Olivia wondered what was worse: having Lewis cross-examine her right now or dread the moment he would? Unfortunately, she was dealing with the latter. Lewis was forcing her to wallow in her fear for his questioning for a few more days.

"You'll be prepared," Rafael's assurance did little for Olivia. She was tired. So, so tired. "We've gone over this enough times."

Olivia wanted to be as sure as he was, but he wasn't going to be the one answering Lewis' questions. He wasn't the one who would be lying on the stand. In her thinking, Olivia didn't notice the rest of the squad approaching them in the hallway.

"Liv, you want us to drive you home?" Fin offered twice before Olivia came back to the present. They were all looking at her in concern.

"Uh...I can get there on my own," she answered quietly but distractedly. Later on, she wouldn't be able to remember if she said goodbye to her friends before leaving.

"Lewis not wanting to cross-examine her right now is a tactic isn't it?" Sonny asked Rafael once Olivia was out of hearing distance.

Rafael gave a tilt of his head. "Could be. And it would be a very smart one too. make her think about all the questions is going to ask her, make her more nervous in the span of these days and then once he has her up on the stand…" he didn't finish.

"That's not going to happen," Amanda said with certainty. "Olivia is stronger and she's a hell of a lot smarter than that guy. As are you councilor, don't let him take her down."

Rafael nodded and let them go all except for one. "Carisi," his call was sudden and quiet that the detective in question hesitated to stop and glance back. "Yes come here," Rafael said once he sensed Sonny's thoughts.

Sonny let the others continue on their way and turned back for Rafael. "What do you need, councilor? Something for the case?"

"Yes - well no, well…" Rafael bobbed his head, the uncertainty in him was a novel sight for Sonny. He was struggling to say something, that much Sonny could tell. "You're, um...you have a...relationship with...Montserrat's roommate? Right?"

It took a moment for Sonny to process the question, but when he did he noticed the uncomfortableness in Rafael. Apart from novelty, it was almost amusing. "Well, we're getting there. Sort of. It's a process-"

Rafael raised a hand to cut him off. "-yeah, okay, it's a yes or no question, Carisi."

"Then I guess yes...why?"

"So you have to know more about Novak's lack of presence here, right?"

"You would think that, huh?" Sonny all but snorted. "Not even Kara knows why. She says that Montserrat called her and said she would be staying with Casey instead. And Montse called in sick for these last couple of days. I didn't really think she was sick the last time I saw her."

"Yeah," Rafael agreed, his mind was already turning wheels as he thought back to the last day he saw Montserrat. The last time he saw her she had left and in such a hasty manner. She looked really pale to as if she really was sick but that wouldn't make sense considering she had been fine the entire day. "Doesn't make a lot of sense. A lot of things don't make sense about Novak."

A brief silence passed while he thought some more, leaving Sonny to make his own conclusions about this entire conversation.

"Find out what's going on," Rafael made the order sound so calmly and...friendly.

"What?" Sonny blinked while Rafael took off. "Wait - councilor, what for? She's not testifying anyways-"

"-I want to know what's going on. She was meant to be here for Olivia and then suddenly she disappears? I don't accept that." Behind Rafael, Sonny made a face at his words. "Reminds me too much of the first time she disappeared after going into labor." He stopped at the elevator and pressed the button.

"You afraid she'll disappear again?" Sonny's subtle tease was met with a straight face.

"That is not what I said," Rafael snapped, almost warning Sonny not to even go down that road. "I want to know what's going on but I have my hands kind of full at the moment. Simple as that. Will you do it or will I have to do it myself?"

Sonny knew exactly what Rafael was doing and it was frankly amusing. Either way, Rafael planned on reaching out to Montserrat. The question was would he have to go around the long way, or would he, Sonny, help him out with a short cut?

~0~

"I'm sorry, but I haven't seen Montserrat this week. I'm almost as worried as you are," Kara admitted to Sonny in her living room.

As promised, Sonny was following up with Kara but apparently there wasn't much to follow. Montserrat had been staying with Casey this week, only coming back for new clothes. And when she did come back, Kara was at work.

"So she hasn't talked to you at all?" Sonny took the seat next to her.

"Well…" Kara bobbed her head, "She called to tell me that she was staying with Casey and then she called again a couple days ago to tell me she was fine and that she was just going to stay with Casey a couple more days. But... I don't know…" She sighed and brought a hand to the side of her head while she thought. "It sounded like - like if she was upset. You know the way your voice kind of cracks when you want to cry or you are crying? That's what it kind of sounded like the last time she talked to me."

Someone interrupts their conversation with a knock on the door. Kara told Sonny that she wasn't expecting anyone else but that it could be monsterrat. she got up to go answer the door and, to her surprise, she found Olivia standing on the other side.

"Liv?" Sonny blinked in surprise. "What are you doing here? Barba told you to take it easy."

"And when do I ever listen?" Olivia still had some of her humor despite the awful week she was having.

Kara, who was still surprised, cleared her throat and stepped to the side to let Olivia in. "I wasn't expecting you…"

Olivia smiled. "Yes, I but you weren't. I just stopped by to see if once a lot to lose here? I haven't seen her all week and I heard she called in sick."

"Umm...well, you're going to have to get in line cos apparently a lot of us are looking for Montserrat right now," Kara closed the door.

Olivia crossed glanced with Sonny, clearly confused and now worried as well. "Montserrat isn't here?"

"No, she's been staying with Casey this whole week," Kara sighed and walked towards the sofa again. "I was just telling funny that I was kind of worried the last time that she called me. It sounds like she been crying."

"Do you have any idea why?" asked Olivia.

"No," Kara plopped on the couch with a deep sigh. "I love Montse, I really do, but she is not the same person that she used to be," Kara hated to admit, especially when she couldn't tell Montserrat face to face. "This whole year she's just been... Different. If you had met her last year you would have seen her in a completely different way. She always smiled, she laughed a lot more. She used to love her job at Homicide. And she was always hanging around her co-workers there. Sometimes I got a little jealous because it looked like she wanted to spend more time with them than with me," Kara smiled at the memories. "And then, all of a sudden...she just kind of changed. It's like she cut all ties with Queens."

"Well…" Olivia move to sit on the other couch, "...Montserrat had been eyeing the vacancy in SVU since last year. If she did change I don't think it was after taking the job here."

"Yeah, I know that she was looking into SVU but...it was just kind of out of curiosity. I never thought she would actually transfer."

"She put in her papers, Kara," Olivia said gently. "She was pretty serious before retracting."

"Tell me about it," Kara rolled her eyes. "That whole surrogacy pregnancy thing came out of nowhere. One moment she's just doing her job and then the next day she tells me that she's pregnant? I think that's really when it all started. When she changed. After that pregnancy, I don't think Montserrat has ever talked about going back to Queens. She doesn't even talk about her friends anymore there. I wish I knew what was going on."

Olivia seemed pensive when she glanced at Sonny. She was thinking but there wasn't a lot she could come up with...in that moment.

~0~

Despite the turbulent week she had, Montserrat was in a much better mood than the last time dr. Weslin had seen her.

"I took my cousin's advice to stay away from the trial for at least a couple days and I have to say that it's done me some good," Montserrat admitted without trouble. "I'm... distracted. And I've even been productive."

"How do you mean?" Dr. Weslin inquired.

"My Sergeant is pretty attached to this baby that she found during a case so she's been going to his family court hearings. He's had trouble finding a good foster family. Turns out she had a hearing this week and I went to it since Olivia couldn't. And... they found him a new home and I have the address so that Olivia can visit him after the trial is all done."

"That's a nice thing you did," Dr. Weslin noted. "But I do have to ask if you did this out of guilt because you didn't attend her trial."

Montserrat expected the question and she wasn't at all offended. It was a reasonable question. "NO. I did it to show my support in a different way. Olivia is not only my sergeant, but she's also my friend. And my friend happened to have missed this hearing, so I went in instead."

Dr. Weslin liked what she heard. "Do you intend on returning to that trial?"

Montserrat lowered her head in thought. "I haven't decided. It ends this week and from what the news says, it'll be Olivia's turn to be cross-examined by Lewis. That's going to be hard…"

And a big part of her wanted to be there that day, because if she didn't have the courage to face her attacker...She could be there for someone who did have that courage.

"Montserrat? Have you thought about that?" Dr. Weslin asked again.

Montserrat shrugged her shoulders and admitted that she hadn't. "I was so caught up with this baby boy Doe case that I didn't really think about anything else. But I'm definitely going to think about it."

And she was.

~0~

With what Sonny had gotten from Kara, he went to Rafael. It just took the ADA five minutes to realize Sonny had virtually nothing.

"Are you sure you're a detective?" he asked just to make a point.

Sonny rolled his eyes and leaned back on his chair. "I did what I could. And to be honest, I don't know why you had me do it in the first place. Do you need Montse for the trial?"

"No-"

"-then why are we doing this?"

"Because I want to know, that's why," Rafael was plain and simple with his intentions, as odd as they sounded. It irked him that Montserrat would just disappear like that.

"Sure that's it?" Sonny couldn't help that smirk on his face.

"Watch yourself, detective," Rafael warned and pointed his finger towards his office door. "You're free to go."

"Fine," Sonny raised his hands in defence. "You're welcome, by the way. See you tomorrow for court."

"Mm," Rafael was distracted with something else, and Sonny had a good idea of what it was - who it was. He was bothered, yes he was bothered, and he had to do something about it. Get ahold of yourself, he thought.

He tried that.

His fingers tapped against his desk. The work on said desk still remained untouched, not even looked at. Five minutes later, Rafael gave up.

"No." He made the decision to get up and leave the office. He walked out into the hallway and made a straight way towards an office. Much like the detectives he worked with, he barged into Casey's office without so much of a knock. "Where the hell is your cousin?"

Casey lowered the papers she'd been looking at and processed what just happened. "Um...good afternoon…?"

Rafael made a gesture for her to stop. "I need to see Montserrat. Where is she?"

Casey raised an eyebrow at him but, unlike Sonny who'd taken a lighter mood with it, she was more serious. "She's...having lunch, I assume. Probably having dessert first, if I know her any good. Why do you need to see her?"

"I just do!" Rafael answered rather fast. "I'm...there's some things I needed from her for another case…" he was spewing out this God awful lie and he still didn't know what the urgency of this was for. "Where can I find her right now?"

"Working through lunch again? Must be really important, then," Casey reached for her phone in one of her drawers. "She did call in sick, you know."

"It won't be long," he promised.

Casey went over the last text her cousin sent her earlier. "Oh, right, she's at her favorite place having dessert first no doubt."

As soon as she gave him the place, Rafael was gone from her office.

~ 0 ~

Montserrat rocked on her feet while she gazed at the menu above her. To her luck, there was no line which gave her free reign on her decision making process.

"We got new almond fudge brownies," the teenage boy behind the counter offered.

Montserrat briefly looked at him and smiled. She knew the boy well now and he knew her enough to know she loved anything chocolate. "Give me that, Justin," she nodded. "But I'm having an extra sweet tooth today so let me see what else."

"Is the chocolate mousse making it into the cut?"

"Why the hell not? I'm thinking…" Montserrat moved her attention to the display of sweets under the counter, "...it's a cookie day too."

"How do you not throw up?" Justin wondered out loud, much to her offence.

She set her hands on hips and gave him what Justin would call a 'mom look'. "How about you take my lunch order without criticism?"

"That's your lunch?" Rafael's sudden input startled Montserrat out of her 'mom look'. "Are you serious?"

"How'd you find me?" she blinked.

"Your cousin. And I didn't know one would need to go hunting to find you."

"Well...I didn't know I was needed," Montserrat crossed her arms, suddenly shifting on her feet.

"You are," Rafael said so bluntly it startled him. He hated to admit that the moment he saw her he was finally able to calm down a bit. She looked fine, but the fact she'd gone to such measures not to be found was troublesome for him.

Montserrat didn't know how to respond right away. She thought she would have a little more time before seeing any of her friends. "Uuh, Justin just get me what I ordered."

"That cannot be your lunch," Rafael insisted but she scoffed in return.

"Haven't you heard breakfast for dinner? It's kind of like that, but better," she shrugged. "But I doubt you came all the way here to criticize my lunch. What do you need?"

"For you to quit hiding," he was straight forwards in what fit. Her reaction was wide, blinking eyes but that didn't stop him from continuing. "You have us worried over you when there's an important trial going on."

"I didn't know my absence would be such an impact on a case I'm not involved in," she said quietly and turned for an empty table if only to avoid his hard gaze.

"Oh stop with the sarcasm and be honest," he followed her to the table. "Olivia is going to testify tomorrow and she's looking for you too."

"She is?" Montserrat practically fell on her chair when she felt the guilt creeping over her. "I didn't...I didn't think it would matter if I…" She trailed off and looked to the side.

Rafael watched her for the minute she stayed silent. It was so odd the way she went into these moments - because he knew for a fact these moments were not often but every once in a while. And just like before, it irked him that he couldn't figure out what it was. What had her so reclusive sometimes? So secretive? So...distant?

"Montserrat?" his call was enough to turn her head.

"Sorry," she apologized and nervously bit her lip. "About Olivia, I'll be there tomorrow. I promise."

"Yes, but will you be okay to do so?" his question came as a surprise since he would hardly ask anyone that.

"Of course," she put on a smile for him.

"Montserrat, sometimes I feel as if you're in another world. I assume this world is not a happy one because every time you leave for a few minutes...you get this...look in your eyes," Rafael leaned forwards on the table, specifically looking her in the eyes just to confirm his words. "If I didn't know any better, you'd resemble the clients I see."

"Stop," her order came in a low voice but a hard one nonetheless. "You're trespassing into a place you don't belong."

Her change in demeanor and voice was dark enough to make a point. Rafael pulled back and upheld her look. "Alright. Sorry."

Montserrat pushed some hair behind her ear and tried to ease up, but it was as if the moment someone treaded close to her secret...she went into defense mode. "It's fine. I'll be there tomorrow, I promise. I've taken enough sick days, I believe. I appreciate you coming to find me. You shouldn't have gone to the trouble."

"I think I had to," but even when Rafael said this he was pretty sure things were worse now.

"Montse?" Justin called from the counter with a white bag in the air.

"Gotta go," Montserrat stood up from the table.

"Montserrat," Rafael stood up with her fast.

"I'm fine," she assured with a more genuine smile. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"I...okay," Rafael decided to stop insisting before she completely shut down on him again. He didn't want to see her farther away from him - er, the group. He didn't want to see her farther from them.

~ 0 ~

"Seriously?" Montserrat was too tired to argue with anyone else that day. Casey got a free pass that dinner. "You told Rafael where to find me?" she plopped down at the table where their Chinese take out food was spread out.

Casey shrugged and reached for the soy sauce. "Thought it might help you to snap out of your gunk."

"It's not gunk and you know it," Montserrat grimly said.

"I do," Casey clarified. "But I also know that you want to get out of it so I did my bit to help. Plus," she smiled for a moment, "Rafael seemed worried about you."

Montserrat didn't even dignify Casey's smirk with a look. She took the soy sauce bottle from Casey's side and poured some over her rice. "You screwed me over, Casey," - she went on as if Casey had never said anything - "Now I have to show up at court tomorrow."

Casey's smirk wasn't completely gone, just the necessary to speak. "Why? Is he threatening you?"

"No. He got to my conscience," Montserrat said with a frown. "I know Liv is facing off Lewis tomorrow and I can't miss that. I told her I'd be there and I want to be there."

"Okay, so I did do good," Casey nodded proudly to herself.

"No!" Montserrat quickly pointed at her. "No you did not!" Casey's laughter only irritated Montserrat more since the former kept ignoring her. "Casey, just stop!"

~0~

Olivia was front and center the morning of her cross examining. She hated it and she wanted to be in another country, but that would mean Lewis would go free and she was not going to let that happen.

"You're going to do fine," Rafael was persisting with that idea, hoping to ease some of her nerves. Truth be told if Lewis got his way, he'd be able to show Olivia lied to the grand jury.

"I'm hoping too," Olivia stared at the court doors that were waiting for her to cross through. She knew the rest of the squad were already waiting inside. They weren't going to leave her alone and she knew it. "Because if I mess up-"

"-you won't," Montserrat's voice startled Olivia but she was overall happy to see the detective back. Montserrat approached them with a usual smile of hers, as if she wasn't carrying her own demons at the moment. "Because you are incredibly intelligent and Lewis is a...well, I'd rather not use that type of vocabulary here."

"When has that ever stopped you?" Rafael asked, rather straight-faced too. He'd been on the receiving end of some of that vocabulary on occasion. Montserrat smirked, knowing exactly well what she'd done before.

"Are you okay, though?" Olivia thought to ask since Montserrat had basically disappeared for a while.

Montserrat shook her head and set a hand on Olivia's arm. "This is about you. Don't worry about anything else. Plus, I'm fine, so…" her shrug wasn't very well believed but Olivia's time ran short when the court officers opened the door.

Olivia drew in a small breath before turning to the doors. It was now or never, basically.

"She's got this...right?" Montserrat quietly asked Rafael before they had to go inside as well.

"Yes," he answered without a doubt, as much as he could portray. He side-glanced her for a second to see if he could decide whether or not she was actually better than yesterday.

"I showed up out of my own accord," she suddenly said and met his gaze, assuming he was thinking he'd won their little disagreement yesterday. "Course I thought that if I didn't show up today you might come and argue with me again." Her small slip of a smirk was enough for Rafael to decide she was better, and since that was all he was going to get he gladly took it. He wouldn't risk upsetting her again.

"As long as you know," he said instead, following her game.

Montserrat smiled wider and moved for her seat. She found Amanda already sitting at a bench so she took the seat next to the blonde.

Once court began, it began. Lewis took the reigns as soon as he could and commanded Olivia to take her place at the witness' stand.

"We've heard a lot of testimony in this case. But only two people know what happened over those four days," Lewis made good on his innocent track as he gazed at the jury. "I know exactly what happened, and that's what I told the jury." His attention then flickered to Olivia. "I can see how that's the story you'd want the jury to believe. The truth is embarrassing. That you, an experienced but lonely SVU detective, consumed by her work, became sexually obsessed with a man you believed to be a rapist."

There was a lot Olivia wanted to do at that moment, screaming would be one of them, but she contained it all to just say, "That's a lie."

"Is it? Can you tell me, are you married? Do you have children?"

"Objection," called Rafael. "Relevance?"

"It speaks to her issues with intimacy and sexuality, your honor," Lewis was quick to explain, not that it mattered for Olivia since she knew his game already.

"Tread carefully, Mr. Lewis," warned the judge. "May I remind you, she's your witness."

When she had to, Olivia finally answered, "I'm not married. I do not have children."

"What about a family? When we spent time together, you said you didn't wanna talk about your father. Why was that?"

Montserrat couldn't believe Lewis was actually going with the "we spent time together" as if he hadn't threatened Olivia all the way. As Lewis went on, Montserrat was almost scared to admit she was getting just as furious as Olivia was. She also didn't want to admit that perhaps her own flashbacks were getting in the way.

"So your life is your work, isn't it? Over time, your world view has narrowed to victims and rapists."

"I wouldn't say that," Olivia shifted in her seat.

"No? Well, the jury has heard your captain testify that he was worried about you after your second case against me was dropped," Lewis threw a look at the jury. "Isn't that right?"

"My whole squad was upset-"

"-yeah, but you were the only one who he ordered to go home, take some time off, weren't you?" Olivia had only just opened her mouth to respond when Lewis leaned forwards - an action that actually made Olivia recoil from the counter - and put a hand behind his ear. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Can... can you speak up?"

"Yes, I was!" Olivia snapped.

"Thank you. So, social isolation, long-term immersion in sexual assaults, and a recent public loss of face. All of that preceded our four days together. Is that right?"

"You broke into my apartment, tied me up, and held a gun to my head."

"We know that's your story, but none of your fellow detectives could find or even fake any signs of forced entry, could they?" Lewis was proud to say that one out loud.

And that's where Montserrat started remembering more. His smugness...oh, that disgusting smugness.

"I don't know how you got in...but you did!" Olivia repeated.

"I teleported myself, maybe!" Lewis exclaimed "Or maybe you invited me in-"

Olivia gritted her teeth together as she glared at him. "You were the last person that I wanted to see that night."

"That night, when I "broke in," were you armed when you came home?"

"Yes."

"So why didn't you just pull your gun on me?"

"I froze!"

"An experienced detective didn't hear me come in, didn't see any signs of forced entry," Lewis' condescension was unbearable and yet the jury seemed to be buying it. "She froze. So you're telling me that you didn't invite me in, but clearly, you react differently to me than you do to hundreds of other men that you've-"

"-don't," Olivia warned.

"No? What about your partner? Your partner testified the first time that you interrogated me, you were flirting with me. You were trying to arouse me-"

"I was playing a role," Olivia snapped again.

"Were you? The first night we spent together, you said that I tied you up, that I was forcing alcohol down your throat and you didn't resist? Was that part of your role-playing?"

Montserrat hadn't realized she'd been shifting in her seat too much until Amanda's hand touched her arm. "You good?" the blonde detective whispered. She was noticing Montserrat's unusual paleness alongside the jittering.

"I-I think…" Montserrat couldn't be honest with Amanda. What the hell was wrong with her!? She was supposed to be there for Olivia's sake but her body and mind were betraying her. Each time Lewis delved deeper into the case, showed more of his manipulative self, Montserrat saw him. And when Olivia had her turn, Montserrat saw herself. The victim trying to prove that she was okay.

You need to stop, she berated herself.

But Lewis kept going. He turned a potential rape into some type of fantasy Olivia initiated. It was vile. He was vile.

And Olivia was innocent, frustrated...to the point of crying out of anger that the most terrible event in her life was being turned into something that never happened.

At some point, Montserrat crossed gazes with Olivia. In two seconds Montserrat knew where Olivia was and it was the breaking point. She knew it all too well... because that's what Olivia was seeing in Montserrat right now. As Lewis was shouting in her face about being a liar, Olivia zoned in on Montserrat's face. The expression on Montserrat's face...the shiny eyes...the pursed lips...the cross of anger and pain…

Olivia's eyebrows raised together once she realized. And when she realized, Montserrat knew.

She knows. Montserrat's body jerked up from the bench. She attracted some attention, including Lewis', Rafael's, and the jury. Montserrat made the fastest turn in her life and sprinted towards the doors. She couldn't wait to see the corridors.

Montserrat made the rush for the nearest restroom where she could let go for a bit in order to make it home looking decent. She planted her palms on the marble sink and let some tears out. She didn't realize how her body trembled, and much less how much time she was spending in there. But when she heard the restroom door open up, she knew court had adjourned and that she'd royally messed up.

Quiet heels walked into the restroom, soon making Montserrat see it was the sergeant herself. Montserrat was too tired to deny, even to try and hide it. She raised her head up to see her messy reflection then to see Olivia's coming near her.

To be polite, Montserrat would leave it as: Olivia looked like a mess as well. She'd gone through hell. But instead of talking about it, Olivia put a hand on Montserrat's arm and quietly asked, "When?"

Because that's who Olivia Benson was. She could go through hell and still have desire to care for others.

Montserrat shut her eyes for a moment when she felt new tears threatening to come down. "...last year." She found a voice to use, a frail one but an audible one. "On the job.'

Olivia nodded. For the time being, there was a silent agreement that this was enough.

But it wasn't over.

Author's Note:

I actually liked writing this chapter for so many obvious reasons ;)

And thanks to the reviewer for the lovely comment! Hope you liked the new chapter!