Written for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry (challenges & assignments)
A3 Muggle Art - Task 7 - Write about someone having to break a tie-breaking decision
Auction: Day 13, Auction 3 - SiriusRemusSeverus
W/C: 2,743
Summary: Sirius has decided it has to know who the better kisser is; him or his husband, Remus. Things take a weird turn when James dares them to get Severus to be their tie-break decider. (Everyone lives!AU and let's face it, crack!AU, because in what world would this happen...)
Not something I need to know
Remus pushed a finger into the corner of his eye before rubbing the eyelid to help with the dryness. "Not everything is a competition!" he said over his shoulder as he stepped out into the bright summer day, a strong wind taking away some of the sun's heat.
"Sounds like something a loser would say," Sirius said, the challenge in his voice not going away any time soon.
Remus rolled his eyes, barely glancing over his shoulder to find his husband still following him into the grounds of Hogwarts. It was coming to the end of the summer holidays and Remus had come to the school with Lily to get some things ready for the new school year. Of course Sirius and James had followed them, but it was probably for the best because for two thirty-five-year old men, they got into more trouble than the students, Harry included.
Lily, who was starting her first year as a Care of Magical Creatures professor, was already sat outside Hagrid's hut with a cup of tea. James was watching Hagrid show Harry a hippogriff at the edge of the forest, a cup of tea in hand as well, when he spotted the two men coming.
"Lily and James will give us an honest answer," Sirius said smugly, pinching Remus' bum as he walked past him.
"Why are you being so dogmatic about this?" Remus asked after him.
"Did you make a Sirius pun then?" Lily asked, flicking her wand towards the hut. A moment later two cups of tea came out to Sirius and Remus.
"Don't encourage his self-importance," Remus said with a groan, taking the empty seat James had left. Sirius grinned happily, raising his mug to them before taking a sip. "His lordship here has decided we should find out who is the better kisser; him or me."
"Oh for god's sake, Sirius," Lily muttered with a shake of her head. "Of course it's Remus."
"Hang on, you're saying that because you've only kissed Remus," James piped up, turning to face the group. He nodded at Sirius with a wink. "Sirius is a marvellous kisser."
"Of course you would know," Lily said into her mug before taking a sip of tea.
"Come on, Red. You can't make this judgement fairly without kissing me first." Sirius walked over to her and held a hand out.
Lily stared at his proffered hand. She looked at her husband, pointing a finger. "You need to kiss Remus."
"Consider it done!" James opened his arms out to Remus. "Come on, Moony. Get ready for me to rock your world."
Sirius slammed a hand into James chest, spilling tea over his other hand as he did. "Excuse you. I'm the only one who can rock his world."
Remus shared a withering look with Lily. "Why exactly did we pick these two?" he asked under his breath.
"They wore us down," Lily said with a heavy sigh as she got up, putting her mug under the chair she'd been sitting on. "Let's get this over with then. I'd like to live the rest of my life without being pestered for an answer I'm not interested in."
"I never said I needed the answer," Remus complained. James ignored his slapping hand and forced him to stand, taking his mug off him and putting it with Lily's, along with his own. Sirius placed his own on a nearby pumpkin before giving Lily a wild grin.
"Hang on," Lily said quickly, shoving a hand into Sirius' face. She looked over his shoulder at Harry, who was now being flung onto the hippogriff by Hagrid. "He already thinks he's got more than one set of parents, we don't need to add fuel to that particular fire."
"Well, he has," Sirius said under Lily's hand still holding his face away from her.
"This friendship dynamic is beginning to look like a therapist's dream." Lily let go of Sirius once they saw Harry fly off, heading towards the back of the castle. "Get it over with, before Harry gets back."
"Is that how she gets you into bed?" Sirius asked James, who winked in response.
Kisses were exchanged, looks were shared, and answers were given.
"Remus," said Lily.
"Sirius," said James.
Sirius looked between Lily and James with narrowed eyes. "What are you two up to?"
"Get a grip, Sirius," Lily said warningly. "We gave you your answer – an answer that your own husband doesn't even want – it's not our fault you didn't like what you heard – no!" She shoved Sirius back when he reached for her. "You've had your chance."
"Severus is over by the Black Lake, you should get him to choose, like a tie-breaker," James said with a snort, shoving his hands into his trousers.
Sirius' eyes lit up and Remus groaned at the sight, hanging his head. "Why would you put the idea in his head?"
"Don't worry, Moony. Sev will never do it." James clapped a hand on his shoulder. "I bet a month's wages he'll throw you in the lake before agreeing to kiss either of you."
Lily threw her hands in the air and walked off. She yanked her wand out of her sleeve and flicked it at the mugs to make them follow her into the hut, grumbling under her breath about none of them having grown up.
Sirius shoved his hand out to James. "I'll take that bet."
"Wait a minute," Remus said quickly, pulling at Sirius' wrist. "I never said I would kiss Severus."
"Then I win by proxy," Sirius replied with a grin.
"Win what? It was never a competition!"
"You don't understand, Sirius doesn't know how to lose." James laughed with a shake of his head. "Are you even sure you know who you married?"
"I want a divorce." Remus sank down into the chair behind him. He pointed at Sirius. "You're the most insufferable person I've ever met – you're not far behind him, Prongs!" he added when James started laughing heartily.
"When was the last time we had a bit of fun with Sev?" Sirius goaded, gently tapping Remus' foot with his own. "And you get to kiss another man! How many other husbands would be that understanding?"
"Nay! That encouraging!" James said happily, throwing an arm around Sirius.
"You two have never been okay," Remus said quietly, trying to ignore the way they loomed over him.
"If you get Severus to kiss both of you, for the tie-breaker, of course, then I'll talk to Lily about being your surrogate. Can't say fairer than that?" James offered. Sirius nodded like a happy dog, pointing at James like he'd made a solid point.
"Does your wife know you're pimping her out like a stud?" Remus stood up, using his full height to make the both of them back up. "I'll do it for the peace – not because you've tried to sell Lily to us." He shoved a finger in James' face. "And you'll have to tell her what you just did, understood?"
James no longer appeared so delighted at the bet he was setting up. "Fine," he answered sullenly.
"This will be a doozy," Sirius said in a sing-song voice as they walked away with James watching them.
"That's the last time I let you draw me into a prank on Sev. I won't stop him from cursing you next time," Lily whispered when she came back outside, joining James as they watched the two men go towards the Black Lake. "How did you even know this would work?"
"I got Harry to drop into conversation this morning how boring kissing must be when it's always with the same person - ouch!" James rubbed at his upper arm from the pinch.
"Stop using our son!"
"Well, I definitely shouldn't tell you I offered you as a surrogate—" James ran before he could finish that sentence when he saw her green eyes flash with murder.
Remus glanced back over his shoulder as they neared the lake, not quite seeing Hagrid's hut anymore. "Did you hear James scream?"
Sirius shrugged, pointing to a bench at the edge of the lake, under a tree. "There's the target."
"This is ridiculous."
Sirius ignored his comment. "Do you think his hair is just black or midnight-black?"
Severus Snape was sat with his back to them, dressed in a white shirt (a change for him) and black trousers, and looked rather relaxed with an arm slung over the back of the bench.
"Our relationship with him is still tenuous at best, do we really want to start another war? Lily won't be happy if we do," Remus pleaded, pulling at Sirius' arm before they got too close to Severus.
Sirius gave him a dangerous looking grin, clapped him on his upper arms with both hands, and turned back towards Severus. "Oi, dungeon dweller!"
"Give me strength," Remus said under his breath, reluctantly following him to the bench.
Severus didn't move to look at them, but a book could be heard snapping shut and his head lifted, the annoyance rolling off him in waves.
"I need to talk to you." Sirius took a seat by him.
"Oh? And you think now was the best time to do it?" Severus drawled. Remus moved to sit on the other side of him. Severus gave them both a narrow-eyed gaze down his nose. "What scintillating issue are you attempting to draw me in to today?"
Sirius leant over, about to take the purple, cloth-bound book with an amethyst in the centre from Severus. "This looks interesting."
Severus flicked his wrist with the book in it and the book disappeared. "Do get on with it, Black, before I throw you in the lake. Without magic."
Sirius gave him a warm smile. It unnerved Remus, and Severus wasn't falling for it.
"Murder is never the answer," Sirius said sweetly.
"I disagree," Severus shot back.
"There are arguments for it," Remus added through gritted teeth.
Sirius shot him a dirty look when Severus looked to Remus. "Listen, Sev—"
"Severus," he corrected Sirius, returning his attention to Sirius with a shrewd expression. "I don't recall allowing you to shorten my name."
"Severus," Sirius started again with an apologetic smile, "Remus and I have are having a… disagreement, if you will."
"How… cute," Severus sneered. "I'm surprised Remus has put up with for as long as he has."
"Yes… well, that's a conversation for another day." Sirius frowned, clearly disgruntled at the comment. "We—"
"You! You were wondering," Remus corrected.
"The thing is, we've been having an argument over who is a better kisser; Remus or me." Sirius grinned expectantly at Severus.
Remus shook his head as he stared out at the Black Lake, Harry still on the hippogriff above the body of water.
"Remus, what is he trying to hoodwink me into this time?" Severus asked, his voice low. Remus knew that was Severus' favourite thing to do; to talk about Sirius like he wasn't there and wind him up with it. And it worked every time.
"Lily says it's Remus," Sirius said loudly, pulling at Severus' arm a little. Severus looked at his hand pointedly. Sirius swiftly removed it and rubbed his palm on the maroon waistcoat he was wearing. "James says it's me, naturally."
Severus sighed heavily, lifting his arm to check his watch. Remus sniggered. He didn't always get on with Severus, but he did like how easily he could wind Sirius up with little things. Sirius shot him another murderous look for it.
"We need you—"
"I'd rather put a campfire out with my face," Severus cut Sirius off. He folded his arms. "Anything else?"
"You could've at least let me ask the question," Sirius griped. He stood up with a forlorn expression and a heavy sigh. "But we understand if you don't want us to know how bad a kisser you are. I'd want to keep that a secret as well."
Remus desperately wanted to laugh at Sirius' blatant attempt to use reverse psychology, like Severus wouldn't see through it. He would never rise to it.
Severus let out a rare noise. He laughed. It was low and more like a little chuckle, but it was a laugh, nevertheless. "Not what I had in mind."
"What wasn't?" Sirius asked.
"Your response to my refusal. I thought you might have tried to barter first, but well done on upping your game. It was almost beautiful." Severus' voice was dripping in sarcasm, his lips quirked up at the corners a tiny bit. "And I'll have you know, I'm an excellent kisser."
"Prove it."
"I don't have to prove anything to you, Black. You can ask your ex-girlfriend."
"Oh no," Remus said with a groaning laugh.
"Marlene? You kissed Marlene?" Sirius demanded. He started to stand, but paused, giving Severus a strange smirk. "I see what you did there. Well played." He sank back onto the bench. "I'm afraid if you want me to believe that, then you'll have to prove it."
"Severus," Remus started quietly, pleadingly, "I won't hear the end of it until you give us a deciding answer. Honestly, he'll be at the school every day until you do."
Much to Remus' chagrin, that seemed to sway Severus over. Over the years, if there was one thing he knew about Sirius Black was that he didn't stop… well, he just didn't stop. At anything. Whether it was the last word, winning a bet, or playing a prank – the man didn't know how to be an adult.
Severus unfolded his arms, clasping his hands on his lap, and thought for a moment. Remus continued to watch the dot in the sky that was Harry, now coming back towards the school. Sirius practically had his nose against Severus' cheek.
"I will do it on one condition," he finally said after five minutes. "You do not cross that threshold" –Severus pointed over Remus' head to the doors leading to the castle– "for at least six months. You want to see your husband, you wait until he goes home."
Sirius beamed. "Deal." He jumped to his feet. "Just sit back and enjoy the ride, Mr Expert."
Severus didn't get a chance to retort to that. Sirius leant over him, firmly holding him by the cheeks, and planted the most passionate kiss he could ever give someone who was once his mortal enemy. Then Remus spotted something unexpected; Sirius suddenly relaxed into the kiss, a small smile playing on his lips as Severus placed a hand on the back of his neck. After nearly a minute, Remus coughed awkwardly, staring at them with raised eyebrows when they pulled apart.
"That wasn't…" Sirius started, using his forefinger to rub at his bottom lip.
"Does that answer your question about my earlier statement?" Severus asked smugly. He shifted on the bench to face Remus. "Get it over with."
"Honestly, this is not something I need to know."
"No, Remus. You need to kiss the man. You're missing out," Sirius said honestly.
This time Remus didn't get time to respond. Severus had grabbed him firmly by the neck and placed his lips firmly on his own. In his surprise at the movement, Remus' mouth was slightly open, which gave Severus immediate access to his tongue. He was firm, in control, and made Remus feel like his nerves were on fire. And just when he was settling into it, enjoying the feel of Severus' thumb stroking the side of his neck, he broke away.
"Sorry, Black. Remus is better," Severus said happily, standing up. He turned to face them after he'd taken a couple of steps away, his lips a little swollen. "Now if you two will excuse me, I still have a store cupboard to organise."
They watched him leave, not taking their eyes off him until he was at the castle doors. Sirius finally slumped down onto the bench, sinking into Remus a little.
"That was…" Sirius started.
"Yeah," Remus agreed.
They looked at each other with a frown, a silent question being exchanged.
"All those years in school hating him when we should've been in love with him," Sirius said in a daze.
"Think Lily knows what he's hiding?" Remus asked.
"Of course she does."
"Should we…" Remus pointed over his shoulder in the vague direction of the castle.
"We should definitely…"
"So much for James' prank, eh?" Remus laughed as they raced after Severus.