Fuutarou 6

The next week passes smoothly for Fuutarou. He gives Yotsuba every spare moment to help her study for her college entrance exam, which she takes on Wednesday, and the rest of the week is spent studying for finals and hanging out.

Yotsuba has been dragging Fuutarou to go jogging. He hates it, but he knows it will be good for him in the long run, and it's another chance to spend time with her.

On the following Monday, Fuutarou sees Yotsuba's desk empty when class starts. He sends her a text, and there is no response by the time the first period ends.

Is she sick? She never gets sick. The only time she has missed class was when she was depressed.

At lunch, Fuutarou approaches the table where the rest of the Nakano sisters are eating.

"Where's Yotsuba today? She's not answering my texts."

"She didn't get up this morning," Itsuki says. "She was acting funny last night and she went to bed really early. Maybe she had a stomach ache?"

"Can I borrow your apartment key? I need to check on her."

"She's probably fine," Itsuki says. "I don't know if my dad would want me to let someone borrow my key."

"Here," Miku says. "Take mine."

"Thanks," Fuutarou says. "I'll text you guys when I find out how she's doing."

Fuutarou overhears a little bit of their conversation as he walks away. Itsuki admonishes Miku for loaning her key to a teenage boy because "his hormones can't be trusted" and Nino responds by stating that he would have chosen Nino if he wanted to try something like that.

Fuutarou leaves school and heads straight to the Nakanos' apartment. He starts to activate the intercom out of habit, but then remembers that he has a key. He scans the key card and makes his way up the elevator. He scans the key card again and enters the apartment, finding it quiet and empty.

"Yotsuba?"

There is no response. He makes his way up the stairs and knocks on the door of her room. There is no response. He knocks again and enters.

The room is empty. Amid the faint smells of the small plants that Yotsuba keeps in her room, he smells something else, something more pungent. He follows the smell to the small trashcan next to the bed. The trashcan is empty, but the inside is damp.

It looks like she puked in here and washed it out. She didn't do a great job of cleaning it though. Which is unusual for her. She's usually the one in charge of cleaning around here.

If she's sick, but she's not here, then is she in the hospital? Where else would she go?

Fuutarou can feel his heart pounding. His hands are shaking. His worry for her has jumped to a new level. He immediately calls a cab, something he almost never does because they are too expensive. But this feels like an emergency.

The cab goes straight for the park. Their park. But there is no green ribbon or orange hair visible. Fuutarou's heartrate increases even more. His voice is shaky as he tells the cab driver to take him back.

I should probably wait at the apartment in case she shows up. I'll text Itsuki and tell her to let me know if Yotsuba shows up at school.

Fuutarou reenters the quints' apartment and sinks onto the couch, and lets out a sigh.

What if she really is in the hospital?

His hands are shaking as he dials his phone.

"Uesugi, I'm busy right now."

"Dr. Nakano, sir, have you seen Yotsuba today?"

"That's none of your concern. My daughter's private health matters are none of your concern as her tutor. You should be focusing on final exams. If you can't maintain a professional relationship with my daughters, then perhaps you should be removed from their lives. They don't need distractions right now."

"Yes sir. I just wanted to make sure Yotsuba is okay. I won't involve myself in private matters. Goodbye."

Dr. Nakano hangs up the phone without another word.

That conversation made it sound like she was sick and he knew about it. So maybe it's good news, if he knows what's going on. But bad news if she's in the hospital. I wonder why she hasn't texted me. I should wait here until she gets back. Maybe I can study while I wait.

It proves impossible to study. He can't pay attention to anything. He can't stop thinking about her. Without even noticing, tears are streaming down his face. He finds himself unconsciously saying her name.

"Yotsuba, are you okay?…..Yotsuba…..Yotsu-"

He hears a weak voice from upstairs.

"Fuutarou? Is that you? What's wrong?"

—-

Yotsuba 4

No. I don't think I can bring myself to tell him.

Yotsuba's fingers are squeezing a tear-soaked piece of paper. She carefully places it back in the envelope with her trembling hands and stuffs it deep in her pocket. Her stomach is tied in knots. Her breathing is painful. She is more nervous than she has been in a long time.

Yotsuba takes a deep breath and opens the door that she has been standing in front of for the last several minutes. It is the hallway in the hospital, and the door leads to her father's office.

"Yotsuba. I made time for you, but I'm very busy this week, so I hope this is important. Come and sit. Have you been crying? What is wrong? Are you sick?"

Dr. Nakano's eyebrows tilt just a fraction of an inch. His tone of voice waivers slightly from his typical deep monotone. Yotsuba knows that even these tiny displays of emotion are extremely rare for him. He might actually be a little bit worried.

Yotsuba tries to steel her nerves to speak, and she starts tearing up. Her voice shakes almost immediately.

"Maybe I am sick. Something is wrong with me. I don't know how to be like everyone else. I don't know how to be happy. Every time I try to do something, I always end up hurting people. Fuutarou…Uesugi-san, he tries to cheer me up. I know the things he says are true, but part of me refuses to believe them. Thoughts keep popping in my head like 'I'm worthless. I don't deserve to be happy. Nothing will ever turn out right. I'm just a burden. I should have never been born.' I'm sorry dad, I'm just rambling about stupid stuff, and I said it's important but I guess it's not. I shouldn't keep you from your work."

Dr. Nakano pulls out a notebook and turns to a page, then grabs a pen and clicks it.

Is he taking notes? Wait, why are there already notes written on the page? He has notes about me already? That notebook looks like…like he keeps notes about us sisters…

"Yotsuba, do you know approximately when these thoughts started happening?"

"If I had to say a single point, it would probably be when I flunked out of our last school and we all transferred."

"That's what I expected. Now tell me, do you have periods when you feel like you lose all energy, you can't focus, you don't want to get out of bed, and these intrusive repetitive thoughts get worse?"

"Yes, definitely," says Yotsuba. "Like last night and today. Uesugi-san and my sisters try to cheer me up, but it's like I'm too weak to stop being sad. It makes me feel guilty."

"Yotsuba, you are sick. You should not feel guilty for an illness that is outside of your control. Many of my patients feel guilty for being a burden, and it is a constant struggle to persuade them that no one should blame themselves for things outside their control."

"Wait a sec. I'm sick?! Do I have what mom had?!"

"No, calm down. Nothing like that. Listen. It's not my field of expertise as a physician and surgeon, but from what you are describing, it sounds quite likely that you are suffering from depression. It's not just a mood, it's a clinical illness. Essentially, it is an imbalance of brain chemicals. You shouldn't really feel guilty for that. Did you choose to have a brain chemical imbalance?"

"No, of course not!"

Dr. Nakano had been taking notes in the notebook, but now he puts the notebook away and pulls out a small notepad from his desk.

"Sometimes depressive episodes spiral from triggering stressors. Did something happen recently? Is Fuutarou Uesugi involved?"

"No, of course not. Nothing recently…Uesugi-san is always the best at cheering me up! It's definitely not his fault! Why did you assume it's his fault?"

"Are you in love with him?" asks Dr. Nakano nonchalantly in his stoic monotone voice.

"WHAT?! Haha no…totally not…he's like a total nerd…"

"I suppose I don't need to pry right now. Regardless, clinical depression can often be treated with long term use of therapy or medication. I know how much trouble you have with asking for help, so I wouldn't be surprised if you refuse to see a therapist. You should consider it and call me if you decide you want an appointment."

"Okay…thanks dad…I…" Yotsuba breaks down into tears. She leans forward in the chair and buries her face in her hands.

Dr. Nakano continues speaking. "My first suggestion is to keep in mind that your sad mood and intrusive negative thoughts are greatly amplified by an illness outside your control. As long as you are aware of that, it should help you somewhat in pushing back on those thoughts. Think of them as 'artificial' and it might make them easier to ignore. That's how it was for me at least."

Yotsuba raises her face toward him in surprise. "Wait…you're saying you had depression?"

"Yes. It's relatively common, and it's not something to be ashamed of, just like any medical condition."

"Dad…I…I wish I spoke to you sooner…"

"Well I'm glad I was able to use my medical knowledge to supplement my poor parenting skills."

"You were a good father today!"

Yotsuba stands up and walks around the desk to embrace him in a hug. She feels him pat her back awkwardly.

He's even more awkward than Fuutarou when it comes to accepting hugs.

She tries her best to keep a smile up, but as soon as she exits the office and shuts the door, her smile drops. She sighs and leans against the wall. Her hand grasps the letter in her pocket.

What am I going to do? What is he going to say? Will he leave me? Maybe he should.