DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from the Naruto universe. This is my Mito, though.

Thinking (+ flashbacks, "Mito speaking to Kurama in her mindscape," etc.)

Emphasis

Bijuu, etc. speaking

Bijuu, etc. thinking

In a cave outside of (and, for her taste, much too close to) Kusa, Uzumaki Ame wasn't sure what to think. She had tensely watched Kushina-sama's daughter fight a series of what she could only categorize as monsters and Kabuto-san's summons through a crystal ball that her captor and one-time hero, Orochimaru-sama, had recently obtained. "I will agree that she is strong." And considering the fuuinjutsu that Uzumaki-Namikaze Mito was now using, she was also knowledgeable in her lost clan's most powerful art.

"She is strong," Orochimaru sighed and disengaged the jutsu on his deceased sensei's crystal ball. "But she is not strong enough."

"You… do not wish to hurt her?" Ame internally cursed that she had finally voiced her concern.

"No. I wouldn't hurt either of them."

Ame watched as Orochimaru rose and walked away, probably to continue training Uchiha Sasuke. Since the Uchiha boy arrived, Orochimaru didn't spend as much time training her daughter, Karin-chan, and although Karin-chan didn't like that, Ame was relieved.

Orochimaru was… crazy, she supposed. Mentally unwell. Deranged.

Still, the man had saved her. And then, when she thought she'd never see her daughter again, Orochimaru arrived with her little girl in tow. It felt like a miracle.

Orochimaru had never asked for their blood or chakra, saying it was unthinkable, so she would stay.

BUT, if she could get her hands on that special kunai Karin told her about, she would throw it in a heartbeat, as soon as Orochimaru was away.

She needed to get Karin out.

How long would it be before Karin was used as the other children were?

.

Asuma was completely irritated. "You moron, stop bleeding all over everything."

"No way," Mito insisted. She had a henged investigative clone that was smart enough to dispel back in Konoha when it happened to be somewhat near the main gate so she knew her kids had gotten back safely. Relatively safe…

"There's chakra all over this area and it's not like summoning circles unfurl magically." Mito allowed more blood to seep into the ground that she'd earlier swiped with her sandal. She was trying to seal OTHER seals away. Mito knew that she'd have to do the more intricate work with her hands but could dig the big swirls and lines with her sandal easily enough.

She and Asuma had battled three more large summoning snakes together so far and Mito refused to allow anyone else to deal with Orochimaru's nonsense.

"Reverse summons," Asuma explained the phenomenon reasonably (again.) "I'm gonna throw you in the lake if you don't stop ignoring me. Plus you really stink."

"I don't mean to ignore you, Asuma but yes: this is probably all a result of a reverse summoning jutsu but Orochimaru isn't HERE now! Why the hell is he sacrificing snakes?" Asuma had no answer to either issue. And I know I stink. Just thinking about it made her irritated. "You don't think I want to jump in a lake and clean up?!" I was battling a human/ass hybrid and almost got stuck between his asscheeks when my punch landed!

No. There was no way Mito would ever admit that to anyone. She'd never hear the end of it.

She'd washed and disinfected her face, arm, and hands but it just wasn't enough! It might never be enough!

Bah! Stop being dramatic, Mito, she screamed internally at herself.

"How are we going to open your present?" Asuma rolled his eyes but steadied Mito when she swayed. Rather than give her more shit he waited until she healed the extremely deep gash in her palm and sat down on the ground with her while she began distributing some of her blood through the ground. Mito could manipulate water vapor and it seemed that blood wasn't all that different for her. Creepy and scary, really. He hoped the water vapor was carrying the blood and it wasn't the other way around. "Does the blood make that much of a difference in a seal like this?"

"A little. Adding it at certain points makes me feel better about the seal holding better." She was getting woozy, though. This was a big fucking seal and because of Kurama, she had to keep slashing herself open over and over again. "It's kind of an anti-seal, really."

"You're making it up as you go along, aren't you?"

"Pretty much."

Asuma sighed. "We're all gonna die."

"Very funny. And yes, we are. Woohoo!"

Asuma bonked her on the head.

After they finished the enormous seal, she pressed a huge amount of chakra into it and allowed herself to sink to the ground. "Ahhhh. Okay. Now the present."

"I say we blow the thing," Asuma advised reasonably.

"What if it's a message?"

"Since when do you NOT want to blow something up?"

"I'd like to blow you up," Mito lied under her breath. Asuma snorted. "Blowing shit up is the Uzumaki way: don't be a racist and say things against my people!"

"Words hurt." Asuma led the way downhill and back to where they could still keep the slimy present in view. Mito's chains snaked out and pushed on the box repeatedly.

"I think it's okay," Mito guessed.

"Mito. It came from a toad that was suffocating on it. And the toad had been held captive in a summoning snake's guts. No matter what's inside of that box, it is NOT okay."

"Well, yeah," Mito drawled. From a distance, she carefully began weaving slim chains up and around the box's big purple and silver-edged bow, wondering what was inside of it the (formerly) pretty silver box. She managed to unwrap the "gift" and it didn't detonate!

"That was pretty nifty chain work, Mito." Mito beamed at Asuma, making him smirk. She could still be such an eager little sister. "I guess." Asuma launched a kunai wrapped with an explosive note at it anyway and the thing blew up.

"Hey!" Mito gasped when what looked like smoking garments fell to the ground. "Holy moly."

"That asshole really got you a gift." Asuma couldn't believe it. He knew that Orochimaru favored Anko and Mito, but it was not like the guy had been stable for a long time. "That's creepy, Mito. Orochimaru's fucking evil."

"I know, As." Mito better observed the entire area with her binoculars. Really tired, she sent out chains anyway when she felt some Leaf nins approaching, figuring they could drag her somewhat chakra-exhausted ass off somewhere safe enough. It didn't take much chakra to Hiraishin, either. "The area's clear."

"For now," Asuma said.

"For now," Mito agreed. "Oh shit: I need to check on Kei!" As soon as Gai and his team arrived, having been ordered to backtrack to find her, (and she sealed away the extremely well-made remnants of her "present" from Orochimaru,) she reverse-summoned herself, swaying again when she got to the jungle cat's summoning realm.

Mito slipped into a cave there and found poor Kei licking his wounds. "I'm so sorry you were hurt. Let me heal you." She did, thoroughly exhausting herself.

The next day, she woke up in a Konoha hospital bed. She tried to get up but everything hurt, all over. Outside her window was Buddy's big face, making her (painfully) laugh. He must've brought me back.

She waved at the black panther the best she could, wondering what the residents of Konoha were thinking as they moved around a giant panther who had his front paws up on the second-floor hospital window. As soon as Buddy saw she was alright, he poofed away.

Tsunade threw open the door to the room. "I assumed you were awake when our big, black stubborn visitor finally took off. You've been here for almost 24 hours."

"That's not too bad, I guess."

Tsunade twisted her lips, knowing how much it took to wear Mito out this much. She lifted a glass from Mito-chan's shaky hands so that she wouldn't spill her water, knowing how much Chakra Exhaustion sucked. "So. Orochimaru."

"Probably. I mean, he wasn't there but his summons and probable experiments were: a LOT of them. –Where's my vest? …I need to talk to Jiraiya." Tsunade helped prop her up on some extra pillows and Mito noticed that her vest was on a peg next to a fist-sized hole in the wall. The vest hadn't been tampered with which meant that it was still smelly and gross BUT that her scrolls were probably intact.

There was also a nice, big, Beautiful poisonous bunch of flowers in a vase on her side table! And a planted, beautiful orchid, and several bright flowers that Mito bet were from the friendlier members of the hospital staff. And a bunch of thorny used-to-be roses that had their heads cut off! That cracked Mito up. "Anko's been here, huh?"

"Mmhm."

"Is there a card with that big bouquet?" Mito would like to think they were from that Keiya guy she went out with but maybe that particular poisonous bouquet was a Yamanaka shop special or something.

"Not the big one. And yes, I looked," Tsunade admitted. "Of course I did! Do you think they're from a friend or a… friend?" the Slug Sannin asked, wiggling her eyebrows and looking sly.

"With my luck?" Mito asked. "Someone is trying to kill me." It would be nice if they were from a cute guy, though.

"The orchid is from Aburame Shibi." Tsunade pulled the card that was under it and read it for her in a deep voice, mimicking the Aburame Clan Head. "'I sincerely thank you for returning my son to me safely.'" She snorted, back to herself. "That guy's so dry."

Mito gasped. "Torune's alright!" She knew that she had to be really out of it not to have asked about the kids immediately. Yes, she knew they'd arrived but Mito hadn't known her team's condition. "Are all three kids okay?"

Tsunade nodded as she took Mito's blood pressure now that she was awake. "Torune-kun's going to need some rest: probably for a month or more so that his hive can repopulate. Sai-kun is recovering from a concussion but since Shin is off, he's watching over him."

"Oh, no."

"The Yamanaka girl had a concussion, too, but it was minor. Ha!" That hard-headed Yamanaka Ino cracked Tsunade up and was driving Inoichi insane - which was a huge bonus. "By the way, you're not going anywhere for a few days."

"Nah. I should be fine by tonight." Mito knew that she wouldn't be at 100% - far from it - but she'd definitely be good enough to flash to Jiraiya. Or to do normal rounds.

"Your father's pissed."

I swear he seemed as pissed off by his summons being hijacked as much as he was about you potentially battling Orochimaru on your own. Tsunade couldn't be sure about that but she did tell Minato to his face that she thought it was "odd" that he was mentioning his summons in the same sentence he was ranting about his daughter being out on her own against a madman.

Maybe he's beginning to trust her to fight her own battles.

That'll be the day, Tsunade thought bitterly.

"Yoo-hoo," Mito grinned. "You in there, baa-chan?"

"Don't call me that, you brat. You know: you were a filthy mess when you came in."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that." The hospital staff had cleaned her up and, with wide, panicked eyes, Mito grabbed her hair, incredibly relieved when she saw that it hadn't been cut again. "How 'bout we go to the baths later?"

Tsunade looked up from Mito's chart. "I guess that could be considered beneficial - and as long as you sleep until you're discharged, I'll allow it. I'll bring the sake and Shizune!"

"Oh boy."

Drinking at night in an onsen when one was recovering from CE turned out not to be Mito's best idea. She'd almost walked out of the women's baths butt naked. Mito looked down at her itchy self and blinked several times stupidly, remembering that she and Anko had traded clothes, thinking that it would be hilarious for some reason.

"I feel tough and look like an official badass," Anko said, flashing everyone the haori Mito regularly wore at the hospital (the one that had the kanji for "badass" on the back.) She wielded it as if she was taunting a bull before throwing it back over her shoulders.

Mito barrelled into her with her index fingers curved up in points from her head, acting as the bull. "I never knew you felt that way about how I looked, Anko," she grinned as Anko evaded her second go.

"I don't! But on me? This shit looks GOOD."

Mito wasn't sure about that. Anko looked a lot less bright in her clothes. She pulled Anko's orange miniskirt down for the umpteenth time and got slapped at for it. "Sto-op! No slappy hands!"

"Yeah? Well, stop stretching out my skirt, Big Butt."

"That's why I'm pulling it down! It's too short for me!"

"The trenchcoat covers your ass and most of the rest of ya: don't worry about it! It's good you're finally showing some leg!"

"But all this mesh…"

"Stop bein' a little bitch, Mito!"

"Okay," Mito pouted, fanning her partially bare-feeling ass to the wind with the long trench. Anko's coat made her feel like she was a superhero. Mito heard coughing behind them but didn't have the mental presence to truly care. She had on nice lacy panties, at least. Plus there was all this scratchy mesh and the skirt was more of a tight (and on her, really short) culotte. "I don't know how you wear this shit all the time. Where do you get your supplies?"

"Oi! There's nothing wrong with them," Tenten insisted. She'd tagged along with Anko to the baths but didn't drink, of course. (Okay, she had a few sips.) Seeing all of the inebriated Jonins was turning into something Tenten wasn't sure she should emulate but she would certainly not miss out on it. "She gets it from Tou-san!"

"No way," Mito breathed. "You go to a weapons shop for your uniform?" She felt really bad when Anko blushed and Tenten sputtered about how she did, too.

"Just for my uniform," Anko said with a glare. Her apprentice nodded along eagerly.

"Ah." Mito only knew to go to a shinobi clothing store instead because her mother and Tsunade had often talked about where to get clothing. "Tsunade mentioned a place that has really soft but super durable fabrics. Let's go shopping!"

"You hate shopping," Anko knew.

"Usually but sometimes it's fun! Kurenai-chan and I went out and bought even more stuff for my apartment." Nobody ever cared but Mito had no idea of what to do with it.

"Whaaaa? NEW PLAN! EVERYBODY HEAD TO MITO'S," Anko cheered. The last time she was at Mito's apartment, it flat-out sucked. It had a couch and a bed, and that was it!

.

Kakashi woke up in a panicked sweat, having had a nightmare of plowing his fist through Rin-chan's chest again. Surprising him, his arm was wound up in a slim chain. No Chidori: the chain had softly sucked it away.

He rested his pounding head back on the floor, trying to calm his racing heart.

"'ts okay, 'shi. I got ya," Mito slurred.

Kakashi's eyes went wide and he slowly looked to his side as Mito's chain retracted in her sleep. Good God: Gai was snoring on his gut, Mito was asleep on his numb arm and… He turned his head the other way and got a masked face full of purple, bushy ponytail. His Chidori could've killed any of them: it was one reason why he never slept with anyone.

He vaguely remembered drunkenly stacking Mito's new furniture up, one thing on top of another. Asuma - who was now laying on his rather bony calves and holding Kurenai who was holding Yugao - called it "Reverse Jenga." Above him, hung a big mirror where he could see that the foot Gai was cuddling belonged to Hayate. There they all were in the reflection: like an orgy but everyone forgot to take off their clothes or have sex.

Mito was going to kill them. She'd passed out on the couch and Genma thought it would be great to recreate the setting of that one scene in the movie where there had been a mirror over Kiyuki's bed.

But this was Mito's living room!

How and when had they all piled on top of each other on the floor? He gasped when chains wrapped around him and pulled him close.

"Hime-chan," Mito purred. "You smell goooood." Kakashi blushed all over himself. He slowly looked down to ensure Mito hadn't strangled Gai. Fortunately, Gai was still out cold, sleeping peacefully with Hayate's foot but certainly not moving, considering the chains.

Mito was dreaming about a really big and alive version of her slug plushie, Hime-chan. It was warm, vibrate-y and promised to go surfing with her later.

It was a lie!
Mito had to tie her up.

"Sensei's going to kill me." Despite the chains, Kakashi tried to move and looked twice, finding Anko's evil, smirking face now looking at him. They were nearly nose-to-nose. Thank God for his mask still being in place.

"Hokage-sama's going to kill you," Anko agreed before chuckling darkly. Ah, it's so fun to fuck with people. Something snuggled into her breast and Anko wondered how the hell Umino "I-stood-up-Mito" Iruka got invited to their little anti-decorating party. She didn't like men but could admit that his hands felt pretty good. "A little harder, Darling."

Mainly to fuck with the scarecrow.

"I do not want to be here for that," Kakashi said urgently to himself, gently trying to pry both Mito and her chains off of him despite how good she smelled. And how cute she looks.

"Are you sure about that?" Anko whispered, holding her head up and gesturing with her nose to the other side of her best friend where Genma and Tenzo were passed out holding an old Hyuuga lady. "Might want to get on that. I know you like her."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kakashi growled. He was still too drunk to realize that he'd put his arm around Mito's slim waist.

"Whatever you say, Scarecrow. –OooH, Iruka-kun! You dog, you!"

"Oh, God. –Please do not have sex next to me!" Kakashi turned more and hid in Mito's soft hair, falling asleep or passing out again - thankfully - quickly for a few blessed more hours.

Kakashi might have stolen a couple of glances in the mirror to see if Iruka and Anko were getting up to anything first, though. He was only human.

Pounding on the door woke the soon-to-be hungover group and Mito gasped, realizing that she was holding everyone around her down with her chains. It was as if she was a big spider! "Oh my God, I am so sorry!"

She had been dreaming that she was swimming in ramen and had been turned into a wagyu and then, being conscious, she'd tried to escape her bowl only to be sucked down into the noodles…

Oh gods: that was such a Mom dream.

"Mito-chan! I had a dream that Teuchi-san put me in a pot! I had to cook for a few hours but I had a Hokage cloak on so it was a good dream, ne?"

"Teuchi-san, the master of the Ramen no Jutsu?"

"That's right, my little ocean!"

Mito hadn't yet realized that she'd first recognized her embarrassing feat when she saw some of her baka, poorly decorating friends in a mirror that was hanging over her head. She hopped over the startled-looking shinobis and answered the door. "Oh-um-hayo, Tou-san!"

"I was so worried about you," Minato cried. "I went to see you last night but they said you were with Tsunade-hime and," he took a moment to breathe, grinning until he heard what he did. It was VERY early.

"We're all… going to die," coughed an adult male voice from behind his daughter. Gekko Hayate.

Mito had quickly narrowed the gap in the door and closed her eyes. Minato pushed it open and closed his eyes when he saw a ridiculous number of pale Jonins standing around in her living room. That was when he noticed that Mito was wearing Anko's very wrinkled clothes. "I guess you had a party."

"YES!" Gai shouted, pulling his fist down through the air. "A decorating party!"

Minato was not impressed. All around the main room, it looked like most of Mito's possessions were stacked on top of each other, ready to fall at any moment. At least Asuma was here; he surely would not have let anything happen. "Oh, Mito," he groaned, pinching his eyes and wishing he'd earlier gouged them out. "Why is there a mirror on your ceiling?"

Mito whipped her head around and up. "WHAT?! My big cool mirror! What's it doing up there?!"

"Oh my goodness," Minato muttered in shock as the head of his guard platoon followed the head of medicine, Tsunade, out of Mito's bedroom. Anko followed them: the only one looking unembarrassed - and she was followed by Naruto's favorite Academy sensei and Shizune-chan!

"I SWEAR it's not what it looks like, Mito-chan," Genma pleaded. He grimaced at the glare he got from his Hokage and wished he'd just kept his mouth shut.

Mito had her mouth hanging open although her eyes were alight with… something. Was that good or bad for him? Genma wondered.

In the meantime, someone with wild, two-toned hair was thinking,
"These fuckers better not have been having sex without me in my bed!"

"Tsunade's old and is wearing a jutsu! How fair is that?"

Genma remembered waking up next to Mito sometime in the night and had wandered off to the bathroom - and after that, his mind was simply blank. He still had his clothes on when he woke up, though, snuggled up to (Oh, God!) Tsunade-hime.

"I'll see ya at work if not before then, kid," Tsunade said on her way out, grabbing Shizune. She couldn't remember what had happened after trying to hang some pictures but now knew that the Genma kid was handsy. So was Mito's friend, Anko: REAL handsy.

Mito's eyes widened - her jaw dropping - when a frazzled-looking Hyuuga Kaori came stumbling out of the bathroom, holding her blushing great aunt's hand.

"Shouldn't you be at the Academy?" Minato reminded Iruka with gritted teeth. He was definitely not looking at what his Aunt Momo was doing. Why is she doing it here, though?!

Mito was wondering the same thing.

"Oh my." Iruka cursed and bowed. "Forgive me, Hokage-sama!" He sunshinned out in the first of MANY sunshins to quickly vacate Mito's apartment.

Now Mito had piles of leaves all over her living room. "Messy assholes."

Anko stretched and grinned at Mito and her father before falling back on Mito's comfy couch, her hands laced behind her head. "Wow. This is awkward."

Mito snorted before she fell into a fit of laughter.
"Oh, my head!"

.

"I didn't think of you being a sage," Mito said reasonably - she thought - to her father a few hours later. She had planned to see Jiraiya instead of her father.

Plus then she could've visited Naruto!

They were cleaned up and Anko, of course, had permission to be here at one of the big, creepy, secret T&I labs so they could unseal these poor people - or animals, Mito wasn't sure which - that Orochimaru had most likely created.

Minato sighed. "I suppose I'm at Jiraiya's level although I am not as fast as he is to enter Sage Mode."

"And he relies on those old toads singing so he's slow as shit. No offense," Mito tacked on. She was either still tipsy or chakra exhausted. Her mouth was definitely running on auto-pilot.

"Sage Mode is a very powerful technique," Minato said rather pompously, Mito thought. "One must carefully balance nature's chakra with…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Mito said, eager to get this show on the road. Her father sighed, sagging and nearly pouting (thus making her snort) while Anko rocked back and forth on her sandals.

"Mito-chan explained more about sage mode to me in theory, sir." Too much, in fact, Anko felt. "Thank you for doing this."

Mito was already laying out the body scrolls and had earlier brought over her research on the traitorous Mizuki "The Tigerman" sensei. Sadly(?) he had died from the extraction Mito had performed. The only reason it was sad, really, was that it didn't provide Anko with a whole lot of hope for getting that seal successfully removed. "I hope that butt guy's not alive in there."

"Mito, that is… highly disrespectful," Minato chided.

"You fought a butt," Anko snorted.

"I fight a butt every time I spar with you! –But seriously, though: this subject basically rose from the dead several times, getting more and more wiley each time he did." Accordingly, they all three pulled out kunais as Mito opened the scroll and pushed chakra into it.

"Oh my goodness," Minato said, gaping at the large… being. "How horrible."

Mito did the best she could, considering his present damaged structure to ensure that the male was dead. "He's got cellulite and everything," she sighed. His whole upper front half was a butt.

"Alright, Mito," Minato sighed - although his presently mouthy, goofy, and impaired daughter was right. "This is just terrible."

Anko grabbed one arm while Mito grabbed another so they could gently turn their subject over. Clearly, there wasn't a curse seal on his front side unless it was somewhere intimate. Gross. The purple-haired Jonin grimaced when she found a seal that, at least on the surface of his skin, looked just like hers but smaller. It was at about waist level. The ass' crack was all the way past where she would've imagined shoulder blades should've been, Anko noted.

She winced when Mito pushed a slim chain into the cursed seal after putting down a litany of empty storage scrolls. She looked up at Hokage-sama when he softly grasped her shoulder - and then patted it, smiling at her grimly.

Anko liked Hokage-sama enough. He had been an absent father but at least Mito had one. She respected Namikaze Minato of course. And God help her, he was always nice to her. Well, at least ever since Mito claimed me as her best friend, saying that she'd never give me up.

Mito did the same thing with this subject that she did with Mizuki: pulling his seal open and then extracting its component parts. Sure enough, there was a white snake in there that made Anko secretly want to go running. This one was dead at least.

In the end, nothing happened. The guy was just dead. "Shit," Anko summed up.

"You were right, Mito," Minato said from behind her. "Part of him - his organs, perhaps, have turned to stone."

"We'll have to do a full autopsy. You look a lot better than Jiraiya-ojii does in Sage Mode, Tou-san."

"Ah, yes," Minato nodded, "I did struggle with toadlike features when I originally trained on the mountain." He watched as his daughter pulled out another body scroll and unfurled it on a second table that Anko brought over. As soon as Mito pressed her chakra into it, he pushed the girls back, fearing that the person/"subject" as Mito was now calling him, was alive. "There is active nature's chakra here. If he's dead, I should MAYBE be able to detect residuals although I was unsure if that was even possible."

"So he's alive?" Anko asked. She grabbed one of his wrists and checked for a pulse.

"This was the one who looked like he was half bear." He was just an ordinary-looking albeit hairy man now. Mito was checking the subject's vitals and asked for them to give her a few minutes. It was over three minutes later that she felt a rapid pulse but it ended as quickly as it had come. "Let's try it again." She grabbed the paddles - hoping that T&I only used the defibrillator as it was intended. Not a good sign that it's on and ready, though. "Clear!"

She shocked his chest.

"He's alive," Minato said breathily. Anko, having grabbed one of the man's wrists, nodded in agreement.

"Now you have to decide what to do with him, huh?" Mito pressed a heavy gravity seal into his frame, making the unconscious man groan. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you anymore." She checked his vitals again, waiting as the minutes passed to make sure his heart didn't stop again. "Sinus… His pulse is slow and highly irregular," she explained, changing tracks and hoping to sound less like an encyclopedia than she'd often been accused of.

"Can you keep him unconscious for now?" Minato asked. Mito nodded and Anko pointed out that the man's curse seal was on the side of his neck, near his ear.

Mito shook her head sadly. "Ino-chan guessed that the subjects may have lacked fully-functioning cerebral cortexes but then again, this man was probably two meters taller when I fought him. And he looked like a bear then. Bear-person," she clarified stupidly. She shrugged when Anko raised her purple eyebrows at her - although she knew her best friend found nothing about this funny, either. "The next guy is badly burned and… Hinote: you know, the lion? He got hold of him, too. Are you two sure you want to be here for this?"

Both Anko and Minato nodded but braced themselves.

"He's alive," Minato gasped as soon as the body was unsealed. Mito's hands lit up in a blue hue over her patient's head: he didn't look like a "wolfman" as Mito had earlier described but then again it was hard to discern anything about what was left of him. Minato hoped that Mito was disabling his pain receptors or something. "He's… slowly turning to stone: his limbs." Minato couldn't help but shudder.

Jiraiya-sensei and Lord Fukasaku had warned him about this.

"Let's find that curse seal, Anko!"

"Here," Minato said, sensing exactly where the damn thing was when the girls turned him over. He took a step back when Mito yanked the thing open and pulled a long, alive white snake out of a portion of the seal. She followed that up by using a syringe to extract an oily liquid that was in the next component, just like she had before. The already large man grew, his bones cracking. Hair started to grow through his flesh and Mito pushed her chakra into his head.

"Time of death: 1504." She put an arm around Anko and rubbed her arm as she shuddered. Mito was pretty damn shaken up, too. "The other part of his seal is empty, like yours."

"Thank you, Mito," Anko eventually said blankly, staring straight ahead of her. She couldn't help but see herself in this poor person's place. "Thank you, Hokage-sama."

Mito grabbed Anko's shoulders and shook her, accidentally picking her up off the ground. "Don't you think I've given up yet, Anko-chan! For example, I don't know what this liquid is," she said, jiggling the big syringe. "I don't know what it is Yet! –It's probably some kind of for-real snake oil or something but I haven't encountered it before. There are no records of it but when I figure it out…"

"I may have an idea of what it could be," Minato interrupted. "May I take the vial or a sample of what you withdrew? I'll need to have someone look at it."

Mito was worried about anyone getting their hands on this stuff. "May I ask where you want to take it, Hokage-sama?"

"To Mount Myoboku." He ruffled Anko's hair, clearly surprising her. Aww. Anko needs more hair ruffles. "I'll do everything I can to help you, Anko-chan. I'll get back to you both as soon as possible. …Could you assist me by reporting to Genma and Shukaku where I'll be? I'll return shortly to my office."

"Of course." Anko thanked him and turned back to Mito, smiling tightly but looking at least a little hopeful again.

"Wait," Mito requested, grabbing his cloak's sleeve. "I found some literature that lent evidence to the idea that Kabuto was using nature's energy to heal as quickly as he did. The Hermit's Chakra doesn't really work that way. Can you ask the toads about that, too?"

"I will, Mito."

.

"I'm sorry you had to see all that," Mito said after her father reverse-summoned himself. She continued clearing the area and called for transport upstairs for her remaining living subject. Anko grasped her hands, shaking them, and then ran off to inform the right people that her father had run off again.

I hope you can find something, Tou-san. Mito just had to get that seal off of Anko.

.

Minato wound up learning that the liquid was extremely similar to Toad Oil but was most likely found in the Ryuchi Cave.

Mito was so excited they had another clue that she hugged her father tightly, picking him up and bouncing around as she got carried away again.

The question was, what could they do with that knowledge?

Days later -

After training alone all day, Mito was a sweaty, tired mess when she got back to her apartment. She couldn't wait to clean up and…

"SURPRISE!"

Mito's chin dropped and she looked at her girlfriends, colleagues, great aunt, and mentor in shock as her eyes roamed her living room. "Why are there sex toys all over my apartment?" They were "things" in every corner and on the shelves next to all her candles! There was even what had to be a gag-gift dildo on the bar that was so damn tall that it was softly bent in half and still went to the ceiling. Mito was sure it was taller than her. And how the hell did you guys get in here?

Oh right, she left that one window open again.

"Happy birthday!"

"Oh." Mito blushed and smiled up at all of them shyly. "Thanks!"

"You're welcome, Idiot!"
"Where the hell have you been?"
"We've been looking for you all day!"
"I gave you the day off so we'd have a nice, relaxing spa day, and you up and vacate Konoha. You weren't in the village, right?"
"Your father was very unhappy."
"He's often pissed."
"The mirror on your ceiling's a nice touch, Mito!"
"Be nice: it is her birthday."
"I actually like it - but it would be better in the bedroom."
"So that… what? Mito can watch herself?"
"Hey! That changes tonight!"
"I told you the mirror was Genma's idea and he used a seal!"
"That guy's a fuckboy."
"You know who else is a fuckboy and a possibility for her…"

"Ha," Mito was overwhelmed. "I love you guys." The women were all (drinking sake and) talking over each other and Mito was pushed into the bathroom.

"Take a shower: you're all sweaty and repulsive," Shizune said with all of the love and care in the world.

Not.

"Okay, but I still want to know where all those dildos and vibrators came from!"

"They're your presents," Tsunade yelled from the living room. "Be grateful!"

"We're gonna get you laid tonight for real, though, Mito-chaaaaan," Yugao laughed.

Mito shut the bathroom door and winced at the dirty, sweaty face looking back at her in the mirror. "I guess I better shave and stuff then." She stuck her head back out the door as soon as she had thrown her clothes in the hamper. "I want ramen, okay?"

"Okay!"

Mito really loved her friends. It didn't occur to her until late the next day that her continued, utter lack of a sex life was hot gossip in Konoha.