Chapter 86: The Doubt

The days following Claude's return were relaxing. Esmeralda made sure he was comfortable while his injuries healed, helping him move about when needed and keeping him company when he needed to sit for periods of time. It was a rather pleasant recovery. Quasimodo and Elaine stopped by once, expressing their gratitude for Claude's safe return and becoming excited when the ultimate success of the mission was reported. They were probably tempted to ask if something had changed in Esmeralda and Claude's relationship, since the happy mood shared by them was so obvious, but they didn't ask. Claude assumed that they were waiting to be told. He appreciated that and planned on paying a visit to Quasimodo when he was feeling more up to it. Then he would explain more about the journey and what was currently going on. But if he were asked presently, Claude wasn't sure what he would say if someone asked the status of his relationship with Esmeralda.

Not that there was anything awkward about that relationship. Things were better between them than ever. They happily spent most of their hours together, reading and playing card games to pass the time. They also enjoyed cuddling to make up for the days they'd missed each other's touch. And kissing.

They'd kissed quite a few times in the days since their reunion. At first Claude had been hesitant to try to kiss Esmeralda because he was used to having to limit intimate contact with her. He'd explicitly asked her permission a few times until she'd assured him that he really was allowed to kiss her. Since then, there was no hesitation. Any time they happened to be looking at each other lovingly, one of them would lean in for a kiss and the other would gladly accept it.

Their relationship had certainly turned in a romantic direction. The only reason Claude couldn't name the status of it was that there hadn't been an official agreement between him and Esmeralda. They were behaving romantically, but they'd done that before without making any commitment, so it felt premature to say they were a couple. Claude didn't want to put a name to this relationship until it was official, but he did have a feeling that it would become official soon. He wasn't in a rush to make that happen, however. He and Esmeralda hadn't talked about it yet because they hadn't felt the need to. They would discuss it when it came up naturally. But until then, they were happy just to enjoy each other's company without needing to think of what it meant in the bigger picture.

What they wanted to accomplish right now was getting to the end of Sir Gawain's tale. One night, Claude was contentedly sitting in bed with Esmeralda, listening to her excitedly read the poem.

"For whoever goes girdled with this green riband, while he keeps it well clasped closely about him, there is none so hardy under heaven that to hew him were able; for he could not be killed by any cunning of hand."

Esmeralda stopped reading, shocked.

"A green belt..." She whispered. "Did that come from the green knight?!"

"Maybe." Claude teased.

"This is getting more and more interesting!" Esmeralda grinned. "You'll need to read the last part, though. I want to hear it in your voice."

Claude chuckled.

"You always go on about my voice."

"What can I say? I love listening to it."

Esmeralda closed the book and turned toward Claude, hooking a hand into the curls of his hair and smiling at him. Claude smiled back and leaned toward her, kissing her lips. She kissed him back joyfully, making the contact long and sensual.

Claude enjoyed it, but something unexpected caught his attention. There was a touch of extra exertion in the way Esmeralda was kissing him. And as her hands travelled over him, her fingers pressed against his body tightly. She wasn't touching him in a suggestive manner, but that extra pressure was a sign of desire. She wanted more than a kiss, but she was restraining herself.

Realizing this, Claude broke the kiss. Esmeralda looked at him worriedly.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing." Claude replied. "I just noticed that you're... Especially energetic."

Esmeralda blushed.

"Oh! I'm sorry..."

"No need to apologize. I just didn't think you were in that mood."

Despite sharing numerous kisses over the last few days, neither of them had made any attempt at doing more than that. Claude wanted to, as there was a seldom a time when the idea of making love to Esmeralda didn't appeal to him, but he hadn't tried to initiate it. He'd assumed that she would say so if she wanted that, like she normally did. The fact that she hadn't indicated such an interest had led Claude to think that it was just too soon.

"Well... Yes. I am in that mood." Esmeralda struggled. "But I understand if you're not."

"I never said that." Claude said with a smirk, stroking Esmeralda's thigh. "If you want it, you only need to ask."

"Aren't you in pain?" Esmeralda questioned. "I just didn't think you'd want to do it with those injuries..."

"They're a nuisance." Claude admitted. "But I'm not in so much pain that I can't have a little fun with you."

He traced his fingers over her jawline seductively. Esmeralda looked at him with a suggestive smile before proceeding to kiss him again.

They embraced the passion, kissing intensely and touching each other. But just as it was getting exciting, Claude found himself distracted.

No... He thought. Not now...

But he couldn't control it. The images came quickly. He saw the torch... Heard the threats of hellfire...

"You don't understand the fire that awaits you... I will simply have to make you understand!"

Pitiful Claude Frollo. Burned over a kiss, all to make him afraid of going to hell.

It worked...

Claude relived the burn once again, the threat of punishment echoing in his head. His heart pounded in a panic while Esmeralda kissed him. Still, he didn't pull away.

He only did that after her hands went under his shirt, reminding him of where the burn had marked him.

The fire in his skin...

Suddenly, the image of the torch against his body became painfully vivid.

"STOP!" Claude shouted.

Esmeralda froze in fright as he jerked away from her. For a moment she worried that she'd angered him, but one look at Claude's face told her what was really going on. She knew that fearful expression, and the way he was breathing intensely...

Claude slowly came back to reality, taking in the sight of a concerned Esmeralda. Great... He'd cut off a perfectly nice moment and given her something to worry about.

"...I'm sorry." Claude apologized.

"No, don't apologize!" Esmeralda insisted. "You didn't do anything wrong."

Ashamed, Claude turned around and sat on the edge of the bed, grabbing his head in his hands and letting out a slight growl. He was livid. This shouldn't be happening. He shouldn't still be at the mercy of this fear. He should be able to control it by now...

Esmeralda came to sit by him, putting an arm around him.

"Claude, it's okay!" She assured.

"No..." Claude whispered. "This shouldn't be happening. I should be over this fear by now, but I'm not. I'm so angry with myself for that!"

"It's not your fault!" Esmeralda argued. "You went through something horrible. Anyone would be scared after that!"

"It was so many years ago..."

"But you've only just started to work through it. Be patient with yourself."

Claude wondered how long he would go through this. He'd previously escaped the terror of the flames for a long time, but only by coping in all the wrong ways, doing nothing to really solve it and leaving it to come back worse. Besides, everything Claude had done to cope before had made him insufferable and miserable. He really needed to deal with this issue in a healthy way. But how long would that take? Months? Years? How many times would he panic like this? How many times would Esmeralda have to see it?

The idea of continuing to deal with this and having her there for it was upsetting. Claude did want her with him, the alternative to that was worse than any panic attack or nightmare. But he didn't want her to be burdened with his suffering.

"I judged Livia so harshly." Claude started.

Esmeralda looked at him curiously, unsure why he was bringing this up.

"For the longest time I hated her for running." Claude continued. "But really, it was the safest decision she could have made. She might have been hurt if she hadn't left..."

He eyed Esmeralda apologetically.

"I wouldn't blame you if you made that choice too." He told her.

Shocked, Esmeralda grabbed Claude's hand and held it tightly.

"I'm not going anywhere." She said firmly. "Don't say things like that."

"Maybe it would be better for you." Claude suggested.

"No!" Esmeralda retorted. "I know things are difficult right now, but I'm going to stick with you through it. That's what couples do."

Claude's attention was grabbed by the mention of couples.

"Is that what we are?" He asked. "A couple?"

"Yes!" Esmeralda exclaimed.

She paused, suddenly looking uncertain.

"I mean, if you want that..." She clarified.

Claude worried that his intentions had somehow been confused, so he squeezed Esmeralda's hand and looked at her with the most obvious sincerity.

"Of course I want that." Claude answered. "I want you with every fiber of my being. But even more than that, I want what is best for you."

"Claude..." Esmeralda started. "Please-"

"I am fifty-three years of age." Claude said firmly, cutting her off.

Esmeralda eyed him sternly.

"I don't care about that!" She insisted.

Claude moved on to the next issue he could think of.

"I took everything from you." He said regretfully.

"I already forgave you." Esmeralda reminded. "Claude..."

"Clopin will think you've lost your mind!" Claude interrupted.

His eyes were starting to glisten with a few tears. Concerned, Esmeralda continued her rebuttal.

"He'll think that anyway," She insisted. "but I'll make him understand! Listen-"

"I can't even kiss you without PANICKING!" Claude sobbed.

Suddenly, Esmeralda had nothing to say. Claude's outburst ended immediately when he saw the look on her face. She was stunned, and brokenheartedly so. She looked both horrified and sorrowful.

"Is that true?" She asked in shock. "Do you really feel that way every time we kiss?"

Claude realized the terrible wording of his last sentence. Regretful, he looked at her apologetically, cupping her cheek.

"No..." He said sincerely. "I didn't mean it that way. I love kissing you. I love everything I do with you. I'm only referring to... what happened just now..."

Claude closed his eyes, shaking his head in shame.

"It isn't a regular thing." He acknowledged. "But this isn't the first time it has happened, and I doubt it will be the last. And then there's the nightmares... I had a few while I was away, and I really don't think they will stop any time soon."

He wrapped both his hands around one of Esmeralda's, looking into her eyes again.

"I have serious issues." Claude said sorrowfully. "And as hard as I am trying to deal with them, I expect that these horrible moments will be happening for the foreseeable future. Selfishly, I want you there when they happen, but you shouldn't have to live with that. My suffering shouldn't be your burden..."

If it hadn't already been clear that Claude's other arguments were mere excuses, it was clear now. Esmeralda could see his guilt over this problem. Guilt that shouldn't be his. It wasn't right. Esmeralda wouldn't have it.

She placed her remaining hand on top of his.

"Please listen to me, Claude." She begged. "I know what I want. I want you, and I have for quite a while. No amount of these moments is going to change my mind about that. It's okay if we can't always be intimate, and it's okay if you need comfort sometimes. It would take a lot more than that to get rid of me."

"How can you handle that again and again?" Claude questioned.

"Because I know you'll be there for me too." Esmeralda answered. "It would be a problem if this didn't go both ways, but you always take care of me. You're the person who holds me when I cry, and stands up for me, and goes to every possible length to make me happy. You're always there for me, so I want to be there for you too. I want to see you through these things no matter how long it takes."

Somehow, Claude hadn't realized exactly how much he had done to care for Esmeralda. He'd done his best to support her through every difficult time, but that had only seemed like common sense to him. Somehow, he'd failed to realize that his love meant as much to her as hers meant to him.

"I know you want me to be happy." Esmeralda continued. "And nothing would make me happier than starting a life with you. I know it won't be perfect. I know some people won't understand, and I'll have to have a really awkward conversation with Clopin. But that's okay. I want to be with you no matter how awkward or hard it is. I love you."

Claude could not imagine hearing more loving words. A tear rolled out of his eye as he processed it all. Esmeralda wiped it away, stroking his cheek a little.

"And Claude," she started again. "no matter what they made you think, you deserve to have someone to take care of you too."

Claude was still uneasy about the healing process that remained for him. But as long as Esmeralda was there to talk to him like this, he knew it would be easier. She helped him understand the lies he'd previously believed, especially the lie that he was unlovable. She showed him that love could and should belong to him.

"You always know what to say." Claude praised.

Esmeralda smiled a little.

"I try." She responded.

Without another word, Claude pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. Esmeralda locked her arms around him and laid her head on his uninjured shoulder. They came apart after a minute, and Claude held Esmeralda's hands.

"I love you, Esmeralda." He told her, a smile forming on his face. "And I am very willing to be yours."

Esmeralda smiled widely, squeezing Claude's hands.

"And I'm so excited to be yours." She returned.

"You are the loveliest person in my eyes." Claude added. "I shall aspire to become worthy of you."

"I'll aspire to make you see that you don't have to." Esmeralda promised.

Claude smiled even more. He didn't think anyone else could so easily make him feel better about himself.

"I'd like to kiss you again." He shared.

"Are you sure?" Esmeralda asked.

"Nothing more than that for now, but I would definitely like a kiss."

"I'm happy to kiss you. Just let me know if you want to stop. That goes for any time."

Claude nodded.

He leaned toward her slowly until their lips touched. It wasn't sensual or heavy, just a soft and chaste kiss. It was just what was needed right now, a soft expression of love. Their first kiss as an official couple.

Thanks as always! Just a few more chapters to go!