Chapter 87: The Breakthrough
"Esmeralda, please!" Clopin begged. "Talk to me!"
Ignoring him, Esmeralda continued to sob under the blanket. She didn't want to explain why she was crying like this. It felt like a silly reason, something she had no right to be this upset over. She was eighteen, for crying out loud. Besides, she'd been through much worse things than this. She'd grown up without parents and lost her aunt too. A rude comment didn't seem like much to get emotional about in comparison.
Clopin pulled the blanket back to reveal her face.
"What happened?" He asked. "Was someone mean to you? Who do I need to beat up?!"
Clopin's concern was somewhat comforting. There probably wasn't anything Esmeralda could say to earn any judgment from him, so she decided it was okay to share.
"It was him..." She whispered. "That man who always walks past me smiling..."
"What? I thought he liked you! What did he do?!"
"I thought so too! He asked me to meet him today, so I did. I was excited, I thought we were going to talk, but then he just grabbed my face and kissed me!"
"He did WHAT?!"
"I know! I wasn't expecting it at all, so I pulled away. But then he got mad! He didn't want to talk to me, he just wanted to take me to bed! I said I wasn't interested, but then he said..."
Esmeralda struggled to speak, sobbing.
"Tell me." Clopin begged. "What did that bastard say to my sweet sister?!"
"He said... That it was unfair of me to reject him when I've obviously slept with every other man in Paris..."
Clopin scowled viciously.
"That disgusting pig!" He roared. "Don't worry, I'll find him and teach him to leave you alone!"
"I don't think it's just him..."
"What do you mean?"
Esmeralda tried to wipe some of the tears off her face.
"Clopin... Does everyone think what he thinks?"
"What? Why would they think that?"
"It wouldn't surprise me... I'm eighteen and still no one wants me! Not the way I want them to, anyway. I know men find me attractive, they're always giving me those looks! But they never try to get to know me, and I think that's because they see me as a whore!"
"Esmeralda, you don't know that for sure!"
"I'm awfully sure about it! Everyone says how beautiful I am, but no one says I would be a good wife. I get attention from men, but only if they want to sleep with me! I bet it's all because I dance for money! They think that means I'm taking money for other things..."
"If they really think that, it's not your fault! People are prejudiced against people like us! They would make assumptions no matter what you did! Don't blame yourself!"
"Even down here, no one thinks I'm wife material! Even in the Court of Miracles, where my reputation has never been bad, no one wants me that way! Why would that be?!"
Clopin touched Esmeralda's shoulder, attempting to comfort her.
"Esmeralda... It's not about that. It's just that you've known everyone down here your whole life. When you were little you always played and wrestled with the boys, and even now they go to you for jokes and card games. You're like a sister to them, like you are to me. That's the only reason they don't want to marry you."
Esmeralda shed another tear.
"So every man here sees me as a sibling and every man in town sees me as a whore. Great, I'm destined to be alone!"
"No, don't think of it like that! Surely someone will give you a chance!"
"Not if they think I've slept with everyone... You don't think that, do you?"
"No, I don't! Even if it were true, I wouldn't judge you for it!"
"Maybe you wouldn't... But other people aren't like you, Clopin..."
Desperate to do something helpful, Clopin took Esmeralda in a hug, letting her cry on his shoulder.
"Don't give up." He whispered to her. "You're wonderful, and I know someone will see that."
Though she felt defeated, Esmeralda hoped that Clopin was right.
Claude felt a thrashing motion strike him in the early hours of the morning. He was frightened until realizing where it came from. Just beside him in bed, Esmeralda was moving around violently, screaming.
Immediately, Claude put his hands on her to wake her up. Her eyes opened with a start before focusing in on his face.
"Claude..." She panted.
"I'm right here, darling." Claude assured. "You're in a safe place."
He suddenly remembered that the last nightmare Esmeralda had suffered had been about him. Momentarily, Claude worried that the same thing had just happened and the sight of him was more frightening than comforting. But Esmeralda quickly disproved that by throwing her arms around him, clinging to him while she took deep breaths to calm herself. Claude sighed in relief, hugging her back.
"I was worried you had another horrible dream about me." He admitted.
"No, it wasn't that." Esmeralda assured. "At this point, I really don't think I'll have that dream again."
That was reassuring. Claude was glad to know that he was now in a good enough place with her that she couldn't even picture dreaming about him being the way he'd been before. Unfortunately, that meant she'd probably just been dreaming of the attack, which was also horrible.
"It was the attack, then?" Claude asked.
"Yes..." Esmeralda replied.
Claude realized he hadn't had the chance to speak to Esmeralda about this recently. He wondered if it had been bothering her unbeknownst to him, as disturbing as that idea was. He hoped she hadn't been keeping that kind of problem to herself.
"Has that been on your mind?" Claude asked.
"Not much." Esmeralda answered.
"If it's been bothering you, I want to know. I really should have asked recently. I didn't mean to neglect you."
"You never neglect me. It just hasn't come up lately because we've been dealing with more serious things. Even without that, it doesn't bother me usually. But... It's bothering me now."
"Is there anything I can do?" Claude asked.
Esmeralda hesitated.
"...Just keep holding me." She said finally.
Claude tightened his arms around her protectively.
The morning was a simple one. Claude and Esmeralda started the day pleasantly with breakfast and a walk. Claude was finally feeling well enough that walking wasn't a burden, which was a great relief. Nothing appeared to be wrong until Claude sorted through some mail. When he finished, he looked up to notice Esmeralda staring out a window. She looked unsettled. Something was wrong.
"Are you alright?" Claude asked.
Esmeralda kept her gaze on the streets outside. She sighed.
"It's nothing." She replied. "It's just... That thing I dreamed about."
Claude walked up to Esmeralda, taking her hand.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked.
Esmeralda smiled.
"I'll be okay." She assured. "It never bothers me for long."
Claude was amazed that Esmeralda wasn't more troubled by this trauma. He didn't know how someone could have such a terrifying experience and get by with only the occasional nightmare so soon afterwards.
"How do you manage?" Claude asked. "It's been just over a year since that happened, but you're already so calm. I'd expect someone who went through that to be... more fearful."
"I adjusted." Esmeralda replied. "I had to, just to survive. That's the way Clopin and I have been living all these years. When I was hurt, he had to take care of me. He skipped meals to make sure I had enough to eat, and it couldn't go on like that. As soon as I healed enough, I had to get back out there. I didn't want to, I was terrified of being on the streets again after what happened, but Clopin and I both had to make money every day if we wanted to eat. Ignoring the fear was my only option, so I started carrying a knife and kept dancing for coins, and eventually enough time passed that it stopped scaring me."
Claude finally understood why Esmeralda didn't seem to be more affected by the attack. She'd faced her fear because she had no choice. She'd been forced to adapt for the sake of survival.
"Something about it disturbs me, though." Esmeralda said sadly. "And it's that I feel like I'll never be completely safe."
Claude's heart broke. Nothing was more important to him than Esmeralda's safety and wellbeing. It upset him to know that she felt perpetually unsafe.
"You are very safe." He promised. "Those men are locked up, and no one else will come near you. I've made it clear to all that you are under my protection, and it would take an unspeakable idiot to think of harming someone dear to the Minister of Justice. And if someone tried in spite of that, I would personally destroy them with my bare hands."
Esmeralda looked at Claude apologetically.
"Claude, I know you would." She said gratefully, squeezing his hand. "I saw you do that when I was stabbed. I know you'd do anything to keep me safe. It's just..."
As she trailed off, Esmeralda looked down in sorrow.
"...It's just something people like me have to live with. I'll always be judged, and there will always be people who want to hurt me. I trust you and I know I'm safe with you, but I don't know if this feeling will ever go away..."
Claude wondered how he could have failed to think of this. Of course Esmeralda would feel a sense of danger because of prejudiced people. Claude himself had previously been one of those people, one of the worst of them. He should know better that such attitudes put serious stress on the lives of others.
It was one of the things he wanted to change in the world.
"I have plans." Claude informed. "I want to make this city safer, and the whole country. I'm going to make changes, and one of the things I'm going to do is make it so that your people are treated better. It's the least I can do after... Everything..."
Esmeralda listened with fascination, her expression becoming more hopeful.
"I don't know if that is at all helpful right now," Claude admitted. "but I want you to know I care very much about this."
Esmeralda smiled.
"No one else has tried to do that." She observed. "It means more than you know."
"I'll do everything I can." Claude promised. "And if there is anything I can do to make you feel safer, name it. Your wellbeing and happiness are everything to me."
Esmeralda hesitated, pondering. After a moment, she shared what she was thinking.
"I think I know something that would help..."
There had been few times in the past when Esmeralda had looked like this, paralyzed in terror. Chained behind those iron bars was the source of the scar she'd gained just over a year ago. She shivered.
"You don't have to do this." Claude assured.
Esmeralda took a deep breath.
"I want to." She insisted. "I'll feel better after it."
"Then just remember, he can't hurt you. He's chained up, the guards are just down the hallway, and I'm right here. I will not let anything happen to you."
Esmeralda nodded.
When the cell was unlocked, Esmeralda went in with clenched fists. The man inside, who sat against the wall in heavy chains, looked up in disbelief when he saw her.
"You!" He blurted out. "You're that girl! You- UGH!"
Esmeralda punched his face before he could finish.
"Let's talk about who you are!" She yelled. "You're pathetic! Are you proud that you pulled a sword on someone who was minding their own business? Someone who had nothing to do with you?!"
She punched him again, eliciting a loud grunt.
Claude was proud to watch this. He appreciated the justice of Esmeralda confronting the man who had scarred her, being the righteous fighter that he knew she was. He admired her for that, and he was pleased with the relief he knew she was getting from this.
"And are you proud that you couldn't handle me fighting back?" Esmeralda taunted. "I hit you a few times, and what did you do? You called all your buddies over to gang up on me, like a coward! Are you proud of that? Acting like a child when the person you assaulted hit back?!"
The former soldier spat at her.
"We taught you a lesson!" He snapped. "For being a gypsy whore!"
At that, Claude instantly showed up in front of the prisoner, grabbing him menacingly by the collar.
"Shut your mouth and let her talk!" Claude threatened. "Or I'll make this worse than you can imagine!"
The prisoner stared up in horror even after Claude let go of him. Esmeralda looked down at him with a tight scowl.
"Well, are you proud of yourself?" She taunted.
Although he now knew better than to speak, the prisoner looked at her with an angry, arrogant expression.
"I guess you are." Esmeralda decided. "Maybe I can change your mind."
She hit him again, putting all of her unrestrained strength and rage into it. The man screamed loudly. Esmeralda hit him again, with the same amount of force. And again. Blood dripped out of his nose.
"Please, stop!" He begged.
The pain was clearly getting to him.
"You didn't stop when I was nearly dead." Esmeralda reminded.
The prisoner was starting to shake in fearful anticipation of more pain. Esmeralda stepped back away from him.
"But unlike you, I'm merciful." She said proudly. "And even if I wanted to keep at this, you wouldn't be worth it. You used to have me so scared, but now I see you're not scary at all. You're just a pathetic coward who throws punches but can't take them. Enjoy paying for it."
With that, Esmeralda turned around and left the cell with Claude, starting on the walk out of the dungeon.
"Send him away from here." Esmeralda instructed. "All of them. I don't care what happens past that, but I don't want to be anywhere near them."
"As you wish." Claude agreed. "Is there anything else I can do?"
"Do the same with the bastards who tried to kill you." Esmeralda replied. "I'd rather not commit murder, and having them here makes me want to."
"Very well." Claude said with a nod. "I feel the same way, particularly toward the one who stabbed you."
Esmeralda was very glad to be in love with Claude. She knew he would always look out for her, and she would always do the same for him.
Rain started to pour down from the sky, so the couple spent the afternoon cuddling under the bedsheets. It was pleasant, and Claude eventually found himself falling asleep while the warmth of Esmeralda's body comforted him. But when he woke, an interesting sight captivated him. Esmeralda was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring out the window once again.
"Esmeralda?" Claude murmured.
Esmeralda looked at him. She smiled, but she didn't appear happy.
"Hi." She said plainly.
Claude went to the edge of the bed to sit next to her.
"What are you looking at?" He asked.
"I'm just watching rain fall." Esmeralda replied.
The rain was battering the ground outside. It came down forcefully, violently. This wasn't the kind of thing one stared at unless they were lost in thought.
"May I ask what is on your mind?" Claude inquired.
Esmeralda sighed.
"I feel a lot better after confronting him." She shared. "But I've been thinking about what he called me. 'Gypsy whore'... I've been called that so many times..."
Claude frowned.
"You're not taking that seriously, are you?" He asked.
"It's not the words that bother me." Esmeralda explained. "It's... Feeling like I deserve them."
Claude was surprised. It wasn't like Esmeralda to think so poorly of herself, to think she deserved anyone's prejudice. Why did she feel that way?
"Why in the world would you deserve that?" Claude questioned.
Esmeralda fiddled with the fabric of the bedsheets.
"Did you know I thought I would end up alone?" She asked.
Claude was even more shocked now. How could someone like Esmeralda possibly expect to end up alone? Claude was one of three men that he knew of to have had feelings for her thus far, and he was sure that there must have been more. It was hard to imagine otherwise with a woman who was not only very beautiful but a great joy to personally know. Even if Esmeralda hadn't had time for love in the past, how could she possibly have thought that no one would want that with her?
"You, of all people?" Claude questioned. "I find that inconceivable!"
Esmeralda barely smiled before resuming a sullen look.
"Apparently," she started solemnly. "when you dance for money, people think you're taking money for other things... I never did, but people were convinced of it. Men asked me for 'favors' even though I never agreed, but they didn't ask for more than that. Part of the reason I never got married before was because I was too preoccupied with feeding myself to look for someone, but it was also because no one looked for me. No one wanted me that way..."
Claude unfortunately understood. He knew why people had made such assumptions about Esmeralda, he himself had made those assumptions in the past. But that had been before his change, at a time when he was still ruthless and severely judgmental. Claude hadn't expected to hear that this many others had judged Esmeralda just as he had.
"I accepted it, eventually." Esmeralda continued. "I got old enough that all the men my age and older were taken, and all the younger ones wanted younger wives. Getting married felt so impossible then that I gave up on it. And since everyone thought I was sleeping around, I let them think that. I fed into it, even. I learned to act flirty with men because they gave me more money that way. And if I wasn't so scared of it, I probably would have even done what everyone thought I was doing..."
Esmeralda's face and vocal tone said she was ashamed of all this. Claude was taken off guard by that. Shame was a look that didn't suit her. It was something she didn't deserve to feel.
"My aunt taught me to be more cautious than this." Esmeralda said regretfully. "She always said people like us would be judged and that I couldn't give anyone a reason to think poorly of me. I ignored that. It's no wonder someone would want to hurt me..."
Claude was angry. Not with Esmeralda, but with the injustice of her being made to feel like she'd done anything wrong. She was the one who had been savagely beaten. The idea that she should feel an ounce of the guilt that belonged to her attackers was infuriating.
"No!" Claude said firmly. "You did absolutely nothing to provoke that!"
Esmeralda looked up in surprise.
"I..." She stuttered. "I'm not saying I made it happen. But I was stupid... Maybe if I hadn't-"
"They had no cause to attack you." Claude interrupted. "They could have walked right past you with whatever unkind thoughts they had. They chose not to. That should not have happened! No matter what those idiots were thinking, it was not an excuse to beat you halfway to death!"
"I know it wasn't, but... I just feel like I had it coming!"
"You did not. Stop saying that!"
"I messed up my own reputation! I let everyone think I was-"
"Even if it were true, you wouldn't deserve anyone's judgment for it!"
Esmeralda was stunned. For several seconds, she hesitated to speak.
"Do you mean that?" She finally asked.
"Of course I do." Claude replied. "You know I'm not like I used to be."
"But you're still a Christian. I thought..."
Claude put his hand on Esmeralda's and looked into her eyes.
"I've had to reevaluate many things because of you." He shared. "Including... Matters of faith."
Esmeralda was fascinated. She already knew that Claude had changed his relationship with religion. He'd stopped seeing it as a reason to look down on others and was at least trying to stop seeing it as a reason to fear punishment. But Esmeralda hadn't expected him to change his opinions on things that even the least devout Christians agreed on.
But Claude had been forced to rethink absolutely everything since she had come into his life.
"Getting to know you changed everything." He explained. "I had such a cruel image of you, and you completely shattered it. I had to reconsider all of my beliefs because of that. I've never met a kinder, or braver, or more sincere person than you. And although this goes against everything I was taught, I cannot conceive that someone as wonderful as you would not be accepted in God's eyes, whether you'd been with men or not."
Esmeralda had never heard anyone but Clopin say something like this. It was more than she expected from anyone, but Claude was exceeding her expectations, just as he always did.
"I really thought you'd be disappointed when I said I thought of it..." Esmeralda admitted, blinking a few tears into her eyes.
"I'm not." Claude insisted. "I know how it feels... To have that need unmet. A while ago I would have judged you for not wanting to endure it, because that was what I forced myself to do. But I can't see it that way anymore. I couldn't blame you if you'd done something to meet that need, especially when you had no opportunity to get married."
He started to stroke her cheek with his fingertips.
"But ignore that for a moment." He said firmly. "Even if everyone had been right in their assumptions, and even if they had been right to judge you for it, they still would have had no right to hurt you. And your aunt was right about something: People like you are unfortunately judged. I imagine you would have been looked at the same way even if you'd done everything possible to look like a virgin. You did not cause that violence, it was a choice made by four prejudiced people who never should have been soldiers."
Esmeralda was used to loving Claude by now. She was used to adoring him and always feeling cared for in his presence. And yet, she probably had never loved him more than she did at this moment. Even with her admission of what she thought had provoked her attack, Claude did not look down on her or blame her at all. He respected her more than almost any man probably would.
To Claude's surprise, Esmeralda practically jumped into him, hugging him and starting to cry on his shoulder. Though he was taken off guard, Claude hugged her back, whispering assurances to her until she stopped crying.
Claude was grateful to be able to comfort her. It deeply disturbed him to know that she'd felt guilty for her own mistreatment. The thought of her being to blame for such a brutal attack was absurd. She hadn't provoked it. Whatever anyone thought of her, it wasn't a justification for violence. She did not deserve it. Such brutality being her fault in any way shape or form was...
...Impossible.
There were multiple images in Claude's mind. First was a woman being ganged up on and beaten by four soldiers. Then there was a boy being beaten by his parents. A boy being told that he was a disappointment. Told that he wasn't good enough and deserved to go to hell. Slapped and insulted for anything perceived as an offense. Held down and burned...
Burned with a torch... All because he kissed a girl... All because he wanted love... Love that the people he called family had not provided...
Claude found himself seeing that violence the same way he saw Esmeralda's attack. The idea of the boy under the torch being responsible for his own pain was ridiculous.
It was impossible...
Esmeralda woke up to darkness and an empty bed. She was confused. Where was Claude? He'd been here with her earlier. She'd talked to him and cried into his arms before falling asleep in the late afternoon.
She got out of bed and looked out the window. Hours had passed. The sky was dark, but the rain continued. Esmeralda questioned where Claude had gone off to for another moment, but that question answered itself.
She saw him outside. But why? What was he doing out there in the rain? Something was in his hands. Esmeralda looked more closely and realized it was a sword. He was swinging it repeatedly, striking a tree, yelling each time. His voice was loud enough that Esmeralda could hear it from inside the palace. Something was wrong.
In a panic, Esmeralda rushed out of the room and down the hallway, eventually bolting outside into the rain. It quickly soaked her as she ran toward Claude, his screams becoming even louder with each swing.
The tree was covered with marks from the blade, huge cuts that came from forceful strikes. There were no signs of the force decreasing, either. Each new swing was strong and severe, full of rage.
"CLAUDE!" Esmeralda shouted.
Claude stopped attacking the tree when he heard her voice. For a moment, he still didn't look at her, frozen facing the tree. But when he slowly looked over his shoulder at her, Esmeralda gasped.
Although the raindrops camouflaged his tears, it was obvious that he was crying. His eyes were red and his whole face was animated with overwhelming emotions. He was upset. Miserable. Angry. It was a look that showed both mourning and resentment. He was feeling hurt. Extremely hurt.
He turned back toward the tree. But instead of striking it again, he threw the sword on the ground. He then collapsed to his knees, grabbing at his head with both hands and letting out another bloodcurdling scream.
Esmeralda rushed to his side.
"Claude!" She repeated, urgently crouching beside him and touching his shoulder.
He wept profusely and loudly.
"Those MONSTERS!" Claude yelled. "I was a CHILD, for crying out loud! What could I have done to deserve their hatred?! Nothing! NOTHING!"
He kept sobbing, tears becoming visible even under the rain.
"I tried to please them!" He continued. "But I couldn't! It was never enough! They hated me for NOTHING! It wasn't my fault! I didn't choose to be BORN! What kind of monsters would beat and degrade and BURN their own son?! WHY?!"
Claude grabbed his face while his sobbing continued.
Esmeralda was speechless. She couldn't think of any words for this moment. Maybe it was better not to speak right now, to just let Claude get this pain out of his system. What she did instead was wrap her arms tightly around him, holding him securely while he cried. One of Claude's hands clasped over her wrist, letting the touch calm him just a little.
They stayed there for several minutes, unbothered by the rain.
Claude carefully patted his bare torso dry with a towel, staring down at the burn scar once he stopped. He sighed.
"After so many years, why have I only now started to feel angry about this?" He asked in disbelief.
"You never felt like you deserved better." Esmeralda explained. "You can't be angry unless you believe you were wronged. It's a good sign. It means you're getting past the guilt."
"I can't say I'm entirely over it." Claude confessed.
"You will be." Esmeralda assured. "Give it time."
Claude supposed that at least starting to become free from that guilt after so long was better than nothing. He already felt a weight lifted off him after having a fit of rage and breaking down. That didn't stop him from feeling any shame over the pain or having Esmeralda witness it, but he was comforted by the knowledge that she would never think of him differently for it. Just earlier, when she had been the one to cry in his arms, he'd been reminded of why he would never be judged by her for being hurt or having these emotions. Oh how Claude loved that woman.
He didn't want to be wet and cold anymore, so he finished undressing and dried the rest of his body before tying the towel around his waist. When he looked up at Esmeralda, she had just found another towel and was starting to take off her clothes. Claude watched admiringly as her body was revealed. He never got tired of looking at her, appreciating how gorgeous she was. But it wasn't like the way he'd looked at her in the beginning, with senseless lust. Esmeralda was beautiful, but what amazed Claude was that he couldn't imagine thinking of her any other way. He couldn't imagine not being attracted to her, no matter what she looked like. As much as he liked her body, he knew he would want her no less if she wasn't so traditionally beautiful. She would always be beautiful to him.
That was what love did. Claude desperately loved Esmeralda. He wanted her, not in a specific way, but in any way he could have her. Everything was better with her. This night was a difficult one, but Claude knew a simple way to make it easier.
As Esmeralda held a towel around herself, Claude caught her eye by walking toward her slowly. When their eyes met, Claude circled his arms around her waist, starting to lean into her. But to his surprise, Esmeralda put a hand on his chest, holding him back.
"Claude..." She whispered. "I know what you're thinking, and I do want it, but I don't think this is a good time. You're really upset, and I think sleeping it off is the best thing to do right now."
"I agree." Claude responded. "I'm not looking for that much."
What he was actually after was something simpler, something that Esmeralda was fully willing to give him.
The night ended pleasantly with their bodies pressed together in bed. Sex wasn't a prerequisite for sleeping naked. It was the kind of intimacy Claude needed at the moment, the kind that made him feel loved and accepted in his scarred skin. This closeness with the woman he loved, the warm feeling of her skin against his, made him feel better. After a kiss and a long period of time holding each other, they drifted off peacefully.
This is the longest chapter I've posted. I can't believe I wrote it in less than a week! I hope to have the last few chapters done pretty quickly. The next one will probably be up within a few days, so be prepared!