DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from the Naruto universe. This is my Mito, though.

Thinking (+ flashbacks, "Mito speaking to Kurama in her mindscape," etc .)
Emphasis
Bijuu, etc. speaking
Bijuu, etc. thinking

A/N: Don't feel so bad for Ace. He's not quite what he seems.

Kakuzu silently wandered back to his teammate, the most-likely soon-to-be-corpse, Jugo Ace.

"Ace" was a batshit-crazy Iwa rogue; from Iwa's famed Explosive Corp, no less. One would think that Ace would've known what their most recent target was capable of, considering their target had been an A-ranked Iwa rogue. But no, their target had blown himself up using one of Ace's techniques - losing Kakuzu one of his precious hearts.

Because they were just outside of Ame, which was rocked by the explosion, Pein had gotten himself involved, ordering him not to kill Ace but Kakuzu promised the man nothing. If Pein wanted to keep the cash coming in - and clearly he did - then Pein needed him.

None of the other idiots in their ragtag organization seeking a new world order gave a damn about money. Even Pein was only using cash as a means to an end.

How could one not care about money?

Kakuzu figured he had always known that money ruled the world: ever since he was a starving orphan found outside of a rich village that demanded lifelong village loyalty and UNDEFEATED military service in exchange for the most basic excuses for food and shelter. A near-century later, the world was no less a cruel fucking place but money cushioned the worst of it on a personal level. It made everything run on an interdimensional one, too.

"So wha' Leader say?" Ace asked before spitting out some of his chewing tobacco.

Kakuzu thought it was a disgusting habit - and a wasteful one. "He gave us a new target."

"Where we headed? Don't tell him what we got, Acey-boy!"

Kakuzu stared at his partner. He didn't want to ask. Ace had what he assumed were multiple personalities, each worse than the last but he swore that if the man had been screwing with him all of this time, Kakuzu would make Ace's death more painful than all of his former kills combined.

Kakuzu also couldn't help but wonder if Ace was hiding money or something valuable, considering what he'd just said. "What are you talking about?" he asked as he led the other shinobi southeast.

"A sword! Aww! I told you not to tell him! It's a two-fer, I guess." The scarred man, a victim of his clan's (and Kakuzu had now seen, Ace's OWN) jutsus made some kind of weird gesture that looked like he was imitating what a bow and arrow might look like when used. "Don't tell him where we gots it!"

Kakuzu sighed. Of all Ace's personalities he'd dealt with so far, that third shrill voice belonged to the one he abhorred the most. Continuing to stride forward, he pulled out his bingo book, looking for their newest target's most recent stats. They needed to move. "We're headed to Fire Country."

God, Kakuzu hated Fire Country.

"I know Fire Country is said to have the best climate on the continent," one of Ace's more calm, learned voices said in a pleasant tone. If Kakuzu wasn't mistaken, this guy was the intermediary of the rest of the voices in his rock-and-slush-filled head. "However what I've always enjoyed most is the snow."

"That's because you're a fucking idiot," Kakuzu assumed. "Now shut up and let's move to his last known location before I kill you."

"EEP!"

Kakuzu was definitely going to kill this guy! He had a stronger feeling that he was being messed with today than any other day since being partnered with this moron a month ago!

"Who is our um, target?" Ace eventually asked.

Kakuzu was earlier going to keep their target to himself as long as possible in case he was one of Ace's relatives or close comrades. Now that he'd decided to kill Ace, he figured he could let him know. Might as well get it over with. If he needed to kill Ace before they met their target, that would still work for him. "Another Iwa nin."

"Really? –That's great! I hate Iwa!"

Kakuzu internally groaned. At least that was one thing they could agree on right now.

.

Fortunately, their trip was fast. Not that he would ever wish Ace to speak but Kakuzu had so much baggage with Fire Country that he could've used a distraction. Especially with Konoha.

Who knows? Maybe if it hadn't been for his defeat at the hands of the OG, the first Hokage, Kakuzu would have grandchildren sitting on his knee in Taki today.

* Doubtful, but possible.
* How. Fucking. Horrible.

Kakuzu abhorred his home village and all of their bullshit. Imagining a brood of hard-to-kill, heart-thirsty earth-users, he'd bet they'd all be just as determined as he was. Considering that he would've undoubtedly killed the little imaginary shits' imaginary mother - either that or she would've died which would've REALLY pissed him off - they'd all be coming for him.

Good luck with that!

Ace grinned at his companion. Kakuzu was very strong and brave but Ace had no idea where they were going or if they had a new target. Sometimes he really regretted what he'd let the Tsuchikage and Iwa do to him. "Whatcha thinking about?"

"Chopping your head off!"

Ace chuckled. "I'll be really hard to kill now that I've got one of the Seven."

Kakuzu felt that strange peace come over him that always did when a valuable treasure was within reach but revealed nothing. "Oh?" It wasn't his fault that his mind had raced to the Seven Swords of Kiri. What else would the bastard have on him? One of the Seven Great Temples? You couldn't carry a fucking temple!

- Probably.
- The Uzumakis were all but wiped out, so you probably couldn't.

He decided to fish for more information, hoping that Ace's current manifestation would stick around for a while so that he'd be successful. "Where did you get it?"

"I don't remember," Ace admitted. "I don't think I've been in Kiri in years so I'm thinking maybe our last target had it on him?"

BINGO! Kakuzu might just dance a jig - and would if he could get paid for it. Then Ace's words replayed in his head. "So you've been holding out on me?!"

"Hmm?" Ace asked. "What are we talking about?"

Kakuzu trembled all over, enraged. He'd get that sword one way or another and he figured he could have Ace go scout around for their target because the big man sure wasn't where Pein said he was last seen. "We're looking for an Iwa nin who goes by the sole name of 'Sunshine.'"

"'Sunshine?'" Ace parroted back with a big grin that was missing half its teeth. "I have a brother named Sunshine!"

Kakuzu stared at him. "Of course you do."

Ace waved his finger, looking even happier. "Ah, but of course, I'm not from Iwa."

Which is why you have a slashed Iwa hitai-ate on your forehead and a tattoo of boulders on your back.

This guy was definitely screwing with him!

.

Kakuzu planned to soon kill Ace and his potential brother, and then cash in their bodies: right after nabbing that sword. He had black market contacts in every Elemental Nation and - as long as Ace hadn't blabbed to Kisame - he'd get a great price for whatever Kiri sword Ace had with no one the wiser. And this time all that dough is for me.

The trouble is, he was beginning to fear he might soon have a stroke.

"Yeah, I know Sunshine; he was just here," an old barkeep smiled toothily. This guy had too many teeth. "He's that Canadian food critic, right?"

Kakuzu wiped his hand down his face in exasperation. If PEIN had arranged this, he was going to die instead - no matter how difficult that might be. Sure, he'd killed one (alright: two) of his previous Akatsuki partners but no one deserved this.

"You're shitting me," Ace had stilled, fisting both of his hands. He was shaking.

Kakuzu thought they might have finally found something else they could get behind. Let's kill the civilian bartender! The man's heart probably wouldn't work as a strong replacement but Kakuzu still had Ace for that.

Ace turned to his partner with vengeful determined eyes. "I have a BROTHER who's a Canadian food critic! We can't let this wannabe Sunshine cash in on his turf!"

Kakazu let out a wail he'd deny to his dying day but Ace was already getting his follow-up question answered before dashing out the door.

.

Ace and Sunshine weren't just brothers: they were twin brothers.

Because of course they were.

Pein had to have known!

They'd tracked their target to a gambling den.

Kakuzu nodded at the nervous civilian beside him, as if he too were in on the joke. "Perhaps today IS a good day to die."

The problem Kakuzu had as the minutes ticked by, however, was that the brothers were attracting a lot of attention. The joint they were in didn't seem the kind of place the Yellow Flash would frequent, but he wouldn't put it past one of the Sannins to stroll in, spilling cash and giant summons. That was the last thing Kakuzu needed.

Neither twin trusted the other since they hadn't seen each other in years and both might have some unresolved mental health issues - as well as a LOT of physical scarring.

Ace and Sunshine agreed to gamble in order to determine who was telling the truth about his identity.

Keeping his senses peeled, Kakuzu ducked into a bathroom and stashed his Akatsuki cloak. He also pocketed his hitai-ate before returning to watch the men make enemies out of everyone in the seedy parlor. As nuts as Ace and Sunshine were, their luck in coins was pretty damn good.

Now the owner, some pissant arms merchant, was making eyes at his men. The guy's goons began moving into more strategic locations which, unless the guy owned a chakra cannon, was a very big mistake.

But as whenever things turned to money, Kakuzu's luck had finally begun turning in a positive direction, too. Ace and Sunshine were making so much noise and generally being such assholes to the staff and other patrons, Kakuzu seemed to have been completely forgotten about.

"You'll have to catch me first," Sunshine suddenly shouted as he ran out the door, Ace on his tail.

One of the idiots had taken the till!

Kakuzu sighed. Maybe he wasn't as inconspicuous-looking as he'd earlier hoped. Now everyone who remained wanted a piece of his ass. "I'll be right back."

.

Following the explosions, Kakuzu knew he needed to catch up fast. A lot of shinobis used this general route - as did traders - and that meant at any moment, Konoha ninjas would be all over them.

Even closer was that big Fire Temple. Years back there had been a coup but for generations the ninja monks trained there.

"Kakuzu, here," Ace screamed, coming out of his hiding place and pointing. Kakuzu quickly followed him through the trees. "This position's bad, man!"

Kakuzu was aware of that. At least Ace's brother was leading them deeper into the Fire Nation's vast forests. There were also a couple of old collection spots he knew of in this direction so things were improving once again. He hardened his body at the last possible second when an enormous flash tag went off. Because of who he was following, Kakuzu had assumed it was an explosive note.

Before he could see again, an explosive note had gone off and sent him flying backward. Kakuzu jumped into the trees seconds later to get a better look at what was going on. I knew it. It looked like the brothers had decided to turn on him.

"Kakuzu of the Waterfall: come out, come out wherever you are," Sunshine cackled like a loon. Kakuzu noted that he was turned in the wrong direction. "You'll never come between me and my bro!"

Kakuzu sent out an enormous wind jutsu, eager to end these morons. As long as their ugly mugs were recognizable enough to get paid, the brothers would fetch a tidy sum. Plus there's that sword. "Heh. You know you can't turn against the Akatsuki, Ace."

"Who said I was going to?" Ace screamed as he jumped on his brother. Ace was throwing fists and jutsus at his brother wildly, pushing him toward Kakuzu.

The turn had once again surprised the much older shinobi. "Good to see you understand," Kakuzu said neutrally. The twins seemed evenly matched and as long as Kakuzu stayed out of their ranges, it would be easier to go after one and then the other. He'd let them weaken each other up, as long as he stayed sharp and their little battle didn't last too long.

Once Kakuzu was able to grab Sunshine with his jutsu, he began reeling the rogue in, eager to take his heart. "Good job, Ace."

Ace stilled, and Kakuzu grabbed him with his Earth Grudge, too. He couldn't help but let out a quiet chuckle.

"Where are we?" Ace asked incredulously. He was so confused but it looked like their battle was over and… "Sunshine?! Sunshine? Is that you?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He threw himself on Kakuzu, using his Kekkei Genkai to blow them all to hell if he had to. Anything rather than see his little brother as a part of that disgusting Kakuzu's body.

…

.

Kakuzu reeled back, panting, clutching his chest. "You… Fucking Traitor!"

"You killed my brother," Ace breathed shakily. He was burned and couldn't think and…

"You killed your brother, you fucking moron!"

"Don't call me that!" Ace unleashed his new sword and pierced part of it into the earth, HARD, right where Kakuzu was hiding his hearts.

Long ago, the greedy Kakuzu had made a fatal error: he'd tried to kill the Tsuchikage. Onoki had given Ace one last mission, and Ace was determined to finish it!

Kakuzu didn't move; too shocked at what had just happened. Shocked but not surprised. I'll never let it happen again. "You lost me another heart."

Thanks to his own partner, Kakuzu had been down to THREE hearts - and just now Ace had plunged that damn Kiri longsword, Nuibari, through another! Frankly, he wasn't sure whether or not he'd still be able to use that one, but his vasculature hurt like mad. At least Ace hadn't channeled chakra through it.

Kakuzu felt like he was bleeding out. "You'll pay. …I will take your heart. Slowly. Painfully."

Ace limped off, running for his life.

.

.

Less than an hour later -

Kakuzu remembered this part of Hi no Kuni - and he didn't like it. Said to be inhabited by demons, he'd never believed the stories until he'd followed Senju Hashirama's trail to the nearby Buddhist Temple so long ago. He had been THRILLED when he'd seen the First Hokage's pretty Uzumaki bride walking regally from the temple ALONE in the evening.

A young, naive Kakuzu had thought he'd found paydirt.

Not only did he plan to use her against the Hokage but Kakuzu was sure that either Konoha or Uzushio would pay big time to get her back after the God of Shinobi was put down. But then she disappeared, right in front of his eyes: not in a sunshin, not in any kind of teleportation.

It was as if she melted into thin air.

Kakuzu staked out this area on and off for weeks after that. He'd seen the man who was said to be the greatest sensor of all time, Senju Tobirama, get lost in this neck of Konoha until Uzumaki-Senju Mito had appeared again, chuckling and teasing him for "being so silly."

He just needed to wait.

Kakuzu didn't believe the stories about the demons or this being where the Shinigami ruled from - but it didn't hurt to be careful.

He set up some traps or markers wherever he saw others walk safely over the next week.

Ace would come out sooner or later, dead or alive - and then, Kakuzu believed, he would have his prizes.

...

Fortune did not favor Kakuzu that week, though.
Or perhaps he should've considered himself lucky to have survived at all. He only left the area when Pein demanded his presence in Ame.

.

Hidden, high in the trees that surrounded the Uzumaki Temple, Namikaze Mito grinned viciously.

"Come to Mama."

As soon as she saw those horrendous red clouds, lined with white on lame black robes, she was overcome with so much adrenaline and bloodlust that she'd nearly jumped down on the scumbag, ready to drive her knee through the man and maybe - in her wildest ghoulish dreams - straight into the earth's core itself.

"Think," she scolded herself with a hiss. Mito shook, watching the guy twist all over the place as if he were caught in an invisible raging whirlpool. She frowned, biting back a wobbly grin upon seeing the Akatsuki smack into a tree and then go cartwheeling over somersaults into another. The guy was making an utter ass out of himself and making so much noise that she couldn't help but glance around, wondering if anyone else was going to come barging into what was thus far his one-man, self-ass-whooping party. Momentarily, she thought of taking her phone out and recording him.

Unfortunately, there were chakra signatures all over the place in the nearby area. Hundreds of civilians and shinobis alike; none but her getting to witness this gem of physical comedy. It's good to be Mito today. "Ah, what the hell." Mito pulled out her phone and began recording, after all. If no one else appreciated it, Zabuza and Anko would LOVE this.

Mito was recording for a more practical reason, too.

Kiba and Naruto would also probably enjoy this, but then her brother might think it was sacrilege or something, being that the guy kept flopping into the Uzumaki shrine's land before being partially flung out again. Heck, it might be sacrilege.

Mito had never seen or heard of this happening before. Almost two decades earlier, her father had gotten lost in the Uzumaki Temple's vortex genjutsu. Her father had only forgotten what he was doing and wandered around lost, never leaving the area.

Maybe the recording will help me figure this out.

Maybe ill intent has something to do with it?

Mito winced.

What am I going to do with this guy?!

"My heart," the Iwa nin moaned. "Sunshine! Oh, Sunshine."

Mito blinked, realizing for the first time that the hour she'd been given to take care of the temple had long passed. There was very little sunshine left outside. Goddammit. Mito didn't doubt for a second that her father would send someone looking for her considering that he'd had her followed so often.

Landing silently on the ground, she pressed her hands flat against it, and pushed her chains through. Just like that, her frantic, tumbling target stilled and she dragged him underground and out again, right in front of her, socking him in the face and jumping on him.

One of her knees was dug into his groin, the other pinned painfully into one thigh. Her chains wrapped around him and Mito grinned her head off. "Hello, shithead. Welcome to hell!"

Ace desperately tried to catch a breath but thought the kunoichi might have crushed his sternum. Namikaze Mito: he knew who she was from the moment he was caught in Uzumaki Adamantine chains. The last wielder. "Help me," he grunted.

Mito frowned at him. "No. You're Akatsuki and I'm hunting your scumbag traitor of a comrade, Uchiha Obito. Start talking before I start pulling off limbs. You can ask Obito: I've done it before."

"A man," he got out in what he planned was a lie before beginning to lose consciousness.

.

Ace blinked rapidly when he could finally breathe. It was true: Namikaze Mito WAS a medic. "I'm not Akatsuki! A man was chasing me: my- my heart!"

Mito frowned; he didn't seem to be lying.

"My heart! SUNSHINE!"

Mito was baffled and she could almost see Kurama shrugging in her head. She pulled on one of the weird things hanging out of his cloak and gasped. "These are some kind of… vesicles? Holy shit!" What the fuck! "You're serious?" He - or his heart, as he put it - had been attacked!

Ace wasn't sure. "What?" He looked around, gasping when he saw her. "Namikaze Mito. Ha!" He bit down and a gas steamed out of his mouth.

Poison! Really strong poison! Mito instinctively recoiled, holding her breath, her chains coming with her. Feeling his chakra surge into a seal that covered his torso, she used a wind blade to chop his head off and walled herself underground.

She finally came up, coughing and hacking but ready to fight - but this guy was done for. "Well, shit. …Oh man, I don't feel so good." She fell backward and let the near darkness take her.