Chapter 252 – Father Mark's Story
Elizabeth processed the information she just heard and realized several things about Father Mark that she probably never would have put together had they not been talking about other things. Or maybe at least not learned for years. She must have looked at him funny because Father Mark was nodding, as if he saw the light bulb over her head as she put what he said together.
"Yes." Father Mark said. "I have never been with a woman, I have never even kissed a woman, but that doesn't mean I don't understand human reactions and what happens when a young man has feelings for a young woman. Just because I was never interested in dating doesn't mean I didn't experience teenage hormones or desires at times. Just because I didn't act on normal teenage desires, doesn't mean that I wasn't tempted. Those are all natural things and just because I have taken a vow of celibacy, doesn't mean those feelings or hormones go away. That is part of the struggle that all priests deal with. We are after all, just men. All men struggle with some level of temptation and if they say otherwise, they are lying.
We deal with the same human struggles as other people. It is human nature to want to be loved and feel secure. How a priest does that is just different. Many of us rely more heavily on our families for love and support. We also are encouraged to develop strong friendships with other priests. Man is not meant to be alone. While priests forgo Eros love, we tend to develop a strong network of Storge love. If we are truly lucky, we feel Agape love in our deep relationship with God, for God's love is perfect. But, that is an entirely different conversation – the types of love and how we obtain them."
"But things didn't change." Elizabeth said. "You still wanted to be a priest, even with the sacrifices."
"No, things didn't change." Father Mark said. "If anything, it just proved to me that I was on the right track. For me, the sacrifices were worth it. Temporary sacrifices here on earth for an eternal reward in heaven. Seemed an easy choice, even if it wasn't always physically an easy choice. In the end I knew it would be worth it, because whatever I gave up here on earth would be better in Heaven.
So my whole focus while at Fordham was to go to seminary. I had made that decision and indicated that commitment to the Diocese when I graduated and before I left for college. While at Fordham, since my focus was to attend seminary, the university and the Diocese of Albany helped me file the needed paperwork to make sure I completed the proper pre-seminary requirements, even if it wasn't in their pre-seminary program per se. Then it was noticed my age might be a problem and we had to fill out special paperwork and get that approved.
While I had always known since I had been eight years old, others weren't always so sure. See typically young men who enter the pre-seminary program at eighteen or nineteen and then complete the eight years needed. I was sixteen, eight years would put me at twenty-four. Generally there is a minimum age requirement of twenty-six to be ordained. Many men go to college, then do a two year pre-seminary program and then four years at seminary so no problem. Then again few know their calling so early. I think that is part of the reason that I took longer at Fordham and got several degrees in several disciplines.
Like I said, I took five years at Fordham and then took a year to complete the other pre-seminary requirements within the Diocese before starting at St Joseph. It was hard for me, because I was academically ahead of many of my peers, but socially and emotionally I struggled because I had been so young when I graduated high school and started college. While I had been at college it was not the typical experience, even for a man intent on going to seminary. There was a time in all of that I thought my application for priesthood would get rejected."
"But it wasn't." Jack said.
"No it wasn't." Father Mark said. "But I didn't breathe a sigh of relief until I had formally received the paperwork setting my date to be ordained a transitional deacon which is one of the last steps before being ordained a priest. It was while I was waiting for that paperwork to be approved that I was praying in the chapel at Adoration late one night that I once again saw a clear vision of me as a priest. I ended up spending several hours in Adoration, unaware of those around me and deep in prayer.
At one point, that night I laid prostrate on the cool chapel floor in front of the altar and cried out to God to make His will for me clear. Others left me alone, they knew I wasn't sleeping as they heard me speaking from time to time. I have no idea how long I laid there but it completely changed my outlook on things. I poured out all my doubts, fears, and uncertainty that night and in return for the total surrender I gave God that night, I received indescribable peace deep in my soul. When I left the chapel in the early morning hours, I left there a different man. I was no longer a young man with some doubts, but I was a confident seminary student with a profound peace. Others even noticed the visible differences in me. Even just the way I carried myself on campus.
It worked out, because I was ordained a transitional deacon, assigned to a parish and finished the last year of my training with even greater focus. I was then ordained a priest in June three months exactly before I turned twenty-seven. I can't believe it has been three years already. I don't expect everyone to understand what I went through or what it is like, especially since we all experience things differently, but I have shared some of those experiences with Jack and he understands them more than I thought he would.
Maybe it is because he is wise beyond his years. When it comes to knowledge, I feel like the rest of us are constantly playing catch up to Jack. But what most people don't understand, is that Jack is also spiritually more mature than most his age. I think that it might come with the time he has spent in prayer, both alone and with others. Maybe it is a combination of things, including his incredible intelligence, but what I know is that there are few people that can hold a candle to Jack. I know he is meant for great things and I hope you see that as well. I am not saying you would hold him back, if anything, I feel that you will push him even harder."
"Thank you." Jack said, blushing. "But I am not all that special. Just because I can see and understand things others can't doesn't mean I am more special than others. Doug is much smarter about common sense, street knowledge than me. Lee has an incredible ability to identify trees and other plants by their leaves. I just know what to stay away from. We are all good at something. I don't think we need to compare or even highlight those things. I wouldn't want my friends to feel bad because I can do something that they may struggle with. I know that Lee doesn't like to fly, so I don't push it. I know that Doug likes sweets and soda. If he got snacks for everyone, I would eat what he got. No need to say anything and make him feel bad."
"Says the man who has the looks, money and brains to take over the world if he wanted." Father Mark said. "But I agree, we all have something that we do well. However I do think that individual achievements should be celebrated. I am not saying to go around bragging about things, but you earned your Eagle Scout without any fanfare. You were awarded several achievements in school and no one was there to celebrate you because your parents couldn't be bothered. You received a certificate in piano that few college graduates who specialize in music obtain and I was the only one in your entire family that knew. I am saying that you need to not be afraid to shine. You are incredibly talented and that should be celebrated."
Jack just shrugged his shoulders and ducked his head. Elizabeth thought about what Father Mark had said. She realized that Jack really didn't like being celebrated, especially in small groups, but she was so proud of him. She would always be proud of him and hoped they had many chances to celebrate in the future. Seeing the pink color on Jack's cheeks get darker, she chose to change the subject and not embarrass him further, even if she wanted to hear more about his achievements.
"When were you ordained?" Elizabeth asked.
"June twenty-seventh, two thousand fifteen." Father Mark said.
"You know Ma was mad I skipped a show to go to your ordination." Jack said.
"Seriously." Elizabeth said. "A once in a lifetime event over a show and she was mad."
"She said I had made a commitment and should have kept it." Jack said. "Funny thing, Grandpa was completely fine with it. He understood since he was at the ordination as well. He understood that it wasn't a choice in my eyes. Gran and Grandpa took me to the ordination, while Ma and Dad stayed in the city."
They were interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Come in." Jack called out.
Gran opened the door.
"We just wanted to let you know we are headed to bed." She said. "Feel free to stay and talk, we just want you to know."
"Thank you." Jack said.
"We won't stay much longer." Father Mark said. "But thank you for letting us know."
"Is everything okay?" Gran asked.
"Yes." Jack said. "We talked about this afternoon and a few other things, we were just talking about school now."
"Alright." Gran said. "As long as everything is okay."
She saw all three nodding, so stepped back and closed the door before heading to her bedroom for the night. After Gran left the three turned back to each other. They knew that they could go downstairs, but they were comfortable and the others understood. It was nice to have a chance to sit and talk. The more that Elizabeth talked with Father Mark, the more that she gained insight into not only Jack and his way of thinking, but also into his family that was quickly becoming her family. She had to pause, because she could also see them sitting around like that for years to come.
"So, Elizabeth." Father Mark said. "Did you always want to be a teacher or were there other things that you were interested in?"
"Pretty much always a teacher." Elizabeth said. "There was a time I wanted to be a member of the Rockettes, but dismissed that idea when my father told me I wasn't pretty enough or coordinated enough to do it. I was nine. I danced for a few more years, but then I quit. Father made some comment about finally getting wise to the fact that I wasn't cut out to be a dancer."
"What an awful thing to do to a child." Father Mark said. "Parents should never crush a child like that. I also understand that not every child is going to be a pro athlete or professional dancer, but you should always encourage a child to do their best and make sure they have plenty of opportunities to try things. I can't even fathom what it would have been like for my father to tell me just because I wouldn't make it to the Olympics, there was no point in riding horses competitively. Did I win a lot of ribbons? Yes, but it was the experience that was the important part. It was learning responsibilities and that things took hard work. Lessons that I learned early working with the horses have translated to other areas of my life."
"I agree." Jack said. "I am sure that you worked hard at dance, learning the steps and routines. It may or may not have come easy to you, but it was something you wanted so you put the work in."
"I see what you are saying." Elizabeth said. "But it was just the way that things were. If my parents had been more encouraging, I think I might have stuck it out a bit more and worked through that awkward growth spurt. But as it was, they had made it so it wasn't fun anymore. I liked hanging out with my friends, but not enough to keep going."
"That I completely understand." Jack said. "Really the only thing I missed that year or so I took off from riding was seeing others at the shows. I might not have been close friends with any of them and there were some I, down right, couldn't stand, but it was fun to see people and their horses."
"If Laura hadn't been hurt." Father Mark said. "Do you think you might have continued riding and not quit? You have never said one way or the other and I am curious. You are so good with the horses and the courses."
"I don't know, maybe." Jack said. "Laura getting hurt changed everything. I was not doing competitions by myself. And before you say, I had Doug. You know what I mean. Doug did it because I was and he could. It was never a passion for him like it had been for some of us. Which probably says a lot more about his horsemanship than mine. I spent years learning to ride and studying courses. Not to mention building a bond with a horse. Doug comes up here that first summer, sees me jumping and asks to try. He does good and he has continued to jump with me over the years."
"You might be right about that." Father Mark said. "But if he would have had your dedication, he might have actually been able to beat you. So think about it that way as well."
Elizabeth let out a little giggle. She liked the banter back and forth between them.
"Oh you think that is funny, Twinkle Toes." Jack said, reaching over to tickle Elizabeth.
Elizabeth let out a shriek and tried to move but Jack had caught her and pulled her to him. He was tickling her and she was laughing, gasping for air. Father Mark let it go for a bit, since they hadn't had much of it, but he saw it getting too intense quickly and cleared his throat.
"Okay." Father Mark said. "Enough. There are people trying to sleep in this house."
They immediately stopped and just looked at each other. As they moved to separate themselves, they both turned a very deep shade of red.
"Sorry." Jack mumbled.
"Yeah, sorry." Elizabeth mumbled.
"I didn't say you did anything wrong." Father Mark said. "I just also didn't want you to take it too far. So let's move on. It is getting late. Let's head downstairs and see what the others are doing and then head to bed."
Jack stood up and helped Elizabeth up. As they left the library, Jack turned toward the kitchen.
"I just want to make sure everything is taken care of." Jack said.
Father Mark nodded. Jack checked the kitchen and dining room before joining them back at the stairs. They headed down and saw that Doug and Nathan were still watching a game.
"In bed." Doug said, without looking over.
"Got it." Jack said.
"I am going to do my night prayers and then go to bed." Father Mark said. "See you all in the morning."
"Night." Jack said.
Doug and Nathan waved to Father Mark and then he walked down the hall. Jack took a seat next to Doug.
"I am going to bed as well." Elizabeth said.
"Night." The guys said.
"See you in the morning." Elizabeth said.
She too then walked to her room. Doug turned to Jack after they had left.
"So everything is good?" Doug asked.
"Yeah." Jack said. "We talked, worked through a few things and then spent time just talking."
"So I am not going to have to worry about walking in on you." Doug said.
"That isn't going to happen." Jack said. "We agreed that we need to respect the boundaries and wait until after the wedding."
"And the gym?" Doug said, with a raised eyebrow.
"It won't happen again." Jack said, blushing.
"What happened in the gym?" Nathan asked.
"Think about it." Doug said.
Nathan thought for a moment, then leaned forward and just looked at Jack.
"You didn't." Nathan said.
"Leave me alone." Jack said. "She pushed me past the point of no return and nothing else I was doing worked. I couldn't calm my body and was at the point that it was physically more painful to keep trying then to just get a quick release. I talked to Father Mark about it and confessed, so drop it. I also know that it can't happen again."
"No." Nathan said. "I know what you mean by the physical pain and you are right it can't happen again. I have a feeling your Grandmother knows you did something, but she won't say anything. She just warned us about covering for you if something happens moving forward."
Jack covered his face with his hand and let out a groan.
"We will drop it." Nathan said. "But just tell me you learned a lesson."
"Yes." Jack groaned. "It is really going to be a long summer."
"Good thing you are going to be busy for the next few weeks." Doug teased.
Jack groaned again. He didn't know what was worse – confessing to Father Mark or knowing his grandmother knew. Jack also realized he was going to have to be much more careful moving forward. Jack leaned back on the couch and tried to relax and watch the end of the Pirates and Dodgers game on TV. Jack wasn't really paying attention to the game and was more in his own head thinking about things. Even though he had talked to Father Mark and went to confession, he still felt bad about the events of the afternoon. He knew he was going to have to be much more careful moving forward. He just hoped Elizabeth was as understanding as she had seemed to be when they talked.
As much as Doug wanted to tease Jack, he saw the look on Jack's face and decided against it. He realized Jack was beating himself up, even if he had confessed and received forgiveness. So Doug decided against further teasing and let the matter drop as the three settled to watch the end of the game.
… … … …
Elizabeth went to her room. She had debated staying and watching the game with Jack but after the afternoon and their talk this evening, she didn't want to push it any more. She knew she had been wrong pushing Jack that afternoon, but she was upset and technically he had kissed her first when all she wanted to do was talk. No matter who kissed who first, she knew that she was in part responsible for crossing the line.
After changing into some pajamas, Elizabeth sat down at the desk and opened her journal. She started another entry for the day and wrote about supper and the conversation in the library. As awkward as it was to do it, she knew they had needed it. She had also enjoyed the pledge that Father Mark had them repeat to each other, so she wrote it out. She then wrote about the conversation with Father Mark about him growing up. She realized that everyone had something from their childhood that wasn't great, some were just worse than others. She had thought Father Mark must have grown up in the most loving, perfect home for him to become a priest, but as it turned out he had had his share of struggles and that was beyond what happened to his sister.
Elizabeth sat back and thought what she knew and realized that she had never really thought about a priest or minister as just a man. Yes, they were set apart in some aspects, but deep down they were just like the rest of us with the same needs and desires. She also realized because she had never seen a minister as just another man, she had a skewed view of religion as a whole. She also knew that the Catholic Church wasn't this evil cult that she had been led to believe. She realized that it was a very misunderstood religion. She might not have known a lot but she was determined to never stop learning about the faith and Church that was so important to Jack and his friends. She saw that there was something different about them and she firmly believed it had something to do with their faith.
The other thing is that Elizabeth had realized that her relationship with Jesus was nowhere near as strong as the guys and she had claimed to have a personal faith in Christ. She may have been able to quote Bible verses, but Jack and his friends understood the context those verses were written and it almost seemed like they had a more complete picture then she had. Part of her was jealous of their faith and the other part knew that wasn't rational because if she worked at it, she might just find what they had.
Elizabeth closed her journal and grabbed the other journal she had started. She had started writing a question she had about the Catholic faith at the top of each page and then when she found the answer she would put it down and any verses that helped or talked about that question. She knew that she may never run out of questions, but it was the search for the knowledge that was just as important as the answer to Elizabeth. She found the question that she had written down and wrote a few things in the blank space as Father Mark had answered her question or at least some of it. As she wrote that answer out, she thought of a new question, so flipped to a new page and wrote that out as well. She then made a note on her phone to grab another one of those large journals the next time she went to Walmart or at least have someone pick one up for her.
Once she was done writing, she grabbed her phone and crawled in bed. She wanted to watch a few videos from the links that Caitlin had sent her before she went to sleep. Elizabeth went to bed feeling better about everything and looking forward to the holiday and moving toward the wedding. Since Jack had indicated that he didn't have a preference other than the few things that he had stated, she was finished making selections. She had planned to sit down with Gran, Trish and Abigail and go over things and see what else needed to be done.