There were few employees left in the SVU bullpen by 7 pm. It was one of the rare slow days that many employees heard of but only few actually saw. Montserrat was one of those.
She gave a light knock on Olivia's office door and walked in with a few papers in hand. "I'm ready to go but I wanted to drop these off first."
Olivia pulled her glasses off and put them on her desk. She seemed wearier than usual. "Thanks. What were those again?"
Montserrat approached the desk and discreetly saw the papers Olivia had in front of her. Though she meant to be discreet, what she saw left her visibly surprised.
"Those papers…?" Olivia called when she noticed where Montserrat's gaze was.
The detective blinked back to the present and handed Olivia her papers. "Paperwork on the Jenson case. Tedious as was Jenson but it is all done." Montserrat offered a smile that became a bit too teethy.
"Can I help you with something else, Novak?" Olivia raised an eyebrow, her seriousness going over Montserrat's head.
"Please don't call me Novak - you sound like Rafael," Montserrat rolled her eyes. "I'm just curious as to why a sergeant is wasting time going over an old case that's good and closed."
"Because this case is not completely closed," Olivia admitted and since Montserrat looked confused she added, "One of the children I found is still being moved through foster homes."
Montserrat continued to be confused until it donned on her what case Olivia was talking about. "Is it baby boy Doe? The baby you found from that couple who went around 'adopting' unwanted children?" Olivia nodded and leaned back against her chair. "I read about that on the news. The other kids were returned home, weren't they?"
"Yes, but this baby doesn't have parents nor next of kin," Olivia wearily rubbed her forehead. "He's gone through 3 foster homes in the last 5 months. It's like none of these parents want to take care of him."
Montserrat tilted her head at Olivia, clearly questioning where Olivia got this knowledge from. "Who do you have on the inside?"
Olivia playfully rolled her eyes. "I've been going to his hearings in family court. It breaks my heart we can't find the right home for this baby."
Montserrat was quiet for a minute as she thought. "Well...sometimes bad things happen in order for something exceptionally good to happen."
Olivia smiled but only briefly. She reached for her glasses on the desk and started to gently tap them against the wood. "Well I'm waiting for that exceptionally good thing to happen. He has another hearing next week so maybe it'll be then. But what are you doing tonight? Sitting with the boss and talking about cases? Go home, Montserrat."
Montserrat only agreed because she had set up an appointment that she couldn't miss. She bid goodnight to Olivia then walked out of the office. She made it all the way to her desk and looked around to see the few detectives left with her.
"Go home you old men," she said to Sonny and Fin. "Take a leaf out of Amanda's book and go have a drink or something."
"Same can be said for you," Fin quipped within the next second.
"And I'll have you know that I'm actually going out on a date in about…" Sonny's eyes widened in alarm after seeing the time on his watch, "...crap! Now!" both Montserrat and Finn burst into laughter while they watched Sonny scramble to get his things from his desk.
"Kara is going to kill you! And then finally my horror of this dating thing will end!" Montserrat calmly went to gather her things.
Sonny threw her a sharp look for her words. Little did she know that his date was actually a trip to visit the place where Kara had planned her surprise birthday party. And that's the thanks I get? He planned on getting a real date with Kara after this. It was only fair.
"Where you headed, then?" Finn asked Montserrat once Sonny had left (ran).
"Oh you know... Here and there, not really sure yet," Montserrat tried being nonchalant about her plans. "Have a good night."
"You too," Finn called once she got going.
~0~
Each week that Montserrat visited her therapist she felt as if things were getting better for her. And in reality, they were. But, her birthday was nearing. It meant it was almost a year now that her life had changed.
"It's not even the fact that I'm turning 30 - usually that's the bit that upsets you - but...turning 30 is the least of my problems," she spoke quietly but there was a shakiness in her voice Dr. Weslin detected. "In fact I'm pretty sure Kara doesn't get the memo that I don't want anything to do with my birthday."
"Have you told her why?" Dr. Weslin inquired even though she knew the answer.
Montserrat shook her head. "Telling her why means I'd have to tell her what happened. I don't think I can do that."
Dr. Weslin studied Montserrat fidget in her chair. "Montserrat, have you ever considered attending an anonymous abuse meeting?"
The detective seemed startled by the question. She drew some hair behind her ear then gave her therapist a curious look. "Those exist?"
Dr. Weslin briefly smiled. "Yes. It's just like alcoholic anonymous group or a gambler's anonymous group. You are doing phenomenal but...I think the fact that you don't feel comfortable to disclose to anyone else, including your closest friend, might be hindering a part of your recovery. A meeting like this would be completely anonymous. You can share what happened to you without having to face anyone that you know. Does this sound like something you would be interested in?"
Montserrat couldn't answer straight away, mostly because she wasn't sure. The only people who knew about her rape were Casey and her old Queens precinct Captain. She couldn't muster the courage to tell anyone else, not even her own family.
"Montserrat?" Dr. Weslin brought the woman back to the present. "Should I give you locations?"
There was a silence over Montserrat that couldn't be waived.
~0~
The following work week brought the awaited trail Olivia had been waiting for a while now, and when she meant a 'while' she really meant months and months. And though it finally came, she still felt as if there were loose strings that couldn't be tied up now.
When Montserrat arrived at the precinct, she came to see only Sonny around. He was blatantly staring at Olivia's office. Though the office was closed but she could see Rafael talking to Olivia, Amanda, Fin and Nick. "What's going on there?" she dropped her purse on her desk.
Sonny glanced at her with a small smile. "Trial we're not exactly part of."
"Which one?" Montserrat made a face.
Sonny turned his chair to face her. "The Lewis Williams trial. It starts tomorrow."
Montserrat wasn't as caught up with Manhattan's SVU cases before her time. There was hardly a need, and even then she had taken a look at some of the more bigger ones...and perhaps that one may have shown up. "Lewis case…" she repeated quietly while she tried to remember. She drew in a breath when she came up blank. "I'm going to sound so unprofessional but what case is that?"
Sonny barely got to raise an eyebrow when they both heard the office door opening up. Rafael had led the rest of the squad out and when he walked, he made a purpose to head for the two detectives who were out of the loop. "You two, keep your mouths shut. Don't talk to anyone, got it?"
There was a mutual confusion between Montserrat and Sonny.
"...you know, you could just say 'good morning' like a normal person," Montserrat quietly said and looked away before she could meet Rafael's deadpanning look.
Rafael rolled his eyes as he assumed she was being sarcastic - which was too early in his opinion. "Do you understand, Novak?"
Montserrat helplessly glanced at Sonny then at the others coming out of the office. "I wish I did but I don't. I don't know what's going on."
"That makes two," Sonny's agreement helped her out in that she wasn't being rude this time.
In fact, it seemed as if it re-directed some of Rafael's annoyance towards the others. He looked back at the rest of the squad with disbelief. "You haven't caught them up? Are you serious!?"
"It didn't seem pertinent," Olivia was the one to answer, even though it revolved entirely around her.
"What didn't?" asked both Montserrat and Sonny, making Rafael nearly slap his forehead with deeper irritation.
"You two," he dropped his hand only to point at them, "Get yourselves caught up. You're the only detectives allowed to be in the trial from beginning to end. But your strength is also your weakness: your absences in this case make you easy preys for the defense. They will try to weed out any information from you so be on guard."
"With all due respect, councilor, I think Montse and I know what we're doing," Sonny leaned back in his chair. "But it wouldn't hurt to discuss more about this."
On that note, Rafael agreed. He glanced at the rest of the squad with a warning glint in his eyes. "Do it. Better safe than sorry." He took off but briefly stopped next to Montserrat. "And good morning," he greeted her with one of his usual smirks.
A smile came to Montserrat's face when he took off again. It was short lived after seeing the grimness the rest of her co-workers carried with them. "Okay, seriously, someone tell us what's going on?"
~ 0 ~
Montserrat wished she would've never asked.
She seriously meant it.
To learn what her sergeant - and more importantly her friend - had gone through with the animal that was Lewis Williams was terrifying, and heartbreaking. Montserrat couldn't believe that someone as strong as Olivia Benson had the misfortune of crossing paths with Lewis. It definitely made Montserrat look at Olivia in a new way.
So, on the first day of trial Montserrat presented herself at the courthouse earlier than the others would. She walked through the crowds of people down the hallway until she spotted Olivia sitting alone on a bench. As she got closer, Montserrat could see the distant look on Olivia's face that was really a cover up for all the nervousness she must have been feeling.
"Here," Montserrat offered Olivia the coffee cup in her hand. Olivia was, of course, surprised to see Montserrat there so early. Montserrat just continued to smile and motioned Olivia to take the coffee.
"Thank you," Olivia quietly said before taking the cup. She hadn't been able to eat nor drink anything that morning - she didn't think she could stomach it.
Montserrat still felt at a loss for words. In her experience, nothing anyone could say helped her get through her trauma. "When you were looking at the Baby Boy Doe case the other night...were you thinking about...this?"
Olivia pursed her lips together, letting the warmth of the coffee hit her lips from the inside. She gave a slight nod of her head in the end.
"I did notice you were...a little more distant but I didn't imagine it was because of this," Montserrat sighed. "Liv, I don't even know what to tell you. I'm sure whatever I do say it won't be enough."
Olivia still offered the detective a thankful smile. "Your presence is appreciated. And trust me, I didn't think it was important to burden you nor Carisi about this. You weren't there anyways-"
"-but we're your friends, Liv. And I don't mean that as a 'you should've told us something' because it doesn't entitle us to anything. I just…" Montserrat sighed again and moved to sit next to Olivia. She licked her lips with a new sense of nervousness, as if something she could say would tip Olivia off that she was speaking from a similar experience.
Olivia studied Montserrat, much to the detective's luck, and got the feeling she was holding something back. It reminded Olivia of the early days when they'd hired Montserrat. Every now and then, Montserrat would become cryptic with her words and she would exhibit odd actions and expressions. She hadn't seen it in a while, actually.
Montserrat released a breath and shifted a bit to better face Olivia. "Do you think that if you would've told me or Sonny about this...it would've made you feel any better about this whole thing?"
Olivia tilted her head as she tried to understand what Montserrat wanted to know. "Well, it wasn't much of a secret to begin with. Everyone else saw what I went through...what...happened…"
"I know, I know," Montserrat made a motion for Olivia to stop so she could better explain, "I meant like...everything Lewis did to you, it's traumatic no doubt. Would talking about it to someone, someone besides a therapist, make you feel better about it? Like, if you sat down with one of us and just...let it all out?"
Olivia admitted that she never considered talking about the four days with Lewis with anyone but her therapist. Sure, the squad had been witness to the crime scenes but she'd never actually talked with any of them about what went on during those days. She didn't feel ready for it, and when she'd finally gotten to a better place...she didn't want to tell anyone else. Her therapist was helping her anyways. What was the point in poking holes in her recovery?
Just when Montserrat thought she was about to get an answer, the rest of the squad arrived. She did her best to hide her disappointment, but maybe she didn't do a very good job in those first seconds because Olivia kept giving her strange looks.
"Looking strong, Olivia," Fin offered the Sergeant an encouraging smile.
"You all came," Olivia was truly surprised they'd go to the trouble of coming all together on the day that each would testify at different hours.
"We got your back, Liv," Nick reminded her.
Rafael emerged from the trial room and was thoroughly confused to find the whole group there. "What are you people doing here? You know you can't watch the trial. You're all witnesses."
"We're here for moral support," Amanda assured him they knew the rules.
"And Montse and I are going to be there for all of it," Sonny gestured to himself and the ginger still sitting on the bench. His words of support weren't as good since said woman seemed to be staring to the side.
Her mind had gotten to somewhere else.
"Montse?" Olivia was the one to bring Montserrat back to the present. The sergeant rose from the bench and held a hand out for Montserrat.
Realizing she'd lost reality for a second, Montserrat cleared her throat and got on her feet. "Sorry, yes. Ready?"
Olivia slowly nodded and glanced at the others to reiterate she was alright.
"Counselor, don't mess this one up," Fin told Rafael, as if the latter was thinking of it.
"I was gonna tell you the same thing," he quipped then shot the rest of the squad a sharper look. "Remember why we're here." His look lingered on Montserrat for her obvious unresponsive self.
Least she wasn't a witness this time.
~ 0 ~
As far as Montserrat could see, Lewis William was a manipulative, calculating man. He had a terrible scar that curved the left side of his face - a scar that Olivia had allegedly left on him. When Lewis would walk - because oh yes, as a last way to taunt Olivia he had decided to defend himself - he would purposely make a bigger limp than what it really was. He didn't fail to mention the fact the NYPD Had a vendetta against him while he interrogated Finn and Amanda.
By the time Lewis got to cross-examine Nick, both Montserrat and Sonny had learned that he was a conniving man hellbent on making it look like the NYPD was framing him and covering up that Olivia was the one to initiate a relationship with him.
"So, it's impossible to know conclusive who actually shot that officer, isn't it?" Lewis knew very well he had murdered an officer but the jury didn't, and as far as he was concerned they would believe Olivia could've had a hand in it.
Nick was barely holding himself to just glare at the man. "Oh, there's no way she did it. She was duct taped, lying on the car floor."
"Again, that's what she told you?"
"Yes,"
There was a moment of silence that passed by before Lewis would ask another question. "Do you remember the first time that you and detective Benson interrogated me? How would you characterize her demeanor? was she physically close? Flirtatious? Did she seem aroused when I spoke to her?"
Nick despised Lewis even more at that moment, because no matter how he would answer it would make Olivia look bad. "She may have acted provocatively, but that was for your benefit. During an interrogation, you role-play."
"Is rape considered a sexual act amongst SVU detectives?"
"No, it's not about sex. It's about power, control, humiliation…"
"So why, in your opinion, when your partner was questioning me about rape, did she sexualize the interrogation?"
"It's a technique to find a way to connect to the suspect," Nick answered almost through gritted teeth.
"Well, I would say it worked," Lewis turned in time to see Rafael practically slam his pen on the desk in anger. With a smirk, Lewis said, "Withdrawn."
As soon as the trial was finished, Montserrat was the first to get up to go. She felt revulsion for that man, sick to her stomach, so she knew how Olivia was feeling at the moment.
"You should go home," Montserrat advised Olivia once they were in the hallway. For the case's benefit, the rest of the squad except for her and Sonny had departed the moment they were finished testifying. "Try to do something to get your mind off this for a bit."
"Not gonna tell me to get some rest?" Olivia asked since that was what everyone always told her in the early days after the kidnapping..
"No, that never works in the beginning," Montserrat said far too quickly and too matter-of-factly. Olivia once again felt there was something this detective was keeping back. It felt as if Montserrat knew what she was talking about.
"That was awful," Sonny was telling Rafael as the two walked out of the trial room.
"But fixable," Rafael said with utter confidence. He expected such manipulations from Lewis but he was confident that he would outsmart this man no matter what. "Liv, you should go get some rest-"
"-don't tell her get rest, it won't work," Montserrat all but practically snapped at him. She looked mighty distressed for someone who'd only sat in on the trial.
Olivia placed a hand on Montserrat's arm and nodded at Rafael. "I will try, but...you know it'll be difficult to sleep for the next couple of weeks."
"Just try," Rafael persisted. "And Novak, maybe you should consider it too since you're all riled up."
Montserrat momentarily glared until she realized he was right. It wasn't her place and it certainly wasn't her right to be upset. Olivia was the one who needed all the support right now. She was the one who would have to face her attacker soon, the one who would have to talk to him...look at him…
The moment her face went pale was instantaneous. Now she truly looked sick. "I'll see you. Take it easy Olivia," she said in a quick blue before turning to leave.
There was mutual confusion as well as concern between the remaining three.
~ 0 ~
The last thing Casey Novak was expecting that night was for her cousin to knock on her apartment door.
"I need you," Montserrat uttered the three words nearly in tears.
Casey might not have had the context she needed to figure out what led Montserrat to her door, but she was pretty sure what it was ABOUT about. She brought her cousin inside and took her to the living room where Montserrat opened the floodgates of her problem for the day.
"And I know it's not my case, it's not my trial, but it's making me remember what I went through last year," Montserrat spoke rather fast but Casey was used to the speedy relaying of information.
The two cousins sat on the couch, Montserrat draped under a blanket Casey brought for her. It was their comfort blanket each had held in their worst moments.
"It's Olivia's case and I should be a better friend who puts aside their trauma to help them," Montserrat drew in a shaky breath. "But I can't. It's literally against me. It's been almost a year, why is it still affecting me like this?"
"Well-" Casey tried to answer but Montserrat wasn't finished rambling.
"I've done everything right. I've moved cities, I've found new friends, a new job. I got a therapist and I've gone to each of my sessions. I've tried being happy and making better, new memories so why is this happening?" by the time Montserrat finished her question, new tears had spilled down her face.
"It's a long, long process Montserrat," Casey spoke in a gentle tone. "I've seen victims take years to fully recover, but even then there's always going to be a wound."
"So I'm just going to relapse every few years?"
"What you're feeling doesn't mean that you're undoing all of your progress," Casey first said to make sure Montserrat understood she wasn't doing anything wrong. "You were violated and that is a traumatic event that will, on occasion, cause these moments of pain. It's normal. You're human, Montse."
Montserrat sniffled. "I'm a detective, I can't afford these moments."
"As a lawyer, I advise you not to bottle it up. It's good that you're talking it out with someone," Casey offered a kind smile for her cousin.
Montserrat thought back to her therapist's suggestion and even when she'd asked Olivia her thoughts about talking with people. "But I'm supposed to be supporting Olivia right now."
Casey understood what Montserrat meant, and even though she loved Olivia she had to think about her family first. "Maybe you can support her outside of the trial room." The suggestion didn't seem to sit well with Montserrat. "It's obvious that this Lewis case is bringing up memories and feelings. If Olivia knew about this, she would understand. But even without the knowledge of your rape, she won't be upset if you don't show up to the trial."
Montserrat brought a hand to her forehead. "I'm supposed to be her moral support. Now I'm becoming the one who needs the support?"
"There is nothing to be ashamed of, Montserrat," Casey said in a sharp, almost warning, tone. "You need your time too. And let me put it in a way that might get me to understand: if you're not at your best, then can you really support Olivia?"
Well, that she understood.
~0~
While the trial continued, Montserrat listened to Casey's advice and stayed away from the trial for a few days. She decided there was perhaps another way she could support Olivia.
She rarely visited Family court and it was honestly not a place you wanted to be at so much. It just brought back too many memories, too many decisions that she would rather forget. but this was a better way to support Olivia without harming herself in the process.
She took a seat in one of the empty benches and listened to the hearing of Baby Boy Doe.
A social worker was giving her rendition of a finished investigation concerning Baby Boy Doe, and it seemed like things could be getting better for this baby. "Your Honor, ACS have thoroughly conducted an examination of a new Foster home for baby boy doe. It is our belief that baby boy doe would be well cared for by these Foster parents."
The judge herself seemed rather relieved this was the case. She looked over her copy of the paperwork the social worker was reading from and gave a conclusive nod. "Let's hope so, Miss Carlisle. This would be Baby Boy Doe's fourth home in the past 5 months. I grant the motion to place Baby Boy Doe in the care of the Walkers." The judge slammed her mallet over her desk and adjourned the court.
Montserrat rose from her seat and moved towards the social worker before the latter could leave. "Excuse me, I'm detective Novak," she flashed her badge then put it away, "My sergeant, Olivia Benson, sent me in her place today to see how the case was going."
the mention of Olivia's name seemed to ease the social worker. Clearly, they knew each other. "Sergeant Benson, yes we've talked. Is she okay?"
"Um…" Montserrat was surprised that the social worker didn't know about the ongoing trial, but she wasn't going to tell her either. "She just couldn't make it. She's very attached to this baby."
Miss Carlisle agreed with a nod while she finished packing her things. "Yes. She's the one who found him."
"I heard. So is this new home really the best one for this baby? I just heard from Olivia that he's been moved quite a lot for the few months he's been in ACS custody."
"Yes," Miss Carlisle side. She moved around once in awhile and started walking towards the accident the room. "we've had to move him for safety reasons. There was one home that was already housing more foster kids than we realized. Then there was another one that wasn't as safe as we thought. The third one actually gave him a fungal disease so we need to immediately get him out of there."
"Poor baby," Montserrat said. She followed Miss Carlisle into the hallway. "Listen, I don't know if usually do this...but because Olivia wasn't here I was wondering if you could give me the new address of this baby."
Miss Carlisle offered a nervous smile. "I'm not sure that's really in protocols."
"Well, it's just as you said...my sergeant was the one who found this baby so she's pretty attached to him. I'm sure it would make her really happy if she could just visit the baby. Unless if you think the Foster family wouldn't like that…"
"No, no, I don't think they would mind. It's just not really seen as much…"
"My sergeant isn't like the others," Montserrat subtly insisted.
Miss Carlisle looked around the hallway that was pretty empty save for them. "Well...I suppose it wouldn't hurt anyone. Would you have time to come by my office?"
"Of course," Montserrat smiled and gestured for her to lead the way out.
Author's Note: This was always going to be a difficult episode to write but I felt like it was a crucial point in Olivia's life not to write out, plus this episode starts off another arc with Olivia and Montserrat as well ;)