.

She didn't have any belongings with her besides the clothes on her back, so Frisk brought her to Kade before heading back to their room. They stayed with her while he brought out clothes for her to try and asked about her Door, the Room of Lost Things. Turns out that she was an assistant shopkeeper while she was there, working under a crow and an old lady. She didn't talk about why she left though. Nor about how she found her Door.

There was one interesting piece of information that Antsy let out during her chat with Kade. Apparently, she could find anything. Anything that exists, anyways. Does that include Doors? Doors don't always exist, but maybe by asking her to help look, they'd be able to find a way to their Door. When she was looking for a place to go, she was pulled to an advertisement for a lost pet. That brought her to the mother of one of the girls that Jill murdered, which in turn led her to the school.

The school definitely existed, and it was the right place for a traveler to be. They could only hope that this would extend to helping the Doors materialise. It was a stretch, but their best hope at this point. Frisk decided to ask them in private either tomorrow or the day after. Once she was settled in, Frisk hoped that Antsy might be willing to help them out. Even if they were probably fourteen, looking like an eleven-year-old might make her endeared towards them as an older student.

Frisk's plans didn't go exactly as they'd hoped. The conversation had to be put off for a week due to Antsy's schoolwork. Testing her grade level took longer than most other students because her academic level was so far below the minimum grade level offered at the school. Antsy just said she'd spent a long time in her world as an explanation.

It was odd, since kids who traveled at younger ages were far less likely to ever return. There was less tying them to Earth than an older child or a teenager. In any case, her mathematics and vocabulary skills were at about a sixth-grade level due to her experience in running the shop, but everything else was around a second grade level. They didn't have any teachers to teach primary school subjects, so Antsy did homework with older students who had spares. They wanted to get her caught up to sixth grade in every subject by the end of the school year, if possible. That way she could start seventh grade next fall.

Under these circumstances, Antsy had a lot of homework and not much time to relax. She didn't seem to mind though. She was pretty quiet and seemed to prefer doing schoolwork over interacting with the other students, even ones her own age. She seemed a bit more relaxed around Frisk, but they figured it was just because they were her roommate.

They found themselves questioning whether her world really was a Nonsense world at all though. A shop seemed like it would need organization and rules and such. She was also very quiet and studious, which most Nonsense children weren't. There were a few things that just didn't add up.

Regardless, the weekend after Antsy's first full week of class was when Frisk decided to ask their questions.

"So… You've been settling in okay? The schoolwork isn't too busy for you?" Frisk asked.

"No, I actually like it enough. It's frustrating sometimes since there's no teachers for my level, but it's easier than trying to fit in." Antsy admitted. "Was it the same for you? Eleanor said you've been here for over a year, so you must have been about nine or ten when you got here. Much younger than the others."

Frisk shook their head. "I guess I never told you. The minimum age for the school, at least what Eleanor claims, is twelve. I'm actually fourteen." They decided that rounding up couldn't hurt. "I got here when I was about twelve-and-a-half, I think? I found my way to the Underground just before my twelfth birthday and spent a long time there. I don't know how long it was, exactly though. Probably less than a year, but at least six months. I got through the entire seventh grade curriculum in the time I was there, and normal school does that in about ten months. One-on-one, it probably took me less than that. I'm not a genius either, so I think it was at least six months. There were no dates or time references while I was there, so I can't say for sure how old I am now. I just know that I'm in the appropriate grade level for my mind's approximate age. Ninth grade, that is."

Antsy got a distant look in her eyes that Frisk couldn't quite understand. "So… You're not ten or eleven? Are you aging backwards?"

"No. I was on the short side of average before I found the Underground. Now I just look eleven all the time. I'm frozen in time and I don't know why. My hair and nails don't even grow. Not properly, anyways. If I chip a nail or bite it or something, it fixes itself overnight. Still, nothing grows longer. I still heal at a normal rate though." Frisk laughed, "Wish I could have had that superpower though. It'd be more useful than what little soul magic I can harness or seeing soul colours."

"I see. I thought Eleanor put me with you for a reason, and maybe she did, but it's different than I thought."

"Not everyone here looks like they should. I suspect most people here should look non-human in some way. But I'm human, no matter what world I'm in. I just look the wrong age." Frisk said.

"I'm…" Antsy trailed off and paused for a moment. She seemed to be considering something. "I'm also the wrong age. I'm not sixteen. I'm nine."

"What?"

Antsy just nodded and looked away.

No wonder that she felt more comfortable around them than anyone else. They were the youngest-looking student at the school. If they were actually eleven, or even twelve, then they'd still be reasonably close in age to Antsy. It was something that she was probably hoping for.

"I'm sorry. How did that happen?" Frisk asked.

"Doors have a price. I opened a lot of them for the shopkeeper." Antsy said. She seemed upset about that fact. Perhaps she found her way back to Earth because she didn't want to open any more Doors or felt like life in that shop was not what she actually wanted.

"Oh." Frisk said. They knew that they needed to be careful broaching the topic of Doors now. "Did Doors appear in the shop often?"

"Depends. I found a lot of them because I was looking. Otherwise, they only show up if someone needs them."

"Do you think you'd be able to find Doors on Earth?" Frisk asked. Antsy frowned and they backtracked, "Not that you want to go back. Or should open them. But if someone asked, would you be able find a Door?"

"Only if it exists. Doors aren't permanent. Most of them aren't, anyways." Antsy answered.

"If I asked, would you try for me?" Frisk asked.

"I won't open it for you. I refuse to open any more Doors. Ever."

"I would open it. I would go through. I would only ask you to tell me where to look."

Antsy took some time to think. After a few minutes, she had an answer. "Promise me that I won't have to go anywhere near the Door. Promise me. And don't tell anyone else about me. Then I'll try."

Frisk let their magic flow through them. Their power coursed through them with such strength that their skin took on a slightly red hue. "On my soul, I promise to not force you to open or go anywhere near my Door. I also promise not to speak of your abilities to anyone. I swear it."

A small red star floated from their soul towards Antsy's yellow one. The yellow soul reached out with small strings to catch the promise and absorb it. Their vision faded back to normal once it was accepted.

"I trust you. Just ask, then give me a moment to focus."

"Antsy, can you find my Door? My way back to the Underground?" Frisk asked, hoping with their entire being that she could find it. They reactivated their vision to watch Antsy's soul search.

The strings in her soul got longer and gently waved around in every direction. They seemed aimless and didn't pull in any particular way. Antsy shook her head and told them the unfortunate truth. "Right now, your Door doesn't exist. And there's no clear way to find it either."

Not to be deterred, Frisk asked another question, just to watch the soul-strings. "Can you find my favourite pencil?"

Immediately, the soul-strings concentrated in the direction of their desk and lengthened until they touched the pencil that they had left out. Antsy frowned and went over to pick it up with an objection. "Hey! You said you'd just ask about your door!"

"I said I'd not ask you to open or go near my door. Not that I wouldn't ask for something stupid like a pencil. I was watching your soul to see what happened. Just in case it was a false negative or something. You're definitely right though. The reaction to my pencil was way different than the reaction to my Door." Frisk explained, "For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I probably should have asked first. I only asked about my pencil because it was something stupid and close and wouldn't force you to go outside and explain to anyone else what you were doing. That might have counted as breaking my promise."

"Never ask me to find something for you again!"

"Okay." Frisk agreed listlessly. Maybe the Underground wouldn't take them back. If it wouldn't take them back, then what was the point in being here?

Antsy left for breakfast, ignoring Frisk and their current existential crisis. Their mind floated just outside their body while they sat with their thoughts. It was what they deserved. They didn't break their promise, but they broke the small amount of trust that they had developed with her. What they did was mean, but they were getting desperate. They needed to find a way back to fix their mistake and start growing up. They were determined, yet the Underground was hiding from them.

Frisk looked towards their desk. Was their Door hiding because they still had some unfinished business on Earth? The letters for Eleanor and their parents were done, Kade's was a half-finished pile of notes, and they figured that they should probably leave one for Cora too. After the incident a week ago, it was only fair.

They decided against breakfast today. They knew that they'd probably get flak from someone about it, but they weren't feeling hungry. Socialising, even if it was just sitting by themselves in a full cafeteria, was too much right now. Additionally, Antsy's declaration that their way back didn't exist sapped away all the energy they had. Their barrier thickened, cutting off whatever bits of feelings they might notice.

Sufficiently empty, Frisk sat themselves at their desk and decided to finish the letters. They couldn't ask Antsy to try again, but that didn't mean there was nothing that they could do. If they made sure that they had nothing left on Earth, then perhaps the Underground would open up to them.

If not…

It wouldn't matter. They would get back or they wouldn't. Simple as that.

By the time lunch passed, the letters for Kade and Cora were finished. Short, but succinct, they thought. They just needed to bring the letters to Eleanor so that she could hand them out when they left their life on Earth behind.

As Frisk stood up, another idea struck them. If they ever returned from the Underground, not that they necessarily intended to, there was one more loose end that they wanted tied up. For their own sense of closure, they wrote a letter to Susie's mom. Susie never said when her mom would be let out, but it had to be at least a couple years, right? If they could talk to her, maybe they could finally, properly and truly accept that Susie, their first best friend, was gone. Maybe they could even find someone else to share in their loss. If not, it's not like it would change anything.

They quickly wrote a short letter to Susie's mom and signed it. Eleanor could take care of forwarding that letter. She probably had Susie's mom's contact information as Susie's guardian/next of kin. Whichever one was appropriate at this point. Susie would have been eighteen on Earth now.

Their body was slow and sluggish to react, but they made it move. First, they changed into their favourite pink and blue striped shirt, then folded up their clothes and tidied up their things. They still had a box from when they were packing up Susie's things, so they put their spare belongings in that. They labelled it with their name and put their packed suitcase beside it on the bed.

With a nod at the job complete, they went back to the desk and picked up the five letters. They didn't bother sealing the one for Eleanor since they wanted her to read that one today. Not immediately, but hopefully this evening. Even tomorrow would be fine. The one for Susie's mom needed to be mailed, and the one for their parents would only be sent under certain circumstances. The ones for Kade and Cora could be delivered after Eleanor read hers, but they wanted to seal them for privacy. No one else needed to know what they wrote to the two people that they might consider to be friends. If not friends, then people who made a significant impression on them.

The walk to Eleanor's office was familiar and long. It almost felt final. There was a tiny thrum of amusement in the back of their mind. One way or another, this would be final. That's how they found the Underground the first time. They ran away and had nothing left waiting for them. Nothing they particularly cared about, anyways.

Maybe they were still running away, but they preferred to think of it as running towards something instead. Whether that something was where they wanted to go or not, they were Determined to find out.

A rush of magic filled their body. Some part of their mind wondered if they were glowing red, or if their eyes were shining. Irrelevant. The only thing they needed to do in this moment was deliver the letters and make the request to Eleanor, so they did.

Eleanor was a bit distracted, but easily agreed. She would read her letter this evening and then hand out the other letters. She said she'd only give their parents their letter if they finally decided to use their name, or if they ever came to the school. Whether it was for graduation or to pull them out of whatever other reason, they would at least receive some sort of explanation for why their child wasn't there anymore.

On the way out of Eleanor's office, they bumped into Cora. She looked like she hadn't slept in a while.

"Hey Frisk. You needed to see Eleanor too?" She asked.

Frisk nodded.

"Yeah, me too." Cora looked down, then back up at them. "You're looking a bit… redder than normal. You okay?"

Frisk nodded again. "Just going outside. You can join me after if you want."

Cora shook her head. "I don't think so. Thanks for the offer though."

They shrugged. "You sure?"

Cora nodded.

"Suit yourself. I hope the Drowned Gods can let you sleep tonight."

"Me too."

"And… thanks. For being a shoulder to cry on. And sorry for hurting you that first night. We probably could have been good friends." Frisk said honestly.

They took one last look at Cora. The mermaid was still there inside her, but it was frowning.

"Um… thanks. But… Why are you apologizing now?" Cora asked.

"Something tells me that I might not get another chance. Call it a gut feeling."

"Alright then. Thank you and I'm sorry too. For the same thing."

Frisk waved at Cora as they turned away. "Just… Keep believing in yourself. You'll be a mermaid again if you can stick it out. It's another gut feeling."

They didn't look back or give Cora a chance to reply. All they could do now was wish her the best. They didn't notice the tiny red star that floated from their soul towards the frowning mermaid, causing her eyes to briefly flash orange.

It was time. They walked out to the tree line and grabbed a long stick. They held it out like a sword and took a few practice swings. After practicing for so long with a knife and other small blades, the weight felt strange in their hand. Even so, it almost felt nice to swing it around like a kid.

From a distance, they probably did look like a silly kid playing an adventure.

Deciding to pretend to enjoy their last hour or so on Earth, they skipped through the large tree roots while swinging the stick in every direction around their body. Their trained core muscles caught them and helped them keep balance when the footing got weird or their swing threw them off course. They spun and danced in circles, pretending it was just another carefree fall afternoon. Leaves crunched and needles snapped under their feet, and the smell of the trees filled their nose with an earthy aroma that let them forget, just for a moment, that they were about to leave it all behind.

The Underground had trees, but it wasn't the same.

Frisk looked up at the evergreen in front of them. It was tall and the branches were thick and close. Climbing it wouldn't be hard at all. It was no mountain, but it would do.

"Frisk!" A voice called them distantly.

It was Antsy. She ran over quickly. Long teenage legs were quick. The short run left her a little breathless.

"I was looking for you. I found Eleanor's lost keys which brought me to her office where Cora was talking to he,r and she said she'd seen you and that you were going outside. I- What's going on? You're all… red?" Antsy asked in between pants.

"I'm a red soul." Frisk said.

"I don't know what that means."

"I have red magic. It's been rushing through me for a few hours. I don't know exactly what it does, but I need to use it. I bet it'll help me get back to the Underground."

"That doesn't make any sense to me."

"I just have to be Determined, right? Red souls and red magic are fuelled by Determination. Just like you and your yellow soul, fuelled by Justice. When you find a cause worth fighting for, nothing's gonna stop you from finding the solution." Frisk told her.

"What are you even talking about?" Antsy asked.

"You'll figure it out someday. Sorry I didn't leave a letter for you. I didn't think we were close enough for that."

"Why are you being so weird right now?"

Frisk gave a hollow, empty smile. "I'm going back to the Underground. Between you and Cora, I think I figured out the trick. I've got nothing left to tie me to Earth, no regrets. I'm determined to go back and I'm about to do whatever it takes. I'm going back to the last place that felt like home. Maybe I'll see you again some day, but something tells me we'll both look our age if we meet in the future."

This time, Frisk saw the tiny red star that floated into the waiting strings of Antsy's yellow soul. A small yellow girl grabbed at the star and held it tight to her chest as the strings circled around it.

"…Okay? You're not gonna explain anything, are you."

"I just did. You'll understand later. Your yellow magic can help you find anything. You'll find the answer. Give my regards to Eleanor?" Frisk asked.

"Sure… okay. See you tonight?"

Frisk shook their head. "I'm going home now. You don't need to watch. You should probably head inside for supper."

Antsy watched them with confusion. The two stared at each other for a moment before Antsy closed her eyes in concentration. Her yellow magic threads stretched and touched the top of the tree. She opened her eyes to see Frisk's eyes, following the thread upward. "Good luck Frisk."

As Antsy walked back to the school, Frisk started climbing. They took their time, enjoying the view of the grounds as dusk approached. They were probably sixty feet up when the branches started to thin out. Not every branch up here looked like it would support their weight.

They placed their feet carefully and made their way farther up the tree.

Once they got as high as they could go, they took one last look at the early evening sky. They did their best to commit the sun and the clouds to memory. It was too bad that the stars weren't out yet. Who knew how long it would be before they breathed fresh air or saw these things again.

Who knew if they would ever.

They lowered their barrier a little, enough to let a peaceful nostalgia flow through them. As the emotion spread, their magic rushed faster. It muffled their hearing and enhanced their vision. From the top of the tree, they could see everything. The roof of the school, a distant pond in the forest, the small clearing where the outdoor education camped out, the town in the distance, and green as far as their vision reached. This was a scene they'd never forget, no matter how long they spent in the Underground. This is what they would get for the monsters. They were Determined.

Scratched into the trunk of the tree were the words "Be Sure."

With one final breath, they looked straight up and leaned backward.

"So long, Earth. Thanks for the memories."

Frisk let go of the tree and fell.

They heard two voices call their name; one girl and one boy, they thought.

The ground beneath them shifted and opened into a large black hole. It swallowed them whole then closed itself up.

As it did, their vision went black.